بخش اول

This is audible audible originals presents Take Control of Your Life How to Silence Fear and When the Mental Game created and narrated by Mel Robbins. That’s me. Hey, I’m Mel Robbins, and I’m really excited that I get to spend the next couple hours with you. And I’m excited for you because what you’re gonna learn in this book. It’s going to change your life for the better. Now, obviously, the title of the book is Take Control of Your Life.

So that immediately tells me something about you. It tells me that you want more, that you’re seeking not only inspiration and motivation for me and from this book, but there you’re looking for the how how do you take control of your life, particularly when we live in a moment of time where life feels so overwhelming.

If you’re feeling stressed about your health or finances or your personal safety or the relationships that you’re in or politics, you’re not alone. Anxiety has risen in all areas of life, according to a recent poll from the American Psychiatric Association. A majority of college students recently reported that they felt so overwhelmed that they couldn’t function. And baby boomers, which are people who are in their 60s and up, they’re experiencing the biggest jump in anxiety. If you type the word fear into a Google search, you’re going to come up with over 700 billion results.

And of the 20 million people I interact with every month online. I can’t help but notice a spike in how many people are using the words fear, anxiety, overwhelm to describe how you’re feeling. And that’s why it’s essential that you learn how to silence fear. If you want to take control of your life and that process all starts with the mental game. Now, this isn’t a book about thinking positive thoughts, because that’s not going to help you take control of your life.

This is a book that’s going to teach you how to win the mental game by silencing fear. There are areas of your life right now where fear is winning and you don’t even realize it. And that’s going to end right now. I’m going to teach you a method that you can use to silence, fear and take control of your life in small ways every single day. You know, it’s easy to talk about change, to make plans to change.

But the thing that you have to change before you can make anything happen is you’ve got to change how you think. And one of the reasons why I said that this isn’t just about positive thinking is because that’s not enough. It’s not enough because all day long, small things are happening in your life that trigger you to feel a moment of fear.

It happened so fast, you probably don’t even realize how often it’s happening.

And in these daily moments when you feel nervous or you feel afraid. You’ve trained yourself to do something. Every time you feel nervous or afraid, you do the exact same thing. And you’ve done it so often, it’s automatic and now it’s a habit.

This book is going to teach you how to spot those tiny moments when your nerves or when fear silences you or makes your run. And you’re going to learn a simple method that you can use to take control when it’s happening. It’s so important that you learn how to silence fear because it’s the only thing that’s stopping you from achieving your dreams and being the person you want to be. And right now, you may be winning in many areas of your life, and I’m sure you are, but you are losing the mental game.

That’s why you can drink all the kale smoothies and mainline self-help books and create the best morning routines and journal in your gratitude journal, but still feel stuck. You still feel stuck because you’re stuck in a pattern in your head that’s triggered by fear. And until you see this pattern and change it, nothing’s gonna change. See, that’s the secret to winning the mental game and being happier and more fulfilled, it lies in understanding how nerves and fear is currently triggering you to think and changing your response to it.

If you can change your response to situations that make you nervous or scare you, then you will change how you think you will win the mental game and you will take control of your life. Because the only thing that’s making your life feel out of control right now is that fear is triggering you. That’s it. And look, let’s be clear, there are very real forces that can make your life difficult. There’s bias, there are pay gaps and there is systemic racism and homophobia.

You may have faced trauma, tragedy or abuse in your past. These are raw and they are real and they present obstacles to achieving your goals. And there are always going to be outside forces that impact what’s happened to you and what is currently happening around you. There will be outside forces like Bias that impact other people’s initial opinion of you. Now you can do what you can to change those outside forces and you should, but you’re gonna be in a much better place to do that when you change and empower your personal mental game.

Because the immediate obstacle that you face, the one that’s in your full control, the one that you’ve got to focus on first, is how you respond to fear. So before we jump in, I want to take a step back and explain how this whole project about fear and taking control of your life came to be. I was really curious about this uptick in anxiety that I keep seeing and research and I see it in the news and I hear it in the book lines after I give speeches.

And I mentioned this earlier, but we see it in the e-mails that you’re sending us. So I wanted to write a book that would pull back the cover on fear, and it would really turn this big kind of scary concept of fear into something small and tangible and easy to understand and more importantly, simple to attack, because the word fear itself is so big that when you hear it or say it, it makes you start thinking in these big, overwhelming ways.

And when you start thinking in big, overwhelming ways about the things that you’re afraid of, it’s really hard to slow down and make small changes. Now, what you may not be aware of is that you’ve allowed fear to teach you to think in ways that keep you stuck and that undermines your courage. So to get started, I want you to think about an area of your life that you want to change. Obviously, when you select Take Control of Your Life is the book that you want to listen to.

There’s an area of your life that you want to take control of. So I want you to think about that for a minute. And now let’s start with this key question. When you think about that area of your life, what’s your biggest fear? Just allow yourself to think about it for a moment. What is the thing that you fear when you think about taking control of that area of your life? Because this is the same question that I asked when I started doing research for this book.

In order to teach you how to silence fear. I wanted to first understand what you’re afraid of. So I went and I asked the question on social media, what is your biggest fear? And more than 3000 of you answered. And here’s what you had to say. My biggest fear is that something bad will happen and screw my life. My biggest fear is probably putting myself out there. My biggest fear is I will never again have a relationship with my mother.

My biggest fear is really being like my dad and becoming like him. And I don’t want that.

