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CHAPTER 5: I NOW

PRonouncE YOU

THE little demon known as N°l cutastrange figure waddling down the LEP shuttle’s gang—plank. A small, stocky individual with grey armoured plates and short limbs, he looked a little like a miniature upright rhinoceros with fingers and toes, except for the head. The head was pure gargoyle. / wish I had a tail, thought N°l.

In actual fact, he did have a tail, but it was stubby and not good for much except making snow fans in Haven City’s artificial weather park.

N°l consoled himself with the observation that at least his tail didn’t dangle down the toilet. Some of the Hybras demons had trouble adjusting to the newfangled seats on the recycling lounges in Haven. He had heard horror stories. Apparently there had been three emergency reattachments this month alone.

The transition from Limbo to normal time had been difficult for all demons, but there were many more positives than negatives. Restrictions imposed under the old tribal leader were now being lifted. Demons could eat cooked food if they felt like it. Family units were taking hold again. Even the most belligerent demons were a lot more relaxed with their mothers around. It was difficult to shake off ten millennia of human-hating, and many of the buck demons were undergoing therapy or were on mood pills to stop them hopping a shuttle to the surface Hid chomping on the first human limb they saw.

Not N°l, though, who had no limb-chomping ambitions whatsoever. He was something of an anomaly among demons. N°l loved everyone, even humans, especially Artemis Fowl, who had saved them all from the deathly dreariness of Limbo, not to mention Leon Abbot, the psychopathic ex-tribe leader.

So when the call came through to Section Eight that Artemis needed him, N°l had strapped himself into the division’s shuttle and demanded to be taken above ground. Wing Commander Vinyaya had agreed, because disagreeing could lead to all sorts of magical tantrums from the fledgling warlock. Once, in a fit of frustration, N°l had accidentally shattered the magnifying wall of the city’s huge aquarium. Fairies were still finding minnows in their toilet ponds.

You can go, Vinyaya had told him, but only if you take a squad of guards to hold your hand every step of the way.

Which did not literally mean hold his hand, as N°l had found out when he tried to link with the captain of the guard.

‘But Commander Vinyaya said,’ he’d objected.

‘Stow the hand, demon,’ ordered the captain. ‘There’ll be no hand-holding on my watch.’ And so N°l appeared to approach Fowl Manor alone, though he was flanked by a dozen shielded fairies. Halfway up the avenue he remembered to shroud his real appearance with a shape-shifting spell. Any human who happened to be looking down the driveway would now see a small boy in flowing flowered robes strolling towards the front door. This was an image N°l had seen in a human movie from the last century, and he thought it was appropriately non-threatening.

Miss Book happened to appear at the doorway just as N°l reached it. The sight of him stopped the nurse/publicist in her tracks. She tugged off her glasses as though they were feeding false information to her eyes.

‘Hello there, little boy,’ she said, smiling, though she probably would not have been so jolly had she been aware of the twelve plasma rifles pointed at her head.

‘Hi,’ said N°l cheerily. ‘I love everyone, so no need to feel threatened.’ Miss Book’s smiled faltered. ‘Threatened? Of course not. Are you looking for someone? Are you playing dress-up?’ Artemis appeared at the doorway, interrupting the conversation.

’ Ah . . . Ferdinand, where have you been?’ he said, quickly shepherding N°l past the nurse. ‘This is the gardener’s boy, Ferdinand,’ he explained. ‘A dramatic type. I’ll summon his father to collect him.’ ‘Good idea,’ said Miss Book doubtfully. ‘I know your mother’s room is sealed, but don’t let him upstairs all the same.

‘Of course not,’ said Artemis. ‘I’ll send him out the back \ .iv.1 ‘Good,’ said the nurse. ‘I just need a breath of fresh air, then I will come to check on your mother.’ 1 fake your time,’ said Artemis. ‘I can read the instruments.’ / designed a few of them, he thought.

As soon as Miss Book disappeared round the corner, Arte mis escorted his demon friend up the stairs.

