فصل 54

Why You Should Not Use a Steak Knife as a Diving Board

RAPPELLING DOWN THE WALL was the easy part.

When we reached the bottom, I started having serious doubts. The giantesses were definitely smaller than their dead sister—maybe fifty feet tall. If I’d been asked to wrestle one of their big toes, I could’ve won no problem. Other than that, I didn’t like my chances.

“I feel like Jack up the beanstalk,” I muttered.

Sam laughed under her breath. “Where do you think that story comes from? It’s a cultural memory—a watered-down account of what happens when humans blunder into Jotunheim.”

“Super.”

The sword buzzed in my hand. “Besides, you can’t be Jack. I’m Jack.”

I couldn’t argue with that logic.

We navigated across the stone floor, through a wasteland of dust bunnies, food scraps, and grease puddles.

The fireplace was so hot my clothes steamed. My hair crackled. The smell of the giants’ body odor—a combination of wet clay and sour meat—was almost as deadly as a sword flying up my nose.

We got within shouting distance of the dining table, but the two giantesses still hadn’t noticed us. They both wore sandals, size 120 leather dresses, and Flintstones-style necklaces made from polished boulders. Their stringy black hair was woven into pigtails. Their gray faces were hideously painted with rouge and lipstick. I didn’t have my fashion advisor Blitzen with me, but I guessed the giant sisters were dolled up for a girls’ night out, even though it was barely lunchtime.

“Ready?” Sam asked me.

The answer was no, but I took a deep breath and yelled, “Hello!”

The giantesses kept chatting, banging their cups, and chomping their meat.

I tried again. “YO!”

The big ladies froze. They scanned the room. Finally the one on the left spotted us. She burst out laughing, spraying bits of mead and meat. “More humans! I don’t believe it!”

The other giantess leaned over. “Is that another Valkyrie? And…” She sniffed the air. “The boy is an einherji. Perfect! I was just wondering what we’d have for dessert.”

“We claim guest rights!” I yelled.

The giantess on the left made a sour face. “Now, why did you have to go and do that?”

“We want to barter.” I pointed to the birdcage, now so far above us I could only see its rusted base hovering like a moon. “For that swan’s freedom. And also…possibly, you know, if you have any stolen weapons lying around. Like, I don’t know, a hammer or something.”

“Smooth,” Sam muttered.

The giantesses looked at each other like they were trying not to giggle. They’d obviously been hitting the mead pretty hard.

“Very well,” said the giantess on the left. “I am Gjalp. This is my sister Griep. We agree to host you while we barter. What are your names?”

“I am Magnus, son of Natalie,” I said. “And this is—”

“Samirah, daughter of Ayesha,” said Sam.

“You are welcome in the house of our father, Geirrod,” said Gjalp. “But I can barely hear you down there. Do you mind if I put you in a chair?”

“Uh, okay,” I said.

The other sister, Griep, snatched us up like toys. She set us on an empty chair, its seat the size of a living room. The tabletop was still a good five feet above my head.

“Oh, dear,” Griep said. “That’s still too low. May I raise your chair for you?”

Sam started to say, “Magnus—”

I blurted out, “Sure.”

With a shriek of glee, Griep picked up our chair and thrust it over her head. If not for the backrest, Sam and I would’ve been smashed flat against the ceiling. As it was, we got knocked off our feet and showered in plaster.

Griep put down the chair. It took a moment for my eyeballs to stop rattling. Then I saw the giantesses’ scowling faces looming over us.

“It didn’t work,” Griep said, with obvious disappointment.

“Of course it didn’t work,” Gjalp growled. “You never do that trick right. I told you, it has to be something without a back, like a stool. And we should have installed those spikes in the ceiling.”

“You were trying to kill us!” I said. “That can’t be in the rules for good hosts.”

“Kill you?” Gjalp looked offended. “That’s an absolutely baseless accusation. My sister only did as you requested. She asked your permission to raise the chair.”

“You just said it was a trick.”

“Did I?” Gjalp blinked. Up close, her heavily mascaraed lashes looked like the obstacle course for a mud run. “Pretty sure I didn’t.”

I looked at the Sword of Summer, which was still in my hand. “Jack, have they broken the host rules yet? Because trying to kill us seems kinda borderline.”

“Not unless they admit their intent,” Jack said. “And they’re saying it was an accident.”

The giantesses both straightened.

“A talking sword?” Gjalp said. “Well now, that’s interesting.”

“You sure I can’t raise your chair for you again?” Griep offered. “I could run to the kitchen and get a stool. It’s no trouble.”

“Honored hosts,” Sam said, her voice shaky, “please put us gently and safely on the top of your table, so we may barter with you.”

Griep muttered unhappily, but she did as Sam asked. The giantess deposited us next to her fork and knife, which were roughly the same size as me. Her mug would’ve made a fine water tower for a rural town. I just hoped it wasn’t named Boom Daddy.

“So…” Griep plopped back in her chair. “You want freedom for the swan? You’ll have to wait until our father gets home to negotiate terms. She is his prisoner, not ours.”

“She’s a Valkyrie, of course,” Gjalp added. “Flew in our window last night. She refuses to show her true form. Thinks she can fool us by staying in that silly swan costume, but Dad is too clever for her.”

