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CHAPTER 10: TROUBLE AND STRIFE

DOWNTOWN HAVEN

SPUD’S Spud Emporium was not a place you wanted to be on the best of days. The fries were greasy, the meat was mysterious and the milkshakes had gristly lumps. Nevertheless, the Emporium did a roaring trade, especially during the solstice.

At this precise moment, Captain Trouble Kelp would almost have preferred to be inside the fast-food joint, choking down a rubbery burger, than outside it dodging lasers. Almost.

With Root out of the picture, field command fell to Captain Kelp. Usually this was a responsibility he would have relished. But then again, usually he would have had the benefit of transport and weapons. Thankfully they still had communications.

Trouble and his patrol had been rousting B’ wa Kell hot spots when they were bushwhacked by a hundred members of the reptilian triad. The goblins had positioned themselves on the rooftops, catching the LEP squad in a deadly crossfire from Softnose lasers and fireballs. Pretty complex thinking for the B’ wa Kell. The average goblin found simultaneous scratching and spitting a challenge. They had to be getting their orders from someone.

Trouble and one of his junior corporals were pinned down behind a photo booth, while the remaining officers had managed to take cover in Spud’s Emporium.

For the moment, they were keeping the goblins at bay with tasers and buzz batons. The tasers had a range of ten metres, and the buzz batons were only good for close quarters. Both ran on electric batteries and would run out eventually. After that they were down to rocks and bare fists. They didn’t even have the advantage of shielding as the B’ wa Kell was equipped with LEP combat helmets. Older models certainly, but still fitted with anti-shield filters.

A fireball arced over the booth, melting through the asphalt at their feet. The goblins were wising up. Relatively speaking. Instead of trying to blast through the booth, they were lobbing missiles over it. Time was short now.

Trouble tapped his mike. ‘Kelp to base. Anything on weapons?’

‘Not a thing, Cap,’ came the reply. ‘Plenty of officers with nuthin to shoot ‘cept their fingers. We’re charging up the old ‘lectric guns, but that’s gonna take eight hours minimum. There are a coupla body-armour suits over in Recon. I’m having ‘em double-timed over to you right now. Five minutes. Tops.’ ‘D’Arvit!’ swore the captain. They were going to have to move. Any second now this booth would fall apart and they would be sitting ducks for goblin fire. Beside him the corporal was quivering in terror.

‘For heaven’s sake,’ snapped Trouble. ‘Pull yourself together.’

‘You shut up, Trub,’ retorted his brother, Grub, through wobbly lips. ‘You were supposed to look out for me. Mummy said.’ Trouble waved a threatening finger. ‘It’s Captain Kelp while we’re on duty, Corporal. And for your information, I am looking out for you.’ ‘Oh, this is looking out for me, is it?’ whined Grub, pouting.

Trouble didn’t know who annoyed him more, his kid brother or the goblins.

‘OK, Grub.This booth isn’t going to last much longer. We’ve got to make a break for the Emporium. Understand?’ Grub’s wobbling lip suddenly stiffened considerably. ‘No chance. I’m not moving. You can’t make me. I don’t mind if I stay here for the rest of my life.’ Trouble raised his visor. ‘Listen to me. Listen. The rest of your life is going to be about thirty seconds. We have to go.’; ‘But the goblins,Trub.’

Captain Kelp grabbed his brother by the shoulders. ‘Don’t you worry about the goblins. You worry about my foot connecting with your behind if you slow down.’ Grub winced. He’d had that experience before. ‘We’re going to be all right, aren’t we, brother?’ Trouble winked. ‘Of course we are. I’m the captain, aren’t I?’

His little brother nodded, lip losing its stiffness.

‘Good. Now you point your nose at the door and go when I say. Got it?’ More nodding. Grub’s chin was bobbing faster than a woodpecker’s beak.

‘Right, Corporal. Standby. On my command…’

Another fireball. Closer this time. Rising black smoke from Trouble’s rubber soles. The captain poked his nose around the wall. A laser burst almost gave him a third nostril. A steel sandwich board spun around the corner, dancing with the force of a dozen charges. Foto Finish the sign said. Or Fot Finish to be precise. The ‘o’ had been blasted out of it. Not laserproof then. But it would have to do.

Trouble snared the revolving board, draping it over his shoulders. Armour, of sorts. The LEP suits were lined with micro-filaments that would dissipate neutrino blasts or even sonic bursts, but Softnoses hadn’t been used below ground for decades, so the suits hadn’t been designed to withstand them. A burst would tear through the LEP uniform like so much rice paper.