My biggest fear is that I’m not going to find my passion and live a fulfilling life. Now, as you listen to that montage of people from around the world sharing what their biggest fear is. Did you hear the one that you have? Dying without fulfilling your purpose. Being afraid of confrontation. Being afraid that you’re gonna stay stuck in a job or relationship. And one of the interesting things about hearing from 3000 people is that there were some very consistent themes that emerged.

So we decided to dig even deeper because once we heard what you were afraid of. We wanted to know how is fear holding you back? So we got on the phone and started talking to people that responded in order to figure it out. And as we were talking to you, I started to notice a very big difference between what you are afraid of vs. what fear causes you to do. See, it’s critical to identify what exactly fear causes you to do, because the way that fear silences you or makes you run may be different than the way that fear silences me.

And that’s one of the key insights that you’re going to gain from listening to this book. There is a pattern there and you got to see it if you want to take control of your life. In my research, I discovered that fear silences everyone in small ways. All day long, and everyone has a very different way to describe how exactly fear silences them.

Just take a listen. This fear makes me really anxious and stressed about finances.

My fear is holding me back because I want to create a business and I’m realizing how much I’ve avoiding. I’m realizing how small I’ve made my world.

It’s holding me back because I struggle every holiday, every Christmas, every Mother’s Day.

It’s preventing me from achieving the firefight I want in my family life.

And I think this fear is holding me back because, you know, I feel like I’ve tried so many different things and I’m just not getting over the hump to being successful like I want to be. So as I was doing this research, it just became so fascinating to me how fear is woven into our day to day lives in the subtle ways in which it is triggering you to hold yourself back, to silence yourself, to overthink, to run away from things.

And after having all of these conversations and digging into the latest research on fear and human behavior, I discovered something game changing about the nature of fear itself. Even though we all have different ways in which we silence ourselves. And even though we all describe our fears differently, it all comes down to just one thing. Control. The connection between fear and control is on mistake bable. You feel nervous or afraid at any moment when you sense you’re about to lose control.

That’s it. Thinking about losing control makes you nervous or afraid, moments where you could lose control. Makes you nervous or afraid. That’s it. That’s the reason that we called this book Take Control of Your Life, because it all comes down to control and our innate desire to have it in our lives.

When you have a sense of control of your life, you feel safe, you feel secure, you know where you’re going and you know what you can expect. Studies actually show that you’re in better health and that you’re at a reduced risk for a heart attack when you have that sense of control. Psychologists write about a concept called the locus of control, and they describe how people can feel like the locus of control is internal or external. And if you have an internal locus of control, you believe that you have control over your outcomes and over your own success.

And when you believe that you have that control, you’re more likely to succeed.

You’re more likely to be happier. We love being in control. And in order to take control of your life, you’re gonna need to start by looking at your fears and how you respond to them. Because there is a connection between your desire for control and how fear triggers you. And that’s where the irony comes in, because it’s your desire to keep control. That is actually screwing things up. You see, you taught yourself to be silent or to run away from situations or people that scare you.

We all did. And every single day in your life right now, there are situations or people that make you feel nervous or afraid. Maybe it’s your boss. Maybe it’s your parents. Maybe it’s a teacher. Maybe it’s a friend. Maybe it’s a colleague. Maybe it’s somebody you’re dating. Which means every single day you’re still silencing yourself and running away from things that make you nervous or afraid. And if you continue to stay silent or run away from them, you will never take control of your life.

Now, as I said before, you can make your kale smoothies and wake up early and look at your vision boards and do all the things that you, quote, should do to help you get control of your life. But when push comes to shove, they’re always gonna be moments every day that trigger you to feel nervous or afraid. That’s what this book is about. It’s about those moments when you feel nervous or afraid because you got to win the mental game in those moments.

And it doesn’t matter in that moment how much kale is in your system when you feel nervous or afraid. The only thing that’s going to matter is how much courage is in your veins. And now when you feel nervous, uncertain or afraid, you know what you do. You stay silent or you run and running or being silent may make you feel like you’re in control. But you aren’t. Wherever you are silent in your life and wherever you’re running away from someone or something.

Fear is winning. You’re going to learn that you started doing this pattern of being silent or running as a kid in order to survive scary or nerve wracking situations or environments. There’s no doubt there were moments that happened to you when you were a kid that scared you, that made you nervous, that made you doubt yourself. That made you feel called out.

Some of them maybe were traumatic and some of them might have just been moments where they were kind of everyday things.

But you felt a loss of control. You felt singled out. You couldn’t control your mother’s reactions to the things you did. You couldn’t control the tension in the household you grew up in. You couldn’t control the mood. Dad was going to be in when he walked in the door. He couldn’t control whether or not you got cut from the team. He couldn’t control whether or not your parents got divorced. And moments where you lose control, they’re scary.

So you developed ways to cope. That’s what happened. But in order to get control of your life, now that you’re an adult, you’re going to have to figure out what is the thing that I do every time I feel afraid.

Maybe you learned to shut up so you wouldn’t get yelled at at home. Maybe you became the class clown so people wouldn’t notice that you were different. Maybe you tried to be perfect so that your parents wouldn’t get upset. Maybe you learn not to raise your hand in class so you wouldn’t be embarrassed. And this pattern, I guarantee you, it still exists in your life today. Every time you feel nervous or afraid, you do the exact same thing you used to do as a kid.

And it’s become so automatic that it’s now a habit. But the problem is, if you shut up every day of your 10 year marriage, your relationship is going to be miserable or you’re going to cause it to end if you hide from your boss. You’ll never reach your potential at work if you protect yourself from failure by never trying. You can’t achieve your dreams. That’s the irony. When you were little, you develop these strategies as a way to feel in control anytime there was a situation that made you nervous or afraid.

