ساختن نزدیکی

6

BUILDING CLOSENESS

The loftiest edifices need the deepest foundations.

—GEORGE SANTAYANA

Making friends requires a particular bonding agent to hold the relationship together: rapport. When you “connect” with another person you have rapport. It is the ground from which the relationships grows. As noted writer and speaker Kevin Hogan observed, “Building rapport begins with you.” If you want to make friends, it is your responsibility to establish rapport and then, if you want to continue beyond a brief encounter, to strengthen that rapport to expand the relationship into a cohesive, long-lasting bond.

This chapter has all the tools you need to establish and build rapport, but first let’s return for a moment to the friend-foe continuum.

FRIEND–STRANGER–FOE

The friend-foe continuum makes no distinction in the levels of friendship that are possible between not knowing anyone at all (stranger) and the friend end of the continuum. Obviously, such differences exist and these differences in turn dictate how rapport should be developed in our personal encounters. These different levels of friendship are depicted in the following:

STRANGER–CASUAL ENCOUNTER–ACQUAINTANCE–FRIEND–SIGNIFICANT OTHER

Looking at this “friendship continuum,” you can see that the level of contacts increases in significance, moving from a brief, infrequent interaction to a potentially lifelong relationship. Building rapport becomes more important as we evolve along the continuum from the “casual encounter” to the “significant other.” This is because the interaction becomes more intense and meaningful as people who were once strangers become an increasingly integral part of each other’s lives.

This chapter is designed to help you understand how and whether you are effectively building closeness with persons of interest.

BUILDING RAPPORT

People are communal beings. We naturally seek to connect to other people. Rapport builds a psychological bridge between people and paves the way for various levels of friendship to develop. If I can build rapport with you I can be relatively certain you will like me. It’s that simple.

When I interviewed witnesses and suspects, my first task was to build a psychological connection between myself and the person I was interviewing. People, especially suspects, rarely open up to people they don’t like. In the case with suspects, I am asking that person to reveal secrets that would put him or her in prison for a long time. On one occasion, I interviewed a repeat sexual assault suspect. We connected on the topic of sports. Once the rapport bridge was established, I was able to delve deeper into his personal life. Eventually, the suspect confessed his crimes. The suspect voluntarily maintained his connection with me long after his trial, conviction, and sentencing through a series of unanswered letters he sent me. In the letters he thanked me for being his friend and treating him with respect. Treating the suspect with respect is possible; being his friend was an illusion; nonetheless, his letters provide a testament of the power of connecting with other people.

TESTING FOR RAPPORT

Testing for rapport is important in any personal interaction because it lets us know “how we are doing” and “where we stand” in developing a relationship with any given individual. Even in a onetime encounter with someone, particularly if we want something from them, testing for rapport is important to determine when and if we have reached a point in the relationship where we can attempt to achieve our relationship objectives. That being said, testing for rapport reaches its most significant level of importance when we are interested in developing closer, more enduring relationships over time.

Sometimes there is an overlap between the behaviors we use to build rapport and the behaviors we use to test for rapport. In these cases, the degree and intensity of the behaviors vary as personal relationships strengthen or weaken and provide us with an objective measure of a deepening or dying relationship. For example, eye gaze is a way to build rapport. The length of that gaze is used to test for rapport, providing a measure of how far the relationship has developed or deteriorated. What follows are some of the important behaviors that can be used to test for the foundation of friendships between individuals.

TOUCHING

Touching represents a reliable gauge to measure the intensity of a relationship. When strangers meet, they typically touch one another on the arms below the shoulders or on the hands, as was discussed earlier in the book. Any touching that occurs outside this public touch zone suggests a more intense relationship.

Women who feel comfortable with the person they are talking to will often reach out and give the other person a light touch on the forearm or knee if they are both seated. This light touch indicates that rapport has been established.

Men often mistake a light touch to the forearm or knee as an invitation to have sex. This is rarely the case. Men, more so than women, tend to interpret nonverbal gestures signaling good rapport as a sexual offer. When a woman gives a man a light touch, the only safe assumption he can make is that she likes him, and nothing more. This male tendency to assume a woman’s touch is a sexual invitation often damages budding relationships, often beyond repair.

