فصل 15

15

Choose Your Coffin

Whenever Tedros was stressed, he worked out. So to see him sweating at 6:00 a.m. in the Groom Room, throwing hammers, pumping dumbbells, and swimming laps, meant he had a lot on his mind. It was understandable. The Snow Ball invitations had been slipped under doors during the night.

As he scaled climbing ropes made of braided blond hair, he cursed the fact he would spend Christmas at a Ball. Why did everything with Evers revolve around oppressive formal dances? The problem with Balls was that boys had to do all the work. Girls could flirt and scheme and wish all they wanted, but in the end, it’s the boy who had to make his choice and hope she said yes. Tedros wasn’t worried about the girl saying yes. He was worried there was no girl he wanted to ask at all.

He couldn’t remember the last time he actually liked a girl. And yet, he always had one following him, claiming to be his girlfriend. It happened every time. He vowed to forget girls, then noticed one getting attention, set out to prove he could get her, got her, and discovered she was a fatuous prince hunter who had had her eye on him all along. The Beatrix Curse. No. There was a better name for it.

The Guinevere Curse.

Tedros was only nine when his mother, Guinevere, made off with the knight Lancelot, leaving him and his father alone. He heard the whispers that followed. “She found love.” But what about all those times she said “I love you” to his father? All the times she said it to him? Which love was real?

Night after night, Tedros watched his father slip further into heartbreak and drunkenness. Death came within the year. With his last breaths, King Arthur gripped his son’s hands.

“The people will need a queen, Tedros. Don’t make my mistakes. Look for the girl who is truly Good.” Tedros climbed higher and higher on the golden braids, veins straining against muscle.

Don’t make my mistakes.

His hand slipped and he fell off the rope, crashing to a soft mat. Cheeks red, he glowered at the taunting waterfalls of hair.

All the girls here were mistakes. Guineveres who confused love with kisses.

Daylight flecked across Agatha’s pillow. She stirred and saw Sophie hunched on Reena’s old bed.

“Why are you still here! If the wolves catch you, it’s the Doom Room again! Besides, you should be home writing that anonymous love poem to Tedr—” “You didn’t tell me there’s a Ball.”

Sophie held up a glittering snowflake invitation, Agatha’s name in pearls.

“Oh, who cares about a stupid Ball?” Agatha groaned. “We’ll be long gone. Now make sure that poem talks about who he is as a person. His honor, his valor, his cour—” Sophie was smelling the invitation now.

“Sophie, listen to me! The closer we get to the Ball, the more Tedros looks for a date! The more he looks for a date, the more he falls in love with someone else! The more he falls in love with someone else, the more he leaves us here to die! Got it?” “But I want to be his date.”

“YOU’RE NOT INVITED!”

Sophie pursed her lips.

“Sophie, Tedros has to kiss you now! Otherwise we’ll never get home!” “Honestly, do they even check invitations at a Ball?” Agatha snatched the invitation. “Stupid me. I thought you wanted to stay alive!” “But I can’t miss the Ball!”

Agatha shoved her towards the door. “Use the Tunnel of Trees—” “Marble hall, glittering gowns, waltzing under stars . . .” “If a wolf catches you, just say you’re lost—” “A Ball, Aggie! A real Ball!”

Agatha kicked her out. Sophie scowled back.

“My roommates will help me. They’re true friends.” She slammed the door on Agatha’s shocked expression.

Ten minutes later, Hester stamped her foot, nearly killing Anadil’s rat.

“HELP! YOU WANT ME TO HELP A NEVER KISS AN EVER! I’D RATHER STICK MY HEAD UP A HORSE’S—” “Sophie, no villain ever finds love,” Anadil said, hoping reason might save her rats. “To even look for it is to betray your own soul—” “You want me to go home?” Sophie snapped, picking away tunnel leaves. “Then put a hex on Tedros so he asks me to the Ball.” “THE BALL!” Hester screeched. “HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT THE BALL?” “A villain at a Ball?” said Dot.

“A villain waltzing!” said Anadil.

“A villain curtsying!” said Hester, and all three collapsed into howls.

“I’m going to that Ball,” Sophie fumed.

“Presenting the Witch of Woods Beyond!” Hester cackled through tears.

By lunch, she wasn’t laughing.

First, Sophie was twenty minutes late to class after trying to find a solution to her jagged hair. She disguised it with berets, bows, combs before settling on a daisy wreath.

“Not hideous,” she sighed before she walked into Uglification and saw students’ hair turned gray from bat wing potions. A “1” suddenly exploded over her head.

“Hideous!” Professor Manley beamed, ogling her hair. “Your greatest beauty. Gone.” Sophie sobbed as she left class, but then heard Hester scream. In the hall, Albemarle, a studious, spectacled woodpecker, was chipping Sophie’s name just below hers on the Evil rankings board.

“One little love spell, Hester,” Sophie reminded sweetly. “And then I’m gone forever.” Hester stomped away, reminding herself that Nevers kissing Evers couldn’t be encouraged no matter how extreme the circumstances.

