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honest with him.

Absolutely not. Like. It’s OK. It’s fine. Yeah. OK, cool. Yeah. If you can drink on Saturday is. And that’s our deal. No, I think that there has to be something where. He comes to you and says, hey, I think I’m going to have a drink. You know, you cool with it so that you have the option. To say no. Not that you’re going to right, but that you are given the feeling of control.

Because what’s scaring you is that when you heard that sound, it was a signal that meant shit’s about to go out of control. Yeah. Do you know that even when he’s opening like a monster or a soda or eat like the same noise, he does it to me, even though I know it’s not.

That’s why I know you have PTSD. Interesting. It’s just like a soldier coming back from being on a tour and allowed in a dump truck. Yeah, sound makes you. Yeah. Or a car backfiring.

A ha ha. Yeah, that’s textbook. Okay. And so I think you also need to contact the V.A. error. You need to go to your doc and you need to say, I need to go talk to somebody that can help me with PTSD because you need help unwinding these triggers. But the thing is, is that when you’re afraid of something, we talk about the big stuff. I want you to shrink this down to that moment. And the moment I’m talking about is the moment when the wine comes out of the bag or the moment when you hear that can a beer crack open?

And that moment is so wired into your body that it is profoundly triggering. Now, if I were the one who was deciding what to do for you moving forward, I would have a rule. I don’t think you should be with anyone who drinks, and I don’t think you should be drinking either.

OK. You know, I’ve thought about I’ve asked myself that question if Lee didn’t drink. It would be good for him. It would be good for me. That’s an easy choice for me. What do you choose? I would choose him. Absolutely. So there’s two conversations you have to have with him. OK. The first one is about the way in which drinking is triggering psychological trauma and the visceral stored fear that’s that comes up when you feel like things are about to get out of control.

And then how you become miss on top of it on his ass nit picking because you’re managing your fear. That’s one conversation. And then the second thing is actually loving him enough that you can have a conversation with him about your concern about how much he drinks for his sake. Do you see the difference between the two? Mm hmm. You need to be responsible for what’s happening in your body. He needs to be responsible for what’s happening in his.

Yeah. See, this is the thing about relationships is that relationships are not one way. They’re a two way conversation. And if you expect to grow old with this person, you’re going to have to learn how to grow up and have adult conversations. The issues that you have will kill your relationship and you both have issues. And ironically, you may have just picked the perfect person to help you resolve yours. But how you approach it and whether or not you come from a place of love and trust and vulnerability or whether you allow your fear to speak for you.

That’s going to determine everything. You’re actually in control.

Yeah, because now that I know that I have these issues that I’ve allowed to control my behavior and my actions not even allowed.

Like, I want you to really get something. You’re not responsible for this. You didn’t do this to yourself. You are a victim of trauma. Your father did this to you. And I’m sure there were a load of circumstances that led him to be the screwed up, abusive asshole that he was. That explains it. It doesn’t excuse it. But even though you weren’t responsible for this, right. You’re not to blame. You do have a responsibility for healing yourself.

And so when you understand that you’re not choosing to nit pick. You are a robot that was programmed. You don’t have control over this yet. I can expose the wiring, but you have to go to somebody that can help you in therapy, deprogram this. And you have to go back into your relationship and into your household. And you have to remove the triggers that turn you into a robot. And it would be very interesting if the two of you were to spend 30 days without booze in the house.

Yeah. And to just see what happens. So what are you going to do when you leave here?

I am going to call a therapist and make an appointment.

Great. That’s awesome. And I have a second wish for you. And that is in your 40s. My wish is that you are present. I want you to go to therapy because I want you to get control of these triggers so that you don’t have to live your life like a robot. And I’d like you to be really selfish and connected to what you need and to start making those requests.

So I. I think you have an enormous opportunity in front of you. I really do. I do want to say. Do you think this will. Help me have a better relationship with my sister also. Yeah. I think you’re really pissed at her. There’s a theme with her where maybe the two of you, and this is just a theory that maybe she was the one. Maybe she was the rock. Maybe because you were going through so much of it together, you know, maybe you needed her more than you realized, maybe.

