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2

GETTING NOTICED BEFORE A WORD IS SPOKEN

You never get a second chance to make a good first impression.

—WILL ROGERS

Perhaps you were fortunate enough as a child to spend a lazy summer evening watching nature’s light show. Maybe you even grabbed a Mason jar from the kitchen and tried to capture the pinpoints of luminescence that appeared and disappeared in the gathering darkness, moving like tiny lanterns adrift on a gentle breeze.

Fireflies are one of earth’s most fascinating creatures. For our purposes, how fireflies light up isn’t really that relevant; you’d need to be half biologist and half physicist to understand the process. What is interesting is why they light up.

It turns out fireflies light up for a number of reasons. Some scientists believe their flashing is a warning to potential predators that they taste bitter and would make a lousy meal. How the predators would leap to that conclusion (leap is a good word, since frogs seem to devour them in serious numbers) is not explained. Others point to the fact that different species of fireflies have different flash patterns that help them identify members of their own species and also determine the sex of the flasher. The reason that is of interest here involves the firefly’s use of light as a mating signal. Here “flashing” takes on a whole new meaning. It has been determined that male fireflies have specific flash patterns that are used to attract their female counterparts. In case you need a conversation starter, it might interest you that Marc Brown observed that “higher male flash rates, as well as increased flash intensity, have been shown to be more attractive to females in two different firefly species.”

FIREFLIES AND FRIENDS

The behavior of the firefly is a great metaphor for how to be more attractive to other people and predispose them to see us as potential friends. Because people often see you before they hear you, the nonverbal signals you send them can influence their opinion. This is particularly true when you are meeting a person for the first time and that individual has no prior knowledge of you. Like the firefly, you can transmit “friend” or “foe” signals to individuals around you in an attempt to encourage or discourage interaction. Or you can “turn your light off” and remain relatively anonymous.

Remember that in any setting where two or more strangers are in line-of-sight proximity to each other, there is the chance that one person will observe the other. What he or she sees will be automatically processed by the observer’s brain for potential “friend” or “foe” signals. In most cases, that’s as far as it goes because the person’s visual appearance is “neutral,” and the brain, assessing the person as neither a threat nor an opportunity, chooses to dismiss it entirely. Think of it like a person trying to hail a cab in New York City. As dozens of cabs move along the street the individual’s attention is on the dome light atop the taxi. If the light is off, it is quickly ignored, but if the light is on, the person’s attention and actions are directed to that specific vehicle.

I am sure that at some point you have been a part of a group of guys or a group of girls who have gone to a nightclub, bar, or some other public gathering place to try to meet members of the opposite sex. Ever notice how some people seem to attract attention while others are hardly noticed? Sometimes it is because of differences in physical attractiveness or outward manifestations of wealth, but, just as often, if not more often, it is because the “popular” person is sending out “friend” signals that gets them moved from the “neutral” (stranger) point on the friend-foe continuum toward the positive (friend) point on the continuum, increasing the chances of social interaction.

Remember, our brains are continually scanning the environment for friend or foe signals. People who give off foe signals are perceived as a threat to be avoided. People who transmit friend signals are viewed as nonthreatening and approachable. When you meet people, especially for the first time, ensure that you send the right nonverbal cues that allow others to see you in a positive rather than neutral or negative light.

THE “BIG THREE” FRIEND SIGNALS

What exactly are these nonverbal friend signals you can use to enhance your chances of other people taking positive notice of you and laying a positive groundwork for a friendship, whether for a night or a lifetime? There are numerous signals to choose from, but, for our purposes, three critical cues are essential to use if you want to encourage others to see you as a likable person and worthy of possible friendship. They are the “eyebrow flash,” “head tilt,” and the real, as opposed to fake, “smile” (yes, the human brain can detect the difference!).

THE EYEBROW FLASH

The eyebrow flash is a quick up-and-down movement of the eyebrows that lasts for about one-sixth of a second and is used as a primary, nonverbal friend signal. As individuals approach one another they eyebrow-flash each other to send the message they don’t pose a threat. Within five to six feet of meeting someone, our brains look for this signal. If the signal is present and we reciprocate, our nonverbal communication is telling the other person we are not a foe to be feared or avoided. Most people do not realize that they eyebrow flash because the gesture is almost an unconscious one. Experiment for yourself: watch individuals as they meet each other for the first time and, if possible, in subsequent interactions. When people greet people for the first time in an office or social setting, they use a verbal greeting along with the eyebrow flash. Verbal greetings could include “How are you?” “What’s up?” or “How’s it going?” The second time people see each other, they don’t have to say anything, but they do exchange eyebrow flashes, or in the case of males, display chin juts. A chin jut is a forward and slightly upward movement of the chin. The next time you meet someone, pay close attention to what you do and to what the other person does. You will be amazed at the flurry of nonverbal activity that takes place when people meet. You will be even more amazed that you went through your entire life and never recognized the nonverbal cues you have displayed.

Eyebrow flashes can be sent over long distances. If you are interested in meeting someone who is across a crowded room, send an eyebrow flash and watch for a return signal. If a reciprocating eyebrow flash is sent, further involvement is possible. No return signal could indicate a lack of interest. Therefore, you can use eyebrow flashes as a kind of early warning system to help you determine if the person you are interested in is interested in you. The lack of a return eyebrow flash might save you from an awkward moment, or outright rejection, and indicate that your best course of action is to look elsewhere for a more receptive individual to approach.

A natural eyebrow flash. In real-life situations, it doesn’t appear so exaggerated because it occurs very quickly . . . thus the term eyebrow flash.

If you are still interested in meeting someone who doesn’t reciprocate your eyebrow flash, it doesn’t guarantee that person is “off-limits” but you might want to use (and look for) other friend signals before you decide to actually try to meet that individual.

“Friendly” eyebrow flashes involve brief eye contact with other persons, particularly if you don’t know the person or are a passing acquaintance. Prolonged eye contact between two people indicates intense emotion, and is either an act of love or hostility. Prolonged eye contact (“staring”) is so disturbing that in normal social encounters we avoid eye contact lasting more than a second or two. Among a crowd of strangers in a public setting, eye contact will generally last only a fraction of a second, and most people will avoid making any eye contact at all.

Not all eyebrow flashes are friend signals. An example of an “unnatural” eyebrow flash is pictured on the next page. In real time, an unnatural eyebrow flash occurs when a person displays an eyebrow flash with extended “hang time” of the upward movement of the eyebrows. An unnatural eyebrow flash will be perceived as unfriendly at best and creepy at worst. If you see or display an unnatural eyebrow flash, it will be perceived as a foe signal and, like the urban scowl, will not be conducive to social interaction or making friends.

THE HEAD TILT

A head tilt to the right or to the left is a nonthreatening gesture. The tilted head exposes one of the carotid arteries, which are positioned on either side of the neck. The carotid arteries are the pathways that supply the brain with oxygenated blood. Severing either carotid artery causes death within minutes. People who feel threatened protect their carotid arteries by tucking their neck into their shoulders. People expose their carotid arteries when they meet people who do not pose a threat.

Unnatural Eyebrow Flash

A head tilt is a strong friend signal. People who tilt their heads when they interact with others are seen as more trustworthy and more attractive. Women see men who approach them with their head slightly canted to one side or the other as more handsome. Likewise, men see women who tilt their heads as more attractive. Furthermore, people who tilt their heads toward the person they are talking with are seen as more friendly, kind, and honest as compared with individuals whose heads remain upright when they talk.

