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EXCUSE 8:

WHAT WILL THEY THINK?

I started boxing.

And just so we’re all clear on this, I don’t mean boxing at the 24 Hour Fitness. There’s nothing wrong with boxing at your local gym. I just want to make clear the distinction between performing boxing-style moves for cardio at your usual workout spot and going to a real-life boxing gym that’s dirty and smelly and blasts Metallica like it’s required for the sport. I’ve only been to a few sessions so far, so for all I know it is required for the sport. My point is, I’m getting real training from someone whose job it is to teach actual fighters how to throw a punch.

The gym I’m going to for this training isn’t pretty by any stretch of the imagination. The workout is grueling, and I often feel like I’m going to die or puke up my breakfast smoothie all over the ring. I don’t fit in. Imagine a dirty room full of Minotaurs and then me, all five feet, two inches of me with my long, long extensions and my overly dramatic fake lashes. There I am, a thirty-five-year-old mother of four, trying my darndest to slide away from punches lest my trainer knock me upside my head. I’m not exceptionally good at it, though truth be told I’ve never seen any kind of boxing match, so I’m not totally sure what the end goal is supposed to be. So why do I do it? Why do I keep showing up to try something amongst people who are so much further along than I am? Why do I hang out in a room I don’t fit in and keep attempting to learn something I’m not particularly skilled at, all while others watch and judge and draw their own conclusions?

Because it makes me happy.

I like throwing punches and working out to Jay-Z and flipping my hat around backward like a proper tomboy. I love boxing, and I love pushing myself to try something new. Here’s the kicker: I don’t care what anyone else thinks about that.

But maybe you read that and think, Okay, big deal! You’re comfortable at your boxing gym. I don’t know how that’s supposed to help me find the courage to start a business as a wedding photographer! Well, how about this? There are two types of people in the world. Nonjudgmental people, who aren’t ever going to think badly of you for anything you do regardless of the outcome, and judgmental people, who are jerks. These jerks are probably working through their own issues and we’ll pray for them, but, at the end of the day, judgmental people are going to judge you no matter what! If they’re going to judge you either way, then you may as well go for it. You may as well live your life. You may as well be true to who you are and what you value and let go of how it will be received.

On Mondays my kids have karate. On other days there is baseball practice and piano practice and then karate practice again. We might have an audition for the school musical. We might have a dine-out night to support the PTA. We might have playdates or dentist appointments or simply need to make the trip (for the millionth time) to get everyone’s hair cut. There are so many things to keep up with when you have four kids, and I don’t always remember them, no matter how hard I try. Yesterday the school called to tell me that Ford is the very last child (out of all the incoming kindergartners) who still needs to turn in his paperwork.

You guys, I didn’t even know what paperwork she was talking about!

Which brings me back to karate practice. Karate practice takes two hours (not including drive time), while first my youngest and then my big boys try to work their way up to the next belt color. Those two hours happen during a weekday afternoon when I should technically be working. But I want the boys to have the opportunity to do something cool, to not be held back by my schedule, which is something that happens more often than not. So, if I can make it work, I get off early and take them to practice. Then I sit down on the blue carpet amongst water bottles and flip-flops, and at some point, I open up my laptop and start working through emails, or book edits that are due on Friday, or the timeline for one of our live events.

And inevitably I start to get looks from the other parents.

Now maybe I’m being presumptuous. Maybe those looks are actually because they like my computer case, or they think my hair looks especially good in that topknot today. But if I had to guess, I’d say their looks are more about the fact that I’m working when I should be wholly devoted to watching my kids master their front kick. Some insecure part of me—the one that used to worry quite a bit about what other mothers thought about my parenting style—considers putting the computer away. But then this is the trade-off, or maybe perk is a better word.

So many working moms wish they could make it to practice, even if it meant they were building a spreadsheet on Excel while their children karate-chopped the air to the Pokémon soundtrack. What a gift that I get to have that experience! So I don’t put the laptop away. I remind myself that this is part of the deal, that these boys of mine will always know what hard work and dedication look like. I remind myself that someday when they’re grown men it will never occur to them that a woman can’t start and build and run a successful company, because that was always part of their reality.

