رفتار دوم: «یک رؤیا انتخاب کنید و با تمام وجود دنبالش بروید

BEHAVIOR 2:

CHOOSE ONE DREAM AND GO ALL IN

Here’s the thing I believe about a goal that often annoys people: you can only focus on one at a time.

You Can Only Focus On One At A Time.

If I were allowed to put emojis into a nonfiction book, you better believe there’d be a little aggressive handclap in between each one of those words.

This one is aimed at all my dreamers who are like, “I want to author a book, but I’m also a singer-songwriter and I’m thinking about getting my real-estate license and I also want to work with homeless animals and start a charity to bring endangered species into senior citizens’ homes to comfort the aged.” No.

First of all, even if your list isn’t quite so elaborate, even if all the things on it support one another, even then it’s not going to be effective. If it were effective, it would have worked already.

Secondly, that list isn’t one filled with dreams. That is a list filled with some cool ideas. You need to understand the difference.

When I say dream, I mean something you greatly desire. I mean that you’re fantasizing about something and imagining what it would be like regularly. I mean that when you think about it your heart beats faster and your palms get sweaty like an Eminem song.

Mom’s spaghetti.

Many people won’t get the Eminem joke I just made, but that’s okay. Three people did, and as long as someone understands my humor, that’s all I care about.

Back to the dream versus great idea thing. When people list off the nineteen things they’re “dreaming of,” my response is always the same: Which one makes you most excited? If you could choose only one of them to work on for the next decade, which would it be? If only one of them could be successful, which would you choose?

The thing is they always have one. Always.

But they surround their single greatest dream with a bunch of great ideas. They list out all sorts of possibilities, because that way they can say it’s all just for fun. That way their options are endless. That way, if chasing the dream becomes too difficult, they can quit and tell themselves it wasn’t what they truly wanted anyway.

See, if you only pick one dream there is no plan B. If you want to take the island, burn the boats. If you want to actually achieve your dreams, you can only pursue one at a time. I believe completely in going all in on one single dream, and when you achieve that one, then you can move on to the next. But splitting your attention is splitting your focus and your energy, which means you’re not likely to make much progress.

When it comes to personal growth, women often approach it like a buffet. They want to work on a little bit of this and a little bit of that. They reason that all the areas of their lives are important, and so they should try to fix them all at once. Maybe that’s possible for some people, but I can tell you what’s worked for me, in contrast, is focus.

I have a whole life outside of the pursuit of my dreams. So do you, I assume. I’ve got a marriage and children and a career and groceries and dishes and a thousand other things. I don’t have time to waste time. If I’m going to fight for my right to pursue something new for myself, I need it to be as effective as possible. And to be effective, it’s got to be totally focused.

In the past, whenever I set out to start my diet and my exercise program and finally write my novel, my energy and enthusiasm wouldn’t survive the week. There were too many priorities, too many things to keep track of. I got overwhelmed easily and couldn’t keep up with it all.

When everything is important, nothing is important.

I found success when I learned to focus, and focus requires choosing one thing. It’s hard for first-timers to commit to only one area when they’re passionate about growth. What they don’t realize is that a goal is like a harbor. When the tide rises in the harbor, all the boats rise.

This amazing thing happens when you start to grow in one area of your life: other areas improve with it. If you drop a handful of pebbles into a lake, you’ll move the water around a bit. If you drop a boulder into a lake—meaning, if you put all your energy into one area—the impact is incredible. The ripple effects of that choice spread out in all directions.

For clarity’s sake, I’d like to mention that it’s very possible to grow in multiple areas of your life once you’ve achieved success in one area and established it as a habit. For instance, I am able to maintain my health and fitness regimen while pursuing a new goal, because health and fitness are habits in my life now. But, if I had tried to conquer them simultaneously or attempted to take them on while starting my company, let’s say, I wouldn’t have been successful.

The question then becomes, How do you decide? How do you pick the right thing to focus on next? Well, if you’re me, you narrow it down using a process I like to call “10, 10, 1.” If you’ve never heard of 10, 10, 1 before, that’s because I made it up . . . but I did trademark it, because it’s a good idea and I’m not a dummy. Like most things in life I figure out a process that works for me, and when pressed to explain it, I write it out and give it a snappy title. See: my entire publishing career.

Ten years.

