فصل 14

CHAPTER 14

Invest in Your Relationships

If you want your relationships to thrive, you must invest in them by being a giver rather than a taker. Everywhere you go, strive to make relational deposits into people’s lives, encouraging them, building them up, and helping them to feel better about themselves.

It’s not always easy. Some people are difficult to be around, because they tend to draw the life and energy out of you. They’re not bad people; they just drain you. They always have a problem, or some major crisis. They talk all the time, so much so that you can’t get a word in edgewise. By the time the conversation is done, you feel as though your emotional energy is gone. Difficult people don’t make positive deposits; they are too busy making withdrawals.

Please don’t misunderstand. It’s okay to be down and discouraged occasionally. Everybody has a right to have a bad day. But if you do that all the time, that’s a problem. You’re not going to have good friendships if you’re always draining the emotional reserves of the people around you.

I like to think of my relationships as “emotional bank accounts.” I have an account with every person with whom I have a relationship—whether a family member, a business associate, friends, even some of the people I meet in passing; I have an emotional account with the security guard at work, the man at the gas station, and the waiter at the restaurant. Every time I interact with them, I’m either making a deposit or making a withdrawal from that account.

How do you make a deposit? It can be something as simple as taking the time to walk over and shake that man’s hand. “How are you doing today? Good morning. Good to see you.”

Just the simple fact that you went out of your way to make him feel important made a deposit into that account. Your act of kindness built trust and respect. You can make a deposit simply by smiling at somebody, being friendly, being pleasant to them in ordinary circumstances.

When you compliment people, you’re making a deposit. Tell that coworker, “That was an outstanding presentation. You did a great job.” Tell your husband, “I appreciate what you do for this family.” Tell your wife, “You make it so much fun to live around here.” When you do such things, you are not merely giving a compliment, you are making a deposit into the account you share with that person.

At home, you can make deposits in your emotional bank accounts by giving your wife a hug and a kiss, telling her that you love her. You make deposits into your accounts with your children by spending time with them, by listening to your daughter when she’s playing the piano, by going down to the park and watching your son skateboard.

A subtle yet amazingly effective means of making a deposit is by overlooking a fault. Maybe a coworker is rude to you and he jumps down your throat about some meaningless matter. Instead of retaliating, you let it go. The next day when he apologizes, you say, “Don’t even worry. I’ve already forgiven you. I didn’t think twice about it. I knew that wasn’t your normal self.” When you do such things, you make huge deposits into your account with that person. Your stock goes up significantly on his scale. Perhaps one day when you’re a bit stressed and on edge, and maybe you don’t treat him as well as you normally would, you’ll have plenty in your account to cover it.

How do we make withdrawals from our relationship accounts? The most common way of making withdrawals is through selfish behavior. When we’re thinking only about what we want and what we need, we will inevitably withdraw resources from our relationship accounts. We make withdrawals when we don’t take time for people. You go into the office and you just blow past the receptionist. You don’t smile or even notice her. Whether your mind was somewhere else or you were simply being rude is irrelevant. You just made a withdrawal from your account with that person; you lowered her opinion of you.

Other ways of making withdrawals include those incidents in which we don’t forgive, when we don’t keep our commitments, when we don’t express appreciation to someone to whom it is due. Maybe somebody does something nice for you by going out of her way, but you take it for granted. You don’t say thank you; maybe you feel that you’re too important to say something such as, “I appreciate your effort.” Failure to appreciate the kindnesses of others will always result in a withdrawal from your account with those people.

The problem in many of our relationships is that our accounts are overdrawn. When we make a mistake and we need a little mercy, understanding, that person goes to our relationship account and discovers it is already empty. Now we must live constantly on edge. Minor issues become magnified. We have to guard every little word that we say, because there’s no reservoir of grace from which to draw in that relationship. We’ve exhausted the resources. And that’s when little things suddenly turn into big things.

For instance, you correct your teenage son, and seemingly out of the blue, he blows up on you. “Who are you to tell me that? I don’t have to listen to you.”

Through such statements he is revealing that your relationship account with him is depleted. “You haven’t built in trust recently. You haven’t taken an interest in me; you haven’t let me know that I am important to you.”

If you’re going to correct someone, or maybe you’re going to offer some constructive criticism, you need to make sure that you’ve made plenty of deposits into your account with that person. Make sure you’ve earned that person’s respect.

In disciplining your children, ask yourself, “Have I encouraged him? Have I complimented her? Have I been interested in what he’s interested in, or have I simply been making withdrawals?” If all your child has heard for the last couple of months is “Clean your room, do your homework, take out the trash, tuck your shirt in, be home by ten—” you are merely making withdrawals. And let’s face it: Parents must make many withdrawals during their children’s teenage years, but you cannot expect to speak effectively into your child’s life unless you have first made plenty of deposits. You must invest in that relationship, nurture it, and build trust.

Everywhere we go we should be making deposits—whether at the grocery store, ballpark, school, or office. Develop a habit of sowing good things into people’s lives. Make it your business to help somebody else feel better about himself or herself. Be interested in people. Take time to let someone know that you care. Go out of your way to show somebody that he or she is special. When you leave the office, instead of rushing out of the parking garage, take a few moments to ask the attendant, “How are you doing today? I’m so glad you are part of this company.” Encourage him in some way; make him feel important; help him to know that somebody cares.

Learn to appreciate people. Learn to say thank you. Just because somebody works for you doesn’t mean you are exempt from expressing appreciation to that person. “Well, Joel, I pay him good money. Or “I pay high enough taxes. I shouldn’t have to thank that policeman. I shouldn’t have to thank that schoolteacher. They should do their jobs.” No, learn to sow positive deposits into people’s lives.

I remember when I was at my father’s house and he would see the mailman coming, Daddy would get a big smile on his face, and he’d say, “Well, look-ee here, here comes the finest mailman in all the world.” That mailman’s countenance would light up. My father’s simple compliment brightened the man’s day. It didn’t take a lot of effort; it didn’t require much of Daddy’s time. He had developed a habit of investing in people, in helping other people to feel better about themselves.

Your words have the power to put a spring in somebody’s step, to lift somebody out of defeat and discouragement, and to help propel them to victory. A potentially uplifting deposit such as Daddy made in the life of that postman doesn’t take much more than ten or fifteen seconds to make.

Learn to give compliments freely. Learn to be friendly and avoid anything that exudes the attitude that you are so important that you can’t take time for somebody who’s not up to your level. Instead, make everyone you meet feel important; strive to make every person with whom you have contact feel special. After all, every person you meet is made in the image of God.