گوش بده

This is audible audible originals presents Take Control of Your Life How to Silence Fear and When the Mental Game created and narrated by Mel Robbins. That’s me. Hey, I’m Mel Robbins, and I’m really excited that I get to spend the next couple hours with you. And I’m excited for you because what you’re gonna learn in this book. It’s going to change your life for the better. Now, obviously, the title of the book is Take Control of Your Life.

So that immediately tells me something about you. It tells me that you want more, that you’re seeking not only inspiration and motivation for me and from this book, but there you’re looking for the how how do you take control of your life, particularly when we live in a moment of time where life feels so overwhelming.

If you’re feeling stressed about your health or finances or your personal safety or the relationships that you’re in or politics, you’re not alone. Anxiety has risen in all areas of life, according to a recent poll from the American Psychiatric Association. A majority of college students recently reported that they felt so overwhelmed that they couldn’t function. And baby boomers, which are people who are in their 60s and up, they’re experiencing the biggest jump in anxiety. If you type the word fear into a Google search, you’re going to come up with over 700 billion results.

And of the 20 million people I interact with every month online. I can’t help but notice a spike in how many people are using the words fear, anxiety, overwhelm to describe how you’re feeling. And that’s why it’s essential that you learn how to silence fear. If you want to take control of your life and that process all starts with the mental game. Now, this isn’t a book about thinking positive thoughts, because that’s not going to help you take control of your life.

This is a book that’s going to teach you how to win the mental game by silencing fear. There are areas of your life right now where fear is winning and you don’t even realize it. And that’s going to end right now. I’m going to teach you a method that you can use to silence, fear and take control of your life in small ways every single day. You know, it’s easy to talk about change, to make plans to change.

But the thing that you have to change before you can make anything happen is you’ve got to change how you think. And one of the reasons why I said that this isn’t just about positive thinking is because that’s not enough. It’s not enough because all day long, small things are happening in your life that trigger you to feel a moment of fear.

It happened so fast, you probably don’t even realize how often it’s happening.

And in these daily moments when you feel nervous or you feel afraid. You’ve trained yourself to do something. Every time you feel nervous or afraid, you do the exact same thing. And you’ve done it so often, it’s automatic and now it’s a habit.

This book is going to teach you how to spot those tiny moments when your nerves or when fear silences you or makes your run. And you’re going to learn a simple method that you can use to take control when it’s happening. It’s so important that you learn how to silence fear because it’s the only thing that’s stopping you from achieving your dreams and being the person you want to be. And right now, you may be winning in many areas of your life, and I’m sure you are, but you are losing the mental game.

That’s why you can drink all the kale smoothies and mainline self-help books and create the best morning routines and journal in your gratitude journal, but still feel stuck. You still feel stuck because you’re stuck in a pattern in your head that’s triggered by fear. And until you see this pattern and change it, nothing’s gonna change. See, that’s the secret to winning the mental game and being happier and more fulfilled, it lies in understanding how nerves and fear is currently triggering you to think and changing your response to it.

If you can change your response to situations that make you nervous or scare you, then you will change how you think you will win the mental game and you will take control of your life. Because the only thing that’s making your life feel out of control right now is that fear is triggering you. That’s it. And look, let’s be clear, there are very real forces that can make your life difficult. There’s bias, there are pay gaps and there is systemic racism and homophobia.

You may have faced trauma, tragedy or abuse in your past. These are raw and they are real and they present obstacles to achieving your goals. And there are always going to be outside forces that impact what’s happened to you and what is currently happening around you. There will be outside forces like Bias that impact other people’s initial opinion of you. Now you can do what you can to change those outside forces and you should, but you’re gonna be in a much better place to do that when you change and empower your personal mental game.

Because the immediate obstacle that you face, the one that’s in your full control, the one that you’ve got to focus on first, is how you respond to fear. So before we jump in, I want to take a step back and explain how this whole project about fear and taking control of your life came to be. I was really curious about this uptick in anxiety that I keep seeing and research and I see it in the news and I hear it in the book lines after I give speeches.

And I mentioned this earlier, but we see it in the e-mails that you’re sending us. So I wanted to write a book that would pull back the cover on fear, and it would really turn this big kind of scary concept of fear into something small and tangible and easy to understand and more importantly, simple to attack, because the word fear itself is so big that when you hear it or say it, it makes you start thinking in these big, overwhelming ways.

And when you start thinking in big, overwhelming ways about the things that you’re afraid of, it’s really hard to slow down and make small changes. Now, what you may not be aware of is that you’ve allowed fear to teach you to think in ways that keep you stuck and that undermines your courage. So to get started, I want you to think about an area of your life that you want to change. Obviously, when you select Take Control of Your Life is the book that you want to listen to.

There’s an area of your life that you want to take control of. So I want you to think about that for a minute. And now let’s start with this key question. When you think about that area of your life, what’s your biggest fear? Just allow yourself to think about it for a moment. What is the thing that you fear when you think about taking control of that area of your life? Because this is the same question that I asked when I started doing research for this book.

In order to teach you how to silence fear. I wanted to first understand what you’re afraid of. So I went and I asked the question on social media, what is your biggest fear? And more than 3000 of you answered. And here’s what you had to say. My biggest fear is that something bad will happen and screw my life. My biggest fear is probably putting myself out there. My biggest fear is I will never again have emulation check with my mother.

My biggest fear is really being like my dad and becoming like him. And I don’t want that.

My biggest fear is that I’m not going to find my passion and live a fulfilling life. Now, as you listen to that montage of people from around the world sharing what their biggest fear is. Did you hear the one that you have? Dying without fulfilling your purpose. Being afraid of confrontation. Being afraid that you’re gonna stay stuck in a job or relationship. And one of the interesting things about hearing from 3000 people is that there were some very consistent themes that emerged.

So we decided to dig even deeper because once we heard what you were afraid of. We wanted to know how is fear holding you back? So we got on the phone and started talking to people that responded in order to figure it out. And as we were talking to you, I started to notice a very big difference between what you are afraid of vs. what fear causes you to do. See, it’s critical to identify what exactly fear causes you to do, because the way that fear silences you or makes you run may be different than the way that fear silences me.

And that’s one of the key insights that you’re going to gain from listening to this book. There is a pattern there and you got to see it if you want to take control of your life. In my research, I discovered that fear silences everyone in small ways. All day long, and everyone has a very different way to describe how exactly fear silences them.

Just take a listen. This fear makes me really anxious and stressed about finances.

My fear is holding me back because I want to create a business and I’m realizing how much I’ve avoiding. I’m realizing how small I’ve made my world.

It’s holding me back because I struggle every holiday, every Christmas, every Mother’s Day.

It’s preventing me from achieving the firefight I want in my family life.

And I think this fear is holding me back because, you know, I feel like I’ve tried so many different things and I’m just not getting over the hump to being successful like I want to be. So as I was doing this research, it just became so fascinating to me how fear is woven into our day to day lives in the subtle ways in which it is triggering you to hold yourself back, to silence yourself, to overthink, to run away from things.

And after having all of these conversations and digging into the latest research on fear and human behavior, I discovered something game changing about the nature of fear itself. Even though we all have different ways in which we silence ourselves. And even though we all describe our fears differently, it all comes down to just one thing. Control. The connection between fear and control is on mistake bable. You feel nervous or afraid at any moment when you sense you’re about to lose control.

That’s it. Thinking about losing control makes you nervous or afraid, moments where you could lose control. Makes you nervous or afraid. That’s it. That’s the reason that we called this book Take Control of Your Life, because it all comes down to control and our innate desire to have it in our lives.

When you have a sense of control of your life, you feel safe, you feel secure, you know where you’re going and you know what you can expect. Studies actually show that you’re in better health and that you’re at a reduced risk for a heart attack when you have that sense of control. Psychologists write about a concept called the locus of control, and they describe how people can feel like the locus of control is internal or external. And if you have an internal locus of control, you believe that you have control over your outcomes and over your own success.

And when you believe that you have that control, you’re more likely to succeed.

You’re more likely to be happier. We love being in control. And in order to take control of your life, you’re gonna need to start by looking at your fears and how you respond to them. Because there is a connection between your desire for control and how fear triggers you. And that’s where the irony comes in, because it’s your desire to keep control. That is actually screwing things up. You see, you taught yourself to be silent or to run away from situations or people that scare you.

We all did. And every single day in your life right now, there are situations or people that make you feel nervous or afraid. Maybe it’s your boss. Maybe it’s your parents. Maybe it’s a teacher. Maybe it’s a friend. Maybe it’s a colleague. Maybe it’s somebody you’re dating. Which means every single day you’re still silencing yourself and running away from things that make you nervous or afraid. And if you continue to stay silent or run away from them, you will never take control of your life.

Now, as I said before, you can make your kale smoothies and wake up early and look at your vision boards and do all the things that you, quote, should do to help you get control of your life. But when push comes to shove, they’re always gonna be moments every day that trigger you to feel nervous or afraid. That’s what this book is about. It’s about those moments when you feel nervous or afraid because you got to win the mental game in those moments.

And it doesn’t matter in that moment how much kale is in your system when you feel nervous or afraid. The only thing that’s going to matter is how much courage is in your veins. And now when you feel nervous, uncertain or afraid, you know what you do. You stay silent or you run and running or being silent may make you feel like you’re in control. But you aren’t. Wherever you are silent in your life and wherever you’re running away from someone or something.

Fear is winning. You’re going to learn that you started doing this pattern of being silent or running as a kid in order to survive scary or nerve wracking situations or environments. There’s no doubt there were moments that happened to you when you were a kid that scared you, that made you nervous, that made you doubt yourself. That made you feel called out.

Some of them maybe were traumatic and some of them might have just been moments where they were kind of everyday things.

But you felt a loss of control. You felt singled out. You couldn’t control your mother’s reactions to the things you did. You couldn’t control the tension in the household you grew up in. You couldn’t control the mood. Dad was going to be in when he walked in the door. He couldn’t control whether or not you got cut from the team. He couldn’t control whether or not your parents got divorced. And moments where you lose control, they’re scary.

So you developed ways to cope. That’s what happened. But in order to get control of your life, now that you’re an adult, you’re going to have to figure out what is the thing that I do every time I feel afraid.

Maybe you learned to shut up so you wouldn’t get yelled at at home. Maybe you became the class clown so people wouldn’t notice that you were different. Maybe you tried to be perfect so that your parents wouldn’t get upset. Maybe you learn not to raise your hand in class so you wouldn’t be embarrassed. And this pattern, I guarantee you, it still exists in your life today. Every time you feel nervous or afraid, you do the exact same thing you used to do as a kid.

And it’s become so automatic that it’s now a habit. But the problem is, if you shut up every day of your 10 year marriage, your relationship is going to be miserable or you’re going to cause it to end if you hide from your boss. You’ll never reach your potential at work if you protect yourself from failure by never trying. You can’t achieve your dreams. That’s the irony. When you were little, you develop these strategies as a way to feel in control anytime there was a situation that made you nervous or afraid.

And now these same strategies are spinning your adult life out of control. If you’re a perfectionist, if you’re somebody who’s super busy all the time but can’t get anything done, if you’re paralyzed by the fear of failing or if you jump from one dysfunctional marriage to another. Or if you have a problem with stuff, you hold on to it. You’re obsessed with accumulating things or if you’ve gotten addicted to drama and it’s always been in your life.

Well, that tells me that you’ve got a habit that you keep coming back to.

There’s a pattern there that you don’t see. And by the time you’re done listening to this book, boy, oh, boy, you’re not only going to see it, you’re going to have broken it and you’re going have replaced it with something powerful. That pattern you’re going gonna learn is related to how you deal with moments where you feel yourself losing control and that pattern. It’s wreaking havoc on your happiness, on your life and on your success. But there’s good news.

Lots of good news. First of all, you’re listening to this book and I’m going to teach you something really awesome. Once you see this pattern, you have the power to change it. And if you change your response to the things that make you nervous or afraid, he get control of your life, period. I want to share an example of how this is played out in my life to start to get you thinking about your own patterns for a long time.

Whenever I felt nervous or afraid I would run, I would do crazy things and freak out in order to give myself this sense of false control. And I can trace it all the way back to this incident that happened when I was in fourth grade. So I grew up in western Michigan and we moved to this small town, North Muskegon, Michigan, when I was in the fourth grade, and there’s a ton that you do in the water because there are lakes everywhere.

And this was the first time that I’d ever truly been around water. I had how to swim, but I was not a swimmer. You know what I mean? So this tiny little town that I moved to had a beach and it was called Bear Lake Beach, and they had swimming lessons. And my parents forced me to take the swimming lessons the summer that we moved there. They thought that not only was it a smart safety thing, given that we were surrounded by lakes, but they also thought that I might meet a bunch of kids.

So the combination of the swimming lessons at the end of the summer was that you had to pass what they called the red dock test. That meant you had to swim out around a floating red dock. And I remember as that swim test date approached, my feelings of nerves and uncertainty started to grow.

Obviously, I could swim around the dock, but it didn’t matter. The test made me feel like I was going to be put in a situation where I was going to lose control. That made me nervous as the day approached. I felt more and more afraid. And I became more and more uncertain. I got to that morning and I’ll never forget it. I was standing on the shore and my little one piece suit and I started convincing myself, I’m not going to make it.

I’m not going to make it. I’m not going to make it. By the time I got into the water with the rest of the kids. I’d started crying and we were waiting out. The other kids started to swim. And I was walking because I was going to walk as far as I could. And I got to about chest deep. And mind you, I could stand, but I started flailing around as if I was going to drowned.

And then something amazing happened. As I was panicking, trying to run away from the thing that scared me, which was swimming, trying to swim around that dock, the lifeguards came in. They rescued me. They calmed me down. They told me I could do it. They coached me. They swam by my side. They kept me going forward around the dock until I made it. They were within arm’s reach. My panic gave me control.

And in that moment, as a fourth grader, I began a pattern that would stick with me for decades. I learned that in order to get control of a situation that makes you nervous or scares you, just panic. Just have a fit. Gister cry, just run away from the thing that you need to do in such a dramatic fashion that people come rushing in and assure you and the other people help you get control. And my whole life, I can define almost every moment based on whether or not I felt like I was in control of the situation.

When I felt out of control, I would panic and I would freak out. And my parents would reassure me or my boyfriend would reassure me or I would scramble. And in my panic, I would run away from the thing I didn’t want to deal with and I would stumble into the next thing. For example, after college, I enrolled at Vermont Law School, and when I got there, that nervous feeling in my body started to happen. I felt uncomfortable.

I started panicking and I convinced myself in about an hour flat a being on campus, that I had made the wrong decision. So on the first day of classes, instead of going to class, I had a panic attack. I ran. I actually withdrew. And I packed up a U-Haul and I drove to Boston. Runaway. Runaway, runaway. Panic, panic. Panic.

That was a pattern that defined me for a very long time. Over and over again. And now, of course, I have an 18 year old daughter who does the exact same things. I’m seeing it in my face and having to coach her through breaking the pattern. And the interesting thing about patterns is that we use them because they work.

My daughter panics because when she panics, I come rushing in to fix things. I used panic and running away for a long time because it worked. Until it didn’t. I finally got to a point where I’d been running for so long that I was stuck in that pattern. It wasn’t until I realized that I always reacted to nerves and fear with panic that I was able to change the pattern. I was able to interrupt this fake sense of control and actually take real control in my life.

And in this book, that’s what I’m going to teach you. Right now, there’s an area of your life that’s not working for you. Just like running and panicking wasn’t working for me. And in any area of your life that’s not working where you’re unsatisfied. Fear is winning. And you can either let the uncertainty and the fear around the thing that you’re facing trigger your old patterns, or you can learn how to take control of your life and how to move forward in a way that actually gets you what you want.

So how do you move forward? There’s a simple three step method you’re going to master that will give you control and help you change the area of your life where your struggling. First, you must identify what you’re scared of. Second, you’ve got to see the unique way in which you silence yourself, Arun, whenever you feel nervous or afraid, because every time you feel nervous or afraid, you do the exact same thing just like I did. And it’s become so automatic that it’s now a pattern, just like I had a pattern.

And that’s good news, because once you see this pattern, you will be able to change it. And if you change your response to fear, you will get control of your life. Real control. In order to teach you this method, I’m going to utilize the most powerful tool that human beings learn from. And that’s the power of stories. You’re going to listen to the stories of six people who want to take control of an aspect of their life.

And as you listen, you’re going to hear them describe these moments that arise every single day in life that make you feel nervous or afraid. You’re going to hear them discover the way that fear triggers them to silence themselves or run. You’re going to learn how fear is felt in the body before you even think about fear in your mind.

You’re going to master the ability to read the fear signals in your own body, and you’re going to learn how to silence it before it triggers you to run or hide. And in listening to the insights and breakthroughs that all six men and women have, you will be empowered and inspired to make changes happen in your own life. You see each of these six people, they’re struggling with a fear of losing control in very different ways. But every single one of their issues comes back to the same thing.

And it’s the same thing that you struggle with. It’s the same thing that I struggle with. Every time you feel nervous or afraid, you have a pattern. And that pattern may have served a purpose in the past, but now it’s keeping you stuck. That’s it. And the solution, it’s the same three step method for each and every one of us. Once you see this pattern, you then will have the power to change it. And if you change your response to fear, you’re going to get control of your life.

Now, before you meet these six amazing people and we jump into all the really remarkable tools that you’re going to learn and use in your life, I want to say a few important things.

The first thing is that this is not an audio book that you should be listening to while you’re driving the morning school carpool or the afternoon one, for that matter, because you’re going to be listening to adults talking about adult issues. You’re going to hear profound insights from real people, which is why they’ll be a few swearwords. It’s not very profane at all. There’s not too many, but enough that you wouldn’t want your young kids listening in. And on top of the language, there are also a number of adult themes in this book, including mentions of physical and emotional abuse.

And in those cases, I will absolutely provide you with a trigger warning. But I don’t want you to be caught flat footed with kids in the car as you’re listening to subject matter that they probably shouldn’t be listening to. I also want you to know that we’ve got something super cool for you as a companion to this audiobook. I’ve created an exclusive workbook that’s totally free just for you. And the workbook is designed to help you get the most out of this audio book experience and to guide you through creating deeper breakthroughs and changes in your own life.

So how do you download it? It’s super simple. Just go to my Web site. Mel Robbins, ARCOM. And you’re gonna go to the specific you are out. Mel Robbins, dot com slash take control. That’s Mel Robbins, dot com slash take control. Now, this companion guide is set up so that you can either follow along with each chapter in the workbook as you listen or you can binge listen to the entire audio book and then go and dive into the workbook.

It’s summarizes every coaching session. It has exercises that go beyond what I talk about in this recording. And it’s all designed to help you take everything that you’re learning from this audiobook experience and take control of your life in an even more profound way. First, Yomi Dan. Now Dan feels out of control because he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life next. He has no idea what the next chapter should be when he retires from teaching.

He’s scared he’s not going to, quote, figure it all out. So he’s so busy spinning his wheels and staying constantly busy. But he’s stock. And here’s what his biggest fear is.

I’m here to talk about my biggest fear, my biggest fears, regret, regret in regards to not being able to fulfill the things that I want to fulfill in life.

I would hate to go on 30 or 40 years and look back when I’m 60 or 70 instead and try this. I didn’t do this. I wish I did my feet into this. Next, you’re going to meet Heather. Now, Heather is very successful in her career, but she’s so paralyzed by the fear of failure that she doesn’t even try to work on her dreams. Let’s hear from her. My biggest fear is waking up one day and realizing that I wasted my life not doing the things that I really wanted to do.

It’s impacting my life and that I kind of do things half ass. I only do things that I feel like I can succeed at. And as a result, I feel like I’m not living up to my potential and I feel like I’m only half living. Then we’ll move on to Rosa, whose life has become so overwhelming that she is controlling the only things that she can, and that’s the physical stuff in her house.

Here’s what she told me.

My biggest fear is that what I see around me is actually who I really am. And it’s actually driving me crazy. I’m struggling with I’m going to call it declaring my physical environment at home. Which I think is a reflection of an internal issue that I haven’t been able to break through. Then you’re going to be Casey. Now, Casey is a very successful real estate agent, but he’s terrified of being judged and called out for his past.

This is what Casey had to say. My biggest fear is surrounded by success, so growing up my whole life. People don’t expect much from me. They didn’t think I would succeed at a high level. I’ve been able to do a lot of things that people didn’t expect from me. So one of my biggest fears is keeping that momentum and not allowing people’s thoughts and expectations of me to come true. Amy, up next now. Amy is so afraid of any kind of conflict or confrontation.

She stays silent, which is holding her back in major ways. Here’s what she had to say. My greatest fear is never really realizing who I truly am.

I feel like I’ve been a chameleon most of my life. I mold into my environment to the people that I’m around, the atmosphere that I’m around. I take that all in.

And as I get older, I’m losing time to be able to realize who I am, what’s truly my thoughts, my own feelings, my beliefs. And finally, you’ll meet Cassandra. She fears being abandoned, which means she pushes people away from her, including her fiancee.

My biggest fear is that I don’t know how to have a functional, committed relationship with a man. And so I just keep kicking him out of my lives.

And now I’ve got a really great one that I would really love to hold on to. And I find myself redoing the whole pattern, like I can see it happening now.

Now, before I dive in, I have instructions on how I want you to listen. I want you to be thinking about your own life. I want you to listen to these six coaching sessions and the detailed takeaways that I unpack very deliberately. Here’s how you’re going to do that. First, pick an area of your life where you feel stuck or unsatisfied. And use this audio book and the companion workbook to teach you and inspire you to take control.

All right. Let’s get started. Let’s start with one of the biggest fears you may have. It’s about your life and whether or not you figure out what to do with it. To start, let’s do a little exercise together. Imagine you’re near the end of your life. You’re no longer working. Your family is grown and moved out of the house. Your body slowing down. You’re sitting on a porch and you’re staring off into the distance. Maybe you’re looking at some mountains or an ocean or a lake and you’re reflecting back on your life.

What do you say? Did you make an impact? Did you pursue your dreams? Did you experience the magic of love? Did you live a life that mattered to you? I mean, that’s ultimately the question we all struggled to answer, right? Is there more to my life than what I’m doing in this moment? And if so, what is it? I’m asking you to think about this because feeling off track or stuck or being worried that you don’t know what your passion is or what you should do with your life.

It’s one of the most universal feelings in the world. And another reason why I want you to think about this is because regret is what you feel when you don’t get control of your life and start doing things that matter to you. And I’m not going to allow you to do that. I’m not going to allow you to live with regret. I’m not going to allow you to stay stuck because there’s good news.

There are simple things you can do starting today to figure out what to do with your life. So if you feel lost, when you think about your current life and the direction you’re headed in and it’s starting to make you feel nervous or anxious, first of all, you’re not alone. Second, this session is going to help you figure it out. It’s going to highlight the mistake that you’re making right now. And most importantly, it’s going to give you simple tools that you can start using today to figure out how to get off the track you’re on.

Make small, passionate pivots and start taking your life in the direction of your dreams. Because when you say to me, you know, now I don’t know what my passion is, what you’re really saying is I don’t know what to do with my life. And that scares me. It’s easy to talk about passion and purpose because it sounds nice. But what you’re really struggling with is fear. The fear that you’ll never get control of your life and do something with it that makes you really proud.

Now, I know I’ve felt that way at times in my life. I can remember when Chris and I moved to Boston so he could go to business school and I went from being a criminal defense attorney in New York City, trying cases in court all day to moving here to Boston and sitting on a couch for six months while I looked for a job. And then finally, I ended up working in a large law firm, sitting in an office, doing a ton of writing.

I hated my job. I hated every aspect of my day. I hated the commute. I hated sitting in an office. I hated what my job entailed, which was research and case law and writing briefs all day. I felt so lost. It was like I was trapped in my own life and my life was slowly spinning off course and I felt like I was losing control. Which is weird to say, because it’s not like I was physically out of control.

I mean, I had a work day routine. I had a paycheck. I had a track that I was on. But it was the wrong track. How did I know it was wrong? It was wrong because I knew if I stayed in that job, I knew what my life would look like 10, 15, even 20 years down the road. And I didn’t like what I saw. I wasn’t inspired by what I saw. I didn’t want the daily commute, the amount of writing and what it felt like to me was a very tedious grind all day long.

You know, every moment I sat in that office, I felt one wanted two things, either felt dread or I was on edge. And the reason I felt those things is because my life was heading in the wrong direction and my body was trying to tell me. That’s why we’re going to talk about following the fear and the signals in your body. Now, I didn’t know how to change it. And maybe that’s what made me afraid. Have you ever driven down the highway and you sort of zoned out and you miss an exit and then all of a sudden you look up and you don’t know if you’re five or 10 or 20 miles down the road in the wrong direction?

That’s what I felt like every single day that I was driving further and further and further away from the exit that I was supposed to catch.

Now, you may feel this way about the relationship that you’re in right now or the career track that you’re on, having control over the direction of your life. It is so important.

It’s important because it helps you be happy as an individual. It helps you be more confident. It helps you with every aspect of your life. Now, I knew I wanted a different future, just like maybe, you know, you want a different future. I wanted to be doing something very different with my life. And I wanted my days to feel different.

I just had no idea what the heck to do. And the fact that I didn’t know the answer. That just made me scared. And it kept me spinning in place. Now, I can think of another time I felt that way. It was in my 20s, I was in a relationship and I felt really stuck.

I knew that I didn’t want to marry this guy. I knew that it was the wrong relationship for me. But for whatever reason, I was so scared to speak up, to break up. And so what did I do? Because I was afraid. I just kept thinking. I just kept thinking. I just kept thinking about breaking up. And I never spoke up about it. Nick got more and more toxic until finally it just blew up.

And I can think of another time where I felt like my life was off track. I was in college and during the summers I would come home to western Michigan and work in my small town. And I just felt so confused about what to do with my life. I felt so far away from the things that interested me. I wanted to grow. I wanted to do something meaningful with my life. But I just had no clue what that could be.

And, you know, sometimes the world just feels so big and you feel so small. Come to think of it, we have a 19 year old daughter right now who’s a sophomore in college, and I can see her fear about the future kicking in. I was talking to her the other day and she’s panicked about what major topic and you know, why she’s panicked because she doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life. And in order to quiet that bigger fear, she’s trying to take control in the moment.

I totally get it. I know the thinking. If you just pick the right major, if you just get the right job, if you just find the right person, then you’re going to gain control. But it’s a hard lesson. It’s easy to tell my 19 year old daughter there’s no right. Major, honey, I’m sorry. Please don’t be a lawyer because I was one. That’s not going to make you happy. There’s nothing you can pick that’s going to give you control.

The best thing that you can do is study a subject that you’re interested in. Not the one that gives you a false sense of control, because it’s what you think you should do, because all your friends are going into banking or all your friends are studying marketing.

You’ve got to pick the one that makes you light up because you enjoy the subject. We’re going to talk a lot about how we get focused on trying to do the right thing because it gives us a false sense of control and whether or not you’re struggling to pick a major. Or you’re trying to figure out what your passion is or you’re in a relationship that’s off track or you’re in a career that’s off track, not knowing what you want to do with your life or not knowing how to get your life back on track.

It’s a terrible feeling. You feel overwhelmed, confused, and if you’re anything like me, utterly lost on how to figure it out. And you know, the other thing that happens is whether you like it or not, time is passing and it’s moving forward with or without you, and that triggers even more fear. And that’s what this first coaching session is about. It’s truly about how to get control of your life when you have no idea what you want to do with it.

And the good news is, like I already told you, there’s things you can do starting today to figure it out. And instead of getting caught up in an existential crisis about your passion and the meaning of life and regret and all these big themes you’re going to see by the end of this chapter that it’s fairly simple to take control of the direction of your life and start moving forward with small, passionate pivots. It’s doable. And you can start taking the steps today as soon as you finish listening to this chapter.

Now, this first coaching session is going to inspire you to think about living with passion and discovering the meaning of your life and a whole new way. And at the end, I’m going to spend a lot of time deliberately unpacking every single takeaway from this session. And boy, is it packed with a lot of stuff that you’re going to find valuable and interesting and game changing. So you’re going to leave with very specific steps that you can put in action to take control of the direction of your life.

And if you’re struggling with figuring out what your passion is or what you should do with your life, I’m even going to give you specific steps about how you can figure that out. And the other thing I want to remind you is if you haven’t already. Don’t forget to download the free workbook at Mel Robbins dot com slash take control so you can follow along with the breakthrough workbook exercises. The workbook is an important companion to this. And the reason why is because I know you may be listening to this as your commute.

And there’s a lot of takeaways that you may want to write down. So we’ve made it really easy for you.

They’re all included in recaps in the workbook, along with research exercises and even some additional tools that you can use in order to make the breakthroughs last longer and be more effective.

And the other reason why we’ve put it in a workbook is because, frankly, a lot of the advice is kind of boring to listen to. So I wanted to be sure that we keep your attention. I keep you entertained. I keep you inspired. And when you go back into your life and you start doing the actual work to change that, you’ve got something that you can refer back to that helps you make meaningful progress. Now, let’s jump into this coaching session.

I know you’re going to relate to the person you’re about to meet because he’s a great guy. He’s a super passionate physical education teacher. And on the outside, this guy has it all. He loves his job. He loves his wife. He loves his two kids. Yet there’s something missing. He can’t help but feel scared. And the reason why is he knows he wants more. Just like, you know, you want more from your life.

But he doesn’t know what it means. He doesn’t know what to do with his life when he’s done teaching. And that feeling is scary.

He’s busy. He feels like he’s busy spinning his wheels.

He feels like he doesn’t have control over his future and the impact he’ll make or the legacy that he’ll leave and ultimately what his life means. And that’s terrifying. My name is Dan. I’m from Jersey. I am married to my wife, Lindsay. I have two daughters. My oldest daughter is three years old and my youngest is 10 weeks old. I am a health and physical education teacher.

So why why are you here? I’m here to talk about my biggest fear, my biggest fears, regret, regret in regards to not being able to fulfill the things that I want to fulfill in life.

I would hate to go on 30 or 40 years and look back when I’m 60 or 70 and say, I didn’t try this, I didn’t do this.

I wish I did my feet into this.

I’m 36. OK. And when I was 26, I said, I don’t have time. I have time. I have time. Now I’m 36. And that gap from 26 to 36 isn’t that doesn’t seem like it was that far. I don’t want to be 66 or 76 saying I wish I did this. I wish I did that. I should have done this. Why didn’t I do that?

I’ve been teaching for 15 years. And I said, you know what? I like teaching. There’s still some more out there. There’s still stuff I want to do. I just don’t know how to do it. I don’t know where to start. And it’s scary. And I do a lot of things. Everything else.

Boom, boom, boom. All throughout the day, I’m doing things, doing things and accomplishing things, trying things. But this is just that portion is tough for me.

So when did this start?

I said last five years when I have, let’s say, 30. What happened? Something must happen that had you go, shit. I watch these people and I, I’m not judging, but I watch them and they’re they’re just floating or complaining or dealing. Coping and not doing. And I said, I’m tired of it. I don’t want to be that because you don’t know a year later you might not be around. I always have that thought in my head.

You got to do it now or else you don’t know when you last. Yes.

I think you’ve had this for five years. And you wake up every day and you go, you gotta do this now. You never know idea when your last day is and you’re not doing anything.

I guess I’m procrastinating. My ultimate goal. You’re stressed.

I’m always stressed. I mean, I think it’s just daily stresses. Yeah. Average stress. Nothing where it’s an anxiety disorder or anything like that.

It’s just that you’re always thinking, I was doing it. My mind was going. I feel like I’ve 10 conversations that I had going on at the same time. My wife laughs at me. I’ll start doing the dishes, I’ll start brushing my teeth, I’ll start writing a paper, I’ll start writing an email. I’ll start constructing something at all the same time, because these are where my thoughts are constantly.

Just say, you know what? This is Chris’s experience of me. It’s funny because all of it will get done in an hour, but I’m just boom, boom, gotta do this. I thought of this. I have it all under control and I feel like that’s how my life is. I want to complete an Iron Man. I have my thought there. I want to do a couple initiatives with teaching. I want to do X, Y and Z.

But then that second side passion project is very tough to embed myself with.

I did take a step forward this summer. I like wine. I want to do something. The wine world.

And I took some classes in New York. It was doable and there wasn’t a big commit. Did you feel doing it great?

Why?

Because I was learning it was new. The experience was new. There was a lot that I did not know. And every time that class came around, I couldn’t wait to go back. I couldn’t wait to go there, learn, taste, talk, ask questions. But now it’s kind of over. And I don’t know what what I think I just had it inside. I think a lot of people get into teaching because they love learning, and that’s what draws you to do it.

And making a difference. And the truth about teaching is that a lot of it becomes the same stuff over and over again. And so you’re not growing and learning when you’re doing it. And the thing about wine and what was interesting in watching you talk about that class, I get that you love wine, but I think what you’re really tapping into is that you’re frustrated because you don’t feel like you’re growing. You’re in a mode of life where you probably show up and give 100 percent.

But you’re not building towards anything. You’re not growing. You’re not learning something new. You’re in a stage of life with kids where it’s a lot of being in the trenches and getting the daily routine done. And one of the things that is interesting about you is that I think you’re the kind of person that thrives on growth and thrives on experiences that test you, that are different, that aren’t the same every day. Isn’t that how we’re wired? I think so.

Talk about your childhood, my childhood was good. They were always supportive. My parents, are they still together? They are not. When they get together. They got divorced about two years ago. Really? Two years ago? Yes.

How did that impact you as we grew older? You can see that it was just going through the motions and then enough was enough. They couldn’t tolerate it anymore. It was harder for them to tell us, you know, this is actually happening. And then me being the oldest, they come to me, Dan, tell to, you know, this is on the forefront. Kind of be the psychologist for you here. Your brother and sister here.

And you upset, though, a little bit. What upsets you about it? It’s OK. You think? That’s what it’s always supposed to be. It’s not easy. No, no. Yeah. Now they’re happier. We’re happier, I’m sure. I think when you go through something like that. You know, it all makes sense intellectually, but I think it impacted you at a much deeper level than you realize. There’s an urgency about you that is not rooted in the desire to do something bigger.

It’s in the fear that you’re not. And the fear that things are not going to always be this good. And so you’re super busy. And I can relate to your energy and your business. And, you know, like, doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.

And I just move fast enough. I’ll figure it out and I’ll I’ll get it all done. And, you know, God knows I want everyone to be happy because I don’t want to ever be in a situation again like I was with my parents.

And there’s a busyness that’s driven out of fear. Vs. a busyness that is driven based on your dreams and your commitment. And this assuredness. Does that make sense?

That makes complete sense. Yes. It’s interesting that you said I don’t have anxiety. Anxiety is a physical state where your body is agitated and your thoughts are agitated because you’re facing uncertainty. And it can be a clinical condition. It can be a generalized state where you’re on edge all day long.

But that’s not what you’re dealing with, Dan. You’re dealing with feeling out of control about your future, which makes you feel afraid in the moment. Right.

I think what it’s triggering you to do is to ruminate and think about the meaning of your life. And because you don’t have quote the answer yet, it puts you into a tailspin in your day to day life.

You write like I’m looking for the perfect answer. I’m looking for everything to be squared away, which will never happen. Right. But I’m waiting for it. Yeah. And I know that’s wrong now. And it’s it’s it’s hard to to just say, hey, mistakes are going to happen when you make this decision. Just deal with it, OK?

So what I really want you to get out of our conversation is I want you to get mastery over the shit that’s triggering you, because fixing this is easy. It really is. It’s so easy to listen to me coach you around what you should do with your life, because it’s just the obvious steps. Number one, I’ll tell you right now. Number one, we need to settle your fears that everything’s on the line and oh, my God, I can’t make a mistake.

And holy shit, you know, I, I, I got two kids now and I’ve got a wife and I got a mortgage and I got this and I got that and I got to be responsible. And Anello out of Iran, I saw I have my Paramaribo, I buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy.

You inflate the demands and responsibilities of your life to such a massive scale that it paralyzes you from taking any kind of meaningful steps forward. That’s the key.

Meaningful steps forward. I think I took a step forward doing the wine class. Exactly. And that is a meaningful step.

And number two, you need to make a plan to pursue your dream in a way that is financially responsible because you do have obligations and you do need to figure out what’s the minimum I can make every month in order to be responsible to my obligations.

And that’s math. That’s easy to do. And then once you have that number, you can ask yourself, is there any way to scale this number down in order to give myself a longer runway to try to go after my dreams?

Like, how does this all work? Right. That’s all math. And you’re capable of making that calculation. You’re capable of having those conversations with your wife.

That’s that’s right. OK.

Now, the third piece is the bigger piece, which is the fact that you’re in a state of constantly doubting and questioning.

But it’s that fear that you’re not going to figure it out. That fear that’s in that category that’s keeping you from being able to plan a pivot of some sort. See, I want you to think about your life like Lego blocks. OK? So right now, you’ve got a block for being a teacher. You’ve got a block for your wife, block for each daughter. You’ve got a block for your extended family. Now, I want you to think about what else you want to add on to that.

So a lot of us make the mistake of thinking, OK, it’s got to be one job. It’s got to be one career. It’s got to be a career from this into a career of that. And if you break it down a little bit and you think about this in smaller chunks, because what fear does is fear makes you think about the big themes. Oh, my God, my whole life. Is my life gonna amount to anything?

Well, you know, I have to fucking worry about that right now. Well, we have to worry about is this year in this year. What are you going to add to your life that gives meaning? What are you going to subtract from your life that gives it meaning? And it may start with a wine class, which you’ve already done. And that’s terrific, because with two small kids and a full time job and a bunch of other stuff going on, it’s hard to carve out that time for yourself.

But what happens when you do is you put a little nick in that fear that normally paralyzes you with the questioning and something expands inside you because you see yourself growing. You see yourself adding a small block. Does that make sense? That makes sense.

I’m looking at the end result. I’m looking at. I want to get here now. I want to do this now.

Fear is making you think too big. And that’s what it does for a lot of people. You’re thinking and such broad strokes about the totality of your life and it’s normal.

That’s my next question. Is that typical?

Yes, because we are going to die. You’re right. You’re absolutely right. You and I, we could get cancer. One of us could not be here next year. Anything could happen. It’s out of your control. Totally out of your control. That scares the shit out of you. I can tell I’m finding more and more that the control is a factor to becoming a dad. Intensify this. Yes, because I want to be around for a very long time to see that.

Absolutely. Absolutely. It was funny because just me, my wife, without kids, you’re gonna.

Still not thinking about that. And now you want to see your kids grow up, get married. It’s so normal to have that fear because when you become a parent, you become so present to your own mortality. And how long you’re going to be here is the one thing that is ultimately out of your control. You don’t get to choose if you get hit by a bus or not. You don’t get to choose whether or not you’re going to get, you know, some disease like a unless you don’t get to choose those things.

And so I think what your feeling has intensified since you have kids, because it reminds you of all the things that are coming.

I never thought of that. And it’s true. It’s so true. The kid factor, as great as it is, maybe it’s subconsciously with a couple other things like we’re unveiling here, are causing my rush to to do.

And there’s an intensity. And the thing that I think you’d benefit from is slowing down.

Help me slow down. Yeah. You get the leash. You help me slow down.

I’m up like, oh, my God, I’m up. I’m ready to go. I feel so accomplished by 7:00 a.m..

Get out of bed and rev up and do your day. But you’ve got to find ways to dial down the intensity and to be present because the intensity of wanting to wring out everything from life is driven by the fear that you’re not going to. And the irony is, and what I’m worried about for you is not what happens at 46 because 46, you’re still a frickin puppy for crying out loud. You still have decades to go. I could come in here and give you a long list of people who didn’t do their first until they were in their 50s for crying out loud.

And so you have so much time and it doesn’t feel like it because you’re racing through every single day and you’re on edge because of this fear that you’re not where you’re supposed to be. And the interesting thing is that the only place you’re supposed to be right now is in your fucking life every single day. And the only way that you’re going to pivot is if we start to think about how to add these small Lego blocks one at a time, but that you develop this ability to still be present, to be satisfied with where you’re at.

But intentionally pivoting towards something else, we can remove the intensity because it’s the intensity and the worrying and the agita about figuring it out. That is making you now present. It’s causing you distress in terms of thinking all the time and being wound up about it. And if we were to settle that energy and allow you to recognize when, oh, here comes that fear again that I’m 36 years old and what about forty six and. Oh my God.

Oh my God. And it’s not happening fast enough. And what if I don’t figure it out. And what if I’m fifty six and what if I’m sixty six. And what if I’m walking my daughter down the aisle and I’m still teaching pe. I’m gonna be pissed off at myself like is it, am I in your head right now. Yes. When you mentioned the triggers. Yeah. Where do I start? We start in your body because there’s so much research and for you because it’s more existential, like you didn’t have trauma that’s getting triggered.

Not that I know of. For a lot of people with fear. There was something acute that happened. Super abusive parent. Right. So that any time, you know, a dad came home from work and started getting plowed. If you hear the beer can open. It’s wired in your body. I don’t get that about you. I think what’s happened for you is you’re a guy who has a great life and you’re torturing yourself because you don’t think it’s enough.

That’s fair. That’s fair. And the real mastery for you is to figure out how to be satisfied. With where you’re at and in action and proud of the things you’re doing to pivot and to do new things too, it’s not an either or. See, that’s the other pressure that I think you’re putting on yourself. Either I’m doing P.E. or I’m doing this new thing that could blow up in my face and then I. What do I do?

Because I’ve lost the house and I like there’s that energy about you. And I used to have that energy. And it’s driven by fear. And so let’s start with what happens in your body. So there’s a difference between days where you’re happy, satisfied and present and days where you’re subconsciously driven by this fear that you’re not going to figure it out. So when I start my day off, right. And I get stuff that I feel like I have to do because I want to do it.

And I can get that done. I feel good.

I’m ready to go. I feel great. My lessons are better.

I’m interacting with kids better when I feel like I’m behind. I’m consumed with I feel bad that I didn’t get it done. How am I going to make it up later on in the day?

Whether it’s exercise, I feel like in your body. Where’s the stress?

It’s you know, people mention I’m not, you know. Whereas it’s right right here. So it’s in your chest and your heart.

It’s not heart attack type, but it’s just like butterfly. But not a good butterfly.

Yeah, well, you’re except like I was it was our first time as a kid. You remember feeling that. Well, I remember back in the day was being a good student, I always put pressure on myself to write the perfect paper, get 100 on the tests, get easy, easy, easy, easy.

So it was the test. That’s when you. I was wondering. Yeah. The testing.

When else do you do you experience that? Is it like all day long if you wake up and you’re behind the ball.

It’s not all day. Our bodies get triggered before our minds do. And for you, learning how to catch yourself when you start speeding everything up and teaching yourself how to saddle your body. Slow down your thoughts so you can focus on the one Lego brick that you’re working on adding right now in this moment. It’s going to be critical for you. So let’s do it right now. Tell me, what is your dream?

My dream right now, I feel like my dream would be to open up some type of.

Don’t laugh. I want to teach about wine. It doesn’t have to be a big corporation thing. It’s just a little quaint close in town. Wine bar where I can air it out and teach people about enjoying wine and have that social aspect. What do you like about that? I guess what I’d like about it is not only the wine. I like being the person to come to for the wine experience. I like to expose people to what I’m passionate about.

And it does not revolve around I’m gonna make money to make money. It revolves around looking forward. Right to that every day. Well, so this is easy. You know, I’m saying that. I don’t let what’s easy about it. What’s easy and what’s hard about it? Let’s start there. What do you think hard about this? What’s hard is I know I’ve never done it before and I’ve called for a lease price and then I get into my head.

Well, once I get this, then I’m gonna need. I’ve never done that. How do I get this? How do I get that kind of fear?

Makes you start thinking too big. Too big. Because, again, the fear that’s triggering you is this real existential one about mortality. And you’re turning your life into a race with a ticking time clock. And that’s why your heart gets like a knot, because it’s seizing up under the pressure that you’re putting on yourself to run the race. It’s not a race. We all end up at the same finish line at different times. And the mastery around life is about being able to be present in your day to day life.

Being able to be mostly satisfied with what you’re doing while you’re pivoting, while you’re exploring it doesn’t surprise me that you’re the happiest when you’re teaching, when you’re learning, when you’re investigating things, because you’re the kind of person that thrives off of growth. And that’s cool. And so you already have the clue, which is if you’re not doing one thing in your life that’s expanding what you know or testing growing you. You’re not going to feel fulfilled, but your fear is making you think way too big and way too fast about the things that you’re interested in.

And so here’s what I want you to do, because the fear is speeding things up and making it too big. I want you to combat it by recognizing when the knot starts to happen. Again, it’s about for you when your heart starts to cease and your mind starts to spin going up. I’m thinking too big. I’m trying to be perfect. I need to do one thing. I want you to start to shrink things because fear expands things.

Is that common to think too big? Is that something that end the paralysis? Super common. All triggered by this fear that you’re never gonna figure it out. Or the fear that you’re going to miss your opportunity. And again, this all goes down to his fundamental thing of am I gonna amount to anything? Am I gonna look up at 87 and regret my fucking life? The answer is no, you won’t. If you still have good friendships, if you remain close to your family, and if you have spent a lifetime where you’re learning new things by pivoting and by exploring.

You’re unveiling things. It’s not like it was secretive, but it’s making sense. What are you thinking about? What’s making sense? Why? I feel a certain way after or before something that I’m about to do occurs, why that feeling’s happening, how I have to perceive that event. And now that building bought, the Legos are sticking and it’s just little nicks in your in your goal are going to eventually amount to something.

And it may not be originally what you thought. It’s going to be ever is never is never never is never planned. A is never going to end with Plan A.. You know, it ends with like plan W, plan W, and you just have to understand that I want plan.

Well I think a lot of times people, instead of thinking about Lego blocks, they think about big leaps. One of the things that’s been very helpful for me and not letting big fears stop me from doing little things is realizing that every little Lego block that you add, you actually needed that you’re building a bridge somewhere, you’re not taking a leap, and that until you take those little steps and you take the class and then the next step is have a conversation with the instructor and the next step is go talk to five different distributors.

And the next step is then go talk to a wine specialty liquor store. You don’t realize that it was never about the wine bar. It was about something else entirely. Because along that journey, you met somebody who wasn’t opening a wine store. They were opening something else and that ignited something in you. And the art around creating pivots in the art about finding meaning is in managing those big fears and recognizing when they’re starting to paralyze you and being able to settle your body, settle your mind and just grab the next Lego block and understand that by doing that all the time, you will get to where you’re supposed to go.

But so many people, it’s really sad. So many people waste their entire lives thinking and feeling intensity in their heart and that paralyzes them. So they do wake up at eighty seven and say, Jesus, they did a study at Cornell called the Legacy Project, where the number one thing that people said near the end of their life, you know, you hear the thing about regrets, but what everybody said was that if they could change one thing about their lives, they wish they could have gone back.

And stopped worrying. That worrying rob them of so much joy and so much opportunity, because when you worry, you’re worrying because you’re afraid of something. Mm hmm. And we often worry about things beyond our control and we worry about things that don’t matter. And we worry about stuff that is never going to happen. And the worry causes us to go nowhere and do nothing but think. And when you worry, you’re thinking about something that could go wrong in the future.

And that takes you out of the present moment.

I really believe if you’re present and if you’re great to people and you tune in and read the signs in your body and you pay attention to what naturally expands you, that there’s a language that your soul is speaking. That most of us tune out because we’re so distracted by fear and are so in our heads. Mm hmm. All right. You know, you asked me earlier a question about don’t we all have the need to grow? And the answer is it’s a fundamental need that most of us don’t ever talk about.

So remember, as somewhere in high school, people talk about Mars loves hierarchy of needs. So there’s this like pyramid of needs that we have. And at the most bottom, fundamental level, are the things that we all need to actually live. We need water. We need oxygen. We need sleep. We need food. We need shelter. Right. You don’t have those five things. Your ass is dead. Right. OK. Then you go up the ladder and the next needs are about your needs to be connected to other human beings.

It’s about your need for love. Your need for sexual pleasure. Those sort of physical needs. Right. In terms of your mind, body, spirit. At the very highest level. And it’s the smallest little pyramid on the top. And most of us don’t talk about this. But this is the crisis that everybody starts to hit in their 30s, 40s and 50s when you become aware of your mortality. And that is the need to grow. Why don’t we talk about it?

I don’t know. I don’t know. And here’s my theory about it. Our bodies are wired. As a alarm system to tell you when your fundamental needs are not being met. So if you are in need of food, what do you feel in your body? You’re hungry? Yeah. If you’re in need of sleep, what, are you tired? If you’re in need of water, you’re thirsty. Yes. If you’re in need of shelter, find a place.

Yeah. You’re cold or you’re. You’re scared.

Nervous. You’re on edge because the lightning is happening in your body. You get goose bumps. You’re like, I got to find cover. Right. If you are in need of physical connection, how do you feel? Lonely. Yeah, totally. If you are in need of growth. How do you feel like you need to go? I feel stuck. Yeah. Yes. That thing in your heart.

So I want you to reframe that. Not when you feel that knot in your chest or you feel your thoughts start to spiral. That’s the physical signal that what’s missing is growth. And the only way to get it is not to look out a hundred years and think, what am I gonna be have done in my 90s?

It’s to think, what’s a Lego block that I can add right now that will satiate my need to learn to grow, to do something, that expands my experience of being alive.

And right now, that crumb, that little piece there is helping me say, hey, Dan, you don’t right now. You don’t have to get to the wine bar in three months. Pick something a little bit more advanced than the wine class right now and just. Work for a little bit in that realm. See where it takes or not, or take an online course or throw a dinner party every month. That’s about wine. I said I wanted to run like a teacher wine club to start, you know, like I didn’t know what I wanted to do.

Why not? That’s what I said.

That’s something that’s doable. Let’s see. Here’s why I think this is so important. Because just like your body wisdom tells you that you’re thirsty. So you need water. It’s giving you accurate signals. I think that the signals that you’re getting about being stuck and the instincts and impulses that come up, they’re the exact thing that you need to pay attention to, because if you keep thinking, you know, maybe the next Lego pieces, a wine club with the teachers at school, I guarantee you there is one person that’s gonna show up at that.

And there’s gonna be one conversation that leads to the next Lego block. And it’s only in having the clarity to tune into those instincts and to actually just inched forward a little bit and pay attention to it that you get the clue that you need in order to go to the next thing that you needed to do. And so I don’t know if you’re going to open a wine bar. I don’t know if you’re going to work in the wine distribution business.

But what I do know for sure is that if you continue to read the signals in your body, the tightness in your chest, the spiraling thoughts, if you ask yourself, OK, I’m thinking too big what I’m afraid of. And then you say, what could I do next? That would add a little fun, a little Lego. What’s that one thing you pay attention to that it will lead you to places beyond your wildest dreams?

I can’t wait. I can’t wait. Really? After I’m done with you, I’m going to email my wine instructor and say, do you have any distributors you could go?

I would also ask your wine instructor, would you be willing to spend an hour with me? This class has really opened up something for me. And I would love your advice about how to continue my learning and possibly do something on the side related to wine.

And I would love to hear your thoughts. Yeah, I’m ready to go. That’s simple. Like, even just if every other week you had a conversation scheduled with somebody in that business, you would be feeling progress. And who knows where it’s leading? It doesn’t matter where it’s leading, because what we know when you’re exploring something is you’re expanding and you’re growing. And that means fear isn’t stopping you.