He poked his brother in the back. ‘Ready?’

Grub may have nodded, or it may have been that his entire body was shaking.

Trouble gathered his legs beneath him, adjusting the sandwich board across his chest and back. It would withstand a couple of rounds. After that, his own body would be providing cover for Grub.

Another fireball. Directly between them and the Emporium. In a moment, the flame would sink a hole in the tarmac. They had to go now. Through the fire.

‘Seal your helmet!’

‘Why?’

‘Just seal it, Corporal.’

Grub did. You could argue with a brother, but not a commanding officer.

Trouble placed a hand on Grub’s back and pushed. Hard. ‘Go, go, go!’ They went, straight through the white heart of the flame. Trouble heard the filaments in his suit pop as they tried to cope with the heat. Boiling tar sucked at his boots, melting the rubber soles.

Then they were through, stumbling towards the double doors. Trouble scrubbed the soot from his visor. His men were waiting, huddled behind riot shields. Two paramedic warlocks had their gloves off, ready to lay on hands.

Ten metres to go.

On they ran.

The goblins found range. A hail of charges sang through the air around them, pulverizing what was left of the Emporium’s shop front. Trouble’s crown lurched forward as a slug flattened itself against his helmet. More charges. Lower down. A tight grouping between his shoulder blades. The sandwich board held.

The impact lifted the captain like a kite, slapping him into his brother, and carrying them both through the decimated double doors. They were instantly hauled behind a wall of riot shields.

‘Grub,’ gasped Captain Kelp, through the pain and noise and soot. ‘Is he OK?’ ‘Fine,’ answered the senior warlock paramedic, rolling Trouble on to his stomach. ‘Your back on the other hand, is going to have some lovely bruises in the morning.’ Captain Kelp waved the warlock away. ‘Any word from the commander?’ The warlock shook his head. ‘Nothing. Root is missing in action and Cudgeon has been reinstated as commander. Even worse, now they’re saying Foaly is behind this whole thing.’ Trouble paled, and it wasn’t from the pain in his back. ‘Foaly! It can’t be true.’ Trouble ground his teeth in frustration. Foaly and the commander. He had no choice, he would have to do it. The one thing he had nightmares about.

Captain Kelp struggled up on to one elbow. The air above their heads was alive with the buzz of Softnose bursts. It was only a matter of time before they were completely overrun. It had to be done.

Trouble took a breath. ‘OK, people. Listen up. Retreat to Police Plaza.’ The troops froze. Even Grub caught himself in mid-sob. Retreat?

‘You heard me!’ snarled Trouble. ‘Retreat. We can’t hold the streets without arms. Now move it out.’ The LEP shuffled to the service entrance, unaccustomed to losing. Call it retreat, call it a tactical manoeuvre. It was still running away. And who would have thought that order would ever come out of Trouble Kelp’s mouth?

ARCTIC SHUTTLE PORT

Artemis and his fellow travellers took shelter in the shuttle port. Holly made the journey slung over Butler’s shoulder. She protested loudly for several minutes until the commander ordered her to shut up.

‘You’ve just had major magical surgery,’ he pointed out. ‘So just stay quiet and do your exercises.’ It was vital that Holly manipulate her finger constantly for the next hour or so to ensure the right tendons got reconnected. It was very important she move her index finger the way she intended to use it later, especially as she would be firing a weapon.

They huddled around a glow cube in the deserted departure lounge.

‘Any water?’ asked Holly. ‘I feel dehydrated after that healing.’

Root winked, something that didn’t happen very often. ‘Here’s a little trick I learned in the field.’ He popped a flat-nosed shell from a clip in his belt. It seemed to be made from perspex and filled with clear liquid.

‘You won’t get much of a drink from that,’ commented Butler.

‘More than you’d think. This is a Hydrosion shell: a miniature fire extinguisher. The water is compressed into a tiny space. You fire it into the heart of a fire and the impact reverses the compressor. Half a litre of water is blasted at the flames. More effective than a hundred litres poured. We call them Fizzers.’ ‘Very good,’ said Artemis drily. ‘If you could use your weapons.’

‘Don’t need ‘em,’ said Root, drawing a large knife. ‘Manual works just as well.’ He pointed the shell’s flat tip at the mouth of a canteen and popped the lid. A fizzing spray jetted into the container.

‘There you are, Captain. Never let it be said I don’t look after my officers.’ ‘Clever,’ admitted Artemis.