Ten dreams.

One goal.

Who do you want to be in ten years? What are the ten dreams that would make that a reality for you? Which one of those dreams are you going to turn into a goal and focus on next? 10, 10, 1.

Let’s look at it a bit more closely together.

TEN YEARS

I like to encourage people to start by closing their eyes and imagining the best version of themselves. Imagine that a decade of time has gone by, and you are living your best possible ideal for yourself and your life. Dream big. Don’t put any restriction on it. Don’t overthink it; just allow yourself to envision the most magnificent possible future version of yourself. A decade in the future, what is the very best version of yourself doing? What does she look like? How does she go about her day? How does she speak to people she loves? How is she loved in return? What kind of clothes does she wear? What kind of car does she drive? Is she a great cook? Does she love to read? Does she love to run?

Get as specific as you possibly can. Where do you go on vacation? What’s your favorite restaurant to eat at now that your life is different? What kind of food do you consume? What does it feel like to go throughout your day? Are you optimistic? Are you encouraging to others? After a decade of working on yourself and growing as a woman, how much joy is there in your life? Who’s in your life? What’s your week like? How do you treat people? How do they treat you?

Just let your dreams run absolutely wild. Are you happy? Are you energetic? Are you driven? Do you feel ambitious? What’s your relationship like with your family members? Do you own a home, and what does it look like? Do you have kids, do you have a family, are you married? What’s the best of the best?

Now go bigger. What’s a bigger version of the best version of you? Living every day in the best state that you know how to be. What do you do for work? What is the highest value that your future self holds? Is it family, is it loyalty, is it growth? Be as specific as you can be.

Now, without a second of judgment or overthinking it, I want you to write down everything that you just thought of as fast as you can. I don’t want you to forget any of it; I want that future version of you to be seared inside your brain.

The best version of me is . . .

When I’m at my best, I . . .

Don’t hold back. This is not the time to think it through or tell yourself to slow down. This is not the time for realistic; this is the time to think as big as you can possibly go.

Hopefully, this exercise helped you paint a clear picture in your mind of a lot of different awesome things your future self can take part in. Personally, I like to do this once or twice a year and create a vision board (like in fifth grade when you glue a bunch of magazine clippings to poster paper) so I’ve got a visual to go along with my mental imagery.

That is the first step; that’s you in ten years.

Now here is how you narrow it down.

TEN DREAMS

Turn your ten years into ten dreams. If those ten dreams came true, they would make your vision a reality. So, if you saw a future that was completely financially free, maybe your dreams would be things like making a six-figure salary, being completely debt-free, etc. But maybe your future dream self is also healthy and happy and energetic. Add becoming a marathon runner and vegetarian to the mix. The important thing is, again, to be specific. The list of dreams is how that future vision manifests for you.

Often, when we do this, we come up with more than ten, but it’s essential to narrow it down. Focus matters, remember? Choose ten dreams that, if they were to come true, would make your future self real.

Now here’s the key: write down those ten dreams in a notebook every single day. And write them as if they’ve already happened.

I do this every day of my life because I want the repetition to instill in my head and my heart where my focus should be. I want to remind myself who I should be. I write them as if they’ve already happened, because I read somewhere once that your subconscious focuses on what you give it. If you tell yourself (and your sub conscious), “I’m going to make a million dollars,” you don’t end up focusing on the goal but on the words going to.

It becomes like a to-do list for your brain. You didn’t give it direction. You didn’t ask your mind to help you figure out how. You only told it that you were going to do something, which isn’t especially powerful no matter how big a goal you set for yourself, because you create to-do lists all the time. What makes this something your brain should take notice of?

What if instead you told yourself, “I have a million dollars in the bank”? That’s specific. That’s an outcome. That’s a direction to head. Going to is something in the future. Have is present tense, which means your subconscious starts focusing on how to make that real right now. I don’t actually have a million dollars in the bank . . . yet. But I’m working on it.

Some items on my list are things that I want to achieve; other items are things I can accomplish every day.

“I am an exceptional wife.”

That one is on my list. I write it down every day as a reminder of who I am and who I want to be. When I imagine my future best self, she’s still drunk in love with Dave Hollis. In the future he’s still my best friend, and we still can’t keep our hands off each other. Only now we look so much fresher because all our kids are older and we don’t have to change diapers or wake up with a teething baby.

