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the same things that made you love this person are going to really make you annoyed with that person. OK. And that’s why you’ve got to keep working on the passion. Your job could change tomorrow. Your boss could leave and some micromanaging jerk face could move in to the role. And guess what? You’re not going to wake up and feel passionate about your career anymore because you’re going to wake up and feel depleted.

Knowing that you’ve got to go into work and see this jerk face, it’s going to micromanage you all day. Passion is what you feel inside about what you’re doing, about the way that you’re living your life. And that’s amazing news because you can do things to increase the amount of energy that you feel in your life. You can jack the passion inside of you, which will have a direct impact on the passion that you feel in your life. You see, Dan is making the mistake we all make.

We all bought into the lie that passion is a person. Passion is a place. Passion is a thing. Passion is a career. No, it’s not. He thinks if he opens a wine bar, he’s going to be happy. He’s wrong. He’s focusing on the end goal of having a wine bar. And when you think about the end, like Dan is, you start to think about getting what you want and it’s going to feel too big, too far away.

It’s going to trigger fear and it’s going to make you feel like you’re not in control of what’s going on.

And here’s the other thing. He might hate it, just like I hated the coffee shop. And then what do you do then? You’re screwed because you don’t know what your passion is. And you thought it was the wine shop. I want to change the pattern.

I want you to figure out how you can grow into what you want. I want you to figure out how you can wake up every day and feel a little bit more energized. I want you just like we started this coaching session by saying, let’s follow the fear to see what you’re doing when you feel afraid. That gives you a fake sense of control. And then let’s teach you to slow down and let’s teach you how to take real control of your life.

That’s what we just did. And you take real control by going brick by brick, by going small, not big. The same is true with passion. We’re going to follow what energizes you. We’re going to go in. We’re going to kind of look outside of you, because the truth is, we all want to control our lives. We all want to figure out the end. We want to find the perfect major. We want to find the perfect person.

We want to find the perfect career. We want to do that because we want to feel in control. But that’s not how it works. That’s not how it works. You need to follow your energy. You need to explore things along the path of pursuing things that energize you, because it’s not about a wine bar. It’s not about a coffee shop. Heck, it wasn’t even about the speaking business for me. Do you know I became the most book female speaker in the world?

Hundred and twenty one speeches delivered in 2017. The most book woman in the world, 250 days plus away from my family. It was my biggest dream. I achieved it. And then you know what happened. I no longer wanted it. I wasn’t passion about it anymore. Waking up in a hotel room alone. Halfway across the country from my family. That was what I had always dreamt about.

Don’t get me wrong. After being married 23 years and it was amazing for the first year, it felt like I was dating Chris for the first time in a long time.

But then something happened. I started to feel less and less energized by what I was doing. I started to wake up and feel depleted. I started to notice that when I had to pack to leave for a trip for five or six days to go give five or six speeches, I was starting to feel anxious in my body. And that’s going to happen to you. And see, I was lucky because this happened two years ago, and I knew at that point that passion isn’t a thing and see, if I didn’t know that I would have had a major crisis in my life because I had pursued my dream and I had achieved it brick by brick by brick, by the way, one small step at a time.

And so will you. But then things change. And that’s why you’ve got to understand that even if you achieve your dreams, passion is something that’s inside you. And when you start to feel depleted, you’ve got to pay attention to it. Just like when you feel lost. You got to pay attention to the things that naturally energize you. You see, when I started waking up feeling depleted, I knew it was time to make a change. I knew it was time to slow down.

I knew that the track that I was on, I didn’t want to spend the next 10 years every year two hundred and fifty days away from my family. I didn’t want that. So I had to do exactly what I’m telling you to do. And I had to start to look around. And what did I do? I followed the energy. I looked around and I thought about what are the things that energize me. And that’s what you need to do.

What are the things that naturally energize you? What are you curious about? What did you like to learn, what’s a new skill you want to develop? And what I realized is the things that still really energized me about what I was doing was reaching you every single day on social media and inspiring you and working with companies like Audible and creating these incredible projects that are collaborative, that change people’s lives.

I loved the creative process. I didn’t love being on the road. And so brick by brick by brick, over the course of the last two years, I started getting off the road and I started doing more things that energize me. And that’s how you change and that’s how you’re going to change, too, and that’s, by the way, how Dan is changing his life. He’s paying attention to what energizes him. And you know what energizes you?

What would you do for free? What would you be excited to learn? Well, whose life. Are you interested in or jealous of an what is it about the thing that they’re doing the calls to you. And now figure out how do you do a little bit of that? And trust me, even if you end up hating it like I hated that coffee shop, you’re going to learn something that you need. You’re going to learn how to orient yourself away from things that deplete you and toward more things that energize you.

You know, what’s interesting is this is exactly what you see playing out in Dan’s life. He’s not necessarily going to be happy if he opens a wine bar, but he’s going to be ecstatic in his life. If he starts exploring it and if he starts moving in the direction of it. It’s all about what he’s learning and feeling along the way. It’s not actually about opening up a wine bar. In fact, Dan is signed up for a class.

And there’s something that he said about how he feels. Simply getting on a train to go to a class about wine. That proves my point about the fact that passion is not about the thing that you ultimately want to achieve. It’s about how you feel as you’re living your life and growing into it.

How did you feel doing it? Great. Why?