The most intimate (nonsexual) place a man can touch a woman in public is the small of her back. This place is reserved for men who have earned the right to make an intimate public display of affection. Touching the small of a woman’s back can also serve as a relationship indicator. If, for example, you see a woman you’d like to meet speaking with another man, you can test the strength of their relationship by observing the actions of the man as you approach. If the man extends his arm and hovers over the small of the woman’s back, he is staking his claim, but he has not yet earned the right to invade the woman’s personal space. This gesture means that you still have a chance to gain her affection without interfering with an ongoing, committed relationship.

If a man attempts to prematurely touch the small of a woman’s back, she will often flinch and show nonverbal signs of discomfort, or a combination thereof. On the other hand, if, as you approach, the man firmly touches the small of the woman’s lower back or hip region, you should assume that the relationship has progressed well beyond the introductory stage and you should look elsewhere for companionship.

THE SPY WHO WAS TAKEN ABACK

Touching the small of the back provided a critical clue in an espionage case against an FBI agent who, it turned out, provided classified information to a foreign government for over twenty years. This agent recruited a source from a country hostile to the United States. Over the period of their relationship, the source convinced the agent to provide classified information that was eventually passed on to the hostile foreign government.

The members of the Behavioral Analysis Program obtained a series of videotapes depicting the agent interacting with his source. On one of the tapes, he was observed touching his source on the small of her back. Based on this gesture, the BAP team was able to determine that on or before that date the FBI agent had engaged in sex with his source. A possible motive was detected for the agent to knowingly provide classified information to a hostile government. This led to an investigation that uncovered his complicity in the illegal transmission of classified documents to a foreign government.

PREENING (“GROOMING”) BEHAVIORS

Preening gestures such as picking lint off a partner’s clothes or straightening his tie or coat are also signs of good rapport. Self-preening, on the other hand, particularly when it is done to avoid looking at the other person or carried on over an extended period of time, is often a foe signal indicating lack of interest in the relationship.

Researchers identified a list of grooming behaviors that can be used to assess the intensity of romantic relationships. The more grooming behaviors that are present, the more intense the relationship. This checklist is a good way to assess your romantic relationships. Holly Nelson and Glen Geher developed the following partial list of positive grooming activities.

1. Do you run your fingers through your significant other’s hair?

2. Do you wash your significant other’s hair or body while ­showering/bathing?

3. Do you shave your significant other’s legs/face?

4. Do you wipe away your significant other’s tears when he or she cries?

5. Do you brush or play with your significant other’s hair?

6. Do you wipe away or dry liquid spills off your significant other?

7. Do you clean and/or trim your significant other’s fingernails or toenails?

8. Do you brush dirt, leaves, lint, bugs, etc. off your significant other?

9. Do you scratch your significant other’s back or other body parts?

10. Do you wipe food and/or crumbs off your significant other’s face or body?

ISOPRAXISM (MIRRORING THE BEHAVIOR OF ANOTHER PERSON)

We discussed isopraxism/mirroring to build rapport in Chapter 2. So, how do you test for it? By checking for its presence over time through what is referred to as the “lead and follow” approach.

People who are psychologically connected mirror one another’s body gestures. Intentionally mirroring another individual’s body language promotes rapport. When you first meet someone, you’ll want to mirror his or her gestures to establish rapport. At some point during the conversation, you can test your rapport with the other person by using the lead-and-follow technique. Heretofore, you have been mirroring the other person. Now you want to see if they mirror your gestures, signaling rapport. Change your body position. If you have established rapport, the other person should mirror you within twenty to thirty seconds.

In the lead-and-follow approach to testing for rapport, you are changing your body position by crossing or uncrossing your arms and legs or making some other obvious change in your posture. If the other person mirrors the same gesture, rapport has been established. However, if the other person does not respond in like kind, then you have the option of continuing to build rapport, followed by a new lead-and-follow test to see if rapport has been established after your additional efforts have been expended.

HAIR FLIP

A head toss accompanied by a momentary flip of the hair with the hand is an indicator of rapport.

The key nonverbal display during a hair flip is mutual gaze, which is a strong positive sign that rapport has been established. The three pictures that follow show a “hair flip” in sequence, as it would actually appear in real time.

Observe the hair flip carefully when testing for rapport. This is because a hair flip, without mutual gaze, that is, a hair flip accompanied by broken eye contact, is a strong negative signal indicating a lack of rapport. This gesture is commonly referred to as a “bitch flip.”

POSTURAL POSITIONING

A good way to test for rapport is to note the posture of the two individuals who are interacting. Two behaviors are of particular value.

