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7

NURTURING AND SUSTAINING LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS

People don’t care about how much you know until they first know how much you care.

—ZIG ZIGLAR

All long-term relationships start out as short-term relationships and develop the same way as all friendships do, through an understanding and utilization of all the tools for building and sustaining rapport. As time passes, some of our relationships grow from friendship to romantic. When a relationship has matured to being a loving interaction, a new behavioral focus is required to keep the passion and the partnership intact and intense.

This behavior, simple to understand but challenging to sustain, is caring. Think for a moment of every person you have known on more than a casual basis, such as family, friends, colleagues, and mentors. Then ask yourself: “Which of these individuals would I hold in highest esteem and carry out their wishes most willingly?” Chances are that person is someone who you believe cares about you. You sense this in their actions and in their general demeanor.

Trying to define caring is a bit like defining the term pornography. When a Supreme Court justice was asked to define that term he answered, “I can’t define it, but I can recognize it when I see it.” So, too, with caring. To try to use words to capture the essence of caring leaves us struggling to recognize the emotional, deeply passionate component of what caring is all about, even though we can readily recognize it when we experience it. Caring is about the heart rather than the head. It is about a relationship that goes beyond robotic, intellectual, surface interactions and taps into the very essence of who we are at our innermost level of feeling.

Caring allows us to reach the higher elevations of relationship growth, and the letters that spell out the word also tell us what we need to do to care effectively.

C = Compassion/concern

A = Active listening

R = Reinforcement

E = Empathy

Let’s examine each of these words in turn to help define what must be done to keep long-term relationships with significant others healthy and happy.

COMPASSION/CONCERN

People who are caring individuals show an honest concern for others. Not a passing comment or a flippant response to someone who is hurting, but rather a genuine sense of compassion for what that person is experiencing and a commitment to help make things better. In long-term relationships there will be many times when one or both partners are facing crises. It is here where the true level of concern, or lack of it, becomes evident. It is relatively easy to maintain a long-term relationship when things are going well; it is in the crucible of a crisis that the true character of an individual is revealed and found to be wonderful or wanting.

In a sense, there is little one can imagine that is more beautiful than two people who have come to depend on each other to be there as a caring partner when the need arises, as it most certainly will. Perhaps the most enduring form of caring comes when one person becomes a caregiver for a sick or injured partner. To witness this kind of selfless sacrifice, day after day, sometimes year after year, is to see the embodiment of caring in its purest form.

Hopefully, you will never be called upon to care for a significant other in sickness (rather than in health). Fortunately, on a daily basis you can do little things that let your partner know you care about them. Sharing the workload, doing something extra special for no reason, taking the time to give a compliment to your “special person,” offering reassurance when they falter, being there when they need you, offering a kind word and a helping hand: These are all acts of caring that a compassionate individual undertakes. This kind of caring is “loving someone from the inside,” and when you give it from your heart it will be received with heartfelt gratitude.

I was sitting in a crowded Washington, D.C., shopping mall food court having lunch and as I was walking to the trash receptacle, I thought I heard my name being called. I scanned the crowd and didn’t notice anyone trying to get my attention so I continued walking. I then heard my full name being called. I turned and saw a young lady approaching. She stopped and introduced herself, but I didn’t recognize her. She told me that she wanted to thank me for saving her life. I gave her a quizzical look. She continued, “I was one of the girls who was kidnapped about ten years ago.” Instantly, I flashed back to the day she and her friend were rescued by two police officers in a hail of gunfire. I reminded her that the two police officers were the ones who saved her life. She acknowledged that the officers rescued her from her kidnapper, but I was the one who saved her life. “How so?” I asked.

“I was an emotional wreck,” she said. “Your kindness and compassion got me started on the healing process.” I recalled being assigned to the case. My supervisor tasked me to interview her after she was freed. It took about a month to get her calmed down enough to tell me what happened without breaking down. I spent about an hour each day just letting her talk things out. Empathic statements were crucial. We rarely discussed the actual kidnapping event but, eventually, I was able to conduct a detailed interview of the then-fourteen-year-old victim. I completed the interview and never saw her again, nor did I give her another thought, but she remembered. “You may have forgotten me,” she said, “but I will always remember your acts of kindness. I don’t think I would have recovered without your help.” I thanked her and told her that I was just doing my job. I put my tray on the service counter and we parted. I realized then that words spoken, which are often long forgotten by the speaker, can continue to have a profound impact on the listener.