I’m careful with the words I write down too. I don’t use the word good. I don’t use the word great. I use the word exceptional. When I write that sentence about being an exceptional wife every day, I have to ask myself what I did today that made me exceptional. It’s a simple prompt to move me into action. It reminds me to text my husband and tell him how hot he looked in those pants or how much I love him and appreciate him. That wouldn’t happen if I didn’t have the prompt reminding me who I want to be.

Another item on my daily list is kind of obnoxious but, hey, it’s my dream list, not yours. I write down, “I only fly first class.”

If you follow me on social media, you may have some idea of how often I travel for work. It’s a lot, you guys. A lot. I don’t mind the travel, because 90 percent of the time I’m on the road to give a keynote speech or motivate a bunch of conference attendees with my unique lyrical stylings and the energy of a springer spaniel. Public speaking is one of my favorite parts of my job, but it also requires focus and energy. It’s hard to have either when you’re shuffling back and forth across the country on planes. And it’s hard to keep up with my current workload so that I can make all those speaking engagements when I’m sitting in coach.

Also, my current workload always involves writing. I’m either writing a book or editing a book or working on an article or a post, and because it’s me and I don’t know the meaning of the word private, almost everything I write tends to be sensitive in nature. Do you know how weird it is to write a chapter on your sex life while a rando guy sits next to you sharing the armrest? I do! I’ve written on planes for years; there’s no other way for me to turn these suckers in on time. And I hate not writing simply because I’m worried about what my neighbor thinks of chapter 5. That’s where this dream comes into play.

In my mind, first class is good for one single thing: seat size. I don’t care about their weird entrées. I don’t care about the free wine. I don’t even care about the ability to get on the plane before everyone else. All I care about is that, in first class, I can sit crisscross applesauce with this computer in my lap. It’s so comfortable. It’s so far away from the next nearest person. It’s the best!

I know this because one time, years ago, Dave used his miles to upgrade me on a flight. Once I got a taste of the promised land, I couldn’t stop dreaming about it. So I wrote the words, “I only fly first class.” Every day. For months and months. Which means that every day my brain accepted that as truth and helped to make that dream a reality for me.

When I first started writing it on my list, we didn’t have that kind of money in our travel budget at work, and just because I wanted it to be true didn’t make it so. But after writing it down for about six months, I had an epiphany so dumb I wanted to punch myself in the face for not thinking of it earlier. You’re going to laugh. Or maybe you already know how I solved the problem, because it was so obvious to you. I started flying first class because I told people it was part of my travel requirements.

Meaning, when companies reached out and said, “Hey, Rachel Hollis is the cat’s pajamas, and we’d love to have her fire up our sales force. What would it take to get her here?” my assistant would tell them my speaking rate and, right after it, she’d add the line “plus first-class travel and accommodations.” In the beginning, I was so nervous that people would be annoyed and that I’d miss out on big opportunities or be seen as a diva. But nobody batted an eyelash.

First of all, when you’ve worked to get to a certain place in your career, it’s not unusual to request perks you wouldn’t have been given when you first started out. Secondly, brands could either afford it or they couldn’t, but nobody got mad or sent the villagers to my house with pitchforks. Now I get to fly in the big seats, and I arrive at each work event feeling good and productive and ready to go.

In case you’re wondering, I still have that line item on my list. I get to fly first class for work, but I’m not at a place with personal finances where we could do that for our family—yet. Every day I’m reminded about where we’re headed.

Now that you have your ten dreams identified, I hope you take my advice and write them down every day. It’s a great way to remind yourself daily about who you want to be, but in order to get there you’ve got to tackle that list with action and focus. The next step is narrowing your focus down to one goal. 10, 10, 1. Ten years becomes ten dreams becomes one goal. Your dream is your ideal; it becomes a goal when you actively begin to pursue it.

ONE GOAL

I want you to ask yourself right now, What is one goal—one thing you can do—that will get you closer to the ten-years-from-now version of yourself the fastest? What is the one goal out of the ten you just finished identifying that you can work on this year? Think it over, then write it down.

To achieve a goal, you need to make sure you have clarity on two things:

1.What are the specifics?

2.How will you measure your progress?

“I want to lose weight” is not specific. Do you want to lose two pounds or a hundred pounds? That’s specific.

