فصل اول

chapter one.

the first bit

1.

The first time I met His Holiness The Dalai Lama, I was invited to ask him one question. He tends to go on and on, his people told me. So one question only.

Of course I fretted. One question.

I was interviewing His Holiness for a magazine column I wrote in which I explored ways to have a better life. The column was one of my smarter orchestrations. Anxiety-related illness had planted me in a spot such that I was too sick to hold down a normal job, too broke to get the healing treatments I needed. So I confected a gig where I tested different ways to heal myself. Two birds, one stone.

I deliberated for days. How would I reduce things to The question that would provide a salve to all us Westerners seeking a more meaningful path through the fuggy, constipated, heart-sinky angst of life? The choice left my head spinning and chattering. What is it exactly that we need to know? Are we here to evolve into higher beings? Why are we so alone? Is there a grand scheme to our allotted eighty-five years?

When we meet a few weeks later, His Holiness kisses my hand and tosses his thongs aside. We sink into adjacent hotel room lounge chairs. I still don’t have my one question. So I ask the most authentically pressing thing in that exact moment: ‘How do I get my mind to shut up?’

You know, to stop the fretty chatter that makes us so nervous and unsettled and unable to grasp the ‘present moment’ at the end of yoga classes when the instructor talks about it as though it’s something you can buy off the shelf.

His Holiness giggles and blows his nose on a paper serviette, shoving it down the front of his robe like my Year 4 teacher used to. ‘There’s no use,’ he tells me. ‘Silly! Impossible to achieve! If you can do it, great. If not, big waste of time.’ ‘But surely you can do it,’ I say.

I mean, is the Pope a Catholic; can the Dalai Lama still his mind?

‘Noooo. If I sit in a cave for a year on mountain, then maybe I do it. But no guarantee.’ He waves his hand. ‘Anyway, I don’t have time.’ He has better things to do, he tells me. Like teaching altruism to massive crowds around the world.

His Holiness then tells me about his recent trip to Japan, how he hits his running machine at 3am every day and all about his anger issues (yes, the Dalai Lama gets cranky!). But he says nothing further about the torturous human experience of having a fretful, frenzied mind that trips along ahead of us, just beyond our grip, driving us mad and leaving us thinking we’ve got it all terribly wrong. It was as if the subject bored him.

I leave feeling deflated and anxious. I didn’t exactly have a pearly insight for my column. But a few days later I was defending his seemingly flaccid response to my close mate Ragni and I realised what His Holiness had done.

He’d given me a response that came with a screaming, cap-lettered subtext: YOU’RE OKAY AS YOU ARE!!! He’d given me – and everyone else out there whose whirring thoughts keep them awake until 4am, trash-talking their poor souls into agitated despair – a big, fat, red-robed hug. It was perfect.

Now, a strange thing happens when you realise that some gargantuan, all-looming issue you’d been fretting over no longer needs to be fixed. You take a deep, free breath, expand a little, release your grip and get on with better things.

I suspect you might be reading these words here because you’re a fretter with a mind that goes too fast, too high, too unbridled. And, like me, you might have tried everything to fix this fretting, because fretters try really, really hard at everything. They also tend to think they need fixing.

And like me you might have wondered if there’s another way.

I’d like to say this up front. I write these very words because I’ve come to believe that you can be fretty and chattery in the head and awake at 4am and trying really hard at everything. And you can get on with having a great life.

Hey, the Dalai Lama told me so.

Actually, I’ll go a bit further. I’ve come to believe that the fretting itself can be the very thing that plonks you on the path to a great life.

2.

When God was handing out The Guidebook to Life I was on the toilet. Or hanging out nappies for Mum. I was, I believe, the only person on the planet who missed out The first time this realisation came crashing down on me I was fifteen, crouching in an Asian-style squat behind a curtain in a Canberra shopping mall waiting to see if I’d won the inaugu­ral Face of Miss Gee Bees modelling competition.

Miss Gee Bees was the teen section of the now defunct Grace Bros. department store behemoth, should you be too young to know.