ACTIVE LISTENING

Active listening means you are using verbal and nonverbal cues along with empathic statements when the other person is speaking. Some of the earlier suggestions in Chapter 5 involving active listening take on added significance in long-term relationships, where years of inter­active communication with the same individual can give us a better understanding of how to strengthen or weaken personal bonds.

In long-term relationships, communication is a key element in sustaining or draining the feelings we have toward one another. Open, honest interchanges between long-term partners build trust, demonstrate a caring attitude, and provide vital information about the on­going health of the relationship.

If, from the start of any relationship, you have been a proponent and practitioner of active listening, you will have a great advantage the longer the relationship lasts. This is because you will have a far better understanding of your partner’s particular needs, personal “quirks,” interests, personality, desires, fears, and which conversational topics are to be explored or avoided.

Without active listening, it is possible for some couples who have been together for decades to have literally no idea how their partner really feels or what they want. This is because they haven’t paid attention to what their partner was saying! As hard as it might be to believe this could happen, it does; sadly, more often than most people would care to admit. Active listening allows open, two-way communication, where the give-and-take of information is facilitated by active speaking and listening.

One of the greatest benefits of active listening in a long-term relationship is the ability to make finer discriminations concerning how to best care for your partner. Whereas in a new or early-stage relationship the chance of saying “the wrong thing” is a distinct possibility, these conversational errors should drop off dramatically (even disappear altogether) as the relationship matures and the parties to the interaction get to know each other better through active listening.

Any individual who has actively listened to his or her long-term significant other knows full well what word mines to avoid and the hot-button issues that shouldn’t be pressed. A caring person uses this information to strengthen the relationship. On the other hand, this knowledge can be used to weaken and even destroy relationships. This occurs most frequently during fights when one party to the argument purposely “pushes” the other person’s hot button, effectively escalating the conflict and inflicting mental pain at the same time. This is a very bad strategy to employ, even if a person is mad or it helps win an argument. The problem is that long after the argument is over and the reason it started is forgotten, the emotional aftermath of being hurt by a person’s words will linger.

Even though it might be tempting to use information you have learned from previous discussions to win an argument or “get in your licks” during a fight, don’t do it if your partner considers such information “off-limits.” Resist the temptation to lash out with your tongue! Over time, if a person persists in deliberately tripping word mines, pushing hot-button issues, or bringing up topics that are considered off-limits in arguments, the relationship might very well collapse as a result.

KEEP YOUR VOICE AWAY FROM THE HOT BUTTON!

Be an effective active listener. Not only will you be seen as more caring; you will also achieve a greater understanding of your partner and strengthen your relationship in the process. Here are a few additional hints to make your active listening more effective:

• Let your partner finish what they are saying before you begin talking.

• Important discussions deserve an appropriate setting where you can easily hear what your partner is saying (don’t talk about finances or life-changing events in a noisy, crowded restaurant!).

• Don’t be thinking of what you’ll be saying while your partner is talking; focus on their words, not your thoughts.

• If your partner is introverted and finds it uncomfortable to speak, encourage them with head nods and verbal nudges (see Chapter 5).

• Observe your partner while they speak. Communication is nonverbal as well as verbal. Also, by paying attention to your partner they are most likely to see you as sincerely interested in what they have to say.

• Be prepared to compliment your partner when they make a good point or suggestion.

• When you hear something you don’t like or agree with, don’t automatically dismiss the comment or go on the offensive. Give the observation some thought and see if there might be some truth in what was said or, at least, some room for reaching a compromise that is satisfactory to both partners.

• If your partner is clearly wrong in a given situation, try to help them find a face-saving way to gracefully own up to their error.

• You can even suggest a “time-out” if you feel the conversation is becoming confrontational.

REINFORCEMENT

Reinforcement is the use of reward and punishment meted out by one individual to another in a relationship. Here are some errors you don’t want to make in dealing with your significant other:

1. Being Unaware That Your Style of Interaction Leads to the Inappropriate Administration of Rewards and/or Punishments to Others on a Day-to-Day Basis.

Some people, when involved in a long-term relationship, exhibit consistent patterns of reinforcement with their partner that are not conducive to maximizing relationship satisfaction. There are three kinds of individuals who use reinforcement inappropriately.

The Negativistic Partner

Their motto: “Emphasize the negative; ignore the positive.”

Their credo: “What credit do you deserve for doing something right? That’s your job!”

Their behavioral approach to a partner: negativity and punishment.