God willing, I’m the only mom my kids will ever know, and I honestly don’t know any other way to make this all work—for all of us—without multitasking sometimes. So I refuse to teach them that you should pursue your dreams but simultaneously be ashamed of them. If I don’t want that for them as adults, I need to model that behavior for them now. I can’t worry about what the other moms at practice think of me, and you can’t worry about what the other moms, or your in-laws, or the PTA think of you. All you can do as a working mom is try your best. All you can do as a recent college grad is try your best. All you can do as a fifty-something divorcée is try your best. All you can do at any stage and season of life is try your best, and someone else’s opinion of how you’re doing or what you’re doing is . . . none of your business.

You know this, friends. I know you do! So why is it that your dreams are still hiding out in your heart instead of taking shape in your hands? It’s not a fear of failure that keeps you in this place; it’s a fear of what other people will think of your failure.

OPO, other people’s opinions. You down with it? Because if you are, you’re giving all your power away.

The opinion of the other moms at school? The opinion of the Hulks in my boxing gym? The opinion of strangers on the internet or my parents or even my fans? The second I start to give inordinate weight to any of it is the second my priorities get out of alignment. When other people’s expectations start to dictate your actions, you’re lost. Your hope, your dreams, your sense of self . . . it all gets lost.

You want to make real strides for yourself and your goals this year? Stop caring about what “they” think of you. Stop giving power to someone else’s opinions.

Inevitably, when I say something like this the question that comes back is about accountability and whether we can truly maintain our integrity if we have no sounding board. First of all, you know what’s right and wrong. You know what’s true. Down in your gut, you know how the best version of yourself would live out this day, this life you’ve been given. You may not always get to that place, but you know what it is you’re striving for. So don’t underestimate that.

Secondly, if you’re truly blessed, you will have people in your life who are confidants and true friends. Their wisdom will be your counsel, and you can seek them out when you need to. But—and here’s the place where people get tripped up—there is a big difference between wanting someone’s opinion and needing their approval. The latter typically comes disguised as the former. We ask for an opinion because we’re feeling unsure about something, and often if we can find someone to agree we somehow justify the idea as good or bad.

Yesterday I made this mistake with my husband. He is my best friend and counselor, and I still had to separate his opinion from what I really wanted. I have this idea for a new book. A new fiction book. I haven’t written fiction since I wrapped up my Girls series, but (as often happens when you’re in the middle of writing a book) I started daydreaming about my next book. This happens partly because you’re deep in a creative headspace and mostly because writing books (no matter how many you do) is super hard. Fantasizing about being finished and working on the next thing is the carrot you dangle to get you through big writing days. So this new novel, it’s my carrot, and I got excited enough to tell Dave about it. And in doing so, I opened myself up for opinions.

His opinion was that the plot sounded a lot like something else and that it also sounded a little convoluted. He said it in the nicest way, truly just a harmless thought as part of our little brainstorming session. The problem is not that he offered his opinion; the problem is that I immediately started to adjust my thoughts about the book. I immediately started to wonder if maybe he was right and my idea was wrong and I should just scrap it. But the truth is . . . it doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter if Dave is right. It doesn’t matter if the experts are right. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or believes. The idea, the dream, the goal is my own. The second I start looking for other people to validate it, I begin to lose steam and momentum. When you’re in the early stages of an idea or a goal, you’re the most insecure, which means you’re easily swayed by what other people might think or believe. You’re most easily talked out of an idea you might have loved or into an idea you might regret when you allow other people’s opinions to color your plans.

It’s like when you ask someone to review or critique the first draft of your manuscript when you’re only halfway done. When I ask someone to read an unfinished draft, it’s because I’m looking for validation. It’s usually because I’m struggling and thinking I’m a terrible writer, and I want someone whose opinion I admire to tell me to keep going. The truth is, no one else can validate you enough to finish a first draft. No one can validate you enough to follow through on the dream you’ve laid out for yourself. Even the most encouraging coach on the planet can’t make you finish the race. You’re going to have to find it in yourself to chase it down all on your own.

But what’s the harm, right? If you still finish it yourself in the end, why does it matter whether you look for someone else to validate your idea in the beginning? Because, while other people can’t help you finish, they can certainly—even if unintentionally—talk you out of trying.

