فصل 11

PART THREE

DEVELOP BETTER RELATIONSHIPS

CHAPTER 11

Bringing the Best out of People

When I was in middle school, I was one of the smaller players on the basketball team. In our first game of the season, we were scheduled to face a real good team, boasting a bunch of big guys. Naturally, at my size, it would have been easy to be intimidated by our opponents.

On game day, I was walking through the school hallways in between classes, when my basketball coach called me over to where he was standing in front of several of my friends. He was a big, strong, tough coach, and in his usual gruff manner, he said, “Joel, you’re not that tall, but let me tell you, size doesn’t matter. What counts is right down in here.” He pointed his finger at his chest as he continued. “Joel, you’ve got a big heart, and you’re going to do great this year.” When I heard the coach’s words—spoken right in front of my friends—I stood up taller, threw my shoulders back, and smiled even more than usual! You would have thought I was Michael Jordan. I thought to myself, The coach believes in me! My confidence shot up to a completely new level, and I played better that year than I’d ever done before. It’s amazing what we can accomplish when we know somebody really believes in us.

That coach took a little time to make a big difference. He took time to instill confidence in me. If we’re going to bring out the best in people, we too need to sow seeds of encouragement.

“Well, Joel, nobody’s encouraging me,” someone might say. “Why should I encourage anyone else?”

If you want your life to increase, if you want your life to get better, then you need to help improve somebody else’s life. If you will help somebody else become successful, God will make sure that you are successful.

God puts people in our lives on purpose so we can help them succeed and help them become all He created them to be. Most people will not reach their full potential without somebody else believing in them. That means you and I have an assignment. Everywhere we go we should be encouraging people, building them up, challenging them to reach for new heights. When people are around us, they should leave better off than they were previously. Rather than feeling discouraged or defeated, people should feel challenged and inspired after spending any time with you and me.

The Bible says that love is kind. One translation says, “Love looks for a way of being constructive.” In other words, love looks for ways to help improve somebody else’s life.

You have something to offer that nobody else can give. Somebody needs your encouragement. Somebody needs to know that you believe in him, that you’re for him, that you think he has what it takes to succeed. If you look back over your own life, most likely you’ll find someone who played a pivotal role in helping you get to where you are today. Maybe your parents or a teacher had confidence in you and helped you believe in yourself. Perhaps it was a boss who placed you in a higher position even though you didn’t feel qualified at the time. Or a school counselor who said, “You’ve got what it takes. You can go to this college. You can be successful in that career.” Maybe they saw something in you that you may not have seen in yourself, and they helped you get to that next level. Now, it’s your turn to do something similar for somebody else. Who are you believing in? Who are you cheering on? Who are you helping to become successful? Friend, there’s no greater investment in life than in being a people builder. Relationships are more important than our accomplishments.

Susan Lowell had carved out a successful career, and everything was going great in her life, but she just wasn’t satisfied. She had a desire deep down inside to help troubled teenagers. One day, she quit her high-paying job and went to work as a schoolteacher in one of the roughest schools in California, a high school known for drugs, gangs, and other serious problems. Not surprisingly, the school had one of the highest dropout rates in the state. The school board could hardly keep teachers, because the students were so unruly and rebellious. Nobody thought the new lady would last.

But Ms. Lowell took a different approach. On the first day of school, she asked her students to write down their names and addresses and something interesting about themselves. While they were writing, she walked up and down the rows and secretly memorized each student’s name. When they finished, she announced to the class they were about to have their first test. The students moaned and groaned. She said, “No, the test isn’t for you; this test is for me.” She explained, “If I can call each one of you by your correct name, then I pass the test. But if I miss even one of your names, then every one of you will get an automatic ‘A’ on our first real test.” The students were excited as Ms. Lowell slowly walked up and down the rows, and, one by one, she correctly called out each student’s name. The class was duly impressed, and she had their attention. Ms. Lowell spoke softly as she said, “Class, the reason I did this is to show you that you are important to me. When I look at you, I not only like you, but I care about you. That’s the reason I’m here.” The students realized that this teacher was different. She was not there simply to get a paycheck; she wasn’t trying to get the most compensation for the least amount of work. This lady believes in us. This lady thinks that we can become something.

One day Ms. Lowell got word that Armando, one of the roughest students in her class, owed one of the street gangs a hundred dollars. It was an extremely dangerous situation, especially since Armando didn’t have the money to pay. Ms. Lowell asked her student to stay after class. When they sat down to talk, she said, “Armando, I’ve heard about your dilemma and I want to loan you the money to pay your debt, but I’ll do it only under one condition.” “What’s that?” Armando asked.