Head tilts

Women tilt their heads more often than men do. Men tend to communicate with their heads upright to present themselves as more dominant. This gesture in the business world may be an advantage; however, in a social context, the absence of head tilting could send the wrong message. In dating environments, such as nightclubs and bars, men should make a conscious effort to cant their heads to one side or the other when approaching women or else they may be perceived as predators. In such cases, you might be a “heads up” guy and your intensions may be friendly, but your actions will cause women to go “on the defensive” and make meaningful contact difficult, if not impossible, to achieve.

It seems that the head tilt has universal “friend” appeal throughout the animal kingdom.

THE SMILE

A smile is a powerful “friend” signal. Smiling faces are judged to be more attractive, more likable, and less dominant. A smile portrays confidence, happiness, and enthusiasm and, most important, signals acceptance. A smile telegraphs friendliness and increases the attractiveness of the person who is smiling. The mere act of smiling will put people in a better, more receptive mood. For the most part, people smile at individuals they like and do not smile at those they do not like.

A smile releases endorphins, which give us a sense of well-being. When we smile at other people, it is very difficult for them not to smile back. This return smile causes the target of your smile to feel good about themselves, and, as we will learn in a later chapter, if you make people feel good about themselves, they will like you.

The only problem with the smile is what scientists and observant members of the general population have long recognized: There is the “real” or “genuine” smile and then there is the “fake” or “forced” smile. The “real” smile is used around people we really want to make contact with or already know and like. The fake smile, on the other hand, is often used when we are forced by social obligation or the requirements of our job to appear friendly toward another individual or group.

Can you tell which smile is the “real” smile and which one is “fake”? If you can’t, don’t de-spair. Actually, they’re both real smiles!

If you want people to like you, your smiles should be genuine. The telltale signs of a genuine smile are the upturned corners of the mouth and upward movement of the cheeks accompanied by wrinkling around the edges of the eyes. As opposed to sincere smiles, forced smiles tend to be lopsided. For right-handed people a forced smile tends to be stronger on the right side of the face, and for left-handed people, it tends to be stronger on the left. Fake smiles also lack synchrony. They begin later than real smiles and taper off in an irregular manner. With a real smile, the cheeks are raised, bagged skin forms under the eyes, crow’s feet appear around the corners of the eyes, and with some individuals, the nose may dip downward. In a fake smile, you can see that the corners of the mouth are not upturned and the cheeks are not uplifted to cause wrinkling around the eyes, the telltale sign of a genuine smile. Wrinkling around the eyes is often difficult to see in young people, whose skin is more elastic than older folks. Nonetheless, our brains can spot the difference between a real smile and a fake smile.

The smile on the top is fake, the expression on the top right is neutral, and the smile on the bottom is real.

SMILES FOR EFFECT

The way you smile will influence the way people perceive you and encourage or discourage friendship formation. Women in particular often use smiles to regulate the initiation of first encounters and to set the pace of the subsequent personal interactions. Men more readily approach women who smile at them. A sincere smile gives men permission to approach. A forced smile or no smile at all sends the message that a woman is not interested in a man’s overtures. Likewise, a woman can send the message that she is open to male approaches by regulating the frequency and intensity of her smile, in conjunction with other friend signals.

Learning how to produce a “real” smile at will, particularly when you don’t feel in the mood to display it, takes practice. Study the pictures in the book and think about smiles you have seen in your everyday life. Then stand in front of a mirror and actually produce fake and real smiles. It won’t be that difficult. Just think about the times you have genuinely wanted to show appreciation to someone you loved or were forced to smile at some unwanted houseguest at a family dinner or at an obnoxious business associate. Practice the real smile until it becomes automatic. Then you can choose to use it when you wish.

EYE CONTACT

Eye contact works in concert with other friend signals. Eye contact can be attempted from a distance and, therefore, like other nonverbal signals in this chapter, it is a way to get noticed before a word is spoken. Also, like the other nonverbal signals, it is designed to give the signal receiver a positive impression of you, as someone who will be perceived as a potential friend.

To send a friend signal via eye contact, pick out your person of interest and establish eye contact by holding your gaze for no longer than a second. Holding an eye gaze for longer than that can be perceived as aggression, which is a foe signal. As mentioned earlier, when you stare at someone, especially in a dating environment, you are invading his or her personal space. If you do not have permission to enter that individual’s personal space, your actions will be perceived as predatory behavior at best, creepy at worst. You should end the eye gaze with a smile. If you cannot manage a genuine smile, make sure that the corners of your mouth are upturned and wrinkle the outer edges of your eyes. A return smile indicates interest. If your person of interest meets your gaze, looks down and away briefly, and then reestablishes eye contact, you can approach this person with a high degree of confidence that your overtures will be well received.

EXTENDED EYE GAZE

Extended eye gaze is a powerful rapport builder. This nonverbal behavior should not be confused with staring. Typically, when you make contact with another person, your eyes lock for a second or less and then you break eye contact. Eye contact lasting more than a second or two will be perceived as threatening. Staring at people, especially strangers, is considered a foe signal. However, when two people know and like each other, they are permitted to make eye contact for longer than a few seconds. People who are romantically involved often stare into each other’s eyes for extended periods of time. With the following technique the power of this mutual gaze can be safely used on strangers to enhance rapport building.

After you make eye contact with your person of interest, hold your gaze for one second and then slowly turn your head, holding your gaze for another second or two. The person you are looking at will see your head turning away, giving the illusion of broken eye contact, and your actions will not be perceived as staring. This technique allows you to intensify the emotional content of your friend signal. Increased eye contact should not be used to force premature intimacy. Men often overuse this technique and sabotage potential relationships.

PUPIL DILATION

Pupil dilation expresses interest. When an individual sees another person they like, their pupils, the black portion of their eyes, expand. The wider the dilation, the more the attraction the person feels. This is obviously a cue for positive attraction, although it is difficult to spot in everyday personal interactions. Thus its value as a friend signal is very limited.

Pupil dilation is most noticeable in people with blue eyes. People who have dark eyes appear more exotic because their eyes appear to be dilated all the time. In the last century BC, Cleopatra, the most beautiful woman of her time, used atropine, a naturally occurring drug, to dilate her pupils to make herself appear more sensual. Pupil dilation can occur with changes in ambient light, so care should be taken when interpreting this autonomic response.

GETTING CONSENT TO GO TO PRISON: USING FRIEND SIGNALS TO ENCOURAGE A CONFESSION

In one particular case, while I was at the FBI, we had identified a suspected child molester. We knew of one victim, but signs pointed to many more. It was believed that the suspect used his computer to target victims. I wanted to arrest him immediately but lacked the necessary probable cause to obtain the arrest warrant.

I decided to interview the suspect to seek his consent for the FBI to examine his personal computer. If the interview had any chance of success, I had to create a nonthreatening environment, quickly build rapport, and, when the time was right, ask for consent. I invited the suspect to meet me at the FBI office. I did this to give him a sense of control (he could determine his course of action) and to demonstrate that the interview was voluntary (he wasn’t being forced to participate in the interview).

I met the suspect at the door with a manufactured eyebrow flash, a slightly tilted head, and a simulated real smile complete with crow’s feet around my eyes. Displaying real friend signals was not possible because I found the suspect’s behavior reprehensible. I warmly shook his hand and invited him into the interview room. I offered him a cup of coffee, for two reasons. First, I wanted to tap into the psychological principle of reciprocity. When people receive things, even trivial things, they feel a need to reciprocate. In exchange for coffee I wanted consent. Second, I wanted to use the suspect’s placement of the cup to determine when rapport had been established (cup placement will be discussed in a later chapter). When I handed the suspect the cup of coffee, he stated, “How could you treat me with such respect after what I did?” This was an admission, albeit a small one, even before the interview began. I was able to establish sufficient rapport with the suspect using mimicked friend signals to give the suspect the illusion that I was not a threat, but a person he could trust with a secret. A secret that put him in jail for the rest of his life.

