بخش هشتم

end of it, you’re going to know exactly what to do so that you can not only speak up, but also so that you can get control of your life and your work and you really need to, because if you don’t, you’re never gonna make the money that you want. You’re not going to reach your goals at work. You’re not going to be successful the way that you deserve to be. And even worse, you’re never going to know who you really are and what you’re capable of achieving.

This coaching session is not only going to teach you how to find your voice and speak up at work, but it’s also going to give you the tools that you need to take control of your life. Now, let’s meet Amy. My name is Amy. I’m 46 years old. I’m from Michigan. I am married. I have four kids ages 26, 22, 10 and seven. And I worked for a local insurance carrier. Well, welcome.

Thank you. How can I help you wife here? Well, we’re here to talk about my greatest fear, my greatest fear is never really realizing who I truly am. I feel like I’ve been a chameleon most of my life. I mold into my environment to the people that I’m around, the atmosphere that I’m around. I take that all in.

And as I get older, I’m losing time to be able to realize who I am, what’s truly my thoughts, my own feelings, my beliefs. I want to be able to get that chance to realize my full potential and contribution I’m supposed to make this world. It’s pretty big and broad, you know. It’s also really common. Mm hmm. You’re not alone in feeling this. And I have used the word chameleon to describe myself.

Yeah. Do you remember kind of how and when this began? Feel like it’s been my whole life.

I grew up in a little bit of a tense environment where I never knew completely the mood mom was going to be and not that she was ever abusive or anything of that nature, just kind of.

I feel like she had these same struggles herself. So I was always trying to make sure the household was happy. She was happy. It carried over into, I believe, every aspect of my life.

Is she still alive? Yes. OK. Does she know that you feel this way? I don’t think that she would contributed to the atmosphere of growing up.

Well, let me draw a line in the sand real quick in case Mom’s listening, even though I think it’s impossible.

As a mom to not hear blame because we all pour our heart and souls and our kids and beat ourselves up when things don’t go according to plan. There’s a very big difference between what moms and dads are doing. And what kids internalize and perceive. We’re only going to look at one side of this, which is growing up in the household that you grew up in, experiencing what you experienced. Your perception, your way of internalizing it. It became part of.

Who you are. It became part of your nervous system, it became part of the stories that you tell yourself. It became part of the patterns that you think in. And we’re trying to figure out those, because while they may have been OK when you were little, they’re not working now that you’re an adult. Right. And my desire to address it is because I would like this conversation to be the first time, maybe ever that you are truly yourself.

And what I don’t want you doing is managing how to say something because your mother might hear it. So I want you to operate as though she’s never going to hear this. OK, so you’re starting to get upset. What I want you to do is tell me, what are you feeling in your body as the tears are coming to your eyes? My emotions come out in the form of tears and they come out in the form of hives on my neck.

And just because I feel like I’ve always stifled so much. So I feel like I don’t have just a mask, social mask, persay. I feel like I have an entire body of armor all the time.

And the older I get him, 46 years old, I feel like the heavier it is, the harder it is to just break free from it. So I feel like I’ve never truly been able to share true emotions as they come out.

So they come out as tears and hives and nervousness. That’s exactly what happens when you push down the thing that you don’t want to say. Like you’re suppressing it in your body. And when you suppress something, it builds and builds and builds. And then who it comes out. For some people, it comes out and they remove themselves or they burst out in anger or they get hives or they get tighten the chest or they start to, you know, breathe heavy or they you know, their face gets flush.

And for you, it’s all of that stuff because lump in my throat, a lump, I literally feel a lump in your throat. Like, you’ve got to say something. And I, I can’t say because I can’t relate to that.

I don’t know exactly what it is, but I just know that there’s something.

Kind of kind of come out kind of comment. Yes. The reason why it’s full body for you is you’ve been doing this since you were little. Right. You’re not just dealing with what’s triggering you in the moment. You’re dealing with a lifetime of stuff that needs to come out. Not that there’s a heavy amount of it. Not that there’s something big. It’s just it’s just that there’s so many times that you suppressed it, that it’s the number of times that you suppressed it that is forcing it to come out now.

Makes sense. Give me an example of where you felt like you were either shut down by somebody else or you suppressed yourself or you lied about something in order to make somebody happy?

Well, I can remember coming home one night and I was out with a friend and her older brother had driven us home and he had been just driving kind of crazy, just being us, just being silly and making my friend made my friend cry. And it was late at night. And I came home and I came up the stairs and I had too much, much younger brothers than I who were already in bed. And I came up the stairs and I was cold and I had my gloves on and I just slid my gloves down and said, I’m never riding with him again.

And the first thing she did was quiet down.

The boys were sleeping, you know, so just don’t truly express yourself, OK, right now.

There was another time where that one donated.

She had called off work for something. I don’t remember what now, but she had called in to say that she was sick and she was out when I got home from school doing an errand or something, and I called into work to tell her I was home. That, of course, they said, well, she’s she’s not here. And I told her I had done that and she was so me so mad because, you know, she had said she was going to.

