قانون طلائی دوستی

3

THE GOLDEN RULE OF FRIENDSHIP

You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

—DALE CARNEGIE

The nonverbal friend signals you learned in the previous chapter are designed to set the stage for the start of a positive relationship with another person. They function like a comedian whose warm-up act is designed to get the audience in the right frame of mind before the headliner makes his appearance. Used correctly, these signals will make your person of interest more receptive to interacting with you, should you choose to approach and speak with them. So let’s assume you do choose to make contact with somebody. What now? You have reached your “moment of truth” with them.

MAKING YOUR “MOMENT OF TRUTH” A SUCCESS

Many years ago, a businessman named Jan Carlzon was named CEO of a struggling European airline company, Scandinavian Airlines System (SAS), and given the formidable task of making it profitable. He accomplished this objective with such speed that his feat became the focal point of management cases and literature highlighting business turnarounds.

How did he achieve such success? By giving his frontline staff the power to solve customer service problems on the spot, without having to check with their supervisors first. This greatly improved customer satisfaction, employee morale, and corporate profit . . . a win-win situation for all involved.

What was interesting about Carlzon’s philosophy and business strategy, as it relates to this book, is the importance he put on the point of contact between two individuals. In fact, he called it a “moment of truth” because it was these moments that shaped a customer’s view of the company and helped determine if they would purchase SAS services. Carlzon observed: “Last year each of our ten million customers came in contact with approximately five SAS employees. These 50 million ‘moments of truth’ are the moments that ultimately determine whether SAS will succeed or fail as a company. They are the moments when we must prove to our customers that SAS is their best alternative.”

When you meet another person for the first time, it is a defining moment of truth in how that relationship will develop. Will that person treat you like a friend or shun you like a foe? The Golden Rule of Friendship—If you want people to like you, make them feel good about ­themselves—can be a deciding factor in which side the person puts you on.

Unlike some of the techniques that will be presented later, which only become relevant when you are looking for long-term relationships rather than brief or sporadic interactions, the Golden Rule of Friendship serves as the key to all successful relationships, whether they are of short, medium, or long duration.

Do not underestimate the power and importance of this rule in making friends. As an FBI Special Agent, I was required to meet people from every station in life and convince them to provide sensitive information, become spies, or confess to a variety of crimes. The key to the successful completion of these daunting tasks was my ability to get people to not only like me but to trust me and, in many cases, trust me with their lives. The most difficult task facing new Special Agents bent on getting people to like them is developing this vital skill. Agents often approached me and asked me to teach them the techniques to get people to like them instantly. And I gave them the exact same instruction: If you want people to like you, make them feel good about themselves. You must focus your attention on the person you are befriending. It sounds easy, but it takes practice even for trained agents. If you make someone feel good about themselves, they will credit you with helping them attain that good feeling. People gravitate toward individuals who make them happy and tend to avoid people who bring them pain or discomfort.

If every time you meet a person you make them feel good about themselves, he or she will seek out every opportunity to see you again to experience those same good feelings. The stumbling block many of my fellow agents confronted in achieving this objective is the same one we all encounter: our own ego. People’s egos get in the way of practicing the Golden Rule of Friendship. Most people think the world revolves around them and they should be the center of attention. But if you want to appear friendly and attractive to others, you must forgo your ego and pay attention to the other person and his or her particular needs and circumstances. Other people will like you when you make them (not you) the focus of attention.

Think about it: It is unfortunate that we seldom use this powerful rule for making ourselves more attractive to others while, at the same time, making those individuals feel better about themselves. We are too busy focusing on ourselves and not on the people we meet. We put our wants and needs before the wants and needs of others. The irony of all this is that other people will be eager to fulfill your wants and needs if they like you.

TECHNIQUES TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES: EMPATHIC STATEMENTS

Empathic statements keep the focus of the conversation on the person you are talking with rather than on yourself. They are one of the most effective ways to make people feel good about themselves. Keeping the focus on the other person is difficult because we are, by nature, ego­centric and think the world revolves around us. Nevertheless, if every time you talk to people they feel good about themselves, you will have successfully achieved the objective of the Golden Rule of Friendship and people will like you as a result.

