فصل 70

We Are Subjected to the PowerPoint of Doom

ODIN GOT HIS DRINK, offered some toasts, then began pacing in front of his throne, talking about where he’d been and what he’d been doing the past few decades. I was too shocked to register much of Odin’s speech. I think most of the einherjar felt the same way.

The room only began to unfreeze when Odin summoned up the glowing Valkyrie-Vision screens. Einherjar blinked and stirred as if coming out of mass hypnosis.

“I am a seeker of knowledge!” Odin announced. “This has always been true. I hung from the World Tree for nine days and nights, racked with pain, in order to discover the secret of runes. I stood in line in a blizzard for six days to discover the sorcery of the smartphone.”

“What?” I muttered.

Blitzen coughed. “Just roll with it.”

“And more recently,” Odin announced, “I endured seven weeks of motivational speaker training at a hotel in Peoria to discover…this!”

A clicker appeared in his hand. On all the magical screens, a PowerPoint title slide glowed, with a whirling emblem that read: ODIN’S PLAN: HOW TO HAVE A HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL AFTERLIFE!

“What is going on?” I whispered to Sam.

“Odin is always trying different things,” she said. “Looking in new places for knowledge. He is very wise, but…”

Hearthstone signed as discreetly as possible: This is why I work for Mimir.

“So you see,” Odin continued, pacing back and forth, his ravens flapping their wings for balance, “everything these heroes have done, they did with my knowledge and my permission. I have been with them the entire time—either in person or in spirit.”

The screen changed. Odin started lecturing through some bullet points. My eyes kind of glazed over, but he talked about why he’d hidden in Valhalla as X the half-troll:

“To see how you would welcome such a warrior, and how you would carry out your duties when you didn’t think I was around. You all need to work on your positive empowerment and self-actualization.”

He explained why he’d chosen Samirah al-Abbas as a Valkyrie:

“If the daughter of Loki can show such bravery, why can’t we all? Samirah demonstrates the seven heroic qualities I’ll be highlighting in my upcoming book, Seven Heroic Qualities, which will be available in the Valhalla gift shop.”

He explained why the Norns’ prophecy didn’t mean what we thought it did:

“Wrongly chosen, wrongly slain,” he recited. “Magnus Chase was wrongly chosen by Loki—who thought this boy could be easily influenced. Instead, Magnus Chase proved himself a true hero!”

Despite the compliment, I liked Odin better as a taciturn half-troll than as a motivational speaker. The dinner crowd didn’t seem sure what to make of him either, though some of the thanes were dutifully taking notes.

“Which brings us to the affirmations portion of this presentation.” Odin advanced his slide show. A photograph of Blitzen popped up. It had obviously been taken during the crafting contest with Junior. Sweat streamed down Blitzen’s face. His expression was agonized, as if somebody had just dropped a hammer on his foot.

“Blitzen, son of Freya!” Odin said. “This noble dwarf won the rope Andskoti, which rebound Fenris Wolf. He followed his heart, mastered his fears, and served my old friend Mimir faithfully. For your heroism, Blitzen, you shall be released from Mimir’s service and given funding to open the shop you have always wanted. Because I have to say…” Odin waved his hand over his hotel polo shirt. Suddenly he was wearing a chain mail vest. “I picked up your prototype after the contest, and it’s a very fine fashion statement. Any warrior would be wise to acquire one!”

The einherjar murmured in approval. Some oohed and ahhed.

Blitzen bowed deeply. “Thank you, Lord Odin. I am—I can’t begin to—Could I use that endorsement for my product line?”

Odin smiled benevolently. “Of course. And next we have Hearthstone the elf!”

Hearth’s photo appeared on the screens. He was slumped in the window of Geirrod’s palace. He had a silly grin on his face. His hands were making the sign for washing machine.

“This noble creature risked everything to rediscover rune magic. He is the first true sorcerer to appear from the mortal realms in centuries. Without him, the quest to restrain the Wolf would have failed many times over.” Odin beamed down at the elf. “My friend, you also shall be released from Mimir’s service. I will personally bring you to Asgard, where I will teach you the runes in a ninety-minute one-on-one free tutoring session, accompanied by a DVD and signed copy of my book Rune Magic with the All-Father.”