To do something. Be somewhere. She was. She’d gotten caught in a lie. She got caught in it. But it was always this needing to portray a certain way of our family and who she was and who we were. And that was just a little piece of. Well, she’s not perfect. She didn’t just need a personal day or whatever she had going on. She had to call in to say that she was sick. And I got her in trouble where she was fearful that she was gonna get in trouble.

What do you feel that I feel that was the most ceilings you ever got hit or spanked or and and.

None of that was just darling. Nothing ever physical. And was she moody? Yes, very much so. What was that like for you? Tense. Made the whole atmosphere of the house tense. My stepdad came into the picture when I was about two. Wonderful man. They were two very different personalities, but made it work for a while, for quite a while and. But when they would get into a fight, an argument, it was silent tribute to each other for months on edge.

Months, months. So it was a standoff. Yes. It was very uncomfortable. It’s not surprising that if you’re living in a household where two adults that are married don’t speak for months, that you would somehow get the message that this is what you’re supposed to do. And I don’t know how that she knew how to express her thoughts and feelings either. And I think that’s probably where why it was the way it was.

Of course, when people are doing the best that they can. Mm hmm. And. It doesn’t really matter that she didn’t know how or she did know how and she decided not to or whatever, like what we need to deal with is that you grew up in a household where people didn’t talk to each other. Of course, you would not know how to express yourself. And given that your self-expression was so few and far between. Anytime there is anything critical, it was going to read like keep your mouth shut.

And caused me a lot of anxiety to try to express it.

So tell me about one of those moments growing up or anytime.

Like, how does it how does it impact you now? It’s very clear what what how you learned how to do this.

I mean, it affects everything. It affects personal relationships. If they’re if I may feel like I have a disagreement with how somebody is behaving, thinking, acting, it affects personal effects, business, it affects everything. I feel like I’m perpetually a child. That’s what I feel like. But like, I don’t know what I want to do or be when I grow up. I feel like I’m just stuck as a child. What does that even mean?

So it means I can look at someone and I can I can think, well, they’re younger than me. So I, I, I should have more confidence and more comfort in my own skin than I do.

And I’m intimidated by somebody else’s confidence level.

If someone’s older than me, I think while they’re older than me, they know better, they do better. And I just kind of physically feel like that child and I fight myself internally because I think logically I know better. I’m not. But I don’t know how to get that out. It’s an excellent analogy because that’s how you’re behaving. You’re right. You’re right. And not like you’re behaving like a child because that sounds so bad now.

You’re behaving like you were taught to when you were a child. Which is be seen but not heard. And when there’s any kind of issue, don’t talk about it. And when you do raise issues, you get the snark or the sarcastic or the pushback. Did you experience. No fighting at all between them? Just silence. No, I did. They were. There would be yelling. They’d be yelling for sure.

So it was either yelling silence or that kind of transactional thing in the middle. That’s uncomfortable for everybody.

Yeah. I mean, they there were at times and it was. That was good. Yeah. Good family life. But it was bad. It was bad.

When you’re in a situation now in your life where you are thinking about confidence or you’re thinking about what you should say and you start to feel that this fear kind of coming through your body, where does it start? Like, what are some of the things that you feel?

Stomach physical. I’m upset churning, stomach ache, heart racing, and then the lump in the throat and then the tears come.

Depending on the situation, sometimes the tears come. It’s not every time. Quite often it’s the hives on the neck. Huh. I get those too. That it just frustrates the hell out of me. I bet.

Cause when your body starts to feel that way, it amplifies the out of control feeling and the thoughts start to spiral. So can you take me through a day? Of what it’s like to be in your body and in your mind. And what are the things that you feel as you go through your day so we can break apart literally all day long? How the fear of rejection and the fear of not being in control of your own life. And the direction it’s heading in, how those are tweaking you all day long.

Do you feel anxiety when you wake up? No.

I will sometimes feel dread just because it’s a normal everyday doing the same thing kind of day.

Whereas the dread is a dread like heaviness in your chest. Yeah, in my head, I live in my head all the time. OK, constantly questioning what I’m thinking.

Constantly questioning what I’m doing, how I’m acting, how I’m behaving. It’s in my head all day long, it’s exhausting. So anything I say, I wonder if I’ve said that right? Anything I do. I wonder if I’ve done that right. Or I see how someone else may be doing something or behaving or acting. And I wonder. I like that.

I’m going to do that. I keep coming back. I keep going back honestly to that comment that you made that your parent, your mom and your stepdad didn’t speak for months. And how when no one’s talking. That includes you. And that means that the only person that you’re talking to is yourself. And if there’s tension, nobody wants to cut it. I feel that that had such a significant impact on you. That’s where the armour comes in.

It’s not a mask. It’s not a social mask that people talk about that they do when they’re out at work or they’re out at a private function or something.

It’s like a physical body armor. You’re trapped in it, I feel like all the time. And I and like I say, the older I get, the heavier it gets.

And I want it to be more outward facing so that I can let my personality and my spirit come out. And I have a little bit of an armor on the outside. It’s not going to be without its holes, but I don’t want you wearing it.