Empathic statements such as “You look like you are having a bad day” or “You look happy today” let people know that someone is listening to them and cares to some degree about their well-being. This kind of attention makes us feel good about ourselves and, more important, predisposes us to like the person who gave us the attention.

Empathic statements also close the discourse cycle. When a person says something, they want feedback to know if their message was received and understood. Mirroring back what a person says using parallel language closes the communication circle. People feel good about themselves when they successfully communicate a message.

Constructing empathic statements requires you to carefully listen to the other person. Concentrated listening demonstrates that you are really interested in the other person and understand what they are ­saying.

The basic formula for constructing empathic statements is “So you . . .” There are many ways to form empathic statements but this basic formula gets you in the habit of keeping the focus of the conversation on the other person and away from you. Simple empathic statements might include “So you like the way things are going today,” or “So you are having a good day.” We naturally tend to say something to the effect of “I understand how you feel.” The other person then automatically thinks, No, you don’t know how I feel because you are not me. The basic “So you . . .” formula ensures that the focus of the conversation remains on the other person. For example, you get on an elevator and see a person who is smiling and looks happy. You can naturally say, “So, things are going your way today,” mirroring back their physical nonverbal cues.

When using empathic statements to achieve the objective of the Golden Rule of Friendship, avoid repeating back word for word what the person said. Since people rarely do this, when it occurs the repetition is processed by the brain of the listener as abnormal behavior and causes a defensive reaction. This is the exact opposite effect of what you are trying to achieve by using empathic statements. Parroting another person’s statement can also sound patronizing and condescending. Don’t do it!

Empathic statements keep the focus of the conversation on the other person and make them feel good about themselves. And using empathic statements is a simple yet effective technique that will have people seeking you out to be their friend, because every time they converse with you, you make them feel good about themselves. And, best of all, people will not know you are using this technique, because they naturally think they deserve the attention and will not see your actions as being out of the ordinary (it will pass their territory scan without arousing any attention). Once you have mastered constructing empathic statements using the basic formula, you can construct more sophisticated empathic statements by dropping the “So you . . .”

BEN AND VICKI’S EMPATHIC STATEMENT ADVENTURE

Let’s look at how a conversation might work using the techniques discussed thus far. Using the standard friend signals, Ben sends a nonverbal invitation to Vicki, who is standing near the bar with several friends. Vicki nonverbally accepts Ben’s invitation. As Ben approaches Vicki, he notes that she is smiling and laughing with her friends.

BEN: Hi, my name is Ben? What’s yours?

VICKI: Hi, my name is Vicki.

BEN: So you look like you are really having fun tonight. (basic empathic statement)

VICKI: I sure am. I really needed a night out.

Once you have mastered constructing empathic statements using the basic formula, you can construct more sophisticated empathic statements by dropping the “So you . . .” Let’s revisit Ben’s conversation with Vicki using sophisticated empathic statements instead of the basic formula.

BEN: Hi, my name is Ben. What’s yours?

VICKI: Hi, my name is Vicki.

BEN: You look like you’re really having fun tonight. (sophisticated empathic statement)

VICKI: I sure am. I really need a night out.

BEN: Then you’ve been really busy lately. (sophisticated empathic statement)

VICKI: Yeah, I worked sixty hours a week for the last three weeks getting a project done.

