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5

SPEAKING THE LANGUAGE OF FRIENDSHIP

Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or friendship, is conversation.

—OSCAR WILDE

In Chapter 2, you learned that you can use nonverbal communication to make friends. In a sense, these “friend signals” act like snowplows, clearing the way for you to approach your person of interest and make a positive first impression along the way. Used alone, however, these smiles and head tilts are insufficient to sustain a relationship. For that, verbal communication is required and, in fact, the words you say, and those said to you, will not only play a large role in making friends, they will also impact the length and strength of the friendships you acquire.

If there is only one thing you remember about how to make friends through verbal communication, let it be this: The more you can encourage the other person to speak, the more you listen to what they say, display empathy, and respond positively when reacting to their comments, the greater the likelihood that person will feel good about themselves (Golden Rule of Friendship) and like you as a result. This means that when I (“ME”) desire YOU as a friend, I want to let you know I am interested in what you have to say, and, in addition, give you plenty of time to say it.

GREAT INVENTION, GOOD INTENTION, WRONGFUL MENTION, SHARP DISSENSION

Take the following scenario, which could easily play out any day in organizations around the world. It illustrates the power of verbal communication in determining relationship effectiveness. It also demonstrates how the words we use can make the difference between success and failure in making friends and achieving our objectives.

Stacey, a recent college graduate, secured a coveted position at a prestigious chemical company. She completed each assigned task with passion and skill. She kept up with new developments in the field and always sought new and more cost-effective techniques to shore up the company’s bottom line.

One day, Stacey discovered an innovative method to reduce the cost of manufacturing a certain chemical. It was a major breakthrough and she went directly to her manager to report what she had found.

She could hardly contain her excitement when she entered her boss’s office and didn’t even sit down before she blurted out the good news: “You’ve been manufacturing this chemical all wrong. I found a new and cheaper way to do it!”

Much to her dismay, Stacey’s manager dismissed her findings with a wave of his hand and admonished her to concentrate on her assigned work. Crushed, Stacey returned to her cubicle and vowed never to take the initiative again.

Sadly, Stacey never understood why her idea was rejected. In reality, her intentions were good, but the manner in which she communicated her idea was not well thought out or appropriate. Communication is much more than conveying ideas; it also encompasses how you convey the ideas in real-world situations. Stacey failed to consider some basic psychological tenets of successful communication. In Stacey’s statement to her manager she made several communication errors that led to her manager’s rejection of her idea.

1. “If I’m Right, Then You’re Wrong.” People rarely consider the push-pull qualities of declarations such as “I’m right” or “My way is better.” If you are right, then the other person is automatically assumed to be wrong. If your way is better, then the other person’s way is automatically assumed to be worse. The “I’m right and you’re wrong” paradigm forces people to assume a defensive posture to protect their egos or reputations, or for myriad other reasons. A person who is forced into a defensive posture by such statements is less likely to consider new ideas, let alone adopt them.

2. Us Against Them or I Against You. Stacey used the pronouns you and I. The use of these pronouns creates an adversarial situation. The you and I paradigm pits one person against the other. In Stacey’s case, she unintentionally created an adversarial relationship between herself and her boss. Adversarial settings create winners and losers. Winners conquer; losers are left to lick their wounds. Adversarial relationships invite competition along with negative feelings, which are not conducive to effective communication.

3. Cognitive Dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is triggered when a person holds two or more conflicting beliefs simultaneously. When people experience cognitive dissonance, it is not pleasant: They become frustrated, angry, and experience psychological disequilibrium. In Stacey’s situation, she unintentionally created cognitive dissonance in her manager. If Stacey is right, then her manager is wrong. If Stacey is right, then she is smart and her manager is not so smart. People experiencing cognitive dissonance have several options to regain their equilibrium. In Stacey’s circumstances, her manager could admit that she is right and he is wrong. Or he could try to convince Stacey that his method is correct and her method is not viable. Finally, he could dismiss Stacey outright as an immature, well-meaning employee who needs to be put in her place. Stacey’s manager chose the latter to resolve his dissonance. When someone experiences cognitive dissonance, it rarely produces a positive outcome.

4. Ego. People are naturally egocentric; they think the world revolves around them. Stacey demonstrated her self-focus when she used the “I” word. She elevated herself above her boss, thus unintentionally attacking his ego. Faced with such a challenge, his thought process was predictable. “I’ve been a manager for twenty years. Who does this inexperienced, snot-nosed college graduate think she is? She needs to get some experience under her belt before prancing into my office and telling me I’ve been doing things wrong for two decades. She needs to go back to her cubicle and do as she is told.” In this instance, the manager’s ego trumped common sense and the company’s all-important bottom line. Egos have hurt more people and torpedoed more good ideas than one would care to admit.

LEARNING TO KEEP YOUR EGO IN CHECK

Instead of saying, “You’ve been manufacturing this chemical all wrong. I found a new and cheaper way to do it,” Stacey should have employed psychologically sound principles to shape her communication. A more appropriate way to inform the boss of her significant breakthrough would be:

“Sir, I would like your advice on something that would make our company more profitable.”

Addressing her manager as “Sir” shows respect and demonstrates that Stacey sees her boss as a superior. The introductory phrase “I would like your advice on something . . .” accomplishes five objectives. First, Stacey creates an inclusionary environment. The manager feels as though he is included in the process. Second, cognitive dissonance is avoided, thus increasing the probability that the manager will be open to new ideas. Third, the manager’s illusion of self-focus is bolstered. The manager will likely think, “Of course, Stacey is seeking my advice because I am intelligent and I have twenty years of experience behind me.” Fourth, this introductory phrase could foster a ­mentor-mentee relationship. If this is achieved, then Stacey’s success also becomes her manager’s success. Fifth, showing the manager respect and acknowledging his expertise makes him feel good about himself. This brings the Golden Rule of Friendship into play. “If you make other people feel good about themselves, they will like you.”

People who like you are probably going to be more open to your suggestions. The use of the words “our company” signals that Stacey has emotional equity in the organization and is a team player. Her statement “make our company more profitable” is very appealing, especially if the manager receives credit for an increased bottom line. When the manager gives his advice, he takes partial ownership of the idea or proposed project. When individuals feel as though they are part owners of a good idea or project, they enthusiastically advance it.

THE GLORY ENCHILADA

The downside for Stacey in using the statement with her boss that we recommend is that she must share the “glory enchilada” with him. At first glance, this might not seem fair or palatable since Stacey came up with the idea and feels she should (rightfully) get all the credit. The problem is people seldom take into account the benefit of sharing the glory: goodwill. Glory has a short expiration date; goodwill has a long shelf life. A good idea produces a large plate that can be divided into many pieces. Freely distributing the pieces increases likability, puts people in your debt, and gives you allies should you need their help in gaining successes down the road.

THE CAT, THE RAT, AND THE METRONOME

Listening to what another person is saying can be difficult to achieve, particularly for extroverts. They are so busy thinking about what they want to say, interrupting the speaker, or letting their mind wander that they literally don’t hear what is being said. Obviously, a person can’t respond effectively to another individual’s message if he or she doesn’t receive and process it. Is it really possible that we can “block” out a person’s speech and not hear it? Yes. This was demonstrated in an experiment conducted more than a half century ago.