The goal is to get rid of the armor. You suit up with armor the second your stomach goes tight. Yeah, you suit up with armor, the second your heart races, you suit up with armor. The second there’s a lump in your throat. And it’s a response that is. So hardwired in you. And you learned it when you were really, really little. Yeah.

It’s the best way I can physically describe it, that in the lump in my throat where I just feel like there’s literally something in there.

I get it. You. Yeah. Who’s that? You don’t have to decide who that is. You have to figure that out. No, you don’t. This doesn’t have anything to do with your head. You see, the mistake that we all make when we get trapped by fear is we start thinking about our fear and we start thinking about what we need to do and we start ruminating on it. And that makes the armor tighter. Fear wants you to go and sit in your brain and think about what should I say and what should I do and are they going to be upset?

And what if this happens and what if that happens? Because now it’s got you in it’s trap. What you have to learn to do and what we’re going to teach you to do is that when you start to feel the body sensation. That you stop it and settle it before the Iron Man suit comes on and you’re all suited up for battle. That’s what we have to do. The disease to please is your weapon. I believe. That it is about speaking.

It’s not about discovering yourself. It’s about speaking. What’s true for you without questioning it? And I’m sure you’re thinking, but I don’t know what’s true for me. Yes, you do. It’s the thing you’re afraid to say. You’ve gotten used to saying what’s easy and in your mind, what’s easy. Are the things that you think other people want to hear or the thing that will keep the peace. And what will? Break you free of the armor is saying whatever it is you’re scared to say.

In any given situation, in any given situation. So let’s talk about work.

What are the things that you do to be a chameleon at work? Well, everything I am a leader in our team. Where are you not happy at work? I don’t have a voice at work either. What does that even mean?

I.

I’m in a management position, but I really don’t have any sort of management responsibilities.

Because you don’t speak or because you’ve decided nobody listens. Because I don’t speak and because I’m not the decision maker.

So I just try to keep the peace. Would you just get out of that? Could you just made a great face?

Well, because I know this already and it’s I think that that’s partly what has triggered some of the more stress I felt in the last few months.

Sorry. As I work for somebody like your mother.

Well, she has a similar personality, meaning that you’re never quite sure what mood she’s going to be in when you come in for the day.

OK. That’s her thing. Mm hmm. But I’m the person in the middle between her and the people that are underneath me or both of us. And so I’m the one trying to make sure that the people that are under us understand what they’re supposed to do and feel good about their day, I suppose. OK.

So someone so breezes into the office. It’s one of those days where she’s not the most pleasant person to be around. Not a very empowering leader. Mm hmm. OK. You sit down and she’s dishing out the work. And what happens? And she was something she would say or do that would trigger you.

So it could be, you know, being frustrated about the amount of conversations that are being had with the people that work underneath us, you know? OK. And trying to pass it off as.

Well, do you think that that’s a good idea? I’m kind of frustrated that they’re doing this. What do you think we should do? And what happened? So she says that. Yeah, it’s. And that. Whereas if you went. Yes. Yep. OK. So then this is triggering something from your past. So what is it triggering.

Feeling like I need to do something that maybe I’m in trouble because I’m in control, because I haven’t controlled that situation. That’s who’s frustrated about she’s upset. So I need to try to make her feel a little bit better. But it goes back to feeling like almost childlike because I feel like I’m I’m in trouble. So much. Summit gets fluttery. The hives may come out. Mm hmm. And my thoughts go away. Great. So you just described it beautifully.

Your trigger is.

I’m getting in trouble.

And anybody that was free, if they said something like that, they’d answer, but because this is so hard wired in your nervous system, any time you read The World is rejection or I’m in trouble, your nervous system takes over. Yeah. When it comes down to an argument and debate situation, I lose my whole train of thinking or thought your brain is triggered and you start to think I’m gonna get in trouble.

I don’t know what to do. What am I going to do? And your thoughts start to spiral. The second your thoughts start spiraling. It triggers your body to release cortisol, cortisol being a stress hormone. As the stress hormone reaches your brain. It interferes with the functioning of the brain. That’s where your thought process speed of processing. One of the reasons why you forget what you’re supposed to say and you go blank. It has to do with the fact that your thoughts have escalated your agitated body to the point that it’s interfered with your ability to remember what you want to say or be present.

You’ve already left the room. You’re gone. You’re gone. This is a primal response to any threat where you feel like you’re about to get in trouble. You don’t fight back. You disappear. But what’s the worst thing that could happen? What’s the worst thing that could happen, huh? Well, I’ve I wouldn’t lose my job, I know that that’s not the worst thing that could happen. But, you know, I’ve had a couple of instances where I’ve I’ve actually I have actually spoke up and said things are, you know, not right or I’m frustrated or things like that.

It just created a very tense relationship and it created an environment where.

Nobody really understood what I was talking about. Nobody could see what I was talking about and there’s nobody else. That’s. Underneath me, that’s gonna say that, say the same thing. So I I was the one that came out and said things might not be great. Things might not be right or happy, or we need to do things differently.

And it didn’t change anything.

So so, again, stifled and it just made it for a very, very uncomfortable environment.

And why do you stay there? I don’t know what else I want to do yet. Anything but this. How about that? Potentially. So here’s what I can tell you about finding your passion. And I’m going to explain finding your passion this way because of something you said.

