فصل 13

CHAPTER 13

“WAIT, WHICH WAY DO THESE guys move again?” Hale asked before reaching over and picking up two petits fours and setting them on his plate.

“Bishops move diagonally. I wouldn’t do that if I was you, but it’s your funeral.” He laughed. “Okay. What about the little castle ones?” “Straight lines, either side to side or back and forth.” He moved his rook, taking another one of my pawns. “Honestly, I never would have pegged you for a chess girl.” “I’m not really. Ahren used to be obsessed, and he forced me to play with him every single day for months. But then he got serious about Camille, and all his chess time turned into letter-writing time.” I moved my bishop and took his knight.

“Ugh, I didn’t even see that,” he lamented between bites. “I’ve been wanting to ask you about Ahren, but I wasn’t sure if you were up for it.” I shrugged, prepared to dismiss the invitation, but instead I reminded myself that if I was going to have a shot at happiness at all, I had to let someone past my walls. Sighing, I told the truth.

“I miss him. It’s like I grew up with a built-in best friend, and now he’s gone. I have other people I’m close to, like my lady-in-waiting, Neena. I don’t think I realized how much I was relying on her until Ahren was gone and I could see it. But it makes me afraid. What if I get to the point I did with Ahren, where she’s the person I go to with everything, and then something happens and she leaves?” Hale nodded as he listened, and I could see he was trying to suppress a smile.

“This isn’t funny!” I complained, chucking one of his lost pawns at him.

He laughed out loud, dodging the throw. “No, I’m not smiling because of that. It’s just . . . the last time we talked like this you ran. You’re not wearing sneakers under that gown, are you?” “Not at all. They wouldn’t go together,” I teased. “No, really, I should have trusted you then, and I do trust you now. Sorry if I’m slow. Opening up to people is not a skill of mine.” “No rush. I’m a pretty patient person.”

I couldn’t take the eye contact anymore, so I focused on the board, watching his hands hover above the grid.

“As for how you feel about Neena,” Hale went on, “even if she did have to leave, that wouldn’t make her less of a friend any more than it makes Ahren less of your brother. You might have to work harder to keep in touch, but if you love them as much as you say, it’ll be worth it.” “I know that’s true,” I admitted. “It’s already pretty difficult for me to make friends, seeing as I don’t get out much. So I kind of need to keep the ones I have.” Hale chuckled, and I missed what he did on the board. “Well, I just want to go on record and say that even if you don’t choose me, you have my friendship for life, and I’ll be on a plane to Angeles in a heartbeat if you ever need me.” I smiled. “Something every day.”

He nodded. “Every day.”

“I really needed to hear that. Thank you.” I sat up taller and began to plan my next move. “What about you? Who’s your best friend?” “Actually, I was interrogated over this a few weeks ago, just after Burke left. My best friend is a girl, and they thought I was writing to ‘my girlfriend back home.’ Let me tell you, it was humiliating to ask her to get on the phone with a guard and explain that we’d never, ever been romantically involved.” I bit my lip, glad he could see the humor in it. “I’m really sorry.” “It’s fine. Carrie got a kick out of it, actually.”

“Well, I’m happy she took it in stride.” I cleared my throat. “But now I have to ask, have you really never had a crush on her?” “No!” He almost shuddered. “Carrie’s like a sister to me. The thought of kissing her just feels wrong.” I put my hands up in front of me, startled by how offended he was. “Okay. I don’t have to worry about Carrie. Got it.” “Sorry.” The disgust in his face shifted to a shy smile. “It’s just that I’ve been asked that a million times. Other friends, our parents . . . it’s like everyone has always wanted us to be together, and I don’t feel anything like that for her.” “I get that. Sometimes it seems like everyone wants me to pick Kile just because we grew up together. Like that alone is enough to guarantee you’ll fall in love.” “Well, the difference there is that you actually have feelings for Kile. Anyone watching could tell.” He fiddled with a discarded pawn.

I looked at my lap. “I shouldn’t have brought that up. I’m sorry.” “No, it’s okay. I think the only way to stay sane through all this is to remember that you’re the one leading this, and you’re the one who decides where we stand. The only thing any of us can do is be ourselves.” “Where do you think you stand exactly?”

He gave me a small smile. “I don’t know. Somewhere in the middle?” I shook my head. “You’re doing better than that.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

His smile faded a little. “That’s kind of amazing, but also scary. There’s a lot of responsibility that comes with winning this.” I nodded. “Tons.”

“I guess I never really stopped to think about that. But with you really being in charge these days, it’s a little . . . overwhelming.” I stared at him, feeling certain I had to be misunderstanding something. “You’re not trying to back out, are you?” “No,” he said, continuing to roll the pawn in his hand. “I’m just coming face-to-face with how big this is. I’m sure your mom had moments like this, too.” He was uncharacteristically sharp, and this seemed to run deeper than his frustration about Carrie. As I continued, trying to keep my tone even, he avoided my eyes.

“Did I miss something? You’ve always been so enthusiastic, to the point that I’ve wondered about your sanity. What’s with the sudden cold feet?” “I didn’t say I was having cold feet,” he countered. “I was simply voicing a concern. You’re constantly voicing your concerns. How is this any different?” There was plenty of truth to that, but I had clearly hit a nerve. And after how hard I’d worked to be open with Hale, I didn’t understand why he would clam up on me. While I didn’t think he was the type to test me simply for the sake of it, I wondered if maybe he was trying to gauge my patience.

I clenched and unclenched my hands underneath the table, reminding myself that I trusted Hale.

“Perhaps it’s better if we change the subject,” I suggested.

“Agreed.”

But the only thing that followed was silence.