THE BOTOX PARADOX

When it comes to friend signals, sometimes the best of intentions have unforeseen negative consequences. Consider, for example, the sad story of the aging wife who wanted to look younger and more attractive for her spouse. She decided to get Botox treatments for her face, a bit of sculpting to get the lines and wrinkles out. She couldn’t wait to show off the results to her husband.

So, what happened when he saw his “new” wife? Because the Botox paralyzes certain muscles around the eyes for about two months, she couldn’t display eyebrow flashes and full, real smiles, including the crow’s feet he was used to seeing. The woman looked more attractive but because her husband wasn’t getting the friend signals he was accustomed to, he suspected his wife didn’t love him anymore and that she had gotten the procedure to look more appealing for someone else. Unless the husband is aware of why the wife is not sending the friend signals he has come to expect, the results of trying to be pretty could turn out quite ugly!

All examples of safe touching. At the beginning of a relationship, touching should be limited to touching between the elbow and shoulder and hand to hand.

TOUCH: A FRIENDSHIP SIGNAL . . . BUT PROCEED WITH CAUTION

Touching is a powerful, subtle, and complex form of nonverbal communication. In social situations, the language of touch can be used to convey a surprising variety of messages. Different touches can be used to express agreement, affection, affiliation, or attraction, to offer support, emphasize a point, call for attention or participation, guide and direct, greet, congratulate, establish or reinforce power relations, and negotiate levels of intimacy.

For our purposes, touch is important in making friends, as studies have concluded that even the most fleeting touch can have a dramatic influence on our perceptions and relationships. Experiments have shown that even a light, brief touch on the arm during a brief social encounter between strangers has both immediate and lasting positive effects. Polite requests for help or directions, for example, produce more positive results when accompanied by a light touch on the arm.

But proceed cautiously: Even the most innocuous of touches can produce a negative reaction in the person being touched. These negative reactions include pulling the arm away, increasing distance, frowning, turning away, or other expressions of displeasure or anxiety. Negative reactions indicate that the person will be unlikely to see you as a potential friend.

Unless the individual is exceptionally shy and reserved, negative reactions to a simple arm touch probably indicate dislike or distrust. With the exception of a traditional handshake, touching another person’s hand is more personal than touching his or her arm. Hand touching serves as a barometer for romantic relationships. Movies often focus on hand touching to signal that a relationship is cold, growing, or in full bloom. If you touch a person’s hand and they pull away, even slightly, the person being touched is not yet ready to intensify the relationship. Pulling away does not necessarily signal rejection. It means that you will have to build more rapport with your person of interest before advancing the relationship. Touch acceptance signals that the person is ready for hand holding, a more intense form of touching. Interlocking of the fingers during hand holding is the most intimate form of hand holding. A risk-free way to measure the strength of a new relationship is to “accidentally” touch or brush against the hand of your person of interest. Most people will tolerate an accidental touch, even if they don’t like the person touching them, but they will unconsciously send nonverbal signals indicating the acceptance or rejection of the touch. Watch for these nonverbal displays and proceed accordingly.

ISOPRAXISM (MIRRORING THE BEHAVIOR OF ANOTHER PERSON)

Isopraxism is the fancy term for “mirroring,” a nonverbal practice that can be used to make friendship development easier and more effective. Mirroring creates a favorable impression in the mind of the person you are mirroring. When you first meet someone and want to gain their friendship, make a conscious effort to mirror their body language. If they stand with their arms crossed, you stand with your arms crossed. If they sit with their legs crossed, you sit with your legs crossed. In some situations, mirroring is impractical. A woman who is wearing a short dress or skirt cannot be expected to assume an open leg cross to mirror the person she is talking with. In this instance, cross matching will suffice. Instead of an open leg cross, a woman could assume a closed leg cross at the ankles or knees.

The other person will not consciously notice your mirroring behavior because it falls within the human baseline and the brain considers it “normal.” However, the absence of mirroring is a foe signal and the brain will take notice when two people are out of synchrony during personal interactions. The person not being mirrored may not be able to specifically articulate why they are uncomfortable, but this foe signal will trigger a defensive response, which discourages attempts at friendship.

Isopraxism (mirroring) gestures

Mirroring takes practice. Fortunately, you can rehearse mirroring in any professional or social setting. When you casually talk to a group of friends at work or in a social setting, you will notice that the members of the group will mirror one another. To practice the mirroring technique, change your stance or posture. Within a short period of time, other members of the group will mirror your posture. The first few times you do this, you may feel as though everybody in the group knows what you are doing. I can assure you they will not know. What you are experiencing is the spotlight effect described later in this chapter. Another way to practice isopraxism is to mirror random people when you meet them. After a few sessions, you will master the mirroring technique and will be able to use it as an additional tool in establishing friendships.

THE INWARD LEAN

People tend to lean toward individuals they like and distance themselves from people they don’t like. Occasionally during my FBI career, I was asked to attend embassy parties and diplomatic functions. I spent most of my time observing the other guests to determine which relationships were well established, which relationships were developing, and which guests were receptive to relationship building.

An inward lean is receptive to relationship building. Inward leaning between people conversing indicates a positive relationship has already been established. Inward leaning in association with other friend signals such as smiles, head nodding, head tilts, whispering, and touching indicates an even closer relationship between the parties involved.

People tilt their heads slightly backward to increase distance from another person, which signals that relationship building is not going well. The same thing applies when individuals turn their torsos away from another person during interaction. People will also reposition their feet away from unwanted visitors. These subtle, nonverbal cues can mean the difference between acceptance and rejection.

I often use nonverbal signals to monitor the effectiveness of my lectures. Students who are interested in the material will lean forward in their seats, tilt their heads to the right or the left, and periodically nod their heads in agreement. Students who are not interested, or who have lost interest, will lean back in their seats, roll their eyes, or in extreme circumstances, tilt their heads backward or forward as they doze off.

This focus on nonverbal cues can also be used in business settings. If you are making a sales pitch to a group of people, you can learn who you have won over, who is on the fence, or who is in opposition by monitoring the nonverbal gestures displayed by your audience.

THE TABLES ARE TURNED . . . OR TURN THOSE WHO ARE AT THE TABLE

Back in my days at the FBI, I had to do many presentations. In one particular presentation I was trying to obtain the necessary funds for an operation that I had been planning for months. The operation was complex and somewhat expensive. Getting funding came down to convincing the people at the meeting that the benefit from the operation was worth the amount of resources expended.

As I made my presentation, I monitored the nonverbal displays of the people who were sitting around the table. I immediately identified the ones who were on my side. They were leaning forward and occasionally nodding their heads. I also identified those who were skeptical about the merits of the operation or the expenditure of resources. My immediate inclination was to talk to the people who agreed with me (preaching to the choir) because I would find acceptance and comfort from those people who thought the same way I did. I resisted this temptation. I didn’t have to convince the people who I had already won over. I had to win over those people who did not agree with me.

I focused my attention on them. On several occasions, I walked around the room moving closer to my detractors, looked directly at them, and made personal appeals. Ever so slowly, I could see that the tide was turning. Those individuals originally aligned against me began leaning forward by increments and their heads tilted more and more to either side.