You do not like this job. You do not like working for this person. You have to be a chameleon. At work in order to make this person happy and to make myself happier in its innocence.

Yes.

So that you don’t have to deal with as much of her bullshit. When I said, why are you in this job? You said, I don’t know what I want to do. Yet. And for some people. They have an idea of what direction to head in. For most people, we have no idea. So one of the best places to start is by identifying exactly where you don’t want to be. And you do not want to be in this job.

Correct.

And the number one reason why you don’t is because you’re with somebody who makes you feel suffocated. Mm hmm. So you have the one clue that you need to start interviewing for a different job. And that is I want to work for somebody who’s empowering. That’s what I want to do. And that’s the only clue that you need in order to start to look. Mm hmm. So what would you do if you could speak your truth? What would you do if you would work somewhere else?

I think you’re going to find the answers by making lists of what you don’t want to do. Because you have spent 46 years in your head. You’ve spent forty six years thinking through this stuff and being trained by the adults in your life, not to confront, not to speak your mind. Don’t upset anybody. Hey, if something’s wrong, it’s the silent treatment. And it’s all making you happy. It is not. No. And because you have the propensity to think through these things.

If you start thinking through, what do I want? It’s a big question. You’re gonna get paralyzed. Because of your fear, you’re going to immediately not know the answer that’s going to make your stomach tight. Then it’s going to go up to your heart. Then it’s going to go into your throat and you’re not going to be able to speak. So how does the person that’s really free operate? I wouldn’t live so much in my head. OK.

And how would you have wanted to be different when you were a child if you weren’t? Silencing yourself and feeling like there is armor. What would it have been like to Ben freer and open as a child?

I just wouldn’t have wanted to. Try to do what I do now, figure out how to behave in the house, how to act in the house. How to what wanted to just be. Be myself, but I don’t. I can’t describe that. Probably play more, laughed more. Yeah. Get in trouble more. Have a little bit more freedom. Yeah. I want to kind of loop back. You came in here and said, I am scared that I will not reach my potential.

And I don’t even know what my passion is and I feel like. I’m not going to figure it out. I want to teach you my method for finding direction in life. And it is full proof. And it’s so simple. And you’re going to be really good at it because you have a really strong body wisdom. But there’s another thing that I want you to be aware of, because this will be the fastest way to find yourself. Pay attention to moments where you feel depleted.

Versus moments where you feel energized and expansive. OK. So walking into the office.

How do you feel in your body?

Not energized, but yes, like depends. Yeah. Depleted means that things feel constricted. Depleted means that there’s a heaviness to it. Depleted means that your potential is shrinking. Mm hmm. Absolutely.

Now, describe a situation where you feel energized, meaning your heart feels expansive.

Mm hmm. The potential of the moment or the connection feels possible. You may feel energized, that doesn’t even necessarily mean like you have a ton of energy. It just means you feel a little lighter and uplifted.

Describe a moment in your day to day life when you feel like that one would be with my oldest son, who has gone through his own personal struggles in his life.

You know, mentally, he has a lot of some of the same issues that I have had and I have helped him. I hope by being very open and honest with some of my own struggles and kind of walking him through.

How to deal with that? Yeah. And. Instead of telling him what to do, I quite often just tell him, what do you need me to do? How can I help you?

This is my thought instead of you need to do this. You need to do that because he’s very unpleasant. Fall Far from the tree is very independent guy and he has just made a wonderful life for himself.

So. Those are times when I have good feelings, when we have interactions like that, where I can talk to him as the adult he is. But I’ve been helping him to grow by showing some my own insecurities. You feel expansive and energized when you’re helping other people. And the entrance to my bachelor’s is in psychology fantan.

Why are you not a counselor? Because I wanna go back for my masters. Take a year to get a master’s in social work. So you are energized by serving and empowering other people? Yes. That’s the truest expression of yourself. And so the way that you find your passion is you start by taking an audit all day long. Of what moments during your day are depleting and shrinking? And what moments, things and people throughout your day are expansive.

And when you’re in a mode of being expansive, there’s no room for fear. There’s no room for all of that energy in your body that shuts it down. And so that’s how you begin. And I could sit here and tell you you should quit that damn job. You can help your husband and his business. You could go back to school. You’d go online and get a social work degree in one year flat and you could open up a counseling business.

You could get out of that job and go get a leadership role somewhere else. That that is the path for you. How would you feel if you had your own practice? I would feel fantastic. I know you would feel fantastic. That’s why I said it. And I also know that you’re stubborn and you’re not gonna hear this, but you do need to get a degree and you need to open that counselling practice as much as it scares you.

Huh. That’s big. Yes. But you would be proud of yourself and it would be your own. Yeah. And you would make a difference. And it’s something that you can do while you look for a new job. And while you start a new job and while you work another job for a year or two, you can start to build a counselling practice. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll focus on counseling daughters on how to deal with their disappointed.

Maybe, right. Maybe those are different kinds of tears. Yeah. What are those?

Possibility. Hold onto it, so possibility feels expansive. Yes, it is.

