فصل 12

CHAPTER 12

Keep the Strife out of Your Life

Relationships are what really matter in life—our relationship to God, with our family, children, friends, and others—yet all too often, we allow these relationships to occupy much lower positions than they deserve on our priority lists. If we are not careful, we can allow something or somebody to drive a wedge between ourselves and the people who are most precious to us.

To maintain healthy relationships, we need to learn how to keep the strife out of our lives. God made each of us as unique individuals. We have different personalities and temperaments; we approach issues in different ways, so we really shouldn’t be surprised when we grate against one another occasionally. Too often, though, if someone doesn’t agree with our opinion, we get bent out of shape and allow strife to foment. I’ve discovered that just because somebody is not exactly like me, or doesn’t do things the way I do them, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I am right and they are wrong. We’re just different, and our differences can cause friction.

It takes maturity to get along with somebody who is different than you are. It takes patience not to start a dispute over minor issues or become easily offended. If we’re going to keep the strife out of our lives, then we must learn how to give people the benefit of the doubt.

We will also need to overlook some things. Every person has faults; we all have weaknesses. We should not expect the people with whom we are in a relationship to be perfect. No matter how great a person he or she may be, no matter how much you love him or her, if you are around that person long enough, you will have an opportunity to be offended. There is no such thing as a perfect spouse, a perfect boss, or even a perfect pastor.

If we’re putting unrealistic expectations on people, expecting them to be perfect, that is not fair to them, and it will be a source of frustration for us. We’re always going to be disappointed.

The Scripture teaches that love makes allowances for people’s weaknesses. Love covers a person’s faults. In other words, you have to overlook some things. Quit demanding perfection out of your spouse, your children, or other people with whom you are in a relationship, and learn to show a little mercy.

My father used to say, “Everybody has the right to have a bad day every once in a while.” If somebody does something you don’t like, if they insult or offend you unwittingly, simply swallow your pride and say, “I choose to overlook that offense,” and move on.

The Scripture says that love keeps no record of wrongs done to it. You might see your relationship with someone go to a whole new level if you’d just get rid of the record book. I know people who have a mental list of everything anybody has done wrong to them for the last twenty years. They have a detailed scorecard, listing every time their spouse hurt them, every time their boss was thoughtless or rude, every time their parents missed the grandkids’ ball game. Instead of keeping a list of slights or offenses, throw out your negative record book and look for the good.

“But I’m the one that’s right!” I hear you lamenting.

Maybe so, but do you want to be right, or do you want to have peace in your home? Do you want to have your way, or do you want to have healthy relationships? Many times, we can’t have both. In all of our relationships, especially in marriage, it is vital that we not keep score of offenses.

“But Joel, my spouse and I are simply not that compatible. We just can’t get along. We are so different.”

No, God may have put you with somebody different from you on purpose. That’s not a mistake. Your strengths and weaknesses and that other person’s strengths and weaknesses may be quite different, but ideally, your strengths can make up for your partner’s weaknesses, and his or her strengths make up for your weaknesses. You complement each other. You should complete each other, rather than compete with each other. The two of you are much more powerful together than you are apart.

But you must study that other person, find out what he likes and dislikes; find out what her pressure points are, and then don’t allow the weaknesses to bring conflict into your relationship.

Maybe you’re a neat and tidy person. You like everything put perfectly into place, but your husband is sloppy; he tends to leave things lying around the house. You’ve told him a thousand times not to leave his shoes in front of the TV. Yet you walk in there one evening, and sure enough, his shoes are there. You go find him and say, “When are you ever going to put your shoes away? I’m so tired of cleaning up after you. That’s all I ever do!” No, why don’t you be the peacemaker in your family? Quietly put away his shoes and go on your way so you can enjoy the rest of the evening. In other words, quit making a big deal out of something that is relatively minor. That issue is not worth allowing strife in your home.

“I’ve asked my wife over and over to turn the lights off when she leaves the room,” David huffed. “But she always forgets and I have to go back in there and do it.” “No, instead of harping on your wife, why don’t you make allowances for her weaknesses just as she does yours?” I said. “After all, it’s not going to hurt you to go back in there and turn the lights off. Maybe you could even get a bit of exercise.” “But when is she ever going to change?” David protested.

You could probably answer David’s question for him. When he quits nagging her, stops complaining, and develops a better attitude. That’s when she’s going to change.

Obviously, these are relatively minor issues, but the same principle applies to matters of more significance. When you cover a person’s weaknesses and go the extra mile to keep strife out of your home, you are sowing a seed for God to do a work in that other person. Remember: You cannot change people, only God can. You can harp on that person all day long, but your comments will only serve to make matters worse. The result will bring more strife and more division. Nothing will drive the peace out of your home any quicker than constant criticism. Similarly, you can disrupt the atmosphere in your workplace by incessant griping, snipping, and having a critical attitude.

Pick your battles wisely. Don’t quibble over things that don’t really matter. We have enough big issues in life with which to deal.