After my presentation, I received approval for my operation. Monitoring nonverbal cues and knowing what they meant gave me an enormous advantage in presenting my case. I was able to tailor my presentation to the people who disagreed with me and win them over.

WHISPERING

Whispering is an intimate behavior and positive friend signal. Not every­one can whisper in your ear with impunity. When you see whispering taking place between two individuals, you can be relatively certain a close personal relationship exists.

FOOD FORKING

Imagine sitting in a restaurant and some stranger comes over to your table and picks food off your plate with a fork! You would certainly feel uneasy, and be most unlikely to ask the individual to join you for dinner. Now imagine you are having a pleasant meal with your family and a son or sister reaches over and picks a piece of food off your plate with a fork. The probability is your reaction would be radically different from when the stranger did the same thing. The difference is that you have a close relationship with your family members and, under these conditions, food forking is considered appropriate. Food forking, then, is a friend signal and, if permitted, indicates a close relationship between the person possessing the food and the person reaching for it.

EXPRESSIVE GESTURES

The amount and intensity of gestures people use vary from one culture to another and even within cultures. Some people are naturally more expressive than others, even in more socially restrained cultures. Nonetheless, people who like one another tend to display more expressive gestures. Expressive gestures signal interest in what the other person is saying and keeps the focus of the conversation on the speaker.

Speakers can emphasize a point with a sharp downward movement of the hand at the end of a sentence, or express openness and sincerity with extended open palms. Expressive gestures reinforce verbal communication and mutual interest.

You can encourage potential friends to continue speaking (and like you more because of it) by additional head nodding, smiles, and focused attention (when you lean forward, cock your head slightly and appear to be listening intensely to what is being said). Be aware that nonverbal gestures can also signal discomfort, dislike, or disinterest.

HEAD NODDING

One way we signal to a speaker that we are engaged with them and that they should continue is with a head nod. It tells the speaker to keep talking. A double nod tells the speaker to increase the tempo of the speech. Multiple head nods or a single slow nod tend to cause a disruption in the speakers cadence. Excessive head nodding can rush a response. Rapid head nodding sends a nonverbal cue for the speaker to hurry his or her response, usually because the listener wants to say something or is disinterested. Inappropriate rapid head nodding can be perceived as rude behavior or an attempt to dominate the conversation. This behavior takes the focus off the speaker and turns the spotlight onto the listener, which is a clear violation of the Golden Rule of Friendship, and will be discussed in the next chapter. Used correctly, head nodding allows the speaker to fully express his or her thoughts in a satisfying manner. If you use appropriate head nods, you will be perceived as a good listener, and viewed in a positive light.

VERBAL NUDGES

Verbal nudges reinforce head nodding and encourage the speaker to continue talking. Verbal nudges consist of speech confirmation indicators such as “I see” and “Go on” plus word fillers such as “Ummm” and “Uh-huh.” Verbal nudges let the speaker know that you are not only listening but are also validating the speaker’s message with verbal confirmation.

FOCUSED ATTENTION

Don’t let distractions interrupt your attentive listening to the speaker. You want to send the message that what the speaker is saying is important to you. That message will ring hollow if you answer your cell phone and put the speaker on hold. If your cell phone rings while you are in a conversation, fight the urge to answer. For reasons unknown, most people feel compelled to answer a ringing phone. Just because your cell is ringing doesn’t mean you are obligated to answer it. Rarely are telephone calls urgent. If no message is left, that is clearly the case. And if a message is left, you can listen to it, usually in a matter of minutes, once your conversation has finished. Even in today’s tech-savvy world, texting and answering telephone calls during a conversation is disrespectful.

The best way to handle a ringing phone is to take it out of your pocket or purse, send the caller to voice mail, put it back into your pocket or purse, and return your attention to the speaker. This action sends a deliberate message to the speaker that he or she is more important than a telephone call and they have your undivided attention. Plus, you will make a positive impression on them . . . making any relationship easier to achieve.

SEVEN TIPS TO GET HIGHER TIPS

Getting people to like you, even for a onetime encounter, can be beneficial. You are more likely to have complaints addressed properly, you are more likely to get people to assist you, even when they don’t have to go the extra mile, and—if you’re a waiter or waitress—you can predispose people to show their appreciation for personal service in the form of higher tips.

The key to receiving higher tips is to create an environment that pre­disposes customers to like the server.

Tip 1: Lightly Touch Customers (Female Servers)

Research shows that female servers who touch customers, male or female, lightly on the shoulder, hand, or arm receive higher tips than from customers who are not touched. Males, in particular, drank more alcohol than customers who were not touched, creating more opportunities to tip the server. Touch when interpreted properly produces a feeling of friendliness and, therefore, pre­disposes customers to tip more generously.

A word of warning: Touching can have a negative effect if it is perceived as flirtatious or dominating and could reduce the amount of tips rather than increase them. Female servers should be careful when touching male customers who are in the company of involved females because any touching could produce jealousy.

Tip 2: Wear Something in Your Hair (Female Servers)

Female servers who wear ornamentation in their hair such as flowers, real or fake, barrettes, or other similar objects receive higher tips from both male and female customers. One explanation for this finding is that customers may perceive servers who wear ornaments in their hair as more attractive, which thus predisposes customers to give higher tips. Interestingly, attractiveness has no effect on tip amounts for male servers from either male or female customers.

Now, let’s tackle the eight-hundred-pound gorilla in the room. Yes, research shows that more attractive female servers get higher tips than less attractive servers do, regardless of the level of service. Servers with larger breasts get higher tips. Servers with blond hair get higher tips. Tips increase as a server’s body size decreases. Servers who wear makeup receive higher tips from male customers but not from female customers. That is just the way it is. Enough said.

Tip 3: Introduce Yourself by Name (Male and Female Servers)

When servers introduce themselves by name, they receive higher tips. Personal introductions make the servers appear friendlier. Customers tip servers who appear friendly and likable. Servers who introduced themselves by name received an average tip of two dollars more than servers who did not. Mundanely providing customers your name is not sufficient. Your introduction should be accompanied by a wide smile as it makes you appear friendlier and more personable and thus predisposes customers to leave higher tips.

Tip 4: Create Reciprocity (Male and Female Servers)

When people receive something from somebody, they are predisposed to reciprocate. Customers who receive something, even small items, will typically reciprocate by leaving a larger tip. Servers can induce reciprocity through several techniques; even just writing “Thank you” on the back of the check will produce higher tips.

Reciprocity can also be induced in a more subtle fashion. Just prior to the time when the customers’ orders are complete, tell one of the customers that the manner in which the food was prepared was not up to your standards and that you sent the meal back to the chef to have it cooked correctly. Then apologize for the delay and, after a few minutes, serve the food as it was originally prepared. The customers perceive that you have done them a favor, although no favor was actually performed, thus predisposing the customers to reciprocate by means of a higher gratuity. Caution should be used when using this technique. You should select imperfections that do not question the taste or quality of the food or discredit the restaurant. Reciprocity can also be induced by bringing mints along with the check.

Tip 5: Repeat the Customer’s Order (Male and Female Servers)

People like people who are like them. When you repeat orders, customers subconsciously feel that you are more like them than not. People who are in good rapport mirror each other’s gestures and speech. By repeating the customers’ orders, they experience sameness with you, like you more, and tend to leave bigger tips.