Because I was learning it was new. The experience was new. There was a lot that I did not know. And every time that class came around, I couldn’t wait to go back.

I couldn’t wait to get on the train, go there, learn, taste, talk, ask questions.

That’s passion. That’s it right there. That is passion by definition. I could not wait. That is available to you. And it’s not going to be available to you if you focus on the dream, it’s not going to be available to you if you focus on the big, big, big, big, big things, you see.

It didn’t matter if Dan picks a wine bar or wine class or Somalia course or working in a restaurant or working in a wine shop. What matters is exploring something that ties back to things that energize you. And that’s what passion is all about. Dan doesn’t need to open a wine bar. All Dan needs to focus on is brick by brick. How do you learn and grow? As I march in the direction of the thing that’s tugging at my heart and in the process of doing that, you’re going to get closer and closer to what your passion is.

So the first thing I want you to do is to start paying attention to where your energy increases and where you feel depleted because passion is a feeling you get when you’re doing something that you care about. Passion is the energy that expands inside you and expands your life. You just have to open yourself up to feeling it and you have to open your life up to creating opportunities to feel it. And that just means getting curious. And the idea of tracking your energy and seeing where you’re depleted and where you’re energized, frankly, it’s been a lifesaver for me.

And I have taught this to thousands and thousands and thousands of people around the world who use it every single day. Here’s how I use it throughout the day. I check in with myself. It’s sort of like having an inner compass. Are you feeling energized by the people that you’re around right now? If so, it’s pointing TrueNorth. That means that you’re naturally heading in the right direction. Or do you feel depleted by the people that you’re around?

That’s pointing in the wrong direction. You want to spend less time with those people. Am I doing something that makes me feel energized or is this depleting me? Pay attention as you go through your day and also pay attention as you start exploring new ideas and new things and spending time with other people. The second thing that I want you to do after you start kind of reading this inner compass and tracking your energy is I want you to intentionally brick by brick.

Slow down and start aligning your life with things that energize you. If something energizes you, start adding more of it. For example, let’s say you’ve always been interested in yoga. And so you do one small brick, you sign up or one small class and you dread going. But you go anyway. You make one small move forward. And when you’re done, you feel totally energized and you feel energized after the class chatting with the other yogis.

Pay attention to that. Do more of it when something to play to like working part time at a local coffee shop. Do less of it. Do less of it. Same thing with people. If there are people in your life that deplete you.

That’s a stupid idea. Always gossiping, whatever it is that they spend less time for them. You can do this audit with your inner compass for everything, for your hobbies, for food, for people, for the type of work you’re working on, for topics that you’re reading about, whether or not you’re listening to podcasts or your streaming, whatever it is, just start following the energy. And I swear to you, that is where you will find your passion if it energizes you.

Go toward it and realize it’s in following your energy where you will pursue your passion and things you are meant to do. That’s the simple answer. I always hesitate in giving this advice because I know you’re desperate for control. I know you want me to say, go be a doctor. You’ll be happy. Be an accountant. Be. Get a divorce. You’ll get married. You’ll be. That’s not how it works with passion. You have to cultivate it inside of you.

You’re reaching for the right answer because you’re afraid you’ll never find it. Just slow down. Let’s shrink this down and brick by brick. Read your inner compass and align your life to do more things that energize you. That’s it. That’s it. Now, I’m sure you’re wondering, particularly after all that talk of passion and Lego blocks and Dan doesn’t need to open a wine bar, he just needs to do things to pursue it. You may be wondering, what is Dan Dunn?

Where’s Dan? What’s happening with Dan? Well, he reached out and he shared something with us that I totally want you to know. And here’s what he said.

Now, I’ll actually be starting a part time job in a small wine shop. Fifteen minutes away from where I live. Their philosophy about wine and the way in which they do business is unique and fits my personality pretty well. The hours are reasonable and it will not interfere or take away from time with my family, which is my number one priority.

The store has three employees and the owner was coincidentally looking for someone just like me, a passionate person who can run the shop while she tends to other business related tasks. I’ll also be allowed to participate in the store tastings one to two three times per week and be in the sales distribution aspect of the business. The icing on the cake is that I’d also received credentials to experience wine expos that take place in New York City three to four times a year.

How awesome is that? Dan, I’ll tell you what. That’s incredible. He’s doing things brick by brick. He’s not over thinking. He’s not being too busy. Can’t you hear that?

He is being pulled forward by the tug of his heart and he is doing it one small step at a time. He didn’t quit his job. He didn’t go invest hundreds of thousands of dollars in anything. He didn’t invest thousands of dollars in anything. He literally just followed what energized him and signed up for a part time job that allows him to explore his interest and to learn more about himself. This is his next Lego block, and he’s pursuing his dream and living with more passion.

One brick at a time. And it’s the exact same way you’ll do it. What is you going to learn from his job? I have no idea. Maybe he’s gonna hate retail. Maybe he’s gonna think it’s amazing and open his own store. But what I will tell you that I know for sure is that he’s gonna learn something that will help him lay the next brick at a slightly different angle. And voilà, his path will start to pivot in a direction that he’s passionate about and he will be in control.