That heart not thing feeling that you get in your body and the spiraling of the thoughts, that is a absolute lee accurate, dead accurate sign that fear is paralyzing you right now. And so when that happens to you in the future, I want you to basically take a deep breath and I want you to go, OK, what am I afraid of? And what’s one small move that I can do to move forward? Because if you think about the fear and you let it settle in your body, you’re going to stay stuck and you’re going to feel agitated.

And when you feel stuck in that not comes up, you’re like, oh, I’m thinking too big. I’m not gonna be stuck here forever. I’m not stuck at all. What’s the next move that I can make? Do you see how this works? Yes. Feels a lot more doable than what the thought process that I initially had before today. And I’m going to start working on that. The moment I walk back to my hotel. Also, seriously.

So how do you feel? I feel completely. I don’t take this the wrong way. I feel almost gutted.

But in a in a good way, I feel cleansed. I feel invigorated.

I feel ready to adapt to my life plan. I feel more confident in what I can do moving forward. And I just am so thankful for the opportunity that I just had. Awesome. That’s great. Oh, I’m so thankful. I’m thankful that you got a chance to meet Dan and to listen to him. I can’t wait also to give you the update on how he’s doing since that coaching session because he’s doing dynamite. And isn’t he so awesome?

Personally, I wish he was my kid’s PE teacher. Now, the place where Dan felt out of control is the big question we all struggle to answer. Is there more to life than this? And if so, what is it? If you relate to Dan in this way, as I do, if you obsess over your future and you get stuck thinking about it, one of the major things I want you to get out of my coaching session with Dan is to recognize that overthinking is a trap.

It’s triggered by fear. And you’re gonna have to stop yourself from doing it if you want to get control of your life. Because when you become a control freak about thinking and making plans, what happens is you start to convince yourself that by thinking about your future, like Dan does, somehow it will give you control of it. And it’s actually the opposite. The only thing that will give you control is the thing that you’re scared to do, and that’s taking action.

Action is a physical commitment to something. Action is movement, action is where you literally take ownership over your own existence. You see, when you’re thinking you’re just spinning in place in order to move forward, you’re gonna have to step out of the trap of thinking. Get control of yourself and actually move. Now, as I say this, if you’re sitting there and your thoughts are starting to spin and you’re going, well, what action should I take and how do I know what action?

When do I do it? And what if I fail? And what about this? And what about that? But now you don’t know. But this happened.

But that BOEM if you’re already doing it, you’re falling into the exact same trap that Danna’s and in order to move yourself from thinking to action. I’m going to walk you through the five main takeaways from Dan session so that you can use everything that I just discussed with Dan to take control of your life. And as I go through these takeaways, I want you to think about something you’ve been interested in pursuing. I want you to think about something that calls to you something that tugs at your heart, an idea that you’ve always wanted to dip your toe in the water of.

Or maybe it’s an area of your life where you feel like something’s off track and you’re afraid to start moving forward. I want you to use Dan’s story and these takeaways to inspire you to think smaller, to start inching forward brick by brick and get control of your life. And I want you to re listen to a moment in my conversation with Dan, because if you listen closely, you’re going to hear him explain all of the pieces that I’m talking about and why it starts with fear when you’re about to make a change, when you’re about to take control of your life and start taking action, it’s going to feel hard.

You’re gonna feel afraid because you’ve never done it before. And as soon as that fear kicks in, you’re going to want to quiet it. And what does Dan do when he feels afraid, when he feels like it’s already starts thinking and thinking and thinking? Just listen to how he described it. What’s hard is I’ve never done it before and I’ve called for a lease price and then I get into my head. Well, once I get this, then I’m gonna need.

I’ve never done that. How do I learn about this part of the. How do I get this? How do I get that kind of fear?

Makes you start thinking too big. I love that moment because once you start thinking too big, now it becomes even scarier and you’ll do nothing. And that’s the trap. The moment you’re about to take control of your life, it’s a moment of change, you’re moving from thinking to action. You will feel afraid, it will feel hard. You may have never done it before. So in order to quiet that fear that you have, you’re going to reach for a way to control it.

And once you start over thinking to quiet the fear, it’s a fake form of control. Now you’re gonna spin out of control and go nowhere. And the secret to getting actual real control of your life to getting out of this trap is breaking the cycle because thinking about something is very different than doing it and thinking gives you a false sense of control. It’s an illusion that you’re working on something. And look, when you listen to Dan, I’m sure you picked up on this fact that all this thinking is what’s keeping him trapped.

It’s super easy when you see somebody else doing it. It’s a whole nother can of worms, though, open when you have to figure it out for yourself. If you struggle staying present to what’s happening around you, for example, or you find yourself ruminating over the same thoughts, you’re an over thinker. And when that happens, you become trapped by your thoughts, because once you’re removed from the present moment, your ability to problem solve is blown.

It feels like you’re in control because thinking feels like you’re doing something about it. Whatever it is that you’re thinking about. But it’s a complete illusion. And in fact, overthinking actually makes you less likely to even act. And research shows that fantasizing about your goals actually saps your energy and leads to decrease motivation in achieving them.

I had this aha moment because I realized, holy cow, that explains my entire college and law school career.

Whenever I had a paper assigned or a test that I needed to study for, I would get caught in this thinking trap. I would think about my papers. I would think about my assignments. I would think about studying obsessively. And the more I thought about what I needed to do, the more overwhelmed I became. And I actually turned myself into a chronic all night queen.

I literally duped myself into feeling like I was in control of the situation because I would think and think and think and think and think about what I needed to do. And then all of a sudden, it would be the night before and reality could no longer be denied because the paper was due in twelve hours. And all that thinking about the paper never actually got it typed because thinking about something is very different than doing it. And there was an even bigger problem once I sat down to type and I had an all nighter in front of me.

I had been doing so much thinking that I felt like I was actually done with the paper and I was so gassed mentally because I felt like I had already written the paper in my head that I rarely had anything left in the tank to put forward a solid effort. I hadn’t kept control. I done the opposite. I had spun the situation out of control by doing too much thinking.

Now, if I trace it back to the fear of why why didn’t I just write the darn paper when it was assigned? I mean, it’s obvious what you should do, right? I mean, I’m sure you’re listening there thinking in e-mail. You’re pretty smart. This one’s pretty easy than sound like a smart guy. Should be pretty easy. This is the power of the thinking trap. It’s really hard when you’re the one stuck in it.

Now, if I traced back to the fear of why didn’t just start writing it, it’s because the moment I was assigned a big project, whether it’s a paper or an exam to study for or breaking up a long relationship or jumping off the track you’re on in your career and starting a new one. The enormity of it scared me in the moment of getting that assignment, in the moment of having a realization that you need to change. There’s always a small panic.

It fills you with a sense of uncertainty or even dread. And that makes you want to quiet it and reach for control, anything that feels hard. That’s the word that Dan said. Anything that feels hard. I’ve never done this before. It’s gonna trigger fear. And your instincts are going to make you want to quiet that fear. Every single day there are small moments like that where you feel triggered, overwhelmed, uncertain, where something feels hard or new and you reach for control because you hate feeling that agitation and discomfort and the control that you reach for first quiets the fear in the moment that keeps you stuck.

Ignoring the paper didn’t actually give me real control. It gave me fake control and it stressed me out. What I needed was self-control. Self-control is when you know that you’re getting triggered and then you have the self-control to slow yourself down, take control of the situation and not get trapped. You see, Dan’s doing the exact same thing here. Dan, someone who thinks too big in almost every area and paralyzes him in terms of his life is preoccupied by the big questions.

Well, my life amount to something. What is the meaning of all this? Most of us are just like Dan were stuck thinking in our heads and thinking is the trap, because when you’re in your head, you see the obstacles, not the opportunity.

And as you think and think, you make things more complex than they need to be rather than seeing the simple way forward. Thinking too big. Also magnifies the gap between where you are and where you want to be in the future. And that’s going to paralyze you. In fact, if you’re so obsessed with amounting to something that all you do is think about it, you’ll do nothing, nothing, because it’s going to feel bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger the more that you think.

And Dan’s so obsessed with what is life is going to look like at the age of 90 that he’s not taking any action right now. And that’s what he needs to do. And this doesn’t just plague people in their 30s and 40s and 50s. It plagues everybody, teenagers not being able to pick a college or pick a major people in their 20s, not being able to pick a job or career track or people in their 30s trying to figure out what they want their life to look like now that they’ve been in the real world.

We put such high stakes on our decisions and that’s what keeps us paralyzed. So how do you stop letting your overthinking spin your life out of control? Here’s what you’re gonna do any time you catch yourself over thinking we’re gonna follow the fear. What am I afraid of? What was I afraid of confronting in college was the fear that I wasn’t smart enough to do well on the test or the fear that I wasn’t ready to write the paper. I felt exposed.

And instead of digging in and putting in the work the way I gave myself a false sense of controls by thinking about what I needed to do rather than doing it. As soon as you’re afraid, it triggers your body to want to fine control and you’ll reach for fate control. You’ll do anything to quiet and avoid that fear. That’s why none of us ever want to take action. It’s safer to just think about it, even though it makes you miserable in the long run.

And that takes us now to the next four takeaways. If you are somebody who overthinks, if you relate to everything that Dan and I struggle with, how do you get real control of your life and stop thinking and start doing? Well, here are some specific things that will help you. First, when you feel afraid or out of control, don’t speed up. Slow down. You take real control of your life by slowing down first. Now, Dan, he’s Alterra productive.

He’s up early. He’s out about he’s hitting the gym. He’s getting to work. He’s going. He’s no problem. I mean, he’s got this pace about him. Right. But here’s the thing. It’s really important for you to slow down and take a look at what’s driving you to do so much. Are you being driven and pulled by your dreams or are you being driven by your fears? Dan is not being pulled by his dreams. He’s being pushed by his anxiety, his urgency of not getting it all done, not figuring it out.

And it’s driving him crazy. So just for a second, in the area of your life, for your overthinking, where you feel a little stock, where you feel off. Is it the tug of your dreams or is that the push of your fears? If you’re an ultra productive or busy person, I want you to look at this. This is really important because if you’re the kind of person that’s always busy, it’s probably a form of distraction.

And I want you to slow down long enough so that we can start to have you pulled forward by your dreams and not pushed into a panic by your fears. You see, there are people who are called forward by a dream and they’re building a path forward and they’re inspired by their vision and they’re in control of their life. And that’s not what Dan was doing. And it’s certainly not how I was. There’s an urgency. There’s a panic, there’s a pace.

And to feeling like you’re spinning. And, you know, believe it or not, busyness gives you a false sense of control, but it’s not going to get you the results that you want. And I want to take you back into the coaching session with Dan, because I want you to feel the intensity. I want you to be reminded of the busyness.

And as you listen to him, I want you to think of areas in your life where it’s fear and urgency, an anxiety that’s pushing you and how important it’s going to be for you to be able to slow down in order to get control. I’ve been teaching for 15 years and I said, you know what? I like teaching. There’s still some more out there. There’s still stuff I want to do. I just don’t know how to do it.

I don’t know where to start. And it’s scary. And I do a lot of things. Everything else.

Boom, boom, boom. All throughout the day, I’m doing things, doing things and accomplishing things, trying things. But this is just that portion is tough for me.

There’s an intensity. And the thing that I think you’d benefit from is slowing down.

Help me slow down. I get to get the leash out of a movie. Help me slow down.

I’m revving up like, oh, my God, I’m up. I’m ready to go. Dan is ready to go, but he’s going nowhere. This was a humongous revelation for me personally when I’m fueled by fear. Everything seems urgent. The small stuff that doesn’t matter suddenly bothers me. I start to question myself. The pace of things pick up. I am exactly like Dan. Busyness is something I hide behind when I’m afraid of facing things, because if I’m busy, I don’t have time to face the thing that scares me.

Does that sound familiar? I bet you do this in some area of your life. You’re so busy that you don’t have time to change. In this case, what’s the secret to control? It’s slowing down and slowing down can be terrifying for some of us. We do everything we can to fill up our entire days with stuff and schedules and noise that we never have to get quiet.

Why is that? I think it’s because we’re afraid that if we slow down, we might learn something about ourselves in the quiet that we don’t want to know. Maybe something painful. You know, as I thought about this, it reminded me of a fact, every single major change that has happened in my life where I made a decision to do something different. Either occurred during a long walk on the beach or in the woods. Chris and I made a decision to move out of New York City and up to Boston when we were in the national forests in New Mexico camping for a weekend.

One of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had in my marriage with Chris was when we were walking the dog and our local state park. Just recently, Chris and I were celebrating my fiftieth birthday and we had a long, long walk on the beach where I told him I didn’t think he was happy doing what he was currently doing in his career and that he needed to take a look in the mayor. I think there’s something about slowing down and tuning in that brings the truth to the surface.

And when you’re super busy and when there’s an urgency about everything that you’re doing that’s driven by fear, you’re never going to get to the truth. You know, Glennon Doyle has a great analogy for this. She’s the bestselling author of Love Warrior, and she explains that we live our lives like a snow globe, always shaking it up so that the snow is forever flying and covering what’s inside. If we were to just stop and spend time looking in, we might find something about ourselves we didn’t know.

I think we find more than that. I think we find the answers that we want. And I am so guilty of letting fear trigger me to start shaking the globe, getting so busy and caught up in the little things going on that I don’t slow down long enough to really face the truth. You take control when you slow down. So if your life feels like it’s too fast. If there’s an urgency or a fear or a level of anxiety at the service.

If you’re busy, it tells me you’re out of control. It tells me that there is fear that’s triggering you and the fear is speeding things up. And I’m here to tell you, you must slow down. So how can you slow down? Well, there’s a ton of strategies you can use which are outlined in the workbook from taking a walk in the woods and how the science of getting outside helps your nervous system. There’s actually science, which explains why I’m having breakthroughs on long walks.

It has to do with what happens in your nervous system and how your brain can focus or how even taking five deep breaths can change. Your nervous system can pull you into the present. Now, I could explain all the things we list in the workbook, but it’s kind of boring to listen to. And I know you’re driving a car, so I don’t want you to zone off. But I do want to highlight the most powerful way to slow down.

And it’s through meditation. Don’t roll your eyes at me, especially if you’re busy. OK, I know busy people hate to meditate. I know people are telling you to meditate all the time. I’m not a meditation coach. I’m just telling you that meditation, if you’re a busy person, is the fastest way to slow down because what you’re doing when you take on a form of meditation, whatever form you want, is your training your brain to slow down and to tune in so you can take control.

Now, you don’t have to do it any certain way. There’s no wrong way to meditate. You could sit in a chair, you could sit on a couch, you could stand on your head. You could sit at a stoplight and just tune in. There are so many different apps that can guide you through meditation. I’m not here to tell you which one to use, but if you were to just try not talking for five minutes every morning and tune into your body and not your head as the snow globe settles, you’ll be surprised what you find in there.

And it’s going to be the truth. And if he can’t sit still, I tend to be sort of a bounce around kind of person and go for a walk, go outside in the woods, if that’s a possibility for you.

Go walk in the park. Any practice that gets you out of the business of your life and into paying attention to what’s going around you and what’s happening inside of you for just a few minutes a day. It’s going to engage the part of your body that helps you keep your cool. Now, there’s something that I do. I call it take five. I just take five deep breaths. If I ever find myself starting to get really agitated or I’m getting way too far ahead or I’m on a plane that’s got a lot of turbulence, something that’s really triggering fear in me.

And I start to notice myself getting agitated or getting too busy or starting to feel off track or whatever it may be, or spend big ideas. I just take five deep breaths and that’s all that it takes to slow down and to get control of the moment. And, you know, here’s the funny thing. If you hate this idea and if you’re sitting there saying to me, you know, Mel, I have five extra minutes a day for crying out loud.

You know what that tells me? It tells me you need this more than anybody else and you probably need more like 20 or 30 minutes of meditation. You got way too much agita. That’s impacting your ability to get clarity on what you really want and what you have to do to go get it. And most likely, if you’re running on fear, you’re gonna hate this advice. You’re not gonna want to slow down because busyness and racing around is a defense mechanism.

Now, the next takeaway is that in order to create what you want. You’ve got to first be able to state what you want. And in this regard, I find that there’s something really interesting that we do. We don’t like to tell people what we’re dreaming about. We don’t like to talk about the future or the vision that we have for herself. We don’t like to state the change that we want. And, you know, when I was asking Dan what he really wanted, he said something that really stood out to me.

And I want to play this moment from our coaching session. And I want you to listen closely. And he has a qualifier before he tells me what his dream is. And this is a major red flag. And I bet you do the exact same thing. Listen in. My dream right now, I feel like my dream would be to open up some type of. Don’t laugh like a wine bar.

I don’t want to be I want to teach about wine. Have a little bit. It doesn’t have to be a big corporation thing. It’s just a little quaint close in town.

Wine bar where I can air it out and teach people about enjoying wine and have that social aspect.

Did you hear what he said before he told me his dream? He paused and he said, don’t laugh now. Why would you say that? Why would you say don’t laugh when you’re about to tell somebody your dream that you’ve always dreamt of having a wine bar? Why? Why would you say that? I’ll tell you why. Fear. He said, don’t laugh, because the moment that you admit the thing that you want. You expose yourself. You lose control.

Fear is right there. And so he’s saying, don’t laugh as a way to try to control that fear. That fear that he has that I might judge and the fear that he has, that maybe it sounds stupid, the fear that he has, that maybe he’s not worthy of having that dream. It’s all triggered by the fear that he has. Can I even make this come true? And we’re all guilty of diminishing our dreams in this way.

You’re embarrassed to say them out loud because life right now feels so far away from that dream that even uttering it sounds laughable.

Don’t laugh if you struggle with self-worth. You’re going to question whether or not you even deserve it. And you know, that’s not hard enough. The minute you tell somebody, then you feel dumb saying it because now it’s public. Oh, I won’t open a wine bar. Oh, you know, I’d like to have kids. I know I’m forty five, but I’d still like to have kids. And that creates pressure and guilt about achieving it. And when you start to get honest with yourself about what you dream about doing, your dream is gonna feel so big that you’re not going to feel in control anymore.

So it seems too crazy to even say it to other people. That’s why we don’t tell anybody what we’re dream about.

And then in order to gain this control over your fear, to quiet it, you’re going to actually diminish your own dream, just like Dan did. Don’t laugh, but this is what I want. Here’s the thing. If you’re embarrassed. All it means is that you’re stretching out of your comfort zone and it’s normal to be embarrassed by your dreams. The problem is when you let that embarrassment stop you. The problem is when you downplay your dreams to other people and then all of a sudden you’re part of the crowd that’s convincing you that you can’t do it.

If you want to see your dreams come true, it starts with the courage to state it. You have to be able to state it in order to create it as your own. If you’re unwilling to do that, I’m sorry, you don’t even deserve it. And I’m here to tell you, you do deserve your dreams. You do have to find the courage to do this. You do have to stop overthinking. And you do have to have the courage to state them.

I need you to stop diminishing the things that you want. Stop hiding from them and start telling people what you dream about doing. And this works no matter how small the dream is. If you’re over thinking about writing a paper, as I used to, instead of just thinking about it, all I had to do is create a deadline and state that I was going to finish it. Had I stated that I wanted to finish it and created a deadline before it was due, I would’ve made a plan that would’ve been a start.

And you can do the exact same thing. Dan’s never going to advance. If he can’t talk about what he wants and neither can you. And that brings us to our next takeaway. So once you’ve got the courage to actually state the dream that you won, doesn’t matter what it is, any dream, it’s your dream. You deserve to have it.

Tell me what it is. State that dream. That’s right. The next take away is the fact that now that you’ve stated it, you’re going to create it brick by brick. Now, Dan and I talked a lot about this in the coaching session, but I want to really drive this home because it is such a liberating visual, particularly if you’re an over thinker. It’s very physical. It’s very concrete. It’s very actionable. And the other thing that I love about it, it’s very forgiving because there’s no right.

Brick, there’s just a ton of, um, you need to assemble. And one of the other reasons why I love the brick analogy is because I need you to stop thinking about the big stuff. I need you to stop thinking about the dream that you have or the change that you need to make as a big leap. And I want you to start to think in a different way. I want you to start to think about the small moves forward.

You see, you take action by breaking things down into the smallest component, because when you think about the small moves, a couple of cool things are going to happen. First of all, you’re going to realize you have plenty of time. One of the problems with thinking too big is you’re going to start to feel afraid and that’s going to make you spin out of control and you’re going to start to think, holy cow. I don’t know if I have enough time to do that.

I don’t know if I’m capable of doing that. I don’t know. I don’t know. And that’s exactly what happened today. And just listen to him describe it.

I would hate to go on 30 or 40 years and. Look back when I’m 60 or 70 and say, I didn’t try this, I didn’t do this, I wish I did my feet into this. I’m 36. And when I was 26, I said, I don’t have time. I have time. I have time. Now I’m 36. And that gap from 26 to 36 doesn’t seem like it was that far. I don’t want to be 66 or 76 saying I wish I did this.

I wish I did that. I should have done this.

Why didn’t I do that? Can you hear? I’m spending, spending, spending, spending to stop spinning. First you’ve got to slow down. And then we got to break it down into small little bricks because he’s thinking way too big. And that’s the problem. And so are you. So how do you build a new house to live in? How do you lay a new path to walk down? You do it brick by brick. That’s how you start.

It’s how you make a change in your life. It’s how you start a business or do whatever it is that you want to do. You change your life inch by inch, brick by brick, not mile by mile, brick by brick helps you think about steps rather than focusing on the huge picture. Because as you compile bricks, you don’t have to know the right way how to use them. You know, in college, if I just started writing paragraphs and brainstorming an outline that would have given me control and it would have broken me free from the trap of overthinking.

Now, remember I told Dan about the Lego blocks? Well, when Legos come out of the box, they require you to patiently piece the bricks together one at a time. But Dan was stuck on the image of the finished product. So we lost sight of all the pieces. If you’re stuck because you’ve been focusing on the final product, tear down that vision and start by picking up just one brick today. Instead of getting bogged down by the big picture, just take the smallest move forward.

The first little block in building the Lego set. That’s all you need to do. It’s so much easier than thinking big. I want you to think small. I want you to not do big things. I want you to start shrinking it down to the little things. It’s so important that you understand that changing anything is a process. Having your dreams come true is a process. And that’s why you’re capable of making it happen, because you’re capable of moving forward.

One little brick at a time. And the other thing that’s cool that I love about the brick analogy is that it’s flexible and you need to understand that you’re going to need to be flexible as you make these passionate, small pivots, because in the process of moving one little Lego block at a time in the direction of what you want, you’ll be headed exactly where you need to go. And here’s the other thing. You’re going to find that you’re gonna have to pivot in a new direction.

And because you’re thinking in the form of bricks, you’re going to be able to be flexible. Because remember what I said to Dan. Yes. You’re going to begin with Plan A.. Yep. You’re going to think you’re gonna do one thing. Yep. You’re gonna think that your dream is to write your first novel and get published and do all this. And, yes, you should go for it. But what always happens when you start brick by brick and you start laying down the path to your dreams is plan A.

becomes plan B, becomes plan C, becomes plan D, becomes plan E, and ultimately you end up with plan W, which is plan W for the win. And let me remind you of this, because I explained it to Dan now that building bought the Legos are sticking. When he mentioned that, it’s sticking with me and.

It’s just just little nicks in your in your goal are going to eventually amount to something and it may not be originally what you thought. It’s it’s going to be never is. Never is, never, never is. Never a plan. A is never gonna end with Plan A.. You know, it ends with like plan W, plan W, and you just have to understand that. Now, why is it important to understand that you start with Plan A.

. But it’s going to end with Plan W for the win. The reason why it’s important is because that’s how life works. And if you’re focused only on thinking big, if you’re focused on overthinking, you’re gonna be focused on doing it just one way. And the second one thing doesn’t work out. Fear is going to kick back in. You’re gonna fall right back into the trap of overthinking. That’s why it’s essential for you to understand that you only change things by slowing down and making small moves and you’re capable of doing it.

Now, when I told Dan that he needed to take the bigness out of what he was trying to mentally manage, he immediately found the focus and the confidence that he needed to look forward. For Dan, his first Lego block isn’t about opening up a wine store. That’s a leap. That’s hard. That has a million steps to it. And he doesn’t even know if he’s going to like it. Instead, the first block is taking a wine class.

And then after you take the wine class, then you do another brick and then you talk to a distributor and then you get a part time job at a wine store and then you figure out if you even like that. And then you bump into more people and you do things one tiny step at a time by shrinking the idea of figuring out what to do with your life or how to make a change, you make yourself capable of doing it. You know, I want to share a story with you about this plan, A leads to plan W thing.

So remember I told you I hated my job as a lawyer? Well, I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do. And so I just kind of tuned in and started paying attention to things that I was passionate about. And one thing that I was super passionate about, small town coffee shops. I love walking in to a coffee shop in a small town. I love the way they feel. I love the way they smell. I love the way that the owners are there working.

I love the way that they know everybody that comes in who’s from the neighborhood. It had always been my dream, or so I thought, to own a coffee shop and a bakery just like that. So when I was really stuck as a lawyer and I was trying to figure out how to make a pivot, I pulled out that first Lego block and I started work in brick by brick. And I got a job part time working in a local coffee shop on the weekends.

And you know what? I hated it. I hated every aspect of it. I hated smelling like a carrot muffin when I left my shift. I hated restocking the napkins 100 times an hour. I hated refilling the milk jugs. I hated refilling the sugar. I hated taking out the trash and having it leak all over because everybody pours their coffee in the door. I hated every single aspect of owning a small town bakery. And you know what I discovered?

I discovered something interesting about myself. I discovered that what I actually loved about Small-Town coffee shops is I love the community. I loved the flexibility of having a lifestyle or a job or a career where you could swing into one every morning and sit for a half an hour.

I liked the idea of having the economic freedom to be able to afford to buy a cup of coffee out every morning if I wanted to. So it wasn’t that my dream of owning a coffee shop was Plan A.. And that’s what I was supposed to do with my life.

What I actually learned from doing that part time job, which lasted about a week, was that there are aspects to how I wanted my life to look, that I needed to pay attention to, that I wanted to be part of a community that I wanted to have as part of my daily routine, walking into a local coffee shop and knowing the owners that I wanted the flexibility in my schedule to have a half an hour in the morning, to be able to sit and enjoy a cup of coffee and see my neighbors and talk about the news or the weather or whatever, and that I wanted the financial freedom to be able to afford a cup of coffee out everyday if I wanted one.

Even though every single financial adviser tells you that you shouldn’t have one.

So in laying that brick, I learned something insanely valuable about myself and it helped me pivot the path away from a maniacal obsession of owning a coffee shop to actually learning something about myself, slowing down my life long enough to learn something so I could pivot in a different direction. So here’s what I want you to understand. Every move that you make forward is going to be something valuable, because when you slow down your life and you push yourself to make a small move, you’re taking control of your life and you’re going to learn something about yourself that’s going to help you take the next step.

And here’s the other thing that I need you to understand. We’re obsessed with thinking about the big stuff. But you can only control the small things. Smaller is better. The bigger it is, the less control you have. So while it’s great to have big dreams and vision boards. It’s dangerous if you focus on the bigness of them because you’ll never move forward. The bigness of it is gonna make you feel afraid. To answer the big questions, start small.

If you feel out of control, start small to figure out your future, start small. If you think big, you’re going to go nuts.

So obviously I am hammering the point home, particularly if you’re an over thinker, that we got to slow down. We’ve got to get Adio head and we got to go brick by brick. So how do you ground yourself and taking small steps when you find yourself giving into the negative self talk in particular? There are going to be some things I want you to try. So what is negative self talk that stops you in taking steps forward? Oh, I’m not expecting it’s actually going to work.

I’m probably going to fail. This is impossible for me to achieve. I don’t deserve it. I’m not worthy. Oh, they said no.

Like all the little things that take you off track. I want you to think. Let’s do a little exercise. What is one teeny tiny little Lego block, one little brick that you could lay? I want you to think about just one step forward that you could make. And I want to remind you, that’s all you have to focus on right now is just the one little thing you’re going to do. Maybe it’s phone call. Maybe you’re going to sign up for class.

Maybe you’re going to get a job at your local coffee shop on the weekends. Maybe you’re going to sign up at the gym. Maybe you’re going to have a conversation with the person that you’re in a relationship with. Whatever it is, one tiny little move forward. And the reason why I want you to focus on one thing is because there’s incredible research from Columbia University about how to create these tiny Lego block actions.

So the first one is in order to understand whether or not you got a tiny enough move forward. Luck. Look, I’m going small here. I’m not asking for big moves. I’m asking for small number one. Just ask yourself, how will I know if I completed it? I wanted to be very specific. How will I know if I completed this task? We weren’t defined bricks. So how will you know if you signed up for the gym?

Well, if you signed up, how will you know if you applied for a job? If you completed the application, how will you know if you have started therapy? Well, you’ve not only hired a therapist, but you have an appointment. How will you know if you’ve had the conversation? You’ve sat down and had the conversation. So you want to define blocks that aren’t vague. I’m going to get healthy. That’s not a block. That’s a goal.

Signing up for the gym is a block. Exercising for ten minutes. Today at three p.m. is a block. We want specificity so that you know that it’s done. The second piece of research is ask yourself, what’s the biggest obstacle to doing this? And if the obstacle starts to feel overwhelming, the block is too big. Break it down. So, for example, let’s say that you’re interested in going and talking to a therapist. What’s the biggest obstacle?

I don’t know any therapists. And another big obstacle is I don’t know if my health insurance covers it. I don’t know if I can afford it. So if that obstacle feels too big, you can’t afford it. We’re going to break down the block. I’m going to call my health care company today and find out what they cover. That is a defined brick that you can do today. You will know when it’s completed. And there is no obstacle to you getting that done bone.

There you go. Also, I just want to point out that we have a lot of other strategies that you can use listed in the workbook. So if you’re an over thinker and if you’ve got a lot of negative self talk that drives you into your head. These are little things that are way boring to talk about things like writing things down on your calendar and the research about why it makes you more effective, keeping a list of things you’ve already done every day and why that makes you more motivated.

These are things that you can start to engage with to train yourself, to take action. But they’re really boring to talk about analyst, which is why I’m gonna tell you to go to Mel Robbins dot com slash take control.

Because the biggest takeaway, honestly, and I know I’ve just been really repeating this, but you’ve got to understand that if you overthink everything. Fear is winning. Period. That thinking gives you a false sense of control, it’s triggered by fear. And the only way to truly take control of your life is to start getting things done instead of thinking about what you need to get done. Now, the last piece I want to talk about from Dan Session is passion, because you may be listening to this and you may still be wondering.

All right, Mel, look, I get it. Brick by brick, stop overthinking. Got it. Psyched to dig into the workbook.

But woman, I don’t you know, my passion is, well, how do I even know what the brick is? I know I don’t want to go work in a coffee shop. Great. That worked for you. But what the hell do I do? This takeaway is for you. OK, calm down. Slow down. Well, we tell you. Don’t speed things up. That’s your fear. So you’re already getting jacked up and overthinking about it.

Just calm down. Slow down. Too many of you make the mistake of convincing yourself that your passion is about finding some treasure. And we believe that finding passion will give you control over your life. But here’s the problem. You have the wrong definition of passion and it’s not your fault. By the way, because you were told you gotta go find your passion. You got to pursue your passion. You got to make your life, your passion and the way it’s been defined by society.

It’s making you feel out of control because you don’t know what it is. What is it that I’m supposed to find? What is it that I’m supposed to pursue? But here’s the punch line. You’re ready for the big reveal.

There is no it’s the process of finding your passion and quote, The meaning of your life isn’t a treasure hunt because there’s no treasure at the end. If you’re looking to find it or the thing that you’re meant to do, please stop looking. Stop looking right now. You see, passion isn’t a person, place or thing. Passion doesn’t exist outside of you. You’re not gonna find it outside of you. You’re not going to find it in a job.

You’re not going to find it in a coffee shop. You’re not going to find it in a relationship. And I know you might be thinking, well, know what? But I’m passionate. I want to do what you’re talking about. No, no, no, no, no. Passion is just energy. That’s all the passion is. Passion is energy. I’m going to unpack this for you. Passion is energy. It’s not a destiny. When somebody says, I’m so passionate about my job, you know what they’re saying?

This is what they’re actually saying. You know what? I feel energized when I get up in the morning because I’m excited. Go do what I do at work.

That’s it. I’m so passionate about my new relationship. Well, that’s because you’re energized by it. Trust me, in a matter of a year, the same things that made you love this person are going to really make you annoyed with that person. OK. And that’s why you’ve got to keep working on the passion. Your job could change tomorrow. Your boss could leave and some micromanaging jerk face could move in to the role. And guess what? You’re not going to wake up and feel passionate about your career anymore because you’re going to wake up and feel depleted.

Knowing that you’ve got to go into work and see this jerk face, it’s going to micromanage you all day. Passion is what you feel inside about what you’re doing, about the way that you’re living your life. And that’s amazing news because you can do things to increase the amount of energy that you feel in your life. You can jack the passion inside of you, which will have a direct impact on the passion that you feel in your life. You see, Dan is making the mistake we all make.

We all bought into the lie that passion is a person. Passion is a place. Passion is a thing. Passion is a career. No, it’s not. He thinks if he opens a wine bar, he’s going to be happy. He’s wrong. He’s focusing on the end goal of having a wine bar. And when you think about the end, like Dan is, you start to think about getting what you want and it’s going to feel too big, too far away.

It’s going to trigger fear and it’s going to make you feel like you’re not in control of what’s going on.

And here’s the other thing. He might hate it, just like I hated the coffee shop. And then what do you do then? You’re screwed because you don’t know what your passion is. And you thought it was the wine shop. I want to change the pattern.

I want you to figure out how you can grow into what you want. I want you to figure out how you can wake up every day and feel a little bit more energized. I want you just like we started this coaching session by saying, let’s follow the fear to see what you’re doing when you feel afraid. That gives you a fake sense of control. And then let’s teach you to slow down and let’s teach you how to take real control of your life.

That’s what we just did. And you take real control by going brick by brick, by going small, not big. The same is true with passion. We’re going to follow what energizes you. We’re going to go in. We’re going to kind of look outside of you, because the truth is, we all want to control our lives. We all want to figure out the end. We want to find the perfect major. We want to find the perfect person.

We want to find the perfect career. We want to do that because we want to feel in control. But that’s not how it works. That’s not how it works. You need to follow your energy. You need to explore things along the path of pursuing things that energize you, because it’s not about a wine bar. It’s not about a coffee shop. Heck, it wasn’t even about the speaking business for me. Do you know I became the most book female speaker in the world?

Hundred and twenty one speeches delivered in 2017. The most book woman in the world, 250 days plus away from my family. It was my biggest dream. I achieved it. And then you know what happened. I no longer wanted it. I wasn’t passion about it anymore. Waking up in a hotel room alone. Halfway across the country from my family. That was what I had always dreamt about.

Don’t get me wrong. After being married 23 years and it was amazing for the first year, it felt like I was dating Chris for the first time in a long time.

But then something happened. I started to feel less and less energized by what I was doing. I started to wake up and feel depleted. I started to notice that when I had to pack to leave for a trip for five or six days to go give five or six speeches, I was starting to feel anxious in my body. And that’s going to happen to you. And see, I was lucky because this happened two years ago, and I knew at that point that passion isn’t a thing and see, if I didn’t know that I would have had a major crisis in my life because I had pursued my dream and I had achieved it brick by brick by brick, by the way, one small step at a time.

And so will you. But then things change. And that’s why you’ve got to understand that even if you achieve your dreams, passion is something that’s inside you. And when you start to feel depleted, you’ve got to pay attention to it. Just like when you feel lost. You got to pay attention to the things that naturally energize you. You see, when I started waking up feeling depleted, I knew it was time to make a change. I knew it was time to slow down.

I knew that the track that I was on, I didn’t want to spend the next 10 years every year two hundred and fifty days away from my family. I didn’t want that. So I had to do exactly what I’m telling you to do. And I had to start to look around. And what did I do? I followed the energy. I looked around and I thought about what are the things that energize me. And that’s what you need to do.

What are the things that naturally energize you? What are you curious about? What did you like to learn, what’s a new skill you want to develop? And what I realized is the things that still really energized me about what I was doing was reaching you every single day on social media and inspiring you and working with companies like Audible and creating these incredible projects that are collaborative, that change people’s lives.

I loved the creative process. I didn’t love being on the road. And so brick by brick by brick, over the course of the last two years, I started getting off the road and I started doing more things that energize me. And that’s how you change and that’s how you’re going to change, too, and that’s, by the way, how Dan is changing his life. He’s paying attention to what energizes him. And you know what energizes you?

What would you do for free? What would you be excited to learn? Well, whose life. Are you interested in or jealous of an what is it about the thing that they’re doing the calls to you. And now figure out how do you do a little bit of that? And trust me, even if you end up hating it like I hated that coffee shop, you’re going to learn something that you need. You’re going to learn how to orient yourself away from things that deplete you and toward more things that energize you.

You know, what’s interesting is this is exactly what you see playing out in Dan’s life. He’s not necessarily going to be happy if he opens a wine bar, but he’s going to be ecstatic in his life. If he starts exploring it and if he starts moving in the direction of it. It’s all about what he’s learning and feeling along the way. It’s not actually about opening up a wine bar. In fact, Dan is signed up for a class.

And there’s something that he said about how he feels. Simply getting on a train to go to a class about wine. That proves my point about the fact that passion is not about the thing that you ultimately want to achieve. It’s about how you feel as you’re living your life and growing into it.

How did you feel doing it? Great. Why?

Because I was learning it was new. The experience was new. There was a lot that I did not know. And every time that class came around, I couldn’t wait to go back.

I couldn’t wait to get on the train, go there, learn, taste, talk, ask questions.

That’s passion. That’s it right there. That is passion by definition. I could not wait. That is available to you. And it’s not going to be available to you if you focus on the dream, it’s not going to be available to you if you focus on the big, big, big, big, big things, you see.

It didn’t matter if Dan picks a wine bar or wine class or Somalia course or working in a restaurant or working in a wine shop. What matters is exploring something that ties back to things that energize you. And that’s what passion is all about. Dan doesn’t need to open a wine bar. All Dan needs to focus on is brick by brick. How do you learn and grow? As I march in the direction of the thing that’s tugging at my heart and in the process of doing that, you’re going to get closer and closer to what your passion is.

So the first thing I want you to do is to start paying attention to where your energy increases and where you feel depleted because passion is a feeling you get when you’re doing something that you care about. Passion is the energy that expands inside you and expands your life. You just have to open yourself up to feeling it and you have to open your life up to creating opportunities to feel it. And that just means getting curious. And the idea of tracking your energy and seeing where you’re depleted and where you’re energized, frankly, it’s been a lifesaver for me.

And I have taught this to thousands and thousands and thousands of people around the world who use it every single day. Here’s how I use it throughout the day. I check in with myself. It’s sort of like having an inner compass. Are you feeling energized by the people that you’re around right now? If so, it’s pointing TrueNorth. That means that you’re naturally heading in the right direction. Or do you feel depleted by the people that you’re around?

That’s pointing in the wrong direction. You want to spend less time with those people. Am I doing something that makes me feel energized or is this depleting me? Pay attention as you go through your day and also pay attention as you start exploring new ideas and new things and spending time with other people. The second thing that I want you to do after you start kind of reading this inner compass and tracking your energy is I want you to intentionally brick by brick.

Slow down and start aligning your life with things that energize you. If something energizes you, start adding more of it. For example, let’s say you’ve always been interested in yoga. And so you do one small brick, you sign up or one small class and you dread going. But you go anyway. You make one small move forward. And when you’re done, you feel totally energized and you feel energized after the class chatting with the other yogis.

Pay attention to that. Do more of it when something to play to like working part time at a local coffee shop. Do less of it. Do less of it. Same thing with people. If there are people in your life that deplete you.

That’s a stupid idea. Always gossiping, whatever it is that they spend less time for them. You can do this audit with your inner compass for everything, for your hobbies, for food, for people, for the type of work you’re working on, for topics that you’re reading about, whether or not you’re listening to podcasts or your streaming, whatever it is, just start following the energy. And I swear to you, that is where you will find your passion if it energizes you.

Go toward it and realize it’s in following your energy where you will pursue your passion and things you are meant to do. That’s the simple answer. I always hesitate in giving this advice because I know you’re desperate for control. I know you want me to say, go be a doctor. You’ll be happy. Be an accountant. Be. Get a divorce. You’ll get married. You’ll be. That’s not how it works with passion. You have to cultivate it inside of you.

You’re reaching for the right answer because you’re afraid you’ll never find it. Just slow down. Let’s shrink this down and brick by brick. Read your inner compass and align your life to do more things that energize you. That’s it. That’s it. Now, I’m sure you’re wondering, particularly after all that talk of passion and Lego blocks and Dan doesn’t need to open a wine bar, he just needs to do things to pursue it. You may be wondering, what is Dan Dunn?

Where’s Dan? What’s happening with Dan? Well, he reached out and he shared something with us that I totally want you to know. And here’s what he said.

Now, I’ll actually be starting a part time job in a small wine shop. Fifteen minutes away from where I live. Their philosophy about wine and the way in which they do business is unique and fits my personality pretty well. The hours are reasonable and it will not interfere or take away from time with my family, which is my number one priority.

The store has three employees and the owner was coincidentally looking for someone just like me, a passionate person who can run the shop while she tends to other business related tasks. I’ll also be allowed to participate in the store tastings one to two three times per week and be in the sales distribution aspect of the business. The icing on the cake is that I’d also received credentials to experience wine expos that take place in New York City three to four times a year.

How awesome is that? Dan, I’ll tell you what. That’s incredible. He’s doing things brick by brick. He’s not over thinking. He’s not being too busy. Can’t you hear that?

He is being pulled forward by the tug of his heart and he is doing it one small step at a time. He didn’t quit his job. He didn’t go invest hundreds of thousands of dollars in anything. He didn’t invest thousands of dollars in anything. He literally just followed what energized him and signed up for a part time job that allows him to explore his interest and to learn more about himself. This is his next Lego block, and he’s pursuing his dream and living with more passion.

One brick at a time. And it’s the exact same way you’ll do it. What is you going to learn from his job? I have no idea. Maybe he’s gonna hate retail. Maybe he’s gonna think it’s amazing and open his own store. But what I will tell you that I know for sure is that he’s gonna learn something that will help him lay the next brick at a slightly different angle. And voilà, his path will start to pivot in a direction that he’s passionate about and he will be in control.

Maybe he’ll love retail. Maybe he’ll be on the distribution side. Maybe he’ll end up having a marketing firm that markets wine. I don’t know. And you won’t know until you start. And keep going following your energy. Now, as Dan follows his energy, it’s going to take him somewhere amazing because moving in the direction of your heart is the only way to figure out where you’re meant to go. And you can do the exact same thing by slowing down and moving forward.

One brick at a time. And now I want to remind you of the five big takeaways from Dan session. First, always follow the fear. Ask yourself, what am I afraid of? And remember the moment you feel afraid you’re going to reach for control in order to quiet that fear. But the way that you reach for control, it backfires in the long term. And once you know what you’re afraid of, you’re going to ask yourself, what do I do when I feel afraid for Dan?

The answer is he starts to think, think, think, think, think. And if you’re an over thinker, that is a trap and it’s a trap that’s triggered by fear. And look, don’t make yourself wrong. We’re all guilty of trying to take control of our lives in a way that works in the moment because it quiets the fear down, but it spins our lives out of control in the long run. Second, being busy doesn’t mean you’re in control.

If you’re driven by your fears, it’s a sign that you need to slow down.

Third, you have to state it to create it. I understand that it may feel embarrassing or hard or uncomfortable stating what you want, but the second that you stated, you claim it and it’s the only way that you can start to take control and take the steps to get what you want. Fourth, how do you take the steps you go brick by brick to make it stick? Thinking big, it’s going paralyze you instead. The answer is small.

Break down your goals in two small chunks. Simplify your goals into the teeniest actions forward every day and then just start working on it. And finally, the big idea about passion. It’s not a person, place or thing, and you’re not going to find it. You’re going to follow the energy. You’re going to grow into the things that interest you. It’s all about the pursuit, not the end game.

The secret to getting control over your life and working toward your dreams is making one small bit of progress every single day on the things that matter to you. And if you follow the steps that I just shared with you, you’re going to get there. Now, we’re going to shift into a second session in this next session, we’re going to talk about something that I know you can relate to, and that’s the fear of failure. Have you ever wanted something so badly that you were afraid to even try?

The fear of failure is a killer. Maybe you’re afraid of failing because you don’t want to embarrass yourself. Or maybe you’ve failed in the past and you don’t want to feel that bad again. Or maybe it’s because you want everything to be perfect before you can start. Or perhaps it’s a combination of all these things, just like it is for the woman you’re about to meet. One thing we’re gonna be exploring in this coaching session is perfectionism and the close relationship it has to your fear of failure.

And, you know, perfectionism is a funny thing because trying to be perfect gives you the illusion of control. But in reality, it does the opposite. It spins your life out of control. I mean, think about it for a minute. If you have the perfect business plan, then you won’t fail. If you have the perfect comeback, then the conversation will go well. If you have the perfect sales pitch, then you’re ready to make the phone calls.

The reason why so many of us try to be perfect is because we think if we can make it perfect before we start, we’ll be safe, will avoid the criticism.

We’ll avoid feedback. We’ll get what we want. We’ll be in control. And the logic is, if you put all your effort into being perfect first, you’ll never have to face rejection and you’ll never disappoint anybody and you won’t fail.

If your outfit is perfect, the right person will notice you at the bar and you fall in love. If you say the perfect thing in a meeting, No one the laugh and you’ll get ahead at work. If you post the perfect thing on Instagram, you’ll get more likes if you act like the perfect daughter, wife, husband, colleague. No one’s gonna judge you. Perfectionism is a defense mechanism. And wherever you’re focused on perfection, your life is probably out of control.

Perfectionism is defined in the dictionary as the refusal to accept any standard short of perfection. Want to know how I define perfectionism? It’s someone who is afraid of failing. And there’s a perfectionist in all of us, in you, in me and everyone. So before we jump into this coaching session, ask yourself, where do I struggle with perfectionism? Where am I trying to be perfect? Where am I? Busy preparing, but not actually working towards something.

You know, I struggle with perfectionism on social media. Yep. Every single post I agonize over the caption, the photo, the video at it. For years, I told myself I was doing it because I’m so committed to making an impact in your life. And building a brand. Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup bah. Got to manage the details. Got to be perfect. And that’s true. I am committed to making a difference in your life.

I do want you to love everything we post on social media. But after looking so deeply at fear in this project, I realized there’s absolutely a thousand percent. A part of me that’s trying to be perfect. I mean, every time I hit post, I do feel a little afraid. Wait, wait. Should I edit it? Just what should. Does it need a little tweak? Is it OK? And that’s why I micromanage and I try to make it perfect.

I think subconsciously, if I just put up the perfect post, you’ll like it. You’ll share it. My reach will grow. It’s not an easy thing to admit, but there’s a perfectionist in all of us. I bet you’ve agonized over something. You know, maybe it’s not social media, but I guarantee you you have agonized about an email that you needed to send your rewrote it. You had somebody else read it. You sat on it overnight.

You rewrote it again. And I’ll tell you why you did that. It’s because the moment you hit send on an email, you lose control. That’s why you hold onto the e-mail until you think it’s perfect. And wherever there’s a perfectionist, there’s somebody who’s trying to stay in control. But they’re doing it the wrong way. You’re about to meet a woman who sets standards so high for herself that she’s terrified to even try her self-esteem is plummeting. And she’s feeling both paralyzed by the idea of making even the smallest mistake.

And she’s also frustrated with her inability to move forward.

Perfectionists are doing everything they can to maintain a false sense of control because of fear. Now, this is a life changing conversation because by the end of it, you will understand the fear behind perfectionism. You don’t have to try until it’s perfect. Which, by the way, will be never. As you listen to Heather’s story, you’ll not only see the relationship between being a perfectionist and fear, you’ll also see a fascinating fact. The tiniest moments of feeling out of control as a kid can impact your entire life and determine whether or not you get control of your future.

And I’ll back this up with a tremendous amount of research that’s been done by Carol Dweck at Stanford about the fact that how you’re praised as a kid will either put you on a path of feeling a sense of control over your life or it will spiral you into always feeling out of control.

And that’s exactly what happened to Heather.

Let’s meet her right now. My name is Heather. I’m 29, I’m from New York City. No children yet. I’m engaged and I do marketing for a living. So now tell me, why are you here?

I’m here to get over the fear of things that scare me the most important to me as owning my own business. My biggest fear is waking up one day and realizing that I wasted my life not doing the things that I really wanted to do. It’s impacting my life and that I kind of do things half ass. I only do things that I feel like I can succeed at. And as a result, I feel like I’m not living up to my potential and I feel like I’m only half living.

I want to own my own business, and I know that, like everybody wants to own their own business. No, they don’t. Well, I feel like OK, well, it’s all over the Internet.

So that’s all that you see, too. And then you don’t need and feel like it’s everywhere. Yes. Yes, definitely. Yeah. Is it creating some panic or sense of urgency? And so. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I went to grad school about three years ago and I had a business plan and everyone’s like, this is a great idea. And I felt really empowered by it. And then I got out of school and I said, okay, next year I’ll start. And then the next year I’ll start. And I take steps to start it. And then I get freaked out and I stop. And my 30th birthday is next week. And I’m like, oh, my God, where did all of the time go?

And not that I’m old by any means, but I’m just like, if I don’t do this now, when am I going to do it?

Never. Yeah. And so I have the time to do it now. I have the resources to do it. Now I have the support to do it now. So I. Why am I not doing it?

We’re going to find out. Yeah. So what was the business and what did you study?

I studied marketing and this kind of goes back to my fear of always failing is that I really wanted to go to business school. And I kind of half assed my GMAT the first time I took it. I didn’t I didn’t really study. I just kind of wanted to see where I would take it or get my results where I got in the seventh percentile of of math. Okay. And I took advanced calculus like I am not I’m not dumb. And it just freaked me out.

Okay. Like. Tests have always been this way for me, OK? I remember the first time when I was in third grade, I got a ninety three and a test hand like, oh my God, I’m so screwed up. I started shaking and because I got to ninety three, not 100. And my teacher had to like take me into the hallway and help me calm down. And it’s always been an issue for me to be perfect.

Yeah. When’s the first time that you remember feeling like you weren’t going to do it right.

I remember I was like maybe 12 sitting in a sitting in the car with my mom. And I got really upset that I didn’t know what I wanted to go to college for. Yeah, and I was 12. Like, looking back on that, I’m like, oh my God. My mom said, well, I don’t know what I want to do. So. And I was kind of like, but that’s the point. Like in the most respectful way possible.

I don’t want to become you. What does that even mean? I think it means that. I don’t want to not figure it out, I want to figure it out and I want to do it. So do you think growing up as a kid. Was it that you thought your mom was unhappy or that you looked at her life and said, that’s not what I do want to do with mine?

I have two sisters, and she quit her career for us, and she stayed home for 18 years and it felt like she was always serving us for lack of a better word. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Was she unhappy about that or do you feel guilty that your mother gave up her career to take care of you? I think both. This isn’t related to your mom.

