فصل 19

CHAPTER 19

Keep Yourself Happy

One of the most important keys to a better life is to keep yourself happy, rather than living to please everybody else. It’s easy to take on a false sense of responsibility, thinking that it is our job to keep everybody happy, to “fix” this person, to rescue that person, or to solve another person’s problem.

Certainly, it is noble and admirable to want to help as many people as possible, and it is always good to reach out to others in need. Too often, though, we get out of balance. We’re doing everything for everybody else, but we’re not taking any time to keep ourselves healthy. I’ve discovered that when I try to keep everybody around me happy by trying to meet all their needs, I’m the one who ends up suffering.

God does not want you to sacrifice your happiness to keep somebody else happy. At first brush, that may sound a little selfish, but there’s a tenuous balance here. Your first priority is to take care of yourself. To do so, you must recognize that some people are still not going to be happy no matter what you do for them, no matter how nice you are, no matter how much time and energy you give them. They have their own issues with which to deal or things inside that they need to resolve.

Maybe you are stressed because you are allowing someone else to dull your happiness—it may be a spouse, a child, a friend, or a neighbor. They won’t do right. They’re always dumping their problems on you. They expect you to bail them out of every problem and keep them cheered up. Now you are frustrated because you are spending so much time and energy on them. It seems like every time you get that person fixed up, he or she is back a week later with that same problem. If you continue to help them, you’re not only hurting yourself, but you are doing them a disservice as well. You’ve become a crutch to them. Because as long as they know they can come running to you, making you feel guilty and talking you into solving all their problems, then they will never deal with the real issues. They won’t change.

Truth is, some people don’t really want to be helped; they don’t want to change. They like the attention their perpetual dilemmas bring them. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for somebody like that is not to help them.

Life is too short to go through it being controlled and manipulated by people who refuse to make good choices on their own. Please understand: You are not responsible for everybody else’s happiness. You are responsible for your own happiness. If people are controlling you, it’s not their fault; it’s your fault. You must learn to set some boundaries. Quit allowing them to call you at all hours of the day and night to dump their problems on you. Quit catering to them and giving in every time they throw a fit. Quit lending them money every time they make poor choices. Let them take responsibility for their actions.

I realize that at first, it may be difficult to say no to the stress-inducing controller, but if you’ll put your foot down and make these necessary changes, in the long run your life and that other person’s life are both going to be much better.

Linda and Troy’s marriage was miserable. Linda came from an extremely negative family environment where she had endured many unfair hardships growing up. Unfortunately, she dragged her unhappiness and negativism right into her marriage with Troy. If she didn’t get her way, she would pout or throw a tantrum. Sometimes, she would pout for two or three days. She was always having some kind of crisis where she needed attention. She was miserable and she did her best to make everyone around her equally as miserable.

Troy was a good man and a good husband, so he did almost anything he could to keep Linda happy. He was always encouraging her, trying to fix her problems, and letting her know she was going to be okay. For three years, he catered to her every need, giving up his own happiness in a futile attempt to keep Linda happy. Then one day it dawned on him that she was never going to change. He finally was fed up. He realized that although he had good intentions, he was not helping her anymore; he was hurting her. He had become her crutch.

Troy boldly went to Linda and said, “Honey, I love you, but I realize there’s nothing I can do to keep you happy. I’ve done everything I can. So I’m just letting you know that I’m finished trying.” Troy’s honest and heartfelt statement stunned Linda, forcing her to look inside herself and deal with the real issues. Beyond that, as Troy followed through and no longer coddled her, Linda had to take responsibility for her own actions. That wake-up call took place more than twenty years ago, and today their marriage is stronger than ever.

If you are in a relationship with somebody similar to Linda, don’t allow that person to steal your joy. Do not go through life unhappy because somebody close to you is unhappy. If they insist on making poor choices, choosing to live depressed and in the pits, be kind and courteous, but don’t get in the pits with them. At the right time, and in a controlled voice, tell that person, “If you don’t want to be happy, that’s fine, but you’re not going to keep me from being happy.”

If you are on the flip side of this issue, and you are the person who is doing the controlling, pardon me for being so blunt, but it is time for you to grow up and take responsibility for your own life. Quit relying on that other person to carry you. Quit demanding that your spouse cheer you up every day and work constantly to keep you encouraged. That’s not fair to the other person. Take responsibility and learn to keep yourself happy.

Too often, we are controlled by others more than we realize. “I’ve got to work sixty hours a week or my boss will look down on me. He won’t invite me to important meetings. He’ll leave me out.” No, recognize what’s happening. You are being manipulated and you need to set some boundaries. Go to your boss and say, “Here’s what I’m able to do. I cannot work late every night. I have a family. I have other commitments. When I am here at work, I’ll give you one hundred ten percent, but when the workday is over, I will leave the work here and go home.” You need to confront it. Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated or coerced into doing something out of guilt. Start paying attention to why you respond certain ways and why you do certain things.

Maybe you are operating more out of guilt than out of desire or destiny. You are working late night after night because you feel guilty about leaving when others in the office are staying. Or maybe you are helping somebody because you feel guilty, you’re overcommitted, worn out, and run down because you’re afraid you’re going to hurt somebody’s feelings. This is all rooted in that taking on a false sense of responsibility, trying to keep everybody happy.

You should not feel guilty because you can’t meet the demands that others arbitrarily put on you. You must change how you respond. If every time you disagree with your spouse, you get the cold shoulder and life is miserable for the next four hours, that’s a form of manipulation. The next time something similar happens, you need to address it. Don’t respond the same way. “Well, she’s ignoring me. I’ll show her. I’ll go to the ball game!” Or “I’ll go play golf.” Or “I’m going shopping!” No, if you’ll change how you respond and not give in and not play those games, it will force the other person to change how he or she responds.

Examine how you spend your time and check your motives as to why you do what you do. Is it out of guilt? Is it because somebody is manipulating or controlling you? If so, make some changes. If you don’t take control of your life, others will, and they may take you places you don’t want to go. You must be secure enough in yourself to tell people no. If you refuse a friend’s invitation to dinner and he or she gets upset, understand something: He is not responding out of love or friendship; that person is attempting to manipulate you. She is using you for what she wants.

It is liberating to understand that you don’t have to keep everybody happy. More important, I really believe that if you live your life just trying to please people, you will not be able to fulfill your God-given destiny.

If you allow them, some people will draw all the time and energy right out of you. You would see your life go to a new level if you dared to confront those people and start making the necessary changes.

I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. If people have controlled you for a long time, they’re not going to like your putting your foot down. Always do what you must in love, be kind and respectful, but stand firm and make a decision that you will live in freedom.

If you are the controller rather than the person being controlled, you too need to change. You’re not going to be blessed by manipulating people to get your way. Quit pressuring people into doing what you want. Take the high road, walk in love, and you’ll see your relationships and life become so much better.

Let this be a turning point. If you have been living to please everybody else, or constantly trying to fix everything, rid yourself of that false sense of responsibility. Yes, reach out to others. Yes, be kind and be compassionate. But make sure that you’re keeping yourself happy. After God, you are your first priority.