Maybe he’ll love retail. Maybe he’ll be on the distribution side. Maybe he’ll end up having a marketing firm that markets wine. I don’t know. And you won’t know until you start. And keep going following your energy. Now, as Dan follows his energy, it’s going to take him somewhere amazing because moving in the direction of your heart is the only way to figure out where you’re meant to go. And you can do the exact same thing by slowing down and moving forward.

One brick at a time. And now I want to remind you of the five big takeaways from Dan session. First, always follow the fear. Ask yourself, what am I afraid of? And remember the moment you feel afraid you’re going to reach for control in order to quiet that fear. But the way that you reach for control, it backfires in the long term. And once you know what you’re afraid of, you’re going to ask yourself, what do I do when I feel afraid for Dan?

The answer is he starts to think, think, think, think, think. And if you’re an over thinker, that is a trap and it’s a trap that’s triggered by fear. And look, don’t make yourself wrong. We’re all guilty of trying to take control of our lives in a way that works in the moment because it quiets the fear down, but it spins our lives out of control in the long run. Second, being busy doesn’t mean you’re in control.

If you’re driven by your fears, it’s a sign that you need to slow down.

Third, you have to state it to create it. I understand that it may feel embarrassing or hard or uncomfortable stating what you want, but the second that you stated, you claim it and it’s the only way that you can start to take control and take the steps to get what you want. Fourth, how do you take the steps you go brick by brick to make it stick? Thinking big, it’s going paralyze you instead. The answer is small.

Break down your goals in two small chunks. Simplify your goals into the teeniest actions forward every day and then just start working on it. And finally, the big idea about passion. It’s not a person, place or thing, and you’re not going to find it. You’re going to follow the energy. You’re going to grow into the things that interest you. It’s all about the pursuit, not the end game.

The secret to getting control over your life and working toward your dreams is making one small bit of progress every single day on the things that matter to you. And if you follow the steps that I just shared with you, you’re going to get there. Now, we’re going to shift into a second session in this next session, we’re going to talk about something that I know you can relate to, and that’s the fear of failure. Have you ever wanted something so badly that you were afraid to even try?

The fear of failure is a killer. Maybe you’re afraid of failing because you don’t want to embarrass yourself. Or maybe you’ve failed in the past and you don’t want to feel that bad again. Or maybe it’s because you want everything to be perfect before you can start. Or perhaps it’s a combination of all these things, just like it is for the woman you’re about to meet. One thing we’re gonna be exploring in this coaching session is perfectionism and the close relationship it has to your fear of failure.

And, you know, perfectionism is a funny thing because trying to be perfect gives you the illusion of control. But in reality, it does the opposite. It spins your life out of control. I mean, think about it for a minute. If you have the perfect business plan, then you won’t fail. If you have the perfect comeback, then the conversation will go well. If you have the perfect sales pitch, then you’re ready to make the phone calls.

The reason why so many of us try to be perfect is because we think if we can make it perfect before we start, we’ll be safe, will avoid the criticism.

We’ll avoid feedback. We’ll get what we want. We’ll be in control. And the logic is, if you put all your effort into being perfect first, you’ll never have to face rejection and you’ll never disappoint anybody and you won’t fail.

If your outfit is perfect, the right person will notice you at the bar and you fall in love. If you say the perfect thing in a meeting, No one the laugh and you’ll get ahead at work. If you post the perfect thing on Instagram, you’ll get more likes if you act like the perfect daughter, wife, husband, colleague. No one’s gonna judge you. Perfectionism is a defense mechanism. And wherever you’re focused on perfection, your life is probably out of control.

Perfectionism is defined in the dictionary as the refusal to accept any standard short of perfection. Want to know how I define perfectionism? It’s someone who is afraid of failing. And there’s a perfectionist in all of us, in you, in me and everyone. So before we jump into this coaching session, ask yourself, where do I struggle with perfectionism? Where am I trying to be perfect? Where am I? Busy preparing, but not actually working towards something.

You know, I struggle with perfectionism on social media. Yep. Every single post I agonize over the caption, the photo, the video at it. For years, I told myself I was doing it because I’m so committed to making an impact in your life. And building a brand. Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup bah. Got to manage the details. Got to be perfect. And that’s true. I am committed to making a difference in your life.

I do want you to love everything we post on social media. But after looking so deeply at fear in this project, I realized there’s absolutely a thousand percent. A part of me that’s trying to be perfect. I mean, every time I hit post, I do feel a little afraid. Wait, wait. Should I edit it? Just what should. Does it need a little tweak? Is it OK? And that’s why I micromanage and I try to make it perfect.

I think subconsciously, if I just put up the perfect post, you’ll like it. You’ll share it. My reach will grow. It’s not an easy thing to admit, but there’s a perfectionist in all of us. I bet you’ve agonized over something. You know, maybe it’s not social media, but I guarantee you you have agonized about an email that you needed to send your rewrote it. You had somebody else read it. You sat on it overnight.

You rewrote it again. And I’ll tell you why you did that. It’s because the moment you hit send on an email, you lose control. That’s why you hold onto the e-mail until you think it’s perfect. And wherever there’s a perfectionist, there’s somebody who’s trying to stay in control. But they’re doing it the wrong way. You’re about to meet a woman who sets standards so high for herself that she’s terrified to even try her self-esteem is plummeting. And she’s feeling both paralyzed by the idea of making even the smallest mistake.

And she’s also frustrated with her inability to move forward.