‘We’re going upstairs,’ objected N°l mildly. ‘Didn’t that \ung lady tell you not to allow me upstairs?’ Artemis sighed. ‘How long have you known me, Number I >nc?’ N°l nodded craftily. ‘Ah, I see. Artemis Fowl never does what he is told to do.’ Hi Holly greeted N°l on the landing, but refused to hug him until he dropped the shape-shifting spell.

‘I hate the feel of those things,’ she said. ‘It’s like hugging a wet sponge.’ N°l pouted. ‘But I enjoy being Ferdinand. Humans smile .it me.’ Artemis assured him that there was no surveillance in his study and so the demon warlock waited until the door was closed behind them, then banished the spell with a I lick of his fingers. Ferdinand unravelled and fell from N°l s /WSA /WSA

body in a flurry of sparks, leaving the small grey demon warlock wearing nothing but a wide grin. Holly hugged him tightly.

T knew you would come. We need you desperately/ N°l stopped smiling. ‘ Ah, yes. Artemis’s mother. Does she want a magical cure?’ That’s the last thing she wants,’ said Holly.

Once the situation was explained to N°l, he immediately agreed to help.

‘You are in luck, Artemis,’ said the little demon, wiggling his eight fingers. T did a module on time travel last week on the warlock diploma course I’m taking.’ ‘Small class, I bet,’ commented Artemis drily.

‘Just me,’ admitted N°l. ‘And Qwan, of course, my teacher. Apparently, I am the most powerful warlock Qwan has ever seen.’ ‘Good,’ said Artemis. ‘Then transporting us all into the past shouldn’t pose any problems for you.’ Foaly had projected himself on to five of Artemis’s various monitors. ‘All?’ spluttered each image. ‘All! You can’t take Number One with you.’ Artemis was not in the mood for argument. T need him, Foaly. End of discussion.’ Foaly looked as though his head would bulge through the screens. ‘It is most certainly not end of discussion. Holly is an adult—she can make her own decision—but Number One is little more than a child. You cannot jeopardize him on one of your missions. A lot of hopes rest on that little demon. The future of the fairy families.’ ‘None of us will have a future if Number One doesn’t Like us to the past.’ ‘Please stop,’ said N°l. ‘All this arguing is making me dizzy. There is no time for it.’ Artemis’s face was red, but he held his tongue, unlike I (>aly who kept shouting, but at least he muted the screens.

‘Foaly needs to vent,’ explained Holly, ‘or he gets headaches.’ The three waited until the centaur calmed himself, then N°l spoke: ‘In any event, I cannot go with you, Artemis. That’s not how it works.’ ‘But you transported us from Limbo.’

‘Qwan did that. He is a master; I am but an apprentice. And, anyway, we had no desire to go back to Limbo. If you wish to return here, I need to stay as a marker.’ ‘Explain,’ said Artemis tersely.

N°l spread his arms wide. ‘I am a beacon,’ he declared. 4 A shining supernova of power. Any magic I release into the ether will be attracted back to me. I send you into the past, and you will snap back to me like puppies on a leash.’ N°l frowned, not happy with his simile. ‘One of those retractable leashes.’ ‘Yes, we get it,’ said Artemis. ‘How long will it take to weave the spell?’ N°l chewed his lip for a moment. ‘About as long as it lakes you two to remove your clothing.’ ‘Hurkk,’ said Artemis, half-choking with surprise. ‘D’Arvit,’ swore Holly.

T think we all know what D’Arvit means,’ said N°l. ‘But hurkk is not English. Unless you meant hark, which means to listen or to remember something from the past. Which I suppose could be relevant. Or perhaps you were speaking Dutch, and then hurk would translate as squat.’ N°l paused for a wink. ‘Which means squat to me.’ Artemis leaned close to the demon’s cornet-shaped ear. ‘Why do we need to take our clothes off?’ ‘That is a very good question,’ said Holly into the other ear.

