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Chapter 4

DISCOVER YOUR VOICE—UNOPENED BIRTH-GIFTS

THE POWER TO discover our voice lies in the potential that was bequeathed us at birth. Latent and undeveloped, the seeds of greatness were planted. We were given magnificent “birth gifts” talents, capacities, privileges, intelligences, opportunities that would remain largely unopened except through our own decision and effort. Because of these gifts, the potential within an individual is tremendous, even infinite. We really have no idea what a person is capable of. A baby may be the most dependent creation in the universe, and yet within a few short years, it becomes the most powerful. The more we use and magnify our present talents, the more talents we are given and the greater our capacity becomes.

Let’s examine our three most important gifts

First, our freedom and power to choose;

Second, natural laws or principles, which are universal and never change; and

Third, our four intelligences/capacities physical/economic, emotional/ social, mental and spiritual. These four intelligences/capacities correspond to the four parts of our human nature symbolized by body, heart, mind and spirit.

Author Marianne Williamson beautifully expressed how oftentimes we are awed, even fearful, of our native endowments largely, I believe, because of the sense of responsibility they lay upon us:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

2 OUR FIRST BIRTH-GIFT: THE FREEDOM TO CHOOSE

For half a century I’ve been involved in the subject of this book in many different contexts all around the world. If you were to ask me what one subject, one theme, one point, seemed to have the greatest impact upon people what one great idea resonated deeper in the soul than any other if you were to ask what one ideal was most practical, most relevant, most timely, regardless of circumstances, I would answer quickly, without any reservation, and with the deepest conviction of my heart and soul, that we are free to choose. Next to life itself, the power to choose is your greatest gift. This power and freedom stand in stark contrast to the mind-set of victimism and culture of blame so prevalent in society today.

Fundamentally, we are a product of choice, not nature (genes) or nurture (upbringing, environment). Certainly genes and culture often influence very powerfully, but they do not determine.

The essence of being human is being able to direct your own life. Humans act, animals and human “robots” react. Humans can make choices based on their values. Your power to choose the direction of your life allows you to reinvent yourself, to change your future, and to powerfully influence the rest of creation. It is the one gift that enables all the gifts to be used; it is the one gift that enables us to elevate our life to higher and higher levels.

Over the years in speaking to various groups, time and again I have had people come to me and basically say, “Please tell me more of my freedom and power to choose. Please tell me again of my worth and potential, that I have no need to compare myself with others.” Many also comment that as interesting (or boring) as the speech may have been, the thing that literally electrified their souls was the internal sense of their own freedom to choose. This was so delicious to them, so exhilarating, that they could hardly ponder it long or deep enough.

This power of choice means that we are not merely a product of our past or of our genes; we are not a product of how other people treat us. They unquestionably influence us, but they do not determine us. We are self-determining through our choices. If we have given away our present to the past, do we need to give away our future also?

One of the most profound and truly life-changing experiences of my life one conceptually fundamental to my work on the 7 Habits took place while I was on a sabbatical in Hawaii. One day I was wandering leisurely around the stacks in a library. Being in a very meditative and reflective state of mind, I pulled down a book. In it I read three sentences that staggered me to the core: Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In those choices lie our growth and our happiness.

Intellectually, I had learned from many sources about our freedom to choose our response to whatever happens to us. But on that particular day, in that reflective mood, and in those relaxed circumstances, the idea of the space between whatever happens to us and our response to it hit me like a ton of bricks. Since then I have come to understand and believe that the size of the space is largely determined by our genetic or biological inheritance and by our upbringing and present circumstances.

With many who have grown up with unconditional love in supportive circumstances, the space may be very large. With others, due to various genetic and environmental influences, it may be very small. But the key point is, there is still a space there and it is in the use of that space that the opportunity to enlarge it exists. Some with a very large space, when facing adverse circumstances, may choose to cave in, thereby reducing the size of the space between stimulus and response. Others with a small space may swim upstream against powerful genetic, social and cultural currents and find their freedom expanding, their growth accelerating, and their happiness deepening. The former simply do not open this most priceless of all birthday gifts. Gradually, they become a function more of their conditions than their decisions. The latter, perhaps stumblingly and with great, sustained effort, open this priceless gift of freedom to choose and discover the force that releases almost all of the other gifts given at birth.