“Bummer,” I said. “Well, we tried.”

“Magnus…” Sam chided. “Gracious hosts, will you at least consent not to kill the swan until we’ve had a chance to speak with Geirrod?”

Gjalp shrugged. “Like I said, her fate is up to Dad. He might let her go if you surrendered yourselves in exchange, but I don’t know. We need something spicy for the stew tonight.”

“Let’s put a pin in that,” I said.

“Which is only an expression,” Sam added hastily. “By no means is my friend granting you permission to put a pin in anything, especially us.”

“Nice save,” I told her.

Sam gave me a you’re-such-an-idiot look. I was getting used to that.

Gjalp crossed her arms, forming a new mesa against her chest. “You said you also wanted to barter for a stolen weapon?”

“Yeah,” I said. “Something thunder-goddish, if you have it—not that any particular thunder god is missing any particular weapon.”

Griep cackled. “Oh, we have something like that…something that belongs to Thor himself.”

Since Thor wasn’t there to creatively cuss, Sam did the honors, muttering a few comments that I doubted her grandparents would approve of.

“Those are just expressions,” I added hastily. “In no way was my friend giving you permission to do…any of those rude and colorful things. Will you barter with us for the h—for the weapon you spoke of?”

“Of course!” Gjalp grinned. “In fact, I’d like to wrap up these negotiations quickly since my sister and I have an appointment—”

“With hot frost giant twins,” Griep said.

“—so we’ll make you a fair deal,” Gjalp continued. “We’ll give you Thor’s weapon for that lovely talking sword. And we’ll release the swan—I’m pretty sure Dad will be okay with that—as long as you give yourselves in exchange. You won’t get a better deal than that.”

“That’s hardly a deal,” Sam growled.

“Then you can refuse,” Griep said, “and leave in peace. It’s all the same to us.”

Jack thrummed indignantly, his runes glowing. “Magnus, you’d never give me up, right? We’re friends! You’re not like your dad, gonna toss me aside as soon as you see something you like better?”

I thought about Loki’s suggestion that I give the sword to my Uncle Randolph. At the time, I’d actually been tempted. Now, the idea seemed impossible—and only partly because the giantesses wanted to put us in a cage and have us for dinner. Jack had saved our lives at least twice now. I liked him, even if he did occasionally call me se?or.

An alternative came to me. A bad idea, yes, but better than the giants’ offer.

“Jack,” I said, “hypothetically speaking, if I told these giantesses how we killed their sister, would that break the rules of guest etiquette?”

“What?” Gjalp cried.

Jack’s runes glowed a more cheerful shade of red. “No etiquette problem there, my friend, because that happened before we were guests here.”

“Okay.” I smiled at the giantesses. “We killed your sister—big ugly lady, trying to block the river and drown Thor? Yeah. She’s dead now.”

“LIES!” Gjalp shot to her feet. “Puny humans! You could not possibly have killed our sister!”

“Actually, my sword flew up her nose and scrambled her brains.”

Griep howled in outrage. “I should have crushed you like bugs! Curse my lack of a stool and strategically placed ceiling spikes!”

I’ll admit, having two giantesses tower over me bellowing death threats was a wee bit unnerving.

But Sam kept her cool.

She pointed her ax accusingly at Griep. “So, you were trying to kill us just now!”

“Of course, you dolt!”

“Which violates the rules of hosts.”

“Who cares?” Griep cried.

“Magnus’s sword does,” Sam said. “Jack, did you hear that?”

“I sure did. I’d like to point out, though, that the effort required to kill these two giantesses might be too much—”

“Do it!” I hurled the sword.

Jack spiraled upward, straight into Griep’s right nostril and out her left. The giantess collapsed, shaking the room at 6.8 on the Richter scale.

Gjalp stifled a scream. She covered her nose and mouth and stumbled around as Jack tried in vain to stab his way through her fingers.

“Oh, this one is getting smart!” Jack yelled. “A little help over here?”

“Magnus!” Sam pushed the giantess’s steak knife to the edge of the table until the blade extended like a diving board.

I got what she wanted me to do. It was stupid crazy, but I didn’t give myself time to reflect. I ran full tilt at the knife and jumped toward the end of the blade.

Sam yelled, “Wait!”

By then I was already in midair. I landed on the knife, which catapulted upward as I dropped. The plan worked, sort of. I landed on the empty seat of the chair, which was not far enough down to kill me, but was enough to break my leg. Hooray! The pain drove a hot nail up the base of my spine.

Gjalp got it worse. The spinning steak knife hit her in the chest. It didn’t impale her. It didn’t even go through her dress, but the poke was enough to make her yell. She lowered her hands, grabbing instinctively for her chest, which allowed Jack full access to her nose.

A second later, Gjalp was lying dead on the floor next to her sister.

“Magnus!” Sam lowered herself off the table and dropped next to me on the chair. “You fool! I wanted you to help me throw a saltshaker on the blade! I didn’t expect you to jump on it yourself!”

“You’re welcome.” I grimaced. “Also, ow.”

“Is it broken?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry, I’m a fast healer. Give me an hour—”

“I don’t think we have—” Sam started to say.

From the next room, a deep voice boomed, “Girls, I’m home!”