She said, “I’ll give you this money if you promise to pay me back on the day that you graduate.” At the time, Armando was a sophomore, and of all Ms. Lowell’s students, he was one of the least likely to graduate. His older brothers and sisters who had attended the same school before him had not graduated. His parents had only a second-grade education.

Ms. Lowell’s act of kindness touched his heart. Nobody had ever shown him that kind of love. Nobody had ever believed in him enough to think that he could actually graduate.

Ms. Lowell had the students keep a journal. The week before, she’d asked them to write down the nicest thing anyone had ever done for them. Armando said, “Ms. Lowell, last week I had to make up something, because I can’t ever remember anybody doing anything nice for me. But what you did for me today, I will never forget.” He went on to say, “Ms. Lowell, I will not let you down. I will graduate, because if you think I can do it, then I know I can do it.” This teacher believed in her students so much, they began to believe in themselves. Indeed, Armando became the first person in his family ever to earn a high school diploma.

Many people simply need somebody to spark a bit of hope, somebody to say, “Yes, you can do it. You’ve got what it takes.”

When you believe the best in people, you help to bring the best out of them.

Here’s the key: Don’t focus on what they are right now. Focus on what they can become. See the potential on the inside. They may have some bad habits, or they may be doing some things that you don’t like, but don’t judge them for it. Don’t look down on them critically. Find some way to challenge them to rise higher. Tell them, “I’m praying for you. I believe you’re going to break that addiction. I’m believing for great things in your life.”

I’ve found that if I treat people the way I want them to be, they are much more likely to become that sort of person. They’re much more likely to change.

For instance, if your husband is not treating you with as much respect as you know he should, don’t sink down to his level and act disrespectful as well. No, sow a seed. Treat him respectfully anyway and watch that man begin to change. If he’s lazy, treat him as if he were a hard worker. He may do a thousand things you don’t like, but find the one thing on which you can compliment him and encourage him for that.

It is easy to nitpick and find fault, but our goal is to bring out the best in people. Our job is to encourage, build up, to challenge people to rise higher.

The other day, Victoria walked by me and I noticed that she looked especially beautiful. She was dressed up, and had her hair all fixed. I thought to myself, Wow, she looks great today.

But I was busy working at my desk and didn’t want to be interrupted, so I didn’t say anything. Besides, I thought, she knows I think she’s beautiful. I’ve told her thousands of times.

I missed the opportunity to sow a compliment. Later, I realized that I was just being lazy. Sure, Victoria may know that I love and appreciate her; she may know that she is beautiful. But as her husband, I have the responsibility to build her up every chance I get.

I heard somebody say, “Complimenting each other is the glue that holds relationships together.” With so many things working against good relationships nowadays it’s amazing what a kind word here and there will do.

“Honey, you look beautiful today. Thanks for preparing such a delicious dinner,” or, “You did great on your project last week.” Short, sincere, natural compliments can help keep our relationships strong.

Be free with your compliments and be quick to vocalize them. Remember, your thoughts don’t bless anybody but you. You can think good thoughts about somebody all day long, but it’s not going to do them one bit of good. You must verbalize those thoughts; speak them out. Every day, try to find somebody you can compliment, someone you can build up. If a waiter at the restaurant gives you good service, don’t just think about it. Tell him. “Thanks for being such a fine waiter and taking good care of us today.” Those positive words might make his day.

Our society overflows with critics, cynics, and faultfinders. Many people quickly point out what you are doing wrong, but relatively few take the time to point out anything you are doing right. I don’t want to live my life like that. I’m going to be a giver and not a taker. I want to build people up and not tear them down. I’m going to do my best to leave places better off than they were before I passed by.

Ask yourself, Are the people in my life better off or worse off because I passed their way? Am I building them up in our conversations, and bringing out their best, or am I dragging them down? Do I believe in somebody? Do I give them confidence to improve their lives? Or am I focused on myself?

You can be a people builder everywhere you go. That man at the gas station—don’t simply pump your gasoline; pump something good into his life. The woman at the office who always seems grumpy—rather than complaining about her, take time to give her a compliment. Build up your friends and coworkers and your boss. Everywhere you go, make positive deposits, instead of negative withdrawals. If you will make somebody else’s day, God will make yours.