فصل 10

10

Days passed. Hélène and I went about our daily business like two actors. From afar perhaps we looked as we always had, but each of us floundered in a growing unease. Neither of us talked about what had happened. I slept little, sometimes only two hours a night. I struggled to eat. My stomach coiled itself tightly around my fear even as the rest of me threatened to unravel.

I returned compulsively to the events of that fateful evening, berating myself for my naïvety, my stupidity, my pride. For it must have been pride that had brought me to this. If I had pretended to enjoy the Kommandants attentions, if I had imitated my own portrait, I might have won his admiration. I might have saved my husband. Would that have been such a terrible thing to do? Instead I had held on to this ridiculous notion that by allowing myself to become a thing, a vessel, I was somehow lessening my infidelity. I was somehow being true to us. As if that could make any difference to Édouard.

Each day I waited, heart in mouth, and watched silently as the officers filed in and the Kommandant wasnt with them. I was afraid to see him, but I was more afraid of his absence and what it might mean. One night, Hélène plucked up the courage to ask the officer with the salt-and-pepper moustache where he was, but he just waved a hand and said he was too busy. My sisters eyes met mine and I knew that was no comfort to either of us.

I watched Hélène and felt cowed by the weight of my guilt. Every time she glanced at the children I knew she was wondering what would become of them. Once, I saw her talking quietly to the mayor, and I thought I heard her asking him to take them, if anything happened to her. I say this because he looked appalled, as if he were astonished that she should even think such a thing. I saw the new lines of strain as they threaded their way around her eyes and jaw, and knew that they were my doing.

The smaller children seemed oblivious to our private fears. Jean and Mimi played as they always had, whining and complaining of cold or each others minor transgressions. Hunger made them fractious. I dared not take the smallest scrap from the German supplies now, but it was hard telling them no. Aurélien was again locked in his own unhappiness. He ate silently, and spoke to neither of us. I wondered if he had been fighting again at school, but I was too preoccupied to give it further thought. Édith knew, though. She had the sensitivity of a divining rod. She stuck to my side at all times. At night she slept with my nightgown clenched in her right hand, and when I woke her big dark eyes would be fixed on my face. When I caught sight of my reflection, my face was haggard, unrecognizable even to myself.

News filtered through of two more towns taken by the Germans to the north-east. Our rations grew smaller. Each day seemed longer than the last. I served and cleaned and cooked but my thoughts were chaotic with exhaustion. Perhaps the Kommandant simply wouldnt appear. Perhaps his shame at what had happened between us meant he couldnt face seeing me. Perhaps he, too, felt guilt. Perhaps he was dead. Perhaps Édouard would walk through the door. Perhaps the war would end tomorrow. At this point I would usually have to sit down and take a breath.

Go upstairs and get some sleep, Hélène would murmur. I wondered if she hated me. I would have found it hard not to, if I were her.

Twice I returned to my hidden letters, from the months before we had become a German territory. I read Édouards words, about the friends he had made, their paltry rations, their good spirits, and it was like listening to a ghost. I read his words of tenderness to me, his promise that he would be with me soon, that I occupied his every waking thought.

I do this for France but, more selfishly, I do it for us, so that I may travel back across a Free France to my wife. The comforts of home our studio, coffee in the Bar du Lyons, our afternoons curled up in bed, you passing me pieces of peeled orange … Things that were domestic mundanity have now taken on the glowing hues of treasure. Do you know how much I long to bring you coffee? To watch you brush your hair? Do you know how I long to watch you laughing on the other side of the table, and know that I am the cause of your happiness? I bring out these memories to console myself, to remind me why I am here. Stay safe for me. Know that I remain

Your devoted husband.

I read his words and now there was an extra reason to wonder whether I would ever hear them again.

I was down in the cellar, changing one of the casks of ale, when I heard footsteps on the flagstones. Hélènes silhouette appeared in the doorway, blocking out the light.

The mayor is here. He says the Germans are coming for you.

My heart stopped.

