فصل 23

CHAPTER 23

Words That Breathe

Monday is vocabulary day, when Mr. Daniels goes over the new words for the week. As far as reading lessons go, this isn’t so bad. All I have to do is listen as he tells us the word’s meaning, and I can usually remember it because I make mind movies about each one and that helps me remember.

I’ve always had one important rule in the classroom, which is to try to lie low. If I’m called upon, I’ll say, I don’t know, even if I do. I discovered that giving a teacher an answer makes them expect more from me, and then everyone gets disappointed. If they never get an answer from me, they stop asking.

But today, during vocabulary, Mr. Daniels brings up two words alone and lonely. He asks for volunteers to explain the difference between the two.

It’s like my arm doesn’t belong to me when it goes up. Mr. Daniels stops midsentence and looks at me.

Yes, Ally?

What have I done? I try to figure out what I should say. Maybe ask to go get a drink? But the thing is that something deep inside me really does want to answer. Because I’m an expert on these two words. I know what they mean. And how they feel. Especially after that butterfly party.

Mr. Daniels’s eyes are wide, and they are waiting for me. Ally? he says. It’s okay, now. Take your time.

And it’s like he can see right into my guts. Knows how sad I am. Like he’s handing me a flashlight in a dark room.

I lock eyes with Mr. Daniels and I forget anyone else is even there. I say, Well . . . alone is a way to be. It’s being by yourself with no one else around. And it can be good or bad. And it can be a choice. When my mom and brother are both working, I’m alone, but I don’t mind it. I swallow hard. Shift in my seat. But being lonely is never a choice. It’s not about who is with you or not. You can feel lonely when you’re alone, but the worst kind of lonely is when you’re in a room full of people, but you’re still alone. Or you feel like you are, anyway.

I look at Mr. Daniels. He has his hands stuffed in his pockets and his face looks sad. I try to remember what I just said, but speaking in class has made me so nervous that my mind is doing its Etch A Sketch thing. Unable to play my words back. What did I say? Why does he look like that?

Staying quiet and having people think you’re stupid is better than talking and having people know for sure.

Mr. Daniels says my name.

Huh?

No one laughs. Not even Shay or Jessica.

Well, he says, if I had a trophy to give out for the best answer of the year, I’d give it to you for that. He throws his hands up as if to celebrate. That was . . . well, excellent!

I stare at my desk, wondering why he would say that.

Ally?

I look up. Thanks, I say, feeling like I have to move. Leave. Why is he acting like I won the Brain Olympics just because I answered a question? Can I please go to the bathroom now?

Mr. Daniels seems confused. Uh, yeah. Sure, Ally. Go ahead.

When I stand, Shay squints at me and shakes her head. She doesn’t even have to say anything and my brain plays the things she would say.

Even when I do something right, I feel like I’ve done something wrong. If I were a coin, I’d be a wooden nickel.