The maverick psychiatrist R.D. Laing captured in the words below how failing to notice that we have this space kills our ability to change. Humans alone have self-awareness. Read, think about, and then reread this quotation: An awareness of our freedom and power to choose is affirming because it can excite our sense of possibility and potential. It can also threaten, even terrify, because suddenly we’re responsible, that is, “response-able.” We become accountable. If we’ve taken shelter over the years in explaining our situation and problems in the name of past or present circumstances, it is truly terrifying to think otherwise. Suddenly, there is no excuse.

No matter what has happened, is now happening, or will happen, there is a space between those things and our responses to them. If there is even a fraction of a second between stimulus and response, that space represents our power to choose our response to any situation.

Certainly there are things that happen to us over which we have no choice. One such thing would be our genetic makeup. Though we do not choose our genes, we do have the power to choose how we respond to them. If you have a genetic predisposition to a particular disease, that doesn’t mean that you’ll necessarily get the disease. By using that self-awareness and your willpower to follow a regimen of proper exercise and nutrition and the most advanced medical wisdom, you may avoid the very illnesses or cancers that have taken your ancestors.

Those who develop increasing inner power and freedom to choose can also become what I call a transition person—one who stops unworthy tendencies from being passed on from prior generations to those that follow (your children and grandchildren).

I was recently privileged to receive the Fatherhood Award from the National Fatherhood Initiative. I was deeply moved by what one of my fellow award recipients said upon receiving the award. His first comment was that this award was a greater honor and more important to him than any award he had ever received. Although other awards were evidence of a successful career, he viewed the National Fatherhood Award he was accepting as a far greater indicator of “success.” He said, and I’m paraphrasing, “I never knew my father; my father never knew his father; but my son knows his father.” His statement truly represents one of the finest and most worthy successes in life. It indicates true greatness and success; but, more importantly, his role as a transition person will profoundly impact generation after generation in immeasurably positive ways.

You can also be a transition person in the organization you work for. For instance, you may have an absolutely awful boss. Your working circumstances may be not only unpleasant but also unjust. However, by the wise exercise of your freedom to choose, you may change those circumstances and profoundly influence your boss for good, or at least insulate yourself from obsessing or being emotionally taken over by others’ weaknesses. Remember, any time your emotional life is a function of someone else’s weaknesses, you disempower yourself and empower those weaknesses to continue to mess your life up. Again, yesterday holds tomorrow hostage.

Here’s a true story that powerfully illustrates our ability to choose. It is told firsthand by one courageous, inspiring person who learned to influence, even lead, a “bad” boss:

When I came on board as director of human resources, I heard horror stories about what my boss was like. I was actually in his office when he lost his temper with an employee. I vowed then and there never to get on my boss’s bad side. I made good on that promise. I spoke nicely to him in the hallways. I had all my reports in on time to his secretary. I made sure I wasn’t one of the last people out of the office for lunch so he wouldn’t single me out. I didn’t even want to play golf with him in case I beat him.

A short time later, I started seeing myself in all my cowardly glory. I was consumed with things on the job that I had no control over. I’d spend precious creative energy devising solutions to problems that hadn’t even happened yet. Because I was scared, I wasn’t giving the company my best effort. I wasn’t an agent of change. In fact, the only change I felt comfortable instituting was me changing to another company. I even had an interview scheduled.

Ashamed of myself, I canceled that interview and committed to focus only on those things I could truly influence for just ninety days. I began by deciding I wanted above all to create a sound relationship with my boss. We didn’t have to be best buddies, but we did have to interact like colleagues.

One day my boss came into my office. After some discussion and after swallowing and practicing the words in my head a few times, I said: “By the way, what can I be doing to help you be more effective here?” He was perplexed. “What do you mean?”

I bravely forged on. “What can I do to alleviate some of the pressure that you have in your job? It’s my job to make sure your job gets easier.” I gave him a big sort of nervous, please-don’t-think-I’m-weird smile. I’ll never forget the look on his face. That was really the beginning point of our relationship.