“I want a body-fat percentage of 24 percent.”

“I want to save $5,000.”

Those are specific goals that you can measure against.

“I want to do better with my finances.” That’s garbage. You’re already setting yourself up for failure, or you’re setting up to give yourself credit for work without making measurable progress. Paying cash for your latte instead of using a credit card could be considered “doing better on finances,” but where is it getting you? If your goal is something more along the lines of “I want to save $5,000,” you wouldn’t have a latte at all.

Your goal also needs to be measurable. You have to be able to judge whether you’re making progress or getting closer to where you want to be. A lot of people also say that a goal has to have a time limit, but I don’t like that for personal goals because I feel like it sets you up for failure.

If you tell yourself you’ve got to be in shape by the end of February and then you get to mid-February and you haven’t done it, you beat yourself up. The intention here is that working on your ideal self is a lifelong process to become who you were meant to be. Lifelong processes don’t have a time limit. All that matters is that you keep at it. We’re not looking for perfection; we’re looking for consistency.

Now, it’s not enough to know what your goal is going to be. Many of you probably already knew what you wanted to achieve, and if that was all it took you’d have already claimed it as your own. You’ve also got to know why you want it so badly. You need to define why it must be yours and use it as leverage to motivate yourself when you want to give up. Remember earlier when I talked about how important your why is? Why will keep you going even if you don’t know how you’ll get there.

When I was a little girl, my parents fought a lot. These were extreme fights—punching-holes-in-the-walls kind of fights—and I would hide out in my room to get away from them. I would take myself into the only space that was mine alone—my bed—and I would escape by imagining a place where none of this existed. I would imagine a future where nobody screamed at each other. I would also imagine a future where nobody fought over money. As a child, the greatest vision I could imagine for myself was walking into a store and being able to afford anything I saw.

I’m not talking about a watch or designer shoes. I mean being able to afford the brand-name cereal or a new pair of jeans for school. That was the best vision I could have for myself then: a home where nobody fought and the ability to afford things at Wal-Mart.

So that was my goal, and the underlying reasoning for it was something I remember thinking at a really early age: When I’m in charge, I can live whatever life I want. When you visualize your future, you have to know where it is you’re trying to get to, and you have to give yourself some motivation to keep you on course. Said another way, you have to know your why. Why does it matter to you?

It’s not enough just to want to be thinner. It is enough to want to lose weight so that you can be able to keep up with your kids or have energy for your life. That’s leverage.

It’s not enough to say, “I want to be rich because I think that would be awesome.” It is enough to know what it’s like to go without as a kid and to promise yourself that you’re never going to live this kind of life again once you have the ability to control it. That’s leverage.

You have to know where you’re going, and you have to know your why. For those of you who start and stop, start and stop, start and stop, if you’ve gone off your resolution fifty times before, it’s because your why wasn’t strong enough.

I used to smoke. I hate to even admit that to you, because it’s absolutely terrible. Smoking is the worst. It’s so disgusting; it’s so bad for your body. But I was nineteen when I started. I thought that cool kids smoked, and I wanted to be cool. Then one night at the company holiday party, I was chatting with this really rad girl who worked in the PR department. She was so hip!

She was hipster before hipsters existed, and that night at the holiday party she pulled out a pack of American Spirits. If you aren’t familiar with American Spirits, they are basically straight tobacco, way stronger than anything I had ever smoked before, only I didn’t know that at the time.

I’d been drinking too much that night, and when cool hipster girl offered me a cigarette, I didn’t think anything of it and proceeded to spend the rest of the evening smoking one cigarette after another. I went home from that party and threw up again and again. Everything smelled like that cigarette. I barfed until nothing was left inside my body.

I woke up the next morning in my bed wearing nothing but red Isotoner socks. Best I can guess, I had gotten myself undressed, down to the way I came into this world, and then put on those socks for—I don’t know—comfort? Then I puked for three hours before passing out.

The point is, to this day I cannot smell cigarette smoke without wanting to vomit. I never touched another cigarette again. I had had such a bad experience, had gotten to such a bad place, that I went cold turkey and had zero issues giving it up. I will never go back there again. That’s leverage.

You have to have the leverage—you have to know your why—or you will never make change. You have to know what to focus on, or you will never make progress.