فصل 26

CHAPTER 26

Stalling

I run into the bathroom and hide in the stall at the end. I stand, pressing myself up against the wall. Embarrassed and humiliated and never wanting to go back.

The door opens and someone comes in.

You okay? Keisha asks.

No. I’m not.

You won an award. Who in the world runs from an award? I’d think you’d be happy.

I didn’t. I didn’t win for real.

What are you talking about? she asks. Of course you did. I was there.

No. Trust me. I didn’t. He just . . . He’s just trying to be nice.

Why don’t you come out of there?

You don’t understand. Just go away.

You’re right, Ally. I don’t understand. I don’t know why you’re mad about an award.

I feel so much worse than just mad. Look, I say. When you get on your bike, don’t you expect it to hold you up? Not fall apart when you pedal?

Yeah. So what?

Imagine if every single time you got on your bike, you had to worry that the wheels would come off. And every time you ride, they do. But you still have to ride. Every day. And then you have to watch everyone watch you as the bike goes to pieces underneath you. With everyone thinking that it’s your fault and you’re the worst bike rider in the world.

Why in the world are you talking about bikes and wheels coming off?

My brain, I say, leaning my forehead against the cold wall. My brain will never do what I want it to do.

C’mon. It’s not like your brain is broken. So you’re not the best speller. So what? Your brain seems fine to me.

You don’t understand what it’s like to be different than everyone else.

Wait. Have you noticed how different I look than everyone else in our class?

It’s not the same.

Look, you’re my friend. The best friend I have here. If you want to say things like that and make it hard to be your friend, then . . . well, I’ll just wait for you to come to your senses.

Oh.

You’re talking like a fool saying I don’t understand what it’s like to be different. But the thing is . . . I’m only different to the people who see with the wrong eyes. And I don’t care what people like that think.

I laugh a little. Albert says that the problem is that white people don’t have enough melanin. He says that’s the thing that makes human skin darker.

Well, that boy is bonkers, but he is a smart one. She sounds happy. Now, come on out.

I lean against the wall for a minute more because it’s easier to say my next thing without seeing anyone. It comes from a place so deep inside, it’s like it’s coming out of the ground. I just . . . I just want to fit in for once. I mean, I really do. Just to be the same as everyone else.

Keisha doesn’t answer for a while. Look. You don’t fit in. I don’t fit in. Albert doesn’t fit in, either. Who says who fits in, anyway? People like Shay? That girl is just mean. Who cares what she thinks?

The stall door is still closed, but I smile as I imagine Keisha’s expression. I’m lucky to have her.

Come on, Ally. Who wants to fit in with people like Shay and her worse-than-awful friends? Thankfully we’ll never fit in with people like that. Keisha laughs again. One thing’s for sure. We’re not gonna fit in, but we’re gonna stand out. All three of us. You wait and see. You’re going to be a famous artist and Albert is going to cure cancer or invent talking fish or something.

Talking fish? What would they say? ‘Please don’t fry me’? I push the door open, and her face is just like I imagined. And you’re going to have a big baking business, right?

Maybe in my spare time. I’m also going to rule the world.

I laugh. Then swallow hard. Thanks for being my friend, Keisha.

Don’t go thanking me for that. Thank me for this I’m going to go tell Shay she has a spot on the back of her fancy riding jacket so we can watch her try to look. Then we can eat that ice cream that you won.