Psychologists conduct some pretty strange and morally suspect experiments with animals. In this particular investigation, electrodes were implanted in the auditory area of a cat’s brain. Then they didn’t feed the cat for a few days so it was good and hungry. Once the cat was wired and ravenous, it was placed in a room with a metronome, an instrument that makes a clicking sound on a regular basis. Also in the room was an oscilloscope, the kind that translates sounds into blips on a screen, similar to the way heartbeats are represented by spikes on a moving piece of paper.

What happened? Every time the metronome made a clicking sound, it was picked up by the electrode implanted in the cat and simultaneously a blip appeared on the oscilloscope screen. Translation: The cat heard the clicking sound. Not really a very dramatic experiment, you might be thinking; hardly worth depriving a cat of food and making it undergo an operation.

But there’s more, and here is where the experiment gets interesting. A mouse was introduced into the room. The cat immediately turned its attention to the potential meal, watching the rodent’s every move with intense interest. And here’s the shocker: the oscilloscope screen went flat! The metronome was still clicking, the sound was still entering the cat’s ear, but somehow the animal was able to block the sound at the brain level. The cat, basically, was no longer hearing the tick, tick, tick of the metronome. It was so focused on the mouse that it was able to block out the sounds it was “hearing.”

As it was with the cat so, too, is it with humans. We are able to block out what a person is saying. The upshot of all this: Just because a person is speaking to someone does not guarantee that the listener is hearing what is being said.

The way to be sure you hear what someone is saying is to pay attention to their verbal pronouncements. This is referred to as active listening and is something you’ll want to practice if you want to use verbal behavior as a tool to build new friendships.

When it comes to establishing and building friendships through verbal behavior, take your cue from LOVE (Listen, Observe, Vocalize, and Empathize). This acronym captures the four rules you’ll want to follow if you want to maximize your chances for making friends through the use of communication.

RULE #1: LISTEN: PAY ATTENTION WHEN PEOPLE SPEAK SO YOU ARE FULLY AWARE OF WHAT THEY ARE SAYING.

Listening is more than simply remaining silent while your person of interest is speaking. It involves total focus on what is being said. Because we can think at about four times the rate the normal person talks, there is a temptation to let our thoughts wander. Resist this temptation.

Speakers notice when a person isn’t listening. The best way to focus on the listener’s speech and, at the same time, transmit to the speaker nonverbally that you are paying attention to what is being said is to maintain eye contact. It is also a friend signal that helps build stronger relational bonds. You needn’t stare at the speaker to accomplish this; however, maintain eye contact with the speaker about two-thirds to three-fourths of the time he or she is talking to establish the appropriate degree of connectivity and to indicate you are tuned into what is being said. Make a concerted effort not to interrupt speakers when they are talking. Extroverts must be particularly careful not to do this, as they have a tendency to begin talking before the speaker is finished speaking, and, in fact, finish what the person is saying to hurry the conversational turn-taking process.

People like individuals who let them talk, particularly when it is about themselves. As one unknown writer once observed, “Friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait to hear the answer.” Wise counsel!

The empathic statement is the perfect tool to demonstrate that you are listening to the other person. In order to form a good empathic statement, you must listen to what the person is saying or take note of their emotional or physical disposition. Paraphrasing what the person said keeps the focus on that individual. For example, if you need help in a department store and you observe that the salesperson looks tired, you might not get the service you expect. To increase the probability of getting better service, you could use an empathic statement such as: “You look like you’ve had a busy day” or “It’s been a long day. Looks like you’re ready to go home.” These empathic statements demonstrate to the salesperson that you took the time to notice their personal disposition, and more important, make them feel good about themselves. During casual conversations, people tend not to listen to the person speaking. Even a dull conversation can be enhanced using empathic statements. For example, your coworker is talking excitedly about his weekend trip to the lake. Unless you went to the lake with your coworker, the experience might not interest you. An empathic statement such as “Sounds like you really enjoyed your trip” will let the speaker know that you are listening and taking an interest in what he or she is saying. Empathic statements are the spice of conversations. If you make it a habit to use empathic statements, you will force yourself to listen more carefully to other people. As a consequence they will feel good about themselves and like you.

Remember, individuals enjoy talking about themselves and feel good when people listen as they verbalize their thoughts, which brings us back to the Golden Rule of Friendship. When you can make a person feel good about themselves, they are going to be more favorably disposed to liking you and accepting you as a friend.

BUILDING TRUST IN LESS THAN TEN MINUTES

This was the title of an article written by an anesthesiologist named Scott Finkelstein. In the article, he describes what it’s like to face life-and-death problems on a daily basis and emphasizes the importance of doctor-patient communication in dealing with medical crises. “I give each patient my full attention,” explains Dr. Finkelstein. “I maintain eye contact. I listen. I validate their feelings, . . . The fear melts away. And then they trust me. All in less than ten minutes.”

Giving a person the opportunity to talk, listening to what they say without interruption, and giving nonverbal cues that what they say is of interest to you can make a huge difference, whether it be in gaining a patient’s trust or a person’s friendship.

RULE #2: OBSERVE: IN ANY VERBAL INTERACTION BE SURE TO OBSERVE THE OTHER PARTY BEFORE, DURING, AND AFTER RECEIVING AND TRANSMITTING INFORMATION.

Whenever you interact with another person, communication takes place on two levels: verbal and nonverbal. Before, during, and after verbal interaction it is important that you observe the other individual’s nonverbal signals and body language, as they can serve as a barometer to assess if a conversation is appropriate, how an ongoing conversation is progressing, what impact the conversation had when finished, and, also, as a warning should something be said that a party to the verbal exchange finds objectionable. Backward leaning, crossing the arms over the chest, and lip compressions are good nonverbal indicators that the conversation is not being well received. People tend to distance themselves from things they don’t want to see or hear. This is the opposite of the leaning-forward nonverbal cue discussed earlier. Crossing the arms over the chest is a blocking gesture, which could indicate the person wants to symbolically and physically block what they are seeing or hearing. Other signs of disengagement are looking around the room, when the person looks at their watch as if to say, “Time’s up,” or turning their feet, torso, or both toward the door or other parts of the room. When you see the other person beginning to disengage from the conversation, change the subject. You are probably spending too much time talking about yourself and not focusing on the other person.

It is important to observe nonverbal behavior even before any attempt at conversation is made. Of course, the importance of observation doesn’t stop there. Should a person’s nonverbals signal that beginning a conversation is appropriate, then let the talking commence. Just don’t take that as the reason for ending your observation! Continual observation during an ongoing verbal interaction is critical for spotting any potential problems that might otherwise go unnoticed.

This is particularly true when it comes to “word mines.”

Words mean different things to different people. When these words are used they can, like land mines, blow apart a developing relationship. When a party to the conversation is offended by one of these word mines, he or she doesn’t normally say anything about their discomfort but simply begins the process of distancing and/or exiting the relationship. However, their nonverbal behavior often provides a clear indication that something troubling was said. They might wince, get a shocked or surprised look on their face, or take a step backward. A person who is processing information on the verbal and nonverbal levels will pick up these signals and can often save the day by asking if they said something offensive and, if so, assuring the listener that it certainly wasn’t their intention to do so. A further examination of what the offending word means to both parties can usually put any bad feelings to rest and the conversation can restart on a positive note. The hazard of word mines is that people don’t know what emotional meanings others attach to otherwise innocuous words.