With either approach, Ben recognized that Vicki was smiling and laughing, two physical signs that she was enjoying herself. Ben constructed an empathic statement that reflected her emotional status. Ben achieved several things. First, he communicated to Vicki that he took an interest in her feelings. Second, he focused the conversation on her. Third, Vicki’s response lets Ben know in which direction to steer the conversation. Her response, “I sure am. I really need a night out,” indicates that Vicki experienced some type of stress during the week or in the recent past. Ben does not know what that stress was, but he can construct another empathic statement to explore the reasons for her stress in a noninvasive way. By doing so, he continues to keep the focus of the conversation on Vicki and lets her know that he is still interested in her and her emotional feelings. Vicki will not recognize that Ben is using a series of empathic statements because this kind of behavior is perceived by the brain as “normal behavior” and doesn’t arouse suspicion or a defensive reaction. Further, Vicki subconsciously thinks she should be the center of attention (we all do!) and she is delighted that Ben is giving her his undivided attention. This makes her feel good about herself and increases the probability that she will like Ben, according to the Golden Rule of Friendship.

USING EMPATHIC STATEMENTS TO KEEP CONVERSATIONS GOING

Empathic statements also serve as effective conversation fillers. The awkward silence that comes when the other person stops talking and you cannot think of anything to say is devastating. When you are struggling for something to say, fall back on the empathic statement. All you have to remember is the last thing the person said and construct an empathic statement based on that information. The speaker will carry the conversation, giving you time to think of something meaningful to say. It is far better to use a series of empathic statements when you have nothing to say than to say something inappropriate. Remember: The person you are talking to will not realize that you are using empathic statements because they will be processed as “normal” by the listener’s brain and will go unnoticed.

FLATTERY/COMPLIMENTS

A fine line separates flattery from compliments. The word flattery has a more negative connotation than the term compliment. Flattery is often associated with insincere compliments used to exploit and manipulate others for selfish reasons. The purpose of compliments is to praise others and acknowledge their accomplishments. As relationships grow and develop, compliments play an ever-increasing role in the bonding of two individuals. Compliments signal that the other person is still interested in you and what you do well.

One of the pitfalls of using compliments in fledgling relationships is that you do not know the person well enough to be sincere. Insincere compliments and flattery are one and the same and will give the person receiving the false accolade a negative impression of you. After all, no one likes to feel they are being manipulated or lied to. People know what they are good at and where they are weak. If you tell someone that they are good at something and they know they aren’t, they are likely to question your motive because they recognize the discrepancy between your assessment of them and the way they really perform.

An alternate, and vastly superior, method of using compliments exists. This approach avoids the pitfalls inherent in complimenting another person and instead allows others to compliment themselves. This technique avoids the problem of appearing insincere. When people compliment themselves, sincerity is not an issue, and people rarely miss an opportunity to compliment themselves if given the opportunity (which you conveniently provide).

The key to allowing people to compliment themselves is to construct a dialogue that predisposes people to recognize their attributes or accomplishments and give themselves a silent pat on the back. When people compliment themselves, they feel good about themselves, and according to the Golden Rule of Friendship, they will like you because you provided the opportunity to make them feel good about themselves.

Referring back to Ben’s fledgling relationship with Vicki, he can set the stage for Vicki to compliment herself.

BEN: Then you’ve been really busy lately. (sophisticated empathic statement)

VICKI: Yeah, I worked sixty hours a week for the last three weeks getting a project done.

BEN: It takes a lot of dedication and determination to commit to a project of that magnitude. (a statement that provides Vicki the opportunity to compliment herself)

VICKI: (Thinking) I sacrificed a lot to get that mega project done and I did a very good job, if I may say so myself.

Note that Ben did not directly tell Vicki he thought she was a dedicated and determined person. However, it was not hard for Vicki to recognize those attributes in herself and apply them to her circumstances at work. In the event Vicki does not see herself as a dedicated and determined person, no damage will be done to the fledgling relationship. What Ben said is true regardless of Vicki’s self-assessment, so his comment at worst will go unnoticed, and at best will provide the impetus for Vicki to feel good about herself (and Ben). Based on human nature, even if Vicki was in reality not a dedicated and determined person, she would likely apply those favorable attributes to herself. Few people would admit in public, much less to themselves, that they are not dedicated, determined people.

THIRD-PARTY COMPLIMENTS

You can use a third party to compliment a person you want to ­befriend—without doing it yourself—and still get the “credit” for making the target of your compliment feel good about themselves and, by extension, feel good about you. When you directly compliment other people, particularly anybody who suspects you might want something from them (for example: your date, your boss, or a friend), they tend to discount your efforts because they suspect you are intentionally trying to influence them through flattery. A third-party compliment eliminates this skepticism.