At the start of Curses, Lady Lesso swept into the ice chamber, jaw tighter than usual.

“Impossible to find good torturers these days,” she muttered.

“What is she talking about?” Sophie whispered to Dot.

“Beast went missing!” Dot whispered back.

Behind her, Sophie looked nauseous.

Testing the class on Nemesis Dreams, Lady Lesso seethed and sniped at every wrong answer.

“But I thought a Nemesis Dream meant you’ll be a Lead Villain,” Hester said— “No, you imbecile! Only if you have symptoms! A Nemesis Dream is nothing without symptoms!” Lady Lesso retorted. “Dot, what do you taste in your mouth during your first Nemesis Dream?” “What you ate before bed?”

“Blood, you idiot!” Lady Lesso dragged nails across the ice wall. “Oh, what I’d give to see a real villain in this school. A real villain who could make Good weep instead of these dung fleas.” When it came to her turn, Sophie expected the worst abuse, only to have Lady Lesso give her a wart for a surely incorrect answer and caress her shorn hair as she passed.

“Why is she being nice to you?” Hester hissed behind her.

Sophie had the same question, but turned around with a smile. “Because I’m future Class Captain. As long as I stay here, that is.” Hester looked like she might break Sophie’s neck. “Love spells are junk villainy. They don’t work.” “I’m sure you’ll find one that does,” Sophie said.

“I’m warning you, Sophie. This will end badly.” “Hmm . . . What about petunias in every room?” Sophie mused. “I think it’ll be my first proposal as Class Captain.” That night Hester wrote to her relatives for love spells.

“It’s contagious,” Agatha moaned as Evergirls bounded around the Clearing showing each other their invitations, each snowflake a different shape. Nearby Tedros shot marbles and ignored them entirely. “Every challenge had to do with Ball beauty, Ball etiquette, Ball entrances, Ball history—” Sophie wasn’t listening. Pail of pig’s feet in hand, she gazed longingly at the Evergirls.

“No,” Agatha said.

“But what if he asks me?”

“Sophie, he needs to kiss you now! Not take you to some stupid Ball!” “Oh, Agatha, don’t you know your fairy tales? If he takes me to the Ball, then he’ll kiss me! Like Cinderella at midnight! Kisses always happen at the Ball! And by then my hair will have grown and I’ll have fixed my shoes and—oh no, the gown! Can you steal some charmeuse from one of the girls? Some crepe de chine too. And tulle! Mountains of tulle! Preferably in pink, but I can always dye it, though tulle never looks quite right dyed. Perhaps we should go with chiffon, then. Much more manageable.” Agatha blinked, speechless.

“You’re right, I should ask him first,” Sophie said, leaping up. “No frowns, darling. It’ll be easy as pie. You’ll see! Princess Sophie at a Ball!” “What are you—YOU’LL RUIN EVERYTHI—”

But Sophie had already flounced to the Evers’ side, plopped next to Tedros, and held out her pail.

“Hello, handsome. Want some of my . . . feet?” Tedros misfired his marble into Chaddick’s eye. The entire Clearing went silent.

He turned to her. “Your girlfriend’s calling.” Sophie followed his eyes to Agatha, waving her off.

“She’s just upset,” Sophie sighed. “You were right, Tedros. She and I are too close. That’s why I left in the middle of class yesterday. To tell her it’s time I make Good friends now.” “Dot said you left because you were sick.”

Sophie coughed. “Oh, well, I had a bit of a cold—” “She said it was diarrhea.”

“Diarr—” Sophie swallowed. “You know Dot. Always making things up.” “She doesn’t seem like a liar to me.”

“Oh, she’s always lying. Just to get attention. Since she’s, you know . . .” Tedros raised his eyebrows. “Since she’s . . .” “Fat.”

“I see.” Tedros lined up his marble. “Funny, isn’t it? She crawled into empty graves to eat enough worms for the two of you, just so you wouldn’t fail. Said you’re her best friend.” “Did she?” Sophie saw Dot waving at her. “How depressing.” She turned to Tedros, who was preparing to shoot. “Do you remember when we first met, Tedros? It was in the Blue Forest. Nothing that happened after matters, not you punching me or calling me a Never or you landing in poo. What matters is what you felt at first sight. You wanted to rescue me, Tedros. And here I am.” She folded her hands. “Whenever you’re ready, then.” Tedros looked up at her. “What?”

“To ask me to the Ball,” Sophie said, smiling.

The prince’s face didn’t change.

“I know it’s a bit early, but a girl does have to plan,” Sophie pressed.

Beatrix shoved in. “No room for Nevers.”

“What? There’s plenty of room,” Sophie huffed— But Reena jostled her, then six other girls, and Sophie was pushed out of the circle entirely. She whirled to Tedros to defend her.

“Can you go away?” he said, eyes on his marble. “You’re blocking my view.” Agatha smirked as Sophie stomped towards her.