IS IT SOMETHING I SAID?

A friend was lecturing about interviewing techniques to a group of seminar participants. At one point he said, “People need to listen more than they talk. The proof of this is the Lord gave you two ears and one mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you speak.”

During the lunch break, the conference host walked into the banquet room and informed my friend that a charge had been filed against him by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. She had come to investigate exactly what happened. My friend was dumbfounded. He had no idea who would file such a complaint and why they would do it.

It turned out that one of the attendees had a son who was born with only one ear, and when my friend made the remark about “two ears and one mouth,” this father thought my friend was making fun of his child.

Once my friend was told of the circumstances surrounding the complaint, he explained to the host that his comment was a truism that had been around for decades and when he said it, he in no way meant it as a slight against anyone.

The host wasn’t moved. “If the father is offended,” she said, “it’s his perspective of what happened we need to address, whether you think it is offensive or not.”

My friend thought the entire situation was ludicrous. He didn’t see that he had done anything wrong and certainly didn’t want to apologize to the father for what he saw as perfectly acceptable language.

The host would have none of it. “If you want to keep this consulting job, you need to apologize to the father.”

Faced with that ultimatum, my friend decided discretion was the better part of valor and offered his apology to the distraught father.

WHEN EVERYTHING ISN’T BLACK-AND-WHITE

The classroom seems to provide a particularly conducive environment for word mines to rattle an unsuspecting lecturer. Two reasons for this is the diversity of today’s student body and the larger number of enrollees in any particular course. When it comes to racial issues, teachers must tiptoe carefully through their lectures, being careful not to set off a word mine by using words or phrases that mean different things to different students. In one of my classes, I couldn’t get my laptop to boot up. Every time I switched it on all I got was a black screen. So I asked my students, “Does anyone here know how to make this thing work?” One student nodded, walked over to the laptop, made a few adjustments to the machine, and handed it back to me. I said, “Well, the screen is white and white is better than black at least.”

A black student in the class took immediate offense at my comment. “I heard you say ‘white is better than black,’?” he declared. “That’s a racist remark.”

I had no intention of making a racial slur. Race never crossed my mind. I was anxious to get my laptop functional so I could present my lecture. My comment referred to how my laptop was operating. A black screen indicated the laptop was not booting up. A white screen indicated that the laptop was booting up. In other words, a laptop that is booting up is better than a laptop that is not booting up. Yet, my student heard the comment from a different perspective and it triggered a deep emotional response. Such is the nature and danger of word mines.

Another teacher related another good example of this to me. She teaches a course in international management, which means a large number of students from other countries are in attendance. At the beginning of one class, about halfway through the semester, a male American student walked up to another male student and greeted him by saying, “How’s it going, dawg?!” The recipient of this greeting almost punched the speaker in the mouth. It turns out that the angry student was from the Middle East, where it is considered a great insult to be referred to as a “dog.”

Word mines. Watch for them and be ready to treat the injured relationship quickly and decisively so as to minimize any damage done. It’s worth saying again: the hazard of word mines is that speakers do not know what emotional meanings others attach to otherwise innocuous words. Thus, they never know when a word mine can be “set off.” If, as noted earlier, speakers are not watching the listener, they might not be aware that they insulted or offended them.

Even if they do become aware that they have set off a negative response in the listener, most speakers, rather than trying to defuse the situation, tend to respond defensively to the unexpected emotional outburst, which unfortunately only intensifies the initial response of that individual. A speaker who steps on a word mine and reacts defensively when confronted with an angry listener is often seen as insensitive and lacking compassion. The speaker, on the other hand, is often left confused, not knowing what to do or what to say in response to the listener’s emotional explosion.

Empathic statements are the best way to respond to word mine explosions. They capture a person’s feelings and reflect them back to the person, using parallel language. Empathic statements acknowledge the person’s feelings without the need to go on the defensive.

As you’ll recall from an earlier chapter, the basic formula for constructing empathic statements is “So you . . .” This basic approach keeps the focus on the other person and away from the individual who stepped on the word mine. People naturally tend to say something to the effect of “I understand how you feel.” That leads the other person to automatically think, No, you don’t know how I feel because you are not me.

Empathic statements allow individuals to vent their emotions. Once the pent-up emotions are vented, the conversation can usually return to a normal exchange of information. Avoiding a heated argument with an emotional person increases the probability that the relationship will have a chance to survive and grow.

Once you step on a word mine, learn from it. Be sure to affix a mental red flag to avoid detonations in the future. Unfortunately, the problem of word mines is unlikely to go away in the near future. In fact, the virtual world in which we live is strewn with dangerous word mines. You can never be sure when you will step on one. Personal relationships are more difficult to initiate and maintain when the verbal landscape is dotted with word mines, both discovered and hidden.

Communication mishaps are likely to increase in the coming years because people rely more and more on electronic media such as texting, emails, and Internet postings to communicate. Symbols such as brackets, periods, and commas that form happy, winking, or surprised faces often punctuate sentences to provide additional clues to the reader as to the true meaning of the communication. Emoticons are also used to clarify messages. When text messaging first became popular, I remember texting my daughter. She responded to one of my text messages with the letters “LOL.” I wrote back, “I love you too.” Her response was “Ha, ha. LOL means laugh out loud.” I wrote back, “I thought it meant Lots of Love.” Her final exchange was “I love you too, Dad.” My communication faux pas with my daughter ended with a chuckle, but it demonstrates the danger of miscommunication when people don’t have nonverbal cues to guide a conversation. When using electronic media to communicate, don’t use sarcasm, understatements, or words that have double meanings if you want to avoid the possibility of miscommunication.

The best way to keep your verbal communication effective in a world filled with word mines is to:

1. Think about the words you are going to use before you say them. Scan ahead for possible word mines that you’ll want to eliminate from your speech.

2. Observe your listeners for any unusual reaction while you are speaking. It might indicate that a word mine has been tripped.

3. Do not become defensive or angry if a listener becomes agitated over your use of a word mine (even if you didn’t know it existed); and

4. Immediately take the time to find out if the listener’s discomfort is the result of a word mine detonation. If it is, apologize for using the word or phrase, explain that you were unaware that it had a negative connotation to the listener, and assure him or her that you will not use it again. And then, be sure you don’t.

THE LIP PURSE

No one can read minds, but they can come close by observing non­verbal displays. Some nonverbal cues are more obvious than others. The obvious cues are easier for observers to read and interpret. Likewise, obvious cues are easier for speakers to control, thus camouflaging their true thoughts. Subtle nonverbal cues are harder to control and reveal more intimate information. The lips are one area of the body that can reveal these subtle cues.

A lip purse display is a slight, almost imperceptible, puckering or rounding of the lips (see photos on page 135). This gesture signals dissension or disagreement. The more pronounced the lip purse, the more intense is the dissension or disagreement. Pursed lips mean the person has formed a thought in their mind that is in opposition to what is being said or done.