Negativistic partners seem to have mastered the “See, I told you so” routine when you’re wrong and the “I don’t see you” routine when you’re right. The person living with a negativistic partner usually utters this oft-heard lament: “The only time I hear from my partner is when I do something wrong.” Is it any wonder such behavior creates bitterness and a sense of frustration? Nobody likes to feel that when they do something good, it is ignored, while any mistakes receive maximum attention. As one wife so aptly told her husband, “At least if you’re going to criticize my mistakes, give equal time to my successes.” Negativistic partners need to recognize that it is appropriate to criticize their significant other if they do something wrong that needs correcting; however, it is also appropriate to praise that individual when they do something well.

The Perfectionistic Partner

Their motto: “There’s always room for improvement.”

Their credo: “If it isn’t perfect; it isn’t worth it.”

Their behavioral approach to a partner: sets unreasonable standards.

The perfectionistic partner demands high levels of effort to achieve perfection when competency will suffice with far less effort expended. Perfectionistic individuals aren’t unwilling to praise their partners for a task or chore well done, as long as it is done perfectly. And therein lies the problem. Because the perfectionistic partner sets standards so high, hardly anybody can reach the level of performance necessary to trigger a kind word. Thus the perfectionistic partner does the negativistic partner one better, requiring such high levels of performance it is literally impossible to satisfy them in the first place! The most successful way perfectionistic partners can modify their over-the-top demands in a relationship is to temper their standards to a reasonable level, one that values competency and doesn’t demand behavioral performance that is largely beyond reach. Perfectionistic partners should come to understand that the amount of time and effort needed to turn competent performance into perfect performance is seldom worth it.

The Sadistic Partner

Their motto: “One mistake wipes out all good performance.”

Their credo: “To err is human; to pay for it, divine.”

Their behavioral approach: a total imbalance between the rewarding of good performance versus the punishment of errors or mistakes.

Sadistic partners earn their title because they remind us of naughty children who pick the wings off butterflies. On the surface, they seem kind enough. They give praise and recognition to their partners on a regular basis. But, wait! These individuals have a unique, and unrealistic, way of balancing their compliments and criticism when it comes to dealing with their partners. Here’s how they operate: Their partners can accumulate as many compliments as their behaviors warrant, but if they do something wrong along the way, that one mistake “wipes out” all or most of the praise earned along the way. To the sadistic partner who wants to change for the better, you must recognize a level of “equity” between the weighing of good versus not-so-good behavior on the part of your significant other, and a recognition that accumulated incidents of positive behavior should not be rendered worthless because of one negative incident.

1. Not Paying Enough “Positive Attention” to Your Partner.

One of the unfortunate realities of long-term relationships is the natural tendency for partners to lose some of the passion that drove them to shower each other with attention, compliments, and “little acts of affection” during the early stages of their interaction. This is unfortunate, because human beings never outgrow the need for positive attention. The sense that someone close to them appreciates them and is willing to show it by performing small acts of kindness and offering compliments on a regular basis is critical to the health and robustness of long-term relationships.

Here are some ways you can give your partner that special feeling of being appreciated:

• Praise your partner when they do something well. It could be a problem they solved at work. Possibly, it could involve some civic or social honor they achieved. It might even be nothing more than they took the time to get you your special dessert at the bakery on the way home. Let your partner know you appreciate them by praising them. The praise should never be offered to “get something” from the person being praised. It should be given only when it is deserved and you can give it honestly. The good news is praise doesn’t cost money. All it takes is a willingness to observe your partner so you can spot the praiseworthy behavior when it occurs and then the effort required to actually voice your positive attention.

• Don’t forget a partner’s significant milestones such as birthdays, anniversaries, special events, and so forth. It is remarkable what a store-bought card with a personal message included can do to make a partner feel really good about themselves and, based on the Golden Rule of Friendship, feel good about you as well.

• Encourage your partner to participate in decision making, particularly major decisions that affect both of you. That means including your partner in financial planning, large purchase decisions, occupational changes or moves, and health issues. People are more willing to go along with whatever decision is reached in a matter if they feel they have had some say in what is decided. This is because they feel included and have “ownership” of the idea. Not only will they be more likely to concur and go along with a decision when they have been consulted, but also they will do so in a more motivated, enthusiastic ­manner.

• When appropriate, give “public recognition” to your partner by letting others know what special accomplishment he or she has achieved. Although your partner might “act” embarrassed or downplay what they have accomplished when you point this out to others when they are present, this shouldn’t deter you in most cases. Even introverts will be amenable to public recognition as long as it is done tastefully and not in too flamboyant a style.

