فصل 27

CHAPTER 27

Dealing with the Root Issues

I heard about a man who owned a bunch of horses, and one day one of the horses kicked a wood fence and scraped his leg badly. The owner took the horse to his barn, cleaned the wound, and bandaged the animal’s leg. A few weeks later, the man noticed that the horse was still bothered by that bruise. The owner called a veterinarian to come examine the horse. After checking the animal, the vet prescribed some antibiotics.

Almost immediately, the horse responded positively to the medication and began to do much better. A month or two went by, however, and the owner noticed that the injury still had not healed; it actually appeared to be worse than ever. So the vet put the horse back on antibiotics.

Once again the animal responded and was fine for a few weeks, but then the process repeated itself. The wound simply would not heal. Finally, the owner loaded up the horse and took him down to the veterinarian’s clinic. In the clinic, the veterinarian put the horse under anesthesia and began to probe the injured leg. Once he got deep enough, the vet discovered a large sliver of wood that had gone far below the skin when the horse had hit the fence many months previously. The vet realized that every time the horse went off the antibiotic, the infection caused by that foreign object returned. They had been treating the symptoms rather than treating the true source of the horse’s pain.

We do something similar many times. We fix the surface things.

“Let me clean up my behavior. Let me just turn over a new leaf. I’m going to try being more friendly. I’m not going to spend so much money, or use credit cards. I’m not going to manipulate people.” It’s good that we’re trying to improve, but so often we are not dealing with the real source of the problem. No matter how much we want to be better, that issue just keeps coming back, and we can’t seem to get free.

It is usually easier to make excuses for our behavior, to pass the blame and try to justify our behavior. But if we want to experience God’s best, we must learn to take responsibility for our thoughts, words, attitudes, and actions.

The Bible teaches that we should not let a root of bitterness spring forth and contaminate our whole lives. It’s like having a weed out in your front yard. You can pull that weed, but if you merely clip it off at the surface, you are not really getting down to the roots. A couple of days later, you look out in your yard, and you have that same weed to deal with again.

For lasting, positive change, you must go deeper and not merely look at what you do, but ask yourself, “What is the root of this problem?” “Why do I act this way?” “Why am I out of control in this area?” “Why am I always so defensive?” “Why do I feel that I must repeatedly prove myself to everybody?”

This is especially important in the area of your relationships. Many people have a root of rejection—they have been through hurts in the past. Somebody did them wrong, and rather than letting it go, they hold on to it. That bitterness poisons every part of the person’s life.

Shawna and Andy were always having problems in their marriage, especially in the area of communication. When they engaged in conversation, if Andy didn’t agree with Shawna, she would get extremely defensive. She’d get all upset, lose her cool, and they’d end up having an argument. “Why can’t you just let me have my opinion?” Andy said. “Why do you have to get so upset when I don’t agree with you?” Shawna didn’t have a good answer. This went on year after year, and the tension created by this situation tore at the fabric of their marriage.

One day Shawna decided to get honest with herself. She looked deep down on the inside, and as she did, she realized that the reason she became defensive so easily was that she was intensely insecure. She had been through a lot of hurt and pain in her lifetime. She had experienced a devastating dose of rejection from a previous relationship. Now every time Andy didn’t agree with her, Shawna felt that he was rejecting her. Rather than agreeing to disagree on some matters, Shawna took it personally. She tried to control and manipulate Andy.

Shawna realized that the true source of the problem wasn’t that they couldn’t communicate; it was her own insecurity. It didn’t happen overnight, but as Shawna began to deal with these feelings, asking God to help her, little by little things began to change. Slowly, Shawna and Andy’s relationship improved, but the key was she got to the root. Once she took care of the bad root, eventually the fruit took care of itself.

Perhaps you have been stuck at the same place in your life for far too long. Maybe you are stuck in a sour marriage or a dead-end career. Or maybe you are stuck in a quagmire of debt or negative attitudes; you are often hard to get along with, defensive, or critical.

It’s time to get up and get going. Our prayer should be, “God, please show me the truth about myself. I don’t want to be at this same place next year, so if I have things holding me back, show me what they are. Help me, Father, to change. Help me to get to the root of my problems.” God is knocking on the door of new rooms in our hearts, maybe rooms that we haven’t let Him enter previously. The only way He’ll come in is if we invite Him. The doorknob is on the inside. I have discovered that I can allow God in some rooms of my heart, yet keep Him out of other rooms. Some of those rooms can be painful or embarrassing. Hidden in some of those rooms are hurts and wounds from the past. It’s where our weaknesses and shortcomings are tucked away. Rather than dealing with the issues and cleaning the crud out of those dark corners, we keep those rooms locked. We make excuses for our behavior; we blame other people. Sometimes, we even blame God.

If we want to get to the source, then we must look inside; we must allow God to shine the floodlight of His Word in every room of our heart. When we have feelings that we know are wrong, rather than hiding them and trying to bury them away in one of these rooms, the best thing we can do is to be honest and ask, “God, why do I feel this way?” “Why can’t I get along with my spouse?” “Why do I try to manipulate everybody?” “God, why do I always have to have my way?” If you will be honest and willing to face the truth rather than hiding behind excuses, God will show you some answers to those questions. As you begin to act on that truth, you can come up higher.

I know digging out those roots can be painful. The easy thing is to concentrate on surface issues, to maintain the status quo. It’s uncomfortable to be honest and really deal with these issues. It’s hard to admit sometimes, “I’m holding on to the bitterness.” Or, “I’m defensive because I’m so insecure.” Or “I’m hard to get along with because I’m dragging all my baggage from the past.” Moreover, don’t be surprised if, as you shed the superficial layers and really get honest, you feel a little pressure. Please understand that this discomfort is only temporary. It’s a growing pain, and once you get past that point, you’re going to move up to a new level of victory. The pain of change is much less than the pain of staying in mediocrity.

Understand that if you want to get to the source of the problem, you cannot just sit by idly and remain passive. You’ve got to come to the point where you say, “I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. We may have been this way a long time, but I’m not going to dance around this issue. I’m going to get to the source, and I’m going to start making better decisions for my family and for me.” One of the first things we must do is to stop making excuses. We have to quit blaming the past. Don’t use that as an excuse to stay the way you are. Take responsibility.

Many people have had unfair things happen, and they go their whole lifetime allowing that experience to poison them. They’re angry. They’ve got a chip on their shoulder, they are hard to get along with. “Well, Joel, if you’d been through what I’ve been through, you’d act this same way.” No, that may be the reason you act that way, but thank God, you don’t have to stay that way. You can come up higher, but you must take responsibility. You have to be willing to face the truth and say, “This is not right. I refuse to live upset and angry. I don’t want to be hard to get along with. God, I’m asking You to help me to change.” If you have that attitude, God will always help you.

I know if you will face the truth about yourself, get to the source of your issues, and make the adjustments, I can promise that your inner life will improve, you will have better relationships, and you will be happier and more fulfilled.