Knowing what a person thinks gives you an advantage. The trick is to change their mind before they have an opportunity to articulate their opposition. Once an opinion or decision is expressed out loud, changing a person’s mind becomes more difficult due to the psychological principle of consistency. Decision-making causes tension to some degree. When a person makes a decision, tension dissipates. They are less likely to change their mind because to do so would mean admitting their first decision was a bad one, thus causing tension. Maintaining an articulated position causes less tension than going through the ­decision-making process again no matter how persuasive the arguments for change may be. In other words, when people say something, they tend to remain consistent with what they said.

Pursed Lips

Observing for lip purses is also useful when talking with your spouse, colleagues, and friends, as it is a universal nonverbal cue that tells us what people are thinking. However, a lip purse is not a foe signal; someone can be happy with you and still use it.

Again, remember why watching for and observing lip purses is so critical: Once a person is able to articulate a “No” response to your idea or suggestion, or voice a negative remark, the principle of “consistency” comes into play, meaning now it is very hard for the listener to go back on their verbal response and change their mind. The lip purse allows you to see a negative response coming and gives you a chance to counter it before it is spoken, giving you a better chance of getting your idea or project accepted.

You can use this nonverbal signal to help you increase your verbal effectiveness at home and at work. As an example, consider this statement you might make to your wife:

“Honey, I can show you how we can afford a bass boat [or substitute with any item you may wish to purchase] so I can go fishing.”

Now, as you begin to present your financial argument you can see your wife’s lips purse. She has formed a sentence in her mind, which is in opposition to what you are saying. (Her lip purse is telling you she doesn’t want you to get into her purse!) You know now that you have to come up with an additional justification before she articulates her objection; otherwise her public proclamation will make it more difficult for you to end up with a boat or any other big-ticket item you wish to purchase. Ladies, this technique also applies to men.

WHEN THE BOSS GIVES YOU A LIP (PURSE)

At work, I was always trying to get money or manpower support for some operation I wanted to run. Both were in short supply and I had to compete for resources. I remember once explaining to my boss why I needed money for this particular project and I saw him purse his lips. Now I knew he thought up a statement in opposition to what I was saying and I needed to change his mind before he had a chance to say no. If he publicly rejected my proposal, getting his approval would be next to impossible.

In an attempt to forestall a verbal rejection, I used an empathic statement. “Boss, I’ll bet you’re thinking that this idea isn’t going to work, but let me explain why it will.” I knew exactly what point the boss had issues with, because his lips pursed when I made a specific statement. Now I knew what was troubling him and my statement bought me some time to respond to his concern and convince him my idea was worthy before he made any verbal declaration, which is hard to reverse once it is publicly stated.

The next time you present a project or proposition to your supervisor, watch for the lip purse display. If your supervisor purses his or her lips during your presentation, you know that he or she has already formed a thought in opposition to your proposal. Once you see a lip purse, you should attempt to change your supervisor’s mind before he or she vocalizes opposition. Be ready with an empathic statement. Try: “So, you don’t think what I am saying makes much sense. Let me go over a few things that will show you that what I am proposing is the best course of action.” You acknowledge your supervisor’s doubts and present counterarguments to change his or her mind before the negative thought is voiced.

Lip Bite

LIP BITE

Another technique to “read a person’s mind” is to watch for a lip bite. A lip bite is the soft biting or tugging of the upper or lower lip with the teeth. This nonverbal gesture indicates that the person has something to say but is hesitant to say it, for myriad reasons. Hence the old adage “Bite your lip,” meaning keep your mouth shut and don’t say anything has validity. I often see lip biting when I lecture. I’ll take it as a signal to construct an empathic statement such as “It looks like you want to add something to the conversation,” to encourage the students to express themselves. Most students are surprised that I can read their minds and they feel good about themselves because I’m paying attention to them.

LIP COMPRESSION

Lip compression has a similar meaning to the lip bite, but it has a more negative connotation. A lip compression occurs when the upper and lower lips are tightly pressed together. The lip compression indicates that the person you are talking to has something to say but is reluctant to do so. Right before suspects confess, I often saw a lip compression. The suspects wanted to say something but they pressed their lips together to prevent the words from coming out.

Lip Compression

LIP TOUCHING

Self-touching of the lips with hands, fingers, or objects such as pencils and other inanimate objects indicates the person is feeling uneasy about the topic that is being discussed. Stimulating the lips momentarily draws your attention away from the sensitive topic and thus reduces anxiety. Suspects would often unwittingly signal to me that the question I just asked exposed a sensitive topic or made them feel uncomfortable. Seeing this silent cue, I would construct an empathic statement such as “You seem a bit uncomfortable talking about this topic,” to further explore the topic. The suspect would either confirm or deny that they were uncomfortable and, in most cases, provide reasons for feeling the way they did.

Lip touching demonstrates that the person is feeling uneasy or uncomfortable.

This self-touching signal can be effectively used in business and social settings. For example, if you are in a one-to-one sales meeting presenting a new product and you see your client lightly rubbing his lips with his fingers, take note. Upon seeing this nonverbal cue, you should formulate an empathic statement such as “This may be a bit overwhelming because you have never used this product before” to allow the client to express any concerns or misgivings they might have about the product or service you are offering. Once you have identified your client’s specific concerns you can adapt your sales presentation to more effectively sell your product or service.

In social settings, you can avoid embarrassing moments by observing the person you are talking to. If you introduce a sensitive topic and you see the other person pursing or compressing their lips, you are best advised to change the subject before more damage is done. You can safely return to the subject when sufficient rapport has been built between you and the other person.

RULE #3: VOCALIZE: THE WAY YOU VOCALIZE AND WHAT YOU VOCALIZE WILL IMPACT YOUR EFFECTIVENESS IN MAKING AND KEEPING FRIENDS

How you say something can sometimes be as important as the message itself. Of particular concern is your tone of voice, which transmits information to the listener irrespective of what is being said. Attraction and interest, for example, are communicated much more by the tone of voice than by the words being spoken.

HOW YOU SPEAK INFLUENCES HOW OTHERS PERCEIVE YOUR MESSAGE . . . AND YOU

Tone of voice can convey messages that words alone can’t. A deep, low-pitched voice conveys romantic interest. A high-pitched voice conveys surprise or skepticism. A loud voice will give the impression that you are overbearing. The tone of voice you use can embrace others or dismiss them out of hand.

The speed of your voice also regulates conversations. Fast talking adds a sense of urgency to the conversation or can act as a prompt to end a boring exchange. Dragging out a word can signal interest. Actors in movies often drag out the greeting “Hello” to signal romantic interest. Conversely, a slow, soft-spoken monotone voice signals lack of interest in the listener or extreme shyness in the speaker. Conversely, a slow, soft-spoken voice with normal inflections conveys empathy. I often hear this type of communication at funerals or during tragedies.

Most parents learn to control their kids’ behavior with tonal inflections. I often spoke to my kids in a deep, slow voice to express my displeasure. As with many parents, if I was extremely displeased, I would drag out my kid’s first, middle, and last name with great effect. A short, clipped “Good” expresses approval.