To construct a third-party compliment you will need to find a mutual friend or acquaintance who knows both you and your person of interest. Further, you should be relatively certain that the third-party individual you choose will be likely to pass along your compliment to the person for whom it was intended. If this transmission of information is successful, the next time you meet your person of interest, he or she will see you from a positive perspective. Consider the following exchange and assume you are Mark.

MIKE: I met Mark the other day. He told me he thinks you’re really bright. In fact, he said you’re one of the most capable problem solvers he has ever met.

SONJA: Oh, really? He said that?

MIKE: That’s what he told me.

Sonja will more readily accept this compliment as related by Mike than if you (Mark) directly told her the same thing. Additionally, Mike feels free to tell Sonja exactly what you said, which you may or may not be socially allowed to say at the beginning stages of a relationship. Indirectly you, through Mike, allowed Sonja to compliment herself, which makes her feel good about herself, thus predisposing her to like you before you meet her for the first time or at the point in your relationship when she receives Mike’s third-party compliment.

CASHING IN ON THIRD-PARTY COMPLIMENTS AT WORK

Beyond the dating landscape, I found third-party compliments to be very effective in the workplace. A case in point: Money to fund operations within the FBI is competitive; consequently, not every proposal gets funded. To improve the probability that my proposals would be approved I would employ the third-party-compliment strategy.

Several weeks before my proposal was scheduled to be reviewed by the newly appointed assistant director, I sought out the most notorious gossip in the office and casually mentioned to him that it was about time our field office got an assistant director who finally knew what he was doing. I also commented that the new assistant director was a clever man with keen insights into operational strategies. For gossips, the coin of the realm is information. In their eyes, they gain value by spreading information they hear to the individuals who would have interest in hearing it. Sure enough, the boss soon heard of my comments “through the grapevine.” The assistant director was more likely to accept this compliment as sincere from a third-party individual than directly from me. Besides, I did not have access to the assistant director, as I was in the field at the time.

When the assistant director reviewed my proposals, he was pre­disposed to look at them more favorably because of his knowledge of how I viewed him. I had made him feel good about himself, a fulfillment of the Golden Rule of Friendship, and I had done it in a way that didn’t arouse his suspicions. Third-party compliments are within normal behavioral parameters and pass a person’s “territory scan” without arousing an alert. So I had nothing to lose. If my strategy failed, the downside risk was zero, because I would have lost the funding anyway. If the technique worked, the upside is successfully achieving what I wanted. As it turned out, most of my proposals were funded.

THIRD PARTY AND THE “PRIMACY EFFECT”

Words cannot change reality, but they can change how people perceive reality. Words create filters through which people view the world around them. A single word can make the difference between liking and disliking a person.

Consider this example: Your friend Calvin tells you about your new neighbor, Bill, whom you are meeting for the first time. Calvin says, “Your new neighbor, Bill, is not very trustworthy; in fact, when you shake hands, check your fingers to make sure he hasn’t taken any.” How are you going to view Bill when you first are introduced? The problem is you have already been encouraged to prejudge him as untrustworthy through what behavioral scientists refer to as the “primacy effect.” If a friend describes the person you are about to meet for the first time as untrustworthy, you will be predisposed to view that person as untrustworthy, regardless of the person’s actual level of trustworthiness. Thereafter, you will tend to view everything that person says or does as untrustworthy.

Conversely, say your friend Calvin tells you that your new neighbor, Bill, “is very friendly, gregarious, and has a great sense of humor . . . you’re going to love him.” How are you going to view Bill now? You will likely see Bill as friendly, regardless of his degree of friendliness.