When you sign up for your first online course or you go to register for that one year degree, you’re going to be present a possibility. When somebody. At work says something, and it’s conflicting with the class. You’re going to feel like you’re getting in trouble. Yeah, your whole life is going to be a balance of pushing yourself forward into what feels expansive, what feels possible. What is amazing and the things that are depleting do less of what depletes you, because when things are depleting, it’s a signal from your body that you’re not aligned with it.

And that’s why I say get out of that job. And it’s also why I’m saying I want you to get this one year degree, because I think studying this topic and getting the credential will make you feel. Alive, it will expand possibility you may never open a practice. You may use it in your next job. Yes. What do you present to now? I’m listening. Do everything that you’re saying and everything that you’re suggesting, I’m thinking about the possibility of of doing what you’re suggesting.

I’m thinking about what it’s going to feel like to not feel this way anymore.

Awesome. The faster you get an action and the more consistently you’re taking action. In the things that feel possible. The faster the armor goes away and the more alive you are. And what’s super cool is you’re going to be modeling that for your kids. And you know, again, you’ve got the tools, you really do. I knew I felt overwhelmed, but coming here and talking to you just from the moment we started speaking, I’m crying and I’m still crying.

So it’s just you got decades to get it out there. So I’m trying to do. You’re going to make an incredible therapist skills lawyer version. Seriously, you really are. That’s what you need to do.

Thank you. Oh. You can repay us by doing the work. OK. And the hardest work for someone like Amy who struggles to speak up. It’s not going to be in pursuing the degree. It’s going to be in raising her voice.

And because it is so hard to do that when you have a pattern of silencing yourself, I really want to give you Amy’s update immediately so I can tell you that she is doing the work. Because if your issue is speaking up like Amy, I want you to be prepared for what it’s going to feel like. It’s not about signing up for something. It’s not about pushing yourself to do a lot of things that are outside your comfort zone. It’s really all in the speaking up.

And I want to read to you what she wrote to us. She said, Today, I went into my boss’s boss’s office and told him that I wanted a different opportunity. He asked why and I told him I had thought a lot about it. And I decided it was time my neck broke out in hives and my stomach was fluttering. But I felt fantastic. After I did it, who knows how long this transition will take? But at least I started the process.

That’s right. At least she started the process. I love that her neck broke out and her stomach was fluttering, but she still felt fantastic after she did it. And that’s the work that you’re going to have to do to. I’m highlighting this because the steps are simple, but it’s not going to feel easy because your body remembers moments when you felt too afraid to speak. Don’t forget, she lived in a house where her parents fought and she saw people be silent for months whenever there was conflict.

This is not only a coping mechanism, but you really need to grasp this idea that it’s a pattern that she was taught. Whenever she feels internal conflict, the pattern is to stay silent. And her body knows what conflict feels like. It feels uncomfortable and disruptive. So she’s going to now change that pattern of staying silent. That’s going to go against what makes her feel safe in her body. And it’s going to feel really hard. It’s going to feel like a neck rash and it’s going to feel like your stomach fluttering.

And so in an environment like talking to her boss’s boss, her own body is going to try to resistin. And that’s what she’s describing. That’s the physical response. And your body’s going to do the exact same thing because Amy is so not used to telling her truth. She’s so trained to avoid confrontation that she now has to retrain her body and she’s gonna get hives in. Her stomach is going to flutter. And the same thing’s gonna happen to you and I want you to expect it.

And the only way to retrain your body’s response is by having conversations and forcing yourself through that wall that your body is putting in your way, just as Amy did in that conversation. You’re going to convince yourself right before you’re about to raise your voice, right, before you’re about to say your truth, right, before you’re about to have that really difficult conversation that you feel out of control.

I’m here to tell you, you are not out of control. Your stomach may flutter, but you are not out of control. That’s a myth. So even if your body breaks out in hives, even if your stomach starts to rumble. I am here to tell you you can push through those body sensations. You can find your voice and you can have the conversation. And that’s what the work is. And that brings us to our first takeaway, as you know, the first takeaway is that in order to get control of your body, you must first understand what you do when you feel afraid.

As I’ve said before, there is a pattern there and you may not even realize it every time you’re afraid. You do the exact same thing and it’s become so automatic that it’s now a habit.

Once you see this pattern, you then have the power to change it. And if you change your response to fear, you will get control of your life. Because remember, the moment you feel afraid, you’re going to reach for control in order to quiet the fear. But that’s going to backfire in the long term, just like it has for Amy. Amy grew up in a household where her mother was on edge all the time. In her step, parents would fight and then after the conflict, they would give each other the cold shoulder and the silent treatment, not for a day, but for months.

So she became massively afraid of conflict. She’s also afraid of getting in trouble and having her mother yell at her. I mean, remember what she said to me about this? I mean, here she is describing it in the coaching session. So what is it triggering feeling like?

I need to do something that maybe I’m in trouble because I’m in control, because I haven’t controlled that situation. That’s who’s frustrated about she’s upset. So I need to try to make her feel a little bit better.

But it goes back to feeling like almost childlike because I feel like I’m I’m in trouble. So my stomach gets fluttery. The hives may come out.