Tip 6: Provide Good Service (Male and Female Servers)

At the heart of a good tip is good service. Greet customers with a warm, friendly smile, introduce yourself by name, repeat the customers’ order, refill drink glasses without being asked, and periodically check in on the customers to see if they need anything. Each customer is different and you should learn to speed-read them. Some customers want to be pampered, some customers require minimal service, and some customers just want to be left alone to enjoy their meal. The quicker you learn to read your customers, the higher your tips will be.

Tip 7: Apply the Golden Rule of Friendship

The Golden Rule of Friendship (see Chapter 3) applies to everyone: “Make the customers feel good about themselves and they will like you.” The more customers like their servers, the higher the tips they are likely to leave.

FOE SIGNALS

As you’ll recall from the beginning of the chapter, fireflies can light up as a friend signal to attract members of the opposite sex or as a foe signal to stave off would-be predators. The same is true with each of us. We have the capacity to transmit friend or foe signals to those around us. Obviously, in a book about making friends, one would hope that your focus would be on sending out friend signals and avoiding nonverbal cues that encourage others to perceive you as a foe. The problem is (as the student with the “urban scowl” discovered) we are not always aware we are sending out foe signals, oftentimes because we don’t realize what they are. When the goal is to make people you do not know view you favorably, whether it be for a onetime interaction or a lasting friendship, you want to use “firefly” tactics (nonverbal signals) to make your intentions known and predispose the targeted individual to like you. Thus, foe signals are nonverbal signals you don’t want to send or see when you attempt interactions with strangers.

If you are having trouble making friends you might want to study your gestures and facial expressions to see if you are the unwitting transmitter of any or all of the following nonverbal behaviors.

THE ELONGATED GAZE (STARE)

Eye contact, in concert with other friend signals, can have a positive impact on both parties involved as long as the gaze doesn’t last longer than a second. As pointed out earlier, gazing that continues beyond a second is often perceived as aggression, which turns the nonverbal communication into a foe signal. The human brain perceives such behavior as predatory in nature and sends a “shields up” warning to the person at the receiving end of the eye contact.

ELEVATOR EYES

Elevator eyes consist of a sweeping head-to-toe gaze. As a nonverbal gesture, it is highly offensive in fledgling relationships. This form of eye gaze is perceived as intrusive because the person doing the looking has not yet earned the right to invade personal space, which can be violated psychologically as well as physically. Invading personal space with your eyes can be perceived as being offensive, sometimes even more offensive than the physical invasion of personal space. In some cases, the behavior can also be viewed as threatening and/or aggressive, causing a defensive response from the person being looked at. In contrast, a head-to-toe gaze will be accepted or even be seen as complimentary in a close, established relationship.

THE BOYFRIEND BODY SCAN

Long before the tolerated but unpleasant full body scans became a necessity at airports around the world, they were being done by individuals using “elevator eyes” to size up persons of interest. I routinely used the full body scan when my daughter’s boyfriends would appear at the front door. I would open the door, stare deeply into the suitor’s eyes, and very slowly scan his body from head to toe. I would finish my introduction with a stern, “What do you want?” The young man would stammer and stutter to find words to say. I knew then that my message was received loud and clear. That nonverbal message was more effective than any verbal threats I could have issued.

UNCOVERED

During my post-FBI career, I trained undercover police officers in how to behave during operations to avoid being identified. Eye gaze is one of the nonverbal cues that exposes undercover officers. As stated earlier, people have to earn the right to enter your personal space physically or with their eyes. Police officers, by virtue of their authority, have the right to look into places and at people in a way normal people can’t. Have you ever been stopped in traffic at a red light next to a police car? You take sneak peeks into the officer’s car. If the officer happens to turn and meet your gaze, you quickly break eye contact and look forward again. The opposite is not true. If the police officer looks into your car and you meet his gaze, he does not break eye contact, he just continues to look. You would likely be the one who quickly breaks eye contact and hope he doesn’t find a reason to stop you. The police officer has the right to look at you and into your car by virtue of his authority; you can’t do the same thing without risking social repercussions.

The freedom to look in forbidden spaces is one of the most common nonverbal “tells” that expose undercover officers. For example, an undercover officer is assigned to go to a bar where known drug dealers hang out, to make friends with them and buy drugs. When the undercover officer walks into the bar for the first time, he will, out of habit, pause for a moment, make a slow scan of the room looking for possible threats, walk to the bar, and order a drink. The undercover officer feels comfortable invading other people’s space with his eyes (making direct eye contact) because of his authority as a law enforcement officer. The problem is that normal people don’t act this way when they enter a bar for the first time, especially a shady establishment. When people enter a bar for the first time, they typically walk directly to the bar or a table and sit down without making direct eye contact with anyone. Once they are seated and have a drink in hand, they then are permitted to take furtive looks around the bar. Conversely, people who routinely frequent the bar have earned the right to invade personal space and are permitted to look around the bar for friends when they enter. This nonverbal tell, albeit subtle, is easily picked up by criminals, who, for fear of getting caught, are very adept at reading people.

An eye roll

EYE ROLLS

Rolling your eyes at someone is a “foe signal” that discourages further interaction. It sends the message you think the individual is stupid or that his or her actions are inappropriate. If, for instance, you are in a large group and spot someone saying something you think is dumb, you might roll your eyes in response. If the person who made the comment sees you doing this, it predisposes them to respond negatively to you in any future interactions. This holds true whether you are a stranger or are known to that individual.

WATCH FOR EYE ROLL

Watching for eye rolls at meetings can be an entertaining way to pass the time, and can provide information about where people stand on specific issues. When people disagree with a comment or proposal, they will often roll their eyes when the person who made the comment or proposal turns away or looks at his or her notes. This nonverbal signal identifies who is not receptive to what is being said.

If you make a comment and catch somebody rolling their eyes, focus your attention on that person to try to convince them your idea has merit. Remember: You don’t have to spend time trying to convince the choir, the ones who are nodding their approval, leaning forward, and smiling.

SQUINTING OF THE EYES

This foe signal is not as powerful as other foe cues are, but can still have a chilling effect on personal relationships. If the squinting is due to factors such as looking into bright illumination, it might be wrongly interpreted.

FURROWED EYEBROWS

This is another common foe signal, assuming it is not due to someone being in deep concentration. This nonverbal cue is often associated with disapproval, uncertainty, or anger.

Furrowed eyebrows

FACIAL TENSION

Tightened jaw muscles, narrowing of the eyes, and furrowed eyebrows are a cluster of nonverbal foe signals that can be seen from a distance and serve as early warning indicators to alert you to the possibility that the person you are about to meet may pose a threat. Displaying foe signals makes meaningful communication difficult, especially in new relationships. Facial tension can be easily misinterpreted because people often carry over tensions from their jobs or home lives to social situations, causing new friends or even old ones to take note and become unnecessarily guarded and apprehensive.

AGGRESSIVE STANCE

A wide stance with arms akimbo (hands on hips) is a foe signal. A wide stance lowers the body’s center of gravity and is used by a person preparing for a fight. Arms akimbo widens a person’s profile in an attempt to display dominance.

ATTACK SIGNALS

People who are about to attack telegraph nonverbal signals such as clenching their fists and widening their stance for stability. A wide stance lowers the body’s center of gravity in preparation for a fight. A wide stance with arms akimbo (hands on hips) signals dominance. Arms akimbo widens a person’s profile in an attempt to display dominance. Oftentimes, an angry person’s nostrils “flare” (widen) in an attempt to enhance oxygen intake. They are also likely to give anger signs such as redness of the face. Obviously, these foe signals alert the scanning brain to potential danger and prepare the recipient of these attack signals for the “fight or flight” response, hardly a prelude to a positive friendship.

