فصل 7 بخش 2

CHAPTER 7.2

THE WEALTH OF PASSION

Man is only great when he acts from passion.

—BENJAMIN DISRAELI

We’ve come a long way together, haven’t we? It’s been an incredible adventure, and I’m honored and grateful that you’ve chosen to make this journey with me.

By now you’ve navigated the money myths that block your way to financial freedom; climbed the mountain of successful saving and investing on the way to achieving your financial dreams; and learned new ways to safely glide to a secure future where you can work only because you want to work, not because you have to work.

You’ve met some remarkable financial geniuses and incredible human beings, such as Ray Dalio, Paul Tudor Jones, Mary Callahan Erdoes, Carl Icahn, David Swensen, Jack Bogle, Charles Schwab, and dozens of others to help guide you on your path. I’m hoping you’ll return to the 7 Simple Steps you’ve learned in this book again and again throughout your life, to keep yourself on target. Also, I’m providing an action list at the end of this section to help you track and sustain your progress. In addition, you’ll find a simple reminder system built into our app to keep you on target. Use these as a way to insure that you remain committed to the simple principles that will secure your freedom. Picking up this book and reviewing it in the future might be a useful way to remind yourself that you are not a creature of circumstance but a creator of your life. Remember, knowledge is not power—action is! Execution trumps knowledge every day of the week!

For me, this journey has been the culmination of decades of learning and teaching, and this book is truly a labor of love. It is my heartfelt gift to you. My hope is that you do so well that you can also pass on this gift to others. Because the greatest gift of life is to live it for something that outlasts it: a legacy that continues to grow beyond our years.

And as we begin to complete this journey together, I want to make sure that I don’t leave you without reminding you of what this all has really been about.

Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.

—DALAI LAMA XIV

It has been my great privilege to work with people from every walk of life: leaders in politics, finance, entertainment, and sports, but also in the religious and spiritual world. I’ve worked in the Middle East, where I brought young Israelis and Palestinians together in a leadership program in the West Bank. At first they expressed a seething hatred for one another—but within a week, they’d become great friends (and in nine years have continued to work on various peace projects in support of one another).

As a result, the Dalai Lama came to visit our Sun Valley home and later invited me to an interfaith peace conference in San Francisco in 2006. It took place during a week in April when three great religious faiths observed one of their high holidays: Easter for Christians, Passover for Jews, and, for Muslims, Mawlid an-Nabi, the birthday of Muhammed. The timing was significant, as the conference aimed to promote compassion and better understanding among all the great religions.

The Dalai Lama, draped in deep red and saffron robes, greeted me in the ballroom of the Mark Hopkins Hotel with a warm embrace and a belly laugh. He radiated warmth and joy—like a walking, breathing embodiment of the “art of happiness” he teaches. There were about 1,000 people attending the conference, but I had the honor of sitting in an intimate meeting he hosted with about 25 of the world’s top theologians and spiritual leaders: Hindus, Buddhists, Episcopalians, Native Americans, Catholics, Jews, Sunnis, and Shiites—the list went on.

It was a fascinating experience because it started out as most of these conferences do, with everybody being wonderful and kind and gracious. But then we got into the nitty-gritty of human lives and age-old conflicts—and ideology and dogma started boiling up from beneath the surface. The conversation got a little heated, with everybody talking at once and nobody really listening.

Finally, the Dalai Lama raised his hand like a little boy in class. He wasn’t upset at all, but he just kept waving his hand with a serene, amused smile on his face. Gradually, people saw him, and you could tell they were a little embarrassed for arguing and ignoring their host. When they finally became quiet, he dropped his arm.

“Ladies and gentlemen, one thing we can all agree upon in this room,” the Dalai Lama said. “The great faiths of the world are represented here, and many of us are considered to be leaders of those faiths. We all have great pride in our individual traditions. But I think we don’t want to lose sight of what the purpose of our religions is, and what the people we represent really want.” He paused for effect and said, “What they all want is to be happy!” What’s the common denominator, he asked, between the goat herder in Afghanistan and the financial trader in New York City; the tribal chief in Africa and the mother of ten in Argentina; the fashion designer in Paris and the weaver in Peru? “They all want to be happy.” “That’s the essence of everything,” His Holiness said. “If what we do creates more unhappiness, then we’ve truly failed.”

