فصل 19

December 23, 1991

Dear friend,

Sam and Patrick left with their family for the Grand Canyon yesterday. I don’t feel too bad about it because I can still remember Sam’s kiss. It feels peaceful and right. I even considered not washing my lips like they do on TV, but then I thought it would get too gross. So, instead I spent today walking around the neighborhood. I even got out my old sled and my old scarf. There is something cozy about that for me.

I walked over to the hill where we used to go and sled. There were a lot of little kids there. I watched them flying. Doing jumps and having races. And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn’t.

I’m really glad that Christmas and my birthday are soon because that means they will be over soon because I can already feel myself going to a bad place I used to go. After my Aunt Helen was gone, I went to that place. It got so bad that my mom had to take me to a doctor, and I was held back a grade. But now I’m trying not to think about it too much because that makes it worse.

It’s kind of like when you look at yourself in the mirror and you say your name. And it gets to a point where none of it seems real. Well, sometimes, I can do that, but I don’t need an hour in front of a mirror. It happens very fast, and things start to slip away. And I just open my eyes, and I see nothing. And then I start to breathe really hard trying to see something, but I can’t. It doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does, it scares me.

It almost happened this morning, but I thought of Sam’s kiss, and it went away.

I probably shouldn’t be writing about this too much because it brings it up too much. It makes me think too much. And I am trying to participate. It’s just hard because Sam and Patrick are in the Grand Canyon.

Tomorrow, I’m going with my mom to buy presents for everyone. And then we are celebrating my birthday. I was born on December 24. I don’t know if I ever told you that. It’s a strange birthday to have because it is so close to Christmas. After that, we are celebrating Christmas with my dad’s family, and my brother will be home for a little while. Then, I’m going out to take my driver’s test, so I will be busy while Sam and Patrick are gone.

Tonight, I watched some television with my sister, but she didn’t want to watch the Christmas specials that were on, so I decided to go upstairs and read.

Bill gave me one book to read over the break. It’s The Catcher in the Rye. It was Bill’s favorite book when he was my age. He said it was the kind of book you made your own.

I read the first twenty pages. I don’t know how I feel about it just yet, but it does seem appropriate to this time. I hope Sam and Patrick call on my birthday. It would make me feel much better.

Love always, Charlie