Overcoming negative or positive perceptions you might have toward a specific individual because of what you were told by someone else (particularly if you respect and/or like that person) is difficult, but not impossible to achieve. The more times you meet the “untrustworthy” Bill and do not experience instances of untrustworthiness, the more likely you are to see him as trustworthy, thus overcoming the original negativity created by the primacy effect. However, you are less likely to give a person labeled “untrustworthy” a chance to prove the label wrong because your desire to see the person a second time will be reduced.

If you meet the “friendly” Bill several times and do not experience friendliness, then you will tend to excuse away the unfriendly behavior. Such excuses might include “He must be having a bad day” or “I must have caught him at a bad time.” An unfriendly person initially described as friendly gains an advantage from the primacy effect because people tend to allow the unfriendly person multiple opportunities to demonstrate friendliness despite numerous displays of unfriendly behavior.

It is precisely because the primacy effect can be so powerful that we can use it as one of our tools for shaping friendships or getting people to see us as we want to be seen. What you are doing with the primacy effect is sending a message that will predispose somebody to see someone else in a way that you want them to be perceived.

TAKING THE PRIMACY EFFECT TO THE BANK

I often employed the primacy effect during interrogations of people suspected of committing crimes. I remember one case where we were interviewing a possible bank robber. There were two of us and the suspect sitting in the interrogation room. Early in the interview, my partner excused himself, saying he had to make a telephone call. Actually, his departure was part of our plan that allowed me to be alone with the suspect so I could speak with him privately.

I told the suspect, “You’re lucky to have my partner on the job. He’s honest and fair. He’ll listen without prejudice to your side of the story.” Then I sat back, waiting for my partner to return. A few moments later, before he actually returned, I added, “The thing about my partner—I guess he can afford to be fair. The guy’s a human lie detector. I don’t know how he does it, but he knows when someone is lying. No matter what the subject is or who is talking, the man can tell if someone is being dishonest.” What I did through my last comment was to create a filter through which I wanted the suspect to view my partner. I employed the primacy effect to shape his assessment of my partner’s skills.

When my partner returned to the room, he already knew that he was to remain silent until I asked the suspect, “Did you rob the bank?” If the man said, “No,” my partner was instructed to look at the suspect like “You’ve got to be kidding” and give him a skeptical look.

So, what happened? I asked the guy, “Did you rob the bank?” and he said, “No.” My partner responded by saying, “What?” with a skeptical look. And—this is the truth—the suspect took his hand, slapped it on the table, and said, “Damn, he’s good!” and went on to confess to the crime.

BEWARE OF THE PRIMACY EFFECT IN BIASING YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR

Using the primacy effect is a great idea when you’re using it to influence others, but be aware that it can cut both ways. If you’re not careful, the primacy effect can cause you to be prejudicial in your own behavior toward others, leading to inaccurate and misleading beliefs about their behavior.

In my early days as an FBI agent, I fell victim to the primacy effect. I was given the task of interviewing a suspect who, my colleague informed me, had kidnapped a four-year-old girl. Before talking to the suspect, my thoughts were already filtered through my colleague’s statement, and by the time I actually met the man, I had already made up my mind that he was the kidnapper. Consequently, everything the suspect said or did I viewed through my “filter” as an indication of guilt . . . despite ample evidence to the contrary.

The more pressure I put on the suspect, the more nervous he became, not because he was guilty, but because I did not believe him and he thought he would go to prison for something he didn’t do. The more nervous the suspect became, the more it reinforced my initial belief that he was the kidnapper, and the more pressure I applied. It was no surprise that the interview spiraled out of control. In the end, I was embarrassed when the real kidnapper was caught.

The next time you conduct an interview, meet a new colleague, or buy a new product, think about how you came to form your opinion about that person or product. Chances are high that your opinions were formed by primacy.

The acceptance of employees who transfer from one office to another often depends on the reputation that precedes their arrival . . . just as you are convinced that the new brand of toothpaste you purchased has to be good because four out of five dentists recommended it.

The primacy effect is powerful. Use it wisely.

ASKING A FAVOR

Good old Ben Franklin, the guy on the hundred-dollar bill, observed that if he asked a colleague for a favor, the colleague liked him more than if he hadn’t made the request. This phenomenon became known as (no surprise here) the Ben Franklin effect.