It’s related to how you internalize. Yeah. Watching your mom say, I still haven’t figured it out. And you have a ingrained need to have the answers. You have an ingrained need to be in control. Totally. Yeah. Where does that come from.

It was never liked in my family. It was always stressful and it still is that way. I think there’s just always this level of expectation of perfection and achievement. And it didn’t even need to be said. It was just always there.

Did that come from your dad or from your mom? From both of them? Yeah. But also myself, too. Well, you learned it. Yeah. You know, one thing I’ll say about parents is. In situations where there’s not abuse, right? When you are not in a situation where you were had no or abuse physically. Most parents are just doing the best they can. Totally. Yeah. And so this isn’t a conversation about blaming your parents because they were just doing the best that they could.

It’s about you uncovering how you absorbed the environment that you grew up in, in your nervous system. So any situation that you’re in as an adult, that reminds you of what it felt like to be a 12 year old girl, you don’t remember that situation, but your body sure does. Your body doesn’t forget. Your body is in the driver’s seat. So whether it’s a test or even the moment you’re about to send an email to your boss or make a presentation to a client and you start to have that fear that things are going to go out of control or you can’t control this or it’s not going to be perfect.

Yeah. What happens in your body so before your thoughts start to spiral? Where do you feel the fear come in? Like physically, where do you live?

We have a need to be in control and we start to feel that things are spiraling out of control. It triggers your survival mechanisms. And so for you, there is a lot about your childhood, not because it was traumatic, not because, you know, you’re getting beaten or sexually abused or something like truly horrific, but day in and day out. What was happening is as a young child, you were questioning whether or not you belonged and you were feeling that things were out of your control.

And when those get triggered, you can feel a pit in your stomach. You can feel your heart race. You can feel your throat get tight. Your hands can get clammy. People describe a wave coming in. People feel nauseous. People’s faces get hot. There is some kind of physical response that comes in before you even start thinking about what’s going on. And so for you, what does it feel like when you start to feel that things are out of control?

Crying. Crying. Yeah. So immediately goes to your eyes. I am crying right now, but, yeah, and it’s crying is something that I’ve struggled with my whole life and it’s so frustrating in a business setting. I have the maturity of I know that I can and but I feel my eyes start to well up and I don’t know how to stop it. I’ve tried power posing in the bathroom stall before meetings.

I’ve tried doing the five second rule. I’ve tried biting my tongue. I’ve tried. I don’t know how to. And it’s so frustrating because it shows other people that you’re losing control. Yes. Yes. At night you’re becoming vulnerable. And yes, in a business setting, that is the worst thing.

Absolutely. Particularly in a business setting. So the first step, Heather, in taking control over the way that your body responds is to follow the fear. Yeah. And locate where that fear begins as a sensation in your body. And the reason why I want you to do that is because this is a pattern. And you’ve been repeating it in your body for 20 years. And you’re not going to be able to stop it until you can fully see how it begins as a feeling.

And then once it’s a feeling in your body, what is it triggering you to do? Because you can’t control something you can’t see. So before your eyeballs start to well and you can feel yourself crying, what happens in your body before the tears? Because you can feel it coming. So does your heart start to tighten before you cry? Yeah. Do you start to feel a rise up in your throat? Let’s break it down. Because what what happens?

I think for you, there’s probably some kind of a wave of feeling. Yeah. And as you you don’t even realize this yet that there’s a pit in your stomach or there’s a tightening in your chest or there’s something that happens before the welling begins. And what I want to get to the bottom of is where does it start? Because by the time it gets to your eyeballs, it’s too late. The way that’s happened. Yeah, I think.

Because I feel it right now. OK. It’s in my chest. It does come up because when I’m when I feel like I’m getting upset, my throat tightens. And you’re right. And then once it hits my eyes, it’s like it’s all over. Yeah.

So the reason why I’m focusing on where it starts is because if we can teach you. To recognize the body sensations that are getting triggered by day to day life because of these fears. We can probably get you to be aware enough to go, oh, I’m feeling out of control about something. Yeah. And to talk to yourself so that you talk down that fear before it hits your eyeballs and starts coming out as tears. Because it’s automatic for you.

The response for you is, oh, my gosh. I’m sitting in a test and everything was fine. And then there’s one question that I don’t know. And my chest gets tight, you know, and it starts to rise from my body all the way up. It’s like what I want you to visually think about is that in your chest. That’s where the uncertainty gets triggered. Right near your heart. And then a wave comes up and the wave is going to trigger thoughts that are really negative.

And we want to stop that wave and not have it leave your chest because you’re getting triggered all day long and you could be triggered by anything. Yeah, because what’s getting triggered is a sense of control. That’s it.

And the thoughts that get triggered, I’m sure, like I’m not good enough and I don’t want to do this. Yeah. La, la, la, la, la. And as a young human being, being in an environment where mom was tense and the expectations were high from dad and there is a lot of emphasis on getting things done and doing it right and getting perfect grades. A lot of pressure to keep up with the Joneses like that. It feels like life is about getting somewhere.

Life is about checking boxes. Life is about the things that we need to accomplish. And working harder and that there’s never that moment where you’re just present. And so as a kid, what that means is it means that you’re always on.

And, you know, our body operates at different speeds. And I’m going to share with you something that somebody shared with me recently. And the and the new cars we pull up at a at a stoplight. And the car starts to idle. And then it turns itself off. The first time that happened, I almost had a heart attack. Oh, my gosh. The guards. But it’s interesting because I think when you’re president, it’s sort of like that moment at a stoplight where you pull up your idling and then the car turns off.

That’s the moment of being present. Yeah, you’re not doing anything. You’re just sitting there. The engine’s not running. You’re just there. It’s peaceful. And then all of a sudden the car turns back on, you hear the engine rev up again, and then you hit the accelerator and go. And in your childhood, it sounds like there were never those moments where the engine turned off. And mostly you were moving 60 miles an hour. And when that’s your experience inside your own body, your body is under stress.

So it’s not even what you’re thinking about. It’s not even that you’re thinking, oh, mom’s upset. She’s got to do the laundry. She’s always upset. She’s got to do this. She’s got to do that. Her life seems hard. She doesn’t seem. It’s not even the intellectual stuff.

It’s that your your own nervous system is absorbing all of that uncertainty, all of that stress. And when your body runs all the time, it burns out. Yeah. And so you strike me as the kind of person whose childhood was. One where you’re always on alert. Always looking out for is mom gonna be upset today, is this test gonna be good enough? Is dad going to be happy with whatever it is that he’s done and what you always thought was no.

And then, like a lot of kids, it sounds like you took it on. To fix it, if I just get better grades, then they’ll smile. If I just get into this school, then it’ll be OK. Yeah. And then you get to that point. And that it it doesn’t stop. It’s just. What’s the next? And that’s happening in my career where I think. Let me get this promotion and then I’ll be happy. And I get the promotion.

And then I think. But I’m not happy. So now I have to get to the next one.

So many of us live that life. And we’ve been trained to. And the reason why we’ve been trained to is because if you think about school, we got a kindergarten and then you got to first grade and then you go to second grade and then you go to third grade and then you go to fourth grade and then you go to fifth grade and then you go to middle school and then you go to high school. And then there’s the pressure to go to college or to a tech school or to do something else.

And then you get your job and then you’re in your job and then you meet somebody and then you get married and then you’re supposed to buy the house and then you’re supposed to have the kids and maybe get the dog before the kids or after the kids. But then you have a second kid and then you have the point five kid says Ms. Restitute, two point five kids. And then we get and then we get that home equity line and then we put the kitchen addition on.

I mean, it’s like our entire lives are set out in this linear progression as people chase the dream the next. Yeah. And particularly for those of us who are triggered by the fear of losing control, it’s only natural to anchor your feeling of being in control, to chasing the next thing. And so not only are we all socialized to believe that we’re supposed to climb this ladder, we’re supposed to do things in a linear progression. We’re supposed to get to the next thing.

We’ve also been marketed to by society that we’ll be happier if we have a new car. We’ll be happier if we have a better dishwasher. We’ll be happier if we have the skin lotion that’s got the almond scent. And we are also psychologically anchoring our sense of control and our sense of happiness on achieving those things. And what you’re experiencing is no different than what millions and millions and millions of us experience. And that’s that emptiness that you feel when you buy the lotion that smells like almond butter.

And it doesn’t make you happy or you get the promotion and you. Have an extra hundred bucks in your paycheck after taxes. And it means you can buy the 14 dollar chardonnay, not the ten dollar Chardonnay. And it doesn’t make you happy. Yeah. You think that it’s about the next thing that you just kind of go from one thing to the next thing to the next thing you climb the ladder? Yeah, that’s the latter life where the next rung is gonna be better than this one.

And then you get there and you’re like, shit. It’s not only the same as the last one. It starts to feel worse because this didn’t make it better. Right. And the quiet desperation sinks in. And the reason why is the. I’ll be happy when life the chase, the carrot life the get to the next thing life. That requires you to be driving. Let’s use the car analogy again to be going 60 miles an hour at all times.

And happiness is achieved through a different formula. It happens when you’re sitting at the light and you’re eitel. When you’re in the moment doing things that make you happy and that’s being with people that you care about, it’s engaging in experiences that make you happy. And it’s just working on things that are important to you. And one thing that I know is that if you stay in this job and you continue to do this formula of get to the next thing, get to the next thing, gets it in my stomach.

You did? Yeah. Oh, excellent. So why did I go?

I’m not going to. Well, let’s go back in your body. So before the tears come, let’s go back in your body. Why did your stomach tight? What triggered it?

Because this my fear is staying in this job. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I’m crying.

That’s OK. That’s all right. It’s gonna take some practice. But the fact that you caught that your stomach got tight first. Yeah. Genius. Awesome. So you can do it so. Oh, my stomach got tight. I’m worried about losing control. Makes you feel out of control.

It does. Yeah.

And it scares you to think about being in that life. And the great news is, is you’re not even 30 yet. And you’ve seen the trap that the vast majority of people fall into that trap, being that you can buy happiness with a promotion, that you can buy happiness with a nicer car, that you can buy happiness with a richer boyfriend. You can’t do it. Yeah, happiness is about what you’re pursuing in this moment. It’s about the relationships that you have.

There’s actually a formula for it. You’re born about 40 percent, 50 percent. Somewhere in that range of your happiness is genetically set. And the other 60 to 50 percent, depending upon your genetic preset, you have complete control over complete. Which means you can do things and make small shifts in your life that have a material impact on how happy you feel every day. And one of the biggest ones for you is to get out of the. I’ll be happy if I get a promotion trap.

I’ll be happy if I earn more money trap, because it’s not only making you unhappy. It’s triggering your fear of being out of control. It’ll get easier and easier to recognize the pit and then to talk yourself down before it rises up and becomes fully paralyzing.

OK. So we just figured out that this job is making you feel scared because every day that you stay in this job, you feel like you’re losing control over your future. So let’s talk about your future.

Let’s talk about the thing that you want to do, which is also the thing that you’re avoiding, which is launching your own business. Yeah. So you said you applied, but did you actually go to business school?

I have asked you, did you go graduate school?

I went to grads. OK, would you go to graduate school for marketing? OK, well, that’s still a form. That’s still an aspect of business. You go and get a degree in marketing. Yes. And you had a business plan. Yeah. And what was the business?

It was mother of the bride dress business.

That’s a great idea. My older sister was getting married and my mom could not find a dress. And I went to school for fashion and it just struck me that be bridal industry was so saturated, but nobody was paying attention to the mothers who were willing to spend a lot of money to look good. And psychologically, it’s weird because they know it’s their daughters say, but they also feel like it’s their day. Right. So that was my business idea.

Do you still want to do that business? I do. Yeah. So why what is it about it? Like what happens? You graduate. You’ve got this marketing plan. I think it’s a fantastic idea, by the way. Thank you. And what happened? I started taking steps towards it. I had a contact who is a CEO at another label. This friend of mine said, go talk to her. She’s the CEO of a company.

Maybe she can help.

I felt like I was going to school and a presentation.

I had my my little iPod that had my my bleak pitch on it and some shark tank and I got in there. And now is your chest getting tired as your.

No, I was excited. Okay, good. Perfect.

And I met with this woman and she spent the hour telling me her story, her salary, how hard it is in the business. And then if my idea was a good idea, would have been done before. OK. And I left that meeting feeling crushed, but also like, fuck you, I’m gonna do it anyway. I’m going to prove you wrong. And what happened? And any time I take a step towards making it happen. My head tells me this is going to fail.

This is a dumb idea because starting a fashion business is incredibly hard. And the chances of you making it are incredibly slim.

Are you starting to get tight in your chest? OK. So are you starting to feel this? Because I can see that your eyes are welling up. So as you’re telling the story, are you starting to feel it here in your chest?

I think yes, but I wasn’t even paying attention. OK.

Yeah, I know you didn’t even see the tears coming, but I could see your eyes welling up as you described the experience of being told. No. OK. And I bet it felt the exact same way as it did when you got that 93 on the test. You were being told that your idea isn’t perfect. Mm hmm. Heather, I want you to unpack this so that you can really understand that the issue you’re dealing with is how your body is remembering situations where you’re not hearing what you want to hear or you’re not getting a perfect score.

Yeah, you see, anytime you’re in a situation where somebody is judging you. Like that woman did when she said if it was a good idea, somebody would have done it or things don’t go as you plan those types of conversations and situations. They’re not going how you hope.

And that’s going to trigger your body to feel afraid, just like you did when you were little.

Yeah. When you start to talk about the stuff that’s against you, yeah, the lack of control and the fear that that triggers in your body, it’s starting to take over. And so as you have a narrative where you’re stacking up all this stuff, it’s triggering this thing in you. This is how trained your nervous system is around things out of your control. That’s what’s happening. That’s why you cry a lot. Yeah, I’m. In all of how hard you are on yourself now, people are always like how they’re such a bitch.

She she’s so hard on other people. It was like if you would leave. No.

What it’s like to. What is it like to be you? It’s hard, but I know that I make hard on myself, like I my worst enemy. I know. I know that. I have no one to blame but me. Well, blaming you isn’t working. Yeah, it’s making it worse. And did your parents tell you that you were smart? Yeah, I was pulled out of my elementary school and put into a gifted program that sucks.

Of well, it sucked for more reasons than one. And I’m going to explain the science behind it. Yeah. And so you go into the gifted program at where everybody’s telling you you’re gifted.

And I’m with these kids, this maybe 12 set of kids from elementary school to high school that are super driven, super cutthroat. It was all about grades. And then the emphasis was all on the grade that you got. And was that really when your self-esteem started to truly plummet, when you went into the gifted program and started to think.

I’m not that gifted, you may be, but I mean, that was third grade. So I don’t know how much self-esteem I could.

A lot. Believe it or not. Yeah, a lot. So you’re seven, eight years old. Yeah. And you start to you’re told that you’re gifted, you’re put into a program. And then you start to internalize that these kids are more gifted than you. Yeah. This is a really critical point. Because you are a classic example of what happens to somebody when they have a fixed mindset. And there is a book that you must read, it will be game changing and it is called Mindset.

OK.

It was written by a brilliant professor at Stanford by the name of Carol Dweck. And she was very curious about people’s mindsets then, particularly what happens with gifted kids. Yeah. And the phenomenon of we can take a kid like you and recognize that you’re gifted at the age of grade three and stick you in a gifted program. And we can tell you how smart you are. And the vast majority of those kids completely flame out. And there’s a reason why.

And the reason why is when you praise somebody and recognize somebody for being gifted or being smart. You start to create what we call a fixed mindset, because we’re only ever encouraging you to think that you’re smart. And what happens for people that are told that they’re really smart and that they’re gifted is that when you reach a point, maybe a grade six or grade five or grade seven, where you suddenly have your first failure and you’ve got a ninety three.

Yeah. Not 100. And the other 11 kids in the pack, they got 100. What you internalize is that you’re not smart enough. And because we’ve only ever told you you’re smart. You’ve made the mistake of thinking I only have a certain amount of smartness and now getting a 93. It’s over. I don’t have anymore. And you feel an immediate sense of a loss of control. Your self-esteem plummets. Yeah. And you don’t know how to do better.

But you’re scrambling because all of you ever been told, is that a smart, smart, your smart, but nobody’s ever told you that it’s all about effort. And so what her research shows is that when you praise people for being smart, they’ll tap out. And when they face their first couple failures, their self-esteem plummets. And they have absolutely no resilience to figure out that they’ve got the capability. Now, conversely, if you create what we call a growth mindset, a growth mindset is teaching kids and adults, everybody, that you have the capability to learn new things through work.

If you work harder, if you work differently, if you work at the problem from another angle. If you try again, you’ll figure it out. Yeah. And when you teach somebody that all you have to do is try again. All you have to do is work a little bit harder. Number one, we’re giving you something that’s within your control. Mm hmm. And we are teaching you how to be resilient when you get a ninety three.

When I get a seven percentile on GMAT. Now just give up. Yeah. You don’t just give up. Yeah. When you have a fixed mindset, which is what you were trained to have, you say, well I’m only this smart, I’m not smart enough. If you have a growth mindset, what you’re trained to think is you’re trained to think, oh, no wonder I got a seven, I frickin didn’t even study. All I have to do is work harder and it’ll go up.

Oh, I got a ninety three. No problem. I must need to look at the trigonometry thing. Yeah, no problem. I’ll work a little bit harder.

Oh this bitch over here in fashion says I’m only gonna make X amount of money and it’s a no problem. I’ll work a little harder. Yeah. And the thing for you that’s critical in understanding this is that the thing about a fixed mindset and praising people for being really smart and gifted. That’s very triggering. And this and this is a classic example of what’s happened to you. Is that how smart you are? Is not in your control. How hard you work is.

How hard you work affects how smart you are. But how smart you are does not affect how hard you work. And I’m telling you right now. What happened to you? Yeah, there is shit going on with your family and your parents are pressure cookers. Welcome to the Northeast. But that’s not the primary thing that you’re dealing with. You’re dealing with the fact that you were told you were smart, but nobody focused on telling you to work hard.

It totally makes sense. And you know, the other thing is, is it’s not so much that you’re not capable of working harder. It’s more that what happens psychologically for a young child. Yeah. Who’s told that they’re smart and succeeds. And then all of a sudden faces the ninety three is your self-esteem plummets and your self-doubt rises. And so there’s an intellectual panic.

Doubt and self doubt is something that plagues me all the time. Someone will send me an email at work and I immediately go to Ischia.

What’s going on in your body right now as you’re thinking about the e-mail? Let’s start. Let’s talk about your body, what’s going on as you think about the email. It’s hard for me to breathe, OK? I feel like I’m not taking breaths. I feel like I’m just. It’s like I’m disrupting a pattern of my body. Exactly. Yeah. So when the email comes in, it’s both making you feel like something out of control is about to happen.

Yeah. And it also triggers the other fears that we have about being part of a group and belonging. And so you’re going to get in trouble. You’re gonna be separated from the pack. Somebody is gonna be upset with you. Yeah. And supernormal, by the way. I think there isn’t a person that is going to listen to this conversation that hasn’t had the experience daily at work where you get an email from somebody and you have that pit in your stomach.

That’s not the problem. The problem is, does it escalate? From the pit in your stomach to negative thoughts, your brain totally. That I feel like I can’t I can’t stop. It’s like this downward spiral. And then it affects my work. And then it affects the next action that I take. And it’s hard for me to move on from it. And I just sit there and dwell and dwell in dwell. And I know that I project on other people what they’re thinking, what they’re feeling, what their intent was.

Yeah. Now you’re projecting what your self-doubt says. Yeah. So you’re not even present with people. And so maybe a really good tool for you to use when you feel the pit in your stomach or you feel your chest tightening. Yeah, because it starts with your body. We know this based on research because it is a fear that we all have that’s fundamental around loss of control or rejection from a group. Everybody’s got it. Yours has taken over and has a really tight connection to then spiraling your thinking.

And so we want to stop it at your body. And when you feel that pit, when you feel the chest tighten. What I want you to visualize is I want you visualize the moment a car is at a stop sign. And the engine goes off. And that’s your signal that I’m gonna turn off the engine and my body for a second. And I’m gonna recognize that this is just bullshit going out of my body. It’s the wiring I’m going to change.

And through some work, you’re not stuck with this through some hard work. Not hard being that it’s difficult, but hard meaning it’s a pain in the ass because you don’t have to do it all the time.

Oh, yes. In the beginning. No, I know.

I’m just thinking of how I’m going to be. Oh yeah. Like, OK.

Here we go. I’m stopped at. Have you noticed how annoying it is with those cars? Every time you every time you pause in traffic, it’s like I’m off taking a break right now.

Right.

And then you got idle a lot. Yes, you should. Because the things that are triggering you aren’t worth.

Oh, God. Not a night at all. No. And so think about your entire day is like being in traffic where you’re inching along. Yeah. And the second the car comes on and you feel the engine rev up, which for you is your stomach tightening, your your chest tightening like the rise, you’re going to have the engine off. And one thing that you can do, one gal on our team talks about how when she feels that rise of fear in her body, her technique is to feel herself in her chair, sort of wiggle around a little bit and remind herself that she’s physically weighted in the chair and get out of the escalation of the wave.

Going up to her mind. Nope, I’m a wiggled out of my chair and I’m an anchor down on my chair, and I’m going to stop the way from going up by wiggling it down. OK. For you, the e-mail comes in, the stomach tightens, it starts to rise up, the chest tightens as the wave is reaching your eyeballs and you’re going to go up turning the engine off from a wiggle down in this chair and sit here and wait to go forward.

And we’re gonna come up with a mantra for you. Because I think it’s important before your thoughts get triggered by fear that you turn your engine off. You settle down into your chair and you have your own montre. And the other thing, since you’re plagued with self-doubt, is self-doubt. It’s just triggered by the fear of uncertainty and the fear of rejection. That’s all that it is. Believe it or not, self-doubt is a protection mechanism because if you doubt yourself and you pull it all in, you’re not exposing yourself to risk and won’t do anything.

Yes.

So we want to get you into the mode of having the growth mindset, which is all about expanding. It’s about trying. It’s about, you know, kind of taking control by taking action. And so it’s OK when the thoughts come up. It’s okay, you know, to doubt yourself it’s gonna happen. But we want you to then turn off the engine, settle in, take a breath. And then for me, my definition of confidence is the willingness to try.

So I feel doubtful all day long about a lot of things, and particularly right now, as you and I are sitting here, there’s a massive new venture that I’m taking on that’s totally new. It’s going to make me put myself out there in ways that I had only ever dreamt about. And it is triggering all kinds of doubt and fear for me and the way that I keep dealing with the body sensations that are getting triggered as I’m on the phone or as I get like I got an email about how I need to pick three different outfits for a video shoot next week in New York.

And I had a pit my stomach. It’s stupid. I mean, I’m capable of picking out outfits. But what it triggered is this is happening and I’m uncertain about what it’s gonna feel like and I’m uncertain about how it’s gonna turn out. And I am concerned about whether or not I’ll get rejected by viewers. And I’m uncertain about and fearful about whether or not I will get rejected by my friends that hear about what I’m doing. And I’m uncertain about whether or not the people I’m working with are going to approve of the three shirts.

And are these the right through?

I’d like. It’s ridiculous. Yeah, but it’s real for me. Yeah. And the things that are triggering me are different than the things that trigger you, but the fears that it triggers, the fear of being rejected and the fear of losing control are the exact same for all of us. And the way that it feels in my body, it’s the exact same as it feels for you. My stomach gets tight, my chest starts to race. My neck gets a rash on it.

My hands get clammy. I’ll start to sweat a little bit if I have to talk through it.

I start crying or I get a lump in my throat. It’s the exact same. Yeah, because it is a survival response, because we’re dealing with fear. So I do the exact same thing that you’re doing, which is I’m going to recognize it. I’m gonna turn the engine off, you know, I’m going to wiggle down into the chair. Like, I kind of wiggle my feet to feel my my feet on the ground to remind myself, okay.

Don’t let the wave go up to your head and have your thoughts hijack you into outer self-doubt, space, fear, not go going there. Yeah, we’re going to stand the ground. And I’m gonna just be like, you know what I often say fucking. Because this shit can be so heavy that I find kind of giving myself a little bit of a. Come on now.

Yeah. Three different insurance and try like, just just move it down the field. Yeah. Yeah. And it works. And I do it all day long because there are always going to be things that trigger me. And you need to start practicing this now, because when you get into business and you launch what you’re going to launch, which you should and you will. The irony is, right before you make the leap, you’re going to feel so out of control because you’re stepping into a new routine and you’re responsible for driving something forward.

And it’s a very different energy than showing up at a job and collecting a paycheck and knowing what’s expected of you and knowing what the routine of the day is. Running your own thing requires you to create those rules and structures for yourself. The irony is, right before you leap, you feel insanely out of control. The second that you start, you will never feel more in control in your entire life. Because you’re in control of everything. Yeah.

And the key attribute that all entrepreneurs have that succeed is we all have a growth mindset. Oh, fuck. But you can change it. You can change it like I’m so happy that you’re laughing because the fix versus growth mindset, it is so well researched. Yeah. And all that a growth mindset is is reminding yourself over and over and over again that it’s about trying. That it’s about effort. And for you, in addition to taking on this physical practice of recognizing fear, rising in your body, turning engine off, settling into your chair and then being like Phuket or whatever your version of it is.

Oh, I like that.

That’s your, isn’t it. Yeah. I want you to hear what I think this is stupid, but it’s going to work. I’ll do anything. Well, no. Not anything good.

I want you to do something. I want you to take on a practice journaling. OK. Where every night before you go to bed or every morning when you wake up. But I think it should be every night before you go to bed. I want you to write down. One thing, if you can think of more, great, but your assignment is every night one thing I want you to write down, one thing that you did today that you’re proud of.

I want you to praise your own effort. I’m really proud of myself for sending that e-mail to so-and-so and doing the work. I’m really proud of myself for putting in the effort and re contacting that designer. I’m really proud of myself for spending two hours today looking at Pinterest boards to try to get inspiration for my dresses. I’m really proud of myself for working on the financial calculations today for my runway, for how long I can work on this before I’ve got to generate income.

I’m really proud of myself for watching old episodes of Shark Tank and doing the work too, because I want you to get into a new habit of instead of beating yourself up in your brain for the stuff you’re not doing and where you aren’t, are recognizing, calling out and acknowledging yourself for the effort that you’re putting in. And as you start to work with people and you start to build a team of interns and you build a group of people that are around you, whether it’s agency support or designers you’re working with.

I want you to build a habit as a businesswoman of praising effort and the people around you. Okay. How do you feel? I feel calm and light. Definitely better than I did before. And also optimistic about the changes that I think I can make you look later. Yeah. What do you think is going to be different going forward?

I think my life is going to be happier and not so much happier one. But I’m hopeful that it will be more of a even happiness that I’m able to know that, OK. Not to be in control all the time and to really change my mindset. In that it’s just OK to try and it’s OK to be. You know, it’s more than OK, you. You’re awesome. And I cannot wait to see your launch. Mother of the dress.

I absolutely love how that coaching session ended, because you can hear the shift in her voice. She seems like she’s in control. She has the tools that she needs. And I cannot wait to see where she ends up. The interesting thing about our conversation is I can’t help but reflect on how incredible it is that one grade on a paper so long ago can make you feel out of control and like a failure decades later. There so many important takeaways from this coaching session with Heather, and I’m going to talk about the major ones now.

If you’re somebody who is incredibly hard on yourself, these takeaways are going to help you immensely if you struggle with perfectionism, literally. Perfectionism is like being a control freak because you’re triggered by fear. And we’re gonna take care of that today. Now, I’m going to talk about the major takeaways from Heather’s session. Now, if you’re somebody who’s incredibly hard on yourself or if you struggle with perfectionism or you’re paralyzed by the fear of failure. These takeaways are going to be extraordinarily helpful to you.

You can start to apply them immediately and they will definitely be game changers. The first step that I want to talk about is that in order to gain control, you must follow your fear. Now, Heather was paralyzed by the fear of failure. What you need to ask yourself is, what are you afraid of? So what am I afraid of? And then ask herself, what do I do when I’m afraid? Now, Heather was afraid to fail.

And what did she do? Well, in any situation where she was afraid that she might fail or get rejected or not know the answer. She literally goes into perfectionism mode. She never puts herself in a position where she might fail or might feel uncomfortable. She waits until she thinks it’s perfect, which essentially means never. And by doing this, by being a perfectionist, she keeps faith control by never, ever, ever putting herself in a position where she’s going to fail.

She focuses on being perfect and that way she doesn’t even have to try. And this started when she was little. You’ll probably remember the story, but just in case you don’t. Here she is describing that first moment of failure. I remember the first time when I was in third grade, I got a 93 on a test. I’m like, oh my God, I’m so screwed up.

I started shaking and because I got to 93, not 100, and my teacher had to, like, take me into the hallway and help me calm down and say it’s always been an issue for me to be perfect.

Yeah. And, you know, here’s the thing about it, it has always been an issue and she’s been doing it so long in response to any situation where she feels afraid that now she’s trapped by it. And so what does she do? Well, just like Dan needed to slow down his busyness. The secret to taking control for Heather and for you is you got to slow down and you’ve got to go and follow that fear that is in your body.

And what I want to do right now is I want to teach you how to be smarter and better equipped to coach yourself through situations where the lack of control and fear that you’re feeling is triggering you to cry or triggering you to freeze or triggering you to feel a pit in your stomach. Because here’s the thing. If you don’t catch the triggers in your body, you will never redirect your mind, ever. It all starts in your body. The second thing that I want to share with you is that the secret to mind control is body awareness.

Feeling out of control begins with your body, not with your mind. You see, fear triggers a physical response in you. The moment you feel exposed and safe, judged out of control, whatever, your body will go on edge. And here’s something really interesting.

Your body reacts to fear and stress before your mind even recognizes that there is a fear or something to be stressed about. And knowing this, that your body reacts first and that the secret to gaining control is through body awareness. This is critical. I want to explain a little bit of research so that you really embrace this idea that the secret to mind control, the secret to getting control of your life starts with following your fear and how it shows up in your body.

You see, there’s this neurologist, an author by the name of Antonio Damasio. And he’s done some incredible research. He’s found that our bodies are designed to sense things around you. And they send signals to you about safety or threats. And your body’s always communicating with you even before your mind reacts to any perceived threats. There was this one study that he did where every single person in the study was given four decks of special cards and with each card the player either won or lost money.

The subjects in the research project were told to turn over the cards one by one from any of the four decks. And what they didn’t know was that the decks were rigged. Two of the decks had higher payouts, but way more severe penalties. And choosing these decks eventually resulted in losses for the participant. The two other decks and lower payouts, but a much greater chance of coming out ahead. So the subjects ended up ahead by choosing from these decks.

On average, it took most participants about 50 to 80 cards to figure out which decks had the greater chance of coming out ahead. Now, here’s where it gets really interesting and why it relates to you. DiMassimo had attached electrodes to Subjects’ Palms and measured the electrical conductance of their skin. I can’t even say that damn word, but it means that he did some sort of research. So, you know, here they are all wired up. And what he found is fascinating.

Okay. What he found is that after drawing only ten cards, their bodies understood which decks were the most advantageous to draw from. And their bodies actually showed signs of nervousness whenever they were about to draw from one of the negative decks. Those signs showed up as increased levels of body electrical activity. So what does this mean?

It means he proved with scientific evidence that bodies figured out what was happening with the decks of cards. Way quicker than the conscious brain did. The body knew 10 cards in it took the brain 50 to 80 cards to figure it out. So why am I getting all excited about some project related to cards? Let me tell you why. Because it proves that this all starts in your body, that when you perceive that things are about to be out of control, when you perceive that you’re about to face rejection, when you perceive that something’s about to fail, your body responds before your mind even has a clue about what’s going on.

You see, most of us wait until our thoughts spiral to try to start and commerce selves. But by paying attention to your body, you can catch it right away. So I want to train you to notice when it happens in your body and to stop it right in its tracks there before your thoughts start to go crazy. That’s when the moment of choice comes, because if you let the feelings stay in your body, your brain will be triggered and now you’ll be trapped.

If you want to get control, we got to get you to read the signals in your body to quiet those signals and to take control. Here’s also why this is important. And here’s more research. Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor is a neuroanatomist out of Harvard Medical School. I don’t even know what a neuro imad is. Natoma’s days. I can’t even say it doesn’t matter. I mean, she’s very smart. And her work includes something that she calls the 90 second emotional rule.

Now, I like this because it’s sort of like the five second rule. And it actually relates to the five second rule. But let me explain the 90 second emotional rule. It works like this when you experience negative emotions. Your brain triggers the release of the stress hormone called cortisol. And a quick dose of that makes you more alert and ready for fight or flight on edge response that might follow. But staying in a state of stress and alarm isn’t good for your body.

You know that. So cortisol is released for only about 90 seconds. If you continue to remain in a stressed out state after those first normal 90 emotional seconds, that’s a choice you’re making because cortisol is only released for 90 seconds. So you should only be initially stress for 90 seconds. Once the court is all releases over, it’s no longer an automatic response, which means you have the power to choose something different. But if you don’t catch yourself in those first 90 seconds, your body will stay on edge, stressed out, and you will keep releasing stress hormones, which is really bad for your health over the long term.

But if you can train yourself to catch yourself right away, as soon as you start to feel those sensations in your body, when you go on edge, you’re going to be much more likely to be able to calm your body down, slow things down, get control of your mind during that 90 second window. And that’s going to keep you from escalating. But if you wait until, oh, my gosh, my stomach hurts and now I’m thinking and I’m thinking about failure, I’m thinking about what I should do and I’m starting to feel afraid and you get yourself all jacked up.

Most of those 90 seconds will have passed. Your mind will kick in. And next thing you know, you’ve spiraled out of control and you are the perfectionist freak at this moment. I can relate to this because that’s what I’m like. I want to break down the four step process of how you can teach yourself to tune into your body and catch your emotions during this critical 90 second emotional window. And remember, this isn’t something my made up. This is research from Harvard Medical School.

So, you know, this stuff actually works. They tested this. The first place to start is by paying attention to the changes in your body when you go on edge and feel out of control. And why are we starting with the body? Well, it goes back to the card experiment that I just explained to you, because science has demonstrated that your body experiences fear and nervousness and stress and reads the cues around you way before your mind realizes what’s going on.

So if I can train you to pay attention to what’s going on in your body, we can slow things down and take control before your mind hijacks the situation. It’s this amazing 90 second window that we’ve got to play with. I’m about to teach you how to do it. The first place to start is by paying attention to the changes in your body when you go, quote, on edge and you start to, quote, feel out of control.

You know, I had asked Heather to describe what it feels like in her body when she’s afraid and her body goes on edge. I think when she described it, she used the words when the wave hits. Now, here’s a moment from our coaching session when she was starting to feel on edge and listen to how she describes what’s going on in her body. Because I feel it right now. OK. It’s in my chest. It does come up because when I’m when I feel like I’m getting upset, my throat tightens.

And you’re right. And then once it hits, hits my eyes, it’s like it’s all or. So what is your on edge feel like? I want you to think about that for a minute. Like when you get on edge, when your body goes into a state where it’s alert, where it perceives that maybe the person you’re talking to might be critical, where it perceives that the meeting you’re about to have might not go well.

What does that feel like when you start to feel afraid in your body? Well, for me, the body responds to stress, to nerves, to being on edge can be different based on the situation when I’m in the zone, when my energy goes on edge, because I don’t want to disappoint people. You know what I feel? I feel tightness in my throat and it feels like my throat is literally closing in on me. And I get a rash on my neck and it spreads from there.

And then I start to feel really hot in my cheeks. This would actually happen to me when I was at CNN. So I would be on television at CNN and we would start to have a conversation about a breaking news story. And then, of course, being a commentator, you’ve got a debate with people. And as the debate started to heat up, I would feel my throat closing. I would feel a rash on my neck. I would start to feel it in my cheeks.

You know, my stomach, it doesn’t get hot, but my cheeks. They sometimes turn bright red. And I hated not being able to control the reaction. I can remember half a dozen times in really sensitive breaking news stories where I was so nervous about saying the wrong thing on a subject related to the law or to race or to discrimination. I just so wanted to get it right. I wanted to be perfect that this reaction in my body would happen because I was on edge, because I was trying to be perfect instead of just listening and saying exactly what came to mind.

And I remember a number of times where I literally left the set at CNN and I walked straight to the woman’s bathroom to see how bright my face was because I thought, oh my God, I am looking like a tomato on television right now because my cheeks are elf wango. I mean, they’re like literally burning balls of hotness on my face. And interestingly, I never had a full on tomato face. And maybe that’s thanks to the airbrushed pancake makeup that we wear when you’re on high definition television.

But my cheeks were always flush and I usually had some sort of streaks on my neck. So that physical reaction is real. Now, let’s compare and contrast that to a different time in my life where I’ve felt that fear and on edge feeling in my body. That’s times in my life when I would wake up in the morning and I would be anxious about what the day had in front of me. Now, I wouldn’t wake up and have a tight throat or bright red cheeks, but I would wake up and my chest would be tight.

You know, I used to have these recurring dreams where I was unable to speak. This is like a weird thing to share with you, but it’s really true. I haven’t had this dream in a long time. I hope it doesn’t come back because it used to freak me out. I used to have a recurring dream. And I think that this is part of the body awareness thing, too, where I would be in my dream talking to somebody and all of a sudden I would have a piece of bubblegum in my mouth and I would reach into my mouth to try to pull the bubblegum out of my mouth so I could continue the conversation.

And no joke, I would pull it out and pull it out and pull it out and pull it out and pull it out and pull it on blood.

And it was like that trick that magicians used to do with a scarf where they have one scarf that they pull through their hand. And next thing you know, the thing is like 20 feet long and you’re thinking, where the hell did that scarf come from? I would have this dream where I would be an intense conversations and I would have gum in my mouth. And it was a piece of gum that was like 20 feet long and I just could not pull it out of my mouth.

And I think that it had to do with moments during the day where I felt like I couldn’t say what I needed to say, that my own body was on edge about getting the words out. And the dream was the way that I was working it out subconsciously. And that’s a total aside. I’m not even sure I shared it to you, but probably because you can relate to moments or dreams that you’ve had where your body is trying to tell you something.

Going back to those moments where I would wake up with tightness in my chest, I think that it had to do with the fact that whenever I wake up in the morning and I would have anxiety for me, there’s a heaviness about what I have to face and that’s what the weight on the chest is. And so that’s why I would wake up with this feeling of tightness in my chest. The pressure of it all.

You see, the body is holding on to things. The body is trying to send you signals. And, you know, I don’t know what you’re on edge feels like. Maybe you feel like whether you feel at your throat, maybe you feel tightness in your heart. Maybe your stomach starts to hurt. Maybe your hands tremble. Maybe your eyes start to tear up.

I can always tell when I meet somebody at an event or in a book line when they’re triggered by what I’m saying. And here’s how I know. If you pay attention to somebodies body, you can see them shift from being present to being on edge. And what I notice about people is either their hands start to shake or their face turns red like mine used to, or their cheeks and lips kind of quiver a little bit. But the telltale sign is when somebodies eyes just ever so slightly blink once or twice and start to tear up.

That’s when, you know, there is an emotional response that is heading from the body right up to the brain. And normally what happens when somebody tears up is something is being triggered in their body around fear. And now that body sensation is traveling from the body up to the brain to say, shut up, don’t talk about this. Which is why I always say, what is it that’s upsetting you? And then they start to think because the fear is like, don’t talk about this, and I say it’s OK.

It’s just you and me say it. But it takes two prompts because that’s how fast the body will shut you down and help you try to quiet the fear by staying calm. So, you know, if you’ve been tuning into this, you may already be aware of the way that your body talks to you. But what I want you to do is for the rest of today and this week, just pay attention, pay attention when something in your life makes you uncomfortable or straight up scares you.

And notice, how does it show up in your body? And here’s one more thing as you start to pay attention this week to moments where you feel on edge and you’re like, oh, well, my stomach is turning. Oh, my armpits are sweating. Wow. My throat’s tight, huh? My heart’s racing. Something weird is going on. I don’t want you to freak out. It’s a learning moment. I’m teaching you to read a new language, the language of your body.

I want you to pay close attention to all the physical changes that happen because there is power in learning how to do this. And if you’re like me, you may find that in different situations where different fears are triggered. You may have totally different changes in your body. That’s totally cool. So after you kind of go on this little safari of investigating and looking out for the way your body changes, I want you to observe how the changes in your body happen before your mind catches up.

This step of the awareness sounds simple, but it involves you starting to really slow down and tune into something that normally you ignore because there’s a gap. Remember, we’ve got the 90 second emotional rule from Harvard Medical School that cortisol is going to be in your body for about 90 seconds. That’s why your body’s starting to get agitated in that 90 second window. That’s when we’ve got a chance to take control, because that’s just as long as the cortisol is in your body.

When you feel out of control this week or under stress. Pay attention to the exact moment the physical changes start. And then notice the moment your brain starts to spiral. There’s a gap and you’re going to see it. As you become aware of this gap, you’re going to become more in tune with how important it is to pay attention to it, because what we’re gonna teach you to do is to calm your body. Within that 90 second window, see the old you reacted to the physical sensations.

Oh, my stomach’s upset. My hands are clammy. My throat is tight. My cheeks are fireballs. Oh, my gosh. By letting them wig you out and then your thoughts come along and boom, now you’re spiraling out of control. The new you realizes that feeling triggered doesn’t have to lead to a freak out. It doesn’t have to lead to spiraling thoughts. It’s simply your body reacting to a moment of fear or to a situation that feels a little uncomfortable.

But it doesn’t have to define who you are. And in fact, what we know based on the 90 second emotional rule is that there’s only a 90 second window where your body is designed to freak out after that 90 second window. It’s on you. You’re making a choice based on the thoughts that you’re thinking to stay freaked out.

So as soon as you feel changes physically, I want you to label them. I want you to use a tool that will help you take control of your body’s stress response. If you activate something called the vagus nerve, you can literally turn off your fight or flight stress response. So here are some things that you can do that work that are based on science, that work within that 90 second window that will help you disappear, the stress in your body and get control before your brain checks in and spirals you out of control.

First of all, you’ve got to slow it down. No, we follow the fear. We slow down. You can breathe slowly and you can count to 90. That’s it. You can count backwards from 90. That’s a kind of simple, huh? If you can, you can breathe slowly and get up and walk around. You can do 90 seconds of exercise, like pop down into a plank. I don’t know what kind of psycho would like to do that, but that’s according to the research.

It actually works or this is a great one. You can hug somebody for 90 seconds. Make it somebody you know, because that’s a long, awkward hug.

OK, but if you pay attention to your body, you slow things down. You recognize that your body’s getting all jacked up and agitated or getting on edge. You get the fireball cheeks like I do whatever. Tightness in the chest. You get 90 seconds. Let’s use it. Let’s take control. Count backwards to to count up to nine to get up and walk around a 90. Slow down your breathing. You’re in control. Another thing you can do if you’re at work, ground your feet on the ground, feel your body in your chair and take deep breaths as you pay attention to relaxing your muscles.

I told Heather to wiggle down, like shimmy down in her chair. You can do this, too, because getting physical and getting present to the physical seat that you’re in will ground you in the moment instead of letting your brain hijack you in that 90 second window. And the longer and slower you can make your breaths, the more effective you will be at stopping the stress response in its tracks. This isn’t stuff I made up. This is science.

And now that you understand the science, go a little deeper. The stuff that you feel in your body, the tears, the tension, you just learned how to settle it. So now let’s take a look and see where it came from, because believe it or not, this is where it gets cool, in my opinion. All of this stuff that happens in your body, it’s all just stored memories of fear and times when you felt out of control when you were little.

It’s just a pattern. That’s it. Your body learns these things through life experience. That’s why you do this. Your body remembers stuff. And this is a pattern that was created years ago and by the way, so was your reaction to the fear. The things that you do, that kind of quiet the fear and take control in the moment, fate, control is what I call it. You did that when you’re little. That’s why you’re doing it now.

I can’t stress enough how much the fear you face as an adult is just a memory from childhood. That’s all that it is. And we’re going to start by talking about how these moments, the things that your body remembers that lead to lasting issues later in your life. They don’t have to stem from trauma. The next takeaway takeaway number three is that the little moments can have a lifetime impact. And I want to draw a very important distinction here.

You know, that trauma has a lasting impact. Trauma is when something bad happens to you or is done to you. Trauma makes an indelible mark because your brain secretes stress hormones that lock the memory even stronger than other types of memories. And the hippocampus, your brain remembers trauma this way in order to attempt to never, ever put you in that situation again. It’s like a super memory that gets stored in a totally different way in your brain than just the day to day memories.

Now we’re going to be talking more about trauma in some of the other sessions that you’re going to hear. But right now, I want to point to something that’s really important. If I’m being honest with you, which I try to always be, if you think about Heather’s story and I know Heather is going to listen to this, I don’t mean to insult you, Heather, but there’s nothing really traumatic that happened. I mean, it may have felt traumatic, but if we were to define trauma on a scale failing a test and having parents that were pretty uptight, it doesn’t seem so traumatic.

Right? I mean, it’s easy to be Juggy when you hear somebody else’s story. And I’m being dramatic about this because I think you are doing this to yourself, that you don’t realize the small moments from your childhood that, upon reflection, seem insignificant. But when we look at the way your body remembers it, it was actually terrifying. It was traumatic for your body. So for many of you listening, you know, you haven’t been abused.

You haven’t been seriously harmed in a way that caused trauma. And for that reason, you may be wondering, why would you still have patterns that hold you back if you had a relatively benign or normal childhood? Well, here’s the thing. You don’t have to experience trauma to be paralyzed by fear. You don’t. Every single one of us has had moments that, looking back, seemed like the littlest, most insignificant moment that actually had a huge impact on your life.

And in these moments, we felt feelings that we didn’t like feeling. We felt out of control because of evolution.

Your brain does not like feeling negative emotions. And when you are young. Every, quote, failure can feel like it’s life or death. So in order to protect yourself, you developed coping mechanisms so that you hopefully wouldn’t have to feel so out of control again.

As I explained some examples I bet you’ll be able to see in your own life where you have seemingly small events from childhood that created patterns that you can now see today. And you also say that there’s nothing to smaller, insignificant. Anything can create a lasting impact. So stop thinking only about the big things that happen to you. It’s the small stuff that can create a lasting impact. Just think about Heather. It’s not the big stuff. It was a childhood of living in a household where her parents had such high standards that she felt on edge and she was scared of disappointing them.

Here she is describing what it was like. It was never a light in my in my family. It was always stressful and it still is that way. I think there’s just always this level of expectation of perfection and achievement. And it didn’t even need to be said. It was just always there.

Did that come from your dad or from your mom? From both of them. You see your body. It remembers what it was like to live in that household as a kid. It remembers being on edge all the time and it doesn’t want to feel that way. So you start trying to quiet the fear and avoid the situation. And in her case, be perfect. Just be perfect. And your parents will be happy. Just be perfect and. And maybe it won’t be so serious.

Just be perfect. This is where it developed. It wasn’t even one instance. It was what it was like to grow up in that household. And her body remembers. Now, looking back, Heather can now see many moments when perfectionism became her undoing. You know, she wanted to go to business school because she wouldn’t get a perfect score. She didn’t even study. So that way, when she failed, she knew she hadn’t given her best effort.

She did it when, in her words, she half assed business school and picked the program that, you know, was less selective. She did it when she stopped working on her business plan and stopped pursuing her business because she wasn’t sure if the idea would be a big success. And all of these patterns stem back from the belief that she needed to be perfect. Perfection was an eight year old’s idea of assuming control. And what you now know is that it’s a form of fake control.

I have a instance from when I was a kid, we had to take language in my elementary school and I took French because I was told it was easier than German, which I’m sure that it is. And my parents were angry at me, by the way, because my maiden name is Schneeberger. So they felt that I should be learning German, but that’s a whole nother story. So I took French and I absolutely hated it. Absolutely hated it.

And here’s the thing. I didn’t know at the time that I had mild dyslexia. It is nearly impossible to learn a foreign language once you’re past a certain age when you have dyslexia. It’s hard enough for me to read and speak and write English for crying out loud. So imagine how difficult it was for me to conjugate a verb as a fifth grader with dyslexia. I remember being called on in class and having to read a sentence out loud. And I was tragic, just absolutely tragic.

The worst possible French pronunciation in the world. I’m so traumatized by this event that I even remember the French name that I had because everybody had to have a French name in the class and mine was shown tall.

So I got called on. Why would you need a French name? I don’t understand this, but my name was Sean Tall and Sean Tall got called on to read the sentence and I blew it. Like, I panic when I have to read a sentence in English out loud. So reading a sentence in front of all of my peers in the fifth grade and French was just torture. And I botched it and everybody giggled because it was a very straightforward sentence.

And then the teacher made me read it again, picking apart every word, explaining that this was how not to say these words. I was the example of how not to do something. And you know what’s interesting is that I hated speaking in class ever since. I think it’s one of the reasons why my face would probably turn bright red in any other class. So like any other class that I would be in. This happened all the way through law school.

Those cheeks on fire did not start at CNN. This started in French class when I was in fifth grade. And the fear that I was going to be ridiculed. The fear that I was going to say something stupid. The fear that I was going to say it wrong. I still have a very, very difficult time pronouncing people’s names because there’s a moment right before I’m about to pronounce them where my body remembers being called on in French class and saying something wrong.

And so I have this pause where I’m about to read somebodies name. And if I don’t know for certain how to say it, Lytvyn, Levine, Le Vine, I don’t know. I will panic in that moment. My cheeks will flame up and I will mispronounce it because I will let fear take over. It happens like that. And, you know, the irony is that I’m now a speaker for a living. The irony is that I saw on television for four years because I got control of it.

But my body still remembers it. My body remembers the sensation that oh, moment. I’m about to say this wrong and something bad’s about to happen. Take a deep breath. Slow down. And you’ll be OK. I would literally have moments like that 10 times a day in elementary school. I mean, everybody’s got a moment like that. My business partner also has a story, Mandy. She’s amazing. She was told to be quiet during naptime in preschool.

I can’t imagine why. I just can’t. I mean, if you know Mandy, you’ll realize that she is the last person to be quiet during nap time. But she felt embarrassed and she didn’t want to feel that way again. So she started being quiet in class and didn’t speak up, apprehensive to speak up. And that played out into the future. And so you’re not a weirdo if you have a moment like this. I want you to uncover the little moments.

I want you to uncover the thing that you are afraid of. I want you to uncover follow the fear. What did you do when you felt afraid? Mandy, shut up. I literally developed anxiety about pronouncing anybody’s name because of French class. We do something to cope. So what small moments, especially from the ages of five to 10, stand out in your mind? What happened and what did you feel as a result? And specifically what feelings came up?

I want you to realize that no moment is too small because your body remembers. Now, the second thing you’ve got to realize is that you created a pattern to avoid this feeling, not raising my hand in class, not talking in class was Mandi’s with Heather. It was I just got to be perfect. I just got to be perfect. And you did it because it gave you a fake sense of control. Now, in order to not feel this way again, you’re going to have to figure out what is your form of trying to gain control.

Do you have a habit of quitting? Do you stop trying? Did you become a chameleon so you don’t stand out? Maybe started lying in order to cope. Maybe you became a class clown.