Tone of voice delivers the emotional part of your message. I have a Chicago accent and I tend to clip my words. When I’m in Chicago, word clipping goes unnoticed because everybody clips their words. However, when I travel to other parts of the country, people perceive word clipping as being overbearing and dismissive. Sarcasm can also be misinterpreted without the accompanying tone of voice that lets the listener know that there is a hidden meaning to the message. This is the reason why sarcasm should be avoided in emails and text messages.

Voice intonation also plays a large part in conversational turn-taking. Lowering your voice at the end of a sentence signals that you are finished talking and it is now the other person’s turn to talk. If the speaker lowers their voice at the end of a sentence and continues to talk, the listener will become frustrated because they think it’s their turn to talk. Dominating a conversation violates the Golden Rule of Friendship by keeping the focus of attention on yourself instead of on the other person.

Conversely, taking your turn to speak when your person of interest has not given any vocal “turn-yielding cues,” even if he or she has finished a sentence, can impede friendship development. Violating conversation etiquette can cause irritation and have a detrimental effect on friendship development.

Make it a habit to pause for a nanosecond or two before speaking, especially if you are an extrovert. This pause gives introverts a chance to gather their thoughts. Remember, introverts tend to think before they speak. If you interrupt their thought process, they tend to become frustrated and, consequently, like you less. The pause gives extroverts time to think about what they are about to say. This habit saved me from countless embarrassing moments.

WHAT YOU SAY INFLUENCES HOW OTHERS PERCEIVE YOUR MESSAGE . . . AND YOU

This seems like common sense and, to a degree, it is. But the focus here is on saying certain things or saying them in a certain way that you might not otherwise use to make and keep friends. Here are some verbal strategies you can use to make or keep friends in everyday situations, strategies you might otherwise ignore or downplay, to the detriment of your relationships.

Strategy #1: When you are right and someone else is wrong, give that individual a face-saving way to carry out your wishes with a minimum of embarrassment and/or humiliation. The person will like you a lot more for your efforts on their behalf.

Human beings have an inherent need to be right, but being right comes with some unintended consequences. One of those is the loss of friendship if the person who is right doesn’t give the person who is wrong a face-saving way to extricate himself or herself from the situation in question.

I learned this the hard way while presenting a lecture on report writing to a group of parole and probation officers. Prior to the beginning of my lecture, I spoke with several of the participants about their current report writing practices. One participant identified his super­visor as the writing guru. The other participants agreed and made comments such as “He really knows his stuff,” “He’s a wordsmith,” “He forces us to use a variety of words to say the same thing,” and “I don’t know what we would do without him.”

I glanced over at the supervisor. His eyes were alight and he was smiling proudly. That conversation and the supervisor’s reaction was a red flag I failed to recognize until it was too late. The supervisor’s esteem was wrapped up in his identity as the group’s grammar guru. His value to the agency also stemmed from his reputation as an outstanding writer.

During my lecture, I demonstrated a simple yet effective method to write reports patterned after the FBI model for producing such documents. Several participants commented they were going to start using this model because it was easier and reduced the possibility of their reports being successfully challenged in court.

I was taken aback when the supervisor protested. He argued that the method of writing I was teaching may work for the FBI, but it was not suitable for his agency. He declared that he was a college English major and believed that creative reports using synonyms were more interesting than reports using the same words over and over. I then made a fatal mistake by engaging the supervisor in spontaneous role playing to prove that I was right and, consequently, that he was wrong. I asked him what synonyms he would use for the verb said. He offered the following alternatives: told, explained, and mentioned. I stopped him there and told him to play the role of a witness in court and I would play the role of defense attorney. He agreed. The exchange went like this:

ME (DEFENSE ATTORNEY): Officer, please define the word stated as you used it in your report.

SUPERVISOR (OFFICER): Express a fact with certainty.

ME (DEFENSE ATTORNEY): Thank you officer. How would you define the word explained as you used the word in your report?

SUPERVISOR (OFFICER): To talk about.

ME (DEFENSE ATTORNEY): Thank you, Officer. So what you wrote is that what my client initially said he said with certainty and the second thing my client said he did not say with certainty.

SUPERVISOR (OFFICER): “No, that’s not what I meant. The suspect said both things with certainty.”

ME (DEFENSE ATTORNEY): That’s not what you wrote. By your own definitions of the words said and explain, you are saying that the first statement was said with certainty and that the second statement was not said with certainty. Is that correct?

SUPERVISOR (OFFICER): No, both statements were said with certainty.

ME (DEFENSE ATTORNEY): If both statements were said with certainty, then why didn’t you use the word said in both sentences?

SUPERVISOR (OFFICER): Uhhh. I don’t know.

I won my point, but it was a Pyrrhic victory. My need to be right caused everything to go wrong. From that point forward, the tension in the room was obvious. I forced the participants to choose between a more efficient method of writing and their supervisor’s less efficient method of writing. Of course, they sided with their supervisor.

The unintended consequences of being right occur every day in offices and homes across the country. We unintentionally alienate our bosses, colleagues, friends, and spouses and cause unnecessary strife and tension.

There is a better way. You can be right without wronging someone. Instead of asserting your right to be right, ask people for their advice. That allows them to be part of the decision-making process. Additionally, they feel good about themselves because you came to them to seek their advice, which elevates them to an honored position. The Golden Rule of Friendship states that if you make people feel good about themselves, they will like you.

Using this “ask for advice” strategy still allows you to be right, get the results you want, and maintain (or increase) friendships with those individuals who now have a face-saving way to maintain their dignity and avoid being seen as “wrong.”

The following exchange between a subordinate and her boss illustrates the technique of seeking advice. The subordinate found an error in a newly formed controversial policy prepared by her boss. Rather than trumping her boss with the “right” card, she sought her super­visor’s advice.

SUBORDINATE: Do you have a minute, Boss?

BOSS: Sure, what’s up?

SUBORDINATE: I was reviewing your latest policy and noticed something. I’d like your advice on the matter.

BOSS: Sure. Let me take a look.

The subordinate can now point out the discrepancies in the policy and her supervisor has the opportunity to clarify his mistake without losing face.

Salespeople can use the same technique when they meet longtime customers or new customers. Textbook publisher representatives regularly visit my office pitching new books for use in my classes. Instead of personalizing their sales approach, they tell me how their book is better than the one I am currently using. The sales rep could be right, but there are unintended consequences of such an approach. The salesperson is implying that my judgment in picking textbooks is bad. This realization does not make me feel good about myself. I would be more likely to listen to the representatives if they introduced themselves and then said, “Professor, I would like to get your advice about this new book designed for use in your course.”

THE FACE-SAVING TECHNIQUE THAT AVOIDED A MUG SHOT

As an FBI agent, I always dreaded the moment I would be flying somewhere on a long-awaited vacation and be called upon to deal with an unruly passenger or handle a crisis. Well, it happened on a 6 a.m. flight out of Los Angeles. I had boarded and was sitting quietly in my seat when a flight attendant came up and said there was a drunk passenger in the back of the plane whom the captain wanted offloaded. I looked around and, sure enough, there was a passenger staggering in the aisle while another flight attendant was yelling at him. “You get off this flight . . . you’re an idiot.” So much for trying to calm things down. The attendant standing over me said, “You’re an FBI agent, take him off the plane.”