‘It’s quite simple,’ said N°l. T am not so skilled as Qwan. And even with Qwan overseeing the last transfer, you two managed to switch an eye each, which was probably because someone was focusing on stealing magic. If you take clothes or guns in there, they could become a part of you.’ The demon raised a stiff finger. ‘Lesson number one of time transfers,’ he stated. ‘Keep it simple. It’s going to take all of your concentration just to reassemble your bodies. And you will be thinking for the lemur too.’ N°l noticed both Artemis and Holly’s awkward expressions and took pity on them.

T suppose you could keep one thing, if you must. A small garment, but make sure it’s your colour, because you could be wearing it for a really long time.’ Though they both knew that this was no time for modesty, neither Artemis nor Holly could suppress a blush.

/WW /WW /WW /WW /WW /WW I lolly covered her embarrassment by tearing off her shimmer suit as quickly as possible.

‘I’m keeping the one-piece,’ she said belligerently, daring N°l to argue. The one-piece looked similar to a swimsuit, but was padded on the shoulders and back to support a wing rig. There were also heat and kinetic panels, which could absorb energy from the wearer to power the suit.

‘Let’s face facts: all-powerful I may be, but I’m a novice .it this, so taking off from where you landed is vital. If you go beyond three days, then you are stuck in the past.’ ‘If we do get separated, couldn’t Holly come back and get me?’ wondered Artemis.

‘No, she could not,’ said N°l. ‘It would be impossible for you to meet at a point neither of you had experienced. This is a one-time deal only. It will take everything I have to hold you together for this trip. Any more and your atoms would lose their memory and simply forget where it is they are supposed to go. Both of you have already been in the time stream twice. I can transport objects forever and a day, but living beings break down without a warlock in the stream to shield them.’ Holly asked a very pertinent question. ‘Number One, have you done this before?’ ‘Of course,’ said the demon. ‘Several times. On a simulator. And two of the holograms survived.’ Artemis’s determination barely flickered. ‘Two survived. The last two?’ ‘No,’ admitted N°l. The last two were trapped in a time wormhole and consumed by quantum zombies.’ Holly felt her pointy ears tingle, always a bad sign. Elfin ears could sense danger.

‘Quantum zombies? You’re not serious.’

‘That’s what I said to Qwan. He wrote the program.’

‘This is irrelevant,’ said Artemis sharply. ‘We have no option but to go.’ ‘Very well,’ said N°l, flexing his fingers. He bent his knees, resting his entire body weight on the tip of his tail.

‘Power posture,’ he explained. ‘I do some of my best work in this position.’ ‘So does Mulch Diggums,’ muttered Foaly. ‘Quantum zombies. I need to get a copy of that program.’ A red haze blossomed around the demon warlock, tiny lightning bolts crackling across his horns.

‘He’s powering up,’ said Foaly from the screens. ‘You’ll be off any second. Remember, try not to touch anything you don’t have to. Don’t talk to anyone. Don’t contact me in the past. I have no desire not to exist.’ Artemis nodded. ‘I know. Make as little impact as possible, in case the time paradox theory has some merit.’ Holly was impatient to get going. ‘Enough science. Just blast us into the past. We’ll bring the monkey back.’ ‘Lemur,’ said Artemis and Foaly together.

N°l closed his eyes. When he opened them again, they were pure crimson.

‘OK, ready to go,’ he said conversationally.

N°l knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t resist a parting crack.

‘I now pronounce you . . .’

Neither hand-holder was amused, but before they had lime to do more than scowl, twin bolts of red energy Crackled from N°l’s eyes, blasting his friends into the time stream.

‘Man and elf,’ he said, finishing his joke, then chuckling delightedly.

On screen, Foaly snorted. ‘I’m guessing you’re laughing to cover your anxiety?’ ‘Exactly right,’ said N°l.

Where Artemis and Holly had been standing there were Nickering copies of them both, mouths open to object to N°l’s comment.

‘That really freaks me out, the ghost images. It’s like they’re dead.’ /vw\ /vw\ Foaly shuddered. ‘Don’t say that. If they’re dead, we all could be. How soon will they be back?’ Tn about ten seconds.’ ‘And if they’re not back in ten seconds?’

‘Then never.’ Foaly started counting.