At first, I was asked to do just little things, things I couldn’t really screw up, like “Type this memo up for me” or “Do you mind making this call for me?” After six weeks of doing that, he came to me and said, “I understand with your background you know workers comp pretty well. Do you mind working on this aspect of insurance? Our rates are high; see what you can do.” It was the first time he had asked me to do anything that had a significant impact on the organization. I took a $250,000-a-year premium and got it reduced to $198,000. Plus I got them to waive the fee for terminating midstream on our contract by negotiating over some mishandled claims. This was an additional savings of $13,000.

Once when we had a disagreement I proved to him that it stayed behind closed doors. He didn’t hear about it later from the marketing department. I soon discovered that my ninety-day test was paying off. My relationship and influence did grow by focusing on what I could do to change the environment in which I worked. Today, the trust between my boss and me is very high, and I feel I am making a contribution here.

I challenge you to think deeply about this first gift to reflect on that space that exists between stimulus and response, and to use it wisely in enlarging your freedoms and keeping yourself constantly growing, learning and contributing. Eventually, your exercise of that power will enlarge the response until the very nature of your responses will begin to shape the stimuli. You literally create the world in which you live. The great American philosopher-psychologist William James consistently taught that when we change our thinking we change our lives.

OUR SECOND BIRTH-GIFT: NATURAL LAWS OR PRINCIPLES

We’ve been discussing the wise use of the space between stimulus and response, our freedom to choose. What does this “wise use” mean? Where is wisdom? Basically, it means to live by principles or natural laws rather than going along with today’s culture of quick fix.

Once Einstein saw the needle of a compass at the age of four, he always understood that there had to be “something behind things, something deeply hidden.” This also pertains to every other realm of life. Principles are universal that is, they transcend culture and geography. They’re also timeless, they never change principles such as fairness, kindness, respect, honesty, integrity, service, contribution. Different cultures may translate these principles into different practices and over time may even totally obscure these principles through the wrongful use of freedom. Nevertheless, they are present. Like the law of gravity, they operate constantly.

Another thing I’ve discovered is that these principles are inarguable. That is, they are self-evident. For example, you can never have enduring trust without trustworthiness. Think about it; that is a natural law.

I once served as the assistant survival instructor to a group of about thirty people. After going about twenty-four hours without any food, water or sleep, we climbed down a mountain and needed to cross a raging river to get to our food and water on the other side. There was a rope stretched from a tree on one bank to a tree on the other bank, where breakfast was available. I volunteered to go first. Thinking I was much stronger than I actually was, I started bouncing and fooling around in the middle of the rope rather than utilizing all my strength to get to the other side. When I felt my strength starting to ebb, I immediately tried to get to the other side—but the strength kept ebbing from my body. I used every technique I knew of, including visualization and willpower, but to no avail. I eventually fell into the raging waters. As I reached the shore about twenty-five yards downstream and lay there exhausted on the banks, all my students could do was cheer and laugh beautifully illustrating how “pride goeth before the fall.” The body is a natural system. It’s governed by natural law. No amount of positive mental attitude could get around the literal limits of my muscle conditioning.

I like how C.S. Lewis speaks of those who say there are no such things as universal principles:

Whenever you find a man who says he does not believe in a real Right and Wrong, you will find the same man going back on this a moment later. He may break his promise to you, but if you try breaking one to him he will be complaining “It’s not fair” before you can say Jack Robinson. A nation may say treaties do not matter; but then, the next minute, they spoil their case by saying that the particular treaty they want to break was an unfair one. But if treaties do not matter, and if there is no such thing as Right and Wrong in other words if there is no Law of Nature what is the difference between a fair treaty and an unfair one? Have they not let the cat out of the bag and shown that whatever they say, they really know the Law of Nature just like anyone else?

It seems, then, we are forced to believe in a real Right or Wrong. People may be sometimes mistaken about them, just as people sometimes get their sums wrong, but they are not a matter of mere taste and opinion any more than the multiplication table.