Maybe you became so afraid of feedback that you avoid it like the plague. Maybe you’re the kind of person who became really angry or you started playing the victim. These are all just patterns, honestly. It’s things that you do to deal with the fear that you’re feeling. And then the third thing that I want you to do. You’ve gone into your body, you’ve thought about moments where this began, you thought about the way that you gain fate, control.

And now I want you to start to pay attention to how this pattern exists in your life. Today, you have your own childhood and the way it still sits inside you and influences your life as an adult. And one way to take ownership is by becoming more aware of your emotions and patterns as you express them and especially as you feel them. So this week, I want you to start noticing every time you play out the behavior pattern that stems from that, quote, little thing in your childhood, where you silent.

Where are you clowning around? Where are you lying? Where are you trying to be perfect? And what’s interesting is the more that you pay attention to this, the more you’re going to master it and the easier it becomes to notice how this pattern exists in your life. Today. And then finally, and this comes from all of the science around how you update a habit, because lying is a habit. Perfectionism is a habit. Feeling anxious as a habit, not talking in class is a habit.

Avoiding conflict is a habit. It’s a habit you developed to cope with fear. That’s all that it is. And so what we want to do is we want to substitute a different pattern for the one that you have now, something that empowers you. And then we’re going to create a plan for you to do it. So, for example, if you’re like Mandy and the moment of Be Quiet started your habit of staying silent. I want you to plan in advance when you feel yourself staying silent.

You feel your throat tightening. You feel your chest tightening. And you start playing back into your old pattern. I want you to push yourself to speak up. Yes. You’re going to be afraid. Yes. Your cheeks might go fire engine red like mine do. Yes. You’re going to try to resist that. But want action? Just one member, one brick at a time. You’re going to substitute the behavior. And here’s what’s cool each time you do it.

It gets easier. And as you take action and you see yourself updating these patterns, you’re going to gain control. But it all starts inside your body. And remember, even if your childhood wasn’t traumatic, mine wasn’t traumatic, Heathers wasn’t traumatic. You can still become paralyzed with fear based on things that happen to you as a kid. But now that you know the right tools, it’s easy to get yourself on a path toward new habits. Now, in this next takeaway, we’re going to dive even deeper into the idea that things that happen to you when you were young still affect you today.

And we’re going to look back through the lens of how it affects your self talk. Now, Heather is paralyzed by the fear of failure, and she tries to control that a number of ways. Perfectionism, not trying. And the doozy of beating herself up. In this takeaway, I want to talk to you about how you may be overly critical of yourself as a way to stay in control. Let me unpack this for you. So Heather’s really hard on herself, and you may be hard on yourself, too, when you’re hard on yourself.

It’s a coping mechanism. And what you’re doing is you’re trying to attempt to control how hurt you are by turning to self criticism as a way to stay safe from what you perceive others will find fault in. It’s almost like punching yourself. So somebody else doesn’t punch you. Let me explain. If you were criticized by your mom or your dad, it really hurts. So in order to protect yourself from feeling that hurt, you start modeling that same criticizing behavior.

It’s almost like you’re learning how to brace for impact that way. If you’ve been criticizing yourself when somebody else says something nasty to you, it doesn’t matter because you’re already saying it to yourself. They can’t say anything worse than you already feel. In a warped way, it’s how you exert fake control over that situation. Now you’re in control of the hurt that you feel in a weird way. It’s also how you stay safe. You’re no longer on edge because you’re criticizing your self all day long.

There’s no need to be worried about when it’s coming because it never stops. You’re doing it to yourself over and over and over again. And what happens to any behavior pattern that you repeat? It becomes a pattern. So even when you’re no longer hearing those criticisms from the outside world, you’re still criticizing yourself because it’s become a habit. Let me explain this in the context of Heather’s story. Here she is in the moment during our coaching session where she’s describing how hard she is on herself.

People are like how they’re such a bitch. She. She’s so hard on other people because like, if you would. We. No.

What is it? What is it like to be you? It’s hard, but I know that I work hard on myself like I’m my worst enemy. I know. I know that. I have no one to blame but me. Well, blaming you isn’t working. Yeah. There’s really only one thing that works with this kind of pattern, and that’s a heck of a lot of empathy for yourself. What Heather needs to realize is that she wasn’t always her own worst enemy.

It was a pattern she developed to protect herself from feeling hurt. She felt pressure from her family to be successful, in her words. It was, quote, never like my family. They expected achievement and that put her on edge. And in order to avoid feeling like a failure to her parents, who expected her to be successful and to avoid getting criticized by her mom, Heather started criticizing herself. She was always on edge. So by being hard on herself, she protected herself from her mother’s criticism.

I know it sounds odd, but you can’t believe how common this is. She’s being hard on herself. So her mother wouldn’t be hard on her in order to stay safe. She was constantly looking for what was about to go wrong with her parents. That’s how she maintained control, because she could spot it. She could feel it before it happened. And that takes away the uncertainty. But the problem is, it leaves her on edge. She learned how to be hard on herself from her mom.

And so it’s this pattern that feels familiar, which is why she keeps repeating it. And in a weird way, it gives her control because it’s familiar. But here’s the problem. Even though Heather’s 30 and her mom isn’t the one pushing achievement on her, Heather’s doing it to herself. Beating herself up is a mental pattern that she has to change because it permeates all of her life. It’s like wearing a pair of sunglasses that color everything, Amber.

And it’s all you can see. If you have a negative mindset like Heather does, all you’re going to see is negative. She only sees what’s wrong. She constantly beats herself up. She gets an email at work and she gets a pit in her stomach. She literally views the world through a lens. And that lens is really dark.

And that’s a pattern when you have that kind of mindset, one that’s tied to safety. It’s so important to get rid of it because you tend to put a negative lens on everything. So how do you get rid of this deep-rooted pattern of self-criticism? Well, first, the good news. You can. You can. And it’s pretty straightforward. The first takeaway, when you increase self compassion, you boost your feelings of self-worth and you reduce fear and anxiety.

So the next time you have a negative thought about something you messed up or you didn’t achieve or you didn’t do right, or you immediately start thinking, oh, I suck her, I’m never good enough for us, never works out whatever it is that the darkness that puts you on edge. I want you to respond to your own garbage in your head with a statement of forgiveness. Hey, you tried your best. It’s OK that you messed up.

Hey, I forgive you, Mel, for saying that. For doing that. You know, I was deeply hurt when I said that. I understand why I did it. I forgive myself for it. No one’s perfect. It’s normal to make mistakes. The second thing that you can do is you can create anchor thoughts, fill up your tool box with anchor thoughts that work for you. An anchor thought is just a positive image that makes you happy or excited.

And you can call on them to cut off self-criticism. Maybe it sounds something like I’m not perfect. That’s OK. I’m learning something new every day. Or think about a moment when you did something that you were really proud. And next time you start criticizing yourself, say to yourself, what are you talking about? I do stuff that’s really cool all the time.

Remember that time that I won the race or I wrote that great proposal or helped the old lady with the groceries to the car?

Remember that time and anchor yourself down on something positive. Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat. Third, here’s a really obvious and simple thing to do. Please, if your negative. Do not hang out with negative people. Misery loves company. OK, and you need a different group of people. Maybe you’re not naturally a cheerleader. Maybe you weren’t raised by somebody that was really happy and positive. Maybe your mom or dad really struggled and they did the best that they could.

But you’ve become a really closed off negative person. Maybe something bad happened to you.

Surround yourself with positive people. They don’t need to be your best friends. They can be colleagues at work. They can be a neighbor.

There is somebody in your life that always makes you feel better. And guess what? Behaviors contagious, whether it’s positive or negative. So if you hang out with negative people, you’re bound to gossip. You’re bound to talk about negative stuff. If you hang out with positive people, that’s bound to rub off on you. And it’s super easy. Here’s the other thing. If you start criticizing yourself. Think of me. All right, just say what what what would Mel say to this person?

What would Mel do if you can’t talk back to the own negativity in your head? Insert my voice and I’ll do it for you. And the research also shows that when you get objective and you think about somebody else, it takes you out of the habit of talking to yourself the way that you do. So those are for super simple things. The main thing is to understand that speaking to yourself in a negative way, criticizing yourself the way that Heather does it is a habit and it’s one that you got to break.

Now, in the next takeaway, I want to talk about a really important theme from Heather’s session, and that is that your fate is not fixed. This is critical. Remember, Heather told me when she was pulled into the gifted program and was always praised for being so smart. And she grew up in a home where there is always an unspoken tension around succeeding of being smart. And I told her that she had a fixed mindset. That moment in the coaching session was lied.

So I want you to listen to the part where we first talk about this. I was pulled out of my elementary school and put into a gifted program. That sucks.

Well, it sucked for more reasons than one. And I’m going to explain the science behind it in a second. And so you go into the gifted program at where everybody’s telling you you’re gifted. And I’m with these kids, this maybe 12 set of kids from elementary school to high school that are super driven, super cutthroat. It was all about grades. After she told me about being put into the gifted program and her reaction to getting a 93 when she was in the gifted program, we jumped in to this idea of fixed versus a growth mindset.

And I explained to her how this happens. And it’s just critical that you also embrace this in your own life. When you’re praised for being smart, you perceive it as a fixed and inherent personality trait, which means for Heather, getting a 93 on her test in third grade crushed her whole identity. Why? Well, the reason why is her whole identity was tied to this idea of being smart. And when you start to fail, when you think you’re smart, what you internalize is that you no longer have any smartness left.

Your whole identity crashes at eight years old. Heather believed a less than perfect grade defined her from that moment on, and it began a pattern of avoiding failure. This is so classic. And it’s what psychologist Carol Dweck have been studying for decades. It’s called a fixed mindset and a fixed mindset. People believe their skills and talents are fixed to traits. And therefore, you can’t change. Oh, I’m just a negative person. Oh, I’m just not athletic.

Oh, I just don’t like to eat healthy. Oh, I’m just not that smart. Oh, I’m just lazy. And guess what? You also believe that talent alone leads to success. And for those very few talented people. Oh, they’re just gifted me. It didn’t require as much work as you know, everybody thinks it did. And the other thing about having a fixed mindset is you do whatever you can to avoid failure because you assume that you don’t have the skills and talents to succeed.

And when you’re always trying to avoid failure, what’ll happen is your self-esteem will start to plummet. You start doubting your ability to live up to your identity of being the smart kid. You don’t even have to be in a gifted program, by the way, to struggle with this. It goes for any talent. I mean, maybe you were praised for having a natural talent in sports. Maybe you were really amazing at Pop Warner football. Whoa. And then all of a sudden, you go to junior high and you’re not running as fast as everybody else.

And then you get to the tryouts in high school and guess what happens to you? You get cut. You know what happens for the majority of people when that happens? They stop playing sports because they assume that their talent has tapped out. That’s a huge mistake, because if you had been praised for working hard, if you had been praised for your effort, instead of being told you were a great football player, you would understand the secret to doing anything, which is it’s all about the work.

So whether you’re somebody that flamed out in sports or art or maybe you were really good at music and then you screwed up at some rehearsal and then you quit. This is prime examples of a fixed mindset instead of picking back up and trying again. You decided. That’s it. I don’t have enough talent. There’s nothing more I can do here. I might as well quit the sport that I love or the instrument that I love or the acting that I love and try something else.

People with a fixed mindset are very afraid to be exposed because you believe that talent and skills are something that you have no control over. And that makes you terrified to make mistakes. So you do whatever you can to avoid failure. And this is exactly what happened to Heather. She said she had asked her way through college exams. She’s put off starting her business. She’s paralyzed by the fear of failure. She assumes she’s not smart enough. Now, the complete opposite of a fixed mindset is a growth mindset.

And this is exactly what you want. And the great news is you can teach yourself how to have a growth mindset. And it’s not that hard with a growth mindset. What you believe is that your talents and skills can grow with time and experience. No duh. Obviously. But somehow we get our heads all wrapped up and freak ourselves out and then we get off track. But I mean, it’s so obvious. Of course, your talents and skills grow with time and experience, whether you understand the science or not.

When you have a growth mindset, you recognize that your brain and your skills and your experiences, they grow into your adulthood. You know that the effort that you put in is what determines your success. And so you just put in more time and effort. If you need to achieve something with a growth mindset, getting less than a perfect grade may be disappointing. But it’s not going to break you in half. What you realize is, oh, obviously, I didn’t study hard enough.

I guess I better study hard enough next time because it’s not about your skills or your talent. It’s about how much work you put in. In order to develop a growth mindset, you’ve got to prioritize learning over seeking approval. You’ve got to prioritize growing over perfecting. You’ve got to prioritize growing over succeeding. You’ve got to prioritize trying over being perfect. Focus on the process instead of the result. And if you’re a parent, you’ve got to reward the effort and the actions, not the traits.

What the heck does it mean? It means tell your kid great job. I see you’re working really hard. Don’t say, oh, you’re so smart. Good job on that grade. Reward the effort. People with a fixed mindset attempt to stay in control by not trying. The second you feel out of control, you start to assume or you tell yourself. I don’t know what to do. I’m just not smart enough. And the key is to consistently remind yourself, if I just try, I will gain control.

If I just try, I will learn something. If I just try. I’ll improve. If I just try. I’ll get a little closer. If I work a little harder, I’ll gain control. You know, Michael Jordan’s a really good example of someone with a growth mindset. Arguably one of the best basketball players of all time, the fourth highest score in the league’s history. He may be a household name now. Did you know that Michael Jordan failed to make his high school varsity basketball team when he tried out, failed to make it?

The coach told him he wasn’t tall enough. Michael Jordan went home that afternoon and cried. Now, you don’t have any control over your height unless you’re wearing high heels. You know what I’m saying? And you can’t play basketball in high heels, at least not very well.

Do you know how many people stop playing a sport, something they love because they got cut from a team? That one moment could have had Michael Jordan say, OK, I’m done. I’m not tall enough. I’m not good enough. Career’s over. But you know what he did? He had a growth mindset. This amazing. He went and practiced every single day to get ready for next year’s tryouts. And he practiced even harder and he didn’t quit.

That is a growth mindset. And you know what his mother told him? She didn’t say, oh, you’re right, maybe you’ll grow next year, which, by the way, is not in your control. She said you got to work hard. Do. You got to practice more. You’ve got to put in the effort. Jordan took the advice he put in the time he put in the sweat. And here’s the kicker. What he didn’t know at the time was that the coaches didn’t choose him because he was a sophomore.

Jordan wouldn’t have even seen much playing time on varsity team. They wanted him to get more time on the court to develop the skills. That’s why they cut him. So he’d actually play more. What if he quit because he perceived it was a failure to not make the team think of how many people quit. Think of how many people could have become what they dreamt of, but they didn’t because they had a fixed mindset. They didn’t think they have the talent.

Think of all the potential athletes and artists and musicians and entrepreneurs who quit before they put in the effort. Yeah. I kept practicing. It’s one of the hardest working players during his time in the NBA. Years later, he’s remembered for the legend that he is holding the NBA record for the highest season, scoring average, earning 14 awards among many highly acclaimed accolades. Jordan has gone on to use his growth mindset and other challenges of his life, even after his NBA career ended.

He uses the pain of rejection to drive him to work harder. You know, it’s interesting. Before I jumped in the booth to talk to you, I was watching a commercial and it was some from, I think, 2012 with Michael Jordan. And there’s a quote in it. And you know what it said. The reason why I’m successful is because of failure. Failure is the reason for my success. You see, he understands that the more you try, the more likely you’re going to fail.

But success is a numbers game. You’ve got to try over and over and over and over again, which comes back to the growth mindset. It’s not about how athletic you are. It’s about how hard you work. And if you’re sitting there and you’re bummed out because you realize, oh, my God, I got cut from my high school soccer team that I never played again. Don’t let that happen to you moving forward. You can achieve anything through work and effort and you can change your mindset when you start to tell yourself it’s all about trying.

If I don’t get what I want this time, work a little harder, that’s all. What’s the message in the mess? How do I take what I just learned in this rejection and then go and work harder? So the first thing you need to do, which Dweck discovered in a research on creating a growth mindset, is the importance of hearing the fixed mindset voice in your head. Now, for many people, Heather included, they didn’t even know they had a fixed mindset.

So here are some real telltale things that people say if they have a fixed mindset. Are you sure you can do that? And what if you’re not talented? Why do you fail? I mean, you’d be failure. People will laugh at you for thinking you head down if you don’t try. You can protect yourself. This would have been a snap if you really did have talent. It’s not too late to quit. If you just make an excuse, you can keep yourself from looking like a loser if you fail.

You’re going to show the world what a failure you are. These are hallmark fixed mindset thoughts. I want you to become aware of these thoughts and notice them if they come up. The second thing you need to do is recognize you got a choice when you face criticism, setback, failure, whatever. Realize that you can choose how you want to view it. Do you want to put on the negative glasses and quit? Or do you want to basically say to yourself, oh, I guess it didn’t work hard enough time to try a new strategy.

The third thing you can do when the voices in your head turn to the fixed mindset is talkbacks is a pretend you’re me. When the fixed mindset says, are you sure you can do that? Maybe you don’t own the term and maybe you’re not as good. You think the answer is no, I’m not sure I can do it, but I think I can learn with time and effort. The fixed mindset. What if you fail? The whole world’s gonna know you’re a failure, too.

Michael Jordan got cut from his high school basketball team. Every successful person had failures. When the fixed mindset says this would have been a snap if you had the talent, you know, you say back you’re wrong. A science wasn’t easy for Thomas Edison. And look what he accomplished. They just put in the effort. Look, when you hear the voices in your head, respond right away. And over time, as you recognize that fixed negative mindset coming out, you just talk and slap it back.

You got that. And you’re going to find it’s easier to take action because I want you to focus on trying. I want you to cultivate a growth mindset because you deserve to. And having a growth mindset makes achieving your dreams and taking control of your life a heck of a lot easier. Because you know what?

It’s not about talent. It’s not. It’s about how much work you put in. So now that you’ve learned about fixed mindsets, let’s talk about another thing that can help you take control over your life. If you want control, expect to hear no. OK. You’re going to have to be like an annoying teenager asking for the keys to the family car. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. And one Saturday night, suddenly your parents say, yes, you have to expect the no.

You’ve got to fundamentally change your relationship to know. Heather was told no by one person about her business and it crushed her. Do remember that story where she wrote the business plan for her dress business and she went to somebody in the fashion industry and the woman didn’t like it. Here she is telling the story. I met with this woman and she spent the hour telling me her story, her salary, how hard it is in the business. And then if my idea was a good idea, would have been done before.

OK. And I left that meeting feeling crushed, but also like, fuck you, I’m gonna do it anyway.

Are you gonna prove you wrong? And what happened? And any time I take a step towards making it happen in my head, it my head tells me this is gonna fail. This is a dumb idea because starting a fashion business is incredibly hard. And the chances of you making it are incredibly slim. Did you hear the fixed mindset where she said, anytime I take a step toward making it happen in my head, my head tells me this is going to fail?

This is a dumb idea.

That is a fixed mindset right there. You’ve got to smash that with a hammer right now. And let me tell you some. You know, that lady, she did Heather a favor. And let me tell you why she’s right. It is incredibly hard to start a business and the chances are incredibly slim. That’s true. And you want to know why? The chances are incredibly slim.

Everybody gives up. Everybody gives up. You want to know the secret to success. Keep trying. It’s really that simple. Keep trying. It’s slim because everybody chickens out. Everybody gets paralyzed by fear. Everybody has a fixed mindset. The people that are successful and there’s only a few of them in every single niche business are the ones that keep showing up. And that’s gonna be true for you, too. A thousand percent.

It was true for Michael Jordan. It’s gonna be true for you. It’s gonna be true in anything that you want to succeed in. So not only expect to hear a no embrace it. You know, I saw this incredible thing from Kevin Hart, the comedian, a couple days ago. He’s out doing a promo for one of his new movies. And he was talking about at a high school. The reason why he’s successful. I loved this video so much.

And what he told this group of high schoolers is he said he is successful because he did something that most comics won’t do. He heard three thousand six hundred and seven no’s and he kept showing up. He started expecting a no. It became like a joke and he kept showing up for auditions. Anyway, that’s the game, folks. That’s the game. The game of being a successful comedian is not standing onstage and telling jokes. It’s facing rejection.

The game of launching a successful business in the fashion industry is not designing dresses. It’s facing rejection. Everybody wants to jump to the end of the damn race. What nobody understands about being successful in any business is that you don’t earn the right to success without at least putting in 10 years of hard work and struggle and hearing 3000 knows that’s the game. It doesn’t matter how smart or talented or what a seamstress or a ball dunker or a joke teller you are.

It doesn’t matter because if you don’t step into the game, you’re not going to win it. And the game is not designing dresses. The game is showing up. The game is knowing. You will hear, know and showing up again and again and again and knowing you might get cut from six teams and you might hear 67 people in the fashion business tell, you know, the game is showing up and facing rejection. It’s a numbers game. And the question is, once you get told no.

Do you have a growth mindset? Can you say, OK, there’s my now, what did I learn from this? All right. Five, four, three, two, one. Let’s go next. Looks like I got to work a little bit harder. Looks like I’m on track to beat Kevin Hart’s record of three thousand six hundred and seven knows. I’m going to go for three thousand six hundred and eight because the one thing I do have control over is whether or not I continue to show up.

Period. End of story. If you’re focused on the no, you can’t control the no or the yes. You can only control your effort. And guess what? That’s good news because you can keep showing up. Look, you can’t control whether or not people are gonna say, yes, we’re going to say no. But you can control the effort. You can control whether you show up again and again and again and again. And if you keep showing up again and again and again and again, eventually, eventually you’re going to get what you want.

The person who wins in this game is the one that shows up one more time than the person who just quit. And you can decide to be that person. Look, I get it. You don’t want to hear the nose. I get it. You want to be perfect. There is no such thing as perfect. The only thing you have in this world is your willingness to try. And you are a thousand percent in control of that and you better get comfortable with it.

Now, I want to talk about the final away. Please stop living the latter life. You know, people used to say you got to climb the ladder of success. You know, I think that image screwed up a lot of us because you begin to think that there is this certain linear step by step the fine sequential path that will lead you to happiness. And you know what? Heather’s living the latter life. She’s bought into the myth that if you’d just follow the order of what you’re supposed to do, you’ve got to get the good grades and you get a good college.

Then got to get a good job. Then you get a nice guy or gal and then you get married and then you buy a house and then you have some kids and you get the promotion and then you’ll be happy. And, you know, here’s the thing. She followed that advice, but she isn’t happy now. And she’s still stuck in the latter mentality. She thinks, oh, I’ll be happy when I get the next rung of the ladder.

But each time she hits another road, she still feels empty. That’s because climbing the ladder doesn’t make you happy. Climbing the ladder, thinking it’s about the next promotion or the bigger house or the kitchen renovation or the nicer car, the different person. You’re going to whatever the hell it is. It only gives you a fake sense of control. And by the way, you want to hear what it sounds like to live a latter life. This is how Heather described it.

And then you get to that point and then it it doesn’t stop. It’s just. What’s the next? And that’s happening in my career where I think, let me get this promotion and then I’ll be happy and I get the promotion. And then I think but I’m not happy. So now I have to get to the next one. So why do we climb the ladder? Because as you climb each rung, you think it’s giving you control. You think that if you just focus on the next thing, that’ll be happy.

If I go to school, if I get a job. If I do this. I do that if I have the perfect rule of law. But it is work that way. Heather lives as if there’s something missing in her life.

And if she could just climb to the next wrong, then she’ll be happy. So she gets the promotion that she wanted and she thinks that’ll make her happy. But it doesn’t. And she doesn’t know why she’s not happy, even though she’s done, quote everything right. What she has, she’s successful. She’s about to get married. She’s in great shape. She’s got money in the bank. And look, if you went to college and then got a job and then got a better job.

Check, check, check, check, check, check the boxes. Isn’t it interesting? It doesn’t guarantee happiness. Even though you thought those things, if you controlled them, that would make you happy. This is what we do to seek control, we stack up the things we’re supposed to do to achieve and then we achieve them and then we don’t feel happier, we don’t feel like we’re in control anymore because, my God, that didn’t make me happy.

So now what do I do? What you do is you get off the ladder because the ladder doesn’t bring happiness. In fact, it’s being perpetuated by marketers who want to keep you buying stuff that you don’t need and keep you in the trap of thinking you need.

More, more, more, more, more. Just a little more. Just a little better. Just. And you’ve experienced this. You’ve gone for something and then getting it doesn’t make you happy. Here’s the truth. We’ve been marketed a lie. This is not how you find happiness. The problem isn’t that you don’t have the job or the house or the degree. It’s how you feel about yourself right now. If you’re unhappy, like Heather is, getting more accomplishments or things will never make you happier.

In order to stop chasing the ladder, you need to start cultivating authentic happiness rather than beating yourself up with the whip to achieve more. You know, I shared earlier about how I felt the same fear that Dan did when my life was off track, when I was a lawyer and I could see the future. I mean, I was on the ladder, Chris, and I just bought our first house. I was in a law firm, had to bill a certain number of hours.

Then you become a senior associate and then you become a junior partner. Then you become a partner. Have a couple kids. Get a dog, renovate the kitchen.

We’re gonna live happily ever after. Now, luckily, within the first few weeks of being at that job, I knew it was a ladder that I didn’t want to climb. If you feel that way, please let this be a wake up call. Maybe you want to re listen to dance session or take a look at the workbook where we have some exercises designed to help you find real happiness and passion, but recognizing that you’re in the trap of going to the next thing and going to the next thing and going to the next thing.

That is a huge breakthrough. And the only way to get off the ladder is to realize that climbing it is not going to make you happy. Happiness only comes from within. And I want you to think about Heather for a moment. If you were coaching Heather, what would you tell her to do that would make her happier? The answer’s right there, isn’t it? She needs to start working on that damn business. She’s a try. She needs to put in the effort.

She needs to stop being paralyzed by fear, because if she were to start trying on her business and start cultivating a growth mindset, she’d be so proud of herself, she wouldn’t feel so stuck. The same is true for you, that happiness comes, that authentic sense of pride when you see yourself moving in a direction that your heart is tugging you, when you see yourself slowing down and quieting the fear by taking real control. It comes when you stop berating yourself in your head.

And you learn how to speak more kindly and more encouraging to yourself. That’s when you’re going to feel happier. There were seven major takeaways in Heather’s session. And so I want to just summarize them real quick before we jump into the next session. First of all, follow the fear wherever it is that you are stuck in your life. Just ask yourself, what am I afraid of and what do I do when I’m afraid? For Heather, it’s obvious she’s afraid of failing.

And what does she do? She does anything possible to not do anything. She focuses on being perfect. She tells herself not to try. She tells herself she’s going to hear a no. She talks negatively to herself. All of which paralyzes her and keeps her from doing anything. Second, the secret to mind control is body awareness. When you feel out of control, your body state changes before your mind even becomes aware of it. So again this week.

Pay attention to it as soon as your body shifts. You can start taking deep breaths. You can slow things down. You can settle your body and catch yourself before your mind starts to spiral. And don’t forget that 90 second emotional window that you got to play around with from Harvard Medical School. That’s pretty cool stuff. Now, third, little moments can have lasting impact. You developed coping mechanisms to deal with feeling out of control as a kid.

And those patterns still live within you today until you recognize them. And you start to intentionally replace them with ones that empower you. Fourth, you become self critical in an attempt to shield yourself from the criticism of others. Most of us learn this from our parents, but as adults, we keep these negative loops in our heads. It becomes a pattern or habit and talking to yourself negatively. That is a habit you need to break. And you’ve got to learn how to become more positive.

Fifth, your fate is not fixed. This is all of the stuff you just learned about fixed versus growth mindsets, your talents are no representation of whether or not you’re going to be a success. The only thing that determines your fate is the effort that you put in and you are 1000 percent in control of that. Sixth, if you want control, expect an O to get anything worthwhile in your life, you’re going to hit bumps along the way and you’re going to hear a lot of rejection.

So instead of letting the nose derail you, I want you to expect them. I want you to step up to the plate. I want you to swing. I want you to step up. I want you to do it again. Remember, Kevin Hart set the record three thousand six hundred seven. Can you do three thousand six hundred and eight? I think for his lifestyle and living your dreams, we could all do that. And finally, could you stop living the latter life, climbing the ladder of success that society has rammed down your throat doesn’t bring happiness or any real sense of control.

What will bring you real control is following the fear, slowing yourself down and taking real control of the actions that you need to take and the changes that you need to make in order to pursue the life that you want. In the last two sessions, we unpacked fear and how it triggers you in your mind. Now we’re going to step outside your body and focus on how fear can trigger you to act weird about physical things.

Let me give you a few examples. Have you ever been stressed out and so afraid that you didn’t open your mail for a month or maybe you’re fighting with your partner or there’s conflict in your home life? And so you spend all your energy rearranging the furniture every month? Or have you ever shopped and bought things that you don’t need so that you feel a temporary sense of control?

Or have you been so obsessive and you keep telling yourself as you keep pinning things on Pinterest.

If I could just get my mudroom done, my life would be so much better. Or perhaps your life may be so out of control that your bedroom is an absolute disaster. I mean, you haven’t even made your bed in months. Well, the woman you’re about to meet is so afraid to face the mess that her life has become that it’s triggering her to be obsessively controlling about her house, what’s in it, and even who’s allowed to come inside her house.

Now, she’s an extreme example. But what I want you to think about is where are you trying to gain control by focusing on stuff instead of taking a look in the mirror. As insane as it sounds, you know, when Chris and I were going through our worst moments financially, I would go to Wal-Mart and Target and I’d look around for things to buy.

I didn’t have any money to spend on things I didn’t need. What I should’ve been doing was looking for a job.

But I’ll tell you what.

Going to DSW, which stands for Designer Shoe Warehouse here in the United States and wandering the aisles and trying on shoes I couldn’t afford it made me feel normal and incontrol for 30 minutes at a time when I felt like my whole life was spinning out of control.

And this is super common, controlling your stuff, shopping for things you don’t need.

Not opening up mail because it’s a form of escape. So whether you’re blowing off steam by going online shopping or you’re organizing your spice rack instead of paying the bills or keeping your house in your appearance a certain way in order to present an image of an organized life, we all use our stuff as a form of fake control because it’s much easier to obsess over the kitchen than it is to do the work on your past.

I mean, it makes sense, doesn’t it?

And particularly in a world where there’s so much you can’t control, whether it’s the actions of other people, what your mother says, how your partner treats you, whether or not you’re going to get fired or what people are saying about you.

One thing you can always control is an inanimate object. I mean, they don’t talk back to you. You can walk into your closet and organize your shoes, and none of them are going to gossip about you or roll their eyes at you. And as you listen to this session, it would be really easy to judge how out of hand things have gotten for Rose.

But I want you to do something else instead. I want you to use her story to think about where are you being controlling about your stuff?

Where are you being weird about it? Are you weird about the way you manage your e-mails? Are you collecting shoes?

Are you shopping for that? Like, where are you doing this or what? Stress your fears. Are you avoiding because of it?

My name is Rosa. I’m from just outside Vancouver in British Columbia, Canada. I am divorced. I have three children, 1720 and 23 next week. And I’m a secondary teacher as a living.

Why don’t you tell me in your own words what your biggest fear is? My biggest fear is that what I see around me is actually who I really am. And it’s actually driving me crazy. I’m struggling with I’m going to call it declaring my physical environment at home, which I think is a reflection of an internal issue that I haven’t been able to break through. The you know, this isn’t me. Oh, my God. But this is what I see.

I don’t want to believe it. That’s me. And yet I haven’t moved past or figured out how to move quicker through it. It feels like. My biggest fear is that I guess the word is hopeless. There’s no hope. The marriage I was in wasn’t very good. Very verbally, not nice for lack of better terms. And one of the things that always came up in that was that there was always a mess, which I used to laugh at because there wasn’t a mess.

And I thought, you’re hilarious. How can you look at this? And then when a genuine hoarder’s episode came up. Oh, yeah. He would say enemies like, you know, Rosa, if it wasn’t for me.

This would be you you’d be on that show and I said, you’re absolutely ridiculous. Look around. So we have a great house. So I don’t know if that sort of stuck is what it for whatever reason, he left in 2012 and it’s been a slow accumulation of stuff. Mm hmm.

And I thought, you know, I’ll just look at something, you know? Yeah. OK, well, and then it’s to the point where I’m overwhelmed. I’m not yet at a Hoarders episode.

But for me, how far away are you from being one?

I think I’m about halfway there. Really? Yeah. And it’s very unsettling. It’s this is I look at it and I’m like, this is not how I want to live. This is not who I am. I wanted a house that all my friends would just bring kids or friends and, you know, it’d be the house to hang in.

When’s the last time you’ve invited somebody in your home?

Oh, my goodness. We’re talking eight years leased. That’s a long time. It’s too long.

And now my kids are older even. And I’m like, the sad part for me now is that I’ll say, you know, I’m on it.

It’s not that I’m not working on it now. I am. But I feel like I’m such a turtle about it. So I have this one covered, for example, in the cupboard door fell off and I’m trying to get it on and all this. And I said, oh, screw it. So I went and I did all of got new dishes and everything. So that cupboard looks great. Well, it’s been that way for the ten years.

So once I get it done.

So it’s like a little Pinterest board, right, Rashin? Yeah. So on beacon of light going to let’s all go into the kitchen.

I’ll go. I’m it’s possible.

Then I’ll look at the others. That is like, oh my God.

Do you believe it’s possible. I want to say yes, but I feel like I’m hesitating because I do it and then. I want to know. I’ve never been in your house. Yeah. So can you take me to the room? You’re the most embarrassed or you feel the most hopeless around and describe what the room looks and feels like right now.

We’re going to my bedroom. I describe it as a dorm room of some student who doesn’t have the time, even the care to take care of anything.

So my even my bed, which is interesting, is like I’ll sleep on one side of it and I’ll pile things onto the other. And then if I have to change the bed, I take it off the mat and I read pile the stuff back.

It’s just slop fill. And so I have a pile that I look at and I just go, wow, what? Like, where do I even start? And I have this perfectionism thing about what I do too, which is sort of funny because if you look at my binders for work there. Yeah. Packable.

Well, that’s because that’s what you’re showing the outside world. Mm hmm. Well, and my covered in my kitchen.

Yeah. The one that’s open. The one that’s open.

Oh that’s a good point. The one that’s open. That’s so interesting. You already use the analogy which was turtle. Yeah. So when a turtle sticks its head out. Right. That’s what you manage.

But you live inside the shell like you’re the turtle that is sucked itself into the shell. So nobody can say, oh my.

Well, let’s go back in time and tell me about either the first time when you were little. When you remember being really afraid. I must have been like eight or nine months. Okay, well, you know, you need to know, learn how to start doing chores. And here’s the room. This is how you do it. And my guess is I really didn’t want to do the thing. So I grabbed it and I just sort of did a half assed job, if you will, of sweeping.

And she goes, she was just screaming at me like, what are you doing? That’s not what I show. That’s not. You can’t do anything about that. Let me do it.

You remember what it felt like in your body. You’re wiggling your just nervous bubbling. Yeah, like a nervous bubbling, like a like like you’re gonna fall or something.

And what’s happening? Your body’s. Things are bubbling. I’m upset that she’s upset. Yeah. Yeah. Do you remember another time feeling that way? OK. Forty nine. So if I. Why is this why, why? What’s making of that? I remember my dad trying to encourage us in school, and he made the comment. Our backgrounds are telling. And he made the comment that if anybody came home with straight A’s. Give us a trip to Italy.

Maybe I’m a sensitive kid or whatever. But he said that and I was a pretty good student, like a solid B.. That kind of thing. Right.

I cared about my stuff, but that was an incentive for me. I’m like, wow. Wow. Be cool. So I worked my ass off in grade nine and I came home. There were eight courses and I came home with seven days. Was my best report card ever. And I was so proud of that thing. I didn’t get the eight. And the first words out of my dad’s mouth is, what’s that be doing there? And I thought, Phuket.

The Phuket is a coping mechanism. All right. That allows you to not feel the pain of not being acknowledged for what you do do.

I did ask him as an adult not too long ago. Remember that time? Why did you say that? And what did he say? He goes, wow, you know, I needed to encourage you guys to do better and to do well in school. And maybe my other siblings would have taken it differently. But I didn’t. And even as an adult, sometimes he’ll say something and I’ll get a bit. And I’ll mention it to one of my siblings and they’ll just look at me.

Did you just meet Dad?

Like, how is this a surprise? You know, you can I know that in your head.

But what I’m going to get you to understand today is that fear is an experience that happens in your body. There’s nothing intellectual about it.

It’s primal. It’s instinctual. It is. It’s something that gets triggered in the way that your body senses something. And so we’ve already got two fundamental experiences in terms of how your body trained itself to read situations. And one of them was what you described as this bubbling up in your body when your mom said you can’t do it. And started angrily sweeping around in our brains. We can look back on it and be like, wow. I mean, she had six kids.

She probably had a long day. She was probably frustrated.

Yeah, right on day. But. In the body of a nine year old. You don’t ever forget that feeling of getting in trouble. That feeling of separation from your mom, where you feel like you’ve done something wrong. And even though, you know, she still loves you and you know you’re not really in trouble. There is something that happens in your body when that sort of tingling happens, where it hits something very primal in all of us.

You get in your body when you came home and you walk in the door and you’re holding that report card and you got seven A’s for crying out loud. Like, can you remember what it feels like in your body to be proud, to be excited to share this? Oh, before that, yeah. And. Oh, I was just giddy. Yeah, I was excited. And I was going to open up a present. Yeah, of course I like it, you know, it didn’t even matter about the eighth one.

Of course. Right. It didn’t matter about the trip thing. I was like, oh, this is gonna be that, you know? And I remember the Phuket thing was like, well, why? And that’s it. I don’t care about pleasing anybody.

And then the irony is, it’s probably what I’m still trying to do. A thousand percent. Right. This is why you’re stuck. Because you’re not dealing with an intellectual problem. You’re dealing with a physical one, a physical one, fear we have so much marginal, no fear lives in your body and it’s triggering something that got programmed in you a long ass time ago.

So tell me about your marriage. Volatile, in a word. How old were you when you got married? Twenty six. OK, well, what happened? Jaw dropping things that I would say. How? Tell me one. OK. So near the end, I think 2010. I stayed in the home, refusing to leave for two years, finally left in twenty twelve. And during that time, didn’t think anything of contributing monetarily to the household at all.

As a matter of fact, at one point and he wasn’t talking to me, I wasn’t talking him, I was trying to anyway, my son came up to me with a five dollar bill.

And he said here, I said, what’s this for? He said, Dad said to give it to you. He wants to watch a paved for shore movie on the TV. And I looked at the five dollar bill and I put it in one of those page protector’s. And I still have it somewhere in that room as a reminder. What we’re I don’t know. My room somewhere in a drawer. Why? I don’t know. Yes, you do.

Well, at the time I put it there, I thought this is a reminder. Of what this person is capable of. Why the fuck is it in your bedroom? I don’t know. You think I know? Yeah. I came across it the other day and I just I almost said, you know, what am I. So you think all this stuff that’s stacked all over the place? I’m trying to. Yeah.

I’ve gotten rid of a lot of stuff. I’ve shredded a lot of things. And I think that is still sitting there. Well, let’s let’s.

So you guys were married for 18 years. Yeah. It’s like walking. And how was there. Good. At any point. I would never have used those words to describe them. Why did you get married? Because on the charismatic side, I guess it was like us sweep me off my feet type of idea. Right. Mm hmm. Like, he sold everything over there to come over here. When’s the first time that you remember feeling? This is not a good idea.

I am. Was there something specific that was said they worked in or works in construction.

And I remember when he’d get this way, I’d say, you know, this is not a construction site. It’s a home and their children in here. And for whatever reason, he was upset and he came upstairs and called me the C word. And I looked to them and I said, and at that time.

So when he said those that word, the C. Yeah. Let’s go back to your body. Do you remember. Was it. What happened and what you felt. Just a lot of hurt. I don’t think there is any nervousness. More like angry. But angry and upset. I remember crying and thinking, this is total B.S.. Like, why do you say that to me? Yeah. Not as someone that cares about someone, say that to me.

And how does someone do that with his daughter in the bedroom downstairs and his son’s in the kitchen meters away? And and so I remember saying really loudly to him, that’s not OK. I said, this is not a construction site and that’s not OK. You don’t say that to anyone. And then in that moment, it was instant. I thought, there’s nothing I can do about what he’s doing. I was more concerned at that moment. What my kids were witnessing, listening to and all of that.

My boys were sitting at the counter in the kitchen and they were literally maybe three yards away. So I turned around quickly and I went to them and and I said, boys, I said, what you just heard come out of your father’s mouth should never be repeated to any woman. I don’t care how angry you are at them. How is that? And as I said that to them, my ex walked behind me and said to the boys, You do if she is.

There were lots of those kinds of moments. Wow. There’s a lot there. You know, you mentioned earlier that your ex-husband called you messy. Yeah. So how did you go from having just a pile of stuff on your desk?

Right. Too slowly. Yeah.

Go out of control. I don’t know that. As I’m listening to what’s becoming very clear, yes, and you already said it was the turtle reference, that you have two lives and you have the life outside that house where you stick your neck out and people know, you know, who you are and the life inside the house. Where you’re trapped, where you’re hiding, where your very conflicted about who you are. And where the fear is very present, I mean, I think the real you is the one that is in the house because you’re really struggling.

And that’s that’s scary. Here’s why I say that, because I hear a lot of people say, oh, I want to be the real me and, you know, I’ve got to break free and be the real me. Well, the fact is, the real you is somebody who is a mess in terms of the physical space and is afraid. So I’m the effed up.

That’s the reason why I think it’s important to own it.

Is because pretending it’s not you isn’t working, being worried that there’s a different person out side of your house than the one inside and the real me is outside, and I got to know the real you as somebody who’s afraid. The real you is somebody who is messy. The real you is somebody who is having trouble getting started. Doing the things that you need to do. And that’s OK. Yes, starting is a big one. And just recently, I’ve been starting to even talk about it or even come in my current relationship.

I’ve been in for two years. He hasn’t stepped foot in the house.

I’m not surprised. And he’s a wonderful man. And he’s like, you know, I can help you with that light fixture. Just, you know, and I said, no. I said, you’re gonna walk in, turn around and walk out.

He goes, there’s nothing you can do that’s gonna make me walk out. I’m so embarrassed. I’m embarrassed. And then what? In retrospect, I’m embarrassed that I’m living like that with that kind of mess and I haven’t gotten on with it. What happens if you’re able to bring what’s your boyfriend’s name? John. What does it feel like thinking about your house being clean and John walking in the door? Would be nice. What do you get by keeping things the way that they are?

Who do kept keeping things? Maintaining this struggle. Tell me more about Stringfield like this struggle. I’ve I’ve said before, you know, it’s like, oh well, here I go again, learning the hard way. And it’s like, no, I’m it’s almost like I’m trying to prove that that’s the way I do things.

I can’t do it the easy way. I think it’s something of more. Simple, honestly, simple. I do. I think it’s really simple. And here’s what I think. I believe that what happens with fear is that you. You experience fear in your body when something’s about to happen. And you’ve described two very fundamental experiences that happened to you when you were little. And you’ve described a bubbling up a number of times. Mm hmm.

I bet if we were to sit here for a couple hours and go through a bunch of different memories that you have, whether it’s in school or with friends or with your parents or with your siblings when you were about to get in trouble or when you got yelled at or just when you were in a situation where you were nervous or on edge, that that bubbling feeling was there.

Mm hmm. And what happened is that you learned. For a very young age, we all do this, that when that bubbling feeling comes up, freeze or when that bubbling feeling comes up. Stop doing what you’re doing. Or when that bubbling feeling comes up, just just make things nice.

Don’t don’t don’t like people. Yeah. Avoid the conflict. Avoid the conflict.

Now, the interesting thing about life is that there is conflict both outside with other people and conflict internally.

And so if you’re in a situation in your home where you have a bunch of things that you need to do, like, for example, the fact that you’re freaking bedroom is starting to look like an episode of Hoarders, the fact that John can’t come over to your house because you’re embarrassed by all this. The fact that you can’t have John in your bed because you’ve got a mound of clothing in the place where he should be sleeping with you.

When you think about getting rid of this stuff, when you pull out that plastic sleeve with the five dollar bill in it and you look at that thing and you think about getting rid of it.

What is happening in your body? Angry. Angry that that was the state of things, and then I just say, OK, well, fuck it. Fuck it. That’s my Freese’s, isn’t it? If you’re in your bedroom and you’re looking at the pile of clothes where John is supposed to be and you get frustrated with yourself because it’s there and you have to deal with it, and that makes you feel like a failure. And so then you either start to get nervous and bubble things up or you say effort and you turn around.

I always thought about fears, things that you think about. And when you think about fear as a feeling in your body that’s trying to warn you, it’s visceral. It’s visceral. And all of the research shows that it happens before your mind even starts to explain what’s happening. And so you have two responses to failure. One is I’m bad. And the other is a few. Yes. What did you just see for yourself? What did I see?

Yeah. Like, why are you getting upset? I feel like when the tears come, that’s when the nail got it. Is that a good thing? Yeah. What happens for most of us, and this is why you’re trapped. Rosa, is that that visceral reaction is coming up in your life? Yes.

Until the day you die, it’ll come. Yes. You’re either gonna get that bubbly thing or you’re gonna get the F you thing. Mm hmm.

And when it comes up now and that bubbly thing happens or the F you thing happens, what’s really awesome is you have the ability to go. Wait a minute. There’s that thing that I do now. What do I want to do?

So instead of letting the bubbly thing come up and frees you. And now you have no control. And then you go from one room where you’re about to confront the five dollar bill and that bubbly feeling comes up. The old reaction would be to just freeze. The old reaction is to go f you and walk out of the room. And the new thing that you’re going to be capable of is to have that bubbly, visceral response happen or the few visceral response happen and to choose something different.

And so one of the pieces that I want to go back to, because I think it’s something that you think about, but I don’t want you to leave our conversation without really seeing what you’re doing to yourself. OK, OK. So we’ve talked about the fact that in your past and this is true for all of us. You’ve got a bunch of experiences where. You either started bubbling up inside because you were worried about disappointing somebody or, you know, you got the incident with the seven A’s and the one B and then you get the F you and then you can start to see that reaction everywhere.

You had a husband who reinforced both. Yes. I think there’s a connection between how he treated you and how you’re treating yourself. So he’s gone and I’ve taken his place. Oh, my God, that’s awful. So part of what happens when you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship. And you start to walk on eggshells is you become very self-critical as a coping mechanism. So that you. That being harsh on yourself is a way to make sure you don’t drop a ball.

Right. And you don’t get in trouble. I think what’s happening is for 18 years, you were very used to being crazy, self-critical, to try to anticipate everything so that no stone was unturned and he had nothing to complain or be upset about yet. And that you started to internalize. That you are a mess and that you are a failure because I have to do all this stuff, otherwise I wouldn’t be. He also said it. Yeah.

And then you finally got rid of them. Yes. And I’m still doing it. Yeah. And the reason why it’s so hard to escape, even though you can see it. You can think about it. You can describe it right? The reason why it’s so hard to escape is because it’s getting triggered by the visceral stuff. OK, Mel, so so what do I do? I just sit and fill it out. Now kick it the hell out of your body.

What are you talking about?

No. So so what you have to do, especially when you start to unpack and we’ve got two things.

We’ve got the bubbling up in your body and we’ve got that feeling of f you. Right. Okay. Those are the two signals that are. In your history, it’s the two signals that I think are in your day to day life. If you follow those two signals, it will lead you in the right direction, because what happens in our bodies is if you’re facing uncertainty or if you’re facing something that’s confronting or if you’re facing something that is going to contain judgment and for you cleaning up, let me tell you how that contains judgment.

Second, you pull open a drawer. There is stuff in there from your past. Right. And as you start to go. Nope, throw it in the dumpster. Throw it in the dumpster, throw it. I don’t need this. Do you know the one person that’s going to be judging what’s going on? It’s you.

Why do I store this five dollar bill? Why have I kept this pilot close? This isn’t gonna make a difference anyway, even if I get an A in my bedroom. I’ve got seven more rooms to go through. Right. And there’s gonna be a B somewhere in here. F you and you stop. Doesn’t matter anyway, doesn’t matter how hard I work. Yeah. In your body, you’re gonna have to retrain how you respond to it. So what I want to give you out of this is the wisdom and the body awareness and the fear awareness to basically say, OK, I’m going to take on and commit to doing something that I have not been able to do since I got married, and that is clean the damn house and make myself proud of it.

Right, OK. And get it to a point where John is coming over and he’s not coming over with a blindfold on and it’s not coming over to change the light bulb.

Right. He’s coming over for dinner. Right. And he’s coming over to sleep. Over. We need everything that you don’t need out of that house. Yeah. Everything. We need anything that reminds you of your ex out of that house. Everything. You know, when you ask me, why don’t you get rid of the five dollar bill? Well, we’re not the five dollar bill. But, you know, a lot of this stuff sort of thing, some of that stuff I’m thinking I need to sell to recoup.

No. So I’ve been trying to sell stuff. No, no, no. No. Give it away, yes, give it away. Are you kidding? What you’re going to get in return is invaluable. Your freedom. Space. You’re in a crack open that shell that you suck yourself in to get a freaking dumpster and get your neat.

What do you know? You know, John said once about the garage because he’s been in the garage. OK. And he said, Rosa, why don’t you pick one day? And right away, I got that fear, I believe in mine. Yeah. And as he said one day. Why? Because I thought this is gonna take a day.

I need to organize everything. And a little. Exactly. And he said, pick one day. And I said, John. I said, you know how much money sitting in his garage like this is? This was really. He said, listen, no one wants your shit pack three big things.

Yes. This was his idea. Pick three big things. And the rest, he goes, I’ll come over with my truck. I love it. Take it away or donate it. You decide. Love it. Only pick three things. I love it. I love him.

And I’m like, oh, my God. The bubbling up. I couldn’t do it. I said, No, no, I can’t do it like that. Yes, you can.

Yeah, I probably could. Yes, you can. But that’s OK.

But see. What are you learning about fear.

So I went back. OK. So let’s put you. Let’s put you in the future, because I love John. Okay. Yeah. John in charge. Yeah. And you say to John. OK. I will pick three things in the garage. And you let them take everything else away.

I need to leave the country. What’s happening in your body is the dumpster for the pickup truck pulls up and John starts marching shit out of that car.

Oh, my God.

I just like it’s almost like I can’t watch. OK, it’s like I feel like, you know, I see I feel angry now. Great. I feel angry, like, you know, who were you to tell me that that goes in that space? Like, why are you deciding for you? He has to decide.

You’re holding on. I’m a control freak. No, not necessarily. I think that this is all about you not feeling comfortable with how uncertainty triggers fear in your body.

That’s it. So it’s really simple, comfortable. You don’t have to get comfortable. You have to live through it. Do you have your cell phone with you? I do. Well, you look good in a good way. OK. I want you to turn on your phone. What are you feeling in your body? Describe it for me. Nerves. OK. Where where is it? Is it in your stomach, in your throat, in your chest?

All in here. What’s in here? The whole body part. OK. OK, let’s try calling. We’re going to call and ask for help right now. Put him on speaker.