So clearly, her trigger is getting in trouble, once you figure out what your trigger is, then ask yourself, what do I do when I feel afraid?

And in Amy’s case, she would ask, what do I do when I’m afraid I’m going to get in trouble for Amy? The result is I avoid conflict or being yelled at or getting in trouble by being silent.

I just don’t talk. If I don’t talk, I don’t get in trouble. Now, Amy is an extreme example of what happens when from a very young age, you’re trained to think that not talking is a way to stay in control.

She believes, OK, if I don’t talk, no one will have a reason to yell at me. I’ll be safe. And what happens when you train yourself to be silent in order to avoid conflict is you will become an adult who cannot speak your truth. You will become an adult that feels locked inside of your body. And that brings us to the second takeaway for Amy, and that is that your physical response to fear is encoded in your body, in your nervous system.

But you can change these patterns and you don’t need to let them stop you. And in fact, changing these patterns is the only way that you’re going to get control over your life and your work.

Now, for Amy, every time she felt afraid as a kid, she felt a number of physical sensations as a little girl. Her throat would start to close up and then remember the words she used that her body, it became full of armor. And then after feeling this her body, she would silence herself. And so she repeated this response. So many times I feel my throat close up. I feel the armor. Come on. Now, I silenced myself that it’s a pattern that we call a habit.

So every time she sees potential conflict, particularly at work, that makes her feel nervous. She goes, BOEM throat tight body armor. Now on silent. And this plays out for her in her whole life, but especially at work. I want to take you back into the coaching session and have you listen to something that she said to me. She actually told me why she doesn’t speak up at work. So listen closely. I don’t have a voice at work either.

What does that even mean?

I I’m in a management position, but I really don’t have any sort of management responsibilities because you don’t speak or because you’ve decided nobody listens.

Because I don’t speak and because I’m not the decision maker.

So I just try to keep the peace. Did you catch that last line? It’s so important that I want to repeat it again, because I bet you do this in some area of your life. I don’t speak. I just try to keep the peace. In order to avoid conflict and keep the peace. Amy, stay silent. And you know what that actually means? It means that she believes that her voice doesn’t matter what Amy needs to recognize and so do you, is that if you automatically go silent because it’s a habit, you’re going to have to force yourself to speak up even though your body freezes.

Remember what she said after the coaching session in The Recap? She went and spoke to her boss’s boss. My neck broke out in hives and my stomach was fluttering, but I felt fantastic after I did it. And that’s gonna be the same thing for you because your body remembers what it felt like to be afraid. But you’re going to feel fantastic after you break through that pattern and you discover your voice.

And that’s gonna be the same thing for you because your body remembers what it felt like to be afraid. So it’s going to want you to repeat the pattern you’ve always repeated. Your body’s trying to signal you, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a moment conflict. Stay silent. So when you feel your throat tighten, that’s a physical feeling of silencing yourself. And maybe it’s not your throat that tightens like Amy does, but maybe your body has some other response.

Maybe your face flushes or your armpit sweater. You start to tear up or your cheeks get bright red, whatever it is. We talked about this in Heather’s session. You probably recall about how she would start to tear up. And it’s so important that we are talking about it now, again, especially because of how vividly Amy described the body sensations of fear in her session. So when you go to raise your voice and you’re going to push past the fear that triggers you to silence yourself, I want you to expect those body sensations.

They’re going to rise to the surface. And that’s normal. It’s normal because it’s encoded in your nervous system. And if you let those feelings derail you and be the reason that you don’t speak up, you are never going to take control of your life.

The moment you speak up, you will feel that resistance and revolt and discomfort in your body, but it’s going to disappear, I swear to you it’s gonna disappear because your body is gonna be learning a new pattern, which is the pattern of speaking up, the pattern of raising your voice. The pattern of telling your truth.

I know this sounds kind of simple, and I’m saying it over and over and over again, but the reason why is because it’s really important for you to understand this, particularly for those of you that silence yourself. This is a very, very difficult and scary pattern to break because it feels terrifying the moment that you speak up. And if you’ve read the book that I wrote about the five second rule, you’re going to understand that in between that instinct to speak up, to walk into your boss’s boss’s office, to turn your colleague and say, what’s wrong?

Why are you being so passive with mayor? No, no, no, I can’t do that work. I’ve got all this work to do, whatever it is that you need to speak up about, whether it’s asking for a raise, the instinct to speak up in between.

The moment that, you know, you should, there exists a five second window before those excuses and those fears. That nervous system is going to kick in and try to stop you in this five second window is critical to know about because it’s the window between you and you deciding to break the pattern of silence or your excuses stopping you. And let me tell you something. The moment you walk into your boss’s boss’s office to ask for a raise, you’re gonna feel uncomfortable the moment you have a conversation with your colleagues about how you want to be respected and and balancing out the workload, you’re gonna be uncomfortable the moment that you start speaking up more in meetings.

You’re gonna be uncomfortable the moment that you say, I’m leaving this job, you’re gonna be uncomfortable. The moment you go in for an interview, you’re gonna be uncomfortable. And then you know what happens within five seconds. Five, four, three, two, one.