A few months earlier a matronly fitting room attendant had stopped me as I flicked through her bra rack and asked if she could take a photo with her point-and-click. ‘Yeah. Okay,’ I said and half-smiled, half-frowned for the camera. I got a letter two weeks later inviting me to attend the finals being held at the mall’s centre stage. Up for grabs was a modelling contract, a Dolly magazine shoot and a bra and knickers package.

The other finalists chat and laugh as we wait for the judges’ announcement. They’re glossy and cheerleader-y and all seem to be wearing the same Best & Less stilettos and black lycra micro-dresses that they keep adjusting over their bottoms, but without bending over. Because to do so would muck up their hair-sprayed quiff-fringes, a few strands combed forward over their eyes.

I hadn’t got the Robert Palmer memo.

I’m wearing an ankle-length white poly-cotton peasant dress with beige slouch socks and worn tan Sportsgirl brogues with splits in the soles. It’s a bit Linda Kozlowski in Crocodile Dundee. A little bit Out of Africa. I’d borrowed the dress from a girl at school and I’d carefully hand-stitched the princess-line seams in a few centimetres to fit. Dad Araldited the splits in my shoes and dried them on the hot water tank overnight.

I’m feeling nervous. And, oh boy, so terribly alone.

Also, this had just happened. On my second run on the catwalk for the Saturday morning shopping crowd I’d spun in front of the judges. All eyeballs were on me.

And. Then. Time seemed to stop and the world went silent like it does just before a bushfire.

And. Then. A tightly packed wad of toilet paper dropped from under my dress and landed with a light pfft, right in front of the judges.

As an awkwardly undeveloped teen, I’d do this thing where I’d stuff tissue or toilet paper into the sides of my underpants to give me hips where I had none. I wore jeans mostly, and would stick the toilet paper in the pockets, wash them and then bake them in the sun, creating papier-mâché insta-curves. I’d also wear two – sometimes three – T-shirts at a time, rolling the sleeves up over each other, and football socks with ankle boots to bulk out my undersized frame. I was an optical illusion of womanly shape that had to be carefully, anxiously, constructed each morning.

From the back of the crowd Dad whooped, ‘You little beauuuuty!’ like he did at sports carnivals when my brothers and sister and I ran into the home straight, no matter our placing in the pack.

I scampered off behind the curtain.

Was I mortified? Ashamed? No. This wasn’t the issue. The ordeal had instead triggered a panic, an overwhelming and lonely panic of the most fundamental kind.

I was breathless and alert in the car on the way home with my second-place bra and knickers package. Entirely unanchored, dangerously adrift. In this moment I fully believed that I didn’t get it. I didn’t ‘get’ life. And everyone else on the planet did. They’d got The Guidebook. They got the missive that showed them how to interject in a jokey conversation. They got the instructions for choosing the right career path. They seemed to somehow know why we existed. Shit! Shit! How was I going to get through this thing called life?

But! One of the dear, dear things about getting older, is that it does eventually dawn on you that there is no guidebook. One day it suddenly emerges: No one bloody gets it! None of us knows what we’re doing.

Thing is, we all put a lot of effort into looking like we did get the guide, that of course we know how to do this caper called life. We put on a smile rather than tell friends we are desperately lonely. And we make loud, verbose claims at dinner parties to make everyone certain of our certainty. We’re funny like that.

3.

Stephen Fry wrote in The Fry Chronicles that behind ‘the mask of security, ease, confidence and assurance I wear (so easily that its features often lift in to a smirk that looks like complacency and smugness) [is] the real condition of anxiety, self-doubt, self-disgust and fear in which much of my life then and now is lived.’ Two things about this.