At first glance, this finding seems counterintuitive. Shouldn’t you like the person more for doing you the favor than the other way around? It turns out, such is not the case. When a person does someone a favor, they feel good about themselves. The Golden Rule of Friendship states that if you make a person feel good about themselves, they will like you. Thus, asking someone to do you a favor is not all about you. It is also about the person doing you the favor.

A warning, however: Do not overuse this technique, because Ben Franklin also observed that “guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.” (As do people who ask too many favors!)

Returning to Ben’s encounter with Vicki, he can use this “ask a favor” technique during his conversation with the young woman.

BEN: It takes a lot of dedication and determination to commit to a project of that magnitude. (allowing Vicki to compliment herself)

VICKI: Yeah. (thinking) I sure am dedicated and determined. I sacrificed a lot to get that mega-project done and I did a very good job if I may say so myself.

BEN: Vicki, could you do me a favor and watch my drink while I go to the bathroom? (asks for a favor)

VICKI: Sure, no problem.

Ben addressed Vicki by her first name (recall that people like the sound of their name and the fact that someone remembers it) and then asked her to do him a small favor. These small behaviors predispose Vicki to like Ben because people who do favors for others feel good about themselves.

COMBINING FRIENDSHIP TOOLS TO ENHANCE RELATIONSHIP EFFECTIVENESS

Depending on the circumstances, you might find yourself using one or a combination of several techniques presented in this book to make a new friend. The advantage of using several techniques together is the additional friend-making power such combined techniques provide. To illustrate, consider how using the primacy effect, Friendship Formula, and third-party introduction helped our military forces make friends out of people that might well be predisposed to be wary or downright hostile toward Americans.

Winning over the hearts and minds of civilians when you are a foreigner conducting military operations in their country can be a daunting assignment. Combat soldiers on foreign soil, by the very nature of their work, are forced to adopt a strategy voiced by General James “Mad Dog” Mattis, who said, “Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet.” In other words, making friends out of potential enemies can be a trying task.

In an attempt to win over the Afghan people, I was a member of a team that was asked to “show our guys [American forces] how to be less threatening yet, at the same time, maintain their battlefield awareness.”

So how do you go about making someone appear friendly when everything they wear appears threatening (battle gear, helmets, gun belts) and they are taught to scowl (their “game face”) when dealing with the local populace? It’s no wonder that when these soldiers come into a local village the native population takes one look, sees foe signals, and goes shields up.

This is what we told the military to do: Go into the villages with the same battle gear and a readiness to defend yourself if attacked but also do the following:

1. Employ the Friendship Formula: Spend some time in the village without really doing anything . . . just be there. This satisfies the condition of proximity. Then, over time, increase the number (frequency) of visits to the village and the amount of time (duration) spent there. Finally, add intensity to the mix by giving the children of the village things they like (more on this in a moment).

2. Send out “friend” rather than “foe” signals: Keep your game face but put a mask over it; in other words, smile, don’t scowl.

3. Once the villagers are used to seeing you acting in a nonthreatening way, load up a truck with soccer balls and drive into the village where the children can see you. What will happen? Because you’re sending out friend signals, the children won’t see you as a threat and, further, their curiosity will be aroused (intensity) and they’ll approach the truck and ask, “Who are those balls all for?” The driver of the truck can tell the children, “They’re for you!” Then give them away.

So, what happens? The kids like you. So when they see their parents, the kids serve as a third-party introduction on behalf of the Americans. They say, “I saw the Americans, they gave us soccer balls, and they are nice people.” So now the parents see you through the primacy filter created by their children and they are more open to seeing you as a friend rather than as “the enemy.”

If the Americans had simply come into the village without employing the Friendship Formula (no attempt to establish proximity, frequency, duration, and intensity), sending foe rather than friend signals and not using the primacy effect through third-party introductions, what do you think would have happened when the American forces told the village elders they weren’t a threat? The Americans simply wouldn’t have been believed. The soldiers would have been perceived as liars.