I thought, “I might as well use a bit of my training.” So I walked over to where the man was leaning against his seat. I told him I was an FBI agent, showed him my badge and credentials, and suggested we both sit down and talk. He wasn’t so drunk that he failed to understand me. He sat down and I edged into the empty seat next to him.

“Look,” I said, in a soft voice that would be difficult for other passengers to hear, “the endgame is you’re getting off this plane. When the captain says you’re getting off, you’re getting off. Now, you have a choice. Either you can walk off and keep your dignity, voice your complaints once you’re in the terminal, and complete your trip to Dallas on a later flight . . . or I’m going to arrest you, put you in handcuffs, and forcibly take you off the plane. Then you’re going to go to jail, have to bail yourself out, and come back here for a trial, where you might be sentenced to prison. So,” I whispered to him, “sir, the choice is yours. I’ll allow you to make this decision. Take a few seconds to think about it. What do you want to do?”

It only took a moment for the passenger to say, “I think I’ll just get off, make my complaint, and get on another plane.”

I said, “I think that’s a very intelligent decision. Here, I’ll be glad to walk you off.”

After I had accompanied the man to the terminal and returned to my seat, the flight attendant who had spoken to me earlier came up and wanted to know how I had managed to end such an ugly confrontation so peacefully. I told her I had given the passenger the opportunity to make a choice on his own.

I gave him the opportunity to feel he had some control in the ­situation, that he was free to choose his fate. And, most important, I provided him with a face-saving way to exit the aircraft with a minimum of embarrassment.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Giving someone the feeling they have some control over a situation can work wonders, even with children. In fact, parents can use this approach to help their kids make decisions, especially when they are younger. Children, like adults, want to feel as though they are in control of their lives. The illusion of control can be conveyed if parents give their kids an opportunity to choose their destiny. This can be accomplished without losing parental authority. For example, you are taking your son out to lunch. You have already made up your mind that you are either going to McDonald’s or Burger King for a kid’s meal. You don’t want to let your child choose another restaurant, yet, you still want him to practice his decision-making skills. This can be accomplished by setting up an alternate response question such as “We are going to lunch. Do you want to go to McDonald’s or Burger King for a kid’s meal?” An alternate response question gives your child an illusion of control, but you are really in control because you limited the restaurant choice to McDonald’s or Burger King and you limited the food choice to a kid’s meal.

Salespeople use the alternate response question all the time. When you go to a car dealership, a good salesperson will not ask you if you want to buy a car. They will ask you if you like blue cars or red cars. If you answer, “Blue cars,” the salesperson will show you blue cars. If you answer, “Red cars,” the salesperson will show you red cars. If your answer is a color other than blue or red, then the salesperson will show you that color of car. Good salespeople give the customers the illusion that they are in control of the car buying experience, when in fact the salespeople are directing you through a well-choreographed presentation.

Strategy #2: Use the verbal technique of “status elevation” to make people feel better about themselves and see you as a friend. Status elevation is a technique that satisfies an individual’s need for recognition. I discovered this approach one day when I was with my son, Bryan, at a bookstore. An author was signing books at a booth in the front of the store. Nobody was at the booth, so Bryan and I went over to talk with the author. While my son spoke with the woman, I looked through her book. I noticed that her style of writing reminded me of Jane Austen. I mentioned this to the author. Her eyes lit up and her cheeks took on a pinkish hue. She replied, “Really? I don’t have much time to write. I have three kids. My husband is in the military and is gone a lot of the time. I want to go back to college to finish my degree. I left school to get married. That was a mistake I’ll always regret.” With one comment, this woman was telling me her life story like I was a long-lost friend.

I tried this technique several more times with the same results. Once, I met an aspiring candidate from the Republican Party. After we talked politics for several minutes, I remarked that his political style reminded me of Ronald Regan. The young man puffed up and told me about his family upbringing, where he went to college, and many other personal details that indicated he saw me as someone worthy of being liked. Status elevation can take the form of a simple compliment.

MOPPING UP A SCHOOL GRAFFITI PROBLEM

On one occasion, I interviewed a janitor at a high school regarding some racist graffiti that had appeared sometime during the previous night. At the outset of the interview, I attempted to build some rapport with him. I commented that he had a big job taking care of such a large building all by himself. He told me about how he designed a system that allowed him to accomplish multiple tasks at the same time by following the shortest routes through the building. I responded that most schools of the same size would require several janitors to accomplish the work he did using the system he designed (I was providing him with an opportunity to pat himself on the back).

As we talked, it was clear that I had developed a solid rapport with the janitor. He explained to me in great detail about how he designed his maintenance routine and went on to share stories about the teachers and administrative staff. The tales were interesting but of no use to my investigation. But I listened anyway, and gained a friend in the process. I gave him my business card and asked him to call me if he learned any new information about the graffiti incident.

Several weeks later, the janitor called me with a rumor he had heard from one of the students. The rumor turned out to be true and led to the apprehension of the parties responsible for the graffiti.

It is doubtful that the janitor would have taken the time to call me about the rumor he heard if I had not developed a good rapport with him during our only visit.

Strategy #3: If you want to get information from somebody without arousing their suspicion or putting them on the defensive, use the elicitation approach. You use elicitation devices in conversation to obtain information from a person without that individual becoming sensitive (aware) of your purpose.

People often hesitate to answer direct questions, especially when the inquiries focus on sensitive topics. If you want people to like you, use elicitation instead of questions to obtain sensitive information. Elicitation techniques encourage people to reveal sensitive information without the need for making inquiries.

Asking questions puts people on the defensive. Nobody likes nosy individuals, especially when you first meet them. Ironically, this is the time you need the most information about persons of interest. The more information you know about an individual, the better you will be able to develop strategies to cultivate successful personal and business relationships.

Elicitation is the ability to obtain sensitive information from people without them realizing they are providing you with this data. During my career in the intelligence community, I trained agents to obtain sensitive information from adversaries while at the same time maintaining good rapport with them. The characteristics of elicitation:

1. Few, if any questions are asked, thus preventing a defensive reaction from the person of interest;

2. the process is painless because your person of interest is not aware they are revealing sensitive personal information;

3. people will like you because you are making them the focus of your undivided attention; and

4. individuals will thank you for being so kind and will likely contact you in the future, which provides another opportunity to glean additional information from them.

Elicitation works because it is based on human needs.

The Human Need to Correct: Using Elicitation Through Presumptive Statements

People have a need to be right, but people have a stronger need to correct others. The need to be correct and/or to correct others is almost irresistible. Making presumptive statements is an elicitation technique that presents a fact that can be either right or wrong. If the presumptive is correct, people will affirm the fact and often provide additional information. If the presumptive is wrong, people will provide the correct answer, usually accompanied by a detailed explanation as to why it is correct.

Recently I was buying a piece of jewelry, but I was hoping to not pay retail. In order to negotiate the best price, I had to know the markup on the jewelry in the store where I was going to make the purchase and also the clerk’s commission, if any. For obvious reasons, this information is closely held. I knew if I asked direct questions about prices, I would not get the answers I needed to negotiate the best deal, so I used elicitation to get the information I wanted.

CLERK: May I help you?