Thing 1. It’s the most incredible relief to know that we’re all wearing masks … and to see them slip on others. Oh, sweet Jesus, we’re not alone! We’re in this together! It’s not a mean-spirited schadenfreude; it’s the ultimate connection. Really it is. My beaut and brutally frank mate Rick rang and asked me one morning, ‘Darl, why exactly are you writing this book?’ ‘Because I can’t help it and because I’m sick of being lonely,’ I replied. Then I quoted something I’d read that morning from philosopher Alain de Botton’s The Book of Life: ‘We must suffer alone. But we can at least hold out our arms to our similarly tortured, fractured, and above all else, anxious neighbours, as if to say, in the kindest way possible: “I know …”’ ‘Good,’ Rick said and hung up.

Thing 2. When you realise there’s no guidebook, an opportunity suddenly presents itself. If no one knows what they’re doing, if there’s no ‘right’ way to do life, then we can surely choose our own way. Yes?

4.

My beautiful brother Ben recently asked me over the phone, ‘Remember that time you got stuck on the bus because of that woman’s perfume?’ Nope. But if Ben, the family elephant, said it happened, it did. Ben’s sixteen months younger than me and I realise just now that he’s been my ballast over the years with his gruff, ‘Sarah, just don’t worry about it’ sturdiness. The Mindy to my Mork.

Apparently I was so distressed by the stench from the lady sitting next to me I’d covered my face and missed several bus stops. Perfume has always made me anxious. I was six.

I’ve been anxious for a long, long time. I don’t know when or how it kicked in, but I don’t remember a time without it.

5.

I was diagnosed with childhood anxiety and insomnia at twelve, then bulimia in my late teens, then obsessive-­compulsive disorder shortly thereafter, then depression and hypomania and then, in my early twenties, manic depression, or bipolar disorder as it’s now called.

I’ve seen about three dozen psychiatrists and psychotherapists and spiritual healers, generally twice a week for years at a time. I was medicated from seventeen until I was twenty-eight with anti-epileptic, anti-anxiety and anti-psychotic drugs. I’ve waded through CBT, NLP, hypnotherapy, Freudian analysis, spiritual coaching and sand play. For long, lonely slabs I’ve had to step out of the slipstream of life, missing school, dropping out of university twice, quitting jobs and unable to leave the house for up to a year at a time. Also twice.

I can now tell you it was all anxiety. All of it. Just different flavours.

But at twenty-seven I decided to go my own way. I was living in Melbourne, writing restaurant reviews and celebrity features for the Sunday paper. I also wrote a weekly opinion column. I’d write it Thursday night and had the most marvellous time, under the pump, with an outlet for my thoughts on homeless people, feminism and the reasons why men always power-walk in pairs. I’d recently split from my first boyfriend and was living with a fun artist in a South Yarra terrace that was to be demolished in coming months. We wrote on the walls, ivy grew through the kitchen, we cooked stew. And I was on a conscious mission to explore sex. I came to sex late and had only had one sexual partner. I was ready to play; it was a fun experiment and one not based on pain or compromise. Things felt aligned and touched by some rippin’ flow.

And so I broke up with the psychiatrist who was my last for a very long time. I presented her with a dot-pointed rationale of why I had to go my own way. ‘I am ready,’ I told her. ‘This is the real thing, now. Life ain’t no run-up, a dress rehearsal,’ I said. ‘I’m ready for the work. It’s just hard work, right? I can do hard work. It’s a matter of firing the f*ck up.’ She shook my hand as I left her dimly lit office overlooking Melbourne’s Albert Park. I appreciate, now, that I was probably riding a slightly manic upswing.

Six months later I had used up the last of my medications. They’d run out, one by one. And I’d simply chosen not to repeat the prescriptions.

Despite appearances, this was not a monumental fork-in-the-road-never-turn-back moment. That’s the thing with my important life moments, they always seem to emerge slowly, like a Polaroid picture. I suspect few people have instant-­capture aha moments. Especially those of us ensconced in the nebulous realm of anxiety where discernible lines between normal and neurotic cease, at some point, to exist.

That said, I think my adult journey, the one I’m sharing in this book you’re holding, began as I left my psychiatrist’s office on that late autumn morning. I remember the soft light. I remember doing a fist-pump as I walked to the tram stop. I was making up my own rules for managing what everyone insisted on calling an illness and I knew I was ready to live them out. I get asked how I did this. I can only say that I chose. I made the decision and then I committed, motivated predominantly by the fact that, frankly, nothing else had worked. I’ve spoken to a lot of functioning neurotics over the years and they tell me the same. You choose. You might not even know why, but you do. You commit. Then you do the work.