It is amazing how easy it is to influence people’s behavior using these friendship tools. Alone or in combination, they allow you to make people feel better about themselves and, in turn, encourage them to make you feel better as well. When you employ the Golden Rule of Friendship, it encourages reciprocity: “If you make me happy, I want to make you happy.” Even in onetime encounters, when you are interacting with a person you will probably never see again, you can witness this reciprocity in action.

THE CHOICE BETWEEN FLYING FIRST CLASS OR BEING GROUNDED FOR BEING GRUMPY

Several years ago, I had a layover in Frankfurt, Germany. I wasn’t looking forward to the rest of my flight; I had the middle seat in coach and the scheduled flying time was eight hours. I certainly didn’t want to board early, and with an hour to spare, I decided to put the time to good use. I pulled up every German word I could remember from my high school language class and walked over to the ticket agent. As I approached, I gave the major friend signals, the eyebrow flash, the smile, the head tilt. When I got to the counter, I said “Guten tag . . .” so we would have some “common ground” (see Chapter 4). He smiled at my amateur attempt to speak the language but returned the greeting, and then said in English, “Can I help you?”

I answered no but began to engage him in conversation. I used empathic statements to encourage him to speak and to make him feel good about himself. As the conversation progressed, spurred on by my brief empathic comments, he was doing almost all of the talking. He didn’t notice this because people see the world as revolving around them and thus my behavior did not stray outside the human baseline and cause an “alert” reaction in his brain. I gave him an excuse to talk; in fact, I encouraged it and it made him feel good.

So now he likes me.

At the end of our “conversation,” the agent asked me why I didn’t board the plane. I told him that I had a middle seat and I wanted to spend as little time as possible jammed in there. That was it.

About twenty minutes later, the ticket agent made a final boarding call. As I walked to the air bridge, I heard the agent call out, “Herr Schafer.” I stopped and the agent walked over to me. He asked if I had my boarding pass. I nodded and showed it to him. He took it and handed me a different pass.

“Enjoy your flight, Herr Schafer,” he said.

I looked at the document and recognized I had been upgraded to a seat in business class. I said, “Thank you, sir, I really appreciate that.”

“No problem, don’t worry about it,” he replied and waved me toward the plane.

• • •

Another time my plane was late and people were really angry. I was waiting in line at the boarding counter and the guy in front of me was so worked up he was yelling at the agent about how he was going to miss his connecting flight and yada, yada, yada. She told him there was nothing she could do but put him on the later flight that left at 5:30 p.m.

Then it was my turn. I walked up to the obviously flustered employee and didn’t expect anything; I was only trying to make the agent’s day better. She took the ticket I handed her and said, “Sorry, sir, you’re going to miss your connecting flight. I can book you on a later plane leaving at five thirty p.m.”

I looked her directly in the eyes and said wryly, “I don’t think that’s acceptable,” mimicking the previous passenger. And as she looked back at me I added, “Can I yell at you now?” And she said no and mentioned the 5:30 p.m. flight again.

I repeated, “Can I yell at you now?” That’s when she started giggling. I said, “When can I start yelling at you?” Both of us were now grinning and bantering back and forth. After about a minute of this she said, “You know what . . . I just found a seat on the two forty p.m. flight,” and typed my name into the computer. I commented, “I’m just curious, I overheard you tell the previous customer that there were no seats available on the two forty p.m. flight.” “There are no seats for people who yell at me. Do you want to yell at me now?” she said. “No, ma’am,” I sheepishly replied. “Thank you.”

The interesting thing is I didn’t walk up to the agent with the idea of getting an earlier flight; I just wanted to make her feel better. But when you make other people feel good, good things often end up happening to you.

• • •

I’ve used this “get out your frustration” approach many times with all kinds of customer service representatives and it never fails to assuage their anger and put them in a better mood. During one of my foreign trips, a group of Chinese passengers missed their connecting flight to Hong Kong and they were giving the gate agent a hard time. She was trying to be nice to them, to no avail. Eventually, the police were called to deal with the situation because the passengers were causing such a ruckus.