ME: Yes, I’m looking for a diamond pendant for my wife.

CLERK: We have lots of those. Let me show you what we have.

The clerk handed me a velvet case containing several pendants. I looked intently at one of them.

ME: How much is this one?

CLERK: One hundred and ninety dollars.

ME: Woooh, the markup must be at least 150 percent. (presumptive statement)

CLERK: No. It’s only 50 percent.

ME: And then your 10 percent commission. (presumptive statement)

CLERK: Not that much. I only get 5 percent.

ME: I suppose you don’t have the authority to discount. (presumptive statement)

CLERK: I am authorized to give a 10 percent discount. Anything after that, the manager has to approve.

At this point, I could either take the 10 percent discount or press further. Given the poor economic conditions when I visited this jewelry store, I suspected the manager would be willing to give me a further discount, if he still made a profit.

ME: Ask the manager if he will sell this piece at a 40 percent discount. (I waited patiently as the clerk went into the back room. She returned a few minutes later.)

CLERK: He said the best he can do is 30 percent if you pay cash.

ME: It’s a present for my wife.

Clerk: No problem. I’ll gift wrap it for you. (I not only saved $57, but got gift wrapping, too!)

In this case, using elicitation instead of direct questions yielded valuable information. I was able to ascertain the markup on the jewelry (50 percent) and the clerk’s commission (5 percent), which allowed me to negotiate with confidence. If I did not want to negotiate, I could have taken the automatic 10 percent discount for a savings of $19. Had the clerk not divulged this information, I would have paid full price. Based on the clerk’s behavior, she did not realize she had revealed closely held information.

EMPATHIC ELICITATION

The Empathic Statement is versatile because it can be combined with elicitation techniques. Two empathic elicitation techniques that are based on the human need to correct will be discussed, the empathic presumptive and the empathic conditional. Salespeople routinely use empathic elicitation. Customers are less likely to buy something from someone they don’t like. Salespeople use empathic elicitation to accomplish two goals. First, empathic statements quickly build rapport, and second, empathic elicitation gleans information from customers that they would not normally reveal under direct questioning.

EMPATHIC PRESUMPTIVE

The empathic presumptive keeps the focus of the conversation on the customer and presents a fact as the truth. The presumptive can be either true or an assumed fact regardless of its veracity. If the presumptive is true, the customer will usually add new information to the conversation.

The salesperson could then construct another empathic statement based on the customer’s response to prompt more information. If the presumptive is false, the customer will typically correct the presumptive. Just look at this example:

SALESPERSON: May I help you?

CUSTOMER: Yes, I have to buy a new washer and dryer.

SALESPERSON: So, your old washer and dryer are on their last legs? (empathic presumptive)

CUSTOMER: No, I’m moving to a small apartment.

SALESPERSON: Oh, so you’ll need a compact washer and dryer. Let me show you a popular stacked unit that we sell.

CUSTOMER: Okay.

The salesperson listened to what the customer said, “I have to buy a new washer and dryer,” which suggests the customer’s current washer and dryer are not functioning well. The salesperson used the empathic presumptive to keep the focus on the customer and encourage the customer to affirm or deny the presumptive, “So, your old washer and dryer are on their last legs?” The customer corrected the salesperson by saying, “I’m moving to a small apartment.” This added information identifies what type of unit the salesperson should direct the customer to. The words “have to buy” indicates that the customer is serious about buying a washing machine and dryer as opposed to just looking. The salesperson obtained important facts during the opening exchange of information. First, the customer is a serious buyer and the sales­person knows exactly what category of washer and dryer the customer is likely to purchase. This information saves the customer and the salesperson time. The customer goes home with the product he needs and the salesperson has more time to serve other customers.

EMPATHIC CONDITIONAL

The empathic conditional keeps the focus of the conversation on the customer and introduces a set of circumstances under which the customer would purchase a product or service.

SALESPERSON: Can I help you?

CUSTOMER: No, I’m just looking.

SALESPERSON: So, you haven’t decided which model you want to buy. (empathic statement)

CUSTOMER: I need a new car, but I’m not sure I can afford one.

SALESPERSON: So you’d buy a car, if it were priced right? (empathic conditional)

CUSTOMER: Sure.

SALESPERSON: Do you like red or blue cars?

CUSTOMER: Blue.

SALESPERSON: Let’s take a look at some blue cars in your price range.

In response to the empathic elicitation, the customer identified the reason preventing him from buying a car. The salesperson then used the empathic conditional approach. The empathic conditional keeps the focus on the customer and, at the same time, sets up the if/then conditional “So you’d buy a car, if it were priced right?” The underlying presumption is that the customer is going to buy a car if certain conditions are met. In this case, the condition is price. The empathic conditional helped the salesperson to identify a buying objective. With this new information, the salesperson can direct the customer to lines of cars within his price range.

THE NEED TO RECIPROCATE USING THE PRINCIPLE OF QUID PRO QUO

When people receive something either physically or emotionally, they feel the need to reciprocate by giving back something of equal or greater value (Law of Reciprocity). Quid pro quo is an elicitation technique that encourages people to match information provided by others. For example, you meet a person for the first time and want to know where they work. Instead of directly asking them, “Where do you work?” tell them where you work first. People will tend to reciprocate by telling you where they work. This elicitation technique can be used to discover information about people without being intrusive and appearing nosy.

If you don’t want people to know where you work but are still curious about where they are employed, you can get the needed information from the other person and short-circuit reciprocity by asking the question in a novel way. Say, “Where do you labor?” This question requires additional cognitive processing, which disrupts the need to reciprocate with the question, “Where do you work?”

I used the need to reciprocate when I interviewed suspects. I would always offer the suspect something to drink such as coffee, tea, water, or soda at the beginning of the interview (the television term is interrogation). I did this to invoke the need to reciprocate. In return for the drink, I hope to receive something in return such as intelligence information or a confession.

During your conversation, you should seek common ground (Law of Similarity) with the other person. You should also use empathic statements to keep the focus on that individual. In short, you want to make the other person feel good about themselves (Golden Rule of Friendship), and if you are successful, they will like you and seek future opportunities to share your company.

USING A THIRD-PARTY APPROACH TO DISCOVER THE WAY PEOPLE REALLY FEEL

In general, people are reluctant to talk about themselves and how they really feel about someone or something. However, people are less hesitant to talk about others, perhaps to avoid revealing too much information about themselves. You can use this human characteristic to learn some very closely held (intimate) information about a person of interest. This is achieved by using the elicitation technique known as internal/external foci.

Here’s an example of how the technique works. Most couples in a monogamous relationship would like to know if their partner is predisposed to cheat on them. If you ask your significant other if they would, in fact, cheat on you, rarely will you hear, “Yeah, I don’t have any problem with that.” They may be thinking that, but would surely not say it out loud.

To find out what your loved one really thinks about cheating, you need to approach the topic from a third-person perspective. Instead of asking the direct question, “What do you think about cheating?” you want to say, “My friend Susan caught her husband cheating. What do you think about that?” When a person is confronted with a third-party observation, they tend to look inside themselves to find the answer and tell you what they really think.