Perfectionists are doing everything they can to maintain a false sense of control because of fear. Now, this is a life changing conversation because by the end of it, you will understand the fear behind perfectionism. You don’t have to try until it’s perfect. Which, by the way, will be never. As you listen to Heather’s story, you’ll not only see the relationship between being a perfectionist and fear, you’ll also see a fascinating fact. The tiniest moments of feeling out of control as a kid can impact your entire life and determine whether or not you get control of your future.

And I’ll back this up with a tremendous amount of research that’s been done by Carol Dweck at Stanford about the fact that how you’re praised as a kid will either put you on a path of feeling a sense of control over your life or it will spiral you into always feeling out of control.

And that’s exactly what happened to Heather.

Let’s meet her right now. My name is Heather. I’m 29, I’m from New York City. No children yet. I’m engaged and I do marketing for a living. So now tell me, why are you here?

I’m here to get over the fear of things that scare me the most important to me as owning my own business. My biggest fear is waking up one day and realizing that I wasted my life not doing the things that I really wanted to do. It’s impacting my life and that I kind of do things half ass. I only do things that I feel like I can succeed at. And as a result, I feel like I’m not living up to my potential and I feel like I’m only half living.

I want to own my own business, and I know that, like everybody wants to own their own business. No, they don’t. Well, I feel like OK, well, it’s all over the Internet.

So that’s all that you see, too. And then you don’t need and feel like it’s everywhere. Yes. Yes, definitely. Yeah. Is it creating some panic or sense of urgency? And so. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I went to grad school about three years ago and I had a business plan and everyone’s like, this is a great idea. And I felt really empowered by it. And then I got out of school and I said, okay, next year I’ll start. And then the next year I’ll start. And I take steps to start it. And then I get freaked out and I stop. And my 30th birthday is next week. And I’m like, oh, my God, where did all of the time go?

And not that I’m old by any means, but I’m just like, if I don’t do this now, when am I going to do it?

Never. Yeah. And so I have the time to do it now. I have the resources to do it. Now I have the support to do it now. So I. Why am I not doing it?

We’re going to find out. Yeah. So what was the business and what did you study?

I studied marketing and this kind of goes back to my fear of always failing is that I really wanted to go to business school. And I kind of half assed my GMAT the first time I took it. I didn’t I didn’t really study. I just kind of wanted to see where I would take it or get my results where I got in the seventh percentile of of math. Okay. And I took advanced calculus like I am not I’m not dumb. And it just freaked me out.

Okay. Like. Tests have always been this way for me, OK? I remember the first time when I was in third grade, I got a ninety three and a test hand like, oh my God, I’m so screwed up. I started shaking and because I got to ninety three, not 100. And my teacher had to like take me into the hallway and help me calm down. And it’s always been an issue for me to be perfect.

Yeah. When’s the first time that you remember feeling like you weren’t going to do it right.

I remember I was like maybe 12 sitting in a sitting in the car with my mom. And I got really upset that I didn’t know what I wanted to go to college for. Yeah, and I was 12. Like, looking back on that, I’m like, oh my God. My mom said, well, I don’t know what I want to do. So. And I was kind of like, but that’s the point. Like in the most respectful way possible.

I don’t want to become you. What does that even mean? I think it means that. I don’t want to not figure it out, I want to figure it out and I want to do it. So do you think growing up as a kid. Was it that you thought your mom was unhappy or that you looked at her life and said, that’s not what I do want to do with mine?

I have two sisters, and she quit her career for us, and she stayed home for 18 years and it felt like she was always serving us for lack of a better word. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Was she unhappy about that or do you feel guilty that your mother gave up her career to take care of you? I think both. This isn’t related to your mom.

It’s related to how you internalize. Yeah. Watching your mom say, I still haven’t figured it out. And you have a ingrained need to have the answers. You have an ingrained need to be in control. Totally. Yeah. Where does that come from.

It was never liked in my family. It was always stressful and it still is that way. I think there’s just always this level of expectation of perfection and achievement. And it didn’t even need to be said. It was just always there.

Did that come from your dad or from your mom? From both of them? Yeah. But also myself, too. Well, you learned it. Yeah. You know, one thing I’ll say about parents is. In situations where there’s not abuse, right? When you are not in a situation where you were had no or abuse physically. Most parents are just doing the best they can. Totally. Yeah. And so this isn’t a conversation about blaming your parents because they were just doing the best that they could.

It’s about you uncovering how you absorbed the environment that you grew up in, in your nervous system. So any situation that you’re in as an adult, that reminds you of what it felt like to be a 12 year old girl, you don’t remember that situation, but your body sure does. Your body doesn’t forget. Your body is in the driver’s seat. So whether it’s a test or even the moment you’re about to send an email to your boss or make a presentation to a client and you start to have that fear that things are going to go out of control or you can’t control this or it’s not going to be perfect.

Yeah. What happens in your body so before your thoughts start to spiral? Where do you feel the fear come in? Like physically, where do you live?

We have a need to be in control and we start to feel that things are spiraling out of control. It triggers your survival mechanisms. And so for you, there is a lot about your childhood, not because it was traumatic, not because, you know, you’re getting beaten or sexually abused or something like truly horrific, but day in and day out. What was happening is as a young child, you were questioning whether or not you belonged and you were feeling that things were out of your control.