An Attack Stance

INSULTING GESTURES

Numerous gestures are offensive to others and antithetical to developing good relationships. Some of them are almost universally recognized: for example, the upraised middle finger. It is doubtful anyone intent on establishing a positive interaction with another person would transmit this gesture. The problem is that certain gestures that are “harmless” (have no negative connotation) in one culture might be highly offensive in another. Just as the same words have different meanings across different cultures, so, too, do nonverbal communications. If you note that somebody reacts negatively toward you for no “apparent” reason you might want to consider if any gesture you just made might have been perceived as offensive to them.

SCRUNCHED NOSE

Like other foe signals, a scrunched nose makes anyone observing it less likely to see you in a positive light and less open to any further overtures you send their way.

A Scrunched Nose

CLOTHING, ACCESSORIES, AND OTHER ITEMS WORN ON THE BODY

The old saying “one man’s floor is another man’s ceiling” is applicable to this particular foe signal (or cluster of signals). For example, if you’re sporting a leather jacket with a skull and crossbones, have numerous tattoos on your arms, and are wearing a spike necklace, it might be interpreted by someone who doesn’t know you as a person to avoid at all costs. In that sense, your appearance is a foe signal. On the other hand, if you happen to be at a death metal concert, the same outfit might be seen as a friend signal worthy of notice. Thus you will need to determine, using common sense, whether the way you are clothed and accessorized will likely be perceived as a friend or foe signal by a person you might want to approach. Just because someone is dressed differently than you doesn’t guarantee that your appearance will automatically be a “turnoff,” but the adage “birds of a feather flock together” should be considered when it comes to interactions between individuals with significantly different ways of adorning their bodies.

My son, Bradley, inadvertently taught me a valuable lesson about assessing people by the clothes they wear. In high school, he went through a phase where he was all about men’s fashion, which included spending every penny he earned at his part-time job after school on clothes and accessories. I accompanied Bradley to the shopping mall one day to buy a wallet. He looked at the most expensive wallets in an exclusive clothier shop. The one he bought cost $150. I was shocked. I pulled out my three-fold wallet and reminded him that my wallet only cost about $20 including tax. “No, Dad,” he replied. “It’s the details that make the difference. You can wear expensive clothes and shoes but people will know you are a ‘poser’ if you pull out a twenty-dollar, three-fold wallet.” My son eventually passed through that phase in his life and is back to wearing faded blue jeans and sweatshirts, but I still carry the lesson he taught me.

From that day forward I paid closer attention to the details. I look at stitch count in shirts. The more stitches per inch, the higher the quality of the shirt. Four-millimeter buttons are sewn on higher-quality shirts. If a man wears an expensive suit and a cheap watch, he is pretending to be someone he is not. Unshined shoes are another sign of a poser. People who engage in perception management often overlook the details, a tell that exposes who they really are.

WHO WAS THAT MASKED MAN?

Although it is usually worn by individuals who require it due to a medical condition, a face mask, particularly the “surgical” kind that covers the mouth and nose of the user, acts as a foe signal even when that is not its intended purpose.

A masked individual sends out such a powerful foe signal that one person I know used it to increase the space around him on the notoriously crowded commuter trains that service the New York City area. His modus operandi was to occupy the window seat where the aisle seat next to him was open. Then, when anyone approached the unoccupied seat, he would turn his head so that his masked mouth and nose were clearly visible. Many times the seat remained open until all other available seats in the car were taken.

And he didn’t stop there. If someone did sit next to him, he would begin to twitch and mutter under his breath. This was usually sufficient to dislodge the newly arrived seatmate. If that didn’t work, he would reach in his pocket, pull out a pill bottle that obviously was issued from a drugstore, take out a pill, lift up his mask, and pop the pill in his mouth. Very few people can sit through such an experience and remain in place.

It turns out that karma has its moments. On one particular trip, the masked individual glanced up at a man moving toward him in the aisle, shifted in his seat to be sure the stranger saw the white surgical mask on his face, and then turned back to the window. A moment later, he caught a glimpse of the stranger sitting down next to him. So he went into his twitch-and-mutter scenario. The stranger remained rooted in his chair. Finally, the masked passenger took out his trusty pill bottle and went through his pill-taking routine. The person next to him remained, without unmoving.

The masked passenger couldn’t believe his ruse had failed. He turned his head to see what kind of person could remain in such a threatening environment. What he saw was a seatmate who was now also wearing a face mask, twitching, and holding a prescription bottle in his hand! That was all he needed to see. Without any hesitation, he bolted from his window seat and moved down the aisle into the next passenger car.

TERRITORIAL (PERSONAL SPACE) INVASION

There seem to be definite consistencies in the ways humans govern the space around them, that is, the manner in which they regulate the distance between themselves and other people. The term for such spatial regulation is territoriality, and the territorial imperative is practiced by humans and lower animals alike. The underlying principle of territoriality is that many species of life desire and attempt to maintain a specified amount and quality of space for themselves. If you don’t believe that the territorial imperative exists, get on a bus or subway car occupied by only one other passenger and plop yourself down next to him. In some instances, people will tolerate an invasion of their personal space if the invasion occurs in a side-by-side encounter such as in crowded elevators or at sporting events.

“Invading” another person’s territory—whether through intrusive eye contact or actual physical closeness—is a powerful foe signal.

The purpose of using friend signals when first meeting a stranger is to encourage them to allow you into their territory without them feeling threatened or under siege. If a person you wish to meet judges you as friendly, then he or she will be more willing to allow you to enter their personal space.

Territorial boundaries are, of course, invisible and can vary from person to person and from culture to culture. For example, a person who has been physically abused will typically have a larger personal space to protect himself or herself from anyone who poses a physical threat. Similarly, an individual who has been emotionally hurt may be very cautious about who they allow into their personal space, for fear of being emotionally hurt again. In extreme cases, physically and/or emotionally abused persons build walls around themselves that are too high to climb over and too thick to penetrate in an attempt to protect themselves against any further physical or psychological pain.

Territorial boundaries are also affected by where people live. In societies where people live in close quarters, they establish smaller personal boundaries out of necessity. Conversely, people who are accustomed to wide-open spaces create larger personal spaces. Mental health can also affect personal space. Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, lived in an isolated cabin in Montana. He perceived anyone who came within half a mile of his cabin as a threat and prepared to defend himself against those who encroached on his personal space.

Because people have such wide variations in what they consider “their” territory and personal space, it is important that you take this into consideration when attempting to make friends with someone you do not know. After sending out friend signals, and receiving like signals in return, approach the individual carefully and observe their body language as you do. If the individual shows signs of stress or negative reactions, such as backing away or disapproving facial expressions, stop your forward progress and do not move closer to that person until he or she gives you verbal or nonverbal clues that they are ready for that.

People tend to be slow to yield personal territory, especially when it comes to parking spaces. When you have been driving circles in a crowded parking lot, looking for a spot, and finally see someone getting ready to leave, you immediately activate your turn signal to mark your turf. You are effectively telling other drivers to back off because this is your parking space. Now the waiting game begins. The driver who is about to pull out of the space fidgets and fiddles with various gadgets mounted on the dashboard, painstakingly taking his or her time to properly adjust the seat belt and mirrors. You ask yourself, “What’s taking this person so long to pull out?” The answer is that they are masters of their space and will not surrender it until they are good and ready. Interestingly, people leave parking spaces sooner if no one is waiting to pull in.