And now these same strategies are spinning your adult life out of control. If you’re a perfectionist, if you’re somebody who’s super busy all the time but can’t get anything done, if you’re paralyzed by the fear of failing or if you jump from one dysfunctional marriage to another. Or if you have a problem with stuff, you hold on to it. You’re obsessed with accumulating things or if you’ve gotten addicted to drama and it’s always been in your life.

Well, that tells me that you’ve got a habit that you keep coming back to.

There’s a pattern there that you don’t see. And by the time you’re done listening to this book, boy, oh, boy, you’re not only going to see it, you’re going to have broken it and you’re going have replaced it with something powerful. That pattern you’re going gonna learn is related to how you deal with moments where you feel yourself losing control and that pattern. It’s wreaking havoc on your happiness, on your life and on your success. But there’s good news.

Lots of good news. First of all, you’re listening to this book and I’m going to teach you something really awesome. Once you see this pattern, you have the power to change it. And if you change your response to the things that make you nervous or afraid, he get control of your life, period. I want to share an example of how this is played out in my life to start to get you thinking about your own patterns for a long time.

Whenever I felt nervous or afraid I would run, I would do crazy things and freak out in order to give myself this sense of false control. And I can trace it all the way back to this incident that happened when I was in fourth grade. So I grew up in western Michigan and we moved to this small town, North Muskegon, Michigan, when I was in the fourth grade, and there’s a ton that you do in the water because there are lakes everywhere.

And this was the first time that I’d ever truly been around water. I had how to swim, but I was not a swimmer. You know what I mean? So this tiny little town that I moved to had a beach and it was called Bear Lake Beach, and they had swimming lessons. And my parents forced me to take the swimming lessons the summer that we moved there. They thought that not only was it a smart safety thing, given that we were surrounded by lakes, but they also thought that I might meet a bunch of kids.

So the combination of the swimming lessons at the end of the summer was that you had to pass what they called the red dock test. That meant you had to swim out around a floating red dock. And I remember as that swim test date approached, my feelings of nerves and uncertainty started to grow.

Obviously, I could swim around the dock, but it didn’t matter. The test made me feel like I was going to be put in a situation where I was going to lose control. That made me nervous as the day approached. I felt more and more afraid. And I became more and more uncertain. I got to that morning and I’ll never forget it. I was standing on the shore and my little one piece suit and I started convincing myself, I’m not going to make it.

I’m not going to make it. I’m not going to make it. By the time I got into the water with the rest of the kids. I’d started crying and we were waiting out. The other kids started to swim. And I was walking because I was going to walk as far as I could. And I got to about chest deep. And mind you, I could stand, but I started flailing around as if I was going to drowned.

And then something amazing happened. As I was panicking, trying to run away from the thing that scared me, which was swimming, trying to swim around that dock, the lifeguards came in. They rescued me. They calmed me down. They told me I could do it. They coached me. They swam by my side. They kept me going forward around the dock until I made it. They were within arm’s reach. My panic gave me control.

And in that moment, as a fourth grader, I began a pattern that would stick with me for decades. I learned that in order to get control of a situation that makes you nervous or scares you, just panic. Just have a fit. Just start crying, just run away from the thing that you need to do in such a dramatic fashion that people come rushing in and assure you and the other people help you get control. And my whole life, I can define almost every moment based on whether or not I felt like I was in control of the situation.

When I felt out of control, I would panic and I would freak out. And my parents would reassure me or my boyfriend would reassure me or I would scramble. And in my panic, I would run away from the thing I didn’t want to deal with and I would stumble into the next thing. For example, after college, I enrolled at Vermont Law School, and when I got there, that nervous feeling in my body started to happen. I felt uncomfortable.

I started panicking and I convinced myself in about an hour flat a being on campus, that I had made the wrong decision. So on the first day of classes, instead of going to class, I had a panic attack. I ran. I actually withdrew. And I packed up a U-Haul and I drove to Boston. Runaway. Runaway, runaway. Panic, panic. Panic.

That was a pattern that defined me for a very long time. Over and over again. And now, of course, I have an 18 year old daughter who does the exact same things. I’m seeing it in my face and having to coach her through breaking the pattern. And the interesting thing about patterns is that we use them because they work.

My daughter panics because when she panics, I come rushing in to fix things. I used panic and running away for a long time because it worked. Until it didn’t. I finally got to a point where I’d been running for so long that I was stuck in that pattern. It wasn’t until I realized that I always reacted to nerves and fear with panic that I was able to change the pattern. I was able to interrupt this fake sense of control and actually take real control in my life.

And in this book, that’s what I’m going to teach you. Right now, there’s an area of your life that’s not working for you. Just like running and panicking wasn’t working for me. And in any area of your life that’s not working where you’re unsatisfied. Fear is winning. And you can either let the uncertainty and the fear around the thing that you’re facing trigger your old patterns, or you can learn how to take control of your life and how to move forward in a way that actually gets you what you want.

So how do you move forward? There’s a simple three step method you’re going to master that will give you control and help you change the area of your life where your struggling. First, you must identify what you’re scared of. Second, you’ve got to see the unique way in which you silence yourself, Arun, whenever you feel nervous or afraid, because every time you feel nervous or afraid, you do the exact same thing just like I did. And it’s become so automatic that it’s now a pattern, just like I had a pattern.

