فصل 08

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ADVANCED BODY LANGUAGE

HAVE YOU EVER MET SOMEONE whom you found truly repulsive? Someone who, by their mere presence, made you feel so uncomfortable and so off-kilter that if you had still been in grade school, you’d have asked your desk partner to give you a cootie shot?

For all you non–East Coasters, a cootie shot is a make-believe injection given to you by a friend, to protect you from catching another kid’s cooties. Common symptoms of cooties include wearing flood pants, picking your nose and eating it, a love of fossils, being chosen last for sports teams, making discombobulated arm movements while speaking, and a general grossness that announces itself from at least fifty yards away. (As an aside, it’s strongly recommended that children who don’t suffer from cooties treat those who do with the utmost compassion, because there’s a 99 percent chance that they’ll end up working for one of them when they’re older.)

Whatever the case, I’m sure that, at some point in your life, you’ve all crossed paths with someone who triggered that type of visceral negative response in you. What I’d like you to do right now is think back to that very moment when you first laid eyes on that person and that gut-wrenching feeling first washed over you. You’re almost certain to find that it was not the person’s words or tonality that gave you the heebie-jeebies; rather, it was their body language. There was something about the way they looked or acted or moved their body or shook your hand or failed to make eye contact or stood too close to you that set off the alarm bell that rocked you to your core.

The bottom line is that nonverbal communication is ten times more powerful than verbal communication, and it hits you with the force of a cannonball to the gut. Things like thoughts and feelings and intentions are all communicated in the way that you move your body: by your management of space and time, your posture, appearance, gestures, the way you make facial expressions and eye contact, even the way you smell.

All of that gets processed in a microsecond when you are speaking to someone in person and they lay eyes on you for the first time. It’s not so much that effective body language will close the deal for you. What I’m saying is ineffective body language will blow the deal for you. It stops you or doesn’t allow you to get into a rapport with someone else; they are repelled by what they see.

When a person lays eyes on you for the first time, in that 1/24th of a second that their judgment indicator goes up and down, they see your face and how you move and they make a judgment. In essence, they rip you apart, process you in their brain, then put you back together and you are judged.

Either you are being judged as a person who is sharp, on the ball, someone they want to do business with, or you’re being judged as someone they do not want to do business with, which is to say: someone who repels them, someone who they perceive to not be an expert or to not be sharp or enthusiastic. All those things that you need to get in tight rapport.

Here’s a story to illustrate how repulsive negative body language can be. It happened at a seminar I gave in Sydney, Australia, one of my favorite cities in the world. I had just gone through the whole section on body language in detail, delved into all the particulars of eye contact, how you shake hands, how close you stand to somebody.

I was on that last issue of how close you stand for fifteen minutes, calling people on stage and allowing them to experience for themselves how awful it feels when someone invades your space bubble. So everyone is getting it, everyone is right in tune.

I take a short break, and as soon as I walk off the stage, some wacky Australian comes running up to me, with his thick accent, saying, “Yo, mate, mate, mate!” He gets right in my face, and I’m thinking, “Oh my god.” The guy continues to invade my space, all the while saying, “I got this thing, I got this thing, mate, mate, mate.” As I am tuning out and covering my face to stop the spit that’s being rained down on me, this guy is trying to explain his revolutionary invention called the Express Loo.

Express Loo? Turns out it’s a porta-potty for five-year-olds, and he wants to demonstrate, right then and there, how you use this little wooden thing. Anyway, long story short, he ends up corralling not just me but my Australian manager, my seminar promoter, and everyone else in earshot. In every case, he runs up to the person and gets right in their face. And every person walks away with the same exact feeling, which is: “I don’t know about his product, but I would never do business with this guy in a million years.”

The bottom line is this: body language is not going to get you the sale, but the wrong body language will destroy the opportunity to make a sale.

The things a person will internally debate start with a very basic observation: your appearance. They’ll then make a snap decision about you as a result of that. It’s like we discussed in item number one on the syntax. They’ll be debating things like how clean-cut you are, if you’re well dressed or not, how much jewelry you’re wearing. It all goes back to judging a book by its cover. How someone dresses, how long their hair is, how they groom themselves, how they shake hands—it all makes a huge difference in how we’re perceived and, for that matter, how we perceive other people.

For instance, when a man wears a suit and tie, we immediately perceive him as someone who has his shit together: a person of power, so to speak. Same thing goes for a woman, although we’re talking about a power suit in that case. A pantsuit or a skirt is fine, but the skirt should be no higher than just above the knee, and there should be no excessive makeup, jewelry, or perfume. Too much of these things can undermine a woman’s credibility.

