فصل 46

Here Comes the Bride and/or the Assassin

ALEX KNEW how to get our attention. Hearth and Blitz gawped at her. Jack gasped and glowed bright yellow. Thor’s eyebrows furrowed, sparking like jumper cables. Even the goats trotted over to get a closer look at the crazy girl.

“What?” Alex demanded. “Sam and I discussed it. She vowed to Amir that she wouldn’t even fake-marry this giant, right? The charade doesn’t bother me at all. I’ll dress up, say the vows, kill my new husband, whatever. Sam and I are close to the same size. We’re both children of Loki. She can pose as my maid of honor. It’s our best option.”

I stared at Sam. “That’s what you and Alex have been talking about?”

Samirah fingered the keys on her belt ring. “Alex thinks she can resist Loki…unlike what happened to me in Provincetown.”

It was the first time she’d talked about the incident so openly. I remembered Loki snapping his fingers, Sam collapsing in a heap, all the air expelled from her lungs. Sam was a Valkyrie. She had the strongest willpower and discipline of anyone I knew. If she couldn’t resist Loki’s control…

“Alex, are you sure?” I tried not to let doubt creep into my voice. “I mean, have you ever tried to resist Loki before?”

Alex’s expression hardened. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“No,” I said hastily. “I just—”

“The larger point,” Thor butted in, “is that you’re not even a proper girl! You’re an argr!”

The air became still, like the moment before a thunderclap. I wasn’t sure which possibility scared me more, Thor attacking Alex, or Alex attacking Thor. The look in her eyes made me wonder if we shouldn’t just put her on the borders of Jotunheim to scare away the giants rather than bothering with Thor and his hammer.

“I’m a child of Loki,” she said in an even tone. “That’s what Thrym is expecting. Like my parent, I’m gender fluid. And when I’m female, I am female. I can definitely pull off a lace appliqué wedding gown better than you!”

Thor fumed. “Well, there’s no need to be mean about it.”

“Besides,” Alex said, “I will not let Loki control me. I never have. I never will. I also don’t see anyone else volunteering for this suicidal bridal mission.”

“Suicidal bridal,” Jack said. “Hey, that rhymes!”

Otis clopped forward and sighed. “Well, if you need a volunteer to die, I suppose I can do it. I’ve always loved weddings—”

“Shut up, dummy!” Marvin said. “You’re a goat!”

Thor picked up his iron staff. He leaned against it thoughtfully, tapping his fingers and making different images flicker across the surface—a soccer match, the Home Shopping Network, Gilligan’s Island.

“Well,” he said at last, “I still don’t trust an argr to do this job—”

“A gender-fluid person,” Alex corrected.

“A gender…whatever you said,” Thor amended. “But I suppose, respect-wise, you have the least to lose.”

Alex bared her teeth. “I get now why Loki loves you so much.”

“Guys,” I said. “We have other problems to discuss, and not much time. Thrym is expecting his bride to arrive tomorrow.”

Alex folded her arms. “It’s decided, then. I get to marry the big ugly guy.”

Yes, you marry him, Hearthstone signed. Many happy years and fine children.

Alex narrowed her eyes. “I can see I’m going to have to learn sign language. In the meantime, I will assume you said, Yes, Alex. Thank you, Alex, for being so brave and heroic.”

Close enough, Hearth signed.

I still wasn’t loving the idea of Alex as a decoy bride, but I figured I’d better move things along. Keeping this group focused was like driving a chariot with no goats and a broken transaxle.

“So anyway,” I said, “we have to assume we can’t sneak Thor in with the wedding party.”

“And he can’t simply bust into an earth giant’s lair,” Blitz added.

Thor harrumphed. “I’ve tried, believe me. The stupid giants are buried too deep in rock too dense.”

“You’re an expert on density,” Alex guessed.

I gave her a shut up look. “So we have to use the front door. I’m guessing they won’t tell us where that is until the last minute to avoid an ambush or unwelcome tagalongs.”

“What does the invitation say?” Sam asked.