She ran to the dividing wall, and began pulling the loose bricks from their placements. Go on – you can get out through next door if you hurry. She pulled them out, her hands scrabbling in her haste. When she had created a hole about the width of a small barrel, she turned to me. She glanced down at her hands, wrenched off her wedding ring and handed it to me, before pulling her shawl from her shoulders. Take this. Go now. Ill hold them up. But hurry, Sophie, theyre coming across the square.

I looked down at the ring in my palm. I cant, I said.

Why not?

What if he keeps his side of the deal?

Herr Kommandant? Deal? How on earth can he be keeping his side of the deal? They are coming for you, Sophie! They are coming to punish you, to imprison you in a camp. You have gravely offended him! They are coming to send you away!

But think about it, Hélène. If he wanted to punish me, he would have had me shot or paraded through the streets. He would have done to me what he did to Liliane Béthune.

And risk revealing what he was punishing you for? Have you taken leave of your senses?

No. My thoughts had begun to clear. He has had time to consider his temper and he is sending me to Édouard. I know it.

She pushed me towards the hole. This is not you talking, Sophie. It is lack of sleep, your fears, a mania … You will come to your senses soon. But you need to go now. The mayor says to go to Madame Poilâne so that you can stay in the barn with the false floor tonight. Ill try and send word to you later.

I shook off her arm. No … no. Dont you see? The Kommandant cannot possibly bring Édouard back here, not without making it obvious what he has done. But if he sends me away, with Édouard, he can free us both.

Sophie! Enough talking now!

I kept my side of the deal.

GO!

No. We stared at each other in the near dark. Im not going.

I reached for her hand and placed the ring in it, closing her fingers around it. I repeated quietly, Im not going.

Hélènes face crumpled. You cannot let them take you, Sophie. This is insanity. They are sending you to a prison camp! Do you hear me? A camp! The very thing you said would kill Édouard!

But I barely heard her. I straightened up, and let out a breath. I felt strangely relieved. If they were coming only for me, Hélène was safe, the children too.

I was right about him all along, I am sure. He has thought about it all, in the light of day, and he knows I tried, despite everything, to keep to my side of things. He is an honourable man. He said we were friends.

My sister was crying now. Please, Sophie, please dont do this. You dont know your own mind. You still have time – She tried to block my path, but I pushed past her and began to walk up the stairs.

They were already in the entrance to the bar when I emerged, two of them in uniform. The bar was silent and twenty pairs of eyes landed on me. I could see old René, his hand trembling on the edge of the table, Mesdames Louvier and Durant talking in hushed voices. The mayor was with one of the officers, gesticulating wildly, trying to convince him to change his mind, that there must have been some mistake.

It is the orders of the Kommandant, the officer said.

But she has done nothing! This is a travesty!

Courage, Sophie, someone shouted.

I felt as if I were in a dream. Time seemed to slow, the voices fading around me.

One of the officers beckoned me forwards and I stepped outside. The suns watery light flooded the square. There were people standing on the street, waiting to see the cause of the commotion in the bar. I stopped for a moment and gazed around me, blinking in the daylight after the gloom of the cellar. Everything seemed suddenly crystalline, redrawn in a finer, brighter image, as if it were imprinting itself on my memory. The priest was standing outside the post office, and he crossed himself when he saw the vehicle they had sent to take me away. It was, I realized, the one that had transported those women to the barracks. That night seemed an age ago.

The mayor was shouting We will not allow this! I want to register an official complaint! This is the limit! I will not let you take this girl without speaking to the Kommandant first!

These are his orders.

A small group of older people were beginning to surround the men, as if to form a barrier.

You cannot persecute innocent women! Madame Louvier was declaiming. You take over her home, make her your servant, and now you would imprison her? For no reason?

Sophie. Here. My sister reappeared at my shoulder. At least take your things. She thrust a canvas bag at me. It overflowed with belongings she had hurriedly stuffed into it. Just stay safe. Do you hear me? Stay safe and come back to us.

The crowd was murmuring its protest. It had become a febrile, angry thing, growing in size. I glanced sideways and saw Aurélien, his face furious and flushed, standing on the pavement with Monsieur Suel. I didnt want him to get involved. If he turned on the Germans now it would be a disaster. And it was important that Hélène had an ally these next few months. I pushed my way towards him. Aurélien, you are the man of the house. You must take care of everyone when I am gone, I began, but he stopped me.