And that’s good news, because once you see this pattern, you will be able to change it. And if you change your response to fear, you will get control of your life. Real control. In order to teach you this method, I’m going to utilize the most powerful tool that human beings learn from. And that’s the power of stories. You’re going to listen to the stories of six people who want to take control of an aspect of their life.

And as you listen, you’re going to hear them describe these moments that arise every single day in life that make you feel nervous or afraid. You’re going to hear them discover the way that fear triggers them to silence themselves or run. You’re going to learn how fear is felt in the body before you even think about fear in your mind.

You’re going to master the ability to read the fear signals in your own body, and you’re going to learn how to silence it before it triggers you to run or hide. And in listening to the insights and breakthroughs that all six men and women have, you will be empowered and inspired to make changes happen in your own life. You see each of these six people, they’re struggling with a fear of losing control in very different ways. But every single one of their issues comes back to the same thing.

And it’s the same thing that you struggle with. It’s the same thing that I struggle with. Every time you feel nervous or afraid, you have a pattern. And that pattern may have served a purpose in the past, but now it’s keeping you stuck. That’s it. And the solution, it’s the same three step method for each and every one of us. Once you see this pattern, you then will have the power to change it. And if you change your response to fear, you’re going to get control of your life.

Now, before you meet these six amazing people and we jump into all the really remarkable tools that you’re going to learn and use in your life, I want to say a few important things.

The first thing is that this is not an audio book that you should be listening to while you’re driving the morning school carpool or the afternoon one, for that matter, because you’re going to be listening to adults talking about adult issues. You’re going to hear profound insights from real people, which is why they’ll be a few swearwords. It’s not very profane at all. There’s not too many, but enough that you wouldn’t want your young kids listening in. And on top of the language, there are also a number of adult themes in this book, including mentions of physical and emotional abuse.

And in those cases, I will absolutely provide you with a trigger warning. But I don’t want you to be caught flat footed with kids in the car as you’re listening to subject matter that they probably shouldn’t be listening to. I also want you to know that we’ve got something super cool for you as a companion to this audiobook. I’ve created an exclusive workbook that’s totally free just for you. And the workbook is designed to help you get the most out of this audio book experience and to guide you through creating deeper breakthroughs and changes in your own life.

So how do you download it? It’s super simple. Just go to my Website. Mel Robbins.com . And you’re gonna go to the specific you are out. MelRobbins.com/take control. That’s MelRobbins.com/take control. Now, this companion guide is set up so that you can either follow along with each chapter in the workbook as you listen or you can binge listen to the entire audio book and then go and dive into the workbook.

It’s summarizes every coaching session. It has exercises that go beyond what I talk about in this recording. And it’s all designed to help you take everything that you’re learning from this audiobook experience and take control of your life in an even more profound way. First, Yomi Dan. Now Dan feels out of control because he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life next. He has no idea what the next chapter should be when he retires from teaching.

He’s scared he’s not going to, quote, figure it all out. So he’s so busy spinning his wheels and staying constantly busy. But he’s stock. And here’s what his biggest fear is.

I’m here to talk about my biggest fear, my biggest fears, regret, regret in regards to not being able to fulfill the things that I want to fulfill in life.

I would hate to go on 30 or 40 years and look back when I’m 60 or 70 instead and try this. I didn’t do this. I wish I did my feet into this. Next, you’re going to meet Heather. Now, Heather is very successful in her career, but she’s so paralyzed by the fear of failure that she doesn’t even try to work on her dreams. Let’s hear from her. My biggest fear is waking up one day and realizing that I wasted my life not doing the things that I really wanted to do.

It’s impacting my life and that I kind of do things half ass. I only do things that I feel like I can succeed at. And as a result, I feel like I’m not living up to my potential and I feel like I’m only half living. Then we’ll move on to Rosa, whose life has become so overwhelming that she is controlling the only things that she can, and that’s the physical stuff in her house.

Here’s what she told me.

My biggest fear is that what I see around me is actually who I really am. And it’s actually driving me crazy. I’m struggling with I’m going to call it declaring my physical environment at home. Which I think is a reflection of an internal issue that I haven’t been able to break through. Then you’re going to be Casey. Now, Casey is a very successful real estate agent, but he’s terrified of being judged and called out for his past.

This is what Casey had to say. My biggest fear is surrounded by success, so growing up my whole life. People don’t expect much from me. They didn’t think I would succeed at a high level. I’ve been able to do a lot of things that people didn’t expect from me. So one of my biggest fears is keeping that momentum and not allowing people’s thoughts and expectations of me to come true. Amy, up next now. Amy is so afraid of any kind of conflict or confrontation.

She stays silent, which is holding her back in major ways. Here’s what she had to say. My greatest fear is never really realizing who I truly am.

I feel like I’ve been a chameleon most of my life. I mold into my environment to the people that I’m around, the atmosphere that I’m around. I take that all in.

And as I get older, I’m losing time to be able to realize who I am, what’s truly my thoughts, my own feelings, my beliefs. And finally, you’ll meet Cassandra. She fears being abandoned, which means she pushes people away from her, including her fiancee.

My biggest fear is that I don’t know how to have a functional, committed relationship with a man. And so I just keep kicking him out of my lives.

And now I’ve got a really great one that I would really love to hold on to. And I find myself redoing the whole pattern, like I can see it happening now.

Now, before I dive in, I have instructions on how I want you to listen. I want you to be thinking about your own life. I want you to listen to these six coaching sessions and the detailed takeaways that I unpack very deliberately. Here’s how you’re going to do that. First, pick an area of your life where you feel stuck or unsatisfied. And use this audio book and the companion workbook to teach you and inspire you to take control.