One day Victoria and I were leaving a Houston Astros baseball game at Minute Maid Park downtown. At that time, the ballpark was relatively new and I didn’t really know the best way to exit. When I pulled out of the stadium I asked, “Victoria, should I turn right or should I turn left?” “I think we need to turn right,” Victoria answered.

I looked up and down the street, and didn’t recognize anything to the right. “No,” I said, “I think we need to go left.”

She looked around in every direction, and said, “No, Joel. I know we need to go right.”

“Victoria, our house is that way,” I said, pointing to the left. “I know we need to go in that direction.” I pulled out and turned to the left.

She said, “Well, that’s fine, but you’re going the wrong way.”

We had just enjoyed a relaxing time at the ball game and had such a great time together. Now the whole atmosphere in our car changed. We were uptight, tense, and on edge. We were hardly even talking to each other over something so insignificant. If I would have just swallowed my pride and gone her way, it wouldn’t have hurt anything. Even if it had been the wrong way, what’s ten minutes going to matter? But no, I had to show her that I was right. I had to prove my point.

I started driving—and driving—and driving all over downtown Houston. I was trying my best to act as if I knew where I was going, but I might as well have been in Japan! I had no idea where we were. I could see the freeway, but I couldn’t figure out how to get on it. Every time I looked at Victoria, she’d just smile and say, “Well, you should have listened to me. Maybe we’ll get home by this time tomorrow.” The more she rubbed it in, the more aggravated I became.

Finally, after wandering around downtown for thirty minutes, I said, “All right, fine. We’re going back to the ballpark and we’re going to see if you can get us home.” She said, “It’s about time.”

We drove back to the baseball park and she said, “All right, you need to go right, then you go left.” As we drove through a part of Houston that I had never seen before, I was hoping so bad that we were lost. I didn’t care if we ever got home. I just did not want Victoria to show me up. We went through several side streets, and she finally said, “Okay, take a right.” Sure enough, that put us on the main freeway headed home. I was so shocked. I said, “Victoria, how did you know those directions?” “Oh, there’s a little fabric store down here,” she said, “that I used to come to all the time.”

Don’t make the same mistake that I did. Don’t be so proud that you always have to prove your point. Swallow your pride and consider somebody else’s opinion. You may think you’re right, but there’s a chance you could be wrong.

I know people who have gotten a divorce all because they stayed stirred up over something equally as insignificant. They allowed the sore to fester, and before long they were living at each other’s throats. Deep down inside, they may really love each other, but through the years, they’ve allowed strife to drive a wedge into their relationship.

If you allow strife to grow by holding grudges, making sarcastic remarks, or otherwise, you may not realize it, but that relationship is in the process of being destroyed. Strife is chipping away at your foundation, and unless you decide to do something about it soon, your life could crumble into a mess. You could very well look up one day and think, What have I done? I’ve destroyed this relationship. How could I have been so foolish?

Don’t be hardheaded and stubborn. Maybe you have been at odds with somebody for months, not speaking to them, giving them the cold shoulder. Life is too short to live it that way. If possible, go to that person and make things right—while you still have the opportunity.

I recently spoke with a man who was broken and defeated. When I asked him what was troubling him, he explained how he and his father got at odds with each other over a business decision. They hadn’t spoken in over two years. He said, “Joel, I knew deep down inside that I needed to make it right, but I kept putting it off. Then earlier this week, I received a call informing me that my father had suffered a heart attack and died.” Imagine what emotional pain that man is living with.

Don’t wait until you cannot make amends. Do it today; swallow your pride and apologize even if it wasn’t your fault. Keep the peace. Understand, it’s not always about being right. It’s about keeping strife out of your life. You can win every argument, but if it opens the door to turmoil, brings division, in the end you didn’t win at all—and you may have lost a lot.

I believe that God always gives us a warning, a wake-up call of sorts. He may say simply, “Stop being so argumentative. Quit being a faultfinder. Quit keeping your record books.” When we recognize His voice, we need to respond.

“Well, I’ll start being a peacemaker as soon as my husband changes,” I hear somebody saying. “I’ll do it as soon as my boss starts treating me better.” No, if you wait for somebody else to be the peacemaker in your life, you may wait around your whole lifetime. Peace starts with you; you make the first move.

“But I apologized first last time. That’s not fair. It’s his turn to apologize.”

It may not be fair, but it can keep you together. Swallow your pride. Be the bigger person. When you do that, you are sowing a seed, and God will always make it up to you.

When we choose to hold on to strife, we are choosing to step out of God’s protection. We step out of God’s blessings and favor. Certainly, there are times when we must confront issues head-on, but there are also times that we can choose to avoid strife in a relationship by giving up our right to be right. Take the initiative to keep strife out of your life. Get rid of pettiness that produces division and discord. Make a decision that you’re going to make the necessary adjustments so you can live a more peaceful life.

When you do that, you’ll see your relationships begin to flourish. God said, “Blessed are the peacemakers.” If you’ll have that kind of attitude, your relationships will continually get better and better.