And when those get triggered, you can feel a pit in your stomach. You can feel your heart race. You can feel your throat get tight. Your hands can get clammy. People describe a wave coming in. People feel nauseous. People’s faces get hot. There is some kind of physical response that comes in before you even start thinking about what’s going on. And so for you, what does it feel like when you start to feel that things are out of control?

Crying. Crying. Yeah. So immediately goes to your eyes. I am crying right now, but, yeah, and it’s crying is something that I’ve struggled with my whole life and it’s so frustrating in a business setting. I have the maturity of I know that I can and but I feel my eyes start to well up and I don’t know how to stop it. I’ve tried power posing in the bathroom stall before meetings.

I’ve tried doing the five second rule. I’ve tried biting my tongue. I’ve tried. I don’t know how to. And it’s so frustrating because it shows other people that you’re losing control. Yes. Yes. At night you’re becoming vulnerable. And yes, in a business setting, that is the worst thing.

Absolutely. Particularly in a business setting. So the first step, Heather, in taking control over the way that your body responds is to follow the fear. Yeah. And locate where that fear begins as a sensation in your body. And the reason why I want you to do that is because this is a pattern. And you’ve been repeating it in your body for 20 years. And you’re not going to be able to stop it until you can fully see how it begins as a feeling.

And then once it’s a feeling in your body, what is it triggering you to do? Because you can’t control something you can’t see. So before your eyeballs start to well and you can feel yourself crying, what happens in your body before the tears? Because you can feel it coming. So does your heart start to tighten before you cry? Yeah. Do you start to feel a rise up in your throat? Let’s break it down. Because what what happens?

I think for you, there’s probably some kind of a wave of feeling. Yeah. And as you you don’t even realize this yet that there’s a pit in your stomach or there’s a tightening in your chest or there’s something that happens before the welling begins. And what I want to get to the bottom of is where does it start? Because by the time it gets to your eyeballs, it’s too late. The way that’s happened. Yeah, I think.

Because I feel it right now. OK. It’s in my chest. It does come up because when I’m when I feel like I’m getting upset, my throat tightens. And you’re right. And then once it hits my eyes, it’s like it’s all over. Yeah.

So the reason why I’m focusing on where it starts is because if we can teach you. To recognize the body sensations that are getting triggered by day to day life because of these fears. We can probably get you to be aware enough to go, oh, I’m feeling out of control about something. Yeah. And to talk to yourself so that you talk down that fear before it hits your eyeballs and starts coming out as tears. Because it’s automatic for you.

The response for you is, oh, my gosh. I’m sitting in a test and everything was fine. And then there’s one question that I don’t know. And my chest gets tight, you know, and it starts to rise from my body all the way up. It’s like what I want you to visually think about is that in your chest. That’s where the uncertainty gets triggered. Right near your heart. And then a wave comes up and the wave is going to trigger thoughts that are really negative.

And we want to stop that wave and not have it leave your chest because you’re getting triggered all day long and you could be triggered by anything. Yeah, because what’s getting triggered is a sense of control. That’s it.

And the thoughts that get triggered, I’m sure, like I’m not good enough and I don’t want to do this. Yeah. La, la, la, la, la. And as a young human being, being in an environment where mom was tense and the expectations were high from dad and there is a lot of emphasis on getting things done and doing it right and getting perfect grades. A lot of pressure to keep up with the Joneses like that. It feels like life is about getting somewhere.

Life is about checking boxes. Life is about the things that we need to accomplish. And working harder and that there’s never that moment where you’re just present. And so as a kid, what that means is it means that you’re always on.

And, you know, our body operates at different speeds. And I’m going to share with you something that somebody shared with me recently. And the and the new cars we pull up at a at a stoplight. And the car starts to idle. And then it turns itself off. The first time that happened, I almost had a heart attack. Oh, my gosh. The guards. But it’s interesting because I think when you’re president, it’s sort of like that moment at a stoplight where you pull up your idling and then the car turns off.

That’s the moment of being present. Yeah, you’re not doing anything. You’re just sitting there. The engine’s not running. You’re just there. It’s peaceful. And then all of a sudden the car turns back on, you hear the engine rev up again, and then you hit the accelerator and go. And in your childhood, it sounds like there were never those moments where the engine turned off. And mostly you were moving 60 miles an hour. And when that’s your experience inside your own body, your body is under stress.

So it’s not even what you’re thinking about. It’s not even that you’re thinking, oh, mom’s upset. She’s got to do the laundry. She’s always upset. She’s got to do this. She’s got to do that. Her life seems hard. She doesn’t seem. It’s not even the intellectual stuff.

It’s that your your own nervous system is absorbing all of that uncertainty, all of that stress. And when your body runs all the time, it burns out. Yeah. And so you strike me as the kind of person whose childhood was. One where you’re always on alert. Always looking out for is mom gonna be upset today, is this test gonna be good enough? Is dad going to be happy with whatever it is that he’s done and what you always thought was no.

And then, like a lot of kids, it sounds like you took it on. To fix it, if I just get better grades, then they’ll smile. If I just get into this school, then it’ll be OK. Yeah. And then you get to that point. And that it it doesn’t stop. It’s just. What’s the next? And that’s happening in my career where I think. Let me get this promotion and then I’ll be happy. And I get the promotion.

And then I think. But I’m not happy. So now I have to get to the next one.