And she left. And that was terrifying. And then she married a woman, and that was not what you expected, and for you, it felt like an abandonment. For her, it was her truth. And then she decided not to have kids. And that was another thing that felt like her getting further and further away.

And so just like you’re doing with Lee, it’s triggering something that makes you pick. The fastest way to bring somebody back that you’ve driven away is to apologize. And to tell him how much you miss him and love him, and then every time you’re tempted to nit pick because you learned how to do that, Dromm closer. And the way you drawn closer, it’s with sugar and honey and with kindness. There’s more bees, honey, I’m sure. Do we all want the same thing?

We just want somebody to pay attention. We want somebody to make us feel like we matter. We want somebody to notice. That’s it.

Yeah. OK, how do you feel? Good. Empowered, you look empowered. You present. Thank you. You’re welcome. I love you, too. So how are you feeling? I am feeling like I’m feeling empowered and feeling great. I’m feeling like I have a place where I can start to end in a specific goal to accomplish. That’s achievable, attainable. Oh, I just got a little choked up there here in the end of that.

That was amazing. Cassandra took absolutely everything we discuss to heart and she has made very deliberate changes. First, she has sought out professional help with the PTSD. And I can not wait to tell you about the update. But before I do, I first want to go through her takeaways in detail because there are seven of them and they’re packed with incredible information for you. The first takeaway. Drum roll, please. Big surprise. Come on. You’ve heard this five times.

Can you say it with me?

In order to get control of your life, you must first understand what you do when you feel afraid. You know this now there is a pattern around fear and you may not realize it. Every time you’re afraid, you do the exact same thing. And it’s become so automatic, just like you heard with Cassandra. It’s now a habit. I want to underscore, though, that it is a different ballgame when you are dealing with patterns that have been learned because of trauma.

And it’s super important to have compassion for yourself and seek help and support in getting those patterns changed when there are patterns that have been encoded because of traumatic situations from your past. Now, once you see these patterns, you then have the power to change them. And if you change your response to fear, you will get control of your life. And that is totally true for people who suffer from PTSD as well. So first, ask yourself, what am I afraid of?

For Cassandra, there are two things that she fears, one of which she knew and the other was hidden. The fear that she knew about was the fear of being abandoned. Like the moment her mother and her sister would leave the house. The other fear for her, the one she didn’t realize that she had, is the fear of getting into a situation where she was going to be physically abused.

In her case, it all got triggered by simply hearing a bottle open. Now, once you know what you’re afraid of. Ask yourself, what do I do when I feel afraid? As for Cassandra, what does she do when she’s afraid of being abandoned? Well, she’s always afraid of it. So she’s always mentally preparing for the people in her life to be gone, which means any relationship she’s in never has a chance. And what does she do when she hears the beer can open and is afraid things are going to spiral out of control?

Well, she starts picking on her fiancee and monitoring and trying to control how much he drinks so it won’t spin out of control and result in abuse. I want to play back a part of the coaching session for you, and I want you to listen to her describe how simply hearing the sound of a beer can opening triggers her automatic response. And become this robot. I’ll go in there and I’ll have this, like dialogue of questions like. So rough day it’s going on, you know, and.

Oh, you know, just rough day at work or whatever he has to say.

It could be nothing. It can be two o’clock in the afternoon.

And he wants to watch a motorcycle race or whatever. I just want to chill out and I’ll be like, you know, there’s no reason to be drinking at all, ever. Like, you should never be drinking. Like drinking is for when the kids are in bed and you’re watching a movie and you’re chilling out. And that’s my definition. Right. Can be different for him. But to me, in like in my opinion, if he has to de drink or if he wants to drink, whatever the differences.

That’s a problem. And so worse. So I’m like, why are you drinking? What is the problem? You can’t control yourself and just like snowballs from there. And, you know, eventually he will either excuse himself and go outside to avoid an argument or whatever. He’ll go have a cigarette or go work on the motorcycles or whatever.

But then I’ll follow him and I’ll be like, you know, like chasing him out the door. And I’ll be like, you know and know. And then I’ll find something else to be, you know, and then you’re walking away from me. What? You can’t have a conversation. You can’t, like, look me in the face and.