1. Not Rewarding Your Partner Correctly Because What You Think They Want and What They Actually Want Do Not Coincide

Remember back to a holiday or birthday when, as a child, you received a gift you really didn’t want. It was even worse if the gift came from the one relative or friend that had the most money to spend and you were depending on them for that new bike or wad of cash, and instead wound up with a suit or a set of encyclopedias.

Don’t make this kind of mistake with your partner. Even if you are well-intentioned and spend a lot of thought and effort getting your special person that special gift, it will not be appreciated if it is not something he or she wanted in the first place. One would think that after ten, twenty, or thirty years or more, partners would have a good idea of what each other wants. Amazingly, this is not always the case. The husband who buys his wife a vacuum cleaner for Valentine’s Day is not just the stuff of advertisements and urban legends; it actually does happen.

What’s the best way to make sure that what you get someone is what he or she wants? Ask! Or, even better, listen to what they say and you will probably be able to detect what it is they want. Be observant. An open catalogue on the kitchen table with an item circled in red ink might provide a clue.

One of the problems with asking a person what they want is you give them what they desire, but it isn’t a “surprise.” One way around this, particularly when it comes to giving gifts for holidays, is to have your partner put suggested pictures of items they would enjoy receiving in a special box. For instance, it could be an ad for a vacation, or a desired household item or possibly a menu from a special restaurant. That way, the partner can choose one of the items from the box and purchase it, and the person receiving the gift won’t know which one to expect. The element of surprise, although not total, does add more excitement to gift exchanges.

EMPATHY

Empathy is the final component of CARE and a critical component of any successful long-term relationship. Being able to sense how your partner feels, and caring about it, is essential to maintaining a good relationship. People who have been together for a long time have a natural advantage when it comes to empathizing with their partner. They have had years to learn even the most subtle nuances of that individual’s moods, unique needs, and behavioral idiosyncrasies.

It is amazing what a kind word will do when you sense your partner is feeling down. Using empathic statements such as “You must really be hurting” when learning your loved one has suffered a setback sends a powerful message that you were caring enough to pick up on the problem and willing to take the time to express your concern. “Being there” for a partner who is physically or psychologically hurting provides great comfort, and such compassion is remembered and cherished.

Empathy is such an important part of relationships it has been recognized and extolled for decades as a critical tool in shaping relationships of all kinds: short term, long term, personal, and business. No less a luminary than Henry Ford summed it up nicely when he observed: “If there is any one secret of success it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”

Concern/compassion, Active listening, Reinforcement, and Empathy are the components of CARE that turn short-term friendships into long-term relationships, and long-term relationships into all they are capable of becoming.

HOW TO DEAL WITH ANGRY PEOPLE (INCLUDING YOURSELF): PRACTICING ANGER MANAGEMENT

The tools you have been provided to carve out satisfying short and long-term relationships are designed to work with almost anyone (no, psychopaths are not included!). This doesn’t mean that any given relationship will be totally satisfying and devoid of conflict. Even the best of friends and significant others can have disagreements, even angry disagreements, when in bad moods or on opposite sides of an issue. Learning to deal with anger, which is inevitable in any relationship, is an important skill you’ll want to develop for getting over the rough spots in any interpersonal interaction.

HOW TO SUCCESSFULLY HANDLE ANGER IN PERSON-TO-PERSON INTERACTION

Angry friends, coworkers, or family members create stress. They can make your work and home life most unpleasant. Developing effective anger management strategies forms the cornerstone for goodwill and a distinctly more pleasant environment, at home and in the office.

An effective anger management strategy involves keeping the focus of the conversation on the angry party, allowing him or her to vent, and in addition provides a directed course of action to deal with the problem that caused the anger in the first place. This breaks the anger cycle and allows for the resolution of crisis situations without damaging personal relationships. People will like you more as a result of your handling of a crisis situation because in the end you will make the angry party feel good about themselves by reducing their stress and, equally important, yours as well. Here are some guidelines for handling anger in the best way possible.

Do Not Engage Angry People Because They Are Not Thinking Logically

Anger triggers the fight or flight response, which mentally and physically prepares the body for survival. During the fight or flight response, the body automatically responds to a threat without conscious thought. As the threat increases, a person’s ability to reason diminishes. Angry people experience the same phenomenon because anger is a reaction to a real or perceived threat. Angry people talk and act without thinking. The level of their cognitive impairment depends on the intensity of their anger. The more angry people become, the less likely they are to logically process information. Angry individuals are not open to solutions when they are mad, because their ability to think logically is impaired.

