فصل 23

chapter-23 The right time.

I suppose that the real reason I was so upset by Tanner and Ostin was that deep inside I was afraid that they were right. I guess that’s usually how it goes, right? If someone says something that has no basis in truth, it doesn’t bother us much. It’s the things we fear they might be right about that hurt.

It seemed to me that the closer we got to leaving on the mission, the more uncertain I felt about the whole thing—and the more unlikely I thought it was that we’d succeed. It didn’t help that Taylor hadn’t been at the meeting. She somehow made things feel better to me. Or at least she made me feel better about them.

I took one of the ranch’s mountain bikes and went out alone for a ride to clear my head. I think that I must have ridden at least ten miles on the dirt, washboard road before coming back. I kept to myself for the rest of the afternoon, only joining the others at dinner.

Ostin was waiting for me as I walked into the dining room. He looked sad, like someone who had just lost his best friend. He hadn’t, but he looked like that.

“Hey,” he said, walking up to me. “I’m sorry about what I said.” I really wasn’t in the mood to talk about it. “Don’t worry about it.” “That’s all I’ve done since you left. Besides, I found another logical way of looking at this. It’s more positive.” “How’s that?”

“So far we’ve faced six life-threatening missions and we’ve beaten them all. So, statistically speaking, we’re more likely to beat bad odds than not. So the more unlikely the odds, the better our odds.” I squinted. “Isn’t that a paradox? Because if they’re now good odds, they’re not.” “No sense overthinking it,” Ostin said.

I couldn’t help but grin. “Whatever works. Let’s eat.”

Ostin looked relieved. “Great. ‘Cause I’m starving, man. I’m starving.” * * *

Taylor and her mother didn’t return to the ranch until after dark, about two hours after dinner. I was sitting on the front porch talking to Jack as their car pulled up and Taylor got out. She looked as if she hadn’t slept for days. I remember how messed up I was when I lost my father, so I wasn’t surprised. I walked over to her. “How’s your dad?” “He’s doing okay,” she said. “He’s come down with a fever, so they’ve got him on antibiotics, but they’re still hopeful that they can release him soon.” She looked at me. “I hear I missed an important meeting.” I took her hand and we walked a little ways off.

“Yeah. Before we steal the Joule, we’re going to fly to Taiwan and rescue Welch.” “I’m not going,” she said.

I looked at her. “What?”

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to tell you tonight. . . . I just can’t.” She looked at me. “I’m sorry to let you down.” I had no idea what to say. Even though part of me had wanted her to stay, my heart felt like a bag of concrete had just dropped on it. Finally I said, “You’d just get in the way, anyway.” She didn’t respond. She didn’t need to. We both knew what I was saying was absurd. Ridiculously absurd. Then she looked at me in a way she never had before. Her eyes welled up with tears and her chin started quivering. “Michael, I think we need to break up.” If the last announcement had hit me like a bag of concrete, this one was the entire concrete truck. “What?” “I’ve been thinking a lot about this. I think it’s the right thing to do.” When I could speak, I asked, “Did I do something wrong?” She wiped her eyes. “No, it’s not you. It’s not even us.” “If it’s not us, then what is it?”

Tears fell down her face. “It’s just . . . it’s just not the right time for us.” Now my eyes began to well up. “Please don’t do this. Not now.” “I’m sorry. Now is the time to do this.”

I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t have said it anyway. There was a lump in my throat the size of a basketball.

Finally she said, “I’m going to bed. I just want this day to end.” Without saying good night, she turned and walked away.

I hadn’t felt that awful since my father died.