But what is it that creates happiness?

I’ve always taught that success without fulfillment is the ultimate failure.

It’s important to remember what you’re really, truly after: that sense of joy, freedom, security, or love—whatever you want to call it. Each one of us finds a pathway we believe will lead to happiness, fulfillment, or meaning. And there are so many paths. Some look for happiness through religion, or nature, or relationships. Others think a great body, money, prominent degrees, children, or business accomplishments will make them happy. But true wealth, as you and I know deep in our souls, cannot be measured only by the size of your bank account or the number of assets you have acquired or grown.

So what’s the final secret, the key to a rich life? Enjoy it and share it! But first you must take action. As the saying goes, if what you learn leads to knowledge, you become a fool; but if what you learn leads to action, you can become wealthy. Remember: rewards come in action, not in discussion.

So before you put down this book, go over the final checklist and make sure you’ve nailed those 7 Simple Steps and are on your way to building the life you desire and deserve.

Then take a breath and remember what it’s all about.

Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.

—HENRY DAVID THOREAU

We all know there are many kinds of wealth: emotional wealth; relationship wealth; intellectual wealth; physical wealth, in the form of energy, strength, and vitality; and, of course, spiritual wealth: the sense that our life has a deeper meaning, a higher calling beyond ourselves. One of the biggest mistakes we human beings make is when we focus on mastering one form of wealth at the expense of all the rest.

This book has never really been just about money. What it’s really about is creating an extraordinary quality of life—life on your terms. Until now we’ve zeroed in on how to master the game of money and financial independence because money can have a significant effect on everything from our psychology, to our health, to our intimate relationships. But it’s important to remember that it’s impossible to live an extraordinary life if you don’t also master the game of relationships, the game of fulfillment, and the game of health.

Being the richest man in the graveyard is not the goal.

I will never forget taking my children to see Cirque du Soleil when the troupe came to our hometown in Del Mar, California, almost three decades ago. We were fortunate enough to get VIP tickets with floor seats right next to the stage. You could almost reach out and touch the performers.

Just before the show began, I noticed three prime seats were still open beside us, and I thought, “Wow, someone is going to miss out on an amazing show.” But a minute or two later, a giant man, walking with the help of a cane and two assistants, came down the stairs. He must have weighed at least 400 pounds. When he sat down, he took up the three empty seats and was wheezing and sweating from the short walk to the front row. I felt so bad for this man—and for my daughter, who was being crushed by his body spilling over that third seat and onto her! I overheard a person behind me whispering that he was the richest man in Canada. It turns out he was one of the richest men in Canada—financially. A billionaire, no less! Yet in that moment, I couldn’t help thinking about the pain he must live in—all because he put so much of his focus into money while neglecting his health and the physical wealth of his body. He was literally killing himself! And by failing to master more than one aspect of his life, he couldn’t enjoy what he had—not even a simple, magical evening at the theater.

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.

—THORNTON WILDER

What’s the point of massive achievement if your life has no balance? And what’s the point of winning the game if you never take the time to celebrate and appreciate the life you have? There’s nothing worse than a rich person who’s chronically angry or unhappy. There’s really no excuse for it, yet I see this phenomenon so often. It’s the result of an extremely unbalanced life—one with too much expectation and not enough appreciation for what’s already here. Without gratitude and appreciation for what we already have, we’ll never know true fulfillment. As Sir John Templeton said, “If you’ve got a billion dollars and you’re ungrateful, you’re a poor man. If you have very little but you’re grateful for what you have, you’re truly rich.” How do you cultivate gratitude? Start by looking at the force that controls your mind and emotions.

