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— AN ESSENTIAL BONUS —

Everybody needs feedback, and it’s a heck of a lot cheaper than paying a trainer. —DOUG LOWENSTEIN

Ask for feedback from people with diverse backgrounds. Each one will tell you one useful thing. —STEVE JOBS

It was 2 o’clock in the morning. I couldn’t sleep. Still renting a room from Matt, I was sitting at my cheap imitation-pine desk, crammed into my 12’ x 12’ living space. This sucked. Something had to change. Or maybe I needed to change.

Staring at my laptop and feeling frustrated with my life, I suddenly got inspired. I don’t remember exactly what prompted it, but I opened up a new email and started adding a very diverse group of people to the To: field. Close friends, family, co-workers, former bosses, acquaintances, the girl I was dating, and even—believe it or not—my ex-girlfriends. You name it, I was ready to make some radical changes in my life. I was ready for a quantum leap in my potential, and I felt the only way for me to get an accurate assessment of who I was, how I was showing up in my life, and where I needed to improve was to solicit honest feedback from the people who knew me best.

I stopped when I got to 23 email addresses, because, well, I am a huge fan of Michael Jordan and have a mild obsession with the number 23. I began to compose an email to these people, who each knew me in different capacities and to varying degrees, explaining that I wanted to grow personally, to be a better friend, son, brother, and colleague, and that the only thing to do was to get feedback from people who could see things about me that I couldn’t see about myself. I asked if they would please take a few minutes to reply, at their earliest convenience, sharing what they believed were the three biggest areas that I needed to improve. I asked that they be brutally honest, and assured them that they would not hurt my feelings. In fact, the only thing that would hurt my feelings was for them to hold back, because doing so would only limit my growth.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that this was the most nerve-racking email I’ve ever composed. I almost chickened out. I considered deleting it, and just going to bed. Thank God I didn’t. No, I took a deep breath, and I clicked send. Then, I went to bed, fell asleep, and awaited their responses.

Six hours later, I woke up. Wait, did I really send that email at 2 o’clock in the morning, or was that just a dream? I logged into my email. Nope, not a dream. I definitely sent it. And I already had two replies. One was from Mom, and the other was from J. Brad Britton, a well-respected Region Manager at the 200 million dollar company I worked for. Oh boy, here goes… I paused for a second and reminded myself that the purpose of this exercise was for me to grow and improve, so no matter what anyone said in his or her email, I was going to keep an open mind and not get offended. Easier said than done.

I opened Mom’s email first. Hey son, I got your email. (Really Mom? I had no idea that you got it.) Well, you know I think you’re perfect! But if I must give you some constructive feedback, it’s that you should call your mother more often! I know you’re busy, but it would be nice to hear from you every once in a while. Anyway, I love you! Come visit soon… Love, Mom. I opened up a blank document on my computer and titled it “Constructive Feedback and My New Commitments.” #1. Call Mom at least once a week.

Then I opened the email from my Region Manager, J. Brad Britton. J. Brad is someone I admired and had learned a great deal from. Not to mention, he was one of the most positive people I knew. Although we only saw each other a few times throughout the year at conferences and on company trips, he knew me well, at least in a professional capacity. My Pal Hal! I love your email. However, I am only willing to give you the 3 pieces of “constructive” feedback you have requested if you let me follow it up with 3 things I like about you. Deal? Okay, here goes…

J. Brad proceeded to enlighten me to a few of my professional and social “blind spots,” all of which caught me by surprise. To be honest, my feelings did get a bit hurt. I felt a little defensive. That’s not true. I’m not really like that. He obviously doesn’t know me as well as I thought he did. Then, it occurred to me that it didn’t matter how accurate each of his criticisms were, because that was how I was showing up for him—and probably many others. It was important to me not just that I knew who I really was, but that I was living in alignment with my values, and congruent in all of my relationships.

Email responses continued to pour in over the next few days. By the end of the week, 17 of the 23 recipients had replied with their thoughtful and (mostly) constructive criticisms. I had added a lot to my “Constructive Feedback and My New Commitments” document since making a note of my mom’s request for more frequent contact. So, what were the results?

Let’s just say that I gained more self-awareness and grew more in a week from reading those responses than I had grown in the previous 5 years combined—and possibly my entire life. It was incredible. It wasn’t easy to put myself in such a vulnerable position and look at all of my flaws—but it was life-changing. It was career-advancing. It was relationship-improving. And it was all a result of mustering up enough courage to send what is probably the most important email that I have ever sent: The Email That Will Change Your Life.

Before I give you The Email That Will Change Your Life below, word-for-word—so you can copy, edit, and send it to your circle of influence—I’d like to take a moment to share some positive feedback with you from one of my coaching clients. She sent this to me after she had sent The Email That Will Change Your Life to her circle of influence:

Problem: Feedback avoidance. Most people don’t enjoy negative feedback, so they completely avoid asking for feedback. This prevents them from gaining invaluable data about their strengths and weaknesses, thus preventing them from capitalizing on the former and significantly improving the latter.

Solution: Actively seeking and learning from the honest feedback of people who know you (in various capacities) is one of the most effective and fastest ways to gain a new perspective and accelerate your personal development and success.

Instructions: Type the following text into an email (feel free to edit and personalize the email so that it sounds like you.) Send it to 5-30 people (the more the better) who know you well enough to give you an honest assessment of your strengths and weaknesses. This may include friends, family, colleagues, mentors, teachers, former employers or managers, customers, your significant other, and if you’re brave enough… wait for it—your ex-significant others. (Seriously.)

Important: Be sure to put the outgoing email addresses in the BCC field of the email, so that each recipient doesn’t see everyone else you’re sending it to. (Or, you can copy and paste, then send the email to each person individually.)

Subject Line: This means a lot… Or Would love to get your opinion…

Email Text: Dear friends, family, and colleagues:

Thank you so much for reading this email. This isn’t an easy one for me to send, but it is extremely important to me, so I sincerely appreciate you investing your valuable time reading (and hopefully responding to) it.

This email is going out to only a select group of people. Each of you knows me well, and I’m hoping will give me honest feedback about my strengths and most importantly, my weaknesses (aka “areas of improvement.”)

I’ve never done anything like this before, but I feel that for me grow and improve as a person, I need to get a more accurate picture of how I’m showing up to the people that matter most to me. In order to become the person I need to be to create the life and contribute to others at the levels that I want, I need your feedback.

So, all I’m asking is that you take just a few minutes to email me back with what you honestly think are my top 2-3 “areas of improvement.” If it will make you feel better to also list my top 2-3 “strengths” (I’m sure it will make me feel better J), you are definitely welcome to. That’s it. And please don’t sugarcoat it or hold back anything. I will not be offended by anything that you share. In fact, the more “brutally” honest you are, the more leverage it will give me to make positive changes in my life.

Thank you again, and if there is anything else I can do to add value to your life, please let me know.

With sincere gratitude,

Your Name

Final Thoughts On The Email That Will Change Your Life

That’s it! I hope you will join me, Trudy, and my hundreds of other VIP Coaching clients who have mustered up the courage to be vulnerable and send this email. Some of the life-changing rewards you can count on will be increased self-awareness, deeper understanding of one’s self, and clarity on the changes you can make to quickly take yourself and your life to the next level.

With love and gratitude, always…

“Yo Pal” Hal