All right. Let’s get started. Let’s start with one of the biggest fears you may have. It’s about your life and whether or not you figure out what to do with it. To start, let’s do a little exercise together. Imagine you’re near the end of your life. You’re no longer working. Your family is grown and moved out of the house. Your body slowing down. You’re sitting on a porch and you’re staring off into the distance. Maybe you’re looking at some mountains or an ocean or a lake and you’re reflecting back on your life.

What do you say? Did you make an impact? Did you pursue your dreams? Did you experience the magic of love? Did you live a life that mattered to you? I mean, that’s ultimately the question we all struggled to answer, right? Is there more to my life than what I’m doing in this moment? And if so, what is it? I’m asking you to think about this because feeling off track or stuck or being worried that you don’t know what your passion is or what you should do with your life.

It’s one of the most universal feelings in the world. And another reason why I want you to think about this is because regret is what you feel when you don’t get control of your life and start doing things that matter to you. And I’m not going to allow you to do that. I’m not going to allow you to live with regret. I’m not going to allow you to stay stuck because there’s good news.

There are simple things you can do starting today to figure out what to do with your life. So if you feel lost, when you think about your current life and the direction you’re headed in and it’s starting to make you feel nervous or anxious, first of all, you’re not alone. Second, this session is going to help you figure it out. It’s going to highlight the mistake that you’re making right now. And most importantly, it’s going to give you simple tools that you can start using today to figure out how to get off the track you’re on.

Make small, passionate pivots and start taking your life in the direction of your dreams. Because when you say to me, you know, now I don’t know what my passion is, what you’re really saying is I don’t know what to do with my life. And that scares me. It’s easy to talk about passion and purpose because it sounds nice. But what you’re really struggling with is fear. The fear that you’ll never get control of your life and do something with it that makes you really proud.

Now, I know I’ve felt that way at times in my life. I can remember when Chris and I moved to Boston so he could go to business school and I went from being a criminal defense attorney in New York City, trying cases in court all day to moving here to Boston and sitting on a couch for six months while I looked for a job. And then finally, I ended up working in a large law firm, sitting in an office, doing a ton of writing.

I hated my job. I hated every aspect of my day. I hated the commute. I hated sitting in an office. I hated what my job entailed, which was research and case law and writing briefs all day. I felt so lost. It was like I was trapped in my own life and my life was slowly spinning off course and I felt like I was losing control. Which is weird to say, because it’s not like I was physically out of control.

I mean, I had a work day routine. I had a paycheck. I had a track that I was on. But it was the wrong track. How did I know it was wrong? It was wrong because I knew if I stayed in that job, I knew what my life would look like 10, 15, even 20 years down the road. And I didn’t like what I saw. I wasn’t inspired by what I saw. I didn’t want the daily commute, the amount of writing and what it felt like to me was a very tedious grind all day long.

You know, every moment I sat in that office, I felt one wanted two things, either felt dread or I was on edge. And the reason I felt those things is because my life was heading in the wrong direction and my body was trying to tell me. That’s why we’re going to talk about following the fear and the signals in your body. Now, I didn’t know how to change it. And maybe that’s what made me afraid. Have you ever driven down the highway and you sort of zoned out and you miss an exit and then all of a sudden you look up and you don’t know if you’re five or 10 or 20 miles down the road in the wrong direction?

That’s what I felt like every single day that I was driving further and further and further away from the exit that I was supposed to catch.

Now, you may feel this way about the relationship that you’re in right now or the career track that you’re on, having control over the direction of your life. It is so important.

It’s important because it helps you be happy as an individual. It helps you be more confident. It helps you with every aspect of your life. Now, I knew I wanted a different future, just like maybe, you know, you want a different future. I wanted to be doing something very different with my life. And I wanted my days to feel different.

I just had no idea what the heck to do. And the fact that I didn’t know the answer. That just made me scared. And it kept me spinning in place. Now, I can think of another time I felt that way. It was in my 20s, I was in a relationship and I felt really stuck.

I knew that I didn’t want to marry this guy. I knew that it was the wrong relationship for me. But for whatever reason, I was so scared to speak up, to break up. And so what did I do? Because I was afraid. I just kept thinking. I just kept thinking. I just kept thinking about breaking up. And I never spoke up about it. Nick got more and more toxic until finally it just blew up.

And I can think of another time where I felt like my life was off track. I was in college and during the summers I would come home to western Michigan and work in my small town. And I just felt so confused about what to do with my life. I felt so far away from the things that interested me. I wanted to grow. I wanted to do something meaningful with my life. But I just had no clue what that could be.

And, you know, sometimes the world just feels so big and you feel so small. Come to think of it, we have a 19 year old daughter right now who’s a sophomore in college, and I can see her fear about the future kicking in. I was talking to her the other day and she’s panicked about what major topic and you know, why she’s panicked because she doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life. And in order to quiet that bigger fear, she’s trying to take control in the moment.

I totally get it. I know the thinking. If you just pick the right major, if you just get the right job, if you just find the right person, then you’re going to gain control. But it’s a hard lesson. It’s easy to tell my 19 year old daughter there’s no right. Major, honey, I’m sorry. Please don’t be a lawyer because I was one. That’s not going to make you happy. There’s nothing you can pick that’s going to give you control.

The best thing that you can do is study a subject that you’re interested in. Not the one that gives you a false sense of control, because it’s what you think you should do, because all your friends are going into banking or all your friends are studying marketing.