INWARD LEANING

Individuals lean toward people or things they like and distance themselves from those they don’t. People who are in good rapport lean toward one another. During predeployment training for interrogators going to Iraq, I noticed that the majority of the soldiers were leaning backward during the first hour of my presentation. Just prior to the break, using an empathic statement, I told them I didn’t feel as though I was making a connection with them. The soldiers nodded in unison. They told me they had been to Iraq on two previous deployments and the material I was teaching them was too basic. I told them to take a fifteen-minute break and I would go to my office to retrieve the advanced training manual. Had I not noticed the lack of rapport between myself and the class during the first hour, the entire training session would have been wasted.

OPEN POSTURE

People who are in good rapport assume an open body posture. An open posture signals attraction and openness to communication. It consists of gestures that include uncrossed legs and arms, a high rate of hand movements during speech, palms-up displays, a slight forward lean, and the display of friend signals. This communicates warmth, trust, and friendliness. To add to the impact of open posture, one can use head nodding, head tilts, and verbal encouragers such as “I see,” “Uh-huh,” or “Go on.”

A person experiencing good rapport does not feel threatened by the person with whom they are interacting and therefore is comfortable assuming an open posture. An individual who feels threatened in the same situation tends to assume a closed body posture to protect himself from a threat or perceived threat. A closed posture can also indicate a lack of interest.

Closed posture displays are typically the opposite of open posture displays. These include tightly crossed arms, a low rate of hand movements, and few friend signals. If the person you are talking with is looking at you but their torso and feet are pointing in another direction, he or she is not fully engaged. A person’s feet will often point in another direction to subconsciously telegraph a desire to leave. Other signs of disinterest are backward leaning of the body or head, supporting the head with the hands, or negative grooming behaviors such as picking at teeth or nails.

TORSO REPOSITIONING

People who share rapport will orient themselves toward each other. Leaning in or away from someone is one form of torso shift indicating good or poor rapport. Another type of torso shift is illustrated in the two photographs on the following page. This type of nonverbal body movement involves shifting the torso so it faces the person of interest more directly. Such a body shift is a good indication of increasing rapport between the individuals involved.

In testing for rapport using torso movements, the basic rule to remember is that people who share rapport will orient their bodies toward each other. This is the typical sequence for achieving such an orientation: First, the other person’s head will turn toward you. Second, the other person’s shoulders will turn toward you. Finally, the other person will reposition his or her torso so that it directly faces you. When this occurs, you can be confident that rapport has been established.

BARRIERS

A good way to test for rapport is to look for barriers that individuals place and/or remove between themselves and other people. People who do not feel comfortable with other individuals will erect barriers or leave ones already there in place. On the other hand, individuals who feel at ease with the person with whom they are interacting will keep an open space between them, even if it involves removing barriers that are already between them.

Attempts to block the body or chest are a foe signal. You can send this nonverbal message at the dinner table by placing or leaving a centerpiece between yourself and the individual sitting across from you.

Barriers can be formed by the positioning of hands and feet or placing an inanimate object between individuals. Some of the nonverbal behaviors and inanimate objects that create barriers are listed below. When you see these kinds of barriers, you can assume that good rapport has not been established between the individuals involved.

ARM CROSSING

Arm crossing serves as a psychological barrier to protect individuals from topics that cause them psychological anxiety. People who are in good rapport do not feel threatened, nor do they feel anxious. If the person you are talking to suddenly crosses his or her arms, then rapport has not yet been established or it signals weakening rapport. People who feel uncomfortable with the person they are talking to or the topic being discussed tend to cross their arms over their chest.

BUILDING BARRIERS WITH INANIMATE OBJECTS

The placement of soft drink cans, pillows, purses, and other movable objects between you and another person signals discomfort and a lack of rapport. A woman who does not have good rapport with the person she is talking with will often use her purse to create a barrier. This usually involves picking up her purse from the floor and bringing it to her lap. This signals that rapport has not yet been established or that the rapport is deteriorating.