I had the dubious “honor” of being the next person in line to speak with the ticket agent. So I walked up to the podium and said, “Looks like you had a little trouble here today.” (empathic statement)

Her answer was short and curt, “Yeah.”

“Looks like you’re frustrated,” I observed. (empathic statement)

“Yeah, I’m very frustrated that I can’t yell at those people. I can’t get rid of my frustration.”

I gave the agent a sympathetic nod of the head. “Ma’am, I’ll tell you what I can do. I’m going to go back to the rope at the beginning of the line and then I’m going to walk up to you again and say something about your service and I want you to let me have it. Get it out of your system.”

The woman looked a bit leery but said, “Okay.”

So I went back to the roped area, turned around, and walked back up to the counter. I pointed my finger at the agent and said, “I didn’t like the way you treated those people. You were rude, inconsiderate and . . .” I got no further, as the agent told me to shut up and then she let me have it. I mean, all that pent-up frustration was boiling just below the surface and now she had a chance to get it out!

After she finished her tirade, I told the woman I was extremely angry and disappointed.

The agent caught her breath and asked, “What would assuage your anger, sir? Would an upgrade help?”

I nodded affirmatively. “Yes, I think that would help.”

“All right, I’ll give you an upgrade to first class,” she declared.

I said, “Thank you.” And then we both started laughing.

As my flight was boarding the agent actually came on the plane and thanked me for “making her day.”

This kind of thing happens to me all the time. People do things for me. I don’t ask for favors, not even a hint. What I have discovered is when you make other people feel good about themselves (the Golden Rule of Friendship) you not only get people to like you, there’s also a collateral benefit; they want to make you feel good as well. I see it every day. I experience it time after time.

Here’s another air travel experience to illustrate this “benefit.” I was in Moline, Illinois, when my flight was canceled. This is not exactly a great place to get stranded. People were ranting and swearing. The woman directly in front of me in line was waving her arms and screaming at the ticket agent, who was trying her best not to lose it. She said, “The next flight I can put you on, ma’am, is tomorrow morning.” Upon hearing that information, the woman swore even louder and stomped off.

It was my turn. I walked up to the still-simmering agent and said, “Wow, that lady was pretty intense.” (empathic statement)

“She was,” she agreed. “I didn’t like her.”

I replied, “Well, I couldn’t help but overhear there isn’t a flight until tomorrow morning.”

And she said, “No, there’s another flight in an hour.”

I started to say something, but she interrupted, “I don’t like her. She waits until tomorrow. I like you. You get on today.”

UTILIZING FRIENDSHIP TOOLS: THE SKY’S THE LIMIT

I have one last flying story that should, without a doubt, confirm that the friendship tools do indeed work. I was on the last flight out of town, with a ninety-minute layover, so I decided this would be a great opportunity to interview some airline personnel and get their thoughts about the relationship between customer service and customer be­havior.

There was a single employee still working the ticket counter. I headed her way, using friendship signals as I approached. I needed a “hook” that would pique her curiosity. When she asked me where I was going I said I was going to Chicago to finish up an investigation. She asked what I did for a living and I said, “I work for the FBI.” That got her attention and she asked what kind of FBI work I did.

“I train people,” I replied.

“Train people in what?” she asked.

“To be nice to people . . . to get things they don’t deserve.” (curiosity hook)

She laughed. “Like what?”

“Like an upgrade.”

We were both grinning at this point. I said: “If I walked up to you and asked for an upgrade, would you do it?”

“No,” she exclaimed. “People do that all the time and I say no.”

“So do you ever give upgrades?”

“Yeah, to people I like.”

Case closed.

Whether you’re in Afghanistan or Atlanta, the techniques in this book work, alone or in combination. When you use them, you maximize your chances for making friends, even with those individuals who start out seeing you as an enemy. And, who knows, you just might get an upgrade in the process.