You’ve got to pick the one that makes you light up because you enjoy the subject. We’re going to talk a lot about how we get focused on trying to do the right thing because it gives us a false sense of control and whether or not you’re struggling to pick a major. Or you’re trying to figure out what your passion is or you’re in a relationship that’s off track or you’re in a career that’s off track, not knowing what you want to do with your life or not knowing how to get your life back on track.

It’s a terrible feeling. You feel overwhelmed, confused, and if you’re anything like me, utterly lost on how to figure it out. And you know, the other thing that happens is whether you like it or not, time is passing and it’s moving forward with or without you, and that triggers even more fear. And that’s what this first coaching session is about. It’s truly about how to get control of your life when you have no idea what you want to do with it.

And the good news is, like I already told you, there’s things you can do starting today to figure it out. And instead of getting caught up in an existential crisis about your passion and the meaning of life and regret and all these big themes you’re going to see by the end of this chapter that it’s fairly simple to take control of the direction of your life and start moving forward with small, passionate pivots. It’s doable. And you can start taking the steps today as soon as you finish listening to this chapter.

Now, this first coaching session is going to inspire you to think about living with passion and discovering the meaning of your life and a whole new way. And at the end, I’m going to spend a lot of time deliberately unpacking every single takeaway from this session. And boy, is it packed with a lot of stuff that you’re going to find valuable and interesting and game changing. So you’re going to leave with very specific steps that you can put in action to take control of the direction of your life.

And if you’re struggling with figuring out what your passion is or what you should do with your life, I’m even going to give you specific steps about how you can figure that out. And the other thing I want to remind you is if you haven’t already. Don’t forget to download the free workbook at Mel Robbins dot com slash take control so you can follow along with the breakthrough workbook exercises. The workbook is an important companion to this. And the reason why is because I know you may be listening to this as your commute.

And there’s a lot of takeaways that you may want to write down. So we’ve made it really easy for you.

They’re all included in recaps in the workbook, along with research exercises and even some additional tools that you can use in order to make the breakthroughs last longer and be more effective.

And the other reason why we’ve put it in a workbook is because, frankly, a lot of the advice is kind of boring to listen to. So I wanted to be sure that we keep your attention. I keep you entertained. I keep you inspired. And when you go back into your life and you start doing the actual work to change that, you’ve got something that you can refer back to that helps you make meaningful progress. Now, let’s jump into this coaching session.

I know you’re going to relate to the person you’re about to meet because he’s a great guy. He’s a super passionate physical education teacher. And on the outside, this guy has it all. He loves his job. He loves his wife. He loves his two kids. Yet there’s something missing. He can’t help but feel scared. And the reason why is he knows he wants more. Just like, you know, you want more from your life.

But he doesn’t know what it means. He doesn’t know what to do with his life when he’s done teaching. And that feeling is scary.

He’s busy. He feels like he’s busy spinning his wheels.

He feels like he doesn’t have control over his future and the impact he’ll make or the legacy that he’ll leave and ultimately what his life means. And that’s terrifying. My name is Dan. I’m from Jersey. I am married to my wife, Lindsay. I have two daughters. My oldest daughter is three years old and my youngest is 10 weeks old. I am a health and physical education teacher.

So why why are you here? I’m here to talk about my biggest fear, my biggest fears, regret, regret in regards to not being able to fulfill the things that I want to fulfill in life.

I would hate to go on 30 or 40 years and look back when I’m 60 or 70 and say, I didn’t try this, I didn’t do this.

I wish I did my feet into this.

I’m 36. OK. And when I was 26, I said, I don’t have time. I have time. I have time. Now I’m 36. And that gap from 26 to 36 isn’t that doesn’t seem like it was that far. I don’t want to be 66 or 76 saying I wish I did this. I wish I did that. I should have done this. Why didn’t I do that?

I’ve been teaching for 15 years. And I said, you know what? I like teaching. There’s still some more out there. There’s still stuff I want to do. I just don’t know how to do it. I don’t know where to start. And it’s scary. And I do a lot of things. Everything else.

Boom, boom, boom. All throughout the day, I’m doing things, doing things and accomplishing things, trying things. But this is just that portion is tough for me.

So when did this start?

I said last five years when I have, let’s say, 30. What happened? Something must happen that had you go, shit. I watch these people and I, I’m not judging, but I watch them and they’re they’re just floating or complaining or dealing. Coping and not doing. And I said, I’m tired of it. I don’t want to be that because you don’t know a year later you might not be around. I always have that thought in my head.

You got to do it now or else you don’t know when you last. Yes.

I think you’ve had this for five years. And you wake up every day and you go, you gotta do this now. You never know idea when your last day is and you’re not doing anything.

I guess I’m procrastinating. My ultimate goal. You’re stressed.

I’m always stressed. I mean, I think it’s just daily stresses. Yeah. Average stress. Nothing where it’s an anxiety disorder or anything like that.

It’s just that you’re always thinking, I was doing it. My mind was going. I feel like I’ve 10 conversations that I had going on at the same time. My wife laughs at me. I’ll start doing the dishes, I’ll start brushing my teeth, I’ll start writing a paper, I’ll start writing an email. I’ll start constructing something at all the same time, because these are where my thoughts are constantly.

Just say, you know what? This is Chris’s experience of me. It’s funny because all of it will get done in an hour, but I’m just boom, boom, gotta do this. I thought of this. I have it all under control and I feel like that’s how my life is. I want to complete an Iron Man. I have my thought there. I want to do a couple initiatives with teaching. I want to do X, Y and Z.