And he’s like, I don’t want to. He’s like, look at you. Why would I want to talk to you right now? When you listen to her describe that interaction, you can hear the pattern and you can hear how it just goes on autopilot. She called herself a robot and that’s exactly what it’s like. The thing that’s interesting, though, is until you understand why you have the pattern and how it’s getting triggered, you will never have the ability to change your reaction to it.

She knows that they need to talk. She knows that the nit picking isn’t working. But because she had never seen the pattern before and what was triggering it and the fear that it was connected to, she didn’t have the power to change it.

But now that she sees what she’s doing and most importantly, why she has the power to do something about it. And what do you know? Well, if you change your response to fear, if you substitute a different pattern, you’ll take control of your life. And most importantly, her relationship has a chance to change and become healthy and strong because she’s changing how she responds to fear.

That leads us into the second takeaway, and it’s something I want to call out that I hear often from people who are in abusive relationships or who have experienced trauma as a child. And it relates to how survivors of abuse make excuses for their abusers behavior and in doing so, developed a very warped definition of what love is and what it isn’t. Cassandra said something to me that really stood out during our coaching session, and I want to replay it for you and then talk to you about why it’s important to understand what the definition of love truly is.

Looking back, it’s like I mentioned how like my mom was like the nurture and the oak tree and everything, and she was like unconditional love one hundred percent of the time. And I know my dad loved us, but he just never showed it.

He was just never sober enough to, like, say, I love you, you know? But I find that as a child, I craved his love more and it craved his attention more because I felt like I had to be like, Dad, I’m right here.

Look at me, love me, you know? And I never got it.

And I think that that just embedded and I carried it all the way through my adulthood.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

You carried that all the way through your adulthood. And did you catch what she said specifically? I know my dad loved us, but he just never showed it. He was just never sober enough to, like, say, I love you.

Please, please stop justifying the behavior of people who abuse you. Stop calling it love. It is not love. I don’t want you to feel like you’re being made wrong. I am speaking with intensity because I want you to understand that abuse in any form is not love. They might have been doing the best that they could. I’m sure Cassandra’s dad, if he had a drinking problem or if he was abused as a kid, he’s got all kinds of issues and given his issues and his trauma.

But that’s love. You don’t hit people because you love them. You don’t shame people because you love them. You don’t hurt people because you love them. Her father did not love her.

His actions said that he didn’t because he couldn’t. Some people are not capable of giving love or being in love. And part of the problem with escaping the cycle of abuse is that victims often continue to call abusive relationships. An example of somebody who loved you but just couldn’t show you somebody who loved you but was just too drunk to tell you.

Stop doing that. The reason why you have to stop doing that is because love is the opposite of what your father did.

Love is getting control of your drinking. Love is controlling your anger. Love is treating people with respect, with dignity and with kindness. One of the reasons why it’s so important to have a very direct conversation like this is Cassandra was really frustrated because she kept dating guys that were abusive, not her current fiancee. But the reason why you keep dating the same kind of people is because you’ve convinced yourself that abuse is what love looks like. So you’re attracted to it.

It actually becomes your definition of love. And sure, your dad, he was doing the best he could given how damaged of a human being he was. And you can process it that way. He didn’t know any better. Maybe he was abused as a kid. He’s an alcoholic. He’s got unresolved issues that he’s now taking out on you. Mavity as a child, but that’s not love.

You can explain why somebody might abuse you, but please don’t ever describe it as somebody who loves you. They just didn’t show it. Bullshit. So if you’re in a situation like this, I want you to stop saying, I know my mother loved me. I know my father who beat me, loved me. I know my ex-husband, who was an abusive alcoholic, loved me.

Then and then, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is what you need to say. My mother was so broken. She was incapable of loving me. My abusive, alcoholic ex-husband was so broken. He was incapable of loving me. My father, who was physically abusive, was so broken. He is incapable of loving me. The reason why it’s so important is because you are drawing a line in the sand.

And on one side of it you are shoving the abuser and you’re acknowledging that they are incapable of giving you love. And by doing so, you protect the definition of what love looks like because it don’t look like that abuser. Let me tell you some. And if you don’t do this, if you equate love with somebody that treated you like shit or that abused you, you’re going to find yourself constantly trying to put your entire soul into relationships with people who are capable of loving you.