I took it out and showed them. The time slot now read: TOMORROW MORNING!!! The location slot still said: WE’LL GET BACK TO YOU.

“That’s okay,” I said. “I think I may know where the entrance will appear.”

I explained to Thor about the photo of Bridal Veil Falls.

The thunder god did not look overjoyed. “So either you’re wrong and this is a random photograph, or you’re right and you’re choosing to believe information from your treacherous uncle?”

“Well…yeah. But if it is the entrance—”

“I could scout it out,” Thor said. “I could have a team of gods in place, undercover, ready to follow the wedding party inside all stealthy-like.”

“A team of gods sounds excellent,” I agreed.

“Depending on the gods,” Blitz murmured.

“We also have some einherjar standing by,” Sam suggested. “Good warriors. Trustworthy.”

She said trustworthy like it was a word Thor might not have heard before.

“Hmm.” Thor twirled one of his pigtails. “I suppose this could work. And once Thrym summons the hammer—”

“If he summons it,” Alex said. “He’s using it as the, er, morning after gift.”

Thor looked aghast. “Regardless, he must summon it for the ceremony! The bride has the right to insist. The symbol of my hammer is always used to bless a wedding. If Thrym has the real thing, he must use it if you request it. And once he does, we’ll move in and kill everyone!”

Except us, Hearthstone said.

“Exactly, Mr. Elf! It will be a glorious bloodbath!”

“Lord Thor,” Sam said, “how will you know when the time is right to charge in?”

“That’s easy.” He turned and patted Marvin’s and Otis’s heads. “You’ll ride my chariot into the wedding hall. That’s a common enough practice for lords and ladies. With a little concentration, I can see and hear what my goats see and hear.”

“Yes,” Otis said. “It gives me a tingling feeling right behind my eyeballs.”

“Be quiet,” Marvin said. “Nobody wants to hear about your tingling eyeballs.”

“When the hammer appears”—Thor grinned evilly—“we move in, gods and einherjar. We slaughter the giants, and all will be well. I feel better already!”

“Yay!” Jack cheered, clinking against Thor’s staff in a high five…or a high just-one.

Samirah raised her index finger like, one moment. “There’s something else. Loki wants the Skofnung Sword so he can cut himself free. How do we make sure he doesn’t get it?”

“That will never happen!” Thor said. “Loki’s place of punishment is in a completely different location, sealed long ago by the gods. Loki is bound even better than Fenris Wolf.”

And we saw how well that worked out, Hearth signed.

“The elf speaks wisely,” Thor agreed. “There is nothing to worry about. Loki can’t be at the wedding in the flesh. Even if Thrym gets hold of the Skofnung Sword, he won’t have time to find Loki or free him—not before we swoop in and kill the big oaf!”

Thor swung his iron staff to demonstrate his ninja moves. His left pigtail came loose in the process, which only added to the intimidating effect.

A cold feeling spread through my gut. “I don’t know about this plan. It still feels like we’re missing something important.”

“My hammer!” Thor said. “But we’ll get that back soon enough. Mr. Elf and Mr. Dwarf, why don’t you go to Valhalla and alert the einherjar?”

“Sir, we would…” Blitz adjusted his pith helmet. “But we’re not technically allowed in Valhalla, not being, you know, dead.”

“I can fix that!”

“Don’t kill us!” Blitz yelped.

Thor just rummaged around his worktable until he found a two-by-four with a key attached to one end. Burned into the side of the plank were the words THOR’S HALL PASS.

“This will get you into Valhalla,” he promised. “Just return it. I’m going to fix this chariot so our gender argr bride can use it tomorrow. Then I’ll gather my assault squad and scout out this location, Bridal Veil Falls.”

“And the rest of us?” I asked reluctantly.

“You and the two children of Loki will be our guests tonight!” Thor announced. “Go see Sif upstairs, and she will get you settled. In the morning, you will ride forth to a glorious matrimonial massacre!”

“Oh,” Otis said with a sigh. “I do love weddings.”