These, then, are the two points I wanted to make. First, that human beings, all over the earth, have this curious idea that they ought to behave in a certain way, and cannot really get rid of it. Secondly, that they do not in fact behave in that way. They know the Law of Nature: they break it. These two facts are the foundation of all clear thinking about ourselves and the universe we live in.5 Natural and Moral Authority

Natural authority is the dominion of natural laws. You can’t ignore natural laws, and you have no choice but to operate by them. All actions have consequences. Like it or not, when we pick up one end of the stick we pick up the other. If you jump off a ten-story building, you can’t change your mind at the fifth story. Gravity controls. That is the stamp of nature. Nature has also stamped people with the freedom and power to choose, and, therefore, they have natural authority or dominion over all of the rest of creation. Endangered species survive only by our consent. They don’t have freedom and power to choose. They lack self-awareness. They can’t reinvent themselves. They’re totally subject to humans, who, because they are self-aware, alone have freedom and power to choose and to reinvent themselves. This is natural authority.

What is moral authority? It is the principled use of our freedom and power to choose. In other words, if we follow principles in our relationships with each other, we tap into the permission of nature. Natural laws (like gravity) and principles (like respect, honesty, kindness, integrity, service and fairness) control the consequences of our choices. Just as you get bad air and bad water when you consistently violate the environment, so also is trust (the glue of relationships) destroyed when you’re consistently unkind and dishonest to people. By the principled, humble use of freedom and power, the humble person obtains moral authority with people, cultures, organizations and entire societies.

Values are social norms they’re personal, emotional, subjective and arguable. All of us have values. Even criminals have values. The question you must ask yourself is, Are your values based upon principles? In the last analysis, principles are natural laws—they’re impersonal, factual, objective and self-evident. Consequences are governed by principles, and behavior is governed by values; therefore, value principles!

People who are “star-struck” (celebrity obsessed) are an example of those whose values may not be anchored in principles. Popularity shapes their moral center. They don’t know who they are and don’t know which way “north” is. They don’t know what principles to follow because their lives are based on social values. They are torn between social awareness and self-awareness on the one hand and natural law and principles on the other. In an airplane, that’s called vertigo, where you lose all sense of reference to the ground (principles) and you become completely lost. Many people walk through life with vertigo or moral mushiness. We all see people like this. You see them in your life and in popular culture. They’ve never paid the price of getting deeply centered or of anchoring their values in changeless principles.

The key task, then, is to determine where “true north” is and then to align everything toward that. Otherwise, you’ll live with the inevitable negative consequences that follow. Again, they are inevitable because even though values control behavior, principles control the consequences of behavior. Moral authority requires the sacrifice of short-term selfish interests and the exercise of courage in subordinating social values to principles. And our conscience is the repository of those principles.

FILM: Law of the Harvest

I invite you now to view a film entitled The Law of the Harvest. You will find it by going to www.The8thHabit.com/offers and selecting The Law of the Harvest from the Films menu. In this film you will see a simple, yet powerful, illustration of how Mother Nature teaches the inescapable law of the harvest. All lasting results are produced in a sequence, are governed by principles and are grown from the inside out. As you watch the film, remember that the same is true of human nature. There is a “law of the harvest” that governs human character, human greatness and all human relationships. And it stands in stark contrast to our culture of quick-fix, victimism and blame.

OUR THIRD BIRTH-GIFT: THE FOUR INTELLIGENCES/CAPACITIES OF OUR NATURE

As expressed earlier, the four magnificent parts of our nature consist of body, mind, heart and spirit. Corresponding to these four parts are four capacities, or intelligences, that all of us possess: our physical or body intelligence (PQ), our mental intelligence (IQ), our emotional intelligence (EQ) and our spiritual intelligence (SQ). These four intelligences represent our third birth-gift.

Mental Intelligence (IQ)

When we speak of intelligence, we usually think in terms of Mental Intelligence (IQ), that is, our ability to analyze, reason, think abstractly, use language, visualize and comprehend. But this is far too narrow an interpretation of intelligence.

Physical Intelligence (PQ)

The Physical Intelligence (PQ) of the body is another kind of intelligence we are all implicitly aware of but often discount. Just think about what your body does without any conscious effort. It runs your respiratory, circulatory, nervous and other vital systems. It is constantly scanning its environment, destroying diseased cells and fighting for survival.

The human body is an incredible system—roughly 7 trillion cells with a mind-boggling level of physical and biochemical coordination necessary just to turn a page, cough, or drive a car. When you consider how little of it you have to think about, it becomes even more amazing. When was the last time you reminded your heart to beat, your lungs to expand and contract, or your digestive organs to secrete just the right chemicals at just the right time? These and a myriad of other processes are handled unconsciously for us every moment we live. Intelligence manages the whole system, much of it unconscious.