The body takes about twenty minutes to return to normal after a full fight or flight response. In other words, angry people need time to calm down before they can think clearly again. Angry people will not completely comprehend any explanations, solutions, or problem-solving options until they can think logically again. Allowing for this refractory period is a critical part of any anger management strategy. The first strategy for breaking the anger cycle is “Never try to rationally engage angry people.” Anger must be vented before offering problem solving solutions.

It is imperative when confronting an angry individual to take “time off to cool off.” One writer suggests that when dealing with an angry friend, colleague, or partner you should “go to the balcony.” This is another way of indicating that you need to step back from the fire and let things cool off a bit before returning to the flames.

In many instances, providing a simple explanation can assuage anger. People want to feel like they are in control. Angry people seek order in a world that no longer makes sense to them. The inability to make sense of a disordered world causes frustration. This frustration is expressed as anger. Providing an explanation for a given behavior or problem will often reorder a disordered world and soothe the angered person’s feelings in the process. The following exchange between a super­visor and a subordinate demonstrates the use of this technique:

SUPERVISOR: I expected you to have your report done by this morning. Your behavior is unacceptable. (anger)

EMPLOYEE: I couldn’t complete the report because I didn’t receive the data from the sales department. They said they would send it within the hour. (provide an explanation)

SUPERVISOR: All right. Get the report finished as soon as possible. (anger resolution)

If angry people do not accept the simple explanation for a problem, the potential for verbal escalation increases significantly. Anger needs fuel. The increased anger provokes you to give a more intense response, which provides additional fuel to an angry supervisor. If this anger cycle continues, at some point your fight or flight threshold is crossed, causing a reduction in your ability to think logically. Problem solving becomes impossible when both you and the other person get caught up in the anger cycle.

Try the “Big Three” Approach to Breaking the Anger Cycle: Empathic Statements, Venting, and Presumptive Statements

Empathic statements capture a person’s verbal message, physical status, or emotions, and using parallel language, reflect them back to the speaker. Venting reduces frustration. Once angry people are provided a chance to vent their frustrations, they become more open to solutions because they think more clearly when they are not angry. Presumptive statements direct angry people to take a course of action that leads toward the resolution of the conflict that aroused their ire in the first place. Presumptive statements are constructed in such a fashion that angry individuals have difficulty not following the directed (recommended) course of action. The following dialogue demonstrates the big-three approach to breaking the anger cycle.

SUPERVISOR: I expected you to have your report done by this morning. Your behavior is unacceptable. (anger)

EMPLOYEE: I couldn’t complete the report because I didn’t receive the data from the sales department. They said they would send it within the hour. (provide an explanation)

SUPERVISOR: That’s no excuse. You should have gone to the sales department to get the report. You knew how important it was to get the report done by this morning. I have a meeting with the client this afternoon. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. (rejecting the explanation)

EMPLOYEE: You’re upset because the client is expecting the report this afternoon. (empathic statement)

SUPERVISOR: Yeah. You’re making me look bad. (venting)

EMPLOYEE: You’re disappointed because you expected me to have the report finished this morning. (empathic statement)

SUPERVISOR: Exactly. That’s an understatement. (shoulders droop accompanied by a deep exhale; venting completed)

EMPLOYEE: I’ll go get the sales report now and get you the report before your meeting this afternoon. (presumptive statement)

SUPERVISOR: Okay. See what you can do. (anger resolution)

A CLOSER LOOK AT HOW THE “BIG THREE” WORK TO “BREAK THE ANGER CYCLE”

Empathic Statements

In breaking the anger cycle, empathic statements are invaluable. When an angry person first hears an empathic statement it can be surprising and confusing. When not expected, it can initially cause suspicion, but when sustained it is difficult not to appreciate the concern it represents. Empathy thus quickly leads to trust.

The more you can empathize, the more you can get immediate feedback on what a person is thinking about what you are saying to them. As a consequence, you can modify what you are saying and doing if you see your initial approach is not working.

The question is: How do you do this? How do you empathize effectively? How do you find out what other people are feeling? All you have to go on is observing: 1) what they say, 2) how they say it, and 3) what they do.

If you want to move an angry person toward a resolution, detecting their emotional state is the first step. When you can sense their emotion, you can then use this to move them in the direction you want them to take.

The trick to spotting a person’s feelings is to pay close attention to verbal and nonverbal changes in that individual in response to external events. If you say, “How are you?” and the corners of the person’s mouth turn down and their voice tone goes flat, then you might detect that all is not well.