‘And the best thing is,’ said the commander, pocketing the empty Fizzer. ‘These things are completely reusable. All I have to do is stick it in a pile of snow and the compressor will do the rest, so I won’t even have Foaly on my case for wasting equipment.’ Holly took a long drink and soon the colour surged back to her cheeks.

‘So we were ambushed by a B’ wa Kell hit team,’ she mused. ‘What does that mean?’ ‘It means you have a leak,’ said Artemis, holding his hands close to the cube’s warmth. ‘It was my impression that this mission was top secret. Not even your Council was informed. The only person who isn’t here is that centaur.’ Holly jumped to her feet. ‘Foaly? It can’t be.’

Artemis raised his palms. ‘Logic. That’s all it is.’

‘This is all very well,’ interrupted the commander, ‘but it’s conjecture. We need to assess our situation. What have we got, and what do we know for sure?’ Butler nodded. The commander was a being after his own heart. A soldier.

Root answered his own question. ‘We’ve still got the shuttle, provided it’s not wired. There’s a locker full of provisions. Atlantean food mostly, so get used to fish and squid.’ ‘And what do we know?’

Artemis took over. ‘We know that the goblins have a source in the LEP. We also know if they tried to take out the LEP’s head, Commander Root, then they must be after the body. Their best chance of success would be to mount both operations simultaneously.’ Holly chewed her lip. ‘So that means…’

‘That means there is probably some kind of revolution going on below ground.’ ‘The B’ wa Kell against the LEP?’ scoffed Holly. ‘No problem.’

‘Generally, that may be true,’ agreed Artemis. ‘But if your weapons are out…’ ‘Then so are theirs,’ completed Root, ‘in theory.’

Artemis moved closer to the glow cube. ‘Worst-case scenario: Haven has been taken by the B’ wa Kell, and the Council members are either dead or imprisoned. Quite honestly, things look grim.’ Neither fairy responded. Grim hardly did the situation justice. Disastrous was closer to the mark.

Even Artemis was slightly disheartened. None of this was helping his father.

‘I suggest we rest here for a while, pack some provisions, and then proceed towards Murmansk as soon as we get some cloud cover. Butler can search this man Vassikin’s apartment. Perhaps we will be lucky and my father will be there. I realize that we are at a slight disadvantage without weapons, but we still have surprise on our side.’ No one spoke for several moments. It was an uneasy silence. Everybody knew what should be said, but nobody wanted to say it.

‘Artemis,’ said Butler eventually, laying a hand on the boy’s shoulder. ‘We’re in no shape to go up against the Mafiya. We don’t have any firepower, and our colleagues need to get below ground, so we don’t have any magic. If we go in there now, we’re not coming out. Any of us.’ Artemis stared deep into the heart of the glow cube. ‘But my father is so close, Butler. I can’t give up now.’ In spite of herself, Holly was touched by his unwillingness to give up, against all the odds. She was certain that, for once, Artemis wasn’t trying to manipulate anybody. He was simply a boy who missed his father. Maybe her defences were down, but she felt sorry for him.

‘We’re not giving up, Artemis,’ she said softly. ‘We’re regrouping. There’s a difference. We’ll be back. Remember, it’s always darkest before the dawn.’ Artemis looked at her. ‘What dawn? We’re in the Arctic, remember.’ OPERATIONS’ BOOTH

Foaly was furious with himself. After all the security encryptions he’d built into his systems, Opal Koboi had simply strolled in here and hijacked the entire network. And what’s more, the LEP had paid her for the job.

The centaur had to admire her nerve. It was a brilliantly simple plan. Apply for the upgrade contract, submit the lowest estimate. Get the LEP to give you an access-all-areas chip and then piggyback spy cams on the local systems. She had even billed the LEP for the surveillance equipment.

Foaly pushed a few buttons experimentally. No response. Not that he’d expected any. Doubtless, Opal Koboi had everything wired, down to the last fibre optic. Perhaps she was watching him at this very moment. He could just imagine her. Coiled up on a Koboi Hoverboy™ giggling at the plasma screen. His greatest rival, gloating over his destruction.

Foaly growled. She may have caught him off guard once, but it wouldn’t happen again. He would not go to pieces for Opal Koboi’s entertainment… Then again, maybe he would.