Remember, sex sells—for both men and women—but only in a Dolce & Gabbana ad or a Calvin Klein commercial, not in the workplace. If a man or woman wants to be taken seriously, they can’t come to work dressed like they’re going to a nightclub, or coming from the gym. It sends the wrong signal and undermines their credibility. But this whole idea of wrapping your package, as the phrase goes, extends far beyond clothing and perfume. It cuts through to everything.

Let’s start with men’s facial hair.

Anything more than a closely cropped beard or mustache, and you should shave it. It gives off an untrustworthy vibe. It also hints at a lack of pride and a lack of attention to detail. Now, there are a few exceptions to this, of course, like if you’re selling Harley-Davidsons for a living, or if you’re in a part of the world, like the Middle East, where a beard is customary. But, generally speaking, unkempt facial hair is a definite no-no.

The equivalent of an unruly beard for a woman would be an extreme hairdo of some kind. It’s just the sheer excess of it all. It makes you wonder, “What’s wrong with this person?” The same thing goes for excessive jewelry. It’s a major negative, both for a man and for a woman, albeit for entirely different reasons.

Can you guess what’s the worst thing a man can wear, in terms of creating a perception of mistrust?

A pinky ring, especially if it has a big, fat diamond on it. There’s nothing more toxic than a diamond pinky ring when it comes to inspiring mistrust. It gives off the distinct whiff of you being a sharpie—someone who’s on the make. A hustler, but one who’s dressed in an expensive suit . . . and who wears a pinky ring.

That being said, there are certain circumstances where a pinky ring is actually appropriate, such as if you’re the host at a casino, or if you work behind the counter of a jewelry store. It’s called the Law of Congruency, and it fits into the same category as my Harley-Davidson example. In other words, the best way to dress is in a style that’s congruent with your profession.

A plumber, for instance, shouldn’t be wearing a suit and tie when he shows up at your door to give an estimate. Not only would it look ridiculous, but you might also take it as a sign that he’s going to overcharge you because he needs to pay for more suits!

Conversely, if the plumber showed up at your door looking like a total slob, then you’d probably be concerned that his work would be as sloppy as he is. And nobody wants sloppy work done on their plumbing. Based on the Law of Congruency, he should wear a crisp, clean uniform with his company logo on the front and his name embroidered onto the shirt. He should be holding a clipboard, and on it should be a blank estimate form, ready to be filled out.

A male insurance agent should be in a suit and tie. He should wear little if any cologne. If he wears too much, he’ll be perceived as a sharpie. A female insurance agent should be in a power suit, with just enough makeup and jewelry to show that she takes pride in her appearance but isn’t defined by it. And she should be carrying a leather briefcase, but not a Hermès one or one made from crocodile. If she likes perfume, then just a hint.

This is all actually pretty easy to get once you understand the principles behind it. Think back to all of the salespeople you’ve met over the years who violated these rules—all the stockbrokers and insurance brokers and real estate agents and car salesmen . . . doesn’t it amaze you that they were ignoring these easily fixable errors?

The funny thing is, at the time, you couldn’t figure out exactly why you didn’t trust those people, or why you didn’t feel like they had your best interest at heart. But now you know, and it all seems pretty obvious in retrospect. Tools like these help you get into an unconscious rapport very quickly.

But let’s not jump ahead. For now, remember that getting into a rapport with someone is done primarily through tonality and body language, not your words. In terms of body language, I’ve talked about wrapping your package, but there’s so much more. For instance, males and females respond very differently to certain types of body language, and the rules, of course, change accordingly.

Let’s start with spatial awareness. If you’re a man selling to another man, then you want to do what’s called cornering off—meaning you want to stand at a slight angle to another man, as opposed to directly in front of him. When a man faces another man, it creates for many a feeling of conflict and hostility, and it instantly takes the men out of rapport. So what you do to avoid this is you corner off with the other man—meaning you shift your body position so you’re at a slight angle to him, which has the effect of immediately disarming him.

If you’re a man, try it yourself sometime. You’ll be shocked at how much more natural it feels than standing face-to-face with another man. It’s almost like letting air out of a balloon when you corner off. You feel an immediate release of pressure.

For communication with a woman, though, it’s the exact opposite. If you’re a man trying to influence a woman, the woman wants you to stand directly in front of her and keep your hands above waist level, where she can see them.

Conversely, if you’re a female trying to influence another female, then you definitely want to corner off, just like a man with another man; however, if you’re trying to influence a male, then you definitely want to stand directly in front of him. Either way, what you don’t want to be is one of those dreaded space invaders—those people who invade another’s space bubble. (They are usually spitters too!) In the Western world, the space bubble is about two and a half to three feet. You want to maintain at least that much distance between yourself and your prospect when you’re standing next to them. Otherwise, you run the risk of being branded a space invader. Space-invading spitters make you want to take out an umbrella and use it as a spit guard.