But then that second side passion project is very tough to embed myself with.

I did take a step forward this summer. I like wine. I want to do something. The wine world.

And I took some classes in New York. It was doable and there wasn’t a big commit. Did you feel doing it great?

Why?

Because I was learning it was new. The experience was new. There was a lot that I did not know. And every time that class came around, I couldn’t wait to go back. I couldn’t wait to go there, learn, taste, talk, ask questions. But now it’s kind of over. And I don’t know what what I think I just had it inside. I think a lot of people get into teaching because they love learning, and that’s what draws you to do it.

And making a difference. And the truth about teaching is that a lot of it becomes the same stuff over and over again. And so you’re not growing and learning when you’re doing it. And the thing about wine and what was interesting in watching you talk about that class, I get that you love wine, but I think what you’re really tapping into is that you’re frustrated because you don’t feel like you’re growing. You’re in a mode of life where you probably show up and give 100 percent.

But you’re not building towards anything. You’re not growing. You’re not learning something new. You’re in a stage of life with kids where it’s a lot of being in the trenches and getting the daily routine done. And one of the things that is interesting about you is that I think you’re the kind of person that thrives on growth and thrives on experiences that test you, that are different, that aren’t the same every day. Isn’t that how we’re wired? I think so.

Talk about your childhood, my childhood was good. They were always supportive. My parents, are they still together? They are not. When they get together. They got divorced about two years ago. Really? Two years ago? Yes.

How did that impact you as we grew older? You can see that it was just going through the motions and then enough was enough. They couldn’t tolerate it anymore. It was harder for them to tell us, you know, this is actually happening. And then me being the oldest, they come to me, Dan, tell to, you know, this is on the forefront. Kind of be the psychologist for you here. Your brother and sister here.

And you upset, though, a little bit. What upsets you about it? It’s OK. You think? That’s what it’s always supposed to be. It’s not easy. No, no. Yeah. Now they’re happier. We’re happier, I’m sure. I think when you go through something like that. You know, it all makes sense intellectually, but I think it impacted you at a much deeper level than you realize. There’s an urgency about you that is not rooted in the desire to do something bigger.

It’s in the fear that you’re not. And the fear that things are not going to always be this good. And so you’re super busy. And I can relate to your energy and your business. And, you know, like, doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.

And I just move fast enough. I’ll figure it out and I’ll I’ll get it all done. And, you know, God knows I want everyone to be happy because I don’t want to ever be in a situation again like I was with my parents.

And there’s a busyness that’s driven out of fear. Vs. a busyness that is driven based on your dreams and your commitment. And this assuredness. Does that make sense?

That makes complete sense. Yes. It’s interesting that you said I don’t have anxiety. Anxiety is a physical state where your body is agitated and your thoughts are agitated because you’re facing uncertainty. And it can be a clinical condition. It can be a generalized state where you’re on edge all day long.

But that’s not what you’re dealing with, Dan. You’re dealing with feeling out of control about your future, which makes you feel afraid in the moment. Right.

I think what it’s triggering you to do is to ruminate and think about the meaning of your life. And because you don’t have quote the answer yet, it puts you into a tailspin in your day to day life.

You write like I’m looking for the perfect answer. I’m looking for everything to be squared away, which will never happen. Right. But I’m waiting for it. Yeah. And I know that’s wrong now. And it’s it’s it’s hard to to just say, hey, mistakes are going to happen when you make this decision. Just deal with it, OK?

So what I really want you to get out of our conversation is I want you to get mastery over the shit that’s triggering you, because fixing this is easy. It really is. It’s so easy to listen to me coach you around what you should do with your life, because it’s just the obvious steps. Number one, I’ll tell you right now. Number one, we need to settle your fears that everything’s on the line and oh, my God, I can’t make a mistake.

And holy shit, you know, I, I, I got two kids now and I’ve got a wife and I got a mortgage and I got this and I got that and I got to be responsible. And Anello out of Iran, I saw I have my Paramaribo, I buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy.

You inflate the demands and responsibilities of your life to such a massive scale that it paralyzes you from taking any kind of meaningful steps forward. That’s the key.

Meaningful steps forward. I think I took a step forward doing the wine class. Exactly. And that is a meaningful step.

And number two, you need to make a plan to pursue your dream in a way that is financially responsible because you do have obligations and you do need to figure out what’s the minimum I can make every month in order to be responsible to my obligations.

And that’s math. That’s easy to do. And then once you have that number, you can ask yourself, is there any way to scale this number down in order to give myself a longer runway to try to go after my dreams?

Like, how does this all work? Right. That’s all math. And you’re capable of making that calculation. You’re capable of having those conversations with your wife.

That’s that’s right. OK.

Now, the third piece is the bigger piece, which is the fact that you’re in a state of constantly doubting and questioning.

But it’s that fear that you’re not going to figure it out. That fear that’s in that category that’s keeping you from being able to plan a pivot of some sort. See, I want you to think about your life like Lego blocks. OK? So right now, you’ve got a block for being a teacher. You’ve got a block for your wife, block for each daughter. You’ve got a block for your extended family. Now, I want you to think about what else you want to add on to that.

So a lot of us make the mistake of thinking, OK, it’s got to be one job. It’s got to be one career. It’s got to be a career from this into a career of that. And if you break it down a little bit and you think about this in smaller chunks, because what fear does is fear makes you think about the big themes. Oh, my God, my whole life. Is my life gonna amount to anything?