So many of us live that life. And we’ve been trained to. And the reason why we’ve been trained to is because if you think about school, we got a kindergarten and then you got to first grade and then you go to second grade and then you go to third grade and then you go to fourth grade and then you go to fifth grade and then you go to middle school and then you go to high school. And then there’s the pressure to go to college or to a tech school or to do something else.

And then you get your job and then you’re in your job and then you meet somebody and then you get married and then you’re supposed to buy the house and then you’re supposed to have the kids and maybe get the dog before the kids or after the kids. But then you have a second kid and then you have the point five kid says Ms. Restitute, two point five kids. And then we get and then we get that home equity line and then we put the kitchen addition on.

I mean, it’s like our entire lives are set out in this linear progression as people chase the dream the next. Yeah. And particularly for those of us who are triggered by the fear of losing control, it’s only natural to anchor your feeling of being in control, to chasing the next thing. And so not only are we all socialized to believe that we’re supposed to climb this ladder, we’re supposed to do things in a linear progression. We’re supposed to get to the next thing.

We’ve also been marketed to by society that we’ll be happier if we have a new car. We’ll be happier if we have a better dishwasher. We’ll be happier if we have the skin lotion that’s got the almond scent. And we are also psychologically anchoring our sense of control and our sense of happiness on achieving those things. And what you’re experiencing is no different than what millions and millions and millions of us experience. And that’s that emptiness that you feel when you buy the lotion that smells like almond butter.

And it doesn’t make you happy or you get the promotion and you. Have an extra hundred bucks in your paycheck after taxes. And it means you can buy the 14 dollar chardonnay, not the ten dollar Chardonnay. And it doesn’t make you happy. Yeah. You think that it’s about the next thing that you just kind of go from one thing to the next thing to the next thing you climb the ladder? Yeah, that’s the latter life where the next rung is gonna be better than this one.

And then you get there and you’re like, shit. It’s not only the same as the last one. It starts to feel worse because this didn’t make it better. Right. And the quiet desperation sinks in. And the reason why is the. I’ll be happy when life the chase, the carrot life the get to the next thing life. That requires you to be driving. Let’s use the car analogy again to be going 60 miles an hour at all times.

And happiness is achieved through a different formula. It happens when you’re sitting at the light and you’re eitel. When you’re in the moment doing things that make you happy and that’s being with people that you care about, it’s engaging in experiences that make you happy. And it’s just working on things that are important to you. And one thing that I know is that if you stay in this job and you continue to do this formula of get to the next thing, get to the next thing, gets it in my stomach.

You did? Yeah. Oh, excellent. So why did I go?

I’m not going to. Well, let’s go back in your body. So before the tears come, let’s go back in your body. Why did your stomach tight? What triggered it?

Because this my fear is staying in this job. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I’m crying.

That’s OK. That’s all right. It’s gonna take some practice. But the fact that you caught that your stomach got tight first. Yeah. Genius. Awesome. So you can do it so. Oh, my stomach got tight. I’m worried about losing control. Makes you feel out of control.

It does. Yeah.

And it scares you to think about being in that life. And the great news is, is you’re not even 30 yet. And you’ve seen the trap that the vast majority of people fall into that trap, being that you can buy happiness with a promotion, that you can buy happiness with a nicer car, that you can buy happiness with a richer boyfriend. You can’t do it. Yeah, happiness is about what you’re pursuing in this moment. It’s about the relationships that you have.

There’s actually a formula for it. You’re born about 40 percent, 50 percent. Somewhere in that range of your happiness is genetically set. And the other 60 to 50 percent, depending upon your genetic preset, you have complete control over complete. Which means you can do things and make small shifts in your life that have a material impact on how happy you feel every day. And one of the biggest ones for you is to get out of the. I’ll be happy if I get a promotion trap.

I’ll be happy if I earn more money trap, because it’s not only making you unhappy. It’s triggering your fear of being out of control. It’ll get easier and easier to recognize the pit and then to talk yourself down before it rises up and becomes fully paralyzing.

OK. So we just figured out that this job is making you feel scared because every day that you stay in this job, you feel like you’re losing control over your future. So let’s talk about your future.

Let’s talk about the thing that you want to do, which is also the thing that you’re avoiding, which is launching your own business. Yeah. So you said you applied, but did you actually go to business school?

I have asked you, did you go graduate school?

I went to grads. OK, would you go to graduate school for marketing? OK, well, that’s still a form. That’s still an aspect of business. You go and get a degree in marketing. Yes. And you had a business plan. Yeah. And what was the business?

It was mother of the bride dress business.

That’s a great idea. My older sister was getting married and my mom could not find a dress. And I went to school for fashion and it just struck me that be bridal industry was so saturated, but nobody was paying attention to the mothers who were willing to spend a lot of money to look good. And psychologically, it’s weird because they know it’s their daughters say, but they also feel like it’s their day. Right. So that was my business idea.

Do you still want to do that business? I do. Yeah. So why what is it about it? Like what happens? You graduate. You’ve got this marketing plan. I think it’s a fantastic idea, by the way. Thank you. And what happened? I started taking steps towards it. I had a contact who is a CEO at another label. This friend of mine said, go talk to her. She’s the CEO of a company.

Maybe she can help.

I felt like I was going to school and a presentation.