If he answers. And Speaker Boehner.

Hey, you’re on speaker with Mel Robbins. I’m in the studio. So Mel’s making me call and ask you for your help in clearing the garage.

And what are you agreeing to? OK, I’m agreeing to pick several things. Everything else goes in the dumpster. OK. Now she’s crying. No, no, no. So we’re talking about how fear is stuck in her body. What’s happening in your body right now? Rosa, I’m upset. Why? Because I think there’s some value in some of that stuff. Ship is organized. I know you’re saying bullshit.

John says the same. So what’s the soonest day that you can do this? I think you have to the day after tomorrow. Fabulous. OK, good. Oh. John, I love you. We’ll call you and we’re going to we’re going to call you the day that this is happening so that we can find out what’s happening. Okay. Awesome. Thank you, John. Thanks, John. I think. OK. Yeah. See, I told you his leg.

He’s amazing. Oh, and so are you.

Now, what’s happening? Because. Oh, I guess you just is not. Yes. It’s going to feel amazing. And when you start feeling yourself, go out of control and you flip yourself back and then you want to go say f you to John and fight with him about the dumpster.

I want you to say, well, wait a minute. There’s that body thing that Mel was talking about. It’s taking over. I need to stop and I need to choose. What do I want? I want to feel free. And it is going to feel amazing, amazing to walk into that garage and have it be clear, OK, I’m bringing a box of tissues.

OK. Bingo. I’m proud of you so much. Wow. Wasn’t that incredible when she got on the phone with John? I think John may have been a little shell shocked, but I’m really proud of Rosa for having the courage to do it live. She did not know that was coming. One of the most striking things to me from Rosea session is that she’s so clearly living a double life.

And the easiest way to live your life is to just be yourself wherever you are.

So if you present yourself one way to the outside world, yet things are falling apart for you internally.

Please, please let this coaching session be a wakeup call that you need to get control of your own life. And the place to get organized is not on the outside. It’s on the inside. I mean, all of us are the same, especially in our world today, where you can portray a filtered version of yourself to everyone around you and yet your real life you feel like a mess.

I mean, before you heard my conversation with Rosa, I had asked you to think about where in your life are you controlling something as a proxy for feeling like you’ve got control over your life.

I want you to really come back to that, because that’s exactly where we’re going to start as we begin diving into the takeaways from Rose’s session.

And the first takeaway, of course, is that in order to get control of your life, you must first understand what you do when you feel afraid.

There’s a pattern there and you may not even realize it.

Every time you are afraid, you do the exact same thing. And it’s become so automatic that it’s now a habit. Now, once you see this pattern, you will then have the power to change it.

And if you change your response to fear, you’re gonna get control of your life. It’s really that simple. And for Rosa. She’s afraid of facing the mess that her life has become.

Now, for me, the story that I was telling during this coaching session when Chris’s restaurants were going under and I was unemployed, I was afraid we were going to lose everything. So Rose’s fear was facing the mass and my fear was facing this mess as well. So once you know what you are afraid of next, you’re going to ask yourself, what do I do when I feel afraid? Because remember, the moment you feel afraid, you reach for momentary control in order to quiet the fear, but it backfires long term.

For me, I couldn’t face the mess that my life had become financially. And so I would wander the aisles at the designer shoe warehouse trying on shoes because it gave me a sense of control. It made me feel normal for just 30 minutes when for the rest of the day my life felt like it was spinning out of control. And for Rosa. She clings on to her stuff in order to give herself the sense that she’s in control of something. I mean, remember what she said to me?

I need to leave the country. What’s happening in your body is the dumpster or the pickup truck pulls up and John starts marching shit out of that car.

Oh, my God.

I just like it’s almost like I can’t watch. OK, it’s like I feel like, you know, I see I feel angry now. Great. I feel angry, like, you know, who are you to tell me that that goes in?

That stays. Like, why are you deciding for you? He has to decide where you’re holding onto this stuff out of control.

You’re holding on. I’m a control freak. She just sat right there. She’s a control freak. And there is so much power in admitting the places in your life where you’re being a control freak about the wrong stuff. And this brings us right to our second takeaway stuff. We’ll never give you what you seek. Focusing on the things in your life, it’s not going to give you the control that you want. And we live in a society that is obsessed with accumulating things.

We’re bombarded with marketing and advertising all day long. And it’s trying to convince you that you’ll be happier if you have a new pair of shoes and your butts going to look better if you buy this brand of jeans or these kind of leggings. So it’s no wonder that you believe that you might get control of your mindset or your happiness by buying more things or controlling more things or having different things or holding on to things. And the other thing is that stuff.

It’s easy to control because it doesn’t talk back to you. Just think about the things that are not in your control. You can’t control other people. And whether or not they’ll change. You can’t control how people react to you or whether or not they’ll judge you or gossip about you. He can’t control your past. You can’t control the mood your boss is going to be in today. He can’t control whether you might get fired in the future. You can’t control what’s going to happen with the stock market.

You can’t control the weather. You can’t control what might happen in the future.

The only thing you can control is your thoughts, your actions and your stuff. And it’s a lot easier to focus on controlling your stuff than it is to look in the mirror and deal with your actions and the way that you think. So any time you start getting distracted by stuff, you’re avoiding something. In Rose’s case, she’s clinging to her stuff because the second that she decides to start getting rid of it, she has to admit that her life truly is a mess that needs to be fixed.

And as much as she doesn’t want to admit it, she knows that she’s distracted by her stuff and that her life is a mess.

But as long as she holds on newage, I have to do anything about it. It’s a way to keep control.

She’s terrified to confront the mess that her life is. So she holds on all this stuff and we all do this in a million ways.

Have you ever been so stressed out at work that you start manipulating the things in your inbox instead of actually working or another classic one? I used to rearrange our living room almost every week. I was incredibly unhappy. Chris would come home.

The furniture would be rearranged yet again because I felt like, oh, well, if I just got the finished way of the living room just right, then everything will fall into place. So maybe if the couch went over here, maybe everything would feel a little bit better. The truth is, my living room was fine. It was my head that was off the chain. It was my mindset. And what I was worried about that left me feeling out of control.

But it gave me a false sense of control to move the couch around at a moment in time when I couldn’t pay our bills or another one of my fate control strategies, organizing my closet. And here’s another one.

How many of you were living with boxes in a new place that you’ve moved into and you have not unpacked them? Or I bet some of you listening have maybe lived in an apartment for more than a year and you haven’t hung anything on the walls because you’re not sure you want to be there and you don’t know what the future holds. Controlling your stuff will never, ever, ever give you real control.

You can drink all the kale smoothies, you can have the perfect leggings. You can buy the right car. You can manage your online profile. You can rearrange your living room. You can avoid paying your bills. But unless your mental health is in check, you’re not in control.

Doesn’t matter how in control of your stuff you are your mental health is what you need to focus on the stress that you’re thinking about. So what can you do about this? Number one, remember, if you change your response to fear, you’re going to get control of your life if you rearrange your living room. You won’t. OK, there is no correlation there. So what are you going to do if you change your response to fear, you get control of your life?

Well, first, you need to take an inventory of your habits. What physical things do you do as an attempt to control something as opposed to working on the things that are scaring you? What do you do to distract yourself from having to deal with your life?

Do you clean the house all the time? Do you do laundry when you don’t need to? Do you cling to stuff like Rosa does to avoid opening bills in the mail? These are all strategies, by the way, that you use to distract yourself from dealing with the things that you’re scared to deal with. You go on shopping binges, Dubai, stuff you don’t need. Is there something you’ve convinced yourself that wall?

If I just had a bigger yard, if I could just renovate my kitchen, my life would be better and I’d be happier. Look, I don’t need to overcomplicate this. I know when I’m surfing online for things I don’t need to buy because I’m stressed out and you know it, too. I know when I need to clean my closet because it’s disgusting and my things are now spilling over to Chris’s side. And he’s angry at me versus when I’m cleaning my closet because I don’t want to have to open bills that I can’t afford to pay.

Rosen knows it’s a problem. She’s afraid to face it. And she admitted it to me.

I’m struggling with. I’m going to call it declaring my physical environment at home, which I think is a reflection of an internal issue that I haven’t been able to break through. I’m struggling with the you know, this isn’t me. Oh, my God. But this is what I see. You know. I don’t want to believe that that’s me. And yet I haven’t moved past or figured out how to move quicker through it. Why do I keep saying over and over, if you change your response to fear, you will get control of your life.

You see, we reach for shopping, we avoid the bills, we go on binges, we rearrange the furniture in the house because we’re afraid of dealing with something.

And when you identify the things that you do as an attempt to distract yourself or take control of some aspect of your life that feels manageable once you identify what those are.

Then the next thing’s gonna be to have to face it. Because the only thing that will stop you from this kind of fear spiralling your life out of control like it is for Rosa is for you to slow down.

Have self-control and the moment when you feel yourself starting to reach for a distraction or control all the stuff in your life make a different choice.

And the good news is you can get a hold of this if you’re willing to face it. I mean, if Rosa can start to de clutter and dehorned her house, you can certainly interrupt the behaviors and the responses that you have to fear and get real control as well.

So let’s start with how do you deal with physical things that you’re avoiding? We’re going to do it in baby steps. OK, here’s a great little strategy. If you have things that you’re avoiding dealing with, I want you to set a reoccurring alarm to go off on your phone every day. OK?

Just for five minutes. And when the alarm goes off, you’re going to face this thing you need to do for five minutes. That’s it. Whether it’s opening up one bill and paying it or whether it is answering an e-mail, just one every single day, you’re going to have an alarm that goes off.

And for five minutes, you’re going to face something that you’re avoiding.

This is what real control looks like. And here’s the thing. You don’t have to do it all once, you even have to do it alone. If you’ve got somebody like John in your life, ask for help.

What I would like you to do is to build the muscle of taking control.

So if you’re holding on to things and there’s a lot of clutter in your house when the alarm goes off throughout one thing, that’s it. And if you’re doing things like rearranging rooms in your house or online shopping, the next time you catch yourself starting to do it, stop tune in and ask yourself, what am I trying to avoid by doing this instead? And then I want you to take action and do one thing toward the thing you’re avoiding for just five minutes.

That’s it. Just work on the thing you’re avoiding for five minutes. Don’t rearrange the living room. Don’t buy anything online. Don’t manage your inbox. Go and face the thing you’re avoiding.

That’s what real control looks like. Now, the third takeaway and the next thing we’re going to talk about is a major theme from Rose’s session that rings true in my life and I know it does for you, too. And that is if you have a double life. It’s still your life because life is defined by what’s inside your head, not by what’s outside of you. And you take what’s inside your head. Everywhere you go, whether you’re in your house or you’re at work.

And here’s the deal on the outside. Very few of us live fully authentic lives.

We present a version of ourselves to the world that might not match what’s actually going on inside of us underneath the surface. We’re all a turtle in some area of our lives. And, you know, Rosa, she is somewhat extreme example of living like a turtle because her whole house is this gigantic mess.

And then when she sticks or at out and she goes into schools, she pretends to be somebody else, somebody who’s totally organized into the outside world. I bet if you asked anybody that knew her in SA binders, she’d be like, oh, Rosa, she’s got it all going on, man. She’s in control. She has it all together. I mean, remember what she said about this? We’re going to my bedroom. I describe it as a dorm room of some student who doesn’t have the time, even the care to take care of anything.

So my even my bed, which is interesting, is like I’ll sleep on one side of it and I’ll pile things onto the other. And then if I have to change the bed, I take it off your right. And I read pile the stuff back.

It’s just slop ville. And so I have a pile that I look at and I just go, wow, what? Like, where do I even start? And I have this perfectionism thing about what I do too, which is sort of funny because if you look at my binders for work, there are packable.

Well, that’s because that’s what you’re showing the outside world. Well, and my covered in my kitchen.

Yeah. The one that’s open. The one that’s open.

Oh, that’s a good point. The one that’s open. That’s so interesting. Now, her binder’s may be impeccable, but meanwhile, the second Rosa walks through the door of her home and sees the mess in her bedroom or the mess in the kitchen. Now she’s struggling emotionally.

We all do that because our homes are where we feel like we can let our guard down our homes or where we feel safe. And by the way, that’s why she won’t let her boyfriend into her home. It’s not because it’s a mess. It’s because emotionally, when she’s in her home, it’s safe enough for her to let our guard down and feel like a mess and admit it to herself.

This dichotomy between how you hold it together for the world outside and how you can fall apart once you get home. It reminds me of several conversations my husband and I had with teachers and with a therapist that our kids went to our son Oakley, when he was nine years old. He started coming home from school and acting out like crazy, emotional, rude, defiant, anxious. Homework was a disaster now at the time. We had no idea that he had undiagnosed dyslexia.

And so school was so difficult for him. And so we went to see a therapist to try to get some tools because we were starting to get so frustrated because everybody at school loved him.

And all the reports that we got back from people that were interacting with him in the outside world was that he was charming and he was happy and he was so lovable in the classroom and engaged. And I couldn’t believe it because that was the exact opposite of the beast that he was when he walked through the front door, just like Rosa, just like I’m sure people who interact with her outside.

Oh, she’s impeccable. She’s organized. She’s this. She’s together. Exact opposite of who she is when she walks in the front door. During this time, a therapist told us something that I will never forget. They said, you know, it’s actually a good sign when your kids come home and they can let it all hang out emotionally because it means that they feel safe to do so with you. You got to be worried about when they bottle up and they don’t talk to you at all about anything that’s going on.

And then they went on to explain something that had never occurred to me before, and I want you to really listen to this. When you’re in the outside world, there is pressure to hold it together. There’s pressure to fit in. There’s pressure not to embarrass yourself. There’s pressure to perform, to be liked, to get ahead, to get it right. And that for kids in particular, especially kids like Oakley that have dyslexia. It’s exhausting to hold it together through a school day.

I mean, it takes every ounce of emotional energy to sit in that classroom, just like I bet it takes every ounce of emotional energy for Rosa to be outside and holding it together when she feels on the inside like things are falling apart. And I think the same is true on some level for all of us. I bet that there are days where you feel like you can barely hold it together, the pressure to fit in, to not embarrass yourself, to perform, to get it right.

You know, it’s why every once in a while you’ll hear about, you know, a couple that, you know, that separating and wonder, God, why are they getting a divorce? They seem like such a great couple. It’s because on the outside, they were presenting something different than what was really going on on the inside. Rose is doing what we all do. She’s holding it together for the outside world. But the second she gets home, it all falls apart because she feels safe enough to let it.

She’s comfortable being vulnerable at home. And here’s the good news in all of this.

The fact that she’s capable of creating impeccable binders and holding it together at school means she’s capable of doing it in her personal life if she finds the courage to face her fears and take real control. And the fact that she has so much fear and distress mentally in her home tells me she’s also carrying this in the outside world because your double life is still your life.

So the main takeaway for you is to recognize this, and if you relate to this on some level, that you’re just holding it together for the outside world, the best thing to do is to start right now exercising some self compassion. Because here’s the thing. You’re not going to want to change if it’s going to feel like a chore and it’s way more motivating to change your life for the better. If you care for and love yourself first rather than making yourself wrong.

I know personally that when I think about staying in shape because I want to care for my body and I do it from a place of self compassion and love, it makes it a heck of a lot easier to get to the gym than those times that I’m like, oh, I’m so bored in my man’s his own time zone.

Hey, new to the gym. I’m compared to my crew. The make wrong just makes you feel like shit.

It’s demoralizing.

And when you start from a place of saying, hey, all right, you know, so it’s been a stressful couple weeks. Haven’t been to the gym for a while, but I totally get it. I don’t blame myself, but it sure would be nice to start taking care of myself a little bit. Shawn myself, a little kindness and love.

You’re going to find it motivating. And there’s research that backs us up. Actually, research from Baylor University that when you focus on the positive aspects of a healthy lifestyle in particular, you’re actually much more likely to stick to it rather than being like Gony.

Fat, gowning, Jenya. Don’t eat floured. Danny, dance.

Focus on the side of it. That’s about being kind to you by gluten, because I noticed that I feel like crap when I do versus all who drool about very you know, you shouldn’t do it.

So in exercising self compassion for yourself, I want you to take this trick from Dr. Kristin Neff, the world’s leading researcher and self compassion.

She’s a huge fan of using mantras. When you’re the kind of person that gets really down on yourself because the secret is forgiving yourself. When you start to get down on yourself. So here’s a couple mantras you can try.

No one is perfect. I’m just going to try my best. Or here’s another one I love. I’m doing this for me. When you say things that are kind rather than a go to get to the gym now say, you know, I’m going to go to the gym. I’m going to do it for me or not, I’m really out of shape both. All right. Nobody’s perfect.

I’m just gonna try my best to take the pressure off for crying out loud, because if you develop self compassion, you’re gonna find it’s so much easier to face your fears and take control.

Now, let’s get to the fourth takeaway. Excuses, excuses are your fear talking? So whenever you have to face something and you start to come up with all kinds of excuses and reasons to bump up up a bar for why you can’t do it, you now know that is fear.

Now, you’re always gonna have a million reasons why you can’t change. And Rosa had every excuse in the book.

All the stuff may be valuable. I should sell it. All I’m too busy. I’ll get to a letter. I can’t have John over. It’s too messy. I mean, there’s a even a feel to the way she would say the excuses.

Why? Because she’s afraid. It’s that simple. That’s why we come up with excuses. I’m too tired to go to the gym actually means I’m afraid to get on the treadmill and realize how out of shape I am. I’m afraid to walk into the gym in this outfit because I don’t like how I look. That’s why you come up with excuses, because you’re afraid. I mean, here’s what she said. Hear it straight from her. You know, John said once about the garage because he’s been in the garage.

OK. And he said, Rosa, why don’t you pick one day? And right away, I got that fear, I’ll believe a mine. Yeah. But as he said one day. Why? Because I thought this isn’t a typical day.

I need to organize everything and get a little. Exactly. And he said, pick one day. And I said, John. I said, you know how much money sitting in his garage like this. Is this Rosa really? He’s Alison.

No one wants your shit pack three big things. Yes. This was his idea. Pick three big things. And the rest, he goes, I’ll come over with my truck. I love it. Take it away or donate it. You decide. Love it. Only pick three things. I love it. I love him.

And I’m like, oh, my God. The bubbling up. I couldn’t do it. I said, No, no, I can’t do it like that.

Every time you bring up an excuse for why you can do something like all the excuses, you just heard Rosa use fears winning. It’s really that simple. Excuses mean fear is winning.

And, you know, there are two kinds of people in the world. There are people that see the opportunity. And there are people that see the excuse. So Rosa can either see a house, it’s clean. That’s the opportunity. Or she can see all the reasons why. Can’t be. And if you see the opportunity that you want, you can lock on to that. Oh, my God. Imagine how amazing it would be at this house were cleared of all this clutter and how they would free up my brain and how it make me feel so proud of myself.

Once you see it now, your brain can start to help you get into Problem-Solving mode. Well, if I want that, I guess I better throw some stuff out. If instead all you see are the obstacles your mind is going to spot. Nothing but more obstacles and more reasons and more excuses.

I think in life we talk a lot about half empty and half full. Chris, my husband says he’s a half empty type of guy. I say I’m a half full type of person. I think this analogy has been used way too much and it’s become somewhat of a throw away.

I don’t think it means anything anymore. Oh, I’m positive. I’m negative. I’m trying to make a different point.

You see the world one way or the other.

You either see what you want or you see all the obstacles in between you and what you want. I love this simple story that I heard Simon Sinek tell. He and a friend were at a race and there was a table that was full of free bagels at the end of the race. And I mean, come on, who doesn’t love a bunch of carbohydrates? After running a road race and Simon says to his pal, hey, let’s go get a bagel.

And his friend said, Villines doing. This simple story illustrates an important point. You’re either the kind of person who sees the free bagels or you’re the one who focuses on the line. You either see the opportunity or you see the obstacle and you get to decide. You can either figure out how to go get what you want or you can just see the excuse. You’re in one or two camps. And guess which Camp Firuzan? Sure as hell isn’t in the camp with the opportunity.

It’s in the line. It’s seeing the obstacles.

That’s what fear does. Here’s like, oh, no, no, no, don’t look at wow how amazing it would be if the house were clean. I’m afraid to do that.

I want you to look at all the things that are gonna be difficult about food and long line food, how hard this is going to be.

You see, if Rosa and I walked up to get bagels, she would spot the line and I would see the bagels. So if you’re someone who sees the line, how can you become somebody like me who sees the bagels? Well, number one, start by thinking about what you really want. Forget all the fears for just a second. What do you really want? I want to clean house. I want to be in better health. I want to run a marathon.

I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to quit my job. I want a better relationship with my mother. I want to stop doubting myself. That’s all you do. Start by listing what you want. Write out what the bagel is for your life.

Then list out all of your favorite excuses, because I guarantee you, they sound like a broken record. I’m too. I had a long day, I feel like eating this, I deserve this donut. Why do I always have to diet? It’s just not fair. Why can’t I have a metabolism like my skinny friend? Why can’t I be?

I don’t have time. I don’t want to. I don’t feel like it. On and on and on.

Now now that you’ve got your list of broken record excuses, now you’ve got to do the harbert. Let’s get honest. Do you actually want to change? I’m dead serious about this. Do you actually want to have the thing you say you do? Because Rosa can say all she wants, that she wants a clean house. But unless she’s truly honest with herself, am I willing to do what it takes? Am I ready to change?

Nothing’s gonna happen because I can give you all these tools and you can listen all these coaching sessions.

But at some point, you have to decide if this thing you want actually matters to you. You know, for years I used to beat myself up like Rosa does about the mess in our house. But what I was complaining about to myself is my flabby stomach. I’d look in the mirror and, you know, I’d see the cellulite there and the wrinkles that I have after having three kids below my belly button that I’d and I’d make myself run.

I’d look at exercise plans. I’d follow these fits fo people on Instagram. I’d read articles about getting six pack abs, but I’d never do the exercise.

But I’d make myself wrong. And I’d look at people with ABS and I’d make myself wrong and I’d look at the diapers and I’d make myself wrong.

And then it dawned on me that if I really wanted this, if I really wanted six pack abs, I could get them. I could find the time, I could do the exercises, I could change my diet. And then I realized something very liberating. It’s not a priority for me. And it didn’t matter what I read or what I looked at or the plans that I made. The truth is, having six pack abs isn’t a goal of mine at all because I’m not willing to do the work to make it happen.

I want to bitch about the line. I don’t see the Bangles here. The truth is, when I zoomed out and I looked at what it would take to get there, I realized I didn’t want to do the work. The truth is, having six pack abs not a goal of mine. I wasn’t afraid of doing the work. I didn’t have any intention of doing the work.

So when I zoomed out and I looked at what it would take to get six pack abs at 50 years old, for me, I realized I don’t want to do any of those things.

I’m not afraid of going to the gym. I’m not afraid of being on a diet. I don’t want to be on one. And I don’t intend to be on one. And I’m not doing it.

Six pack abs. They’re not a priority of mine. So I can stop beating myself up and bitching about it right now.

You see, there is a difference between wanting to change and just being afraid and saying you want to change. And in reality, having no desire to do it. Rosa wants to change. She’s just afraid. I was saying I wanted to change and had no desire to do it. Big difference. So if you actually want something like Rosa wants a declared house, she wants order in her life. She wants to feel real control.

What you want to do is go back to the brick by brick approach I talked about with Dan. Break things down into the smallest components in order to get past your excuses.

Build momentum and make the change a daily habit. And if in listening to this, you realized, you know what, I kind of relate to Mel. I’ve been bitchin about this thing for a long time and I keep saying I want it. I don’t do anything about it.

Truth is, it’s not a priority. Good. Start owning that. Stop making excuses and move on with your life. Now, let’s go on to the final takeaway. Just a couple of minutes ago, we talked about how it’s more motivating to change when you have compassion for yourself first.

And if you’ve listened to my other audible original title, Kick Ass with Mel Robbins or you follow me on social media, you’re going to be familiar with this next tool. But it’s such a game changer that it’s worth hearing over and over and over again.

So here it is. If you ever find yourself stuck, frustrated or afraid, it’s because there’s a pattern you can’t change. And the best place to start to unearth this pattern is with a powerful question. And here it is. I want you to ask yourself what happened to me instead of what’s wrong with me?

What’s wrong with me that my house is a mess? What’s wrong with me? That I’m a liar? What’s wrong with me? That I have such bad self-doubt? What’s wrong? Instead of doing that? I want you to ask what happened to me. Remember in Heather’s session, how I talked about how small moments, no matter how small, can leave a lasting impact on you? Well, now I want to take that a step further, and I want to talk about how trauma can lead to lasting patterns.

Now, this is a major realization for you that I want you to take away from Rose’s session. And it’s this. Emotionally abusive relationships can leave you with trauma in many cases.

We think about trauma as coming about as the result of physical abuse or witnessing a tragic event or going overseas and serving in an active combat zone.

But it’s so important to note that being in an emotionally abusive relationship, whether it’s with a partner, a friend, a parent, a teacher, a relative, a boss, over time it causes trauma.

No matter what age it’s happening at. Now, Rose’s husband criticized her over and over and over again, and he was unpredictable and the conflict in that house and the verbal abuse in that house made her feel like she was going crazy and a complete mess. I mean, just listen to the impact that it had on her.

Just a lot of hurt. I don’t think there is any nervousness, more like angry. But angry, angry and upset when I remember crying and thinking, this is total B.S., like, why do you say that to me? Yeah. That is someone that cares about someone. Say that to me.

And how does someone do that with his daughter in the bedroom downstairs and his son’s in the kitchen, you know, meters away. And and so I remember saying really loudly to him, that’s not OK. I said, this is not a construction site and that’s not OK. You don’t say that to anyone. And and then in that moment, it was instant. I thought, there’s nothing I can do about what he’s doing. I was more concerned at that moment, what my kids were witnessing, listening to and all of that.

And my my boys were sitting at the counter in the kitchen and they were literally maybe three yards away. So I turned around quickly and I went to them and and I said, boys, I said, what you just heard come out of your father’s mouth should never be repeated to any woman. I don’t care how angry you are at them. How is that? And I just gave them a little pep talk about how that should never, never be anything that comes out of your mouth towards any woman.

And as I said that to them, my ex walked behind me and said to the boys, you do if she is. There were lots of those kinds of moments. You know, she said to her ex-husband, it’s not OK, it’s way more than not OK. This is what emotional abuse looks and sounds like. And I want to be very clear about something. It causes trauma. So if you’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship, you need to realize something that’s trauma and so many women in particular dismiss the emotional abuse as something that’s not as serious as physical abuse.

Emotional abuse can leave long lasting impacts that nobody can see. And oftentimes because there’s no physical wound. A lot of victims of emotional abuse play down just how serious it is. The fact that Rosa was married to somebody for 18 years and lived on edge every day, that he might call her the C word or say something terrible or hurtful.

This is emotional trauma. And it became hardwired in Rose’s nervous system because she was always on edge waiting for one of these confrontations to happen.

One of the places that it was clearly affecting, Rosa was in the hiding for two freaking years, she hadn’t even let John visit. And that’s an important piece of data because trauma one to one is hiding. Veterans hide when they come back from war. They don’t tell people what their nightmares are. They don’t tell them how they’re struggling emotionally and mentally. Because for a lot of people that experience trauma or have been emotionally abused or have PTSD, it’s embarrassing.

And shame filled situation is your mental health starts to spiral. And although I don’t think Rosa is experiencing that magnitude of trauma, she’s also hiding and filled with shame. And being in an emotionally abusive relationship leaves you feeling out of control because you’re with an unpredictable person.

You can’t control the other person’s behavior. So you do whatever you can to avoid it.

And these patterns that you develop to seek control, like hiding, manipulating, lying, beating yourself up, mentally, avoiding people, they’re not useful now and they’re keeping you stuck. So if you’ve had abuse in your past, it’s important to deal with it because it’s at the root of most of the problems that you’re struggling with. First, what do you do? Step by step. This is what you’re going to do. Number one, you’re gonna ask what happened to me?

Because oftentimes you look at certain behaviors like roses hoarding, and you say to yourself, why am I doing this?

However, when you ask yourself, why am I doing this, why totally ignores what happened in the past. I want you instead to ask yourself what happened to me. I want you to answer this question right now. What happened to you in your past that has impacted you and changed you? Once you see what has happened and you realized how it’s affected you, it’s easier to have compassion for yourself and realize that you need to deal with the trauma before you can create a change.

You realize that you created strategies to deal with the trauma that’s no longer serving you.

Rosa, over those 18 years, came up with ways to survive it. And in order to gain control of your life, you’re going to need to change your response to fear.

And for somebody that has experienced emotional abuse, you lived on edge all the time.

So that means any small fear could trigger you to go back on edge. It’s why it’s so important to get control of this. Second, please acknowledge that you were a victim of emotional abuse, just because you can’t see the bruises doesn’t mean you didn’t experience trauma. And downplaying it is going to keep you feeling like your life is out of control. Finally get professional help. Once you’ve uncovered that you have unresolved trauma, it’s so important to get professional help.

Go to therapy and unpack it and deal with it, because you’re going to carry this with you. This response to fear everywhere you go. And because traumatic experiences get remembered in the body at a deeper and more stubborn level, it’s so important to be intentional and deliberate about healing yourself.

You see, there’s day to day memories and then there’s the super memory of being in an abusive situation because your body is trying to hard wire into your body. All of the signals because you’ve got to be on alert to protect yourself. And therapy’s a godsend, especially treatments like MDR, diabetes and CBT. That was a lot. You may be wondering. All right. After all that, how is Rosa actually doing? Well, she’s been filling us in on her progress.

And Rosa left the session thinking the garage would be what she tackled first, but her home became the top priority. Rosa has hauled clutter from her kitchen, her bedroom and her garage. She’s had some incredible insights along the way, too. She was surprised to find out, for example, that as she released stuff, she was actually more OK with it than she thought she would be. How many times have you found this to be true? I think I find it to be true all the time, everything that I resist doing.

It’s all like a gigantic excuse in my head.

And the second I start taking action, it’s like, why the heck did I think this was going to be so hard?

And then with every small action, it gets easier and easier. And next thing you know, I’m thinking, why did I torture myself for so long? Well, because we make up stories in our head that are triggered by fear. It’s absolutely liberating and amazing when you take action because you find that the story that you made up in your head is way worse than the reality. Rosa also realized that a lot of the purchases she made were because they were a great deal.

Are you one of those folks that you buy things just because they’re on sale? Who? I don’t need that. But it’s only ten dollars. I’ll take it. And that was a liberating thing for her to see.

And by the way, that’s a trick that marketers use. They know that when you see a, quote, sale sign or 50 percent off or a markdown, that looks like a bargain. The areas of your brain that are associated with earning an award, they light up and you’re more likely to make a purchase whether you like the item or not guilty as charged right here. I’m sometimes fooled, but I’m getting better and better at not just buying things because.

Oh, it’s a good deal. Well, I don’t need a boot scraper right now. I just don’t. I know it’s on sale. I know it’s got a great ad with it. I know the Internet says it’s the best boot scraper in the world, but I don’t need it.

Five, four, three, two, one. Move on. Now, Rosa has worn off impulse buying, and in the future, she plans to ask her style savvy daughter’s opinion before making any purchases. Rose is also finding the D cluttering doesn’t have to take a lot of time.

And that was one of her biggest excuses, by the way. Remember, why don’t have time? It’s going to take forever. I’ve got to go through all this stuff.

I get it, Rosa. She has a busy schedule just like you. So she can’t attack it hours at a time.

But even just taking 15 minutes to clear off a section of a countertop changes the energy in her home and it changes the thinking patterns in her brain. If you have a D cluttering project that’s overwhelming, you just focus on that one Lego block at a time approach, brick by brick to make it stick.

You don’t need five hours attack at five minutes at a time. And Rose is also doing something that she’s never been comfortable with and that’s asking for help.

Now, you met John during the coaching session, but whether you’re a man or a woman, there’s something about asking for help that makes you feel like you’re weak.

But if you could please just get over that, because it’s actually the greatest life hack on the planet, because everybody wants to help everybody else and asking for help. It’s the fastest way to get things done.

But the best part of all this is Rose’s birthday. She turned 50 in November and for the first time in years. Guess what? Rosa invited people over to her home.

Rosa is truly writing and owning the next chapter of her life. And I just couldn’t be more proud of her. And when you start applying the advice to take real control of your life, I couldn’t be more proud of you either. So let’s sum up Rose Session. I want to quickly remind you of the five key takeaways that you learned from listening to this coaching session. Number one, you start by following your fear.

You got to understand what you do when you feel afraid, because in order to get control of your life, you must first understand what you do when you’re afraid. Rosa is afraid of facing the mess her life has become. And so as a result, she controls her stuff. Second things stuff, it’s not going to give you what you want because there’s so much we cannot control. We tend to try to control the things we can, the physical things.

But this is never, ever, ever going to bring you any sense of real control in your life. So please get real with yourself about where you’re using your stuff as a way to distract yourself from dealing with the things that scare you. Third, your double life is still your life. We often display a persona to the world which is incontrol and large and in charge.

But it’s not who we really are on the inside. Try breaking out of that and being honest about how you’re really feeling. And start by showing some self compassion. Fourth, any time you got an excuse, that’s fear talking and you’re always gonna have a million excuses. They make you feel like you’re in control.

But no change is gonna happen until you break through them.

And finally, if you’re really struggling, if you’re really stuck. Stop asking yourself, why am I doing this? What’s wrong with me? Ask what happened to me and recognize, please, that abuse. And yes, I’m talking about emotional abuse can cause lasting trauma. It is important to recognize what happened to you. It is important to name what happened to you.

And if it involves emotional or physical abuse, it is critical that you seek out professional help.

And finally, if you can take just one thing away from Rose’s session, which is hard to do, I want you to take this away. You can let go of the things that you think bring you control. You can stop impulse shopping. You can stop buying crap. You don’t need. You can stop obsessing about your inbox. You can stop rearranging your living room. You can stop convincing yourself that if you renovate your mudroom, your life will be better.

You can stop wandering the aisles of Target and Wal-Mart and DSW and you can take control of your life by going to work on the patterns that hold you back in order to take real control. And for just about all of us.

That means going back and asking the most important question of all.

What happened to me? The answer may not be pretty, but I guarantee you it’s exactly what you need to hear. In the first three coaching sessions, we covered internal fears. And we also talked about how fear can trigger you to distract yourself with stuff. In this next coaching session, we’re going to take a look at how social situations and how being singled out and separated from your friend group can make you feel out of control if you struggle with imposter syndrome.

Feeling insecure, thinking you don’t belong. Or worrying about what everybody else is thinking.

This coaching session is going to be a game changer for you because we’re gonna talk about the internal sense that you can feel when you get separated from the pack. I mean, there’s a ton of science behind this. It’s part of our survival mechanism to be part of a group to belong at a fundamental sense. If you get separated from the pack when you’re little from your parents, you’re not able to survive on your own. So the desire to belong, the desire to have a friend group, the desire not to be judged, not to be rejected, not to be kicked out of the group that you belong to, the desire to stay a part of it because it gives you control.

It’s hard wired to our survival system and it’s in our DNA. It’s been passed down since the beginning of time.

The need to be part of a tribe is so primal that we associate groups with safety and survival. So any moment where you’re going to have to stand alone as an individual, it’s an intense moment of vulnerability and it can be terrifying. So much so that, you know, you develop coping mechanisms to fit in with people and you’re not even yourself. So everybody, every one of us, you, me, everybody, you know, we want to be part of a group.

We want to belong because we equate it with being safe. And we equate it with being loved. And so if you’ve ever been separated from the pack, you’ve been cut from a team, you’ve been ostracized by a friend group or like the guy you’re about to meet was called out in school.

It is a loss of control that will hit you at your core and it can spin you out of control. And the reason why it hurts when you’re the one who isn’t invited to a party is because when you’ve been separated from a pack that you thought you belong to, it makes you feel unsafe. It makes you feel singled out. It makes you feel rejected.

Same reason why it bothers you on some level when your colleagues go out to lunch without you, it’s because you’ve been separated from a pack that you’d like to belong to. Now, I’m sure you understand and can relate to the fact that we all want to fit in. We all want to belong. We all struggle with the fear of rejection and the fear of disappointing other people. What I want you to get out of this coaching session at those normal fears of being rejected, of being singled out.

They hit you at a fundamental level, which is why it’s so debilitating when something happens to you that publicly separates you from everyone else. And that’s exactly what happened to the person you’re about to meet.

Can Casey. And I’m 28 years old. I’m from Detroit, Michigan. Just recently engaged a real estate agent in Detroit.

Let’s start by talking about your biggest fear and how it’s impacting you.

My biggest fear is surrounded by success. So growing up my whole life. People don’t expect much from me. They didn’t think I would succeed at a high level. I’ve been able to do a lot of things that people didn’t expect from me. So one of my biggest fears is keeping that momentum and not allowing people’s thoughts and expectations of me to come true. When I was young. Expectations of what I would accomplish were never very high. So my mom immigrated from Thailand.

In terms of education, doesn’t have much. And my dad was always working and we were really poor growing up. We didn’t have much you know, they both worked a ton when it came to setting the tone for education. I didn’t have a whole lot to go off of. I didn’t have people to model after anything like that. But then going back in school, as soon as I got into school, yeah, I was labeled by the Education Department and our school system as having a learning disability.

I mean, so growing up, I mean, I was very, very far behind in terms of reading, writing, math. All of those things. So because of that, I was put into special programs that would try and bring me up to speed.

So what was it like for you? For me, it’s tough because you so bad want to be just normal like all the other kids. Right. So any time that you’re pulled aside and put into this special anything, it’s really challenging because I knew, you know, I’d say, well, how come I’m not like all the other kids? Right. That was one of the biggest challenges, is just being put in these special classes and not walking into those classes.

Right. So seeing all my friends in the hallways and then they’re like, oh, we’re going to English. Well, I’m going to English here. I’m just going to a different one. So how did you cope with it? What was the thing you did? Yeah. In order to cope. So back in the day, which is so strange, was I’m private, complete opposite now. I was definitely the class clown, like trying to get attention.

I pathological liar. I would lie about everything just. Yeah.

Sorry. I’m laughing. I was too you know. But it was because. Yeah. Because I didn’t want. Yeah. I do want to. I want people to focus on that. Right. I wanted to create something else that became the focus. So this is an aside. But I want to tell you something. We have a son who has dyslexia and we did not know that he had dyslexia until he was in the fourth grade.

Like he could not read. Yeah. In middle of fourth grade. And by that point, he he should have been reading kind of late second, early third grade at least, being able to read something, he could barely write his name. He couldn’t tie issues. He couldn’t cut food. And when the teachers came to us, they said, this kid can read.

And he thought, what the hell you’ve done?

He’s a talker and a storyteller and a charmer. And what we’ve come to learn and I think part of what I’m going to tell you that I want you to do is I want you to see if you can get tested, because I think it would be very liberating to know what you have yet as a learning difference. And what I know about dyslexia and particularly language based learning issues. Is that in order to survive. Because what you are dealing with is the fear that you’re going to get separated from the pack.

And you were. Yeah, you were physically pulled away from the pack of friends. You were put in a different group. You were labeled. And that triggers a fundamental fear that every single human being has every one of us. And one of the things that dyslexic kids and kids with language based learning disabilities do is they develop a character. And the character is this person that they become in a classroom or in a group setting in order to hide the fact that you’ve got this disability.

Does that sound right? Like nail on the head? Yes. Yeah, for sure. And and one of the things that research shows is that kids that develop a character. And they use that character trait as a way to kind of get ahead, even if it’s lying, even if it’s like being the class clown like our son was. Mr. Charmer, he’s like, you know, the clown, the leader, the ABI.

I got this I got that first one to raise his hand because it could mean that he could volunteer to go get something versus volunteer to speak. And so nobody knew he couldn’t read because he was always active in the classroom, you know, deflecting. And so the one thing that may help you and we’re gonna talk about this as we get into your story is maybe there’s a way to take all the things that you were doing except the pathological lying and use it in business now as a positive.

Yeah, because I know Richard Branson was dyslexic, right? Yeah. And you know that Einstein was dyslexic, right? Yeah. So we’re going to by the end of this conversation, I’m going to share with you some tremendously empowering things that I’ve learned. Having a kid with dyslexia and later in life, even being told that I have mild dyslexia and it’s gonna be wildly liberating. But before I can give you some of these solutions about how I want you to think now and how proud I want you to feel, we’ve got to get to the heart of how that experience triggered you.

Mm hmm. So what was it like either walking down the hall or being in class and being pulled out? What was that moment like in your body when you knew I’m separating from the pack? It’s tough because, right, like I said, you just want so bad to not be picked out. Yeah. Not to point it out, if I was gonna be pointed out in any way, I’d wanted to be on my own terms and not by the terms that I was.

I didn’t have any problem being different. That wasn’t a problem, but it was when I didn’t have any control. That’s like it was really tough. Gotcha. So when did this start? How old were you? Right when I got in so early elementary school. Gotcha.

So you said that your coping mechanism was to be a pathological liar. Mm hmm. Why did you lie about everything? Anything should. Yeah. Just get people. Oh, wow. He’s like, that’s really interesting. Yeah. Know, I got a really interesting story. And, you know, it’s the biggest lie ever. Tell Vegas. It was never like huge when there’s like the small ones, it’s add up or add up and add up over time.

So were you on edge all the time that people would find out? Or had you become so fluent lying?

No, I was good. I well, I think everyone thinks they’re good, but internet start. Right. But it’s when there’s so many little lies out there, that’s when it becomes really hard to manage. It would just they came naturally. I was just full shit, like desperate to fit in and desperate not to be judged. I want to connect with everybody. Did you ever falling out with friends over it? Yes. And now the challenge now is sometimes you’re like.

Is he full of shit? Like, is he still full shit?

Do you think that that’s what they’re thinking? Or do you actually know that that’s what they’re thinking? Half and half. Then what’s your biggest fear? So what is it that you’re still afraid of?

My fear is now that I’ve been able to find some success, that I feel like the more success I’ve gotten, the more pressure that I’ve gained. That if you lose it, it’s going to come down hard and it’s gonna be really embarrassing for you. You know, because once I was able to find some success. All those relationships changed. All the what? Yeah. With my friends, family, they all viewed me very differently.

How so? They were surprised. They were surprised. Did that piss you off? Yeah. Pressure. Because when you’re when I was young, I just I always remember just saying, like, just instead of being so judgmental, could you please just like, believe in me? Who would you say that to? My two older sisters. Okay. And that was always very much like just how could you just, like, believe in me and encourage me rather than, you know.

Because there was a long time where we. Our relationship has really gotten a lot better over more recent years. But it’s only been since I’ve found some success because there was a time where we kind of went through the cycle where they were trying to mentor and influence. And, yeah, I encouraged me to do better. And then they kind of gave up on that. Once I got success, some that some that started to change. And that also.

And it was. Hey, how are you? Yeah. How’s everything going? Which is great. I really love the fact that these relationships are getting back to you. Yeah. A really good state.

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe they’re not the ones that changed who you are? Yeah. That it’s not about your success at all. It’s about how success has changed you. You’re more open. You are happier. You are more open and receiving. To people coming in. I want you to consider that your coping mechanism. Making a joke about things, being a pathological liar. It trained the people in your life to treat you a certain way.

You did that. They didn’t do that. You did. And when you realize that it both sucks on one level because you can’t blame everybody else. And on the other hand, for somebody that wants to be in control, it’s very liberating. Because what it means is it means that. You can’t directly change somebody else. They’ve got to do the work themselves. But you can behave in a way that makes it easier and more enjoyable for other people to be around you.

And what is interesting is that you’re afraid of the judgment and you’re a little bit resentful of what you see, which is everybody’s now come back around because everything’s easy. But if you were to change your story about it, to be. Everybody has come back around because I’m finally myself. And I only became successful when I stopped lying and I started just being transparent and acting like myself. What do you see in what I just said? I never thought of it that way.

Not even close. Not even close. When you lie, you create barriers between you and other people. I think about my past a lot and how lying in particular damaged my long term friendships. I have still, you know, lots of Facebook friends. And if I go back to Michigan and there’s people in town that are still there and I see them out of Lake Michigan wing Stan have beer, chit chat and all that stuff, but there is no relationship there.

I have one close friend from high school. I destroyed the intimacy and the connection with most people because I was a liar. And it’s not even that they knew I was a liar. It’s that I was such a chameleon that I don’t even feel connected to anybody from that part in my life. Does that feel familiar? Really familiar. And then I got to college and same thing. I had two very serious relationships with really awesome guys, but I was a serial liar.

I have one very close friend from college who knew what I was struggling with, like that one true friend knows all along. What you’re dealing with. And that’s why the relationship stands the test of time, because they always got the real you know, everybody else got the chameleon. And it’s only now that I am myself. That I have these extremely deep relationships, and it’s not because I’m successful at all. It’s because I I’m giving people the opportunity to know me.

Yeah. Like, I bet with your sisters in particular, you were like a gigantic screw you. Tell me what’s going on. Oh, yeah. That’s exactly how it was.

And what is it like for you if you’re around people that are like, get out of here. I’m not listening to you. Do you want to hang out with them now? No, I. They’re like poison. I don’t. I tried so hard, right, Tug? I find that I’m isolating myself and I’m almost becoming more so. When I was young, I was. I was. Yeah, I was out there. I was. Yeah.

Look at me. Look at me. And now I’m so much more introverted. So much more introverted. And I tell myself it’s because I’m I’m really being picky and choosy of who I put myself. Yeah. Like the environment I put myself around and trying to stay away from from negative situations, negative people, things like that. But it’s it’s made me a much more introverted person. Is that a good thing or do you miss, like, the social piece of life?

Both I’m always very, very in my own head, so I really, really enjoy that, you know, being introverted a little bit. But it’s really lonely. Yeah, it’s super lonely a lot. Yeah. So I choose to work from home, even like my office is five minutes away. And I have a bunch of people in my office I really love and care about and most face time with. But I choose to stay home. Why one, I am more productive now when I’m there just wanting to remove myself from all that just bullshit drama that people think is important.

That just is not important at all here.

Right. I mean, bullshit drama is not important at all. But there’s something that you said just a couple moments ago. You said that you are super lonely. A lot. And some people do work better at home. But in your case, I think you’re isolating on purpose and you’re doing it because of patterns from the past and feeling as though you can’t control what people think at work. So you don’t even want to show up there. Now, in order to deal with this, let’s circle back to something that you said earlier.

A huge trigger for you are moments when you feel like things are about to go out of control. You don’t like that feeling at all. Most of us hate it. So why do you tell me about a moment when you were younger, when you didn’t have control?

I would be put into these specialty, like learning yet in reading, you know, reading and writing classes. But you resented what? Yeah, for sure. But what I would really in trouble. Yes. Tell me why I would really, really get in trouble. Yes. We used to do this thing called popcorn reading. Are you familiar with that?

Is that where you treat a set of word and incentive? Yeah. So you have your textbook and you know, there’s 10 paragraphs and you popcorn read. Meaning what? I call on you. And yeah. So the teacher will say, yeah, Mel, you read the first paragraph. You read the first paragraph.

And then you pick who goes next. OK. That was like then because I was a class clown. Yeah. And that was I was getting attention. That’s when that would backfire on me. So there were times where if I knew we were going to be doing like doing like reading out loud, anything like that. Also not in the bathroom. Yeah. Right. So, you know, I always find an excuse to leave the room. And I remember we were I was in a class and yeah.

I was picked to go. And that was it was terrifying because, you know, I couldn’t read very well to begin with. And then, you know, having to read through and just stumbling over every word and that it’s like everyone’s attention is directly like on me. All right. Let’s talk about this moment. Say you’re sitting in class, you realize, oh, my God, we’re about to pop corn read. You know what happens in your body when you have that immediate realization that you’re about to lose control because you’re not picking when you’re called on.

Yeah. And you’re about to be judged by everybody because you can’t do this very well. What do you feel, Pitt? Does your heart start to race? Do you immediately like what happens in your body personally?

Stomach drops, heart rate comes up like sweaty palms, thinking, how do I get myself out of this? In hindsight, I’m like, I’ve got very poor reading and writing ability. And then once people started to realize that you’re only put in that situation once, once or twice before that other people pick up on that and then they purposely pick you. Right. Because I was funny. That’s right. It wasn’t funny. No, no, it wasn’t funny to me.

Right. But what happens for all of us is that when you have a couple experiences that are repeated like that, you start to have a visceral response to situations where your feeling out of control and where you’re feeling like you might be judged and the desire to remove yourself is an interesting one that I think ties into something that’s going on now that we’re going to get back to going back to the popcorn incident. So I was called on and then, yeah, the teacher would say, all right, Casey, you know, this is your paragraph.

And I would just hold no. I was like, no, I’m not reading and I don’t care what you say. And this turned into like a like all the students were like, oh, no, like what is going to happen? It was like a very intense, like moment. And I remember I can either read or I can blow this thing up and like create a situation where we’re not going to get back to reading this book. And I remember that I just went off on a teacher and what I say.

Do you remember I was yelling. Yeah. Right in the middle of the class. Yeah. And all had he dragged me out of the room, he wasn’t going to allow me to confront him in front of all the students. I remember it. Yeah. He pulled me out of the room and there were a bunch of people in the hallway and they witnessed us going back and forth. But I was not going to put, like, allow myself to put in that situation.

You have a defense mechanism that’s hard. Wire to get out when that lack of control is triggered. Yeah, and that’s a really important thing.

And to know that it starts with a stomach drop and it starts with, like, your heart racing. And then there’s a moment where you pull the chute, so to speak, and you’re out. Yeah, that’s a really critical thing for you to understand about yourself, because it’s all triggered by lack of control.

Yeah. Can you think of another moment that stood out for you? Yeah.

So we’re there. We’re at our graduation. I didn’t want to go to my graduation. I don’t blame you, but I know like my mom, my dad, their child, they were like super probably like, oh my gosh. Like, you’ve made it. You like you are going, you know. Yeah. So we’re sitting there and the principal, you know, of our school is up there. And, you know, he was talking about all the people that they really thought were going to exceed and do really big things.

And yeah, they their futures were so bright. And I remember he said he goes and then we had some people that didn’t quite think we’re gonna make it. And then he named dropped me. It was me and one other kid and he named drops me. And I just I remember I was like, get me out of like this is why I didn’t want to like this was the last school moment that I had. And it turned out to be terrible.

So, yeah. And I couldn’t leave. No, I didn’t. I sucked it up.

There’s something that I want you to understand, Casey, the same epiphany that you had about your sisters, meaning maybe it’s not them, it’s you. Mm hmm. I’m not saying what the principal did was right. I think I understand the intent, especially on the part of an educator, that it was sort of literally like in a weird way, a compliment. In a weird way, you put the spotlight on yourself as a way to deflect from the learning disability and to take control.

And you hate it when other people put the spotlight on you. Yeah. Hate it. And if you heard of the term impostor, senator, I think you fed it to a T..

It’s just a term that’s very helpful and understanding moments in your life where you don’t feel like you belong in your current life. You feel like you’re an impostor in it. It’s almost like you relate to yourself as if you’re still that kid that’s in high school.

And you’re not fully present in your body in this moment, owning the shift that you intentionally created. And not only how you treat people, how you think about yourself and the successes that you’ve felt. And so you go through your life and you don’t truly feel a sense of ownership about what you’ve created for yourself.

