مقدمه

Preface

THIS BOOK IS ABOUT how important good relationships are to a successful life. In it I state that, if we are not sick, poverty stricken, or suffering the ravages of old age, the major human problems we struggle with—violence, crime, child abuse, spousal abuse, alcohol and drug addiction, the proliferation of premature and unloving sex and emotional distress—are caused by unsatisfying relationships. This whole book is both an explanation of why this happens and what to do to get along better with one another.

I focus on four major relationships, all of which are in obvious need of improvement. These are husband-wife, parent-child, teacher-student, and manager-worker. I make the claim that if we do not improve these relationships, we will have little success in reducing any of the problems in the previous paragraph.

For me to make such a broad claim may be considered presumptuous but, just before this book went to press, I was pleased to find recent research that strongly supports my thesis that adolescents, especially, need good parent-child and teacher-student relationships if they are to avoid self-destructive behaviors.

The September 10, 1997, issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA)includes an article entitled “Protecting Adolescents from Harm,” which describes the first findings from the National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health. The most significant finding was: “Parent-family connectedness and perceived school connectedness were protective of every health risk behavior measure except history of pregnancy.” The research does not as yet go into how to improve these two important relationships, but it does show clearly that this is the direction in which to go—and that is the subject of this book. I would suggest that the researchers also focus on how husbands and wives can achieve more marital satisfaction, which I think is a vital factor in achieving child-parent connectedness. Years ago, a priest I knew in Chicago, by the name of Father John, said something I have never forgotten: “The best thing parents can do for their children is love each other.” As you read this book you will note that I do not use the word “connectedness.” Although I use “satisfying relationships,” I can see no difference in the terms. I encourage you to read the JAMAarticle if you want to see for yourself how strongly it supports what I say in this book.

Acknowledgments

WHEN I GOT STARTED on the wrong track, Bob Sullo did a lot of thinking and helped me straighten out. I probably would have gotten there eventually, but I appreciate very much what he did. His book, Inspiring Quality in Your School (NEA Professional Library, 1997), discusses how a lot of choice theory is put to practical use in a school.

Bob Wubbolding, a colleague of twenty-five years, made some good suggestions throughout. His expertise is reality therapy, and he is in the process of writing a new book, Reality Therapy for the 21st Century. Among the things he’ll do in this book is answer all the people who question whether there is a research base for this therapy. There is.

Kay Mentley, mentioned in depth in chapter 10, is the principal of the first quality elementary school, Huntington Woods, that is choice theory from floor to ceiling. Put together every fantasy about what a school should be; Kay and her staff have brought them to life. Her book, Quality Is the Key: Stories from Huntington Woods, is available from the William Glasser Institute. Linda Harshman, the director of the William Glasser Institute, made it possible for me to have the time to write this book. She is a lead manager; talk to any of our staff and you will quickly see why. To me, she is indispensable.

If you found that the book reads easily and clearly, I thank Cynthia Merman, my editor. When I sent her the manuscript, I said, “Work your magic.” She did.

Brian Lennon, from Skerries near Dublin, Ireland, gave me the support I needed when my editor faxed me while I was in Slovenia to tell me that the book was great, but that it needed a new subtitle. He helped to steer me in the right direction, but my many Slovenian and Croatian colleagues also did their part. When we asked, “What does choice theory mean to you?” they said, “Freedom.” Recently at a conference in Acapulco, I had the pleasure of meeting a caring brain researcher, S. Paul Rossby, who presented a paper on the neurophysiology of violence. When my wife and I talked to him afterward, tears came to his eyes when we told him we believe that violence is not irreversibly imprinted into the brains of many young people who seem so callous and hard to reach. With caring and choice theory, their violence can be reversed. We look forward to sharing ideas with him again.

If you want to reach any of these people for any reason, and they are well worth reaching, contact the William Glasser Institute for their addresses. They helped me, and I’m sure they would not hesitate to help you.

I have to stop here. If I went on, I might not be able to stop short of the hundreds of people teaching choice theory who are joining me in the task of driving the plague of external control psychology from the Earth.