فصل 13

CHAPTER 13

Taking a Stand for Your Family

One of the greatest threats we face in the twenty-first century is not a terrorist attack or an ecological catastrophe, but an attack on our homes. The enemy would love nothing more than to ruin your relationship with your husband or your wife, your parents, or your children. Too many homes are being destroyed through strife, lack of commitment, wrong priorities, and bad attitudes. If we’re going to have strong, healthy relationships, we must dig our heels in and fight for our families.

The Old Testament records a time when Nehemiah was rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem. The walls had been torn down years previously, and the enemy was coming against God’s people, against their homes, their wives and children, while the men worked on the construction crews. The situation got so bad that Nehemiah instructed his men to work with a hammer in one hand and a sword in the other. He encouraged them, “Men, fight for your sons, fight for your daughters, fight for your wives, fight for your families”. He went on to say, “If you will fight, then God will fight.” I believe God is saying something similar to us today. If we will do our part and take a strong stand for our families, God will do His part. He’ll help us to have great marriages and great relationships with our parents and children.

Certainly, not everyone will get married, but if a man and a woman choose to marry, two issues must be settled first. Number one: As a couple, we are committed to God. We’re going to live a life that honors Him. We will be people of excellence and integrity in all that we do.

The second settled issue must be that as a couple, we are committed to each other. Occasionally, we may disagree, say things we shouldn’t. But when it’s all said and done, we’re going to get over it, and we will forgive and move on. Leaving is not an option. We’re committed to each other through the good times and the tough times.

If bailing out of the relationship is an option, then you will always find some reason to justify it. “Joel, we just can’t get along. We’re not compatible. We tried, but we just don’t love each other anymore.” Truth is, no two people are completely compatible. We have to learn to become one. That means we may have to make sacrifices; we may have to overlook some things. We must be willing to compromise for the good of the relationship.

Stick with your spouse and make that relationship work. As one lady quipped, “My husband and I got married for better or for worse. He couldn’t do any better and I couldn’t do any worse.” When you do have disagreements, learn to disagree from the neck up. Don’t let it get down in your heart. Victoria and I don’t always see eye to eye, but we’ve learned how to agree to disagree. When you present your case, don’t try to make that other person change his or her mind. Give others the right to have their own opinion. If you’re not going to be happy unless they agree with you, then really you’re simply trying to manipulate your partner. You’re trying to force your opinion on that person. The better approach is to present your case, share your heart, and then step back and allow God to work in that person or situation.

As long as we are argumentative and we’re trying to force our opinions, then there’s going to be strife in our homes. Wherever there’s strife, there’s confusion. And there’s nothing worse than living in a home that’s tense. Everybody’s on edge. You feel that at any moment something could explode.

You don’t have to live that way. Do your best to create an atmosphere of peace and unity in your home. When you’re tempted to pop off and say hurtful, critical, counterproductive things that you know you shouldn’t, next time you have that opportunity, do yourself a favor. Take a deep breath, pause about ten seconds, and think about what you’re going to say before you speak. Words can cut like a knife. You may say them in a matter of seconds, but three months later the person to whom you spoke them may still be feeling the sting.

Solomon was the wisest man who ever lived. His book of wisdom encourages a husband to look his wife in the eyes and tell her, “There are many beautiful women in the world, but you excel them all.” Solomon started his day off by praising and encouraging his wife. Men, you can imagine how our relationships would improve if we’d start complimenting our wives like that. Some women haven’t had a compliment in years, not because they are undeserving, but because they are not appreciated. All they hear is what they’re doing wrong. How the dinner wasn’t any good. The kids are too loud.

Listen carefully to the words and tone of voice you use with your spouse. Are you complaining all the time and telling her what she’s not doing right? Or are you doing like Solomon—blessing, encouraging, and uplifting that woman?

“Well, Joel, you don’t know my wife,” Chuck said. “She’s the problem. She’s argumentative. She’s hard to get along with.”

“Maybe so, but if you start praising your wife, if you start telling her how beautiful she is, and how glad you are to have her in your life, when you talk about the good, you will draw out the good. If you talk about the negative, you’ll draw out the negative. It’s up to you.” Men, learn to speak blessings over your wife and you will see that woman rise to a new level. She will respond to your praise and encouragement. Your words don’t have to be poetic, fancy, or profound. Tell her simply but sincerely, “You’re a great mother to our children. And you are a great wife to me. I’m so glad I can always count on you.”

Understand, this is not an option; it’s a necessity, if you’re going to have a healthy marriage. Like Solomon, get in the habit of looking at your wife and saying, “You are beautiful. I’m glad you’re in my life. There are a lot of pretty women, but you excel them all.”

If you’re a father, you need to make especially sure that you affirm your children. You have incredible influence over them. Every day, just as you bless your wife, bless your children as well. Look at each child and say, “I’m so proud of you. I think you’re great. There’s nothing that you can’t do.” Your children need your approval. You’re helping them to form their identity. If we’re too busy as fathers, we’re never there, or maybe we’re just always correcting our children without providing them with affirmation, our children are not going to be as confident and secure as they should be.

Certainly, there are times when the father can’t be there for his children because of other responsibilities. Nonetheless, do your best to keep your priorities in order. No amount of success in your career can make up for failure at home. I’ve seen some men accomplish great things in the corporate world as business leaders but at the expense of their children. Their children grew up without a father figure.

Fathers, take your children to church; don’t send them. Be at their ball games as often as possible. Know who their friends are. Listen to their music. Children are looking for direction and guidance. When that young man comes over to take your daughter out on a date, be the first one at the door. Let him know there’s a man in the house watching over that young lady. Parents, we have to fight for our children. If we will fight for them, God will fight with us.

Years ago, at the largest game reserve in South Africa, they developed an overpopulation of elephants. The curators decided to take three hundred of the youngest male elephants and separate them from their parents and other adult elephants. The “orphans” were transported to another national park, where the white rhinoceros reigned as the dominant “king of the park.” The rhinoceros has no natural enemies. Nothing stalks it, not even a lion, a tiger, or a bear. The rhino is simply too powerful. As such, the curators felt there would be no problem mixing the orphan elephants in with the rhinos. Over time, however, they began to find dead rhinos out in the brush. They couldn’t understand what was happening, so they set up surveillance cameras to observe the park. Much to their surprise, they found that those young male elephants, the ones that no longer had a father or mother figure, had formed gangs and they had viciously attacked the rhino population. It’s not even in the elephant’s God-given natural instincts to act that way, but the lack of parental influence spawned the strange, deadly phenomenon.

I believe a similar plight threatens our children. The reason that children get in trouble can often be traced to the fact that they do not have positive role models in their lives. They don’t have anybody speaking blessings over them and praying for them; they don’t have father figures, and many don’t have healthy, positive mother figures. It doesn’t mean these children are incorrigible; it is simply a fact that without parental guidance, children sometimes do things they might not otherwise do if Mom or Dad were around.

We have a responsibility to reach out to children who don’t have a father figure or a mother figure. Maybe you can mentor a young man or a young woman. If you really want to be blessed, don’t just fight for your family, fight for somebody else’s family. Stand in the gap for that single mom or single dad. When you take your son out to hit baseballs, swing by and pick up that young man who doesn’t have a father figure. Reach out to some other children. As you take time for others, God will provide for you.