Because in your mind, you’ve got this idea that somehow a damaged person can love you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Your new mantra. They were so broken. They were incapable of loving that. You need a new definition. Don’t make the thing that you survived. Be the example of what love looks like. That’s not what love looks like.

And if you have that kind of warped definition, it’s no wonder you have a fear of rejection because it’s starting off with an incorrect definition of what it looks like to be loved and to feel safe and to be respected and to belong equally in a relationship.

And here’s one more thing. Yes, I’m being intense about this because I want you to listen. But it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. The abuse that happened to you, not your fault. The fact that you may have loved somebody who abused you, but they were incapable of showing you love. Not your fault, but it’s your responsibility to change your definition of love so that you can heal and you can take control of your life and you have a shot at getting into a healthy and successful relationship.

Look, you have a huge heart. I get it. You just wanted to be loved. But the reason why you keep picking the wrong person is because you need to update your definition of what love looks like before you’re gonna find it. Now, let’s get into the third takeaway from this session, and that is this, that PTSD happens as a result of trauma.

And, you know, most people think of PTSD and they think about military veterans. Even Cassandra, who’s a vet, thought of that.

She didn’t realize that you can have PTSD as a result of childhood trauma or as the result of a sexual assault or as the result of being married to somebody that batters you. You can have PTSD because you’re the child of an alcoholic. You can have PTSD because you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.

PTSD can occur in anyone who has experienced or witnessed trauma, be it as a result of war, natural disaster, a serious accident, a terrorist incident, sudden death of a loved one, a violent personal assault such as rape or any other kind of life-Threatening event.

And studies show that those who suffer sustained emotional and psychological abuse are also at serious risk for suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. So if you have trauma in your past and you suspect that you may have PTSD, it is critical if you even are concerned that it’s a possibility that you go get professional help.

We talked about this in Rose’s session, but let me repeat it. Your body and your brain and your nervous system. Remember trauma in a very different part of your brain. We talked about it with Rosa and because of this, it’s like a super memory. It makes the pattern much stronger to you, which means the trigger for it is very, very sensitive. I mean, think about the trigger in this case. It’s just the sound of a beer can opening and it rushes in.

All of that stored fear from all the trauma that Cassandra experienced. Now, I recommended that Cassandra go get MDR therapy done and I want to share with you something that she wrote to me about her experience in therapy because she did leave our coaching session and she went and did MDR therapy. Here’s what she said. She said, wow, that was exhausting.

Today, we just focused on one particular memory I have from my childhood when my dad was a particularly large asshole. I wasn’t just recalling the memory. It was recalling the emotion I felt as a child, how that emotion has morphed now that I’m an adult.

It was recalling the time of day who I was with my posture and location in the room, and I held that for 45 minutes.

And when I had had enough, I felt like a nap and a cocktail in that order. My therapist said it can be quite exhausting as she’s gone through it herself, but it can be life changing when it’s over. I’m so looking forward to experiencing this change. You know, it will be life changing. I’ve seen the magic of MDR in releasing trauma and people in my life and those I’ve worked with. And I encourage you, please take this seriously.

Find a therapist who specializes in it. If you suspect that you or somebody that you love is suffering from PTSD. Now, the fourth takeaway is that you’re not a people pleaser. If your safety depended on pleasing people, Cassandra said something to me that I want to play for you. She’s talking about her ex and she called herself a people pleaser.

I want to replay this exchange for you because it’s really important to distinguish the difference between being a chameleon trying to fit in versus being an abuse survivor and trying to survive. Well, we share a daughter, you know, and he he lives out of state now. And so the only time we talk, it’s a quick like, hey, I’ll meet you there at noon kind of thing. It’s not like we don’t have conversations, but, yeah, we had to.

You know, I was needing people to not like. I’m a people pleaser. And so, like, I get really upset and people are not happy with me.

Well, of course, as shit kicked out of you and they weren’t. So do you realize this is a survival mechanism? You’re not a people pleaser. Your life depended upon pleasing your father. Yeah. It’s a safety issue. For some people, people pleasing is like something you develop kind of as a personality trait for you, it’s a survival mechanism. It is hardwired. And it had to be. Super important distinction. I definitely have the people pleasing chameleon ly to fit in.