The centaur cradled his head between his hands, the picture of a beaten fairy, and began to heave theatrical sobs. He peeped out between his fingers… Now, if I were a button camera, where would I hide? Somewhere the sweeper wouldn’t check. Foaly glanced at the bug sweeper, a small, complex-looking mass of cables and chips attached to the roof. The only place the sweeper didn’t check was inside the sweeper itself… So now he knew Opal’s vantage point, for all the good it did him. If the camera was piggybacking inside the sweeper, there would be a small blindspot directly below the unit’s titanium casing, but the pixie could still see everything of importance. He was still locked out of the computer and locked in the Operations’ booth.

He began to scan the booth. What had come in since the last batch of Koboi upgrades? There must be some untainted equipment… But there was nothing except junk. A roll of fibre-optic cable. A few conductor clips and a few tools. Nothing useful. Then something winked at him from beneath a workstation. A green light.

Foaly’s heart jumped ten beats per minute. He knew instantly what it was. Artemis Fowl’s laptop computer. Complete with modem and e-mail capability. He willed himself to maintain calm. Opal Koboi couldn’t possibly have bugged it. The device had only come in hours ago. He hadn’t even got around to dismantling it yet.

The centaur clopped across to his toolbox and, in a fit of frustration, dumped the contents on to the plasma tiles. He was not so frustrated that he forgot to snag some cable and snips. The next step in his faked breakdown was to flop on to the worktop, sobbing uncontrollably. Naturally he had to flop over the precise spot where Holly had left the laptop. With a casual kick, Foaly slid the computer into the space where the sweeper’s blindspot should be. He then threw himself on to the floor, kicking his legs in a furious tantrum. From the button camera, Opal shouldn’t be able to see more than his thrashing legs.

So far so good. Foaly popped the laptop’s lid, quickly shutting off the speakers. Humans would insist on their machines beeping at the most inopportune moments. He allowed one hand to drag across the keyboard and moments later he was in the e-mail program.

Now for the problem. Wireless Internet access is one thing, but access from the centre of the Earth is quite another. Cradling his head in the crook of one arm, Foaly jimmied one end of a fibre-optic cable into a scope uplink port. The scopes were shrouded trackers concealed on American communications satellites. Now he had an aerial. Let’s hope Mud Boy was switched on.

KOBOI LABORATORIES

Opal Koboi had never had so much fun. The underworld was literally her plaything. She stretched on her Koboi Hoverboy like a contented cat, eyes devouring the chaos on the plasma monitors. The LEP had no chance. It was only a matter of time before the B’ wa Kell gained access to Police Plaza, then the city was theirs. Next came Atlantis, then the human world.

Opal floated between screens, soaking up every detail. In the city, goblins flowed from every centimetre of darkness, armed and thirsty for blood. Softnose slugs ripped chunks from historical edifices. Ordinary fairies barricaded themselves in their houses, praying that the marauding gangs would pass them by. Businesses were looted and torched. Not too much torching, she hoped. Opal Koboi had no desire to be queen of a war zone.

A com screen opened on the main display. It was Cudgeon on their secure line. And he actually seemed happy. The cold happiness of revenge.

‘Briar,’ squealed Opal. ‘This is wonderful. I wish you were here to see it.’ ‘Soon. I must remain with my troops. After all, because I was the one who unearthed Foaly’s treachery, the Council has reinstated me as commander. How is our prisoner?’ Opal glanced at the Foaly screen. ‘Disappointing, frankly. I expected some plotting. An escape attempt, at least. But all he does is mope about and throw the odd tantrum.’ Cudgeon’s smile widened. ‘Suicidal, I expect. In fact, I’m certain of it.’ Then the recently promoted commander was all business again. ‘What of the LEP? Any unexpected brainwaves?’ ‘No. Exactly as you predicted. They are cowering in Police Plaza like tortoises in their shells. Shall I shut off local communications?’ Cudgeon shook his head. ‘No. They broadcast their every move on their so-called secure channels. Keep them open. Just in case.’ Opal Koboi hovered closer to the screen. ‘Tell me again, Briar. Tell me about the future.’ For a moment, annoyance flashed across Cudgeon’s face. But today, of all days, his good humour could not be suppressed for long.

‘The Council has been told that Foaly has orchestrated the sabotage from his locked Operations’ booth. But you shall miraculously override the centaur’s program and return control of Police Plaza’s DNA cannons to the LEP. Those ridiculous goblins shall be overrun. I shall be the hero of the resistance, and you shall be my princess. Every military contract for the next five hundred years shall belong to Koboi Laboratories.’ Opal’s breath caught in her throat. ‘And then?’

‘And then, together we will rid the Earth of these tiresome Mud People. That, my dear, is the future.’ ARCTIC SHUTTLE TERMINAL

Artemis’s phone rang. Something even he hadn’t anticipated. He stripped off a glove with his teeth, tearing the mobile phone from its Velcro strip.