Our decisions ultimately control the quality of our lives. In all the years I’ve worked with people, I’ve found that there are three key decisions that we make every moment of our lives. If we make these decisions unconsciously, we end up with lives like the majority of people, who tend to be out of shape physically, exhausted emotionally, and often bored with or too comfortable in their intimate relationships—not to mention financially stressed.

But if you make these decisions consciously, you literally can change your life in an instant! What are the three decisions that determine the quality of your life? That determine whether you feel rich or poor in any given moment? The first one is: DECISION 1:

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO FOCUS ON?

In every moment of our lives, there are millions of things we can focus on. We can focus on the things that are happening right here, right now, or on what we want to create in the future, or we can put our focus back on the past. We can direct our focus to solving a big challenge or to appreciating the beauty of this moment, or to feeling sorry for ourselves about some disappointing experience. If we don’t direct our focus consciously, the environment we’re in tends to make constant demands to get our attention.

There are hundreds of billions of dollars spent on advertising, trying to get this precious commodity of yours. The news tries to get your focus by telling you the scariest story: “Your child could die from drinking fruit juice! Film at eleven!” or some other ridiculous claim. Why? Because as they say in the media, “If it bleeds, it leads.” If that’s not enough, we live in a social media world where the buzz in your pocket is constantly calling to you. But here is the key: where focus goes, energy flows. What you focus on, and your pattern of focus, shape your whole life.

Let’s look at two of these patterns that control and can immediately shift your level of joy, happiness, frustration, anger, stress, or fulfillment.

The first question is: Which do you tend to focus on more—what you have or what’s missing from your life? I’m sure you think about both sides of this coin, but if you had to look at your habitual thoughts, where do you tend to spend most of your time?

Even those of us who are in the most difficult situations have plenty in our lives that we can appreciate. If you’re struggling financially, might it be worthwhile to remember that if you make an income of just $34,000 a year, you are actually in the top 1% of all wage earners in the world? Yes, the average annual income on the planet is only $1,480 a month. In fact, almost half the world, or more than 3 billion people, live on less than $2.50 per day, which is a little more than $900 per year. The average drink at Starbucks is $3.25. If you can afford that, you’re spending more with one purchase of a cup of coffee than what half the planet has to live on for one day.

That puts things in perspective, doesn’t it? So if you want to occupy Wall Street because you resent the so-called 1%, you might stop to consider that 99% of the rest of the world might want to occupy your “terrible” life!

But in all seriousness, rather than focusing on what we don’t have and begrudging those who are better off financially, perhaps we should acknowledge that there’s so much to be grateful for in our lives that has nothing to do with money. We can be grateful for our health, our friends, our opportunities, our minds, and the fact that we get to drive on roads that we didn’t have to build, read books we didn’t have to take years to write, and tap into the internet that we didn’t have to create.

Where do you tend to put your focus? On what you have or on what’s missing?

A pattern of appreciating what you have will create a new level of emotional well-being and wealth. And my guess is that if you’re reading this book, you may be one of those people who already notices what you have. But the real question is, do you take time to deeply feel grateful in your mind, body, heart, and soul? That’s where the joy and the gifts will be found. Not with just intellectual appreciation or by the acquisition of another dollar, or another $10 million.

Now let’s consider a second pattern of focus that impacts the quality of your life: Do you tend to focus more on what you can control or what you can’t control? I know the answer will be contextual, as it could change from moment to moment, but I’m asking you overall: What do you tend to do more often? Be honest.

If you focus on what you can’t control, there’s no question you’re going to have more stress in your life. You can influence many aspects of your life, but you can’t control the markets, the health of those you care about, or the attitudes of your children—as anyone who has lived with a two-year-old or a 16-year-old knows!

Yes, we can influence many things, but we can’t control them. The more we feel out of control, the more frustrated we become. In fact, self-esteem can be measured by how much we feel we control the events in our life versus feeling that life’s events are controlling us.

Now, as soon as you begin to focus on something, your brain has to make a second decision, which is:

DECISION 2:

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

What does this mean? Ultimately, how we feel about our lives has nothing to do with the events of our lives, or with our financial condition, or what has or has not happened to us. The quality of our lives is controlled by the meanings we give these things. Most of the time we’re unaware of the impact of these quick meaning decisions that are often made in our unconscious mind.

