فصل 30

30

Dear Lou,

I wasn’t entirely truthful when we last met. So I’m writing to you now, not because I think it will change anything but because I deceived you once and it’s important to me that you know I will never mislead or deceive you again.

I’m not with Katie. I wasn’t when I last saw you. I don’t want to say too much but it became clear pretty quickly that we are very different people, and that I had made a huge mistake. If I’m honest, I think I knew it from the start. She has put in for a transfer and although they don’t like it much at head office it looks like they’ll go ahead with it.

I’m left feeling like a fool, and rightly so. Not a day goes by when I don’t wish I’d just written you a few lines every day, like you asked, or sent the odd postcard. I should have hung on tighter. I should have told you what I felt when I felt it. I should have just tried a bit harder instead of throwing myself a pity party at the thought of all the people who had left me behind.

Like I said, I’m not writing to change your mind. I know you’ve moved on. I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry, and that I’ll always regret what happened, and that I really hope you’re happy (it’s kind of hard to tell at a funeral).

Take care of yourself, Louisa.

Love always, Sam

I felt giddy. Then I felt a bit sick. And then I gulped, swallowing a huge sob of an emotion I couldn’t quite identify. And then I screwed the letter up in a ball and, with a roar, hurled it with force into the bin.

I sent Margot a picture of Dean Martin and wrote her a short letter updating her on his wellbeing, just to calm my nerves. I walked up and down the empty apartment and swore a bit. I poured myself a sherry from Margot’s dusty drinks cabinet and drank it in three gulps, although it wasn’t even lunchtime. And then I pulled the letter out of the bin, opened my laptop, sat on the hall floor with my back to Margot’s front door so that I could use the Gopniks’ WiFi, and emailed Sam.

What kind of bullshit letter is that? Why would you send me that now? After all this time?

The answer came back within minutes, as if he had been sitting waiting at his computer.

I get your anger. I’d probably be angry too. But Lily said you were thinking of getting married and the whole looking at apartments in Little Italy thing just made me think if I didn’t tell you now it was going to be too late.

I stared at my screen, frowning. I reread what he’d written, twice. Then I typed:

Lily told you that?

Yes. And the thing about you thinking it was a bit soon and not wanting him to think you were doing it for the residency. But how his proposal made it impossible for you to say no.

I waited a few minutes, then I typed, carefully:

Sam, what did she tell you about the proposal?

That Josh had gone down on one knee at the top of the Empire State Building? And about the opera singer he hired? Lou, don’t be angry with her. I know I shouldn’t have made her tell me. I know it’s none of my business. But I just asked her how you were the other day. I wanted to know what was going on in your life. And then she kind of knocked me sideways with all this stuff. I told myself to just be glad you were happy. But I kept thinking: What if I had been that guy? What if I had – I don’t know – seized the moment?

I closed my eyes.

So you wrote to me because Lily told you I was about to get married?

No. I wanted to write to you anyway. Have done since I saw you in Stortfold. I just didn’t know what to say. But then I figured once you were married – especially if you were getting married so quickly – it was going to be impossible for me to say anything afterwards. Maybe that’s old-fashioned of me.

Look, I basically just wanted you to know I was sorry, Lou. That’s it. I’m sorry if this is inappropriate.

It took a while before I wrote again.

Okay. Well, thanks for letting me know.

I shut the lid and leant back against the front door and closed my eyes for a long time.

I decided not to think about it. I was quite good at not thinking about things. I did my household errands, and I took Dean Martin on his walks and I travelled to the East Village on the subway in the stifling heat and discussed square footage and partitions and leases and insurances with the girls. I did not think about Sam.

I did not think about him when I walked the dog past the vomitous ever-present garbage trucks, or dodged the honking UPS vans, or twisted my ankles on the cobbles of SoHo, or lugged holdalls of clothing through the turnstiles of the subway. I recited Margot’s words and I did the thing I loved, which had now grown from a tiny germ of an idea into a huge oxygenated bubble, which inflated from the inside of me, steadily pushing out everything else.

I did not think about Sam.

His next letter arrived three days later. I recognized the handwriting this time, scrawled across an envelope that Ashok had pushed under my door.

So I thought about our email exchange and I just wanted to talk to you about a couple more things. (You didn’t say I couldn’t so I hope you’re not going to rip this up.)

Lou, I never knew you even wanted to get married. I feel stupid for not asking you about that now. And I didn’t realize you were the kind of girl who secretly wanted big romantic gestures. But Lily has told me so much about what Josh does for you – the weekly roses, the fancy dinners and stuff – and I’m sitting here thinking … Was I really so static? How did I just sit there and expect that everything was going to be okay if I didn’t even try?

Lou, did I get this so wrong? I just need to know if the whole time we were together you were waiting for me to make some grand gesture, if I misread you. If I did, I’m sorry, again.

It’s kind of odd to have to think about yourself so much, especially if you’re a bloke not massively prone to introspection. I like doing stuff, not thinking about it. But I guess I need to learn a lesson here and I’m asking you if you’d be kind enough to tell me.

I took one of Margot’s faded notelets with the address at the top. I crossed out her name. And I wrote:

Sam, I never wanted anything grand from you. Nothing.

Louisa

I ran down the stairs, handed it to Ashok for posting and ran away again just as quickly, pretending I couldn’t hear him asking if everything was okay.

The next letter arrived within days. Each was Express Delivery. It had to be costing him an absolute fortune.

You did, though. You wanted me to write. And I didn’t do it. I was always too tired or, I’m being honest, I felt self-conscious. It didn’t feel like I was talking to you, just chuntering away on paper. It felt fake.

And then the more I didn’t do it, and the more you started adapting to your life there and changing, I felt like – well, what the hell do I have to tell her anyway? She’s going to these fancy balls and country clubs and riding around in limousines and having the time of her life, and I’m riding around in an ambulance in east London, picking up drunks and lonely pensioners who have fallen out of bed.

Okay, I’m going to tell you something else now, Lou. And if you never want to hear from me again I will understand but now we’re talking again I have to say it: I’m not glad for you. I don’t think you should marry him. I know he’s smart and handsome and rich and hires string quartets for when you’re eating dinner on his roof terrace and stuff, but there’s something there I don’t trust. I don’t think he’s right for you.

Ah, crap. It’s not even just about you. It’s driving me nuts. I hate thinking of you with him. Even the thought of him with his arm around you makes me want to punch things. I don’t sleep properly any more because I’ve turned into this stupid jealous guy who has to train his mind to think about other stuff. And you know me – I sleep anywhere.

You are probably reading this now and thinking, Good, you dickhead, serves you right. And you’d be entitled.

Just don’t rush into anything, okay? Make sure he really is all the things you deserve. Or, you know, don’t marry him at all.

Sam

x

I didn’t respond for a few days that time. I carried the letter around with me and I looked at it in the quiet moments at the Vintage Clothes Emporium and when I stopped for coffee in the dog-friendly diner near Columbus Circle. I reread it when I was getting into my sagging bed at night and thought about it when I was soaking in Margot’s little salmon-coloured bathtub.

And then, finally, I wrote back:

Dear Sam,

I’m not with Josh any more. To use your phrase, we turned out to be very different people.

Lou

PS For what it’s worth, the thought of a violinist hovering over me while I’m trying to eat makes my toes curl.