رفتار هفتم: نه ‌گفتن را یاد بگیرید

BEHAVIOR 7:

LEARN TO SAY NO

I recognize this may make me a pariah in certain social circles, but I’m going to go ahead and say it anyway.

I don’t volunteer at my kids’ school.

Not because I don’t have time. My calendar is packed, but I’m in control of it. I could make time. And not because there isn’t opportunity to do it, because I get the requests to sign up for craft day or the field trip to Underwood Family Farms just like every other parent. No, I don’t volunteer at my children’s school, because I hate it. Shoot! I know I’m going to get angry notes about this, but I’ve got to be honest. It’s my nightmare.

For years and years I signed up to volunteer. I was room mom. I stuffed the Thursday folders. I planned the parties and herded children through the pumpkin patch during the fall field trip. And I hated every single part of it, except for getting to hang out with my kid during a weekday.

Moms are supposed to want to hang out at school, right? They’re supposed to want to volunteer. They’re supposed to love every single child on the planet, especially everyone in their kid’s second-grade class.

But I don’t.

Some of those kids on the field trips, they’re the worst. You know it’s true! And stuffing Thursday folders is so boring I want to lie down and die right on top of that half-circle table they make you sit at in a chair made for an eight-year-old!

I dislike it all. Immensely.

Now, just so we’re clear, I’ll do it if it needs to be done. I faithfully showed up to two years of preschool board meetings. I worked the snack bar at the winter festival and planned the annual fundraiser for our local elementary school. Why? Because there was nobody else to do it, and I will totally take one for the team if it needs to be done.

But, if there are eighty-seven other parents who love volunteering and they’re wondering would Ford’s mom like to sign up for classroom-helper day this quarter? Nope. No, thank you.

Years ago Jen Hatmaker reminded us of this quote, “If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.”1 Meaning, if someone asks you to do something outside of your regularly scheduled programming and your immediate gut reaction isn’t “Hell, yes!” then you should absolutely say, “No, thank you.” Volunteering at school isn’t my jam, and unless there’s some kind of shortage on helpers, I’m not going to commit to it. It gets me all kinds of side-eyes and snarky comments from the other moms at school, and I promise you, promise, that someone somewhere (maybe many someones) just read that I don’t like to volunteer and got pissed. They decided right here and now—based on that single statement—that I’m a bad mom.

You are never, ever supposed to admit you don’t like certain parts of parenting. It’s an unspoken rule. Not volunteering at school? I can imagine impassioned readers shaking their fists at the sky. What kind of monster doesn’t want to help America’s youth? What kind of jerk can’t commit to an hour a week helping out in the classroom? You need to get your priorities straight, sister!

Here’s the thing, though. My priorities are super straight. Here they are:

•Myself, my personal growth, and my faith.

•My husband and our commitment to an exceptional marriage.

•My children and my commitment to be an exceptional mother.

•My work and larger mission to give women the tools to change their lives.

I’m sure there’s some confusion here, because I’ve listed out being an exceptional mother and yet I’m admitting that I won’t volunteer at my kids’ school. Well, here is the power of being extremely clear on your priorities and how they manifest according to you. I personally don’t believe that I need to volunteer at their school to be a good mom. You may absolutely believe you do in your own life—and that’s awesome because it’ll give you some guidance on how to lay out your own wills and won’ts—but for me, volunteering doesn’t equal parental success. Cheering at sporting events, sitting for hours during the school musical, regularly having family dinners and family vacations, taking the kids on business trips so they get alone time with me, reading bedtime stories, tucking them in at night—these are just a handful of things that are sacrosanct to me as a mom. These are just a few of my hell yes moments when it comes to parenting. These are what I’m committed to do no matter what, but to make sure I have time to get to all the things on my priorities list (not just my children), I’ve got to be crystal clear about what matters to me and to them.

Notice that nowhere on the list did I write out, “Make sure the other moms at school approve of me.” Or, “Live life to meet other people’s expectations and priorities.” I don’t have the time or the energy for that. I’ve decided on four areas of focus for my life, and if the activity I’ve been invited to take part in doesn’t serve one of those four things, then I can’t do it. Remember, if everything is important then nothing is. If everything demands your attention, you’ll never have focus. If you allow other people to dictate your schedule to you, they absolutely will.

I’ve learned to say no.

More than that, I’ve learned to say no without even one second of guilt or shame about it, and I can tell you that it’s magic! I get to live life in a way that makes sense for my family, and I promise you we are all better off for it. My kids get more dedicated time in the areas that matter to us, and I’m not running through life exhausted and overextended.

Have you learned to say no yet? Do you need to? Here is my best advice for how to teach yourself this practice: RESPOND ASAP

To stay organized in business, you’re told to “only touch something once.” Meaning, if you open an email you respond to it then. If you take a meeting, you come up with a plan of action while you’re in the room. Only touch it once. Well, this needs to apply to requests for your time as well: only touch it once in that, as soon as you get the request, you respond as soon as possible in the affirmative or the negative. No maybes or probablys. Maybe and probably is code for “I really don’t want to do this, but I don’t want to tell you that.” You likely won’t suddenly develop the courage later to tell whoever’s asking that you’re not interested. Instead, you’ll sit on it until it’s too late to cancel and end up doing this thing you didn’t actually want to do. That’s how you become Bitter Barbie. When someone asks you for something, go with your gut and respond as soon as possible.

BE POLITE, BUT HONEST

I get so many requests, you guys. You can’t even imagine the amount of emails asking for mentorship, advice, nonprofit support, and product endorsements flooding my inbox on the regular. For years and years I agreed to every coffee date, every request to “pick my brain,” and every charity opportunity that came my way, and I was drowning in it. I didn’t know how to say no, because I felt a responsibility to give back and show up for others. Then I had an epiphany: every time I gave someone an hour, I was taking an hour away from my kids. Every time I gave someone an hour, that was less energy I had to devote to my marriage. Every yes to someone else was a no to me and my list of priorities. So I started being totally honest, and I did it in the most polite way possible. I told everyone who requested time that I couldn’t commit to anything additionally this season because it would take time away from my family. Seriously, who is going to argue with you or be mad at you for that? Nobody. I’ve never once had someone push back on this, but I have had many women write back and tell me they’d never considered that perspective. A yes to their agenda is a no to yours. Be honest about what you can commit to and do it politely.

BE FIRM

This almost plays into the idea of only touching something once, because if you don’t do this effectively, you’ll have someone reach out again and again, which is a waste of both your time and theirs. Be firm with others in a way that doesn’t leave it open-ended, unless you’d truly like to revisit the opportunity later. Also, be firm with yourself. You’ve made the commitment to you and your goals, and it’s important that you stick to your guns. Learn to say no and to say no effectively.