Oh, yeah. Then you falter. And fuck up. And go back to the beginning.

In my mid-thirties my mania flared again. And my obsessive-­compulsive disorder. I’ve wrestled with OCD since I was eleven or twelve. I have to tap things and check things, and wash my hands, to a count of three. It’s a night-time ritual only. I tap light switches and doors and bathroom taps after everyone has gone to bed and I check – to a count of three, in multiples of three – for things under my bed. As a kid I counted pretty much everything in threes – cracks, drips, turnings of my pillow to the cool side when I couldn’t sleep. I know when I’m getting worse. My counting goes from sets of threes to sets of fours and fives.

At thirty-five I was also suicidal for the second time in my life. I was unable to leave the house or to work for nine months. Everything unravelled again.

The first time was when I was twenty-two, but I’ll cover this off a bit later on.

I’ve since gone back to therapists. I’ve gone back to medi­cation. And then gone off it again. I have anxiety attacks in batches throughout the year. I keep Valium in my bathroom. Just in case.

But this journey is what I do now. I bump along, in fits and starts, on a perpetual path to finding better ways for me and my mate, Anxiety, to get around.

It’s everything I do.

As someone wrote to me on my blog a few years ago, ‘Sarah, you’re all striving, no arriving.’ Yes, and I think this is the point. I’ve written more than 1500 posts on my personal blog, and hundreds (thousands?) of agonised-over columns for eleven different magazines and newspapers over a twenty-two-year writing career in which I try out different ideas and life hacks all geared in one way or another at … what? … understanding my anxiety. It’s been a rather self-serving career trajectory.

Where do I land? Modern medicine has certainly preferred dealing with my various conditions as individual diagnoses – the bipolar, the anxiety attacks, the obsessive-compulsive disorder, the insomnia, as well as the host of autoimmune diseases I’ve developed along the way (and never shall thy psychiatrist and endocrinologist meet!). But me? I think all the diagnoses boil down to anxiety. That is, an itchy sense that things are not right, a buzzing dis-ease. Whatever doctors want to call it, the feeling is the same: it’s that gut-­twisting, grip-from-behind, heart-sinky feeling that winds me in tighter spirals and makes everything go faster and with so much urgency and soon enough I’m running down a steep hill faster than my poor spinning legs can carry me.

I’m aware many doctors may disagree with this notion, and I could indeed be wrong. But I reckon it’s time we explored the idea. It’s time we had the conversation because I think many of us are feeling the itchiness of something missing from the issue.

My qualifications for writing this book, then, if this matters to you, is that I’m a committed striver. I’m strapped in. Doing the work and keen to start the conversation.

I should also point out that I don’t have an answer to … any of it. You should probably know this eleven pages in. This book doesn’t take a linear path to salvation. Nope, it meanders through a series of explorations. I take off my mask and share my not-knowing.

But, dear reader, I ask you, do you feel, in your heart of hearts, that fixing your anxiety is the answer? I ask this of anyone with the kind of low-to-medium anxious buzz we’re all feeling, as well as those of you with a diagnosed anxious condition. Because the question is equally relevant. Do you think it might be lovelier if we bundle up our uncertainty, fear, late-night over-thinking and kooky coping habits, tuck them gently under our arm, and see where they take us?

This might not sound like the most ‘grab a highlighter and mark out the wisdoms’ premise for a book. But let’s see how it goes.

6.

The Journey by Mary Oliver goes straight to it. I don’t generally like long quotes and poems in books. They clutter the flow. But please, do yourself a favour and read it in full (it’s just over the page), and absorb it, so we can all start on the right note.

THE JOURNEY

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice –

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my life!”

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations –

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice,

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do –

determined to save

the only life you could save.

—Mary Oliver

Don’t you reckon?