Well, you know, I have to fucking worry about that right now. Well, we have to worry about is this year in this year. What are you going to add to your life that gives meaning? What are you going to subtract from your life that gives it meaning? And it may start with a wine class, which you’ve already done. And that’s terrific, because with two small kids and a full time job and a bunch of other stuff going on, it’s hard to carve out that time for yourself.

But what happens when you do is you put a little nick in that fear that normally paralyzes you with the questioning and something expands inside you because you see yourself growing. You see yourself adding a small block. Does that make sense? That makes sense.

I’m looking at the end result. I’m looking at. I want to get here now. I want to do this now.

Fear is making you think too big. And that’s what it does for a lot of people. You’re thinking and such broad strokes about the totality of your life and it’s normal.

That’s my next question. Is that typical?

Yes, because we are going to die. You’re right. You’re absolutely right. You and I, we could get cancer. One of us could not be here next year. Anything could happen. It’s out of your control. Totally out of your control. That scares the shit out of you. I can tell I’m finding more and more that the control is a factor to becoming a dad. Intensify this. Yes, because I want to be around for a very long time to see that.

Absolutely. Absolutely. It was funny because just me, my wife, without kids, you’re gonna.

Still not thinking about that. And now you want to see your kids grow up, get married. It’s so normal to have that fear because when you become a parent, you become so present to your own mortality. And how long you’re going to be here is the one thing that is ultimately out of your control. You don’t get to choose if you get hit by a bus or not. You don’t get to choose whether or not you’re going to get, you know, some disease like a unless you don’t get to choose those things.

And so I think what your feeling has intensified since you have kids, because it reminds you of all the things that are coming.

I never thought of that. And it’s true. It’s so true. The kid factor, as great as it is, maybe it’s subconsciously with a couple other things like we’re unveiling here, are causing my rush to to do.

And there’s an intensity. And the thing that I think you’d benefit from is slowing down.

Help me slow down. Yeah. You get the leash. You help me slow down.

I’m up like, oh, my God, I’m up. I’m ready to go. I feel so accomplished by 7:00 a.m..

Get out of bed and rev up and do your day. But you’ve got to find ways to dial down the intensity and to be present because the intensity of wanting to wring out everything from life is driven by the fear that you’re not going to. And the irony is, and what I’m worried about for you is not what happens at 46 because 46, you’re still a frickin puppy for crying out loud. You still have decades to go. I could come in here and give you a long list of people who didn’t do their first until they were in their 50s for crying out loud.

And so you have so much time and it doesn’t feel like it because you’re racing through every single day and you’re on edge because of this fear that you’re not where you’re supposed to be. And the interesting thing is that the only place you’re supposed to be right now is in your fucking life every single day. And the only way that you’re going to pivot is if we start to think about how to add these small Lego blocks one at a time, but that you develop this ability to still be present, to be satisfied with where you’re at.

But intentionally pivoting towards something else, we can remove the intensity because it’s the intensity and the worrying and the agita about figuring it out. That is making you now present. It’s causing you distress in terms of thinking all the time and being wound up about it. And if we were to settle that energy and allow you to recognize when, oh, here comes that fear again that I’m 36 years old and what about forty six and. Oh my God.

Oh my God. And it’s not happening fast enough. And what if I don’t figure it out. And what if I’m fifty six and what if I’m sixty six. And what if I’m walking my daughter down the aisle and I’m still teaching pe. I’m gonna be pissed off at myself like is it, am I in your head right now. Yes. When you mentioned the triggers. Yeah. Where do I start? We start in your body because there’s so much research and for you because it’s more existential, like you didn’t have trauma that’s getting triggered.

Not that I know of. For a lot of people with fear. There was something acute that happened. Super abusive parent. Right. So that any time, you know, a dad came home from work and started getting plowed. If you hear the beer can open. It’s wired in your body. I don’t get that about you. I think what’s happened for you is you’re a guy who has a great life and you’re torturing yourself because you don’t think it’s enough.

That’s fair. That’s fair. And the real mastery for you is to figure out how to be satisfied. With where you’re at and in action and proud of the things you’re doing to pivot and to do new things too, it’s not an either or. See, that’s the other pressure that I think you’re putting on yourself. Either I’m doing P.E. or I’m doing this new thing that could blow up in my face and then I. What do I do?

Because I’ve lost the house and I like there’s that energy about you. And I used to have that energy. And it’s driven by fear. And so let’s start with what happens in your body. So there’s a difference between days where you’re happy, satisfied and present and days where you’re subconsciously driven by this fear that you’re not going to figure it out. So when I start my day off, right. And I get stuff that I feel like I have to do because I want to do it.

And I can get that done. I feel good.

I’m ready to go. I feel great. My lessons are better.

I’m interacting with kids better when I feel like I’m behind. I’m consumed with I feel bad that I didn’t get it done. How am I going to make it up later on in the day?

Whether it’s exercise, I feel like in your body. Where’s the stress?

It’s you know, people mention I’m not, you know. Whereas it’s right right here. So it’s in your chest and your heart.

It’s not heart attack type, but it’s just like butterfly. But not a good butterfly.

Yeah, well, you’re except like I was it was our first time as a kid. You remember feeling that. Well, I remember back in the day was being a good student, I always put pressure on myself to write the perfect paper, get 100 on the tests, get easy, easy, easy, easy.

So it was the test. That’s when you. I was wondering. Yeah. The testing.

When else do you do you experience that? Is it like all day long if you wake up and you’re behind the ball.

It’s not all day. Our bodies get triggered before our minds do. And for you, learning how to catch yourself when you start speeding everything up and teaching yourself how to saddle your body.