The better you are at spotting changes in verbal and nonverbal cues, the greater your potential ability at empathizing. Watch for small changes on the face. Listen for tension in the voice and emphasis on specific words. Listen for emotional words.

To avoid getting swamped by another person’s emotions, learn to dip in and out of the association that makes you feel what they do. Go in, test the temperature, and then get out to a place where you can think more rationally.

Unless you are sure, it can be a good idea to reflect back on the other person what you are sensing of their feelings, to check that you have it right. After all, the only individual who can confirm empathy is the person whose emotions are being sensed. Reflecting back has an effect, typically leading the other person to appreciate that you ­really care about them and hence increasing their trust in you.

To people who are not angry, empathic statements might seem patronizing, but this is not the case for angry people, for two reasons. First, the fight or flight response is engaged, and angry people cannot logically process information; in this case, empathic statements fall within the human baseline and if properly constructed, will not be detected by the angry person. Second, people naturally think that others should listen to them and be sympathetic, particularly when they are angry.

The key to constructing effective empathic statements is to identify the underlying reason for the anger. Simply saying, “So you’re angry” is an empathic statement, but it is stating the obvious and could sound patronizing, which would add more fuel to an already angry person. I remember a time early in my FBI career when I was required to travel extensively. We had three children at the time, a baby and two toddlers. On one particular trip, I was gone for two weeks. When I opened the front door and announced that I was home, I expected a warm hug and a kiss from my wife. That didn’t happen. Instead she greeted me with “It’s about time you got home. I’m going crazy because you haven’t been here to help me with the kids.” I could have used the simple empathic statement “So, you’re angry,” but that would not have gone over well. Instead, I used a sophisticated empathic statement that addressed the root cause of her anger. I said, “You feel overwhelmed because I haven’t been home to help you with the kids.” I struck a sensitive cord. She vented. “I usually go out every Wednesday night with my friends to take a break from the kids and talk to some adults for a change.” I could have used a simple empathic statement such as “You miss going out with your friends,” but, again, this would not have played out well. Instead, I used a sophisticated empathic statement that addressed the root cause of her anger. I said, “You value the time you spend with your friends because it gives you a chance to take a break from the kids.”

Anger is just a symptom of an underlying problem. Empathic statements should target the underlying problem. Exposing the real cause of the anger will promote venting, which can be controlled by constructing effective empathic statements.

Venting

Venting is a critical component of breaking the anger cycle because it reduces frustration. Empathic statements portray the target of the anger as nonthreatening, which reduces the impact of the angry person’s fight or flight response. Once angry people vent their frustrations, they become more open to solutions because they think more clearly when they are less angry.

Venting is not a singular event, but rather a series of events. The initial venting is typically the strongest. This allows angry people to “burn off” most of their anger at the onset of the exchange. Subsequent venting becomes increasingly less intense, unless fuel is added to reignite the anger.

A natural pause occurs after each venting event. During this pause, you should construct an empathic statement. Since empathic statements encourage venting, the angry person will likely continue venting, although with less intensity. After the next natural pause, you should construct another empathic statement. You should continue constructing empathic statements until the other person’s anger is spent. Sighs, long exhales, slumping shoulders, and downward glances signal spent anger. At this juncture, you should introduce the presumptive statement.

Presumptive Statements

Presumptive statements direct angry people to take a course of action that leads toward conflict resolution. Presumptive statements are constructed in such a fashion that angry people have difficulty not following the directed course of action. Constructing presumptive statements requires practiced critical listening skills. The presumptive statement turns the force of the anger toward a resolution that is acceptable for both parties.

Let’s return to my awkward homecoming discussed previously. After a series of empathic statements, my wife’s anger burned off. She let out a great sigh and her shoulders slumped. Her anger was spent. Now was the time to present a presumptive statement to direct her to take a course of action that would bring a resolution. I constructed the following presumptive statement: “Why don’t I gather the kids up and take them to my mom’s house and we’ll go out to a nice restaurant? You deserve it.” My wife would have had a difficult time not following the course of action I presented. If she rejected my suggested course of action, she would have to admit that she didn’t deserve to go to a nice restaurant, that she didn’t feel overwhelmed, and that she didn’t need a break from the kids, which are the very things she expressed as she vented her anger. Using this technique, I effectively resolved a situation that could have easily escalated into a major domestic dispute, which would have left us both angry and frustrated.