When something happens that disrupts your life—a car accident, a health issue, a lost job—do you tend to think it’s the end or the beginning? If someone confronts you, is he or she “insulting” you, “coaching” you, or truly “caring” for you? Does this “devastating” problem mean that God is punishing you, or challenging you, or is it possible this problem is a gift from God? Your life becomes whatever meaning you give it. Because with each meaning comes a unique feeling or emotion, and the quality of our lives is where we live emotionally.

Meanings don’t just affect the way we feel; they affect all of our relationships and interactions. Some people think the first ten years of a relationship is just the beginning; that they’re just now getting to know each other, and it’s really exciting. It’s an opportunity to go deeper. Other people could be ten days into a relationship, and the first time they have an argument, they think it’s the end.

Now tell me, if you think this is the beginning of a relationship, are you going to behave the same way as if it were the end? That one slight shift in perception, in meaning, can change your whole life in a moment. In the beginning of a relationship, if you’re totally in love and attracted, what will you do for the other person? The answer is: anything! If he or she asks you to take out the trash, you might leap to your feet and say, “Anything that lights you up, sweetheart!” But after seven days, seven years, or seventy years, people say things like, “What the hell do you think I am, your janitor?!” And they wonder what happened to the passion in their life. I’ve often shared with couples having trouble in their relationships that if you do what you did in the beginning of the relationship, there won’t be an end! Because in the beginning of the relationship you were a giver, not an accountant. You weren’t weighing constantly the meaning of who was giving more. Your entire focus was just lighting up that person, and his or her happiness made you feel like your life was filled with joy.

Let’s look at how these first two decisions, focus and meaning, often combine to create one of modern society’s biggest afflictions: depression. I’m sure you must wonder how it’s possible that so many people who are “rich” and famous—with every resource you could ever desire—could ever be depressed. How is it that so many of those who were beloved by millions of people, and have tens of millions of dollars or more, have even taken their own lives? We’ve seen it over and over again with extraordinarily intelligent individuals, from businessmen to entertainers to comedians. How is this possible, especially with all of the modern treatments and medications available today?

In my seminars, I always ask, “How many of you know someone who is on antidepressants and is still depressed?” Everywhere around the world, in rooms of 5,000 to 10,000 people, I’ll see about 85% to 90% of the room raise their hands. How is that possible? After all, you’re giving them a drug that should make them better.

Well, these antidepressants do come with labels warning that suicidal thoughts are a possible side effect. But perhaps the real challenge is, no matter how much you drug yourself, if you focus constantly on what you can’t control in your life and what’s missing, it’s not hard to find yourself in despair. If you add to that a meaning like “life is not worth living,” you have an emotional cocktail that no antidepressant will be able to overcome consistently.

But I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that if that same person can come up with a new meaning—a reason to live or a belief that all of this was meant to be—then he will be stronger than anything that has ever happened to him. If she can focus consistently on who needs her, wants her, loves her, what she still wants to give to this world, then anyone can be shifted. How do I know? Because in 38 years of working with people, I’ve never lost one to suicide out of the thousands I’ve dealt with. And knock on wood—there are no guarantees—hopefully I never will. But when you can get people to shift their habitual focus and meanings, there’s no longer a limit on what a person’s life can become.25 A change of focus and a change in meaning can literally change your biochemistry in a matter of minutes. Learning to master this becomes an emotional game changer. How else can you explain the power and beauty of people like the great therapist and thinker Victor Frankl and so many others who made it through the horrors of Auschwitz? They found meaning even in their extreme suffering. It was a higher meaning, a deeper meaning that kept them going—not only to survive but also to save the lives of so many others in the future by saying, “This will never happen again.” We can all find meaning, even in our pain. And when we do, we may still experience pain, but the suffering is gone.

So take control, and always remember: meaning equals emotion, and emotion equals life. Choose consciously and wisely. Find the empowering meaning in anything, and wealth in its deepest sense will be yours today.