It is your own fault! he blurted out. I know what you did! I know what you did with the German!

Everything stopped. I looked at my brother, the mixture of anguish and fury on his face.

I heard you and Hélène talking. I saw you come back that night!

I registered the exchanges of glances around me. Did Aurélien Bessette just say what I think he did?

Its not what – I began. But he turned and bolted back into the bar.

A new silence fell. Auréliens accusation was repeated in murmurs to those who hadnt heard it. I registered the shock on the faces around me, and Hélènes fearful glance sideways. I was Liliane Béthune now. But without the mitigating factor of resistance. The atmosphere hardened around me tangibly.

Hélènes hand reached for mine. You should have gone, she was whispering, her voice breaking. You should have gone, Sophie … She made as if to take hold of me, but she was pulled away.

One of the Germans grabbed my arm, pushing me towards the back of the truck. Someone shouted something from the distance, but I couldnt make out whether it was a protest at the Germans or some term of abuse aimed at me. Then I heard, Putain! Putain! and flinched. He is sending me to Édouard, I told myself, when my heart felt as if it would break out of my chest. I know he is. I must have faith.

And then I heard her, her voice breaking into the silence. Sophie! A childs voice, piercing and anguished. Sophie! Sophie! Édith burst through the crowd that had gathered and hurled herself at me and clutched my leg. Dont leave. You said you wouldnt leave.

It was the most she had said aloud since she had come to us. I swallowed, my eyes filling with tears. I stooped and put my arms around her. How can I leave her? My thoughts blurred, my senses narrowing to the feel of her little hands.

And then I glanced up and saw how the German soldiers watched her, something speculative in their gaze. I reached up and smoothed her hair. Édith, you must stay with Hélène and be brave. Your maman and I will come back for you. I promise.

She didnt believe me. Her eyes were wide with fear.

Nothing bad is going to happen to me. I promise. I am going to see my husband. I tried to make her believe me, to fill my voice with certainty.

No, she said, her grip tightening. No. Please dont leave me.

My heart broke. I pleaded silently with my sister. Take her away from here. Dont let her see. Hélène prised her fingers from me. She was sobbing now. Please dont take my sister, she said to the soldiers, as she pulled Édith away. She does not know her mind. Please dont take my sister. She does not deserve this. The mayor put his arm around her shoulders, his expression confused, the fight knocked out of him by Auréliens words.

I will be all right, Édith. Be strong, I called to her, above the noise. Then someone spat at me, and I saw it, a thin, vile trail, upon my sleeve. The crowd jeered. Panic filled me. Hélène? I called. Hélène?

German hands propelled me roughly into the back of the truck. I found myself in a dark interior, seated on a wooden bench. A soldier took his place opposite me, his rifle resting in the crook of his elbow. The canvas flap dropped down, and the engine fired into life. The noise swelled, and so did the sound of the crowd, as if this action had unleashed those who wished to abuse me. I wondered briefly if I could throw myself through the small gap, but then I heard, Whore! followed by Édiths thin wail, and the sharp crack of a stone as it hit the side of the truck, causing the soldier to bark out a warning. I flinched as another struck, behind where I was sitting. The German looked at me steadily. The slight smirk in his expression told me of my terrible mistake.

I sat, my hands pressed together on my bag, and began to shake. As the truck pulled away, I did not try to lift the canvas flap to see out. I did not want to feel the eyes of the town upon me. I did not want to hear their verdict. I sat on the arch of the wheel, and slowly dropped my head into my hands, murmuring, Édouard, Édouard, Édouard, to myself. And Im sorry. Im not sure who I was apologizing to.

Only when I reached the outskirts of the town did I dare to look up. Through the flapping gap in the canvas, I could just see the red sign of Le Coq Rouge glinting in the winter sun, and the bright blue of Édiths dress on the edge of the crowd. It grew smaller and smaller until finally, like the town, it disappeared.