If an angry person rejects the presumptive statement, you should begin the breaking of the anger cycle again with a new empathic statement. If my wife had rejected my suggested course of action, our conversation might have gone something like this:

ME: Why don’t I gather the kids up and take them to my mom’s house and we’ll go out to a nice restaurant? You deserve it. (presumptive statement)

MY WIFE: You’re not getting off that easy, Mister. (rejection of the presumptive statement)

ME: So you think one night out is not enough to make up for the work you did while I was gone. (empathic statement; reentering breaking the anger cycle)

Rejection of the presumptive statement typically indicates that the person has not completely vented his or her anger. Reentering breaking the anger cycle allows the person to vent any residual anger. Some people have deep-seated anger issues that may never be resolved. In these cases, the best course of action you could offer is to agree to disagree or you could both agree not to bring the sensitive topic up again. These possible resolutions set boundaries for your relationships, not abruptly end them.

The anger cycle can be used in virtually all situations when you are confronted by angry people. The following exchange between a customs officer and a foreign visitor illustrates the use of the anger cycle to resolve a dispute.

CUSTOMS OFFICER: Ma’am, you can’t bring dirt into this country.

VISITOR: It is sacred dirt from a holy place. I will not give it up!

CUSTOMS OFFICER: So, you don’t want to give up the dirt because it is special to you. (empathic statement)

VISITOR: Of course, it’s special. It’s blessed ground. It keeps evil spirits away. It protects me from illness. I will not give it up and you can’t make me! (venting)

CUSTOMS OFFICER: This dirt fends off evil spirits and keeps you healthy. (empathic statement)

VISITOR: I haven’t been sick even once since I got the dirt. I really need it. (venting)

CUSTOMERS OFFICER: Staying healthy means a lot to you. (empathic statement)

VISITOR: Yes, it does. (a sigh accompanied by a shoulder drop)

CUSTOMS OFFICER: Let’s work together to come up with a solution to this problem. (presumptive statement) Would you like that?” (The visitor cannot say “No” without appearing unreasonable.)

VISITOR: Of course.

CUSTOMS OFFICER: The regulation states that you cannot bring dirt into the country because the microbes in the dirt could infest crops. (provides an explanation) I’m sure you don’t want to be responsible for making millions of people sick, do you? (presumptive statement) (The visitor cannot say “Yes” without appearing unreasonable.)

CUSTOMS OFFICER: Give me the dirt and you will be able to begin your visit to the United States.

VISITOR: If I have to, okay. (voluntary compliance)

REENTERING THE ANGER CYCLE

In the event the visitor remained angry and did not voluntarily give up the dirt, the customs officer would reenter the anger cycle in an attempt to break it. The following exchange demonstrates reentry into the cycle.

CUSTOMS OFFICER: Give me the dirt and you will be able to begin your visit to the United States.

VISITOR: No, my dirt isn’t contaminated. I have to keep it.

CUSTOMS OFFICER: You are pretty passionate about keeping your dirt. (empathic statement)

VISITOR: I want my dirt! Can I, at least, keep a teaspoonful? (movement toward voluntary compliance)

CUSTOMS OFFICER: You are trying to figure out a way to get at least some of your dirt into the country. (empathic statement)

VISITOR: Yes, of course. Can I keep at least a teaspoon? That surely won’t hurt anything. (movement toward voluntary compliance)

CUSTOMS OFFICER: The smallest amount of dirt can do great harm to the crops. (provides an explanation) Give me the dirt and you will be able to begin your visit to the United States. (presumptive statement)

VISITOR: All right. If I have to, I’ll give it to you. I really don’t want to do this. (voluntary compliance)

In the event that reentering the anger cycle does not produce voluntary compliance, the customs officer should develop two options and then allow the angry person to choose one of the options. Giving angry people two options to choose from creates the illusion that they’re in control. The following exchange illustrates the “You choose” technique.

VISITOR: I refuse to give up my dirt.

CUSTOMS OFFICER: You seem pretty adamant about keeping your dirt. (empathic statement) The regulation states that you can’t bring dirt into the country. You’re going to have to make a decision. The first option is to give up your dirt and enter the country. The second option is to keep your dirt and not be allowed to enter the country. (presents two options) It’s your decision. What happens from this point forward is up to you. Choose the option you prefer. (creating the illusion that the visitor is in control)

VISITOR: I have no real choice because I want to enter the country. You can have the dirt. (voluntary compliance)

CUSTOMS OFFICER: You made the right decision. Welcome to America.

In each of these scenarios, the officer maintained the illusion that the visitor was in control of the situation, but in reality the officer directed the visitor one step at a time toward voluntary compliance.