DECISION 3:

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

Once we create a meaning in our minds, it creates an emotion, and that emotion leads to a state in which we make our third decision: What am I going to do? The actions we take are powerfully shaped by the emotional states we’re in. If we’re angry, we’re going to behave quite differently than if we’re feeling playful or outrageous.

If you want to shape your actions, the fastest way is to change what you focus on and change the meanings to something more empowering. But even two people who get in an angry state will behave differently. Some will pull back when they’re angry; others push through. Some people express anger quietly or loudly or violently. Some suppress it only to look for a passive-aggressive opportunity to regain the upper hand, or even exact revenge. Some people confront their anger by going to the gym and working out.

Where do these patterns come from? We tend to model our behavior on the people in our lives whom we respect, enjoy, and love. The people who frustrated or angered us? We often reject their approaches, but far too often find ourselves falling back into the pattern that we witnessed over and over again and were so displeased by in our youth.

It’s very useful to become aware of what your patterns are when you get frustrated or angry or sad or feel lonely—because you can’t change your pattern if you’re not aware of it. In addition, now that you’re aware of the power of these three decisions, you might start looking for role models who are experiencing what you want out of life. I promise you, those who have passionate relationships have a totally different focus and come up with totally different meanings for challenges in the relationship than people who are constantly bickering or fighting. Or those who judge each other constantly. It’s not rocket science. If you become aware of the differences in how people make these three decisions, you’ll have a pathway that can help you create a permanent positive change in any area of your life.

At the age of 18, I made up my mind to never have another bad day in my life. I dove into an endless sea of gratitude from which I’ve never emerged.

—DR. PATCH ADAMS

How can you use these three decisions to enhance the quality of your life? It turns out that what we focus on, what emotional states we tend to live in, and what we do can all be conditioned, or “primed,” into our lives with a simple routine. After all, you don’t want to merely hope that positive emotions just show up; you want to condition yourself to live in them. It’s like an athlete developing a muscle. You must train yourself if you want to have an extraordinary quality of fulfillment, enjoyment, happiness, and achievement in your personal, professional, and intimate lives. You must train yourself to focus, feel, and find the most empowering meanings.

This practice is rooted in a concept in psychology called priming, in which words, ideas, and sensory experiences color our perceptions of the world and affect our emotions, motivations, and actions.

What if you were to discover that many of the thoughts that you think are your thoughts are simply conditioned by environmental triggers, or in some cases manipulated consciously by others who understand the power of priming? Let me give you an example.

Two psychologists conducted a study26 in which a stranger handed the subjects either a mug of hot coffee or a cup of iced coffee. The subjects were asked to read about a hypothetical character and asked to describe the character’s true nature. The results were astonishing! Those who were given the hot coffee described the character as “warm” and “generous,” while the iced-coffee holders described him as “cold” and “selfish.” In another study at the University of Washington, women of Asian descent were given a mathematics test. Before the test, they took a brief questionnaire. If they were asked to list their ethnicity, the women scored 20% higher on the math test. But for those who were asked to fill in gender instead of ethnicity, the simple act of writing that they were female produced significantly lower scores. That’s the power of priming in the form of cultural conditioning. It affects our unconscious patterns—shrinking or unleashing our true potential.

We can make use of this phenomenon by developing a simple ten-minute daily practice to prime our minds and hearts for gratitude—the emotion that eliminates anger and fear. Remember, if you’re grateful, you can’t be angry simultaneously. You can’t be fearful and grateful simultaneously. It’s impossible!

I begin every day with a minimum of ten minutes. I stop, close my eyes, and for approximately three minutes reflect on what I’m grateful for: the wind on my face, the love in my life, the opportunities and the blessings I experience. I don’t focus just on big things; I make a point not only to notice, but also to deeply feel an appreciation for the little things that make life rich. For the next three minutes, I ask for health and blessings for all those I love, know, and have the privilege to touch: my family, friends, clients, and the stranger I may meet today. Sending love, blessings, gratitude, and wishes for abundance to all people. As corny as it sounds, it’s the real circle of life.