Mm hmm. Does that feel like it?

Yeah, 100 percent.

I’ve been able to do a lot of things that people didn’t expect from me. So one of my biggest fears is keeping that momentum and not allowing people’s thoughts and expectations of me to come true. So the fear of proving people right that had those poor expectations of me. Yeah. Growing up throughout my life, you still care. I think the imposter thing might have less to do with the amount of success you’ve created and more to do with the fact that you still question whether or not you’re a phony.

You still wonder, am I being me? I don’t even know who the hell I am because I was this way in high school and I was this way in my 20s. And what am I supposed to be like? I think you’re you’ve never been in a situation where you feel fully at ease with who you are and where you are.

And that’s the only thing that’s holding you back. You have imposter syndrome because you haven’t embraced fully who you have become.

It’s my new favorite. What did you get? What just happened? I mean, it’s just like like how did I miss that? Because you’re in it. You know, when you’re outside of somebody else’s experience, you can see the patterns that keep showing up that you can’t see. And you either react or you don’t. And the things that you react on become the patterns that I start to explore. And the pattern that we’re looking at is how does fear trigger you?

You act it out. You behaved in ways that maybe weren’t even you. So here’s what here’s the other thing that’s really awesome, is that there’s a lot of research that suggests that the majority of us begin our lives with one personality and over the course of our lives, completely change. And what I want to know, how old are you? Twenty eight. So who do you want to be? Let’s because. Because we got the old piece.

And I do think it would be worth your time to have somebody tell you. Well, this is you know, you have dyslexia too. There. There you go. You got it seemed like. Wow. I was one of those kids that had just I couldn’t fucking read. I mean, imagine what it must have been like for me.

No, I know that. But is it what is it about of having someone else tell me that? I know that. You know that. You know that that’s true. Yeah, 100 percent. OK. I think that you need to retell the story then. Mm hmm. So instead of it being I got pulled out of and I got put into and I was the class clown, I think you can tell it in a way that is much less traumatic.

You ready? Yeah, something like this. I had undiagnosed dyslexia growing up. I couldn’t read at all. And the school never diagnosed it. They put me in special education classes. I never got any of the specialized tutoring for it. And I’m shocked I made it through high school. And on another level, thank God I had it. Because you’re good at business because of it. You know, the other thing that I wanted to say about it is that you’ve come through the other side.

You get to decide who you are. And so I want you to think about. And then let’s list some of the things about who are you? What kind of person are you? You get to say, I’m honest, authentic, genuine. Anything else fun? Yeah. Caring, loving, great. As much as I can. Great.

Being very aware when I’m not so honest, caring, fun, hardworking, successful. When you have imposter syndrome. You question whether or not you are those things. And what I want you to do because you’re big. The big fear for you is a loss of control is anytime somebody comments or says something that to you triggers. Am I honest? Am I hard working? Am I successful? Am I genuine? Am I fun? That’s when you’re gonna have to say or come up with something where you’re like, absolutely.

I am like, oh, I the next time somebody comments like, Dude, are you drunk? What the hell is going on? And you feel your stomach drop or you feel your heart race. That’s fear getting triggered. That’s the loss of control. That’s the old wound of being found out or feeling like a fraud. And it’s that moment where you get to decide, well, wait a minute, the class clown just got triggered. I’m the 28 year old successful real estate agent.

This is exactly why I’m here. So what are you gonna do when you go back home with these light bulbs? One of the things that I’m really excited for is so much of what we talked about today. I haven’t ever talked about. But I know that sharing my story, especially until a large platform to be authentic, you have to own the story. Yeah. So I’m really excited to go home and to continue to own the story and change a little bit of how I tell that story.

Great. Like you just said. Yeah. I was a class clown on that title. Yeah. Yeah. I’ve never thought about it like that. I hope that that’s how people begin to think about it. No, it’s how you how I think I need to think about it. Remember, if your fear is losing control. Remember that the only thing that you can control is what you say and what you do. And if you own and have no drama, our embarrassment or shame about what happened in high school, no one else will have it either.

Yeah. Don’t be ashamed and embarrassed about who you were. Be in awe of the fact that you survived it. Be proud of the fact that you made it through. Be amazed that you were as resilient and as creative and as resourceful as you were. Bring that fun and that levity to it. Because being too serious about it and hiding it, it gives it too much power. When you own the story in a different way, it becomes something powerful for you.

Yeah. Not done to you. Yeah. Yeah. Makes sense. So tell me, what have you learned today? I learned that who I was does not dictate who I am and who I’m becoming and that I grew through this process and I changed. And it was an everyone else’s opinions and how they perceived who I am, but that all the change came for me and I need to own that. What I’m flipping is owning who I was when I was young and people’s perceptions of me and flipping that to a different story.

It’s the same story, but telling it different.

Casey just said, one of my all time favorite lines that I think I’ve ever heard anybody say who I was does not dictate who I am and who I’m becoming.

I must say that again, I want you to wrap your arms and your brain around this. Who I was. Does not dictate who I am and who I’m becoming.

And then he added in the second piece, all the change came for me. And I need to own that.

And so do you. So do you.

You need to own that to all the change is going to come from you own it. All right. I’m done. We’re out. No, I’m just kidding. I’m just kidding.

All right. That right there. If you follow those two pieces of advice, who I was does not dictate who I am and who I’m becoming.

And all the change comes from me. I need to own it. That’s all you need to know.

But in order to live by those two powerful statements, let’s unpack what we learned from Casey. There are six really awesome things that you’re going to be able to apply to your life. The first takeaway, of course, is that in order to get control of your life, you have to first understand what you do when you feel afraid. As I’ve said now three times before, and I’m get to keep on saying it, because this is the key takeaway.

There is a pattern that you may not even realize that you have. And every single time that you’re afraid, you do the exact same thing and it’s become so automatic.

It’s now a habit. And once you see this pattern that’s triggered by fear, you then have the power to change the pattern. And if you change your response to fear, you’re going to get control of your life.

Now, for Casey, he was terrified of being judged and he was scared of being put in a situation where he’s going to get called out. Now, once you know what you’re afraid of.

Ask yourself, well, what do I do when I feel afraid? So now that we know that Casey is scared of being in situations where he could be called out, what does he do?

Well, as a result of his fears, he tries to manage what people think about him. And most importantly, he avoids situations where he feels he could be put on the spot. The hardest thing in the world for most of us is to just be ourselves and not try so darn hard to fit in.

That’s why I love this story with Casey, because it highlights something that may not seem like a big deal, but if you’ve ever had an experience where you were separated from your friend group or you were separated from your family or you were separated from a tribe of people that you thought you belong to.

Or like Casey, you were called out publicly for being different. It can impact you for the rest of your lifetime.

And in order for you to start to live your life and be fully yourself, you’re going to have to understand how the experience of being separated is triggering you to do things in your adult life.

And that brings us to the next takeaway, which is about recognizing that there may have been moments where you were separated from the pack and those moments can have a much deeper impact on you than you probably realize.

Remember how Casey said he just so wanted to be normal and fit in? I think every kid feels that way. But I want to remind you of exactly what he said in the coaching session about this.

For me, it’s tough because you so bad want to be just normal like all the other kids. Right. So any time that you’re pulled aside and put into special anything, it’s it’s really challenging because I knew, you know, so I’d say, well, how come I’m not like all the other kids. Right. But that was the biggest day. That was one of the biggest challenges, is just being put in these special classes and not, you know, not being and walking into those classes.

Right. So seeing all my friends, you know, in the hallways and then they’re like, oh, well, we’re going to English. Well, I’m going to English here.

I’m just going to a different one. You know, hearing him say because you so bad want to be just normal like all the other kids, right? That is that hard wired thing in you, that survival mechanism. You want to be part of something. And he’s right. It is really challenging. And as kids, we have so many defining moments, not just at home in situations like Heather described, where the home life is really tense and her parents were always on edge and that impacted her, but especially in school with your peers getting cut from the team.

I can be one of the hardest things that you face because you’re no longer part of a team or worse, you’re no longer considered one of the jocks. And those rejections were you’re separated. They had hard because we define ourselves based on our friend groups and our associations and teams and tribes.

And people certainly do it with political parties now. And that association being part of a group that can become your entire identity.

You’re a theater kid or you’re part of the popular crowd or you’re not part of the popular crowd or you’re a town, you’re a brainiac. And if you have a positive association with the group that you feel you belong to, that’s fantastic. But if you have a negative one like Casey did, that he was stuck with the people who aren’t smart.

You can carry that forward for the rest of your life. And that’s a problem. Remember Helen Rose’s session, we talked about people who see the opportunities, they see the Bengals on the table or they see excuses and obstacles. They see the long line.

Well, I think you can also become the kind of person that either sees places where you fit in and belong or you start to see the world as a place where you don’t. And if you feel like you don’t belong, you can start to see the entire world that way. And it’s important to get a hold of this and flesh it out now, because if you feel like you’re about to be the one who’s going to be thinned from the herd, you know, like in one of those wildlife specials where the pack runs to the right, there’s one poor deer running straight now.

Oh, my gosh. It’s terrifying.

It’s terrifying when you’re the one that’s standing alone.

You’ll do anything to find the pack. You’ll do anything to fit in. And, you know, there are moments in your life where you’re going to feel that way. And it can be scary. And it’s why we avoid it like the plague.

In fact, this phenomenon, this need to feel like you belong because it makes you feel safe. It’s one of the reasons why a lot of you avoid networking, especially if you have any kind of social anxiety or introversion because you have no idea what’s going to happen when you walk into a big networking reception. You’re alone.

You don’t have any control over who you’re going to meet or how people are going to react to you. And so it can threaten your sense of personal control. It can magnify the fact that you don’t belong. And so walking into that networking event, it’s a moment for you where you realize you’re on your own. And that can be very disruptive. Even going to the gym alone can be confronting for this reason because you’re so aware that you’re on your own.

And we just want to belong. We want to fit in here. You look around, oh, there’s the weight lifting crowd. I don’t belong over there. Oh, there’s the people running on the treadmills. I don’t know. There’s the group fitness people. I know all those are the people that have the mat routine that are doing the berp is OK. Where do I fit in. Where. I mean, we see it everywhere and most of us develop a strategy that becomes our default in order to try to fit in to whatever group or whatever situation we’re walking into.

And in Casey’s case, in order to fit in, he became the class clown and a liar to survive high school. Here he is explaining it. So how did you cope with it? What was the thing you did? Yeah. In order to cope so back in the day, which is so strange, is I’m pretty complete opposite now. I was definitely the class clown like, you know, trying to get attention. I pathological liar. I would lie about everything just like.

Yeah, sorry. I’m laughing now. I was too. Yeah. But it was because, you know, because I didn’t want. Yeah. I do want to go. I want people to focus on that. Right. So I wanted to create something else that became the focus.

Yeah, it was classic deflection for Casey, for me. You know, I’m laughing, but it’s no joke. I had a huge lying problem in high school because I hated myself and I did not like the person that I was. So I thought in order to fit in, I would just lie. I would figure out what is it that other people want to hear? What is it that this group’s about? What is it that that groups about?

And I would lie in order to be a part of it.

Look, if you don’t feel like you belong as Casey did, you’re going to do one of two things. You’re either going to begin to change your behavior and mold it so that you do fit in or you’re going to create a story in your head that you don’t belong anywhere. And you’re gonna start to see the world as a place where you’ve got no place that you belong here and start to feel incredibly lonely and isolated. It’s in those moments when you feel like you don’t belong.

Walking into a networking meeting, walking into the gym, it might even be sitting at a table at a holiday meal with your family and seeing all the ways in which you don’t belong. I’m here to tell you this is an old story. This is fear triggering you. This is something fundamental where you decided that you don’t fit in. And now you’re seeing ways all over the place where that’s true. And in order to get control of your life, you’re going to need to change your response to this fear that you don’t fit in, this belief that you don’t fit in.

To help you do that, there are more exercises in the workbook that you can walk through. And there are prompts in there they’re going to help you identify.

OK, what were the moments that made you feel that you don’t belong? When did that start to happen? And more importantly. Because I know it triggered fear. What did you do to manage the fear?

Because we got to change your response to the fear that you don’t fit in so you can start to catch yourself, take control of your body and redirect your thoughts before you head down the old path.

Now, let’s talk about the third takeaway, and it’s all about how you handle learning differences, whether they are learning differences that you have or learning differences that your son or daughter may have. And especially since I know so many of your parents. I want to take a moment to talk about kids who struggle with learning style differences, especially if you didn’t fit neatly into some box that the school wanted to put you in.

And as you know, this is personal for me, having had a son that has dyslexia, having dealt with dyslexia myself. I know how challenging it can be.

And Casey, certainly explain this to you about how bothered and upset he was that he had absolutely no control over what other people said about him.

He told me he wanted to control what people were thinking. He wanted to control how they viewed him. Here he is in the coaching session describing it. Tough because, right? Like I said, you just want so bad to not be picked out. Yeah. Not to point it out, if I was gonna be pointed out any way, I’d wanted to be on my own terms and not by the terms that I was. I didn’t have any problem being different.

That wasn’t the problem. But it was when I didn’t have any control. That’s when it was really tough.

That’s a really important distinction because he used the big word we’d been talking about this entire time control.

I didn’t have any problem being different. See, I don’t think any of us do if we feel it’s a strength. The problem, as he said, was that I didn’t have control over it. And that’s what triggered the fear. See, he wasn’t dealing with being different.

It was the fear that he felt when he got separated. It was the fear that he felt in those moments when he felt like, holy cow, I’m about to lose control of what’s gonna happen in this classroom.

And one really important thing to understand is that when you are labeled something, it’s applied by other people. So when you are told that you’re going in that classroom, somebody else is in control of what’s happening to you. And Casey didn’t want to be labeled a certain thing.

But in our conversation, I encouraged him, even though he knows that he’s dealing with a learning difference to go get a formal diagnosis.

It’s really powerful to seek a diagnosis because when you seek it out, you’re in control of the process of figuring out what’s going on.

It’s really powerful to have a neuro psych report worked up on you. And if you’re struggling with reading, writing, focusing, processing information, if you’ve the ability to do this, I cannot recommend this strongly enough because a diagnosis about how you learn and how you think is going to give you tremendous relief.

It’s actually going to give you control. And it was a really important realization for me.

I got diagnosed later in life with ADHD and mild dyslexia.

And it was so liberating because I finally understood the issues I had been struggling with for decades. See, a diagnosis makes a difference because it gives you a map to the patterns.

It shows you and reveals to you all of the things that you’re doing, which then empowers you, because now that you have the answer to how it is that you think and process information, you can actually understand the patterns, the struggles and the behaviors that you might not have been able to see before. And it also then gives you the ability to solve any issues that you face because you know what you’re dealing with. You’re not stupid. You just don’t have neural pathways that have developed.

You’re not slow. Your brain just solves problems a different way, which means once you know what you’re dealing with, you can actively find resources to help you better understand yourself, your brain, or if you’re a parent, you can understand and take control of the resources that your child needs.

It’s really that simple. The other thing that’s super cool is once you know what you’re dealing with, it’s so easy to see the advantages of having a learning difference. You know, our son Oakley also has dyslexia. In addition to dyslexia is dysgraphia. ADHD has some challenges with executive functioning and speed of processing. And we lived through so many emotional years watching our son struggle with self-doubt.

Coaching Casey was an interesting experience for me because I felt like I was talking to a grown up version of my son, hearing the story of what it was like for Casey to go in one direction to the classroom for the kids that needed extra resources versus where his friends were going. Oakley is described the exact same story. And we faced years of struggles where he felt nothing but self-doubt and he felt like the one that wasn’t smart. And he questions his self-worth.

And he felt out of control at school and he felt like he couldn’t do anything. He felt so different than everybody else.

And you know what?

It took five years and a couple schools to finally find a really great environment for having a learning difference. Yes, a thousand percent. It can be a big struggle in school, but to tell you some. It is an advantage in life. It’s an advantage to learn differently because your learning style, if you learn differently. It forces you to be a creative thinker and a problem solver.

You see things that other people can’t see because your brain works differently. Genau reported 25 percent of CEOs of dyslexic. So are half the judges on Shark Tank. My friend Daymond John, Kevin O’Leary, Barbara Corcoran all have dyslexia and they’ve all said it’s made them better entrepreneurs.

I’ll tell you, I feel the exact same way about my. I look at things so differently because of the dyslexia. Plus, here’s another thing that’s cool.

You’re learning difference can make you more resilient in the long run.

It can be a real struggle when you’re a kid because you spend so many hours a day being asked to do things that your brain can’t actually do. But what happens is you get used to failing and you get used to trying over and over, and you get used to understanding that you’ve got to work a little bit harder than everybody else. You’ve got to work a little bit differently than everybody else. And that is going to pay dividends in your adult life.

So if you’re a parent of a child with a learning difference, I have some advice. Number one, and this is the most important and perhaps the hardest. You must be the safe place for them when they get home. School is so hard for anyone with a learning difference. And the reason why it’s hard is because you have to pay attention harder than everybody else.

All day long. So when you come home after a day in school, you are emotionally and mentally wiped out. In fact, I mentioned this in Rose’s session, that when you have to hold it together in the outside world, when you walk in the front door of your house, you want it to be a safe place to let it all hang out. And so what I want you to do if you have a kid with a learning difference is understand that every single day is as intellectually taxing as taking the essay tease.

You have to pay attention in order to perform. And so you got to be the safe place for them to have the meltdown because they’ve been holding it together all day long.

Second, super important for you to always praise the effort they’re putting in. Now, we talked about this in depth and Heather’s session. The growth versus the fixed mindset. And this is a lifeline for somebody with a learning difference like Casey, myself or Oakley.

If you have a learning difference, you already believe you’re not smart and nobody can convince you that you’re smart.

And I’m gonna tell you why. Because you sit all day in a classroom where all you see is evidence that everybody else is smarter than you. They’re faster than you. I’ll never forget Oakley coming home and saying after I his teacher asked the question, Mom, all the hands go up and I’m still thinking.

Or the other day when he came home said, why does everybody know all the states?

And I can only remember 11 of them.

So your job, the school’s job, it should be to reinforce the idea that everybody learns differently. But if you put in the effort and you practice, you can get better at anything over time. Super important to reward the work and focus on creating a growth mindset. Third, please be their advocate. There are tutors, services, online videos, lots of resources that will empower you and hand you the tools that you need in order to help your son or daughter build the skills that they need to adapt.

But more importantly, be their advocate for doing more of what they’re good at.

You know, just because they don’t like school and they’re not that great at it doesn’t mean they’re not going to be successful.

All the research points to the fact that you will be more successful if you focus on the things that you enjoy and that you’re good at.

You know, there’s a reason why our son loves video games and musical theater. It’s because it’s the one thing in his life that is better than all his peers. And it comes naturally. It comes easily. And by the way, it doesn’t require reading and writing. It requires performing, which is really good. That’s why he wants to do it all the time. So you know what? We let him. We let him. And fourth, remember, it’ll get better.

Yes, dyslexia, any kind of learning difference. It can be a struggle during the school year. But trust me when I say it is an advantage in the long run, it will pay dividends in your adult life. And I promise it will get better. Now, the fourth take away, the fourth takeaway is about the difference between being introverted versus isolating yourself, being introverted is a personality trait. And the best way to describe somebody who considers themselves to be introverted is that it’s about energy.

Actually, when you’re around other people or you’re in the spotlight. It drains you. That’s how, you know, you’re more introverted, that it drains you to be the focus.

It drains you to be around other people. It doesn’t mean you don’t like other people. It doesn’t mean you can’t be around other people. It just means that you’ve got to protect your energy because being around other people or having to project yourself as the center of attention. It’s extremely draining.

So introverts need to be alone in order to refuel. That’s all that it means. And if you’re introverted, embrace it.

I think we live in a society where the world praises people who are bold and extroverted and outspoken.

But the truth is, the research shows that people that are introverted are better leaders. I tend to have a bit of both sides. I can talk, talk, talk, talk, talk on a stage and I can perform and I get energized by being around people. But the truth is, when I’m done, I collapse. I need to go home. I need to sleep. And I also hate big parties. I hate small talk. I hate networking.

It drains the heck out of me. So I’m got a little bit of both, which is also pretty common. But what Casey is talking about in his coaching session is different than being an introvert.

You see, when we were talking, I picked up on the fact that he is in real estate and he doesn’t go into the office.

And so I wanted to tease out whether or not he’s just introverted and people drain him or if he was doing something that I don’t want you to do, which is isolating himself. Check this out. I find that I’m isolating myself and I’m almost becoming more so. When I was young, I was. I was yeah, I was out there. I was. Yeah. Look at me. Look at me. And now I’m so much more introverted, so much more introverted.

And I tell myself it’s because I’m I’m really being picky and choosy of who I put myself. Yeah. Like the environment I put myself around and trying to stay away from from negative situations. Negative people, things like that. But it’s it’s made me a much more introverted person.

Is that a good thing or do you miss, like, the social piece of life. Both I. I’m always very, very in my own head. So I really, really enjoy that. You know, in term, you know, being introverted a little bit. But it’s really lonely. Yeah. Super lonely a lot. Yeah. So I choose to work from home quite even like my office is five minutes away. And I have a bunch of people in my office I really love and care about and love spending time with.

But I choose to stay home now.

Take away number five is about imposter syndrome. Typically when you hear about imposter syndrome, it’s usually in regard to a professional setting. And it’s the idea that you feel like people are going to find out that you don’t know what you’re doing. You know, you’re new to the real estate business and you feel like an imposter because you’ve only sold a couple houses.

You’re new to practicing law and you feel like an imposter. You’re new to dating.

And you’re newly divorced and single and you feel sort of like an imposter at this thing and that somebody is going to find out that you’re a fraud and imposter syndrome happens because you’re trying something new and you’re learning. And that makes you feel a little uncomfortable. And every time you do something for the first time, you’re probably going to feel like an imposter. Just remind yourself, hey, you’re learning. You’re gonna feel a little bit like a fraud when something is new.

But if you keep showing up, you’re gonna get the skills. You’re going to get your footing. And next thing you know, you’re going to not feel like an imposter at all.

You’re going to feel like an old pro at this. Now, Casey has an interesting twist on imposter syndrome. He feels like an imposter in his own life. I want you to take a listen to this moment in the coaching session where he admits this. I think I don’t think so good. But in turn, extant. Right. But it’s when there are so many little lies out there, that’s when it becomes really hard to manage. It would just they came naturally.

I was just full shit, like desperate to fit in and desperate not to be judged. You know, I want to connect with everybody. Did you ever falling out with friends over. Yes, and now the challenge now is sometimes like, is he full of shit because he’s still full of shit? You know, it’s interesting is he doesn’t know that anybody is actually saying this. He’s changed so much. He feels like nobody from his past is going to see that change.

And so he himself is feeling like an imposter in his new life.

Now, this can happen for you if you’ve lost a ton of weight. So maybe you used to weigh 300 plus pounds or more and now you are much, much, much lighter on the scale.

You feel healthier. You still relate to yourself as a person that is overweight.

And so you think, oh, my gosh, am I really a thin person, monna? Or maybe you change your relationship status and you went from marriage, divorce, or maybe you became sober and now you feel like an impostor in your own life because you spent so many years drinking. And you wonder, do people believe I’m sober? Do they believe that I’m going to stay sober? And so you start to question it. Or maybe like me, you became a much nicer, kinder person as you got older.

You’ve changed and you’ve worked so hard and you’ve earned that change.

But there’s something inside of you that still holds on to the old you.

This can also happen, by the way, if you launched a business and went bankrupt and now you’re on another one and you’re constantly worried, OK.

Am I successful? Am I.

This is not that other people are questioning the new you. You’re the one that’s questioning the new you.

Something’s still tugs at you asking. Deep inside, are you still that overweight person? Are you still the alcoholic or he’s the person that doesn’t have control of their life.

You’re not yet able to claim your new identity because you held on to the old one for so long.

And it’s especially poignant this moment when you meet people from your past who remind you of your past. There’s a reason why a lot of people have anxiety about going to a high school or college reunion. One reason is because you’re not proud of where you are and you’re kind of embarrassed about where you’re at at this moment in your life.

But the other reason is the kind of imposter syndrome that Casey has, which is you’ve changed so much and you’ve worked so hard that you almost can’t believe it.

And so walking into a situation where people only know you from the old, you can raise this inside yourself. And, you know, there’s some interesting research around this. It’s about the in-between space where, you know, you’re not the old version of you yet. You haven’t fully embraced the new version of you. It’s called authenticity limbo. And Casey is living with this type of imposter syndrome. He’s proud of what he’s accomplished, but he’s still not fully embracing what he’s been able to do.

And there’s a part of him that still feels like he doesn’t deserve the success he’s made for himself. But somehow he didn’t create it, that it’s luck, that it’s this. So part of Casey still feels kind of like that class clown who is evolution is he’s still full of shit. Is he still lying?

He’s living with an identity crisis. So what can you do about this kind of imposter syndrome? Well, the biggest revelation for Casey is the one that you need to absorb.

If you’re dealing with this and it’s all about owning the change that you’ve created here he is talking about it today.

I learned that who I was does not dictate who I am and who I’m becoming and that I grew through this process and I changed. And it wasn’t everyone else’s opinions and how they perceived who I am, but that all the change came from me and I need to own that.

All the change came for me and I need to own that. I love that so much. You know, this does not escape me either. Not at all. I just recently saw some people that I was very friendly with.

Like 15 years ago. And I’m a totally different person now. And it was right there in my face. Am I a different person? Do they see me as a different person? Wow. How do I even communicate? How much change? I’ll tell you. You don’t do it through words. You do it through your actions. I said it in the beginning of his takeaways, and I’m going to repeat it again right now. Who I was does not dictate who I am or who I’m becoming.

And all the change came for me and I need to own that. If you follow these two lines, your life will change. And when you run into people from your past, remember, it’s not what you say about the change. It’s what you demonstrate. It’s how you act. That’s what speaks volumes about who you are now.

And you know, what’s the biggest fix for Imposture Center on your story? You can fess up to whatever you know. How you were back in the day. What a liar you were, how insecure you were, how jealous you whatever.

But demonstrate who you are now. And that brings us to the next take away, the final takeaway from Casey is that when you own your story, it changes how your mind views things. When you share your stories with others, you take ownership over it, no matter what happened in the past. Do not run away from it. Do not be embarrassed by it. Own it. Even the stuff that you’re not proud of. I wasn’t perfect. Darn right I wasn’t.

I became the class clown because I had dyslexia and I couldn’t read. All true. And that was pretty effective.

Let me tell you, when you tell your story in a way that empowers you, it allows you to take control of the narrative. You know, one of the most empowering things that ever happened to me is when I fully, publicly owned that I have suffered from anxiety for decades. And when I fully, publicly own the things that anxiety drove me to do that I’m not proud of. I’m not excusing the behavior that I’m not proud of. But by explaining it and owning it, I have compassion and understanding for myself.

And it also allows me to close the book on that chapter and to step more powerfully in the one that I’m in now. When you tell your story in a way that empowers you, it allows you to take control of the narrative. And what people tend to do instead is we hide.

I get it. You’re embarrassed by shame. You didn’t pass. So am I. But don’t hold on to it. Well, you don’t realize is the more that you do that, the more power the past has over you right now, the bigger the stories get in your mind. And the whole time you keep that story inside yourself, afraid that people are gonna find out that you almost got divorced or that you cheated on your husband or that you had anxiety or that you had depression or that you struggle with bipolar that may be alive in high school, or maybe you were a jerk in high school or whatever it may be.

When you own your story, you take that power of judgment away from everybody.

What do they have to judge you on? You’ve told your story on it. You’re the one in the driver’s seat steering the wheel. Now you have control. This is how you take control. You stop hiding. And our brains are wired for stories.

The research shows that reconstructing our personal story narratives very healing.

As Bernie Brown says, when we deny the story.

It defines us when we own the story. We can write a brave new ending. Every single time Casey owns his story, I was a liar. I was a class clown. I was humiliated because I had a learning difference. When he owns it, he diminishes the power of the fear that’s in his head and he gets back control. And I want you to do the same thing. So how does Casey feel about owning the story now? You can hear from him directly.

One of the things I’m really excited for is so much of what we talked about today. I haven’t ever talked about. But I know that sharing my story, special handle, large platform in order to own your story. I mean, to be authentic, you have to own the story. Yeah. So I’m really excited to go home and to continue to own the story and change a little bit of how I tell that story.

That’s right. Change it so that you own it. That’s right. Incredible. So let me recap the six takeaways from Casey’s coaching session. First, we always start with this. Follow your fear and understand what you do when you feel afraid in order to get control of your life. You must first understand what you do when you feel afraid. Casey is terrified of being judge and he’s scared of being put in a situation where he’s going to get called out.

So he tries to manage what people think about him and avoid situations in which he feels put on the spot.

If you change your response to fear, you will get control of your life. Second, the moments of being separated from the pack, from your tribe, from your friend group, it triggers us to feel like we don’t belong. It makes feel unsafe. It makes you feel like you’re threatened.

And as a result, we often create a story about ourselves. A character that we develop in order to try to fit in and to feel like we do belong.

So notice if, like Casey, you have a class clown in you or you are a liar, you do things whenever you start to feel a little threatened in order to fit in. Third, if you are a loved one, has a learning difference. Go get a diagnosis, understand it. See the patterns and be proactive about getting the resources and tools that you need.

And finally, remember, in the short term, it’s a struggle in the long term. It is an advantage, particularly when you take the time to reinforce a growth mindset. And if you want a refresher on the growth mindset, we covered it extensively and Heather’s coaching session. Fourth, there’s a major difference between being introverted and choosing to isolate yourself, isolating yourself is something you do to control other people’s perceptions of you. But it is a form of fake control.

If you’re isolating yourself, stop it. That is fear that is driving you. And in order to get control of your life, you have to change your response.

Fifth, impostor syndrome isn’t just when you’re trying something new and you feel like a fraud. It’s also when you feel like an impostor in your own life. You’ve changed.

But people still see the old you. It’s important to acknowledge the changes.

And that brings me to the final takeaway.

Own your story. It changes how your mind views things. It changes how you view things no matter what happened. I want you to own it. When you tell your story in a way that empowers you, it allows you to take control of the narrative of your life and of the direction of your future when you own your story. You take the power away from anyone else and you give yourself control. This next session is for anyone who feels that they can’t be themselves at work.

You’re going to meet a woman who had the kind of childhood where her mother was constantly disappointed and her mom would react at everything by yelling, which left her afraid of speaking up because it would upset her mother. And so consequently, she became terrified of getting in trouble in every area of her life. She developed a pattern that a lot of people do. It’s called being a chameleon. She blends in. She doesn’t speak up.

She does everything she can to avoid conflict. And it’s become a habit. And it’s having a very negative impact on her career, on her enjoyment of work and on her ability to advocate for herself and express her ideas. If you have trouble speaking up at work or being yourself around your boss or your colleagues or you act like a chameleon in order to fit in, there’s a tremendous number of takeaways that are going to help you change your response to situations that trigger you that are contained in this coaching session.

And by the end of it, you’re going to know exactly what to do so that you can not only speak up, but also so that you can get control of your life and your work and you really need to, because if you don’t, you’re never gonna make the money that you want. You’re not going to reach your goals at work. You’re not going to be successful the way that you deserve to be. And even worse, you’re never going to know who you really are and what you’re capable of achieving.

This coaching session is not only going to teach you how to find your voice and speak up at work, but it’s also going to give you the tools that you need to take control of your life. Now, let’s meet Amy. My name is Amy. I’m 46 years old. I’m from Michigan. I am married. I have four kids ages 26, 22, 10 and seven. And I worked for a local insurance carrier. Well, welcome.

Thank you. How can I help you wife here? Well, we’re here to talk about my greatest fear, my greatest fear is never really realizing who I truly am. I feel like I’ve been a chameleon most of my life. I mold into my environment to the people that I’m around, the atmosphere that I’m around. I take that all in.

And as I get older, I’m losing time to be able to realize who I am, what’s truly my thoughts, my own feelings, my beliefs. I want to be able to get that chance to realize my full potential and contribution I’m supposed to make this world. It’s pretty big and broad, you know. It’s also really common. Mm hmm. You’re not alone in feeling this. And I have used the word chameleon to describe myself.

Yeah. Do you remember kind of how and when this began? Feel like it’s been my whole life.

I grew up in a little bit of a tense environment where I never knew completely the mood mom was going to be and not that she was ever abusive or anything of that nature, just kind of.

I feel like she had these same struggles herself. So I was always trying to make sure the household was happy. She was happy. It carried over into, I believe, every aspect of my life.

Is she still alive? Yes. OK. Does she know that you feel this way? I don’t think that she would contributed to the atmosphere of growing up.

Well, let me draw a line in the sand real quick in case Mom’s listening, even though I think it’s impossible.

As a mom to not hear blame because we all pour our heart and souls and our kids and beat ourselves up when things don’t go according to plan. There’s a very big difference between what moms and dads are doing. And what kids internalize and perceive. We’re only going to look at one side of this, which is growing up in the household that you grew up in, experiencing what you experienced. Your perception, your way of internalizing it. It became part of.

Who you are. It became part of your nervous system, it became part of the stories that you tell yourself. It became part of the patterns that you think in. And we’re trying to figure out those, because while they may have been OK when you were little, they’re not working now that you’re an adult. Right. And my desire to address it is because I would like this conversation to be the first time, maybe ever that you are truly yourself.

And what I don’t want you doing is managing how to say something because your mother might hear it. So I want you to operate as though she’s never going to hear this. OK, so you’re starting to get upset. What I want you to do is tell me, what are you feeling in your body as the tears are coming to your eyes? My emotions come out in the form of tears and they come out in the form of hives on my neck.

And just because I feel like I’ve always stifled so much. So I feel like I don’t have just a mask, social mask, persay. I feel like I have an entire body of armor all the time.

And the older I get him, 46 years old, I feel like the heavier it is, the harder it is to just break free from it. So I feel like I’ve never truly been able to share true emotions as they come out.

So they come out as tears and hives and nervousness. That’s exactly what happens when you push down the thing that you don’t want to say. Like you’re suppressing it in your body. And when you suppress something, it builds and builds and builds. And then who it comes out. For some people, it comes out and they remove themselves or they burst out in anger or they get hives or they get tighten the chest or they start to, you know, breathe heavy or they you know, their face gets flush.

And for you, it’s all of that stuff because lump in my throat, a lump, I literally feel a lump in your throat. Like, you’ve got to say something. And I, I can’t say because I can’t relate to that.

I don’t know exactly what it is, but I just know that there’s something.

Kind of kind of come out kind of comment. Yes. The reason why it’s full body for you is you’ve been doing this since you were little. Right. You’re not just dealing with what’s triggering you in the moment. You’re dealing with a lifetime of stuff that needs to come out. Not that there’s a heavy amount of it. Not that there’s something big. It’s just it’s just that there’s so many times that you suppressed it, that it’s the number of times that you suppressed it that is forcing it to come out now.

Makes sense. Give me an example of where you felt like you were either shut down by somebody else or you suppressed yourself or you lied about something in order to make somebody happy?

Well, I can remember coming home one night and I was out with a friend and her older brother had driven us home and he had been just driving kind of crazy, just being us, just being silly and making my friend made my friend cry. And it was late at night. And I came home and I came up the stairs and I had too much, much younger brothers than I who were already in bed. And I came up the stairs and I was cold and I had my gloves on and I just slid my gloves down and said, I’m never riding with him again.

And the first thing she did was quiet down.

The boys were sleeping, you know, so just don’t truly express yourself, OK, right now.

There was another time where that one donated.

She had called off work for something. I don’t remember what now, but she had called in to say that she was sick and she was out when I got home from school doing an errand or something, and I called into work to tell her I was home. That, of course, they said, well, she’s she’s not here. And I told her I had done that and she was so me so mad because, you know, she had said she was going to.

To do something. Be somewhere. She was. She’d gotten caught in a lie. She got caught in it. But it was always this needing to portray a certain way of our family and who she was and who we were. And that was just a little piece of. Well, she’s not perfect. She didn’t just need a personal day or whatever she had going on. She had to call in to say that she was sick. And I got her in trouble where she was fearful that she was gonna get in trouble.

What do you feel that I feel that was the most ceilings you ever got hit or spanked or and and.

None of that was just darling. Nothing ever physical. And was she moody? Yes, very much so. What was that like for you? Tense. Made the whole atmosphere of the house tense. My stepdad came into the picture when I was about two. Wonderful man. They were two very different personalities, but made it work for a while, for quite a while and. But when they would get into a fight, an argument, it was silent tribute to each other for months on edge.

Months, months. So it was a standoff. Yes. It was very uncomfortable. It’s not surprising that if you’re living in a household where two adults that are married don’t speak for months, that you would somehow get the message that this is what you’re supposed to do. And I don’t know how that she knew how to express her thoughts and feelings either. And I think that’s probably where why it was the way it was.

Of course, when people are doing the best that they can. Mm hmm. And. It doesn’t really matter that she didn’t know how or she did know how and she decided not to or whatever, like what we need to deal with is that you grew up in a household where people didn’t talk to each other. Of course, you would not know how to express yourself. And given that your self-expression was so few and far between. Anytime there is anything critical, it was going to read like keep your mouth shut.

And caused me a lot of anxiety to try to express it.

So tell me about one of those moments growing up or anytime.

Like, how does it how does it impact you now? It’s very clear what what how you learned how to do this.

I mean, it affects everything. It affects personal relationships. If they’re if I may feel like I have a disagreement with how somebody is behaving, thinking, acting, it affects personal effects, business, it affects everything. I feel like I’m perpetually a child. That’s what I feel like. But like, I don’t know what I want to do or be when I grow up. I feel like I’m just stuck as a child. What does that even mean?

So it means I can look at someone and I can I can think, well, they’re younger than me. So I, I, I should have more confidence and more comfort in my own skin than I do.

And I’m intimidated by somebody else’s confidence level.

If someone’s older than me, I think while they’re older than me, they know better, they do better. And I just kind of physically feel like that child and I fight myself internally because I think logically I know better. I’m not. But I don’t know how to get that out. It’s an excellent analogy because that’s how you’re behaving. You’re right. You’re right. And not like you’re behaving like a child because that sounds so bad now.

You’re behaving like you were taught to when you were a child. Which is be seen but not heard. And when there’s any kind of issue, don’t talk about it. And when you do raise issues, you get the snark or the sarcastic or the pushback. Did you experience. No fighting at all between them? Just silence. No, I did. They were. There would be yelling. They’d be yelling for sure.

So it was either yelling silence or that kind of transactional thing in the middle. That’s uncomfortable for everybody.

Yeah. I mean, they there were at times and it was. That was good. Yeah. Good family life. But it was bad. It was bad.

When you’re in a situation now in your life where you are thinking about confidence or you’re thinking about what you should say and you start to feel that this fear kind of coming through your body, where does it start? Like, what are some of the things that you feel?

Stomach physical. I’m upset churning, stomach ache, heart racing, and then the lump in the throat and then the tears come.

Depending on the situation, sometimes the tears come. It’s not every time. Quite often it’s the hives on the neck. Huh. I get those too. That it just frustrates the hell out of me. I bet.

Cause when your body starts to feel that way, it amplifies the out of control feeling and the thoughts start to spiral. So can you take me through a day? Of what it’s like to be in your body and in your mind. And what are the things that you feel as you go through your day so we can break apart literally all day long? How the fear of rejection and the fear of not being in control of your own life. And the direction it’s heading in, how those are tweaking you all day long.

Do you feel anxiety when you wake up? No.

I will sometimes feel dread just because it’s a normal everyday doing the same thing kind of day.

Whereas the dread is a dread like heaviness in your chest. Yeah, in my head, I live in my head all the time. OK, constantly questioning what I’m thinking.

Constantly questioning what I’m doing, how I’m acting, how I’m behaving. It’s in my head all day long, it’s exhausting. So anything I say, I wonder if I’ve said that right? Anything I do. I wonder if I’ve done that right. Or I see how someone else may be doing something or behaving or acting. And I wonder. I like that.

I’m going to do that. I keep coming back. I keep going back honestly to that comment that you made that your parent, your mom and your stepdad didn’t speak for months. And how when no one’s talking. That includes you. And that means that the only person that you’re talking to is yourself. And if there’s tension, nobody wants to cut it. I feel that that had such a significant impact on you. That’s where the armour comes in.

It’s not a mask. It’s not a social mask that people talk about that they do when they’re out at work or they’re out at a private function or something.

It’s like a physical body armor. You’re trapped in it, I feel like all the time. And I and like I say, the older I get, the heavier it gets.

And I want it to be more outward facing so that I can let my personality and my spirit come out. And I have a little bit of an armor on the outside. It’s not going to be without its holes, but I don’t want you wearing it.

The goal is to get rid of the armor. You suit up with armor the second your stomach goes tight. Yeah, you suit up with armor, the second your heart races, you suit up with armor. The second there’s a lump in your throat. And it’s a response that is. So hardwired in you. And you learned it when you were really, really little. Yeah.

It’s the best way I can physically describe it, that in the lump in my throat where I just feel like there’s literally something in there.

I get it. You. Yeah. Who’s that? You don’t have to decide who that is. You have to figure that out. No, you don’t. This doesn’t have anything to do with your head. You see, the mistake that we all make when we get trapped by fear is we start thinking about our fear and we start thinking about what we need to do and we start ruminating on it. And that makes the armor tighter. Fear wants you to go and sit in your brain and think about what should I say and what should I do and are they going to be upset?

And what if this happens and what if that happens? Because now it’s got you in it’s trap. What you have to learn to do and what we’re going to teach you to do is that when you start to feel the body sensation. That you stop it and settle it before the Iron Man suit comes on and you’re all suited up for battle. That’s what we have to do. The disease to please is your weapon. I believe. That it is about speaking.

It’s not about discovering yourself. It’s about speaking. What’s true for you without questioning it? And I’m sure you’re thinking, but I don’t know what’s true for me. Yes, you do. It’s the thing you’re afraid to say. You’ve gotten used to saying what’s easy and in your mind, what’s easy. Are the things that you think other people want to hear or the thing that will keep the peace. And what will? Break you free of the armor is saying whatever it is you’re scared to say.

In any given situation, in any given situation. So let’s talk about work.

What are the things that you do to be a chameleon at work? Well, everything I am a leader in our team. Where are you not happy at work? I don’t have a voice at work either. What does that even mean?

I.

I’m in a management position, but I really don’t have any sort of management responsibilities.

Because you don’t speak or because you’ve decided nobody listens. Because I don’t speak and because I’m not the decision maker.

So I just try to keep the peace. Would you just get out of that? Could you just made a great face?

Well, because I know this already and it’s I think that that’s partly what has triggered some of the more stress I felt in the last few months.

Sorry. As I work for somebody like your mother.

Well, she has a similar personality, meaning that you’re never quite sure what mood she’s going to be in when you come in for the day.

OK. That’s her thing. Mm hmm. But I’m the person in the middle between her and the people that are underneath me or both of us. And so I’m the one trying to make sure that the people that are under us understand what they’re supposed to do and feel good about their day, I suppose. OK.

So someone so breezes into the office. It’s one of those days where she’s not the most pleasant person to be around. Not a very empowering leader. Mm hmm. OK. You sit down and she’s dishing out the work. And what happens? And she was something she would say or do that would trigger you.

So it could be, you know, being frustrated about the amount of conversations that are being had with the people that work underneath us, you know? OK. And trying to pass it off as.

Well, do you think that that’s a good idea? I’m kind of frustrated that they’re doing this. What do you think we should do? And what happened? So she says that. Yeah, it’s. And that. Whereas if you went. Yes. Yep. OK. So then this is triggering something from your past. So what is it triggering.

Feeling like I need to do something that maybe I’m in trouble because I’m in control, because I haven’t controlled that situation. That’s who’s frustrated about she’s upset. So I need to try to make her feel a little bit better. But it goes back to feeling like almost childlike because I feel like I’m I’m in trouble. So much. Summit gets fluttery. The hives may come out. Mm hmm. And my thoughts go away. Great. So you just described it beautifully.

Your trigger is.

I’m getting in trouble.

And anybody that was free, if they said something like that, they’d answer, but because this is so hard wired in your nervous system, any time you read The World is rejection or I’m in trouble, your nervous system takes over. Yeah. When it comes down to an argument and debate situation, I lose my whole train of thinking or thought your brain is triggered and you start to think I’m gonna get in trouble.

I don’t know what to do. What am I going to do? And your thoughts start to spiral. The second your thoughts start spiraling. It triggers your body to release cortisol, cortisol being a stress hormone. As the stress hormone reaches your brain. It interferes with the functioning of the brain. That’s where your thought process speed of processing. One of the reasons why you forget what you’re supposed to say and you go blank. It has to do with the fact that your thoughts have escalated your agitated body to the point that it’s interfered with your ability to remember what you want to say or be present.

You’ve already left the room. You’re gone. You’re gone. This is a primal response to any threat where you feel like you’re about to get in trouble. You don’t fight back. You disappear. But what’s the worst thing that could happen? What’s the worst thing that could happen, huh? Well, I’ve I wouldn’t lose my job, I know that that’s not the worst thing that could happen. But, you know, I’ve had a couple of instances where I’ve I’ve actually I have actually spoke up and said things are, you know, not right or I’m frustrated or things like that.

It just created a very tense relationship and it created an environment where.

Nobody really understood what I was talking about. Nobody could see what I was talking about and there’s nobody else. That’s. Underneath me, that’s gonna say that, say the same thing. So I I was the one that came out and said things might not be great. Things might not be right or happy, or we need to do things differently.

And it didn’t change anything.

So so, again, stifled and it just made it for a very, very uncomfortable environment.

And why do you stay there? I don’t know what else I want to do yet. Anything but this. How about that? Potentially. So here’s what I can tell you about finding your passion. And I’m going to explain finding your passion this way because of something you said.

You do not like this job. You do not like working for this person. You have to be a chameleon. At work in order to make this person happy and to make myself happier in its innocence.

Yes.

So that you don’t have to deal with as much of her bullshit. When I said, why are you in this job? You said, I don’t know what I want to do. Yet. And for some people. They have an idea of what direction to head in. For most people, we have no idea. So one of the best places to start is by identifying exactly where you don’t want to be. And you do not want to be in this job.

Correct.

And the number one reason why you don’t is because you’re with somebody who makes you feel suffocated. Mm hmm. So you have the one clue that you need to start interviewing for a different job. And that is I want to work for somebody who’s empowering. That’s what I want to do. And that’s the only clue that you need in order to start to look. Mm hmm. So what would you do if you could speak your truth? What would you do if you would work somewhere else?

I think you’re going to find the answers by making lists of what you don’t want to do. Because you have spent 46 years in your head. You’ve spent forty six years thinking through this stuff and being trained by the adults in your life, not to confront, not to speak your mind. Don’t upset anybody. Hey, if something’s wrong, it’s the silent treatment. And it’s all making you happy. It is not. No. And because you have the propensity to think through these things.

If you start thinking through, what do I want? It’s a big question. You’re gonna get paralyzed. Because of your fear, you’re going to immediately not know the answer that’s going to make your stomach tight. Then it’s going to go up to your heart. Then it’s going to go into your throat and you’re not going to be able to speak. So how does the person that’s really free operate? I wouldn’t live so much in my head. OK.

And how would you have wanted to be different when you were a child if you weren’t? Silencing yourself and feeling like there is armor. What would it have been like to Ben freer and open as a child?

I just wouldn’t have wanted to. Try to do what I do now, figure out how to behave in the house, how to act in the house. How to what wanted to just be. Be myself, but I don’t. I can’t describe that. Probably play more, laughed more. Yeah. Get in trouble more. Have a little bit more freedom. Yeah. I want to kind of loop back. You came in here and said, I am scared that I will not reach my potential.

And I don’t even know what my passion is and I feel like. I’m not going to figure it out. I want to teach you my method for finding direction in life. And it is full proof. And it’s so simple. And you’re going to be really good at it because you have a really strong body wisdom. But there’s another thing that I want you to be aware of, because this will be the fastest way to find yourself. Pay attention to moments where you feel depleted.

Versus moments where you feel energized and expansive. OK. So walking into the office.

How do you feel in your body?

Not energized, but yes, like depends. Yeah. Depleted means that things feel constricted. Depleted means that there’s a heaviness to it. Depleted means that your potential is shrinking. Mm hmm. Absolutely.

Now, describe a situation where you feel energized, meaning your heart feels expansive.

Mm hmm. The potential of the moment or the connection feels possible. You may feel energized, that doesn’t even necessarily mean like you have a ton of energy. It just means you feel a little lighter and uplifted.

Describe a moment in your day to day life when you feel like that one would be with my oldest son, who has gone through his own personal struggles in his life.

You know, mentally, he has a lot of some of the same issues that I have had and I have helped him. I hope by being very open and honest with some of my own struggles and kind of walking him through.

How to deal with that? Yeah. And. Instead of telling him what to do, I quite often just tell him, what do you need me to do? How can I help you?

This is my thought instead of you need to do this. You need to do that because he’s very unpleasant. Fall Far from the tree is very independent guy and he has just made a wonderful life for himself.

So. Those are times when I have good feelings, when we have interactions like that, where I can talk to him as the adult he is. But I’ve been helping him to grow by showing some my own insecurities. You feel expansive and energized when you’re helping other people. And the entrance to my bachelor’s is in psychology fantan.

Why are you not a counselor? Because I wanna go back for my masters. Take a year to get a master’s in social work. So you are energized by serving and empowering other people? Yes. That’s the truest expression of yourself. And so the way that you find your passion is you start by taking an audit all day long. Of what moments during your day are depleting and shrinking? And what moments, things and people throughout your day are expansive.

And when you’re in a mode of being expansive, there’s no room for fear. There’s no room for all of that energy in your body that shuts it down. And so that’s how you begin. And I could sit here and tell you you should quit that damn job. You can help your husband and his business. You could go back to school. You’d go online and get a social work degree in one year flat and you could open up a counseling business.

You could get out of that job and go get a leadership role somewhere else. That that is the path for you. How would you feel if you had your own practice? I would feel fantastic. I know you would feel fantastic. That’s why I said it. And I also know that you’re stubborn and you’re not gonna hear this, but you do need to get a degree and you need to open that counselling practice as much as it scares you.

Huh. That’s big. Yes. But you would be proud of yourself and it would be your own. Yeah. And you would make a difference. And it’s something that you can do while you look for a new job. And while you start a new job and while you work another job for a year or two, you can start to build a counselling practice. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll focus on counseling daughters on how to deal with their disappointed.

Maybe, right. Maybe those are different kinds of tears. Yeah. What are those?

Possibility. Hold onto it, so possibility feels expansive. Yes, it is.

When you sign up for your first online course or you go to register for that one year degree, you’re going to be present a possibility. When somebody. At work says something, and it’s conflicting with the class. You’re going to feel like you’re getting in trouble. Yeah, your whole life is going to be a balance of pushing yourself forward into what feels expansive, what feels possible. What is amazing and the things that are depleting do less of what depletes you, because when things are depleting, it’s a signal from your body that you’re not aligned with it.

And that’s why I say get out of that job. And it’s also why I’m saying I want you to get this one year degree, because I think studying this topic and getting the credential will make you feel. Alive, it will expand possibility you may never open a practice. You may use it in your next job. Yes. What do you present to now? I’m listening. Do everything that you’re saying and everything that you’re suggesting, I’m thinking about the possibility of of doing what you’re suggesting.