DOGMATIC VIEW OF TERRITORIAL FOE SIGNALS

Pets, particularly dogs, provide interesting examples of territorial behavior. For example, two people enter a friend’s house for the first time. One person is an avid dog lover and the other individual hates dogs. The dog lover immediately focuses his or her attention on the dog, looks the dog directly in the eyes, and bends down to pet the animal. To the dog lover’s surprise, the canine growls and bares its teeth. The dog hater, on the other hand, limits physical and visual contact with the dog. To the dog hater’s chagrin, the animal approaches, sniffs, and eagerly seeks his attention.

The dog’s reaction to the two strangers seems counterintuitive, but when viewed from a territorial perspective, it makes perfect sense. The dog lover violated the animal’s physical space by moving toward it and further challenged the animal by looking directly into its eyes at ground level. Both dogs and humans perceive staring as a threatening (foe signal) gesture. The dog viewed the canine lover’s presence as a threat or a potential threat; therefore, the dog presented an aggressive threat to protect its territory. With familiarity, the dog lover will eventually be accepted. Conversely, the dog hater ignored the animal and consequently posed no territorial threat. Without an actual or perceived threat, the dog became intrigued by the stranger. In an effort to satisfy natural curiosity (the same “hook” that got Vladimir to talk to me and Seagull interested in Charles, the FBI agent), the dog approached the person who hated it.

BEFORE YOU START WALKING, LET THEIR FEET DO THE TALKING

All right, you’ve got a working knowledge of friend and foe signals, and you know which ones to display and look for when dealing with strangers you want to either approach or avoid—maybe you’ve even practiced your nonverbal signals in front of a mirror. There’s one more thing to consider before you actually start speaking with anybody, and that has to do with situations where your person of interest is not alone but already interacting with others. How do you break in and start a conversation? When should you break in and begin talking?

There are times when you won’t be able to answer such questions. For example, at business meetings or social events where people are seated at tables or when they are moving about the room, seamlessly integrating into ongoing conversations can be difficult. However, if two or more people are standing together and socially interacting, then you can use foot behavior to help determine whether it is a good time to approach the group or, conversely, if it is a better idea to delay your effort to make contact. This is because observing foot positions offers clues as to which group will accept a new member and which will be reluctant or unwilling to do so.

Members of a large group who form a semicircle with their feet pointing toward the open side of the circle are signaling that they are willing to accept new members. Members of a large group who form a closed circle are signaling they are not going to be receptive to adding new individuals to their gathering.

If you see two people who are facing each other—each with their feet pointing toward the other person—they are telegraphing the message that their conversation is private. Stay away. They do not want outsiders to interrupt. On the other hand, if two people are facing each other with their feet askew, this leaves an “opening” and sends the message that they are willing to admit a new person to their group.

Feet telegraphing a private conversation.

Feet askew invites other people to join the conversation.

When three people face each other and their feet are pointed inward forming a closed circle, they are nonverbally communicating an unwillingness to accept new members.

Conversely, when three people face each other and assume a wider circle, opening up space, they are signaling they are willing to have others join their group.

Closed conversation

The members of this group are standing with their feet askew, which sends the message that they are willing to admit a new person to their group.

Your job is to identify groups that are open to new members and make your approach. Purposefully walk toward the group and display friend signals either before or during the approach. Recall that our brains are constantly scanning the environment for friend or foe cues. If you exhibit foe signals, the people in the group you are approaching are going to defend themselves against a possible threat and be hostile to your intrusion. If these same individuals see you exhibiting eyebrow flashes, head tilts, and a smile, they are going to interpret these friend signals as positive and are more likely to welcome you into their gathering.

When you reach the group you have chosen, confidently step into the empty space. Confident people are more liked than people who are not self-assured. Even if you don’t feel confident, fake it as best you can. A fine line exists between self-confidence and arrogance. Don’t cross it!

When you enter the once-empty space, listen to the conversation thread and wait for a pause before saying anything. While you are listening, you should slightly nod your head. Nodding signals approval and interest in what the other individuals are saying and also sends the message that you are confident, not arrogant. Arrogant people are typically not good listeners. The group may be willing to accept new members, but no one likes a newcomer who rudely interrupts an ongoing conversation. When a natural pause in the conversation occurs, this is your cue to introduce yourself or add to the conversation you have been listening to.

Try to find common ground with the other members of the group. Finding common ground (similar interests, backgrounds, jobs, etc.) is the quickest way to develop rapport and kick your friend-making process into high gear. Techniques to quickly build rapport will be discussed in detail in a later chapter. If you are at a trade show or conference, you have instant common ground because everybody at that event shares common interests or else they wouldn’t be there in the first place.

If common ground cannot be readily established, default to the topic of music. Almost everyone likes music. Even if people do not like the same music, the similarities and differences between music genres can foster lively and usually noncontroversial conversations. You don’t want to discuss topics that have the potential to create strong feelings and potential conflicts, as these can prove divisive and are antithetical to nurturing budding friendships.

When you see these people later in the event, call them by their names. It will mean a lot to them. How much? In the words of Dale Carnegie: “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” People like to be remembered. Remembering a person’s name assigns them value and recognition and shows that you care. Things remembered are things cherished.

CONVERSATIONAL BRIDGE-BACKS

When encountering individuals you met earlier, you can employ a conversational bridge-back. This refers to your use of portions of earlier discussions at a later time. Conversational bridge-backs can be comments, jokes, gestures, or other things unique to the earlier conversation. Using a conversational bridge-back sends the subtle message that you are not a newcomer to the person’s circle of friends and acquaintances. You are a familiar person with mutual interests. Conversational bridge-backs also allow you to pick up the friend-building process where it left off at the end of the first conversation. That, in turn, allows you to move forward in your friendship building without having to start out from scratch.

FOOT BEHAVIORAL CUES WHEN A PERSON IS ALONE

If you see a person standing alone and his or her feet are pointed toward the exit, there’s a good chance that they are thinking about leaving but haven’t yet made the move. This provides you with an opening to approach that person. Give friend signals as you approach and then make an empathic statement (discussed in the next chapter) like “Oh, I see you’re ready to leave” or “Oh, you find the party boring.” You can use such a statement because you are just describing the physical stance you have observed, which reflects that individual’s inner feelings. Or you might walk up and simply say, “Oh, I see you’re here by yourself today. What do you think of the place (or event)?” Hopefully, the person will respond to your inquiry, and you can use the response to continue the conversation and see how things go from there.

OUT OF THE FIREFLY AND INTO THE FRIENDSHIP: THE NEXT STEP

The making of a friend or foe begins at the first moment of contact, usually visual, and moves forward from there. This chapter has focused almost exclusively on the nonverbal signals we send out to others and the impact they have on personal relationships. Because people normally see us before they hear us, our nonverbal signals are like “coming attractions” or “trailers” for movies, giving the viewer advance notice of what they can expect from the main attraction and helping them decide if it’s worth their time to pursue or avoid.

DON’T BASK IN THIS SPOTLIGHT!

If you use your friend signals effectively, you will have set the stage for a successful interaction to follow. Getting another person’s attention and, at the same time, encouraging them to see you in a positive light is a critical first step on the path to making friends, but you need to be careful to not bask in the spotlight. Intentionally sending friend (or foe) signals takes practice. Subconsciously, people are very adept at transmitting these nonverbal communications. However, now that you have read about these signals and are aware of them, you will begin to notice other people sending and receiving them and, from time to time, you will catch yourself in the act of signaling others.