Your body will start to settle down. The second you start speaking and the more that you do this, the more that you speak up, the more that your confidence is going to increase. And that’s why the five second rule on this method of counting, five, four, three, two, one, and then speaking up is so effective because it’s a tool that helps you change your response to fear. And once you change your response from staying silent to speaking up, you take control of your life.

You’ll make more money. You’ll have more fun at work because you will be taking control. Staying silent doesn’t give you control. It makes you a target.

So no matter how much your armpit sweater, your face flushes or you get hives and whether you’re afraid of talking to your boss or making a cold call or walking into the jam or starting a diet or thinking positive thoughts, all change occurs in this five second window. So I want you to feel and expect that your body is going to be angry at you and upset with you and try to signal you and I want you to speak up anyway.

Now, let’s talk about the third takeaway, and it’s about being a chameleon. Amy is hiding in plain sight. She knows she needs to speak up, but she’s blending in and, quote, remember keeping the peace. She’s a chameleon. Being a social chameleon is a psychological term. That means you change your personality in order to fit in.

I want to go back and play part of her coaching session where she talked about how she’s been a chameleon most of her life.

I feel like I’ve been a chameleon most of my life. I mold into my environment to the people that I’m around, the atmosphere that I’m around. I take that all in.

And as I get older, I’m losing time to be able to realize who I am, what’s truly my thoughts, my own feelings, my Billy. If you relate to the term chameleon, you try to keep the peace. You just try to blend in. Be very clear that you do it because you’re afraid of being rejected or you’re afraid of conflict. And the hardest thing for you, if you’re a chameleon, is going to be to speak up and to say what you’re actually feeling.

And it’s going to be true for you. And if you don’t do this at work, you may be doing this when you’re dating somebody. And I’m sure if you haven’t. You know, people like this that somebody starts dating somebody else and suddenly they absorb all of the habits and the interest of the person that they’re dating. And then you’re hiding right in plain sight. You know, I have a funny story about this. I used to be a chameleon and in my case, changing my personality to fit in is a very nice way to describe what I actually was doing, which was lying.

I was convinced that I wasn’t good enough. Just as me. And so I would think to myself, oh, I’ll just make a person that I think you’ll like.

I mean, think about that for a minute, because if I’m a lot more like you, if I’m a chameleon and I blend in with you and I like what you like, how could you possibly judge me?

Right. I mean, how could you judge me if I if I’m into the same things that you are and I behave just like you are and I eat what you eat and I drink what you drink.

And I did this for years. I’ve been married for 23 years. And during the very first conversation I ever had with my husband, Chris, we started talking about our interests and it was very clear that this guy was an outdoorsman. And so I became one in that moment with the chameleon has arrived. I went from being standing there in my dress to I am an outdoors woman. Now, I grew up in western Michigan and so I am a little outdoorsy and I would spend many weekends with my father on our boat with our brother and mom too.

And we would be trolling for steelhead as they become and through the channel out Muskegon Lake and into Lake Michigan. But, you know, trolling, which is basically throwing a lure over the side and driving the boat really slow and hoping that you hook into something that doesn’t sound very sexy now, does it? So I lied. I became a chameleon and I told Chris that I was a fly fisherman, and he thought that was amazing.

Being a chameleon worked right in that moment or so I thought it did. But is always catch up to you. And so does blending in. Three months later, I would find myself on a trip. No joke. To meet his best friend and his wife, who happen to be a fly fishing instructor in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. So here I am standing on a camping trip. Meeting Chris’s best friend for the first time on the shore of a river in Utah.

And I had to confront the reality that I had no idea how to put the rock together. I had no idea how to string the line. I had no idea how to even cast a fly fishing rod. Turns out lying. Being a chameleon to fit in, it doesn’t work at all. In fact, it comes back to bite you in the ass. Either it makes you miserable and you lose your identity or you get caught in a big, fat old lie like I did.

Now, I broke down in tears. I admitted the Schrade that I had been perpetuating for three months and thank gosh, Chris forgave me. Forgiving myself. It was harder. But recognizing this pattern has been a game changer. The pattern of lying, the pattern of being a chameleon, the pattern of doing whatever I need to to fit in. And I’ve been working hard to get rid of it ever since. The funny thing is I learned how to fly fish on that trip and I became so addicted to the sport, so much so that when we got married, Chris and I spent our honeymoon in Twin Bridges, Montana, so that we could go fly fishing.

Now, that’s not a ending to the story to suggest that being a chameleon actually worked. It’s really to point out something. It would have been a hell of a lot easier to just tell Chris that I grew up trolling. He wouldn’t have cared. See, nobody cares. You’re the one that cares about fitting in.

And, you know, I could have said I grew up trolling and one day I’d love to learn to fly fish, but I had to learn an important lesson in getting caught up in that lie. I was acting like a chameleon because of my desire to belong and connect with him and my fear that if I was just me, I wouldn’t.

I reached for the lie as a way to cope. I was triggered by the fear that he might not like me.

The desire to belong is so hard wired in all of us.

We spoke about it at length in Casey’s coaching session, and that’s what’s at the core of your fear of rejection and disappointment.