6 DOC CHILDRE AND BRUCE CRYER

Doctors are the first to acknowledge that the body heals itself. Medicine simply facilitates healing and may remove obstacles, but it can also create obstacles if it works contrary to body intelligence.

How does the body balance and harmonize the functioning of the brain, which contains the mind, with the functioning of the heart, which symbolically represents emotional intelligence? Our body is a brilliant piece of machinery that outperforms even the most advanced computer. Our capacity to act on our thoughts and feelings, and to make things happen, is unmatched by any other species in the world.

Controlled double-blind scientific laboratory studies are producing increasing evidence of the close relationship between body (physical), mind (thinking) and heart (feeling).

Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is one’s self-knowledge, self-awareness, social sensitivity, empathy and ability to communicate successfully with others. It is a sense of timing and social appropriateness, and having the courage to acknowledge weaknesses and express and respect differences. Prior to the nineties, when EQ became a hot topic, it was sometimes described as right-brain capacity, as distinguished from left-brain capacity. The left brain was considered the more analytic, the site of linear thinking, language, reasoning and logic; the right brain, the more creative, the site of intuition, sensing and holistics. The key is respecting both sides and exercising choice in developing and using their unique capacities. Combining thinking and feeling creates better balance, judgment and wisdom.

There has been a great deal of research suggesting that in the long run, emotional intelligence is a more accurate determinant of successful communications, relationships and leadership than is mental intelligence. Author and EQ authority Daniel Goleman says this: For star performance in all jobs, in every field, emotional competence is twice as important as purely cognitive abilities. For success at the highest levels, in leadership positions, emotional competence accounts for virtually the entire advantage. . . . Given that emotional competencies make up two-thirds or more of the ingredients of a standout performance, the data suggests that finding people who have these abilities, or nurturing them in existing employees, adds tremendous value to an organization’s bottom line. How much? In simple jobs like machine operators or clerks, those in the top 1 percent with emotional competency were three times more productive (by value). For jobs of medium complexity, like sales clerks, or mechanics, a single top emotional competent person was twelve times more productive (by value).8 The theory of emotional intelligence is destabilizing to people who have anchored their strategy for success on sheer mental intelligence. A person, for example, may be a ten on a ten-point IQ scale but emotionally score only a two, and not know how to relate well with others. They may compensate for this deficiency by over-relying on their intellect and borrowing strength from their formal position. But in so doing, they often exacerbate their own weaknesses and, in their interactions, the weaknesses of others as well. Then they try to intellectually rationalize their behavior.

Borrowing strength builds weakness in self, in others and in relationships.

Developing stronger emotional intelligence is one of the greatest challenges faced by parents and leaders at all levels of organizations.

Spiritual Intelligence (SQ)

The fourth intelligence is Spiritual Intelligence (SQ). Like EQ, SQ is becoming more mainstream in scientific inquiry and philosophical/ psychological discussion. Spiritual Intelligence is the central and most fundamental of all the intelligences because it becomes the source of guidance of the other three. Spiritual intelligence represents our drive for meaning and connection with the infinite.

Richard Wolman, author of Thinking with Your Soul, writes of the “spiritual” in this way:

By spiritual I mean the ancient and abiding human quest for connectedness with something larger and more trustworthy than our egos—with our own souls, with one another, with the worlds of history and nature, with the indivisible winds of the spirit, with the mystery of being alive.9 Spiritual intelligence also helps us discern true principles that are part of our conscience, which are symbolized by the compass. The compass is an excellent physical metaphor for principles, because it always points north. The key to maintaining high moral authority is to continually follow “true north” principles.

Consider this quotation by authors Danah Zohar and Ian Marshall in SQ: Connecting with Our Spiritual Intelligence:

Unlike IQ, which computers have, and EQ, which exists in higher mammals, SQ is uniquely human and the most fundamental of the three. It is linked to humanity’s need for meaning, an issue very much at the forefront of people’s minds.

SQ is what we use to develop our longing and capacity for meaning, vision, and value. It allows us to dream and to strive. It underlies the things we believe in and the role our beliefs and values play in the actions we take. It is, in essence, what makes us human.