‘Text message,’ he said, navigating through the mobile phone’s menu. ‘No one has this number except Butler.’ Holly folded her arms. ‘Obviously someone has.’

Artemis ignored her tone. ‘It must be Foaly. He’s been monitoring my wireless communications for months. Either he’s using my computer, or he’s found a way to unify our platforms.’ ‘I see,’ said Butler and Root together. Two big lies.

Holly was unimpressed by all the jargon. ‘So what does it say?’

Artemis tapped the tiny screen. ‘See for yourself.’

Captain Short took the mobile phone, scrolling through the message and reading it aloud. Her face grew longer with each line… CMNDR ROOT. TRBLE BELOW. HAVN OVERRN BY GOBLNS. PLICE PLAZA SRROUNDED. CUDGEON + OPL KBOI BHND PLOT. NO WPONS OR CMMUNICATIONS. DNA CNONS CNTRLLED BY KBOI. I M TRPPED IN OP BTH. CNCLTHNKS IM 2 BLM. IF ALIVE PLSE HLP IF NOT, WRNG NMBR.

Holly swallowed, her throat suddenly dry. ‘This is not good.’

The commander jumped to his feet, grabbing the mobile phone to read the message for himself.

‘No,’ he declared moments later. ‘It certainly isn’t. Cudgeon! All the time it was Cudgeon. Why didn’t I see it? Can we get a message to Foaly?’ Artemis considered it. ‘No. There’s no network here. I’m surprised we could even receive.’ ‘Couldn’t you rig it somehow?’

‘Certainly. Just give me six months, some specialized equipment and three kilometres of steel girder.’ Holly snorted. ‘Some criminal mastermind you turned out to be.’

Butler placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. ‘Shh,’ he whispered. ‘Artemis is thinking.’ Artemis stared deep into the glow cube’s liquid-plasma heart. ‘We have two options,’ he began, after a moment. Nobody interrupted, not even Holly. After all, it had been Artemis Fowl who had devised a way to escape the time field.

‘We could get some human aid. No doubt some of Butler’s more dubious acquaintances could be persuaded to help, for a fee, of course.’ Root shook his head. ‘No good.’

‘They could be mind-wiped afterwards.’

‘Sometimes wipes don’t take. The last thing we need is mercenaries with residual memories. Option Two?’ ‘We break into Koboi Laboratories and return weapons control to the LEP.’ The commander guffawed. ‘Break into Koboi Laboratories? Are you serious? That entire compound is built on bedrock. There are no windows, totally blast-resistant walls and DNA stun cannons. Any unauthorized personnel that come within a hundred metres get blasted right between the pointy ears.’ Butler whistled. ‘Seems like a whole lot of hardware for an engineering company.’ ‘I know,’ sighed Root. ‘Koboi Labs had special permits. I signed them myself.’ Butler considered it for several moments. ‘Can’t be done,’ he pronounced eventually. ‘Not without the blueprints.’ ‘D’Arvit,’ swore the commander. ‘I never thought I’d say this, but there’s only one fairy for a job like this…’ Holly nodded. ‘Mulch Diggums.’

‘Diggums?’

‘A dwarf. Career criminal. The only fairy ever to break into Koboi Laboratories and live. Unfortunately, we lost him last year. Tunnelling out of your manor as it happens.’ ‘I remember him,’ said Butler. ‘Nearly took my head off. A slippery character.’ Root laughed softly. ‘Eight times I nabbed old Mulch. The last one was for the Koboi Labs job. As I recall, Mulch and his cousin set up as building contractors. A way to get plans for secure facilities. They got the Koboi contract. Mulch left himself a back door. Typical Diggums, he breaks into the most secure facility under the planet, then tries to sell an alchemy vat to one of my squeals.’ Artemis sat up. ‘Alchemy? You have alchemy vats?’

‘Stop drooling, Mud Boy. They’re experimental. The ancient warlocks used to be able to turn lead into gold, according to the Book, but the secret was lost. Even Opal Koboi hasn’t managed it yet.’ ‘Oh,’ said Artemis, disappointed.

‘Believe it or not, I almost miss that criminal. He had a way of insulting a person…’ Root glanced towards the heavens. ‘I wonder if he’s up there now, looking down on us.’ ‘In a manner of speaking,’ said Holly guiltily. ‘Actually, Commander, Mulch Diggums is in Los Angeles.’