And in every insecurity that you have when it comes to relationships, whether it’s relationships at work or relationships that you’re trying to strike up in your personal life. So right now, I want you to ask yourself this question, what relationship are you currently acting like a chameleon? Is it with your boss like Amy or your co-workers? Or is there a friend group where you show up with a certain group of friends and suddenly you’re not yourself? You just turn into a chameleon to blend in?

Is it with your family? Every time you get together with your family, you actually, aren’t you?

You do whatever it takes just not to rock the boat or maybe with your partner. Becoming aware of what you’re doing is the first step. And then in those relationships, I want you to realize something. That it’s fear that’s triggering you to act like a chameleon. And if you change your response to fear, you’re going to get control of your life. And this is very hard to do.

If you’re like me and you believe you’re not good enough because you’re reaching for the lie in order to assume fate, control of every situation. And it’s going to require you to change your pattern of reaching for a lie, to change your pattern, of needing to fit in, to change your pattern of silencing yourself.

So the next time that you feel like you don’t belong and you’re about to tell a lie or change yourself in order to blend in, I want you to pause. Take a deep breath and tell them that you grew up trolling, not fly fishing. OK, show up as the real you. Raise your voice, be yourself. Now, I said it’s hard to do, and the reason why it’s hard to do is because you’ve reached for the lie and the chameleon for a long time.

And it feels like it’s safe. It is not safe. It’s not safe.

Because every time you reach for that lie or you reach to blend in, you invalidate who you really are.

And I say that it’s hard, not because it’s difficult or complicated. I say that it’s hard because your body remember the responses we were talking about, the tightness in your throat, the fluttering. It’s going to be there. And that’s what makes it feel hard.

But you are capable of doing this. And here’s the other thing I’m going to tell you. Just like with speaking up as you practice, as you pause, as you take a breath, as you then show up, as you and you show up authentically, even when it feels weird in your body, you are taking control every single time you do it.

And that brings me to the fourth takeaway, and that is if you feel utterly stuck, like with no clue or direction to turn to to figure out your career, I want you to revisit the concept of your inner compass. We talked about this in Dan’s coaching session, but it may not have resonated with you. When we talked about it, then it might now resonate with you as you start to realize how much you’re being a chameleon at work or how much your silencing your own voice at work and how when you start to see it, you think, oh, my gosh.

Whoa, this is making me totally rethink whether or not I even want to be doing what I’m doing right now. Maybe there’s something completely new out there for me. And there probably there could be. That’s for sure.

Particularly when you learn to listen to your inner compass. Now, going back to Dan’s story, remember, he at least knew which direction he wanted to head in. He was our first coaching session. He knew that he wanted to pursue something related to wine, Amy. She’s on the other end. She’s totally lost. And that’s cool. I don’t say that to like Bashur or anything. Lot of us feel totally lost. And I can see that she would be a great therapist.

I can see that for sure. And as you were listening, you might feel the same way.

Wow. With the personal experience growing up and all the work she’s done and getting her degrees, she’d be amazing. She’d be empathetic, but she may not see it. She may not believe it. And here’s the really important part.

It doesn’t matter what I think, doesn’t matter what you think. When it comes to Amy, the only thing that matters is what’s true for her. And that’s why it’s incredibly important for you to learn how to trust the guidance system that’s inside of you rather than waiting for somebody else to figure it out for you. It’s never going to feel right unless you figure it out and realize it’s true for you. And so if you’re like Amy and you feel trapped by your life and you don’t know how to get out, it’s the exact same thing as being in a dark forest and not being able to see which direction to head in.

And there’s nothing scarier than feeling lost and spinning around and not knowing what direction to head in. I remember there have been a couple of times where Chris and I have been out, particularly in the Appalachian Trail hiking, and he was either ahead of me or, you know, I was ahead of him, but I wasn’t paying attention. And suddenly I would realize I had wandered off the trail and I couldn’t see a trail marker, you know, the little blaze of paint that they put on the trees.

Now, if you can’t see a trail marker from where you’re standing, the standing still help you find it. I’ll think so. What do you got to do? You got to walk. And here’s the interesting thing in that moment where you realize your lost and, you know, most of us, when we realize we’re lost. We start to think and we start to worry. And then we start to wonder, oh, my gosh, I walk forward, do I walk back?

Do I do this? Do I do that?

Holy cow. Hey. Hi. What is this? Have you. And then you start to spend but you spend in place. The interesting thing is it actually doesn’t matter what direction you walk in.

You got to wander because if you wander, if you walk forward, if you walk to the right, if you walk to the left, if you walk to the back, if you wander. Sooner or later you’re going to see some kind of marker or keran or markings of a trail or you’re going to stumble onto something that will help you find your way.

It’s true. And here’s the deal. Once you start wandering. And then you see a marker, then you move towards it.

And so you have a compass that is inside of you. Most of us just don’t know how to read it. And so the fact is, you’re never truly lost. You may feel lost. You may feel like you don’t know what direction to head and you may feel like your life is like a dark forest and you don’t know which way to go. I am telling you right now there is a compass in sight of you and I’m going to teach you how it works.

The way that it works is that it always points