PILLOW TALK

I explained the function of barriers to a new agent I was training. He was a little skeptical about the effectiveness of the technique until he interviewed a particular witness. We interviewed the witness at her home. She sat on the couch and we sat in two wing-backed chairs across from her. The new agent asked the witness to provide a description of the suspect. The witness hesitated, reached for a couch pillow, and placed it on her lap. The new agent gave me a sideward glance to let me know that he had picked up on the nonverbal tell that the witness was uncomfortable describing the suspect. The new agent constructed an empathic statement. “Ma’am, you seem to be uncomfortable about identifying the suspect.” “I sure am,” she admitted. “I don’t want that guy coming back and hurting me.” The agent constructed a follow-up empathic statement: “So, you’re worried about retribution.” “Yeah,” she sighed. A change in the witness’s nonverbal language signaled a change in her psychological disposition. Watching for subtle changes in people’s nonverbal language often communicates more information than anything the person might say.

The agent took the time to discuss the woman’s fear and gave her reasons that her fear was unfounded. Once he was able to eliminate the witness’s fear of retaliation, not surprisingly, she returned the couch pillow to the corner of the couch. The connection between the new agent and the witness had been reestablished.

PROLONGED EYE CLOSURE

Anxious people will signify their uneasiness by prolonged eye closure. Their eyelids serve as a barrier to prevent them from seeing the person or thing that makes them anxious or uncomfortable. On several occasions when I entered my boss’s office I saw him close his eyelids for one to two seconds. This display let me know that he was busy and did not want to talk to me at that time. My boss and I generally shared good rapport, but on those days when he displayed prolonged eye closure, I quickly excused myself. My boss would not welcome my requests, comments, or suggestions when his nonverbal behavior indicated he wanted to be left alone.

EYE-BLINK RATE

When people experience anxiety, they tend to increase their eye-blink rate. The normal rate for most people is fifteen blinks per minute. As people become more anxious, their rate increases or decreases from their normal baseline rate. Each person has a slightly different “normal” eye blink rate and thus their personal rate must be calibrated at the beginning of your interaction with them.

CUP POSITIONING

As you may recall, 70 percent of all information is transferred between individuals over food and drink. People who eat or drink together are predisposed to talk. Watching where a person places his or her cup can signal if rapport has been established. If the person across from you places his or her cup between the two of you, the cup forms a barrier, which signals that rapport has not yet been established. If the person places it to either side, leaving open the space between the two of you, this signals that rapport has been established. The three pictures that follow show a couple developing good rapport.

Note in the first photo how the two cups form a barrier between the couple at the table. In the second photo, the young lady is about to take a drink, while the young man has already sipped from his cup. In the third snapshot, the woman has finished her drink and placed it to one side, leaving an open space between herself and the young man, who is still holding his cup but is clearly about to place it on the other side of the table to clear the space between them of any barriers.

Barrier-removing behaviors between you and the person you are talking to signal good rapport. You can monitor rapport during conversations by watching where people place their cups or other objects on the table. If the person you are talking to unexpectedly places their cup in front of you, then this gesture could signal weakening rapport. In other words, cup or object positioning can serve as a barometer of rapport to signal whether it is dissipating or increasing. This is seen in the series of photos that follows on page 180.

In the first photo, we see a couple seated at a table with a vase of flowers between them. In the next two photos, we see the young man removing the barrier (flowers) between himself and the young lady by picking up the vase and placing it on the side. The fourth photo shows increasing rapport with no barrier, and the young couple leaning in toward each other, displaying head tilts and smiling. The fifth picture displays still stronger rapport, as the male and female are now holding hands. The sixth picture captures the strongest rapport of all, as the young man is whispering to his companion, whispering being another strong sign of good rapport.

BEHAVIORS THAT INDICATE THE PRESENCE OR ABSENCE OF RAPPORT

Here are some of the “tells” you will want to watch for in determining where you are in the rapport-building process.

Friend Signals Signifying Rapport

Eyebrow flashes

Head tilt

Frequent smiles

Mutual gaze

Intimate touching

Isopraxism (mirroring behavior)

Inward lean (toward another person)

Whispering

Expressive gestures

Open body posture

Removal of barriers/obstacles

Wide-open eyes

Puckering or licking of lips (women)

Frequent nods

Sharing food (“food forking”)

Preening (“grooming”) your partner

Hair flip

Foe Signals Signifying a Lack of Rapport

Furrowed eyebrows

Eye rolls

Cold stares

Prolonged eye closure and/or gaze aversion

No (or very limited) touching

Asynchronous posture

Leaning away (from another person)

Hair twirling (unless a “habit”)

Aggressive stance and/or attack posture

Closed body posture

Creation or use of barriers/obstacles

Eye squints

Fake yawns

Negative head shakes

Scrunched nose

Self-preening

Bitch flip