فصل 30

February 15, 1992

Dear friend,

I don’t feel very well because everything is messy. I did go to the dance, and I did tell Mary Elizabeth how nice her outfit was. I did ask her questions, and I let her talk the whole time. I learned a lot about “objectification,” Native Americans, and the bourgeoisie.

But most of all, I learned about Mary Elizabeth.

Mary Elizabeth wants to go to Berkeley and get two degrees. One is for political science. The other is for sociology with a minor concentration in women’s studies. Mary Elizabeth hates high school and wants to explore lesbian relationships. I asked her if she thought girls were pretty, and she looked at me like I was stupid and said, “That’s not the point.”

Mary Elizabeth’s favorite movie is Reds. Her favorite book is an autobiography of a woman who was a character in Reds. I can’t remember her name. Mary Elizabeth’s favorite color is green. Her favorite season is spring. Her favorite ice cream flavor (she said she refuses to eat low-fat frozen yogurt on principle alone) is Cherry Garcia. Her favorite food is pizza (half mushrooms, half green peppers). Mary Elizabeth is a vegetarian, and she hates her parents. She is also fluent in Spanish.

The only thing she asked me the whole time was whether or not I wanted to kiss her good night. When I said that I wasn’t ready, she said she understood and told me what a great time she had. She said I was the most sensitive boy she’d ever met, which I didn’t understand because really all I did was not interrupt her.

Then, she asked me if I wanted to go out again sometime, which Sam and I hadn’t discussed, so I wasn’t prepared to answer it. I said yes because I didn’t want to do anything wrong, but I don’t think I can think of a whole other night’s worth of questions. I don’t know what to do. How many dates can you go on and still not be ready to kiss? I don’t think I will ever be ready for Mary Elizabeth. I’ll have to ask Sam about this.

Incidentally, Sam took Patrick to the dance after Craig said he was too busy. I guess they had a big fight about it. Finally, Craig said that he didn’t want to go to some stupid high school dance since he had already graduated. At one point in the dance, Patrick went to the parking lot to get stoned with his guidance counselor, and Mary Elizabeth was requesting that the deejay play some girl bands, which left Sam and me alone.

“Are you having a good time?”

Sam didn’t answer right away. She just kind of looked sad.

“Not really. Are you?”

“I don’t know. This is my first date, so I don’t know what to compare it to.”

“Don’t worry. You’ll do fine.”

“Really?”

“You want some punch?”

“Sure.”

With that, Sam left. She really did look sad, and I wished I could have made her feel better, but sometimes, I guess you just can’t. So, I stood alone by the wall and watched the dance for a while. I would describe it to you, but I think it’s the kind of thing where you have to be there or at least know the people. But then again, maybe you knew the same people when you went to your high school dances, if you know what I mean.

The one different thing about this particular dance was my sister. She was with her boyfriend. And during a slow song, it looked like they had a huge fight because he stopped looking at her, and she rushed off the dance floor to where the bathrooms are. I tried to follow her, but she had too much of a head start. She never came back to the dance, and her boyfriend eventually left.

After Mary Elizabeth dropped me off, I went into the house and found my sister crying in the basement. This was a different kind of crying. It kind of frightened me. I talked very quiet and slow.

“Are you okay?”

“Leave me alone, Charlie.”

“No, really. What’s wrong?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“I could try.”

“That’s a laugh. That’s really a laugh.”

“Do you want me to wake up Mom and Dad then?”

“No.”

“Well, maybe they could—”

“CHARLIE! SHUT UP! OKAY?! JUST SHUT UP!”

That’s when she really started crying. I didn’t want to make her feel worse, so I turned to leave her alone. That’s when my sister started hugging me. She didn’t say anything. She just hugged me tight and wouldn’t let go. So, I hugged her back. It was weird, too, because I’ve never hugged my sister. Not when she wasn’t forced to anyway. After a while, she calmed down a bit and let go. She took a deep breath and brushed off the hair that was sticking to her face.

That’s when she told me she was pregnant.

I would tell you about the rest of the night, but I honestly don’t remember much about it. It’s all a very sad daze. I do know that her boyfriend said it wasn’t his baby, but my sister knew that it was. And I do know that he broke up with her right there at the dance. My sister hasn’t told anybody else about it because she doesn’t want it to get around. The only people who know are me, her, and him. I’m not allowed to tell anyone we know. Not anyone. Not ever.

I told my sister that after a while, she probably couldn’t hide it, but she said she wouldn’t let it go that far. Since she was eighteen, she didn’t need Mom or Dad’s permission. All she needed was someone to be with her next Saturday at the clinic. And that person was me.

“It’s lucky I got my license now.”

I said that to make her laugh. But she didn’t.

Love always, Charlie