I had my my little iPod that had my my bleak pitch on it and some shark tank and I got in there. And now is your chest getting tired as your.

No, I was excited. Okay, good. Perfect.

And I met with this woman and she spent the hour telling me her story, her salary, how hard it is in the business. And then if my idea was a good idea, would have been done before. OK. And I left that meeting feeling crushed, but also like, fuck you, I’m gonna do it anyway. I’m going to prove you wrong. And what happened? And any time I take a step towards making it happen. My head tells me this is going to fail.

This is a dumb idea because starting a fashion business is incredibly hard. And the chances of you making it are incredibly slim.

Are you starting to get tight in your chest? OK. So are you starting to feel this? Because I can see that your eyes are welling up. So as you’re telling the story, are you starting to feel it here in your chest?

I think yes, but I wasn’t even paying attention. OK.

Yeah, I know you didn’t even see the tears coming, but I could see your eyes welling up as you described the experience of being told. No. OK. And I bet it felt the exact same way as it did when you got that 93 on the test. You were being told that your idea isn’t perfect. Mm hmm. Heather, I want you to unpack this so that you can really understand that the issue you’re dealing with is how your body is remembering situations where you’re not hearing what you want to hear or you’re not getting a perfect score.

Yeah, you see, anytime you’re in a situation where somebody is judging you. Like that woman did when she said if it was a good idea, somebody would have done it or things don’t go as you plan those types of conversations and situations. They’re not going how you hope.

And that’s going to trigger your body to feel afraid, just like you did when you were little.

Yeah. When you start to talk about the stuff that’s against you, yeah, the lack of control and the fear that that triggers in your body, it’s starting to take over. And so as you have a narrative where you’re stacking up all this stuff, it’s triggering this thing in you. This is how trained your nervous system is around things out of your control. That’s what’s happening. That’s why you cry a lot. Yeah, I’m. In all of how hard you are on yourself now, people are always like how they’re such a bitch.

She she’s so hard on other people. It was like if you would leave. No.

What it’s like to. What is it like to be you? It’s hard, but I know that I make hard on myself, like I my worst enemy. I know. I know that. I have no one to blame but me. Well, blaming you isn’t working. Yeah, it’s making it worse. And did your parents tell you that you were smart? Yeah, I was pulled out of my elementary school and put into a gifted program that sucks.

Of well, it sucked for more reasons than one. And I’m going to explain the science behind it. Yeah. And so you go into the gifted program at where everybody’s telling you you’re gifted.

And I’m with these kids, this maybe 12 set of kids from elementary school to high school that are super driven, super cutthroat. It was all about grades. And then the emphasis was all on the grade that you got. And was that really when your self-esteem started to truly plummet, when you went into the gifted program and started to think.

I’m not that gifted, you may be, but I mean, that was third grade. So I don’t know how much self-esteem I could.

A lot. Believe it or not. Yeah, a lot. So you’re seven, eight years old. Yeah. And you start to you’re told that you’re gifted, you’re put into a program. And then you start to internalize that these kids are more gifted than you. Yeah. This is a really critical point. Because you are a classic example of what happens to somebody when they have a fixed mindset. And there is a book that you must read, it will be game changing and it is called Mindset.

OK.

It was written by a brilliant professor at Stanford by the name of Carol Dweck. And she was very curious about people’s mindsets then, particularly what happens with gifted kids. Yeah. And the phenomenon of we can take a kid like you and recognize that you’re gifted at the age of grade three and stick you in a gifted program. And we can tell you how smart you are. And the vast majority of those kids completely flame out. And there’s a reason why.

And the reason why is when you praise somebody and recognize somebody for being gifted or being smart. You start to create what we call a fixed mindset, because we’re only ever encouraging you to think that you’re smart. And what happens for people that are told that they’re really smart and that they’re gifted is that when you reach a point, maybe a grade six or grade five or grade seven, where you suddenly have your first failure and you’ve got a ninety three.

Yeah. Not 100. And the other 11 kids in the pack, they got 100. What you internalize is that you’re not smart enough. And because we’ve only ever told you you’re smart. You’ve made the mistake of thinking I only have a certain amount of smartness and now getting a 93. It’s over. I don’t have anymore. And you feel an immediate sense of a loss of control. Your self-esteem plummets. Yeah. And you don’t know how to do better.

But you’re scrambling because all of you ever been told, is that a smart, smart, your smart, but nobody’s ever told you that it’s all about effort. And so what her research shows is that when you praise people for being smart, they’ll tap out. And when they face their first couple failures, their self-esteem plummets. And they have absolutely no resilience to figure out that they’ve got the capability. Now, conversely, if you create what we call a growth mindset, a growth mindset is teaching kids and adults, everybody, that you have the capability to learn new things through work.

If you work harder, if you work differently, if you work at the problem from another angle. If you try again, you’ll figure it out. Yeah. And when you teach somebody that all you have to do is try again. All you have to do is work a little bit harder. Number one, we’re giving you something that’s within your control. Mm hmm. And we are teaching you how to be resilient when you get a ninety three.

When I get a seven percentile on GMAT. Now just give up. Yeah. You don’t just give up. Yeah. When you have a fixed mindset, which is what you were trained to have, you say, well I’m only this smart, I’m not smart enough. If you have a growth mindset, what you’re trained to think is you’re trained to think, oh, no wonder I got a seven, I frickin didn’t even study. All I have to do is work harder and it’ll go up.