I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it so that you no longer felt trapped under the weight of other people’s opinions and expectations, but I know it’s not that easy. It’s a hard habit to break, but make no mistake, it’s a habit and a choice. We can choose to not allow that weight in our lives, but since we’re all probably operating under some negative opinions, we also need to learn how to get out from under what is already there. And that starts with understanding exactly what kind of opinions we’re dealing with.

Here’s the deal. There are two kinds of negative opinions: substantiated and hearsay. Substantiated means that you know for sure the negative opinion is there. Someone tells you the things they don’t like about you—straight up to your face, like a Drake song. Maybe they’re family, maybe they’re friends, maybe they’re random strangers on the internet. These kinds of substantiated opinions are delivered two possible ways. Just follow me down this flow chart. I promise we’re going somewhere.

The first possible presentation of a negative opinion is thoughtful and kind. It’s given to you by someone who cares about you, and they’re concerned about a choice that you’re making. But even when their heart is in the right place, there’s a lot of nuance here. Is this really about you? Or is their concern grounded in their perception that what you’re doing is wrong? Remember our conversation about other people’s perceptions of what’s shameful? Please see my OPO Flow Chart for how to proceed here.

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The other way you might possibly hear someone’s negative opinion about you is in a hurtful way. This is when whoever is offering the opinion—family member, friend, stranger—doesn’t come with the intent to offer constructive feedback or to help you get better or to show you true concern. Their intent is to tease you and belittle you at best or tear you down and hurt you at worst. Either way, ain’t nobody got time for that! This person’s behavior does not have a place in your life.

Let me say it again: this behavior doesn’t have a place in your life.

I don’t care if it’s coming from your sister or your mom or your boyfriend. Nobody deserves verbal and mental abuse, and every time you allow it to happen you’re giving that person permission to treat you that way. You are not required to put up with it just because you always have.

To recap, we’ve got two kinds of negative substantiated opinions. The first comes from a place of love, so you’re going to be a grown-up and consider it but not accept it as gospel truth unless it feels right to you. The second isn’t meant to be helpful but destructive, and therefore you should reject it. Reject it! Don’t let it be considered, discussed, absorbed, or given one single particle of oxygen to help that fire spread. Any opinion not presented in love should not be considered. Period.

Which brings me to the second kind of negative opinion about you. The hearsay. The figment of your imagination—no matter how likely it may be—the negativity that you’ve made up all on your own. Eleanor Roosevelt told us that nobody could make us feel bad without our consent. I’m going to add to that. Be very careful you’re not consenting to let your mind make you feel bad when nobody else actually did anything. What do I mean by that?

Perhaps you’re pretty sure your mother-in-law disapproves of you. Or you’re almost positive that your cousin Crystal’s snarky comment on Facebook was aimed in your direction. Maybe you know for a fact that the girls you went to high school with who you now know only through social media would make fun of you if they saw you trying to do something new. In all of these instances, none of these negative opinions are actually substantiated, and therefore, you’re really just sabotaging yourself.

Nobody has said anything. Nobody has done anything. Maybe your new mother-in-law does disapprove of you, and maybe she just misses her son and feels anxious about how she’ll fit into your life. Maybe your cousin Crystal was aiming that comment in your direction, but you and I both know that Crystal is the worst! She used to give you titty twisters—this is the person whose opinion you’re going to worry about?

The irony is, most of the time, nobody is actually thinking about you. Nobody actually cares what you’re up to, and if they do they’re not judging you or making fun of you behind your back. It’s not like you hang out with a bunch of ogres, right?

And if they do dislike you, it doesn’t matter. It. Doesn’t. Matter. But more than that, assuming that someone thinks the worst of you when you have no real evidence to back that up isn’t about them—it’s about you. You’re letting their opinion control your life, and you don’t even know if they really have one! It’s all in your own thoughts. You’re just wrapping it up and blaming it on other people so you don’t have to take responsibility.

The truth is, it doesn’t matter what they think of you; it matters what you think of you. Hard as it is to reconcile, someone else’s opinion only holds power if you allow it to. If you actively take steps and intentionally begin to live without obsessing over what other people think, it will be the most freeing decision of your life.