Of course, the answer you want to hear is “Cheating is wrong. I would never do that to you.” However, be prepared for answers such as “Everybody cheats nowadays,” “If a wife can’t take care of her husband’s needs, what else is a man to do?” “If my wife treated me the same way she treated him, I’d cheat on her, too,” and “It’s no wonder, they haven’t been getting along lately.”

These answers tend to reflect what a person really thinks about cheating. The individual in this case tends to think that extramarital affairs are acceptable under certain conditions, and he or she is therefore predisposed to cheat when those conditions are met. These “third-person” responses are not 100 percent accurate, but they do provide insights into your loved one’s predisposition to cheat and are much more reflective of his or her true feelings than any answer you might get through direct questions on the issue.

HE’S NOT WORTH THE WEIGHT

A student of mine, Linda, was in a serious relationship with a young man and contemplating marriage. She struggled with a weight problem and exercised regularly to keep in shape. However, she knew that she would eventually gain weight as she aged or if she were to become pregnant. She wanted to know how her boyfriend would feel if she put on extra pounds. She was concerned he might have problems with it.

One evening, Linda suggested to her boyfriend that they watch the TV show The Biggest Loser. The program highlights morbidly obese people who enter into a program that includes exercise, diet, and lifestyle changes to shed pounds. The person who loses the most weight by the end of the show wins a large prize. Halfway through the show, her boyfriend blurted out, “If my wife ever got like that, I’d kick her to the curb.”

Linda’s concerns appeared justified. Her boyfriend was commenting from a third-person perspective, so he revealed his true feelings. She tested him by asking the direct question, “If I ever became overweight, would you kick me to the curb?” Predictably, her boyfriend replied, “No, honey, I’d love you no matter how much you weighed.”

But by using the internal/external foci elicitation technique, she found out how he really felt. She eventually broke up with him.

If you have children, you can use the internal/external elicitation technique to probe their feelings about sensitive issues. For instance, let’s say you want to know if your kids are using drugs. If you asked them the direct question, “Are you using drugs?” they would frame their answer within social norms and answer, “No, of course not, drugs are bad.”

The best way to find out how your children really feel about drugs is to ask them from a third-party perspective. For example, “My friend’s son got caught in school with marijuana. What’s your take on that?” You want to hear “Marijuana is bad and I would never use it.” However, be prepared for “That’s stupid. He should have never brought it to school,” “It’s only weed,” or “No big deal. I know lots of kids who smoke marijuana.” These responses indicate that your kid may be using marijuana or is predisposed to experimentation. Again, these responses are not foolproof evidence of drug use by your child, but they do provide insights into your child’s predisposition.

RULE #4: EMPATHIZE: USE EMPATHIC STATEMENTS AND OTHER VERBAL OBSERVATIONS THAT MAKE YOUR LISTENER(S) AWARE THAT YOU KNOW HOW THEY FEEL.

People develop positive feelings toward those individuals who can “walk in their shoes” and understand what they are experiencing. Your empathic statements and/or statements of concern send a message to the listener that you comprehend their circumstances and realize what they have to say is meaningful. In doing so, you are fulfilling the other person’s need to be recognized and appreciated. This makes them feel better about themselves and in turn makes them feel better about you, which encourages friendship development.

You’ll be amazed at how often you will get the chance to use empathic statements to start conversations and jump-start getting people to like you. All it takes is a willingness to observe people for a few moments before you speak to them. What you will see, more often than you might expect, is the individual you are watching saying or doing something that reveals they are dissatisfied with the current situation they are in. This is especially true when you are dealing with individuals whom you might only confront once, or at infrequent intervals, during your life, such as salespeople, clerks, service personnel, and the like.

You can be almost certain, for example, that if you eat out at a restaurant during prime dinner hours, your server will be rushed. Simply saying, “Boy, you look busy!” will usually bring an affirmative response and, along with it, superior service. The individual you spoke with appreciates that you noticed them and recognized the work challenge they face. It makes them feel better about themselves and, based on the Golden Rule of Friendship, they are going to like you for what you did. If you want to be even more empathic, add a compliment to your original statement that allows them to flatter themselves. “Boy, you’re really busy! I don’t know how you do it.” Or: “Boy, you’re busy! There’s no way I could keep up with all those orders.”

There are times that you don’t need to witness a person of interest’s discomfort or complaints to make effective empathic comments. This happens when you can infer that a person might be experiencing difficulties and would appreciate recognition of their plight. To illustrate: If it is late in the day and you see a woman clerk in high heels working the floor in a department store, you might comment, “Wow, your feet must get tired with you having to stand up at work all day.” Chances are you’re going to be right and the salesperson will respond positively to your empathetic behavior.

Parents can effectively use empathic statements when they want to encourage their children to talk to them, especially when they are teenagers. Most teenagers are reluctant to openly share information and experiences with their parents, for a wide variety of reasons. Demanding, threatening, or cajoling a response typically ends in a shields-up reaction, causing the teen to become more resolute in their determination not to talk with you.

To avoid this nonproductive response, use an empathic statement such as “You look like you are thinking about something pretty serious,” “You look as though something is really bothering you,” or “You’re worried about something.” Your teen might respond in several ways. First, they could agree with you and disclose what is on his or her mind. Second, they could provide a partial response. In this event, construct another empathic statement to tease out a few more details. Most teens want to tell their parents what’s bothering them. They just need a little encouragement and the belief that talking to you is their choice. The third response is a curt reply and silence. In this instance, the applicable empathic statement could be something to the effect of “Something’s bothering you and you don’t want to talk about it right now. When you feel the time is right, let me know and we can talk.”

Showing empathy toward another person, whether it is done through empathic statements or other forms of verbal commentary, is a powerful way to make another person feel better about themselves and make them your friend at the same time. In your friendship toolbox, the empathy tool will be one of your most often used and effective techniques for shaping successful relationships. What you say and how you listen will go a long way in establishing or destroying friendships.

AVOIDING CONVERSATION PITFALLS

Getting people to like you, as we have seen, can be facilitated by encouraging them to talk about themselves while you listen to what they say and using that information to choose and use your various friendship tools to cement the relationship. For this reason, the last thing you want to do is discourage (usually unintentionally) the two-way flow of communication between yourself and the person who you hope will perceive you as a friend. To keep the communication flowing smoothly, be sure to steer clear of common conversation pitfalls that impede verbal exchanges between individuals.

1. Avoid talking about topics that engender negative feelings in your listener. Negative feelings make people feel bad about themselves and, consequently, they will like you less.

2. Don’t constantly complain about your problems, your family’s problems, or the problems of the world. People have enough problems of their own without hearing about yours . . . or anyone else’s for that matter.

3. Avoid talking excessively about yourself. Talking about yourself too much bores other people. Keep the focus on the other person in your conversation.

4. Do not engage in meaningless chatter; it turns people (and the Like Switch) off.

5. Avoid expressing too little or too much emotion. Extreme displays of emotion may put you in a bad light.

PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER

Verbal behavior is a vital component in activating the Like Switch and keeping it lit. What you say, how you listen, and how you respond to what you hear plays a huge role in determining how successful you will be in making friends and learning information without appearing intrusive. Using the tools in this chapter will help you achieve success in speaking the language of friendship. You have my word on that!