I’m thinking about what it’s going to feel like to not feel this way anymore.

Awesome. The faster you get an action and the more consistently you’re taking action. In the things that feel possible. The faster the armor goes away and the more alive you are. And what’s super cool is you’re going to be modeling that for your kids. And you know, again, you’ve got the tools, you really do. I knew I felt overwhelmed, but coming here and talking to you just from the moment we started speaking, I’m crying and I’m still crying.

So it’s just you got decades to get it out there. So I’m trying to do. You’re going to make an incredible therapist skills lawyer version. Seriously, you really are. That’s what you need to do.

Thank you. Oh. You can repay us by doing the work. OK. And the hardest work for someone like Amy who struggles to speak up. It’s not going to be in pursuing the degree. It’s going to be in raising her voice.

And because it is so hard to do that when you have a pattern of silencing yourself, I really want to give you Amy’s update immediately so I can tell you that she is doing the work. Because if your issue is speaking up like Amy, I want you to be prepared for what it’s going to feel like. It’s not about signing up for something. It’s not about pushing yourself to do a lot of things that are outside your comfort zone. It’s really all in the speaking up.

And I want to read to you what she wrote to us. She said, Today, I went into my boss’s boss’s office and told him that I wanted a different opportunity. He asked why and I told him I had thought a lot about it. And I decided it was time my neck broke out in hives and my stomach was fluttering. But I felt fantastic. After I did it, who knows how long this transition will take? But at least I started the process.

That’s right. At least she started the process. I love that her neck broke out and her stomach was fluttering, but she still felt fantastic after she did it. And that’s the work that you’re going to have to do to. I’m highlighting this because the steps are simple, but it’s not going to feel easy because your body remembers moments when you felt too afraid to speak. Don’t forget, she lived in a house where her parents fought and she saw people be silent for months whenever there was conflict.

This is not only a coping mechanism, but you really need to grasp this idea that it’s a pattern that she was taught. Whenever she feels internal conflict, the pattern is to stay silent. And her body knows what conflict feels like. It feels uncomfortable and disruptive. So she’s going to now change that pattern of staying silent. That’s going to go against what makes her feel safe in her body. And it’s going to feel really hard. It’s going to feel like a neck rash and it’s going to feel like your stomach fluttering.

And so in an environment like talking to her boss’s boss, her own body is going to try to resistin. And that’s what she’s describing. That’s the physical response. And your body’s going to do the exact same thing because Amy is so not used to telling her truth. She’s so trained to avoid confrontation that she now has to retrain her body and she’s gonna get hives in. Her stomach is going to flutter. And the same thing’s gonna happen to you and I want you to expect it.

And the only way to retrain your body’s response is by having conversations and forcing yourself through that wall that your body is putting in your way, just as Amy did in that conversation. You’re going to convince yourself right before you’re about to raise your voice, right, before you’re about to say your truth, right, before you’re about to have that really difficult conversation that you feel out of control.

I’m here to tell you, you are not out of control. Your stomach may flutter, but you are not out of control. That’s a myth. So even if your body breaks out in hives, even if your stomach starts to rumble. I am here to tell you you can push through those body sensations. You can find your voice and you can have the conversation. And that’s what the work is. And that brings us to our first takeaway, as you know, the first takeaway is that in order to get control of your body, you must first understand what you do when you feel afraid.

As I’ve said before, there is a pattern there and you may not even realize it every time you’re afraid. You do the exact same thing and it’s become so automatic that it’s now a habit.

Once you see this pattern, you then have the power to change it. And if you change your response to fear, you will get control of your life. Because remember, the moment you feel afraid, you’re going to reach for control in order to quiet the fear. But that’s going to backfire in the long term, just like it has for Amy. Amy grew up in a household where her mother was on edge all the time. In her step, parents would fight and then after the conflict, they would give each other the cold shoulder and the silent treatment, not for a day, but for months.

So she became massively afraid of conflict. She’s also afraid of getting in trouble and having her mother yell at her. I mean, remember what she said to me about this? I mean, here she is describing it in the coaching session. So what is it triggering feeling like?

I need to do something that maybe I’m in trouble because I’m in control, because I haven’t controlled that situation. That’s who’s frustrated about she’s upset. So I need to try to make her feel a little bit better.

But it goes back to feeling like almost childlike because I feel like I’m I’m in trouble. So my stomach gets fluttery. The hives may come out.

So clearly, her trigger is getting in trouble, once you figure out what your trigger is, then ask yourself, what do I do when I feel afraid?

And in Amy’s case, she would ask, what do I do when I’m afraid I’m going to get in trouble for Amy? The result is I avoid conflict or being yelled at or getting in trouble by being silent.

I just don’t talk. If I don’t talk, I don’t get in trouble. Now, Amy is an extreme example of what happens when from a very young age, you’re trained to think that not talking is a way to stay in control.

She believes, OK, if I don’t talk, no one will have a reason to yell at me. I’ll be safe. And what happens when you train yourself to be silent in order to avoid conflict is you will become an adult who cannot speak your truth. You will become an adult that feels locked inside of your body. And that brings us to the second takeaway for Amy, and that is that your physical response to fear is encoded in your body, in your nervous system.

But you can change these patterns and you don’t need to let them stop you. And in fact, changing these patterns is the only way that you’re going to get control over your life and your work.

Now, for Amy, every time she felt afraid as a kid, she felt a number of physical sensations as a little girl. Her throat would start to close up and then remember the words she used that her body, it became full of armor. And then after feeling this her body, she would silence herself. And so she repeated this response. So many times I feel my throat close up. I feel the armor. Come on. Now, I silenced myself that it’s a pattern that we call a habit.

So every time she sees potential conflict, particularly at work, that makes her feel nervous. She goes, BOEM throat tight body armor. Now on silent. And this plays out for her in her whole life, but especially at work. I want to take you back into the coaching session and have you listen to something that she said to me. She actually told me why she doesn’t speak up at work. So listen closely. I don’t have a voice at work either.

What does that even mean?

I I’m in a management position, but I really don’t have any sort of management responsibilities because you don’t speak or because you’ve decided nobody listens.

Because I don’t speak and because I’m not the decision maker.

So I just try to keep the peace. Did you catch that last line? It’s so important that I want to repeat it again, because I bet you do this in some area of your life. I don’t speak. I just try to keep the peace. In order to avoid conflict and keep the peace. Amy, stay silent. And you know what that actually means? It means that she believes that her voice doesn’t matter what Amy needs to recognize and so do you, is that if you automatically go silent because it’s a habit, you’re going to have to force yourself to speak up even though your body freezes.

Remember what she said after the coaching session in The Recap? She went and spoke to her boss’s boss. My neck broke out in hives and my stomach was fluttering, but I felt fantastic after I did it. And that’s gonna be the same thing for you because your body remembers what it felt like to be afraid. But you’re going to feel fantastic after you break through that pattern and you discover your voice.

And that’s gonna be the same thing for you because your body remembers what it felt like to be afraid. So it’s going to want you to repeat the pattern you’ve always repeated. Your body’s trying to signal you, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a moment conflict. Stay silent. So when you feel your throat tighten, that’s a physical feeling of silencing yourself. And maybe it’s not your throat that tightens like Amy does, but maybe your body has some other response.

Maybe your face flushes or your armpit sweater. You start to tear up or your cheeks get bright red, whatever it is. We talked about this in Heather’s session. You probably recall about how she would start to tear up. And it’s so important that we are talking about it now, again, especially because of how vividly Amy described the body sensations of fear in her session. So when you go to raise your voice and you’re going to push past the fear that triggers you to silence yourself, I want you to expect those body sensations.

They’re going to rise to the surface. And that’s normal. It’s normal because it’s encoded in your nervous system. And if you let those feelings derail you and be the reason that you don’t speak up, you are never going to take control of your life.

The moment you speak up, you will feel that resistance and revolt and discomfort in your body, but it’s going to disappear, I swear to you it’s gonna disappear because your body is gonna be learning a new pattern, which is the pattern of speaking up, the pattern of raising your voice. The pattern of telling your truth.

I know this sounds kind of simple, and I’m saying it over and over and over again, but the reason why is because it’s really important for you to understand this, particularly for those of you that silence yourself. This is a very, very difficult and scary pattern to break because it feels terrifying the moment that you speak up. And if you’ve read the book that I wrote about the five second rule, you’re going to understand that in between that instinct to speak up, to walk into your boss’s boss’s office, to turn your colleague and say, what’s wrong?

Why are you being so passive with mayor? No, no, no, I can’t do that work. I’ve got all this work to do, whatever it is that you need to speak up about, whether it’s asking for a raise, the instinct to speak up in between.

The moment that, you know, you should, there exists a five second window before those excuses and those fears. That nervous system is going to kick in and try to stop you in this five second window is critical to know about because it’s the window between you and you deciding to break the pattern of silence or your excuses stopping you. And let me tell you something. The moment you walk into your boss’s boss’s office to ask for a raise, you’re gonna feel uncomfortable the moment you have a conversation with your colleagues about how you want to be respected and and balancing out the workload, you’re gonna be uncomfortable the moment that you start speaking up more in meetings.

You’re gonna be uncomfortable the moment that you say, I’m leaving this job, you’re gonna be uncomfortable. The moment you go in for an interview, you’re gonna be uncomfortable. And then you know what happens within five seconds. Five, four, three, two, one.

Your body will start to settle down. The second you start speaking and the more that you do this, the more that you speak up, the more that your confidence is going to increase. And that’s why the five second rule on this method of counting, five, four, three, two, one, and then speaking up is so effective because it’s a tool that helps you change your response to fear. And once you change your response from staying silent to speaking up, you take control of your life.

You’ll make more money. You’ll have more fun at work because you will be taking control. Staying silent doesn’t give you control. It makes you a target.

So no matter how much your armpit sweater, your face flushes or you get hives and whether you’re afraid of talking to your boss or making a cold call or walking into the jam or starting a diet or thinking positive thoughts, all change occurs in this five second window. So I want you to feel and expect that your body is going to be angry at you and upset with you and try to signal you and I want you to speak up anyway.

Now, let’s talk about the third takeaway, and it’s about being a chameleon. Amy is hiding in plain sight. She knows she needs to speak up, but she’s blending in and, quote, remember keeping the peace. She’s a chameleon. Being a social chameleon is a psychological term. That means you change your personality in order to fit in.

I want to go back and play part of her coaching session where she talked about how she’s been a chameleon most of her life.

I feel like I’ve been a chameleon most of my life. I mold into my environment to the people that I’m around, the atmosphere that I’m around. I take that all in.

And as I get older, I’m losing time to be able to realize who I am, what’s truly my thoughts, my own feelings, my Billy. If you relate to the term chameleon, you try to keep the peace. You just try to blend in. Be very clear that you do it because you’re afraid of being rejected or you’re afraid of conflict. And the hardest thing for you, if you’re a chameleon, is going to be to speak up and to say what you’re actually feeling.

And it’s going to be true for you. And if you don’t do this at work, you may be doing this when you’re dating somebody. And I’m sure if you haven’t. You know, people like this that somebody starts dating somebody else and suddenly they absorb all of the habits and the interest of the person that they’re dating. And then you’re hiding right in plain sight. You know, I have a funny story about this. I used to be a chameleon and in my case, changing my personality to fit in is a very nice way to describe what I actually was doing, which was lying.

I was convinced that I wasn’t good enough. Just as me. And so I would think to myself, oh, I’ll just make a person that I think you’ll like.

I mean, think about that for a minute, because if I’m a lot more like you, if I’m a chameleon and I blend in with you and I like what you like, how could you possibly judge me?

Right. I mean, how could you judge me if I if I’m into the same things that you are and I behave just like you are and I eat what you eat and I drink what you drink.

And I did this for years. I’ve been married for 23 years. And during the very first conversation I ever had with my husband, Chris, we started talking about our interests and it was very clear that this guy was an outdoorsman. And so I became one in that moment with the chameleon has arrived. I went from being standing there in my dress to I am an outdoors woman. Now, I grew up in western Michigan and so I am a little outdoorsy and I would spend many weekends with my father on our boat with our brother and mom too.

And we would be trolling for steelhead as they become and through the channel out Muskegon Lake and into Lake Michigan. But, you know, trolling, which is basically throwing a lure over the side and driving the boat really slow and hoping that you hook into something that doesn’t sound very sexy now, does it? So I lied. I became a chameleon and I told Chris that I was a fly fisherman, and he thought that was amazing.

Being a chameleon worked right in that moment or so I thought it did. But is always catch up to you. And so does blending in. Three months later, I would find myself on a trip. No joke. To meet his best friend and his wife, who happen to be a fly fishing instructor in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. So here I am standing on a camping trip. Meeting Chris’s best friend for the first time on the shore of a river in Utah.

And I had to confront the reality that I had no idea how to put the rock together. I had no idea how to string the line. I had no idea how to even cast a fly fishing rod. Turns out lying. Being a chameleon to fit in, it doesn’t work at all. In fact, it comes back to bite you in the ass. Either it makes you miserable and you lose your identity or you get caught in a big, fat old lie like I did.

Now, I broke down in tears. I admitted the Schrade that I had been perpetuating for three months and thank gosh, Chris forgave me. Forgiving myself. It was harder. But recognizing this pattern has been a game changer. The pattern of lying, the pattern of being a chameleon, the pattern of doing whatever I need to to fit in. And I’ve been working hard to get rid of it ever since. The funny thing is I learned how to fly fish on that trip and I became so addicted to the sport, so much so that when we got married, Chris and I spent our honeymoon in Twin Bridges, Montana, so that we could go fly fishing.

Now, that’s not a ending to the story to suggest that being a chameleon actually worked. It’s really to point out something. It would have been a hell of a lot easier to just tell Chris that I grew up trolling. He wouldn’t have cared. See, nobody cares. You’re the one that cares about fitting in.

And, you know, I could have said I grew up trolling and one day I’d love to learn to fly fish, but I had to learn an important lesson in getting caught up in that lie. I was acting like a chameleon because of my desire to belong and connect with him and my fear that if I was just me, I wouldn’t.

I reached for the lie as a way to cope. I was triggered by the fear that he might not like me.

The desire to belong is so hard wired in all of us.

We spoke about it at length in Casey’s coaching session, and that’s what’s at the core of your fear of rejection and disappointment.

And in every insecurity that you have when it comes to relationships, whether it’s relationships at work or relationships that you’re trying to strike up in your personal life. So right now, I want you to ask yourself this question, what relationship are you currently acting like a chameleon? Is it with your boss like Amy or your co-workers? Or is there a friend group where you show up with a certain group of friends and suddenly you’re not yourself? You just turn into a chameleon to blend in?

Is it with your family? Every time you get together with your family, you actually, aren’t you?

You do whatever it takes just not to rock the boat or maybe with your partner. Becoming aware of what you’re doing is the first step. And then in those relationships, I want you to realize something. That it’s fear that’s triggering you to act like a chameleon. And if you change your response to fear, you’re going to get control of your life. And this is very hard to do.

If you’re like me and you believe you’re not good enough because you’re reaching for the lie in order to assume fate, control of every situation. And it’s going to require you to change your pattern of reaching for a lie, to change your pattern, of needing to fit in, to change your pattern of silencing yourself.

So the next time that you feel like you don’t belong and you’re about to tell a lie or change yourself in order to blend in, I want you to pause. Take a deep breath and tell them that you grew up trolling, not fly fishing. OK, show up as the real you. Raise your voice, be yourself. Now, I said it’s hard to do, and the reason why it’s hard to do is because you’ve reached for the lie and the chameleon for a long time.

And it feels like it’s safe. It is not safe. It’s not safe.

Because every time you reach for that lie or you reach to blend in, you invalidate who you really are.

And I say that it’s hard, not because it’s difficult or complicated. I say that it’s hard because your body remember the responses we were talking about, the tightness in your throat, the fluttering. It’s going to be there. And that’s what makes it feel hard.

But you are capable of doing this. And here’s the other thing I’m going to tell you. Just like with speaking up as you practice, as you pause, as you take a breath, as you then show up, as you and you show up authentically, even when it feels weird in your body, you are taking control every single time you do it.

And that brings me to the fourth takeaway, and that is if you feel utterly stuck, like with no clue or direction to turn to to figure out your career, I want you to revisit the concept of your inner compass. We talked about this in Dan’s coaching session, but it may not have resonated with you. When we talked about it, then it might now resonate with you as you start to realize how much you’re being a chameleon at work or how much your silencing your own voice at work and how when you start to see it, you think, oh, my gosh.

Whoa, this is making me totally rethink whether or not I even want to be doing what I’m doing right now. Maybe there’s something completely new out there for me. And there probably there could be. That’s for sure.

Particularly when you learn to listen to your inner compass. Now, going back to Dan’s story, remember, he at least knew which direction he wanted to head in. He was our first coaching session. He knew that he wanted to pursue something related to wine, Amy. She’s on the other end. She’s totally lost. And that’s cool. I don’t say that to like Bashur or anything. Lot of us feel totally lost. And I can see that she would be a great therapist.

I can see that for sure. And as you were listening, you might feel the same way.

Wow. With the personal experience growing up and all the work she’s done and getting her degrees, she’d be amazing. She’d be empathetic, but she may not see it. She may not believe it. And here’s the really important part.

It doesn’t matter what I think, doesn’t matter what you think. When it comes to Amy, the only thing that matters is what’s true for her. And that’s why it’s incredibly important for you to learn how to trust the guidance system that’s inside of you rather than waiting for somebody else to figure it out for you. It’s never going to feel right unless you figure it out and realize it’s true for you. And so if you’re like Amy and you feel trapped by your life and you don’t know how to get out, it’s the exact same thing as being in a dark forest and not being able to see which direction to head in.

And there’s nothing scarier than feeling lost and spinning around and not knowing what direction to head in. I remember there have been a couple of times where Chris and I have been out, particularly in the Appalachian Trail hiking, and he was either ahead of me or, you know, I was ahead of him, but I wasn’t paying attention. And suddenly I would realize I had wandered off the trail and I couldn’t see a trail marker, you know, the little blaze of paint that they put on the trees.

Now, if you can’t see a trail marker from where you’re standing, the standing still help you find it. I’ll think so. What do you got to do? You got to walk. And here’s the interesting thing in that moment where you realize your lost and, you know, most of us, when we realize we’re lost. We start to think and we start to worry. And then we start to wonder, oh, my gosh, I walk forward, do I walk back?

Do I do this? Do I do that?

Holy cow. Hey. Hi. What is this? Have you. And then you start to spend but you spend in place. The interesting thing is it actually doesn’t matter what direction you walk in.

You got to wander because if you wander, if you walk forward, if you walk to the right, if you walk to the left, if you walk to the back, if you wander. Sooner or later you’re going to see some kind of marker or keran or markings of a trail or you’re going to stumble onto something that will help you find your way.

It’s true. And here’s the deal. Once you start wandering. And then you see a marker, then you move towards it.

And so you have a compass that is inside of you. Most of us just don’t know how to read it. And so the fact is, you’re never truly lost. You may feel lost. You may feel like you don’t know what direction to head and you may feel like your life is like a dark forest and you don’t know which way to go. I am telling you right now there is a compass in sight of you and I’m going to teach you how it works.

The way that it works is that it always points in the direction of things that you’re interested in, that you’re curious about or that you’re energized by. That’s the direction. That is true north for you. I asked Amy to describe a situation where she felt energized and when her heart felt expansive. And let me take you back into the coaching sessions so you can listen to what she said. One would be with my oldest son, who has gone through his own personal struggles in his life, you know, mentally, he has a lot of some of the same issues that I have had and I have helped him.

I hope by being very open and honest with some of my own struggles and kind of walking him through how to deal with that.

Yeah. And. Instead of telling him what to do, I quite often just tell him, what do you need me to do? How can I help you?

This is my thought instead of you need to do this, you need to do it because he’s very Apple doesn’t fall far from the trees, very independent guy. And he has just made a wonderful life for himself.

So those are times when I have good feelings, when we have interactions like that, where I can talk to him as the adult he is.

But I’ve been helping him to grow by showing some of my own insecurities.

You feel expansive and energized when you’re helping other people. You know, it’s interesting because we want to deny what our inner compass is saying. It’s obvious when you listen to Amy that it’s those moments where she’s listening and not telling people what to do. But she’s counseling them. She’s having a very kind of back and forth, empathetic, problem solving kind of conversation, just like an amazing therapist would, sharing personal experiences, offering up things to think about.

Now, I asked Amy this question about what it is that energizes her, when does she feel like her heart is expanding? And now I want you to think about it for yourself. What is something that you can think back on that you’ve done or that you want to do that really excites and energizes you, that feels like you’re growing and expanding. That right there, that’s the direction to head in. And I don’t want you to be like Dan.

Remember what Dan said when I asked about his dreams, I don’t live. Don’t move. I don’t want you to be like, oh, don’t love Melbourne, whose went to learn Spanish or, you know, I’ve thought about teaching. Or, boy, I’ve always wanted to be a painter. I just saw one of my friends that I haven’t seen in a while. Our kids are different ages and our schedules are totally different. And I literally have not had a sit down catch up with her in probably five years.

And I asked her how work was going. And she turned to me and said, You’re going to think, this is crazy.

I was like, oh, there it is again. What are you talking about? Did you rob a bank? That would be crazy. And she said, no, no, I’m just really tired of what I’m doing in real estate. And I have finally listened to what my heart is telling me and has been telling me for 20 years. Mel, I’m painting again and I have applied to be a member of a bunch of professional organizations for painters.

And she explained how she had to have her personal breakthrough to even start to see herself as a full time painter. And so when you feel that tug of your heart, when you identify that it’s painting, that it’s teaching, that it’s opening a bakery, that it’s writing a novel, you might have that. Don’t laugh. Oh, it’s crazy. Screw that move in that direction because your energy levels are a beacon that will pull you out of a dark forest.

And once you get into action, once you start walking, once you start wandering, you’re going to learn what you need to learn in order to take the next step.

Maybe you’re going to hate painting class, just like I hated working for that coffee shop. That’s incredibly valuable data because now you can take painting off your list of dreams and take the fork in the trail. That leads you to something else that energizes you now that you know it’s not painting. For Amy, the interests that she has in counseling is like a beacon. It’s like a marker on a trail. It’s like a lighthouse off in the distance. And it is providing a direction to move towards, that’s all.

You’re not signing up for a life sentence if you don’t like it. You don’t have to do it. What you’re trying to do is to start moving so you’re no longer lost. And the direction you’re gonna move in is whatever your inner compass is telling you is true north for you, because the problem isn’t usually that you don’t know what to do. The problem usually is that you’re spinning in place and it’s the spinning in place that’s triggering fear. If you were to take one painting class or if you were to start reading a book about a topic that you’re interested in, or if you viewer to start watching a YouTube video a day about something that you’re interested in instead of spinning, you’re now moving in a direction and moving in that direction creates momentum.

And once you take action here, learn a hell of a lot more than you would just stand in there thinking. So I want you to tune in. I want you to find that inner compass located in your heart and pick one dream, one interest, one thing that you’re curious about that energizes you, that would expand you, that would have you learn something. And I want you to take one small step forward. Remember, just going to move one brick at a time.

And if you want a refresher on this, I would highly recommend going back to Danz session, very first coaching session and listening to it again. Now, the fifth and final takeaway from this session is that unresolved issues follow you. Remember, I always say that if you change your response to fear, you’re going to get control of your life. And the converse is also true. If you don’t change your response to fear, you’re going to be stuck in patterns from childhood forever.

That would blow, wouldn’t it? Your boss is gonna feel like your mother or your father, your roommate is gonna feel like the mean girls from high school. If you were the outcast in high school, you’re not going to bond with your coworkers and you’re gonna feel like a child who’s trapped and can’t get control of your feelings and get ahead. And in Amy’s case, can’t speak up. Now, Amy’s fear was triggered at her work because her boss was unpredictable, just like her mother.

Remember what Amy said? I think that that’s partly what has triggered some of the more stress I felt in the last few months. Sorry as I’m working for somebody like your mother.

Well, she has a similar personality, meaning that you’re never quite sure what mood she’s going to be in when you come in for the day.

OK. That’s her thing. Mm hmm. But I’m the person in the middle between her and the people that are underneath me or both of us. And so I’m the one trying to make sure that the people that are under us understand what they’re supposed to do and feel good about their day. I suppose. I personally think this is the most powerful takeaway from this coaching session that she is triggered by patterns of her childhood because her boss is unpredictable, just like her mother used to be.

Never quite sure what mood she’s gonna be in when you come in for the day. I bet you felt that before walking into work or working for somebody, you never quite sure what mood they’re gonna be in. And Amy’s pattern when her mother was unpredictable. What was it? Shout it out as you’re listening. You know, it was to be silent, put on the body armor, which is why she keeps being silent around her boss. It’s very simple.

You did it when you were a kid. You’re not doing it as an adult. And if you don’t get control of this pattern, you will remain trapped and feeling like a child because at some point, your work life, guess what? You’re going to have a boss that reminds you of your mother or your father, whichever one it is that triggers you, they’re gonna be the one responsible for your paycheck. They’re gonna be the one that you got to interact with every single day.

And let me tell you something that, boss, you can look at this as a curse or a blessing, I prefer, because I’m the kind of person that sees the Bangles on the table to see it as a blessing. The boss is in your life for a reason. It’s so that you can get rid of the pattern that you’re stuck in from childhood. The boss that is triggering you is an opportunity to go to work on the unresolved issues that are triggering you from whatever it is that was happening with your parents, because there’s no difference between your home life and your work life, because you are always you and you carry your patterns everywhere you go.

So you might resolve something in your love life at home with your partner, and that’s great. You’ve got to work on this stuff everywhere. But if you don’t get rid of the pattern entirely, it’s going to follow you everywhere. So home life. Now, that may be fantastic, but then you walk into a work situation and the fear gets triggered and now you’re acting like a child again. You shut up instead of speaking up, you put the armor on instead of stepping out and being yourself.

You turn into a chameleon to blend in instead of being you. This is why it’s so important to get control and to change your response to these fears that trigger you, because your unresolved issues follow you everywhere until you do.

So as you were hearing that, you’re probably thinking. All right, Mel, I agree with you.

Now, how the heck do I get over these unresolved issues from my childhood? Well, first of all, you can’t change your patterns until you see them. So the first step is stupid as it sounds and as obvious as it sounds, is artists, because it’s about seeing the pattern. We’re so addicted to blaming everybody else.

My bus sex, my colleagues are the way you get to keep Dee Dee Dee dee dee dee.

Because you know what? It’s a lot easier to point the finger than to take a look in the mirror. And we love to blame everybody else for how we turned out that way. We don’t have to see the pattern. So you’re going to have to look hard and close in order to see it, because it’s scary to take responsibility for your life. You know, you want to say, my mother screwed me up, my father screwed me up.

And look, I’m not talking about situations of physical abuse, of sexual abuse, of trauma.

I’m talking about day to day stuff that happens in everybody’s life when an eight year old brain decides as a coping mechanism in order to stay safe, in order to be part of this family, in order not to piss off my mom, who’s always got arresting bitch face and is always in an angry mood.

I’m just gonna be silent. In order to change the pattern, you have to see it. And the fastest way to see it is to try to take responsibility for creating that pattern of behavior in order to protect yourself. You’re not to blame for that, but there’s a lot of power in seeing it and owning it so that you can change it.

That’s how you get the power. You know, as a parent, this is a really daunting thing to talk about because and I have three kids and they all respond to situations of fighting and conflict in our household very, very differently. And I can see as a parent. Oh, my God, they’ve created these patterns of behavior because of me. My daughter, Sawyer, she gets mad and she stops talking. Our daughter Kendall, she fights back and argues incessantly whenever there’s any kind of issue that she doesn’t like with me.

And it drives me crazy because she’s just like me and our son. I think he’s a genius because he can cry and demand, which literally stops me in my tracks. So he gets everything that he wants. He’s also the third. OK. So and it’s the most effective of all.

He gets emotional and it makes me melt. And I hope Kendall and Sawyer are not listening because they don’t need all three of them doing this to me. So just like my kids have patterns to deal with, situations where I seem to be upset. You have a pattern in how you respond to somebody who’s upset. And it’s a pattern that you picked. Sawyer picked getting mad and not talking. Kendall picked fighting back with me and arguing. Oakley picked crying.

And for each one of them, it’s working and they’re going to keep on doing it until it’s no longer working in their lives.

Now, you could have picked flipping your mother off, which would have had its own set of consequences for sure. If I’d flip my mother off. Can you imagine being an eight year old that gives your mother the middle finger?

Whoa. I’ve heard about kids like that. That would add some serious consequences in my house. But who knows? Maybe it would’ve worked.

You could have picked crying. You could have picked. Getting silent. You could have picked body armor. You could have picked being a clown. You know, that was my brothers. When my mother would get angry. I would shut up and get silent because I was afraid of making her more upset. You know what my brother did? He would start clowning around and it always made her laugh. It worked like a charm. Why didn’t I pick being clown?

It would have saved me years and years of therapy.

Once you see the pattern and there’s no right one, there’s no wrong one is just personal to you. What do you do when somebody is starting to get pissed off? What do you do when somebody’s starting to judge you? What do you do if you want to avoid conflict and settle things down? Whatever it is that’s yours, own it. Now, second, wants to see your pattern. Now you may be wondering. Okay, great. I’m a clown.

I’m a crier. I’m silent. I flip people off. I getting whatever it is. Now that you see it, you maybe wonder, how do I break that pattern? You do it using the simple science of updating your habits. You have to have a new pattern ready to go that you’ve decided that you’re going to use every time the old pattern shows up. I’ll give you an example to make this crystal clear.

I used to suck my two fingers to soothe myself. That’s a pattern, we also call it a habit. So if I got nervous or bored or whatever, I would stick the point or finger in the middle finger. Those two suckers right there, I’d stick them right in my mouth. And I did it so often for so many years that I eventually developed these big welts in my fingers that were totally disgusting all the way up until I was eleven.

It was like having a flesh retainer embedded on my hands because my teeth had embedded themselves into my fingers. I sucked them so much and it wasn’t until I was so embarrassed that I was still doing it that I wanted to stop. So my mom and I sat down with a doctor and we came up with a list of all the times I wanted to suck my fingers, sitting on the bus, watching TV in bed at night to fall asleep. And then we came up with a couple of new patterns that I would do instead of sticking my fingers in my mouth on the bus.

I would chew gum or sit on my hands when I was lying on the couch or in my bed at night. I wore mittens and eventually the new pattern overrode the old one. Now, the same is true with the patterns that you have that you reach for when you’re afraid of disappointing somebody or you’re afraid of getting in trouble. And if you change your response to fear, what if I told you you’re going to take control of your life? So if you go silent when you feel afraid, the new pattern always speak up.

And when you start to feel triggered, like you’re about to be silent, just sub in the new behavior. Five, four, three, two, one. Interrupt the old pattern and then speak up. It’s that simple and it works for any single behavior you want to change. Rather than aiming to get rid of the behavior, simply have a substitute for it. Ready to go? Now, let’s sum up Amy’s five takeaways for you. First, in order to get control of your life, you have to understand what you do when you feel afraid.

Amy’s massively afraid of conflict because of how she was raised. Her mother yelled at her and then she gave her the silent treatment. And so Amy, as a result, avoids conflict or getting yelled at or getting in trouble by staying silent, putting on the armor, especially at work. Second major takeaway is to understand that your physical response and we talked a lot about this in Amy’s episode, your physical response to fear, it’s encoded in your nervous system.

It’s almost like alarm bells going off, but you can change the way that your nervous system responds to situations. You can change these patterns so that they don’t stop you anymore and so that you can take control of your life. Now, even though Amy broke out in hives, even though her stomach was fluttering, that’s an automatic response by her nervous system.

She went to talk to her boss’s boss. Anyway, you see, you can feel out of control and still take control.

That’s a major, major takeaway from this. You can feel out of control and you will when you start to change, but you can still take control. And the same thing’s gonna happen to you. So expect it and do it anyway. Third takeaway, super important to recognize when you’re being a chameleon and hiding in plain sight, you may be doing it just to keep the peace, or maybe you’re doing it to blend in.

Or maybe you’re doing it to try to get a guy to like you, like I did.

It’s triggered by fear. The fear of not being good enough, the fear of being rejected. And the hardest thing that you’re going to face if you’re a chameleon is to trust that you’re enough. It’s in that moment when you reach for the lie or your reach to blend in, that you find the courage to be you to say what’s true for you to show up as you. The fourth takeaway is you feel utterly stuck with zero clue about what direction to turn to to figure out your career.

I want you to revisit the concept of your inner compass and the way that your inner compass works and is always guiding you and pointing toward your TrueNorth, which are things that you’re curious about or energized by. You’re never, ever lost. You just have to read the compass and then start marching in its direction. And finally, unresolved issues follow you. If you don’t take control of these patterns, they will follow you everywhere, especially at work. And if you want to move past these patterns, if you want to reach your potential, if you wanna be happy and have more joy and fulfillment, you have to first recognize them.

And then you’re going to use the science of habits to substitute the pattern with a new behavior, because your unresolved issues will follow you everywhere. But if you change your response to fear, you will take control of your life.

In this final coaching session, we’re going to talk about something we haven’t touched on yet, and that’s how your childhood experiences and the patterns that you develop and reaction to them impact your ability to have a healthy and successful romantic relationship. Now, for those of you who keep finding yourself in one failed relationship after another and you can’t seem to figure out how to make one work, this is going to be a life changing conversation for you to listen to. That’s because we’re to be discussing and revealing that most relationship ruts that I have to do with the person you’re with.

It has to do with the patterns that you’ve developed that are getting triggered by the dynamic with the person that you’re currently with. And you just can’t see it. If you grew up in a traumatic household like the one our next guest did, you will also likely learn that your idea of love is totally warped. And right now, if this doesn’t apply to you, you’re in an intimate relationship. It’s totally fulfilling. This is still a very important coaching session to listen to because you’re going to discover that you two have patterns from your childhood that you have carried into your relationship.

And healthy and successful relationships require you to be vulnerable, whether they’re thriving or they’re tanking. And for many of us, vulnerability, that’s terrifying. And after five coaching sessions, you know that when you feel vulnerable or afraid, you automatically resort to patterns that you may not even see right now. And I’m telling you, it is impacting your relationship. So if you want to improve your relationship and I mean, who doesn’t? Who doesn’t want to be more deeply connected and in love to do that?

It’s essential that you figure out where you still feel vulnerable and afraid and you change your response to it, because when you change how you show up in your relationship, when you show up with courage and when you show up more fully, you will take control of your life. And one more thing in Amy and Heather’s coaching sessions, you heard them describe what it was like to grow up in a tense household while the woman you’re about to meet.

She grew up in an abusive one. And some of this coaching session may trigger you if you did, too. Now let’s meet Cassandra. My name is Cassandra and I’m from Bermas in Washington. I am not married. I do have three kids ages 13, nine and four.

So tell me about your biggest fear.

My biggest fear is that I don’t know how to have a functional, committed relationship with a man. And so I just keep kicking him out of my lives.

And now I’ve got a really great one that I would really love to hold on to. And I find myself redoing the whole pattern, like I can see it happening now. Describe the pattern for me.

So the pattern would be, you know, things are going great for a while and then we get comfortable with each other.

And then I start like nit picking, like noticing. We just stupid stuff like you loaded the dishwasher wrong. So now I’ve got to redo it.

I thought of the people we hate and love. Love dishwashers are OK. Now they probably do.

I don’t know if it’s just me or do you think he’s doing it on purpose? Oh, no, not at all. It me ask it again because I just realized I asked you the intellectual question. Have you told him how you want it life. I’ve showed him a couple of times and I’ve tried to keep it to a minimum because I know no reason to do it how I want it done. Right. And so I kind of have to give everyone some grace and that’s fine, you know.

But that was just one example. It’s like either that or, you know, he sleeps until 10:00 a.m., three days a week or, you know, and I’m up at five thirty six doing my thing. And I have to understand that he’s not me. He’s a he’s his own person. And he does his own thing and he works late at night and he wants to sleep better, you know.

And so I catch myself just finding stuff to be angry at him for. And it bothers me because he’s really great. And I know that if I keep it up, I’m going to push him away. If I keep it up, he’s going to have enough and be like like I love you, but I don’t need this, you know? And then I’ll be fine. Good riddance. You know, I didn’t want to you’re out anyway or just some garbage.

But, you know, that’s what I’ve always done. And so I’ve always survived and I’ve always done well for myself. And so I don’t know. You used an interesting word when you described your biggest fear. You use the word hold on to. And in using the word hold on to the immediate image that came to mind was that somebody is leaving or somebody is moving away.

And now you have this pattern where you hold on to their leg as they’re walking out the door leaving you. Yet you’re also the one pushing them out the door. And you’ve just told me I’ll survive.

Yeah, I’ve always done well for myself, Mel. Yeah. This pattern of pushing people away and clinging to them. It’s a classic pattern when you have fear of abandonment. And we’re gonna go get to the bottom of it so you can see the patterns.

You can get control of it. So let’s start by you telling me about your parents marriage, because you didn’t make this pattern up. You learned it for somebody.

It was awful. It was horrible. My dad was an alcoholic and he drank pretty much from the time he got home, which was usually like seven o’clock at night because he go to the bar after work.

So he would come home with a 12 pack and drink the whole thing and set up shop out in the garage. This huge workbench in the garage.

So you’d just be out there smoking cigarettes and drinking his beer. It is isolated from everybody. My mom and my sister and I would just go about our lives.

But he and my mom fought constantly like they didn’t even they didn’t get along on any level about anything. And so is constant screaming, constant fighting. Every now and then, my mom gets so pissed off that she leave, you know, and she’d go drive the car for couple hours and come back.

But I remember being so small, you know, six, seven, eight years old. And she would do that.

And I would just be like, my mom is gone forever. Like, that’s it. I’m never going to see her again. And I was terrified. And did she come back? And everything would be fine.

But it was like for those couple hours, it was just devastating.

And my dad I remember having to go over to the neighbor’s house because my dad was too drunk to take care of us. You know, every now and then. And it was just, you know, and he got a temper. He would throw furniture off the deck. He would punch holes in the wall.

I remember I think it was the bathroom door had a hole in the wall at home. The door. Sorry. From that end. And, you know, just terrifying. He never hit my mother, but he would hit my sister and me.

So he was physically abusive with us and just verbally abusive to everybody. And so he was in the Air Force till I was eleven.

And then he took a job where he would travel a lot so he’d be gone. What was the house like when he was gone? Peaceful.

Lovely, you know.

And we didn’t have to. There was just my mom. My mom was like, she’s like my oak tree, you know?

I mean, she was steady. She was always there. She was loving. Nurturing. Amazing. Right.

And so when my dad was gone, she was she was even better because, like she would have to deal with his garbage, you know, and then he’d come home like every six weeks or whatever and fight, fight, fight, whatever, until he left again.

So one time he came home and I was 13 and I got into a fight and he came into my room and he said, I think it would be better if I stayed somewhere else.

And he left and I didn’t hear from him for a month and a half. And since then, I’ve probably seen him five times. He just left, like, completely split off the grid. And I remember feeling so relieved. I’m like, thank God the fighting is going to stop because I already knew we could survive. Like, we’d done it.

He’d been out of town and whatever. But. But yeah, I totally just split, left the family, whatever. And so, you know. Looking back, it’s like I mentioned how like my mom was like the nurture and the oak tree and everything, and she was like unconditional love 100 percent of the time. And I know my dad loved us, but he just never showed it.

He was just never sober enough to, like, say, I love you, you know? But I find that as a child, I craved his love more and I craved his attention more because I felt like I had to be like, Dad, I’m right here.

Look at me. Love me, you know? And I never got it. And I think that that just embedded and I carried it all the way through my adulthood, you know, to to this day, my mom is still my best friend and my dad is somewhere in Texas.

Did he ever sober up? Mm hmm. Did he get any family?

He remarried, but at that point, he was like in his 50s. So no new kids or anything.

So, you know, and that part that part of it, like, never bothered me, like, you know, go do your thing. Remarried, whatever. But it it does bother you, though.

It it bothers me that. We my sister and I were important enough to him. So let us know like we found out after the fact. And. And I and my sister has. She has her own take on this whole situation, which is what she was at home when my dad left. So she thought he left because of her, because she didn’t get the goodbye. You know, he never calls you never writes, and you never would ever see those.

And so she took that very personally.

So she ended up hating men and she married a woman like she she totally wanted, you know, and she’s. She won’t talk about it with me or my mother, you know. Anytime we try to bring it up, she’s you know, we haven’t made that attempt for like years.

But it was very much cut us off. Like, I don’t I’m not talking about that. No, absolutely not. You know, and she would she would get angry with us.

And now she’s 38 and. No, no kids. Whatever she’s done, she’s happy, she’s cool. You know, she’s successful, she’s she does really well and never talks about it, you know? So I’m sure it’s Abreau. Yeah. She has her own issues with that.

I’m sure that none of us can reach. But it did kind of draw a wedge between her and I. Here I was like, you know what? Let’s talk about it once we get to the bottom of it and try to help each other and everything.

And she was like, absolutely not. I don’t want to. And she and I actually parted ways for a long time. But I think she kind of turned into like a very selfish individual. You know, she didn’t want kids. No, none of that. She she won’t ever have kids, which is fine. And, you know, if you’re selfish and you know, you don’t want kids, like, please don’t have kids, that kind of thing, you know.

But she’s very selfish. She’s very like, I know what I want. I’m gonna get it kind of thing. And, you know, whatever. Well, OK. So thank you for sharing all that. There’s a lot. Yeah. If you been to therapy. No. Really. You have a very succinct. And well articulated explanation for what happened. And you’re also completely emotionally disconnected from it. I want to focus on your dad and your mom.

But the collapse of your relationship with your sister, particularly how judgmental you are of how she process things. I think there’s a direct correlation to the way that you treat your sister and the way that you’re treating them and your life.

Mm hmm. Interesting. And the other thing that I just want you to consider is that she might be with a woman because she found the strength to actually be her full self, and that’s who she’s attracted with. And, you know, for some people, not choosing kids is the right choice.

And I agree. I agree 100 percent.

But there’s a judge genius about how you describe it. And I think it’s because you’re hurt. Mm hmm. OK. That she also left. She didn’t leave you physically, but there are choices that she has made. Yeah. That you don’t understand. You understand them intellectually, but in your heart, it feels like a major disconnect. And I only put that out there not because I think it’s the core piece. I think it’s another example of how you look at what’s wrong and how you pick and test people on people that you love.

Almost like this if I push you away.

Right. Will you come back? Interesting. And only when you come back. Do I know that you love me. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. And the other thing about your story that really struck me is it was when your mother left that you were devastated.

Mm hmm. Not when your dad did. Right. And I don’t know what the answer is yet, but I I think we’re gonna have to dig into whether or not this is truly something related to your dad or if this has to do with the fear that you felt very intensely when your mom left. For just a few hours. Yeah.

And obviously, when when you and I are talking about it and, you know, look, she’s married to a drunk, abusive alcoholic who punches holes in walls and throws shit off the deck. Anyone can understand that. You need to remove yourself from that situation. Right. But what you don’t understand when you’re little is the fear that you feel when the one person that you love is not there. Right. And that’s why the holding on things struck me.

Because you don’t give a shit that dad’s gone, right? You wish it had gone another way. But it didn’t. And I think you understand that he’s an alcoholic and he’s not capable of giving you what you needed. But the holding on to, I think, has more to do with your mother. OK. I don’t know. We’re going to get there. Let’s get there.

Do you remember when that moment that your mother first left for those few hours to get out of the house?

We would watch her walk out the door. Whoa. What did it feel like?

Seeing the person that you love, your rock, your. Oh. Go right out the door. It was anxiety. And even now, talking about it, my years were getting hot.

That’s my days gets hot when I get anxious. So where else do you feel at your body?

My anxiety is right here between like in your chest. Right. Right.

And your abs like right in the xiphoid process. Like right there. Oh what the hell that is. Where is the bottom of your sternum. OK. Is pressure nauseating. OK, yeah. So. And then that’s where I hold onto it.

OK. And then it travels up and your ears get hot. OK. So she would be leaving and you would have this feeling.

Yeah. And even though she said I’ll be back. It was like really when you know like in five minutes.

Next week. Like when are you coming back. Did it happen often.

I remember it happening like maybe three or four times. And then, you know, as we got older, Dad was home less and less.

And so there’s less to fight about. So she wouldn’t leave or whatever. Was he worse when your mother was around? Yeah, I think he just really despise my mom, and I don’t know why. Like, I don’t know the foundation of their relationship.

Can you describe, like, a time when you were, like, really afraid of them?

He was in a rage. He was, you know, seeing red. And he he was mad at me for something.

And I was running from him down the hallway. And at the end of the hallway was a bathroom.

And I remember going into the bathroom and trying to shut the door and lock it because he was cheat, like literally chasing me.

I was like eight years old.

And he flung the door open and I and I was behind the door on the wall and he he went he went to go hit me and I crouched and he hit me right in the stomach.

Yeah. But, you know, when we were younger, like elementary school age. I remember the school finding out. My teacher found out or somebody found out and they wrote him a letter, you know, versus. So when they found out I would have marks, I have like handprint shaped welts, you know.

So this isn’t that he spanked you. This is this is way beyond just his illegal, severe child abuse.

I’m glad he left the house because there’s no doubt that this has impacted your relationship with men because you are a victim of severe child abuse and your body remembers it. This is trauma and you relive it in ways that you aren’t even aware of, particularly in the dynamic in your relationships. So who’s the first man? That you were ever in a serious relationship with. So my first marriage was actually we eloped, OK?

Lasted six months. You wanted to work out. Yeah, I did. I had this big romantic idea about, you know, being married and being in a relationship and playing house and all this stuff, and he thought, you know, he thought of it differently. He was you know, he was never really fully committed and, you know, was fooling around and stuff. I mean, that must have hurt at the time. Oh, absolutely.

And it was with his high school girlfriend and they never stopped seeing each other kind of thing.

And he was going to a lot of marriage stuff that, you know, did you know? I found out. His best friend told me. But did you know beforehand? Did you have. Probably.

Yeah, I probably did, yeah. OK. He talked about her all the time. OK.

So the reason why I went I started also tease out the what you knew and what you didn’t know and the intuition pieces because your biggest fear is that you’re gonna push someone you love away. Your biggest fear is that you are going to be alone.

And a lot of times when you have a string of relationships that you look back on that didn’t work out, you can start to have a story that you can’t trust yourself. Do you feel that way? Yeah.

And I want to slowly also prove to you that, you know. But you don’t listen to yourself.

So when you’re out and anybody falling in love with somebody and all he’s doing is talking about his high school girlfriend and your intuition is firing off. You don’t listen to it, right? I didn’t at all. So I want to distinguish between moments of knowing vs. moments where fear takes over. And the fear is, I don’t want to lose this guy. Like, I’m feeling something I’m going with. And I’m afraid like that. The thought of him when I think about him with his girlfriend, then the my my anxiety kicks in and I get hot in the years and I and I and I start to get afraid.

And so I’m going to hold on. Mm hmm. Even though my instincts are telling me otherwise. OK. So I want to draw that distinction between instincts that are informing you about what you know is true versus fear. That becomes a visceral thing. Because one of the things that I believe about fear is that we talk a lot about the shit we’re afraid of.

Right. Afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of pushing somebody away. I’m afraid of ruining something.

But the thing that you don’t realize, particularly since you experienced trauma, I think you probably have PTSD. We talk about it with our armed services a lot, and we think of it as something that people only experience after they’ve witnessed war. A lot of people witness war and trauma in their own houses. They experience it in their bodies. And because fear is about your visceral response to change, to rejection, to harm, to uncertainty. Particularly in your case, where you literally worry victim.

OK. And we’re going to come back to the subject of trauma and to PTSD in particular in just a minute, but I really need to understand your history with men. So who was the next man that came into your life? The next person was my first daughter’s father. And he and I met in the Navy, OK? We were on a ship together and. We. Let’s say have been dating for a year and a half, I guess, and decided to get married and.

We got married in September of 04 and her daughter was born in November of 04. And and then we were married and, you know, new baby in this whole thing. And then my world turned to being a mother. And this is like my only purpose in life now. You know what I mean? And to him, I was like like I didn’t want to be affectionate with him. I don’t wanna sleep with him. I was like, you gross me out.

I want my daughter, you know, and my husband at the time was so not supportive. He was an asshole. He he didn’t drank like he was an alcohol or anything, but he was physically abusive, you know. I don’t know. What did you do? I tried to leave with my daughter and I wasn’t leaving permanently. It was just like my mom, like I just got to the house. Right. And I had my keys and he pinned me down with my knees up to my chest like his full body weight on me.

And he’s a big guy. He’s like six three, two pounds, you know, full weight on me, pinned me and pried my hands open with the keys. And as he was getting the keys out of my hands, scratched my neck like here’s had this huge scratch on my neck. I’m going to work the next day and everyone’s like, can we go? You know?

And I’m like, there’s my cat, you know what I mean?

Adlam Then my husband pinned me to the ground and pried my hand open to get the keys out, maybe.

Right. I worked in a restaurant. It would just gossip like wildfire.

So maybe not. I’m so.

I’m serious. Yeah. Oh, the thing is, is that you’re a master at hiding. Mm hmm. And it’s a protection mechanism. Oh, yeah, absolutely. So alcoholics are liars. And your dad, his version of alcoholism was also abusive. Mm hmm. And you did everything you possibly could to survive. Mm hmm.

Especially now hearing that you had a physically abusive husband. Mm hmm. There’s no doubt in my mind that you have PTSD. And that you live on edge, that someone’s going to hurt you. You say anything about leaving. Right. This is about somebody hurting you. And as weird as it sounds when your fiance say today doesn’t stack the dishes in the dishwasher the way that you want him to. You’re feeling like the anger piece. Come on. But I actually think if we really unpacked it, it reads more like he’s hurting you because he knows you’ve asked you’ve showed him how to do this right.

And he’s doing this on purpose. And there’s something that feels dangerous about that interest, because I guarantee you, particularly with this prick that put his knees on your shoulders and scratched your neck with these keys and wouldn’t let you leave.

There’s a taunting to abuser’s where, you know, it starts with the bickering and then it’s like they bait you into it. Yeah, into the fighting. And the next thing you know, you’re getting hit. Yeah. Does that sound familiar? Incredibly manipulative, you know.

So like, when you kiss and make up, it’s all like, you know, so sorry to happening and blah, blah, blah. And then later it happens again. And it’s the classic abuser mentality. Well, if you had it done now, then I wouldn’t have had to do that. Yeah. You know, it’s all your fault. Yeah. All my fault. All your fault. If you had just had dinner ready. Yeah. If you had not been a smart ass.

Yeah, anything could be anything. And your upbringing was watching a man try to woman that way and getting the shit kicked out. And so so no wonder we were together, right?

You know why? It’s because the pattern so familiar. Yeah. And a lot of us are attracted to what feels familiar. Yeah. And that we desperately want to escape it. You break the cycle. But I bet that there was a moment before you got married where you’re like, I don’t even know.

I’m sure there was. I’m sure there was. But you know, I was I was committed. We can make this work. I can do this. I want this. I want the family unit. I want like everything to be happy and normal, like the TV shows and, you know, all that stuff.