I spend the remaining time on what I call my “Three to Thrive”: three things that I want to accomplish. I envision them as if they were already achieved and feel a sense of celebration and gratitude for them. Priming is an important gift to yourself—if you did it for ten days, you’d be hooked. (Here’s a link to get you started: www.tonyrobbins.com.) This simple practice is important because a lot of people say they’re grateful, but they don’t take time to be grateful. It’s so easy in life to lose track of the beauty and grace of what we already have! If we don’t consciously do something each day to plant the right seeds in our mind, then the “weeds of life”—frustration, anger, stress, loneliness—tend to creep in. You don’t have to plant weeds; they grow automatically. My teacher Jim Rohn taught me a simple principle: every day, stand guard at the door of your mind, and you alone decide what thoughts and beliefs you let into your life. For they will shape whether you feel rich or poor, cursed or blessed.

In the end, if we’re going to truly be happy, we have to get outside of ourselves.

The human mind is an amazing thing. It’s a survival mechanism, so it tends to look for what’s wrong, what to avoid, what to look out for. You may have evolved, but your brain is still a 2-million-year-old structure, and if you want to be fulfilled and happy, that’s not its first priority. You have to take control of it. And the fastest way to do that—besides priming—is to step into the highest of the 6 Human Needs, the two spiritual needs that fulfill human beings: Growth and Contribution.

The core reason that I believe we all have a desire to grow is because when we do, we have something to give. That’s where life has its deepest meaning. “Getting” might make you feel good for a moment, but nothing beats the nirvana of having something to give that you know deeply touches someone or something beyond yourself.

Everyone can be great, because everyone can serve.

—DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.

If it’s really true that giving is what makes us feel fully alive, then perhaps the ultimate test of this theory is what life is like for those willing to give their lives for something they believe in. One of my greatest heroes of the last century was civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. Recently his eldest son and namesake, Martin Luther King III, was in Fiji for my Date with Destiny event. I had the opportunity of sharing with him how much his dad inspired me because he lived his life on pure passion—he knew what he was made for. Even as a child, I remember hearing his words: “A man who has not found something he will die for is not fit to live.” Real wealth is unleashed in your life the moment you find something you care so deeply for you will give it your all—even your life, if necessary. This is the moment in which you will have truly escaped the tyranny of your own mind, your own fears, your own sense of limitation. A big order, I know. But I also know that most of us would give our lives for our children, our parents, or our spouses. Those who have found a mission that possesses them have discovered a wealth of energy and meaning that has no match.

THE WEALTH OF PASSION

You’ve probably heard of the Pakistani teenager Malala Yousafzai. She was shot in the head by Taliban terrorists because she had the audacity to insist that girls have the right to go to school. A bullet pierced her eye socket and bounced around her skull, nearly killing her. Miraculously it missed her brain. Malala survived her horrific injuries and has become an international activist for the empowerment of girls and women. The man who shot her remains free, and the Taliban still threatens to kill her. But she openly defies them. In a speech before the United Nations on her 16th birthday, Malala said she has no fear. “They thought that the bullet would silence us, but they failed. And out of this silence came thousands of voices. The terrorists thought that they would change my aim and stop my ambitions, but nothing changed in my life, except this: weakness, fear, and hopelessness died. Strength, fervor, and courage was born.” In an interview with Malala, CNN’s Christiane Amanpour asked the young woman if she feared for her life. Malala replied, “The thing is, they can kill me. They can only kill Malala. But it does not mean that they can kill my cause as well; my cause of education, my cause of peace, and my cause of human rights. My cause of equality will still be surviving . . . They only can shoot a body, but they cannot shoot my dreams.” This 16-year-old young woman has mastered those three decisions. She’s focused on what matters. She’s found a mission beyond herself that gives her life meaning. And her actions are fearless.

While we might not be called to put our lives on the line like Malala, we can all choose to live fearlessly, passionately, and with boundless gratitude. So let’s turn the page and finish our wealth-building journey together with the most important lesson of all: the final secret.