فصل 35

April 26, 1992

Dear friend,

Nobody has called me since that night. I don’t blame them. I have spent the whole vacation reading Hamlet. Bill was right. It was much easier to think of the kid in the play like the other characters I’ve read about so far. It has also helped me while I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. It didn’t give me any answers necessarily, but it was helpful to know that someone else has been through it. Especially someone who lived such a long time ago.

I did call Mary Elizabeth, and I told her that I’d been listening to the record every night and reading the e. e. cummings book.

She just said, “It’s too late, Charlie.”

I would have explained that I didn’t want to start going on dates again and I was just doing these things as a friend, but I knew it would have only made things worse, so I didn’t.

I just said, “I’m sorry.”

And I really was sorry. And I know that she believed me. But when that didn’t make any difference, and there was nothing but a bad silence on the phone, I really knew it was too late.

Patrick did call me, but all he said was that Craig got really angry at Sam about me, and I should keep staying away until things got clear. I asked him if he would like to go out, just him and me. He said that he would be busy with Brad and family things, but he’d try to call me if he could find the time. So far, he hasn’t.

I would tell you about Easter Sunday with my family, but I’ve already told you about Thanksgiving and Christmas, and there really isn’t much of a difference.

Except that my father got a raise, and my mother didn’t because she doesn’t get paid for housework, and my sister stopped reading those self-esteem books because she met a new boy.

My brother did come home, but when I asked him if his girlfriend read my report on Walden, he said no because she broke up with him when she found out he was cheating on her. That happened a while ago. So, I asked him if he had read it himself, and he said that he hadn’t because he was too busy. He said he would try to read it over vacation. So far, he hasn’t.

So, I went to visit my aunt Helen, and for the first time in my life, it didn’t help. I even tried to follow my own plan and remember all the details about the last time I had a great week, but that didn’t help, either.

I know that I brought this all on myself. I know that I deserve this. I’d do anything not to be this way. I’d do anything to make it up to everyone. And to not have to see a psychiatrist, who explains to me about being “passive aggressive.” And to not have to take the medicine he gives me, which is too expensive for my dad. And to not have to talk about bad memories with him. Or be nostalgic about bad things.

I just wish that God or my parents or Sam or my sister or someone would just tell me what’s wrong with me. Just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense. To make this all go away. And disappear. I know that’s wrong because it’s my responsibility, and I know that things get worse before they get better because that’s what my psychiatrist says, but this is a worse that feels too big.

After a week of not talking to anyone, I finally called Bob. I know that’s wrong, but I didn’t know what else to do. I asked him if he had anything I could buy. He said he had a quarter ounce of pot left. So, I took some of my Easter money and bought it.

I’ve been smoking it all the time since.

Love always, Charlie