Tell me about how you left him and what did it feel like in your body when you did so? I had. You’re going to love this. I had a vacation coming up. I was going to go fly to California to be with my mom and we were we were living in western Washington at the time. So it’s just a quick two hour flight.

And he. Got it. So the night before that, he got drunk, passed out drunk, and he blacked out. And we’d been fighting in this hole. It was just just like my mom and dad. Right. And so he passed out drunk. And instead of going to sleep and catching my flight the next day, I packed up my car, packed up my daughter. And I drove all night long to my mom’s house. Twelve hour drive.

Good job. And did you ever talk to me again? Oh, yeah. We still talk. Well, we share a daughter, you know.

And he he lives out of state now. And so the only time we talk, it’s a quick like, hey, I’ll meet you there at noon kind of thing. It’s not like we don’t have conversations. But, yeah, we had to you know, I was just I was needing people to not like I’m a people pleaser and so, like, I get really upset and people are not happy with me.

Well, of course, as shit kicked out of you and they weren’t. So do you realize this is a survival mechanism? You’re not a people pleaser. Your life depended upon pleasing your father. Yeah. It’s a safety issue. For some people, people pleasing is like something you develop kind of as a personality trait for you, it’s a survival mechanism. It is hardwired. And it had to be. Yeah. So he leaves or you get a divorce, you leave.

Excuse me. And what’s that ex relationship? The next relationship is. My other two children’s father. OK, we were together for seven years. OK. On time. And any abuse?

No physical abuse. Emotional. Yeah. There were some emotional abuse. Like if we were in a heated discussion having an argument or whatever.

He would tell. I would approach him with something like I’m not happy with the way that you talk to me because you’re belittling. And, you know, he was like the first person I was able to stand up for myself to.

I you’re you’re belittling me. You know, you’re making fun of me because I because of X, Y or Z.

You know, as soon as they started real estate, he was like, the job sucks.

I mean, I was working two jobs at the time and he wasn’t willing to do anything to help bring in more income so that I didn’t have to work two jobs. I got an apartment. And you didn’t tell him? I didn’t tell him. And I waited for him to go to work one day. And I had a U-Haul reserved and I had Cheesus.

You do what your mother does, right? I had every single one of these. Every single time. Yeah. Waited for him to go to work, and I moved out because he wasn’t gonna let me leave because my feelings didn’t matter, because what he wanted was important. The family unit.

And by the way, this is your relationship with your sister.

That’s why you’re calling her selfish. Yeah. Because she makes you feel like your feelings don’t matter. And you probably make her feel like hers don’t. Probably. So tell me about the new relationship. The fiancee. Yeah, he and I, we’ve actually known each other for about twelve years. But at the same time, he’s got more issues than I thought he did.

What are the issues that he has?

He drinks too much, I think. And, you know, he doesn’t get abusive when he’s drinking, which is awesome. But he had sort of a low bar, by the way.

It’s not getting abusive. You’re not abusive priests by that.

No, you’re right. That’s a very low bar. He can I can I stop you right there? Absolutely. Let’s just focus on the issue of drinking, OK? My concern is the alcohol alone triggers a lot about your childhood. OK. And so if he has a drinking problem, which means he drinks more than he should, and he cannot stop himself from coming home at night and having drinks as a way to blow off the steam, it immediately creates a situation where you are triggered because you don’t know what’s going to happen as the evening goes on and the drinking progresses.

And so it puts you on edge. Yeah. Which then creates the entire dynamic that I guarantee you saw your parents have and that you had with your abusive ex-husband, which is the beating and the picking and then the responding and then the escalation. And I’m not blaming the alcohol. Right. But it is a extraordinarily scary situation in my opinion, that you’re putting yourself in because it’s triggering all of that stuff that you don’t have control of that’s inside of you.

And so the reason why you’re in this trap has to do with this. Primal, visceral fear of losing control. And when you were a kid, you had to be hyper aware because you were in a very dangerous situation. And it started with your dad drinking and then you saw the picking with the parents and then you saw your dad get violent. And then he was abusive towards you and probably abusive towards your mom, whether you remember seeing it or not.

And so it’s getting triggered in your adult life. The reason why you pick at him is not because you actually give a shit about the dishwasher. It’s because you’re living in a state. As an adult woman, where you are triggered by the ghosts of your past and this is a survival mechanism. Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely. What are you thinking about right now? How to how to make myself know that I’m in a safe relationship and to stop treating it like I need to be in survival mode all the time, like I need to be safe.

Like, maybe I feel like I’m not safe even though I am.

Well, the thing that I want you to realize is that the drinking and the level of drinking that he’s doing and I don’t know how much it is or not. There’s something about it that’s triggering you.

I would agree, because really, that’s the only time I’m on a journey him at all is when he’s drinking.

What does he drink? He’ll have wine. Or if he’s drinking liquor, it’s vodka.

OK, so is it. Drink one. Is it drink too. Is it drink three. Is it when you hear the ice hit the cup. What is it that makes that tingling in the back of your head happen.

It’s drink one. It’s when he pulls the bottle of wine out of the bag and puts it on the counter like I hear that noise from across the house. You know what I mean? And I’m just like, know, had her stand up, like the whole thing. Correct.

And I would like to just throw in that I drink to, you know, we’ll have a glass of wine together or whatever. But it’s like the whole time I’m just like, why is he drinking? But I’m drinking. You know what I mean? So I don’t know how to approach that because it’s like, does that make me a hypocrite, you know? And now you know what you are? You’re somebody that has PTSD and the sound of a bottle being pulled from the shelf where you store your liquor is such a trigger because of the trauma you experienced that what happens is before you even hear it and process that, that’s a bottle.

As that sound of that bottle is lifting off the shelf, the hair on the back of your head is already standing up. There’s tons of research about this, and in fact, a great analogy is, you know, how you see the lightning before you hear the thunder. Literally, that sound is the lightning. Right. Yeah, that’s when the that’s when the electric like that, that the hair stands up on the back of your head. And it’s so visceral because of what you experienced as a kid.

Oh, dad’s drinking now. I’ve got to be alert. I got to be the good girl. I got to make sure I like. He’s getting another one. Oh. Oh, yeah. Yep. And you’re drinking as an attempt to try to be cool with things because drinking can be fun and, you know, you want to you want to feel like you’re normal and you can have a glass of wine. Right.

Totally get it. But what is going to happen? Unless we change some things right away. Is this visceral response in your body, which is driving you into nitpicked protection mode, hyper aware mode will drive him away? Mm hmm. It’s gonna destroy it. Yeah. How is it destroying it already? What’s happening?

Maybe sometimes I feel like I’m queen bee and I’m better than you and screw you. I can do it anyway. You know the kind of thing.

But he will. He will tell me. He’s like, don’t talk to me like that because I’m not a child. I’m not one of your kids. And he goes, I love you. I’m gonna marry you. But you need to knock that shit off.

Let’s think about it like a trigger where we flip a switch and you go from just being go with the flow. I’m happy. I’m in love. So vodka comes out. Clang, clang, clunk with the ice glug, glug, glug with the vodka bottle goes down. Yeah. Switch flips inside you. Who do you become. I become like this robot. I’ll go in there and I’ll have this like dialogue of questions like so rough day it’s going on, you know, and.

Oh, you know, just off to work or whatever he has to say.

It could be nothing. It could be two o’clock in the afternoon. And he wants to watch a motorcycle race or whatever race wants to chill out. And I’ll be like, you know, there’s no reason to be drinking at all, ever. Like, you should never be drinking. Like drinking is for when the kids are in bed and you’re watching a movie and you’re chilling out. And that’s my definition. Right. Can be different for him. But to meet in, like, in my opinion, if he has to de drink or if he wants to drink, whatever the differences.

That’s a problem. And so worse. So I’m like, why are you drinking? What is the problem? You can’t control yourself and just like snowballs from there.

And, you know, eventually he will either excuse himself and go outside to avoid an argument or whatever. He’ll go have a cigarette or go to work on the motorcycles or whatever.

But then I’ll follow him and I’ll be like, you know, like chasing him out the door and I’ll be like, you know, Andal. And then I’ll find something else to be, you know, and then you’re walking away from me. What? You can’t have a conversation. You can’t, like, look me in the face. And he’s like, I don’t want to.

He’s like, look at you. Why would he want to talk to you right now?

And it just escalates from there. It’s not like he’s on purpose, you know, but it’s just like passively pissing me off with the drinking and stuff. He doesn’t understand the landmine he stepped on.

No. See, that’s that’s the breakthrough. When you’re somebody that. Is consumed by fear. And I want you to consider that at least in the dynamic as it’s playing out in your relationship. It’s not the fear that somebody is leaving, because I think you already assume that people are that he’s going at some point. Right. If I questioned you and you were honest with me, you would admit that you don’t think this is going to last. I’ve already thought in my head like.

Well, when he leaves, I’ll just sell the motorcycles and also all the gear. And you know, Bob, Bob, Bob, so that I know what’s gonna happen either way.

You know all about survival, all about protecting yourself. And the problem is there’s no love. That’s what’s missing. There’s no trust, there’s no intimacy, there’s no love. There may be amazing sex banyan chip. But the stuff you really want. How many of that? Because you won’t let it in. So how do I do that? I want to do that. I don’t know how to do that.

First of all, you got to remove the landmines.

It’s not fair to be in relationships. With anybody. And have emotional landmines out for people to step on. You’ve set this field full of things that could explode and then you sit back and you cross your arms. You’re like, all right, saving get across this. And he has no idea the extent to which this scares the shit out of you. And it sounds like. And I believe you that he is a awesome guy and that he’s a safe guy.

So no one. You have to you have to you have to go back home and you have to tell them everything that happened and you have to explain the way that drinking triggers this survival mechanism in you. It actually terrifies you. And you might have to establish boundaries around it. And I think you guys can work this out together. But you got to be fucking honest with him.

Absolutely not. Like. It’s OK. It’s fine. Yeah. OK, cool. Yeah. If you can drink on Saturday is. And that’s our deal. No, I think that there has to be something where. He comes to you and says, hey, I think I’m going to have a drink. You know, you cool with it so that you have the option. To say no. Not that you’re going to right, but that you are given the feeling of control.

Because what’s scaring you is that when you heard that sound, it was a signal that meant shit’s about to go out of control. Yeah. Do you know that even when he’s opening like a monster or a soda or eat like the same noise, he does it to me, even though I know it’s not.

That’s why I know you have PTSD. Interesting. It’s just like a soldier coming back from being on a tour and allowed in a dump truck. Yeah, sound makes you. Yeah. Or a car backfiring.

A ha ha. Yeah, that’s textbook. Okay. And so I think you also need to contact the V.A. error. You need to go to your doc and you need to say, I need to go talk to somebody that can help me with PTSD because you need help unwinding these triggers. But the thing is, is that when you’re afraid of something, we talk about the big stuff. I want you to shrink this down to that moment. And the moment I’m talking about is the moment when the wine comes out of the bag or the moment when you hear that can a beer crack open?

And that moment is so wired into your body that it is profoundly triggering. Now, if I were the one who was deciding what to do for you moving forward, I would have a rule. I don’t think you should be with anyone who drinks, and I don’t think you should be drinking either.

OK. You know, I’ve thought about I’ve asked myself that question if Lee didn’t drink. It would be good for him. It would be good for me. That’s an easy choice for me. What do you choose? I would choose him. Absolutely. So there’s two conversations you have to have with him. OK. The first one is about the way in which drinking is triggering psychological trauma and the visceral stored fear that’s that comes up when you feel like things are about to get out of control.

And then how you become miss on top of it on his ass nit picking because you’re managing your fear. That’s one conversation. And then the second thing is actually loving him enough that you can have a conversation with him about your concern about how much he drinks for his sake. Do you see the difference between the two? Mm hmm. You need to be responsible for what’s happening in your body. He needs to be responsible for what’s happening in his.

Yeah. See, this is the thing about relationships is that relationships are not one way. They’re a two way conversation. And if you expect to grow old with this person, you’re going to have to learn how to grow up and have adult conversations. The issues that you have will kill your relationship and you both have issues. And ironically, you may have just picked the perfect person to help you resolve yours. But how you approach it and whether or not you come from a place of love and trust and vulnerability or whether you allow your fear to speak for you.

That’s going to determine everything. You’re actually in control.

Yeah, because now that I know that I have these issues that I’ve allowed to control my behavior and my actions not even allowed.

Like, I want you to really get something. You’re not responsible for this. You didn’t do this to yourself. You are a victim of trauma. Your father did this to you. And I’m sure there were a load of circumstances that led him to be the screwed up, abusive asshole that he was. That explains it. It doesn’t excuse it. But even though you weren’t responsible for this, right. You’re not to blame. You do have a responsibility for healing yourself.

And so when you understand that you’re not choosing to nit pick. You are a robot that was programmed. You don’t have control over this yet. I can expose the wiring, but you have to go to somebody that can help you in therapy, deprogram this. And you have to go back into your relationship and into your household. And you have to remove the triggers that turn you into a robot. And it would be very interesting if the two of you were to spend 30 days without booze in the house.

Yeah. And to just see what happens. So what are you going to do when you leave here?

I am going to call a therapist and make an appointment.

Great. That’s awesome. And I have a second wish for you. And that is in your 40s. My wish is that you are present. I want you to go to therapy because I want you to get control of these triggers so that you don’t have to live your life like a robot. And I’d like you to be really selfish and connected to what you need and to start making those requests.

So I. I think you have an enormous opportunity in front of you. I really do. I do want to say. Do you think this will. Help me have a better relationship with my sister also. Yeah. I think you’re really pissed at her. There’s a theme with her where maybe the two of you, and this is just a theory that maybe she was the one. Maybe she was the rock. Maybe because you were going through so much of it together, you know, maybe you needed her more than you realized, maybe.

And she left. And that was terrifying. And then she married a woman, and that was not what you expected, and for you, it felt like an abandonment. For her, it was her truth. And then she decided not to have kids. And that was another thing that felt like her getting further and further away.

And so just like you’re doing with Lee, it’s triggering something that makes you pick. The fastest way to bring somebody back that you’ve driven away is to apologize. And to tell him how much you miss him and love him, and then every time you’re tempted to nit pick because you learned how to do that, Dromm closer. And the way you drawn closer, it’s with sugar and honey and with kindness. There’s more bees, honey, I’m sure. Do we all want the same thing?

We just want somebody to pay attention. We want somebody to make us feel like we matter. We want somebody to notice. That’s it.

Yeah. OK, how do you feel? Good. Empowered, you look empowered. You present. Thank you. You’re welcome. I love you, too. So how are you feeling? I am feeling like I’m feeling empowered and feeling great. I’m feeling like I have a place where I can start to end in a specific goal to accomplish. That’s achievable, attainable. Oh, I just got a little choked up there here in the end of that.

That was amazing. Cassandra took absolutely everything we discuss to heart and she has made very deliberate changes. First, she has sought out professional help with the PTSD. And I can not wait to tell you about the update. But before I do, I first want to go through her takeaways in detail because there are seven of them and they’re packed with incredible information for you. The first takeaway. Drum roll, please. Big surprise. Come on. You’ve heard this five times.

Can you say it with me?

In order to get control of your life, you must first understand what you do when you feel afraid. You know this now there is a pattern around fear and you may not realize it. Every time you’re afraid, you do the exact same thing. And it’s become so automatic, just like you heard with Cassandra. It’s now a habit. I want to underscore, though, that it is a different ballgame when you are dealing with patterns that have been learned because of trauma.

And it’s super important to have compassion for yourself and seek help and support in getting those patterns changed when there are patterns that have been encoded because of traumatic situations from your past. Now, once you see these patterns, you then have the power to change them. And if you change your response to fear, you will get control of your life. And that is totally true for people who suffer from PTSD as well. So first, ask yourself, what am I afraid of?

For Cassandra, there are two things that she fears, one of which she knew and the other was hidden. The fear that she knew about was the fear of being abandoned. Like the moment her mother and her sister would leave the house. The other fear for her, the one she didn’t realize that she had, is the fear of getting into a situation where she was going to be physically abused.

In her case, it all got triggered by simply hearing a bottle open. Now, once you know what you’re afraid of. Ask yourself, what do I do when I feel afraid? As for Cassandra, what does she do when she’s afraid of being abandoned? Well, she’s always afraid of it. So she’s always mentally preparing for the people in her life to be gone, which means any relationship she’s in never has a chance. And what does she do when she hears the beer can open and is afraid things are going to spiral out of control?

Well, she starts picking on her fiancee and monitoring and trying to control how much he drinks so it won’t spin out of control and result in abuse. I want to play back a part of the coaching session for you, and I want you to listen to her describe how simply hearing the sound of a beer can opening triggers her automatic response. And become this robot. I’ll go in there and I’ll have this, like dialogue of questions like. So rough day it’s going on, you know, and.

Oh, you know, just rough day at work or whatever he has to say.

It could be nothing. It can be two o’clock in the afternoon.

And he wants to watch a motorcycle race or whatever. I just want to chill out and I’ll be like, you know, there’s no reason to be drinking at all, ever. Like, you should never be drinking. Like drinking is for when the kids are in bed and you’re watching a movie and you’re chilling out. And that’s my definition. Right. Can be different for him. But to me, in like in my opinion, if he has to de drink or if he wants to drink, whatever the differences.

That’s a problem. And so worse. So I’m like, why are you drinking? What is the problem? You can’t control yourself and just like snowballs from there. And, you know, eventually he will either excuse himself and go outside to avoid an argument or whatever. He’ll go have a cigarette or go work on the motorcycles or whatever.

But then I’ll follow him and I’ll be like, you know, like chasing him out the door. And I’ll be like, you know and know. And then I’ll find something else to be, you know, and then you’re walking away from me. What? You can’t have a conversation. You can’t, like, look me in the face and.

And he’s like, I don’t want to. He’s like, look at you. Why would I want to talk to you right now? When you listen to her describe that interaction, you can hear the pattern and you can hear how it just goes on autopilot. She called herself a robot and that’s exactly what it’s like. The thing that’s interesting, though, is until you understand why you have the pattern and how it’s getting triggered, you will never have the ability to change your reaction to it.

She knows that they need to talk. She knows that the nit picking isn’t working. But because she had never seen the pattern before and what was triggering it and the fear that it was connected to, she didn’t have the power to change it.

But now that she sees what she’s doing and most importantly, why she has the power to do something about it. And what do you know? Well, if you change your response to fear, if you substitute a different pattern, you’ll take control of your life. And most importantly, her relationship has a chance to change and become healthy and strong because she’s changing how she responds to fear.

That leads us into the second takeaway, and it’s something I want to call out that I hear often from people who are in abusive relationships or who have experienced trauma as a child. And it relates to how survivors of abuse make excuses for their abusers behavior and in doing so, developed a very warped definition of what love is and what it isn’t. Cassandra said something to me that really stood out during our coaching session, and I want to replay it for you and then talk to you about why it’s important to understand what the definition of love truly is.

Looking back, it’s like I mentioned how like my mom was like the nurture and the oak tree and everything, and she was like unconditional love one hundred percent of the time. And I know my dad loved us, but he just never showed it.

He was just never sober enough to, like, say, I love you, you know? But I find that as a child, I craved his love more and it craved his attention more because I felt like I had to be like, Dad, I’m right here.

Look at me, love me, you know? And I never got it.

And I think that that just embedded and I carried it all the way through my adulthood.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

You carried that all the way through your adulthood. And did you catch what she said specifically? I know my dad loved us, but he just never showed it. He was just never sober enough to, like, say, I love you.

Please, please stop justifying the behavior of people who abuse you. Stop calling it love. It is not love. I don’t want you to feel like you’re being made wrong. I am speaking with intensity because I want you to understand that abuse in any form is not love. They might have been doing the best that they could. I’m sure Cassandra’s dad, if he had a drinking problem or if he was abused as a kid, he’s got all kinds of issues and given his issues and his trauma.

But that’s love. You don’t hit people because you love them. You don’t shame people because you love them. You don’t hurt people because you love them. Her father did not love her.

His actions said that he didn’t because he couldn’t. Some people are not capable of giving love or being in love. And part of the problem with escaping the cycle of abuse is that victims often continue to call abusive relationships. An example of somebody who loved you but just couldn’t show you somebody who loved you but was just too drunk to tell you.

Stop doing that. The reason why you have to stop doing that is because love is the opposite of what your father did.

Love is getting control of your drinking. Love is controlling your anger. Love is treating people with respect, with dignity and with kindness. One of the reasons why it’s so important to have a very direct conversation like this is Cassandra was really frustrated because she kept dating guys that were abusive, not her current fiancee. But the reason why you keep dating the same kind of people is because you’ve convinced yourself that abuse is what love looks like. So you’re attracted to it.

It actually becomes your definition of love. And sure, your dad, he was doing the best he could given how damaged of a human being he was. And you can process it that way. He didn’t know any better. Maybe he was abused as a kid. He’s an alcoholic. He’s got unresolved issues that he’s now taking out on you. Mavity as a child, but that’s not love.

You can explain why somebody might abuse you, but please don’t ever describe it as somebody who loves you. They just didn’t show it. Bullshit. So if you’re in a situation like this, I want you to stop saying, I know my mother loved me. I know my father who beat me, loved me. I know my ex-husband, who was an abusive alcoholic, loved me.

Then and then, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is what you need to say. My mother was so broken. She was incapable of loving me. My abusive, alcoholic ex-husband was so broken. He was incapable of loving me. My father, who was physically abusive, was so broken. He is incapable of loving me. The reason why it’s so important is because you are drawing a line in the sand.

And on one side of it you are shoving the abuser and you’re acknowledging that they are incapable of giving you love. And by doing so, you protect the definition of what love looks like because it don’t look like that abuser. Let me tell you some. And if you don’t do this, if you equate love with somebody that treated you like shit or that abused you, you’re going to find yourself constantly trying to put your entire soul into relationships with people who are capable of loving you.

Because in your mind, you’ve got this idea that somehow a damaged person can love you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Your new mantra. They were so broken. They were incapable of loving that. You need a new definition. Don’t make the thing that you survived. Be the example of what love looks like. That’s not what love looks like.

And if you have that kind of warped definition, it’s no wonder you have a fear of rejection because it’s starting off with an incorrect definition of what it looks like to be loved and to feel safe and to be respected and to belong equally in a relationship.

And here’s one more thing. Yes, I’m being intense about this because I want you to listen. But it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. The abuse that happened to you, not your fault. The fact that you may have loved somebody who abused you, but they were incapable of showing you love. Not your fault, but it’s your responsibility to change your definition of love so that you can heal and you can take control of your life and you have a shot at getting into a healthy and successful relationship.

Look, you have a huge heart. I get it. You just wanted to be loved. But the reason why you keep picking the wrong person is because you need to update your definition of what love looks like before you’re gonna find it. Now, let’s get into the third takeaway from this session, and that is this, that PTSD happens as a result of trauma.

And, you know, most people think of PTSD and they think about military veterans. Even Cassandra, who’s a vet, thought of that.

She didn’t realize that you can have PTSD as a result of childhood trauma or as the result of a sexual assault or as the result of being married to somebody that batters you. You can have PTSD because you’re the child of an alcoholic. You can have PTSD because you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.

PTSD can occur in anyone who has experienced or witnessed trauma, be it as a result of war, natural disaster, a serious accident, a terrorist incident, sudden death of a loved one, a violent personal assault such as rape or any other kind of life-Threatening event.

And studies show that those who suffer sustained emotional and psychological abuse are also at serious risk for suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. So if you have trauma in your past and you suspect that you may have PTSD, it is critical if you even are concerned that it’s a possibility that you go get professional help.

We talked about this in Rose’s session, but let me repeat it. Your body and your brain and your nervous system. Remember trauma in a very different part of your brain. We talked about it with Rosa and because of this, it’s like a super memory. It makes the pattern much stronger to you, which means the trigger for it is very, very sensitive. I mean, think about the trigger in this case. It’s just the sound of a beer can opening and it rushes in.

All of that stored fear from all the trauma that Cassandra experienced. Now, I recommended that Cassandra go get MDR therapy done and I want to share with you something that she wrote to me about her experience in therapy because she did leave our coaching session and she went and did MDR therapy. Here’s what she said. She said, wow, that was exhausting.

Today, we just focused on one particular memory I have from my childhood when my dad was a particularly large asshole. I wasn’t just recalling the memory. It was recalling the emotion I felt as a child, how that emotion has morphed now that I’m an adult.

It was recalling the time of day who I was with my posture and location in the room, and I held that for 45 minutes.

And when I had had enough, I felt like a nap and a cocktail in that order. My therapist said it can be quite exhausting as she’s gone through it herself, but it can be life changing when it’s over. I’m so looking forward to experiencing this change. You know, it will be life changing. I’ve seen the magic of MDR in releasing trauma and people in my life and those I’ve worked with. And I encourage you, please take this seriously.

Find a therapist who specializes in it. If you suspect that you or somebody that you love is suffering from PTSD. Now, the fourth takeaway is that you’re not a people pleaser. If your safety depended on pleasing people, Cassandra said something to me that I want to play for you. She’s talking about her ex and she called herself a people pleaser.

I want to replay this exchange for you because it’s really important to distinguish the difference between being a chameleon trying to fit in versus being an abuse survivor and trying to survive. Well, we share a daughter, you know, and he he lives out of state now. And so the only time we talk, it’s a quick like, hey, I’ll meet you there at noon kind of thing. It’s not like we don’t have conversations, but, yeah, we had to.

You know, I was needing people to not like. I’m a people pleaser. And so, like, I get really upset and people are not happy with me.

Well, of course, as shit kicked out of you and they weren’t. So do you realize this is a survival mechanism? You’re not a people pleaser. Your life depended upon pleasing your father. Yeah. It’s a safety issue. For some people, people pleasing is like something you develop kind of as a personality trait for you, it’s a survival mechanism. It is hardwired. And it had to be. Super important distinction. I definitely have the people pleasing chameleon ly to fit in.

Thing going on. I’ve told you enough stories to make it true, right? That’s very different than being abused as a child, having PTSD and developing pleasing people as a mechanism to keep you safe. You have to identify which one you are. One is about being worried that you’re about to get judged. The other one is about keeping things calm so you don’t get the shit beaten out of you. You’re trying to control your safety by acting a certain way, because if you’re not asserting the control, then someone will hurt you.

You’re not a people pleaser. If you are a victim of abuse, you tried to make sure that you stayed safe by keeping the people around you calm and happy. Yes, it’s a pattern, but it’s one that is tied to being a survivor of abuse and PTSD and it needs to be dealt with in therapy.

It’s not something you can just start thinking positive thoughts around and asserting your needs like a true people pleaser needs to do.

If you have PTSD, you need to take this seriously and you need to get professional help. However, just to kind of round this out for those of you who don’t have PTSD, but like Amy, you’re a bit of a chameleon and a people pleaser, and it’s a pattern in your life. Remember, it’s just being triggered by fear and all you have to do is catch it. Notice when you’re about to go into the chameleon people pleasing mode.

Take a deep breath and do something different. Say what you really mean. Assert yourself or just start hanging out with people that actually bring out the best in you. Now, let’s move on to the fifth takeaway. It’s about emotional landmines and the need to remove them.

Emotional landmines are a field of things that are between you and the person you’re in a relationship with that can explode. And wherever there are emotional landmines, you have got to be responsible and cognizant of the ones that you have put in between you and the person that you are with.

And Cassandra’s case, alcohol is a ticking time bomb of an emotional landmine. And she didn’t even realize it was a problem. And the reason why she didn’t realize it was a problem is because of the connection between her father opening a can of beer and the fear that she felt when she was little. And what had triggered inside of her as a stored memory and then the pattern that she developed as a coping mechanism to keep her safe, which was to hide, which was to be silent, which was to also be aware of where’s my dad?

Where’s my dad? What’s going on is things escalating so that she could protect herself and be ready. And it was a pattern that was invisible until it got pointed out. But once it was pointed out, it was so like, wow, how did I not see this? She was able to see that drinking was a huge emotional landmine for her. Just listen in to the moments she figured it out. Is it drink one? Is it drink, too?

Is it drink three? Is it when you hear the ice hit the cup? What is it that makes that tingling in the back of your head happen?

It’s drink one. That’s when he pulls the bottle of wine out of the bag and puts it on the counter like I hear that noise from across the house. You know what I mean? And I’m just like hair stand up, like the whole thing.

You know, when you hear her story, I bet there was a party that was like, how could she not see this? I mean, this is as plain as day, right? But the reason why she can’t see it is the same reason why you can’t see the patterns in your life.

You only see the patterns when you want to and you got to follow the fear and ask yourself that question, what am I afraid of and what do I do when I’m afraid? So if you don’t know what the landmines are in your life, I want you to identify the moments in your relationships that cause arguments, the moments where you feel uncomfortable or where there’s constantly conflict. And I want you to ask yourself when that conflict happens, when that argument starts.

What are you afraid of in those moments? And what do you do when you start to feel afraid? If you go and take an inventory, you’re going to come up with a list of things you need to talk to your partner about and to co create new habits and patterns around together as a couple. And Cassandra, what did she do with this insight? Well, she got busy. She wrote to us about her conversation with her fiancee, about drinking and how it’s an emotional landmine for her.

And I got to tell you, I’m about to read it to you. And I am insanely proud of her.

This woman is doing the work and she is taking control of her life and she is seeing the results. Now, I had a great talk with Leland. I told him about my father’s drinking and subsequent violent behavior, really did a number on me, and that it’s affecting my relationship across the board. He thanked me for telling him and said he needs to start being a better person for me and for us. I’m pleased to report, and I’m so frickin proud that we have both been 100 percent sober for nine days now.

And I’ve realized now this goes way beyond just his decision to not drink. We’ve tried sobriety in the past, which mostly consisted of me telling him that he drinks too much and he needs to stop. So you would stop for two or three days, but then he would tell me that it was okay if I had a drink because I didn’t have a problem with it. So my dumb ass totally had a drink.

I couldn’t see at the moment what was super obvious, and that was that he wasn’t giving me permission to drink. He was giving himself permission to drink. He was manipulating the hell out of the situation like I was the beneficiary. And from my perspective, I was all do as I say, not as I do. I was a total bullshitter. My coaching session has forced me to re-evaluate my own relationship with alcohol and my role in Leland’s sobriety. I realized that I needed to reflect what I wanted from him in my own actions if I wanted him to be sober.

I needed to be sober, period, if for no other reason than spousal support. But also I get to lose all those booze pounds and I’m not spending nearly as much money having been sober for nine days. I think back over the last six months of, quote, drinking responsibly, which consisted of drinking two or three glasses of wine every night, waking up in the morning feeling like shit, thinking to myself, I have to quit doing this.

I don’t eat a lot of food at night to booze goes right to my head and my mornings are super foggy and the opposite of productive. Now we’re supporting each other and we haven’t had one argument and I haven’t been a bitchy man hater or had any sort of anxiety. We’ve replaced our wine routine with a cup of camomile tea and I can actually get up and be a mom in the morning. Wow. That is absolutely amazing. It actually is kind of inspiring, you know, to basically say one change in your pattern makes that big of a difference in anxiety and how you’re behaving and how productive you are.

You know what else I loved is she actually admits, quote, I couldn’t see in the moment what was super obvious, and that was that he wasn’t giving me permission to drink. He was giving himself permission to drink. You know what’s interesting is she’s validating something I keep telling you, which is when you’re stuck in the patterns, you can’t see him.

But the second you follow the fear and you identify the trigger and then you start to recognize, well, what do I do when I get afraid? Holy cow, I start Nick picking it becomes super obvious. And the other thing that I want to point out is, you know, how she said she used to have two or three glasses of wine.

What is she drinking now? Camomile tea. So she’s using the science of habits to take one pattern, which is come home, have two or three glasses of wine with a new pattern she’s in control of. She’s substituted wine and put in camomile tea. She’s still having a drink. It’s just a different one and a more powerful one that’s allowing her to take control of her life. And that brings me to the six takeaway, which is fear of abandonment with fear of abandonment.

You want to control how hurt you will be. Fear of abandonment is all about losing control.

And in her session, Cassandra kept talking about how she has this attitude that she can survive without them. And I want you to take a listen to how she thinks about a scenario where Leland might leave. And so I catch myself just finding stuff to be angry at him for. And it bothers me because he’s really great. And I know that, you know, if I keep it up, I’m going to push him away.

If I keep it up, he’s going to have enough and be like, I don’t need like, I love you, but I don’t need this. Yeah. And that’ll be fine. Good riddance.

You know, I didn’t want you around anyway or just some garbage. But, you know, that’s what I’ve always done. And so I’ve always survived and I’ve always done well for myself. And so I don’t know. To catch the end, so she’s terrified of driving him away. But then she sort of nonchalantly at the NGOs. I’ve always survived and I’ve always done well for myself. This is classic fear of abandonment, giving you a fake sense of control.

By telling yourself, I’ve survived. It’s okay. You’re preventing the pain of it actually happening by assuming it’s going to happen. Remember Heather and the self-criticism piece that we talked about, remember how she said you have no idea how it’s hard to be me. She was so hard on herself. Well, self-criticism is something that people do in a weird way to cope with environments where they’re getting criticized. Like, if you can criticize yourself enough, then it insulates you from how painful it’ll be if other people do.

You criticize yourself before other people can criticize you, and that way you get to control how hurt you can be. Fear of abandonment. Super similar concept.

If you’ve already played out the future in your mind as one without the person that you’re with right now, you can’t be hurt when they actually leave. When you see it coming, you start socializing yourself to the pain by accepting it now. You either then push away or you think about it all the time. And Cassandra is doing both. She’s pushing him away constantly. And then she’s thinking about how she’s gonna be OK if he leaves anyway. And what you’re doing is you’re basically bracing for impact so that when it inevitably happens, you’ve already worked through it in your head a million times.

It’s typically created because of a childhood loss or trauma. And it’s really important to attack this because research shows that people with abandonment issues, they have lower self-confidence. They feel jealous more often. They have a hard time trusting people and they have a hard time being alone. If a relationship ends so they tend to just grab on to the next one quickly, even if it’s a wrong relationship. In order for you to move past a fear of abandonment, you must recognize that you are worthy of being loved.

And it’s critical that you do this because what happens for a child that develops a fear of abandonment like Cassandra did, is as you’re standing there watching your mother drive away, your child brain starts to think, well, if they love me, they wouldn’t be leaving me. And you start to wonder, what is it about me that makes me unlovable? And you think that you caused that person to leave? So as an adult, it’s really important that you rewrite the story and you realize that you didn’t cause anybody to leave.

You’re worthy of love. Your mother wasn’t thinking about you when she walked out the door. She did it because she was dealing with her own safety. Your sister was protecting herself. She wasn’t leaving you. I mean, we make this all about us and we never stop and think about why your mom or why your sister might have left had nothing to do with you. And in the workbook, we’ve got a bunch of exercises on how to recognize that you are worthy of love and to begin to shift the narrative that you have.

If they loved me, they wouldn’t have left. What is it about me that makes me unlovable? Let’s get rid of that story and let’s write a new one that’s about self-love and self compassion. The seventh and final take away from Cassandra session has to do with how Juggy Cassandra was about her sister. And you’re gonna learn that judgment and judgmental people. It comes as a result of wanting to control whether or not you get hurt. You see, judgmental people at their core are deeply wounded.

I want to say that again, because if you have somebody in your life that is judgmental and I’m thinking about somebody in mine right now, this flip in perspective, it’s a game changer. Judge, mental people at their core are deeply wounded. Judgment. It creates a wall between you and other people. That’s why deeply wounded people build them because they’re wounded and they’re trying to protect themselves. If you’re a judge, mental person, there’s some unresolved hurt from your past that’s continuing to get triggered in your day to day life.

And so you get Juggy because that button of feeling wounded and feeling hurt.

It keeps getting pushed. And if you’re Juggy of people, then you don’t have to take a look in the mirror because you’re so busy criticizing everybody else. And Cassandra’s case, she was crazy, Juggy of her sister. Now, after our session with supercool and I’m going to give you a great update. She could see that the reason why she was judges, because she was wounded, she felt abandoned by her sister and that hurt her. Instead of saying that she did what all super wounded people do, she started judging her sister because of that hurt instead of stopping taking a deep breath and working on why she was hurt.

Where you cast judgments on other people. I want you to pay attention because often your judgments, they’re created by your own perception, not the truth.

And I want to share an incredible update from Cassandra about her relationship with her sister. The other thing I want to say is this, if you’ve got somebody that’s super Juggy in your life, instead of being triggered by them, try a little empathy. Stop and consider. It’s actually not about you at all. They don’t know anything about what’s going on in your life. They’re so busy being hurt that all they’re doing is judging everybody else so that they don’t have to slow down and deal with themselves.

So let me tell you about Cassandra’s update with her sister. Here’s what she wrote to me. Mal, I wanted to quickly update you on some enlightening new developments with my sister. I called her the same afternoon I her coaching session and left her a voice message. She called back and said that she actually had some things she wanted to talk to me about. She came over yesterday and told me that in July she’d flown to Texas to visit her father.

She didn’t have any good memories of him, didn’t know him very well, and was really just wanting to meet him and get to know him. The entire visit consisted of him talking about himself. He made vulgar, racist and sexist comments pretty regularly. He asked my sister two questions the whole time she was there and knows where. Does your husband know you’re here? And what does your husband do for a living?

If you recall, my sister is married to a woman, but she didn’t even feel safe telling them that on the last day she was getting ready to head back to the airport and she told him that he is the antithesis of everything she believes in, that he’s full of hatred and hostility and that she’s glad she got to meet him because at least now she knows that she never wants to have anything to do with him again. And then she said she’s married to a woman and deal with it.

She concluded the trip a success. I told her how incredible it was that we were even discussing this because it completely dovetails into our coaching session with my father being an abusive prick and driving a wedge between everyone. I told her that I was sorry for carrying all my garbage around for years. It was because I was jealous of her that she is living her truth. And I’m here trying to sugarcoat everything and make sure everyone is happy all the time.

She was like, Fuck you world. I’m gonna go do what I want and it’s gonna be my way. And I envy that kind of freedom. All my opinions ever. Like, she needs therapy because she’s internalized this shit, never dealt with it. And then she married a woman because my dad made her hate men. They were all just that. My opinions. I told her all of this. I’m the one who needs therapy. If she’s happy, then no other variable in that equation matters.

She, in turn, apologize to me forever, making me feel inferior or unimportant. We totally hugged it out.

Like a Lifetime movie. And I felt like the last 25 years of distance vanished in a moment. You’re right, Mel. Decades of distance can be erased with one phone call. And the fucked up thing is I always knew that, but I was too stubborn to take any action on it. We even talked about taking a vacation, just the two of us, and getting to know one another again. I still have goose bumps about how this all aligned.

We were reaching out to each other at the same time to get closure on the same issues. It’s awesome. It is so awesome and I’m so glad that she is confirming that you can erase decades of distance with one phone call, you just never know what’s going on in someone’s heart and mind until you have the courage to pick up the phone and have the conversation. And here’s one thing that I know for sure. You’re never gonna have that conversation if you’re so busy sitting around judging them.

And now let me wrap up this coaching session by summarizing Cassandra’s seven takeaways for you. First drumroll, please, because you’ve never heard this one before. Well, that’s a joke. I hope that you never forget this in order to get control of your life. You’ve got to first understand what you do when you feel afraid or vulnerable. Cassandra fears being abandoned, so she pushes people away before they can leave. She also is terrified of being physically abused.

And so the second that it gets triggered, like when she hears a beer can opener, a bottle of wine coming at her pattern is the nit pick and nit pick and try to control what’s going on so that things don’t spiral out of control. Now that she sees the patterns, she has the power to change them. Second, abuse, it is not love. Please stop justifying the behavior of your abuser and calling it love. They may have been doing the best that they could given their own issues and trauma, but it is not love.

Your new mantra is they were so broken they were incapable of loving me. I do not want you to turn the abuse that you survived into an example of what love looks like.

Please let this be a wakeup call and use it to empower you to come up with a new definition of love. Third, PTSD is not just for veterans. If you have survived childhood drama, you may suffer from it as well. And if you suspect that you do, please go see a therapist and you might want to check out MDR. Fourth, you’re not a people pleaser. If your safety depended on it, there’s a major difference between being a people pleaser and a chameleon and trying to fit in and the things that you do in order to survive.

If you’re a survivor of abuse, stop calling your behavior people pleasing and see it for what it is. Patterns that were triggered as the result of abuse. Fifth, please, please, please remove all emotional landmines in your relationship for Cassandra, that alcohol. Alcohol was an emotional landmine, something that always triggers her. So she had a powerful and important conversation with her fiancee about it. And you heard straight from her. Their entire relationship has transformed.

Six, fear of abandonment, fear of abandonment will trigger you to control how hurt you will be, and what you’re doing is basically bracing for impact so that when it inevitably happens, you’re already worked through it in your head a million times and you’re not going to be as hurt in order to move past fear of abandonment issues. You’ve got to do the work to recognize that you are worthy of love. Finally, number seven, Judge Leanness judgment comes as a result of hurt.

That’s it. You’re a judge, a person I guarantee your deeply wounded. There’s some unresolved hurt from your past. That’s continuing to get triggered. And so you spend all day long casting judgment. So you never have to slow down long enough to deal with the hurt. And when you start to judge someone, please think of Cassandra’s update from her sister. You just never know what someone else is feeling, thinking or going through. What’s the fastest way to find out?

Pick up the phone and have the conversation and find the truth. And as Cassandra said, decades of distance can be erased with one phone call. So you might consider making it. All right, now I have a surprise. There’s actually a seventh coaching session in this audio book, and it’s for you. Now I want to coach you. You’ve learned that in order to get control of your life, you’ve got to first understand what you do when you feel afraid, you run to silence yourself.

What do you do? There is a pattern there. There’s no denying it. And before you listen to this audiobook, you probably didn’t even realize it. But every time you’re afraid, you react in the same way. And it’s become so automatic that it is now a habit and that habit, it is keeping you stuck. But as your coach, I’m telling you, once you see this pattern, you’ve got the power to change it. And if you change a response to situations that make you feel nervous or afraid, you’re going to take control of your life.

That’s how you do it. Now, for each of the six people that you heard me, coach, you learned what they were afraid of. And then you learned the pattern of behavior that they were stuck in. And you learned that by identifying the pattern, that they were able to move forward with a different response to things that make them nervous or afraid.

But in order to do that, you have to first become aware of how fear and nerves are felt in your body. You see, you have body wisdom. I have it. You have it. We all have it. But you might not be paying attention to it. Well, that’s got to change. So I want to ask you a question. Is your coach and it’s the same question that I asked you at the very beginning of this book.

What makes you feel afraid or nervous? What are you afraid of? And to help you answer this, I’m going to remind you of what you learned about the six men and women that you just listened to. Dan is afraid that he’s not going to figure out what he should do with his life. Heather is terrified of failing. Rosa is afraid of facing the mess that her life has become. Casey, he’s afraid of being put on the spot or called out.

Amy, she’s afraid of conflict and being yelled at. And Cassandra, she’s afraid of being abandoned. And as a domestic violence survivor, she’s terrified of being beat up again.

Now, me, I’m afraid of disappointing people. Maybe you’re afraid of one of the things that I just said, or maybe it’s something else. Maybe you’re afraid of not living up to your potential or screwing up your kids, or maybe you’re afraid that you’re really not that great under the surface. You’re afraid that people are judging you or you’re afraid of being criticized or you’re afraid of being alone. Are you afraid of disappointing people or maybe you’re afraid you’re not enough.

Whatever it is that you’re afraid of, it’s personal to you. Being afraid, being nervous. Totally normal. But you can control what you do in response to it. And remember, there is an amazingly tight connection between fear and control.

Then what I want you to do is I want you to start paying attention to when those nerves or that feeling of fear is present in your body.

Tune into it. What does it feel like for you? What does your body do? Because becoming aware of the way your body physically manifests your nerves and fears, it’s going to help you recognize when you’re getting triggered before that fear rises up and turns into thoughts that start to spiral and make Iran or be silent, because once you know what you’re afraid of. And once you’ve identified and have the awareness about the way your body feels and expresses fear in nerves.

Now, I want you to think about this. What do you do when you feel nervous or afraid? What do you do when you feel nervous or afraid? For Dan, he’s afraid he’s not going to figure out what to do with his life. So that triggers him to try to figure it out by thinking and thinking and thinking and all this thinking. It keeps him stuck spinning ideas for Heather because she’s afraid of failing. She doesn’t even try.

So fear triggers her to not do anything for Rosa because she’s afraid of facing the mess that she believes her life has become. She clings to her stuff because it gives her a sense of momentary control, because it’s at least something that she can hold on to.

The other stuff feels too big. So fear triggers her to focus and obsess about her things.

For Casey, because he’s afraid of being judged and called out, he tries to manage what people think about him and he avoids situations in which she feels put on the spot. So he avoids the office like the plague and he’s questioning what his family does. So fear is triggering him to isolate himself. For Amy, because she’s afraid of conflict and being yelled at, she stays silent and keeps her mouth closed, particularly at work. So fear triggers her to be quiet.

For Cassandra, because she’s afraid of being abandoned, she’s always preparing for the people in her life to be gone. So fear is triggering her to push people away, to prepare. And she’s also afraid of getting into a situation as a domestic violence survivor where she’s being physically abused. And so she monitors and she nit picks the people in her life in order to try to control their behavior, particularly drinking. And she does it so things don’t spin out of control.

So fear is triggering her to micromanage and to nit pick. For me. Well, sometimes I run in panic, and whenever I’m afraid of disappointing people, I lie and I act like a chameleon in order to fit in. At least I used to. You see, I discovered the pattern and I changed it. And so can you. And now it’s your turn to answer the question, because you have a pattern whenever you feel nervous or afraid. There is a pattern there.

What do you do? You’ve got to see the pattern because then you have the power to change it. And that’s how you take control of your life. That’s how I stopped panicking. That’s how I stopped being concerned about what other people think. That’s how I stopped being insecure. I discovered the pattern that nerves and that fear was triggering. Now, you’ve heard me say this over and over again, and that’s because I want you to figure out this pattern after identifying the pattern for yourself.

You now need to create a new response to fear. That’s exactly what you heard. All six people do for Dan. He is triggered to think and think and think when he feels nervous and afraid. So he’s going to replace thinking with moving brick by brick. One action at a time forever. Fear triggered her to be so hard on herself. And that was paralyzing. So she’s going to replace putting herself down and not trying. With a growth mindset and focusing on her effort for Rosa.

Her fears triggered her to start hoarding things. And so she’s replacing hoarding with getting rid of things so she can make room for more empowered change. For Casey, his fears triggered him to hide. So he’s going to replace avoiding situations in which she feels put on the spot by showing up at his office and owning his story with his family and friends. For Amy. Well, she’s already replacing shutting up with speaking up. And for Cassandra, she’s stopped nit picking and started sharing how she really feels.

And that’s given her immediate control. And she’s also swapped out her habit of grabbing alcohol and swapped in a cup of camomile tea. So what pattern are you going to change? I want you to decide on a new empowering pattern. And I want you to start using that in place of the thing that you do when you normally feel nervous or afraid. If you’re silent. Speak up. If you overthink. Take action. If you run Stand Your Ground.

You heard how Cassandra’s life is being transformed. And I’m promise you, when you start to attack these patterns, you will take control and your life will be transformed, too. But there’s one more important thing that I need to say to you. You can identify your fear. You can figure out the pattern that you turn to and you can pick out a new empowering pattern. You can stop running from the things that scare you. You can stop being silent when you feel nervous.

You have the self-awareness to do all of this. But to actually pivot and break the pattern that’s not serving you and to act in a new way that gives you control away, that’s truly aligned with the things that you want versus letting fear win and being triggered all the time. You got to take action. I’m sorry. There is no way around this. Just think about Amy. She walked right into her boss’s office despite the fact that her neck was on fire and her stomach was flipping out.

She took control.

It’s so easy to go on autopilot and default to all those patterns of being silent and running away because you have used them over and over and over again. But now you have the tools to interrupt this pattern. But it’s going to be a choice. You have to use them. You have to use them every single day. Because I think one of the other things that you learned by being with me and listening to this is it’s all taking place in the little moments.

It’s the stuff that’s happening every day, the small ways that you silence yourself, the small ways that you think instead of take action, the small ways that you run away from the things that scare you. I don’t want you to finish this book and figure out I was great. All right. What am I gonna listen to next? I want you to prove it. Prove to yourself that you can change. Because I know you can. Brick by brick, one small action at a time.

The patterns from your past do not define you unless you let them. Every day, every moment, you have a chance to silence fear, because every single day there are going to be moments and there are going to be people that make you feel nervous. They’re going to be situations that make you feel a little afraid. They’re going to be things that make you start to feel like things are about to go out of control. Do not run. Do not hide.

Do not be silent. Yes, you may get triggered. Yes. You may feel yourself reach for the pattern. But now you get to decide what’s true for you. Who are you now? A lot of this stuff happened in the past. A lot of these patterns you created in order to deal with other people in your life. A lot of the things that you do when you run and you silence yourself, you did it to survive when you were little.

But when you let fear control your life, now you’re giving permission to those people from your past to decide what’s true for you now. Stop it. You decide what’s true. And you do it by owning your story and you do it by interrupting these patterns. I want to remind you of what Casey told you in his session. I told you that this was the most important thing that you needed to learn from this audio book. And I want you to hear it again right now.

Today, I learned that who I was does not dictate who I am and who I’m becoming and that I grew through this process and I changed and it was an everyone else’s opinions and how they perceived who I am, but that all the change came from me and I need to own that. What I’m flipping is owning who I was when I was young and people’s perceptions of me and flipping that to a different story. It’s the same story, but telling it different.

Who I was does not dictate who I am and who I am becoming. All the change came from me and I need to own that and all the change comes from you. And you need to own that. Casey is telling his story differently. It is now time for you to do the same. And you start brick by brick. And as you start changing the patterns that don’t serve you. Please keep me updated. I love nothing more than hearing how these tools are changing your life.

You do not need to thank me. You do not need to acknowledge me. I will take the acknowledgement. I appreciate it. But I want you to get the credit. You own the change because it came from you and you can find me on social media.

And I am always watching for your comments. I am always watching for your posts. If you Tagus, we will likely feature you in our story. So if you’re not part of our community online, get your rear end over to the Internet and find us and join us.

And if you’ve got questions posted on social media, tag me and use the hashtag hashtag. Ask Mel because I’m watching and I’m also cheering. I’m cheering for you every step of the way. Now go take control of your life.

This has been an audible original’s production of Take Control of Your Life, How to Silence, Fear and Win the Mental Game, created and narrated by Mel Robbins, executive producers Dave Bloom, Keith O’Connell and Mike Shaza, editorial producer Rose Hilliard, producers Kat Lambrix, Mel Robbins, Mandy Bergen, Tracy Mertz, Donna Morrin, Rob Whitaker, edited by Sara Khoza. Peg Losa mixed and mastered by Darren Vermont’s. Copyright 2018. Mel Robbins Sound Recording. Copyright 2018 by Audible Originals LLC.

This audio book is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional.

The conversations in this project contain references to persons whose viewpoints are not represented. Their memories of events referenced in this project may differ dramatically, since there are always two sides to every story. Audible hope you have enjoyed this program.