“Easy as pie, hmm?”

Sophie blew past her—

“Humble pie!” Agatha shouted.

“It’s the hair!” Sophie sobbed.

“It’s not the hair!” Agatha said as they trudged through the Blue Forest gates. “You need to make him like you first! Otherwise we’ll never get home!” “It’s supposed to be love at first sight. That’s how fairy tales work!” “Time for Plan B.”

“Then again, he didn’t say no,” Sophie said hopefully. “Perhaps it didn’t go so badly.” Dot rushed up. “Everyone’s saying you called Tedros a liar, threw poo in his face, and licked his feet!” Sophie turned to Agatha. “What’s Plan B?”

They arrived with the rest of their Forest Group to find eight glass coffins nestled in turquoise grass.

“Each week, we’ll repeat the challenge to discern Good from Evil, since it is the most crucial skill you will take into the Woods,” Yuba announced. “Today we’ll test the Evers. Given the fascination with yesterday’s burials, I thought we’d give you a taste of your own.” With that, he made Evergirls and Nevergirls climb into the open coffins and with a swish of his staff, turned all eight into identical dark-haired princesses with big hips, round backsides, and trouty lips.

“I’m obese,” Sophie gasped.

“Look, this is your chance,” Agatha said, remembering Princess Uma’s words. “If Tedros is your greatest wish, he’ll be pulled towards you! He’ll know you’re his true love!” “But Beatrix will wish for him too!”

“You have to wish harder! Focus on what you love about him! Focus on what makes him yours!” Yuba slammed the glass lids on both girls and jumbled the eight coffins. “Now study the maidens carefully and search for signs of Good,” he said to the boys. “Once you’re sure you’ve found an Ever, kiss her hand and her true nature will be revealed!” The Everboys warily ventured towards the coffins— “We want to play too.”

Yuba turned to Hort and the Neverboys, chomping at the bit.

“Mmm, I suppose it’ll give our girls incentive to behave,” said the gnome.

Inside the coffins, eight plump princesses stiffened as both Good and Evil boys wandered around them. Hort snuck to a blue mint bush, stepped over a snacking skunk, and tore off a few leaves. He saw Ravan staring.

“What? I like being fresh,” said Hort, munching mint.

“Hurry up and make your choices!” Yuba barked.

In her coffin, Agatha wished Tedros would look deep into Sophie’s heart and see who she truly was. . . .

In her coffin, Sophie closed her eyes and thought of everything she loved about her prince. . . .

Tedros, meanwhile, didn’t want any of these girls. But just as he was about to bag the challenge, he felt his eyes drawn to the third coffin. Something pulled him towards its maiden, even though she looked just like all the rest. A warmth, a glow, a spark of energy pulsing between them. Yes, something was there. Something he hadn’t noticed before. One of these girls was more than what she seemed. . . .

“Time’s up!” Yuba said.

Agatha heard a bloodcurdling shriek and spun to Sophie, back in her body, lips scrunched against Hort’s.

Hort released her. “Oh, the hand. Oops.” He popped another mint leaf. “Should we start again?” “You APE!” Sophie kicked him and he crashed into the mint bush, onto the snacking skunk, which raised its tail and sprayed him in the eyes. Hort staggered around, ramming into coffins—“I’m blind! I’m blind!”—until he smashed into Sophie’s again, which slammed shut, sealing his skunked body in with hers. Aghast, Sophie rammed the glass, but it wouldn’t budge.

“Rule 5. Nevers don’t trifle with love,” Yuba crabbed. “Fitting punishment. Now come, boys, let’s see who you’ve picked.” Agatha heard her own coffin open. She turned and saw Tedros lift her thick hand towards his tender lips. Stunned, Agatha kneed him in the chest. Tedros fell back, bashed his head on the coffin top, and slumped to the ground. Everboys crowded around him, and princess clones jumped from their coffins to help, while Yuba conjured a block of ice for the prince’s skull. In the chaos, Agatha slipped out of her coffin and into the one next to it.

Tedros staggered up, with no intention of letting his princess go.

Yuba grimaced. “Perhaps you should sit do—” “I want to finish.”

With a sigh, Yuba nodded at the clones, who climbed back into the coffins and closed their eyes.

Tedros remembered it was the third coffin. He lifted the jeweled glass over its maiden and kissed her hand with confidence. The princess melted into Beatrix, smiling imperiously—Tedros dropped her hand like a hot stone. In the next coffin, Agatha sighed with relief.

The wolves howled in the distance. As the class followed Yuba back to school, Agatha stayed behind with Sophie.

“Come, Agatha,” Yuba called. “This is Sophie’s lesson to learn.” Agatha glanced back to see Sophie sealed in with Hort, holding her nose as she screamed and kicked the glass. Maybe the gnome was right. Tomorrow her friend would be ready to listen.

“She’ll survive,” she muttered, following the others. “It’s only Hort.” But Hort wasn’t the problem.

The problem was that Sophie had seen Agatha switch coffins.