Some people feel they relinquish their authority when they use compliance techniques that subtly influence rather than intimidate. Gaining voluntary compliance through breaking the anger cycle not only enhances your authority but also reduces the probability that the contact will go awry and the angry person will just get madder and less compliant. By your breaking the anger cycle, there is a good chance the angry person will go along with the decision you wanted them to make and, at the same time, feel you treated them with respect. One couldn’t hope for a better outcome to an angry confrontation.

WHEN RELATIONSHIPS “GO SOUTH” EVEN AFTER YOU’VE TRIED TO SAVE THEM

If you utilize the tools described in this book to establish and maintain healthy, happy relationships, you will almost always be successful. But what if, even after your best efforts, a short- or long-term relationship goes bad? What then? Particularly with long-term interactions, where a significant amount of time and commitment has already been invested in the relationship, one would hope relationships would not be casually discarded at the first signs of distress. And, in fact, they usually aren’t. Most individuals enter into marriages and other forms of long-term relationships with the intention of staying in them.

Yet there are times when even well-intentioned and responsible individuals find it difficult, if not impossible, to remain in a long-term relationship. Why? There are many reasons, but some of the most common include:

• A divergence of interests. Individuals who might have shared the same outlook and career paths in their twenties may have different perspectives thirty years later. A new career or life focus can weigh heavily on a long-term relationship if both parties are not seeing eye to eye on the change(s) involved.

• The “empty nest” syndrome. When children leave the nest, one or both of the parents sometimes choose the same option.

• The need for more freedom. Couples who have been together for a long time, particularly if they married young, sometimes feel “trapped” and yearn for the freedom they see their single friends enjoying. This is a classic case of “the grass is greener” syndrome. Married people yearn for the freedom that single people have and single people yearn for the commitment that married people enjoy.

• The need for change. Ever wonder why people in their late sixties and seventies opt to end long-term relationships? Sometimes it is simply the recognition that one doesn’t live forever and that if one desires the chance to experience a different lifestyle, the window of opportunity is closing fast.

• Changes in personality in one or both partners. Our personalities are not static or set in stone by the time we are adolescents. We change over time and if these changes drive people apart, they usually end up parting.

• Third-party disruptions. Behavioral scientists have long debated the issue of whether humans are “naturally” monogamous. While they continue to argue, long-term relationships continue to crumble due to infidelity and partner replacement with a new love interest.

• Boredom. Too much of the same thing can create boredom, an accelerant for relationship breakdowns, which can make once-exciting interactions seem mundane and unsatisfying.

• Emerging incompatibilities. As relationships develop, so do the persons in the relationship. This can lead to problems, should one party to the relationship develop behaviors unacceptable to the other. For example, one partner in a relationship might start drinking or gambling too much, or show less interest in sex, or become more reclusive, even start snoring (to the dismay of their light-sleeping mate).

The good news is that many, if not all, of these problems can be overcome through mutual effort or counseling if the people involved are committed to staying together and are willing to do what it takes to repair the relationship and make it whole.

Even the best of friends can have the worst of arguments!

Good relationships, short or long term, take effort to bloom. Like the gardener who wants his plants and trees to fully blossom, you must nurture relationships with care, patience, and loving under­standing if you want them to flower. Relationships can’t be left to die at the first sign of blight. You need to be convinced that you’ve done as much as you can to save a relationship before you consider ending it.

IN CASE OF DIVORCE . . . BREAK GLASS

I was once given a wonderful piece of advice that I pass on to young couples whenever I can: When relationships are still new, vibrant, and full of love, write letters to each other. Pour your hearts out and go into great detail about what you like and admire about the other person. But don’t share the letters. Instead, place them in separate sealed envelopes with your partner’s name on the front. Then place the letters in a box, which you’ll want to store in a safe place.

In the event the relationship goes sour, you can give each other the letters and read them. This emotional reminder may be enough to recharge the feelings of love and jump-start a new era of togetherness. The letters can also be used as an emotional icebreaker to motivate you to resolve any major issues where you are at an impasse and need “something” to get you and your partner back on track toward solving your problem(s).

One man I mentioned this idea to actually made a wooden container with a glass front similar to a fire alarm box found in many buildings. He then affixed a little metal hammer to the box with a metal chain. The sign on the box read, “In case of divorce, break glass.” The letters in the box served as a constant reminder to the couple of the reasons they liked and admired each other when they first fell in love. In the middle of a fight or escalating disagreement, either one of them could comment, “Is it time to break the glass?” This not-so-­subtle reminder quickly deescalated the fight or disagreement and helped the couple resolve their conflict successfully.