Polite clapping.

Hearthstone looked stunned. He managed to sign, Thank you.

The screen changed. In Sam’s photo, she was standing nervously at the counter of Fadlan’s Falafel, her face turned aside, blushing furiously as Amir leaned toward her, grinning.

“Ooooooo,” said the crowd of einherjar, followed by a fair amount of snickering.

“Kill me now,” Sam muttered. “Please.”

“Samirah al-Abbas!” Odin said. “I personally chose you to be a Valkyrie because of your courage, your resilience, your potential greatness. Many here mistrusted you, but you rose to the challenge. You followed my orders. You did your duty even when you were reviled and exiled. To you, I give a choice.”

Odin regarded the fallen Valkyries who lay before the thanes’ table. He allowed a respectful silence to fall across the room.

“Gunilla, Margaret, Irene—all knew the risks of being a Valkyrie. All gave their lives to make today’s victory possible. In the end, they saw your true worth, and they fought at your side. I believe they would agree you should be reinstated as a Valkyrie.”

Sam’s knees almost gave out. She had to lean on Mallory Keen for support.

“I offer you a choice of jobs,” Odin continued. “I need a captain for my Valkyries. I can think of no one better than you. This would allow you more time to spend in the mortal world, perhaps a chance to rest after your harrowing quest. Or”—his blue eye gleamed—“you could choose a much more dangerous assignment, working directly for me as the need arises on other, shall we say, high-risk, high-reward missions.”

Sam bowed. “All-Father, you honor me. I could never replace Gunilla. All I ask for is the chance to prove myself, as many times as necessary, until no one here has any doubt of my loyalties to Valhalla. I will take the more dangerous assignment. Command me, and I will not fail.”

This went down pretty well with the crowd. The einherjar applauded. Some shouted approval. Even the other Valkyries regarded Sam with less hostile expressions.

“Very well,” Odin said. “Once again, Samirah, you prove your wisdom. We will speak later of your duties. And now…Magnus Chase.”

The screens changed. There I was: frozen mid-scream as I fell from the Longfellow Bridge. “Son of Frey, you retrieved the Sword of Summer. You kept it from the grip of Surt. You have proven yourself…well, perhaps not a great warrior—”

“Thanks,” I muttered.

“—but certainly a great einherji. I think we are in agreement—all of us here at the thanes’ table—that you, too, deserve a reward.”

Odin glanced to his left and right. The thanes stirred, hastily muttering, “Yes. Um. Absolutely.”

“I do not offer this lightly,” Odin said. “But if you still feel that Valhalla is not your place, I will send you to Folkvanger, where your aunt holds court. As a child of the Vanir, perhaps that would be more to your liking. Or”—his blue eye seemed to pierce right through me—“if you wish, I will even allow you to return to the mortal world, and be released from your duties as an einherji.”

The room filled with murmuring and tension. From the faces of the crowd, I could tell this was an unusual offer. Odin was taking a risk. If he set a precedent of letting einherjar return to the world, wouldn’t others want to go too?

I looked at Sam and Blitzen and Hearthstone. I looked at my hallmates from floor nineteen—T.J., Halfborn, Mallory. For the first time in years, I didn’t feel homeless.

I bowed to Odin. “Thank you, All-Father. But wherever these friends of mine are—that’s my home. I am one of the einherjar. I am one of your warriors. That is reward enough.”

The whole dining hall erupted in cheering. Goblets banged on tables. Swords clattered against shields. My friends surrounded me, hugging me and clapping me on the shoulders. Mallory kissed my cheek and said, “You are a huge idiot.” Then she whispered in my ear, “Thank you.”

Halfborn ruffled my hair. “We’ll make you a warrior yet, Frey-son.”

When the cheering died down, Odin raised his hand. His clicker elongated into a glowing white spear.

“By Gungnir, the hallowed weapon of the All-Father, I declare that these seven heroes shall have full rights of passage through the Nine Worlds, including Valhalla. Wherever they go, they shall go in my name, serving the will of Asgard. Let no one interfere on pain of death!” He lowered his spear. “Tonight, we feast in their honor. Tomorrow, our fallen comrades shall be given to water and flame!”