In order to consciously imitate the same signals you subconsciously send with ease and authenticity, you must overcome the spotlight effect. The spotlight effect triggers when you do something surreptitiously and, because you are making a conscious effort to influence people’s behavior, you think that everybody is aware of what you are doing. This, in turn, makes it difficult for you to make your behavior appear natural and appropriate, resulting in an inability to perform your actions in a convincing manner. The end result: Your actions are not believable or believed.

An example of the spotlight effect in action involves someone who lies. The liar thinks that the person he is lying to can see right through the lie, even when that individual is totally unaware of the deception. This, in turn, causes the liar to display verbal and nonverbal cues that actually indicate deception, allowing the person on the receiving end of the lie to detect the deception or, at least, become suspicious of what is being said.

The same thing happens when you first attempt to consciously imitate friend signals. You’ve been successfully sending these signals throughout your life; yet, the first few times you approach people and consciously attempt to tilt your head and display an eyebrow flash, you will think they know you’re socially awkward. The spotlight effect takes hold. This causes you to “force” the behavior—your head tilts and eyebrow flashes become awkward—and your intentions are revealed, leaving you as the victim of your own self-fulfilling prophecy . . . and a failed attempt to make a friend. If you want to avoid the spotlight effect, you first have to know of its existence.

Now you do.

THE NONVERBAL TWO-STEP

During my FBI career, I attended many conferences and parties. On one occasion, I attended a pre-conference “get-to-know-you party” with a fellow member of the Behavioral Analysis Program. The party became boring, so my friend and I amused ourselves by playing “nonverbal footrace.”

The game worked like this: We each selected partygoers who were at an equal distance from the door. The object of the game was to see who could get their selected target to cross the threshold of the door without them realizing what they were doing. We initially engaged each of our targets in casual conversation at an acceptable physical distance. Knowing that people unconsciously try to maintain a comfortable distance from the person they are talking to, we took imperceptible steps closer to our targets. As the space between us and our targets closed, they unconsciously stepped backward to maintain their personal space. We repeated this maneuver until our targets passed the doorjamb. The first person to accomplish this was declared the winner. In one instance, I backed my target into the lobby of the hotel without his conscious awareness. When he realized where he was, he exclaimed, “Whoosh! How did we get out here?” I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders.

The first step in successfully imitating friend (or foe) signals is to watch how other people naturally display these signals and, also, to monitor your own signals. When you imitate a friend signal, try to duplicate the same sensation you feel when you catch yourself automatically displaying these nonverbal communications.

A good place to hone these skills is walking down the street, in shopping malls, and in other public places. When a person approaches, tilt your head, make eye contact, and smile. Watch the person’s reaction. If the individual returns an eyebrow flash along with a smile, you have successfully transmitted a friend signal. If the person gives you a goofy look or a “get away from me, you creep” expression, you might have chosen a sourpuss or need more practice. Over time, you should see an improvement in how people respond to your friend signals. Further, with practice, you won’t have to consciously think about sending the signals or how they look; they will become automatic.

Acquiring new skills, or making old skills look authentic when we use them “in the spotlight,” takes lots of practice. While working to perfect these signals, you might become discouraged and give up for various reasons, including embarrassment, lack of immediate mastery of the new skills, or frustration. This is normal. In studying how people acquire new skills, scientists have discovered that many novices experience a period of “free fall” early in the learning experience. During this time, individuals are not comfortable using the new skills and become frustrated or embarrassed when the skills do not work as advertised. Instead of continuing to practice the skills, they give up.

Don’t you be one of those people! Persevere through this free-fall phase, confident in the knowledge that you will achieve skill mastery with time and effort. The frustration and discomfort of acquiring new skills will be well worth the effort because you will be rewarded with superior results in achieving successful relationships.

That should make smiling very easy to do, consciously or otherwise!

TO ERR IS HUMAN . . . AND MAKES THAT HUMAN MORE LIKABLE, TOO

At the beginning of my lectures, I intentionally make several mistakes that don’t damage my credibility, such as mispronouncing a word or misspelling a word on the whiteboard. The participants immediately correct my small errors. With a show of embarrassment, I graciously accept the correction and credit the participants for being attentive.

This technique accomplishes several objectives. First, the participants making the corrections feel good about themselves, which builds rapport and friendship. Second, participants are more likely to spontaneously interact during the lecture without the fear of looking stupid in front of the instructor. After all, they reason, it’s okay to make mistakes because the instructor already has made several himself. Third, minor mistakes make me look human. People like lecturers who are subject matter experts yet at the same time possess human qualities similar to the seminar participants (the Law of Similarity, discussed in Chapter 5).

OBSERVE AND LEARN

Tapping on a cell phone keyboard and having earbuds in place shuts you out of the sending or receiving of friendship signals. And the lack of personal interaction with other people reduces the opportunity for you to sharpen your social skills or learn from observing others.

Learning from others doesn’t even take much effort. All you need to do is go to a restaurant and people-watch. People feel comfortable communicating when they are eating or drinking. See if you can determine the status and intensity of relationships by observing the non­verbal signals of nearby couples.

ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

When two people walk into a restaurant you can tell if they are a couple or not by observing their nonverbal behaviors. Hand holding is a sign of romantic interest. Couples who hold hands without interlacing their fingers indicate a less intimate relationship than if they hold hands with their fingers interlaced. The following sequence of actions typically takes place after the couple sits at a table or booth: 1) the center­piece, menu stand, or condiment rack is moved to one side of the table, 2) the couple exchange eyebrow flashes, 3) the couple look at each other for a longer time than they would look at strangers, 4) they smile, 5) they tilt their heads to one side or the other, 6) they lean in toward each other, 7) they mirror each other’s posture, 8) they hold hands, 9) they freely use gestures when they communicate, 10) they whisper, or lower their voices, to signal to others that the conversation is private and intruders are not welcome, and 11) they share food. This sequence of activity may not take place in the exact order listed or may be interrupted by waitstaff, but you will observe some or all of these nonverbal cues at some point during the course of dinner.

BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS

Relationships that are strained will become obvious because the normal nonverbal cues present in a good relationship will be absent. For example, the couple will not look at each other. Their smiles are forced. One or both will often look at their plates when they speak. Heads are erect, not tilted. Their eyes are sweeping across the restaurant looking for other stimuli. They don’t mirror each other’s postures. They don’t lean toward one another; in fact, they are usually leaning backward, away from each other.

SPLIT RELATIONSHIPS

A nonverbal sequence that indicates that one member of the couple is interested in the other person but the other person is not interested in them is not hard to spot. The interested person displays all the nonverbal cues present in a romantic relationship as previously described; however, the other person is displaying negative nonverbal cues (foe signals).

The man is displaying nonverbal cues indicating interest; the female is not.

QUIET COMFORT

Couples who have spent many years together often display nonverbal cues that signal a bad or broken relationship, but this is not always the case. People who spend a long time in each other’s company are confident that the other person is committed to the relationship. They don’t need constant reminders. They are relaxed and comfortable in each other’s company without the fear of betrayal or abandonment. Watching couples interact with one another when they reach this stage in their relationship is a wonder to behold.

These same observational relationship evaluations can be made with businesspeople making deals, people trying to pick someone up, or just friends out for a casual meal or drink. The point of people-watching is to sharpen your observation skills, allowing you to become more aware of how people naturally interact with one another and enhance your ability to accurately interpret what you see. If you practice enough, your observations and skills in evaluating human behavior will become automatic, thus making you a more effective communicator.