فصل 12

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When the Disciple Is Ready, the Master Appears

Other than for schoolwork, reading books had never played a major role in my life. But just as Three Pillars of Zen had shown up exactly when I was ready for it, so another book had found its way to me just before I moved into my house. It was given to me by Bob Merrill, a friend of mine who, like me, was very much into yoga and meditation.

One day while I was still living in my van, Bob gave me the book called Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda, a holy man from India. I remember trying to start this book the evening Bob had given it to me, but after a few pages I had to put it down. Not because I didn’t like it, but because each word I read kept drawing me into such a deep meditative state that I couldn’t continue reading. I tried again the next night. The same thing happened. I didn’t understand what was going on, but I was certainly intrigued by the experience. I decided to pack the book away until I moved into my new house. Now that I had moved into the house and started my intense meditative lifestyle, it was time to read this mysterious book.

Chapter after chapter transported me into a world that should have been very foreign to me. But because of the transformative events that had been happening to me, I could at least relate to the Indian saint’s life story. It became very clear to me—I had merely stuck my toe into the ocean Yogananda was swimming in. He was a master of the entire field of knowledge and experience I was seeking. I could feel it to the core of my being. Yogananda had gone far beyond my beyond and had never fully come back. He had learned to exist in that state, yet still be present interacting with the world. I had found my teacher.

Even though I felt an immediate sense of relief that I was no longer alone on my inner journey, some areas of tension had to be worked out. To begin with, the word God was not part of my everyday vocabulary. Yogananda not only used the word as freely as his breath flowed, but he used it with a sense of intense devotion that took your breath away. Yogananda’s passion showed most in the songs that he wrote: My heart’s aflame and my soul’s afire—Just for You, You, You, Just You.

Interestingly, I could relate to that. Since I had touched that beauteous place deep inside of me, my heart was aflame too. In fact, I had lost interest in everything else. I only wanted to meditate my way back beyond myself. I could relate to God as associated with that place hidden deep inside of me. My study of Zen taught me that Buddha passed through absolute stillness and peace on his way into nirvana. I had heard that Christ said that the Kingdom is within you, and I was aware that the Bible talked about a peace beyond all understanding. I knew about such a place inside of me where the peace was so deep that it had completely transformed my entire life.

Another word that I couldn’t relate to at first was Spirit. I thought this was a Christian word, yet Yogananda used it all the time. He spoke of invoking the Spirit and feeling it pulsate through him. He related times when he held up his hands and felt the Spirit move into and out of them. Could he be referring to that powerful flow of energy I had been experiencing since my very deep meditation? I often felt that field of energy flow from the point between my eyebrows, down my arms, and out the center of my palms. Could Spirit be another word for this inner energy flow, and could that focal point between my eyebrows be the location of what Yogananda kept calling the Third Eye or Spiritual Eye? More and more I began to realize that I could personally relate to Yogananda’s teachings.

Autobiography of a Yogi changed my view about everything that had been happening to me. Once I finished reading that book, God was no longer just a word to me. It represented where I wanted to go. I had begun this journey by wanting to know who I was who was watching the mental voice. I now realized that the great saints and masters of all the religious traditions had gone beyond their personal self to find their spiritual self. Yogananda called it self-realization. What a perfect term for all I was about at that point of my life. I wanted to realize the nature of the one who watches—my true, innermost self.

Bob Merrill had told me that he received lessons from Self-Realization Fellowship, the organization Yogananda had founded in America. Yogananda had left the body in 1952, but he had been kind enough to leave his teachings behind in the form of weekly lessons. I had heard of a mail-order bride but never a mail-order guru. I signed up for the lessons immediately and integrated them into my regular practices. I remember that around that time I decided to read the Bible. I had never read the New Testament before. I found it very inspiring, and so much of the teachings were completely aligned with what I had been experiencing in meditation. For example, there was the notion that you have to die to be reborn. That is exactly what I had been trying to do, die of the personal to be reborn in the spiritual. I put pictures of Christ and Yogananda on the altar where I meditated. Some very great beings had walked this path before me. I wanted to learn from them. I was just starting to realize that I couldn’t walk the path alone—I needed some help.