Thing going on. I’ve told you enough stories to make it true, right? That’s very different than being abused as a child, having PTSD and developing pleasing people as a mechanism to keep you safe. You have to identify which one you are. One is about being worried that you’re about to get judged. The other one is about keeping things calm so you don’t get the shit beaten out of you. You’re trying to control your safety by acting a certain way, because if you’re not asserting the control, then someone will hurt you.

You’re not a people pleaser. If you are a victim of abuse, you tried to make sure that you stayed safe by keeping the people around you calm and happy. Yes, it’s a pattern, but it’s one that is tied to being a survivor of abuse and PTSD and it needs to be dealt with in therapy.

It’s not something you can just start thinking positive thoughts around and asserting your needs like a true people pleaser needs to do.

If you have PTSD, you need to take this seriously and you need to get professional help. However, just to kind of round this out for those of you who don’t have PTSD, but like Amy, you’re a bit of a chameleon and a people pleaser, and it’s a pattern in your life. Remember, it’s just being triggered by fear and all you have to do is catch it. Notice when you’re about to go into the chameleon people pleasing mode.

Take a deep breath and do something different. Say what you really mean. Assert yourself or just start hanging out with people that actually bring out the best in you. Now, let’s move on to the fifth takeaway. It’s about emotional landmines and the need to remove them.

Emotional landmines are a field of things that are between you and the person you’re in a relationship with that can explode. And wherever there are emotional landmines, you have got to be responsible and cognizant of the ones that you have put in between you and the person that you are with.

And Cassandra’s case, alcohol is a ticking time bomb of an emotional landmine. And she didn’t even realize it was a problem. And the reason why she didn’t realize it was a problem is because of the connection between her father opening a can of beer and the fear that she felt when she was little. And what had triggered inside of her as a stored memory and then the pattern that she developed as a coping mechanism to keep her safe, which was to hide, which was to be silent, which was to also be aware of where’s my dad?

Where’s my dad? What’s going on is things escalating so that she could protect herself and be ready. And it was a pattern that was invisible until it got pointed out. But once it was pointed out, it was so like, wow, how did I not see this? She was able to see that drinking was a huge emotional landmine for her. Just listen in to the moments she figured it out. Is it drink one? Is it drink, too?

Is it drink three? Is it when you hear the ice hit the cup? What is it that makes that tingling in the back of your head happen?

It’s drink one. That’s when he pulls the bottle of wine out of the bag and puts it on the counter like I hear that noise from across the house. You know what I mean? And I’m just like hair stand up, like the whole thing.

You know, when you hear her story, I bet there was a party that was like, how could she not see this? I mean, this is as plain as day, right? But the reason why she can’t see it is the same reason why you can’t see the patterns in your life.

You only see the patterns when you want to and you got to follow the fear and ask yourself that question, what am I afraid of and what do I do when I’m afraid? So if you don’t know what the landmines are in your life, I want you to identify the moments in your relationships that cause arguments, the moments where you feel uncomfortable or where there’s constantly conflict. And I want you to ask yourself when that conflict happens, when that argument starts.

What are you afraid of in those moments? And what do you do when you start to feel afraid? If you go and take an inventory, you’re going to come up with a list of things you need to talk to your partner about and to co create new habits and patterns around together as a couple. And Cassandra, what did she do with this insight? Well, she got busy. She wrote to us about her conversation with her fiancee, about drinking and how it’s an emotional landmine for her.

And I got to tell you, I’m about to read it to you. And I am insanely proud of her.

This woman is doing the work and she is taking control of her life and she is seeing the results. Now, I had a great talk with Leland. I told him about my father’s drinking and subsequent violent behavior, really did a number on me, and that it’s affecting my relationship across the board. He thanked me for telling him and said he needs to start being a better person for me and for us. I’m pleased to report, and I’m so frickin proud that we have both been 100 percent sober for nine days now.

And I’ve realized now this goes way beyond just his decision to not drink. We’ve tried sobriety in the past, which mostly consisted of me telling him that he drinks too much and he needs to stop. So you would stop for two or three days, but then he would tell me that it was okay if I had a drink because I didn’t have a problem with it. So my dumb ass totally had a drink.

I couldn’t see at the moment