Oh, I got a ninety three. No problem. I must need to look at the trigonometry thing. Yeah, no problem. I’ll work a little bit harder.

Oh this bitch over here in fashion says I’m only gonna make X amount of money and it’s a no problem. I’ll work a little harder. Yeah. And the thing for you that’s critical in understanding this is that the thing about a fixed mindset and praising people for being really smart and gifted. That’s very triggering. And this and this is a classic example of what’s happened to you. Is that how smart you are? Is not in your control. How hard you work is.

How hard you work affects how smart you are. But how smart you are does not affect how hard you work. And I’m telling you right now. What happened to you? Yeah, there is shit going on with your family and your parents are pressure cookers. Welcome to the Northeast. But that’s not the primary thing that you’re dealing with. You’re dealing with the fact that you were told you were smart, but nobody focused on telling you to work hard.

It totally makes sense. And you know, the other thing is, is it’s not so much that you’re not capable of working harder. It’s more that what happens psychologically for a young child. Yeah. Who’s told that they’re smart and succeeds. And then all of a sudden faces the ninety three is your self-esteem plummets and your self-doubt rises. And so there’s an intellectual panic.

Doubt and self doubt is something that plagues me all the time. Someone will send me an email at work and I immediately go to Ischia.

What’s going on in your body right now as you’re thinking about the e-mail? Let’s start. Let’s talk about your body, what’s going on as you think about the email. It’s hard for me to breathe, OK? I feel like I’m not taking breaths. I feel like I’m just. It’s like I’m disrupting a pattern of my body. Exactly. Yeah. So when the email comes in, it’s both making you feel like something out of control is about to happen.

Yeah. And it also triggers the other fears that we have about being part of a group and belonging. And so you’re going to get in trouble. You’re gonna be separated from the pack. Somebody is gonna be upset with you. Yeah. And supernormal, by the way. I think there isn’t a person that is going to listen to this conversation that hasn’t had the experience daily at work where you get an email from somebody and you have that pit in your stomach.

That’s not the problem. The problem is, does it escalate? From the pit in your stomach to negative thoughts, your brain totally. That I feel like I can’t I can’t stop. It’s like this downward spiral. And then it affects my work. And then it affects the next action that I take. And it’s hard for me to move on from it. And I just sit there and dwell and dwell in dwell. And I know that I project on other people what they’re thinking, what they’re feeling, what their intent was.

Yeah. Now you’re projecting what your self-doubt says. Yeah. So you’re not even present with people. And so maybe a really good tool for you to use when you feel the pit in your stomach or you feel your chest tightening. Yeah, because it starts with your body. We know this based on research because it is a fear that we all have that’s fundamental around loss of control or rejection from a group. Everybody’s got it. Yours has taken over and has a really tight connection to then spiraling your thinking.

And so we want to stop it at your body. And when you feel that pit, when you feel the chest tighten. What I want you to visualize is I want you visualize the moment a car is at a stop sign. And the engine goes off. And that’s your signal that I’m gonna turn off the engine and my body for a second. And I’m gonna recognize that this is just bullshit going out of my body. It’s the wiring I’m going to change.

And through some work, you’re not stuck with this through some hard work. Not hard being that it’s difficult, but hard meaning it’s a pain in the ass because you don’t have to do it all the time.

Oh, yes. In the beginning. No, I know.

I’m just thinking of how I’m going to be. Oh yeah. Like, OK.

Here we go. I’m stopped at. Have you noticed how annoying it is with those cars? Every time you every time you pause in traffic, it’s like I’m off taking a break right now.

Right.

And then you got idle a lot. Yes, you should. Because the things that are triggering you aren’t worth.

Oh, God. Not a night at all. No. And so think about your entire day is like being in traffic where you’re inching along. Yeah. And the second the car comes on and you feel the engine rev up, which for you is your stomach tightening, your your chest tightening like the rise, you’re going to have the engine off. And one thing that you can do, one gal on our team talks about how when she feels that rise of fear in her body, her technique is to feel herself in her chair, sort of wiggle around a little bit and remind herself that she’s physically weighted in the chair and get out of the escalation of the wave.

Going up to her mind. Nope, I’m a wiggled out of my chair and I’m an anchor down on my chair, and I’m going to stop the way from going up by wiggling it down. OK. For you, the e-mail comes in, the stomach tightens, it starts to rise up, the chest tightens as the wave is reaching your eyeballs and you’re going to go up turning the engine off from a wiggle down in this chair and sit here and wait to go forward.

And we’re gonna come up with a mantra for you. Because I think it’s important before your thoughts get triggered by fear that you turn your engine off. You settle down into your chair and you have your own montre. And the other thing, since you’re plagued with self-doubt, is self-doubt. It’s just triggered by the fear of uncertainty and the fear of rejection. That’s all that it is. Believe it or not, self-doubt is a protection mechanism because if you doubt yourself and you pull it all in, you’re not exposing yourself to risk and won’t do anything.

Yes.

So we want to get you into the mode of having the growth mindset, which is all about expanding. It’s about trying. It’s about, you know, kind of taking control by taking action. And so it’s OK when the thoughts come up. It’s okay, you know, to doubt yourself it’s gonna happen. But we want you to then turn off the engine, settle in,