However, there is one exception to the space invader rule, and that’s in Asia. People tend to stand a bit closer in Asia, marking about a half-foot difference.

The Asian culture, like all unique cultures, has its own norms. As such, in general, Asians pay particular attention to body language, especially when it comes to establishing status. Take their formal bow, for instance. Who bows lower, and who rises first, instantly establishes the power hierarchy of the parties. For the Asian culture, bowing is the cornerstone of a successful greeting, similar to the way the handshake is to Americans. On that note, the way you shake hands says a lot more about you than you actually think. It can set you up to quickly get into a rapport with someone, or it can eliminate that possibility entirely.

Have you ever had someone grab your hand and shake it like you were a rag doll? What were you thinking while you were coming out of your shoes and your hair was flopping around? Was it something along the lines of “What the hell is wrong with this person?”

When someone starts shaking your hand like that, they might think they’re making a good first impression, but they’re actually not. In fact, all it does is make you wonder what they are trying to prove. Are they looking to establish power over me? Are they trying to intimidate me? The same thing goes for the opposite type of handshake—the so-called dead fish approach. This is where they extend their limp hand, which hangs like a piece of overcooked spaghetti, and just hold it there, like they don’t really give a shit. We hate it because it’s actually the ultimate power handshake. It’s like someone’s saying to you, “I don’t care what the hell you think about me. I’m so far above you that you’re not even worthy of me shaking hands with you in an appropriate manner.”

The best handshake for getting into a rapport with someone is called the cooperator’s handshake, which is your basic, neutral handshake, where you meet someone’s hand head-on. You’re not above them or below them; you’re even with them, and you return the same pressure they give to you. It’s part of an overall rapport-building strategy called matching, which has to do with entering a prospect’s world and being where they are. (More on this later.) However, in this context, matching means that if someone shakes your hand firmly, then you should shake theirs just as firmly—up to a point. I mean, you don’t want to get into a squeeze-off with somebody, where they shake your hand really hard, so you try to shake theirs even harder, to which they shake yours even harder, and then you try to outdo them again. You don’t want to be like, “Okay, big shot! I’ll show you!” You’re better off letting them out-squeeze you a bit, while you maintain good, solid eye contact, so they know they haven’t intimidated you.

Speaking of eye contact, here’s an interesting fact: if you don’t make eye contact at least 72 percent of the time, people won’t trust you. There have been detailed studies on this stuff, and 72 percent is the number. You can look it up online. Anything more, and you risk getting into a stare-off with somebody.

The magic number is 72 percent. It’s enough to show that you care and that you’re engaged in the conversation, but it’s not too much. Basically, it’s not so much that you look like you have something to prove.

One more thing about body language: watch the position of your arms. Someone who crosses their arms can be communicating that they are closed to new ideas. Arm positioning is one of the most basic elements of body language—being open versus being closed—and it’s obviously very easy to spot.

Now, just because someone’s arms are crossed doesn’t mean that they’re definitely closed to new ideas. They might just be cold, for all you know. Of course, if I had a choice, I’d want my prospect’s arms in an open position versus closed. All things being equal, it does usually mean that someone’s more open to your ideas. But I definitely wouldn’t take it as the ultimate sign.

When you pay attention to body language, you’ll notice something fascinating. If I’m sitting in front of you with my arms crossed, and then uncross them, you will likely do the exact same thing—without even realizing it. It’s not some kind of Jedi mind trick. It’s called pacing and leading. It’s the next level up from matching, which is what I spoke about before when we were talking about handshakes. With pacing and leading, you’re basically kicking it up a notch, by pacing them, pacing them, and then leading them in the direction that you want them to go. When it’s done right, it’s an immensely powerful strategy, and it works with both tonality and body language.

Active Listening and the Art of Matching

Before we dive more deeply into pacing and matching, let’s discuss another important concept: active listening. This is a way of listening to someone that helps you actually build rapport with them. One of the greatest misconceptions about tonality and body language is that they only come into play while you’re the one doing the talking. In fact, how you move your body, the facial expressions you make, how you smile, and all those little grunts and groans you make as someone’s talking to you—those are all part of the technique I call active listening, and it’s a powerful way to get into a rapport with someone.

Let’s start with something as simple as nodding your head while your prospect is speaking. When you nod your head, it shows that you get what that person is saying; that you’re on the same page. The same thing goes for facial expressions, like when your prospect starts talking about something that’s very important to them. You want to look straight into their eyes, with your own eyes narrowed a bit, and with your mouth crooked to the side. Then you add an occasional nod, along with a few ahas! and yups! and I got its!

Now, if that was my body language while you were explaining your problems to me, what would you think about me? Would you think that I was really listening to you? That I truly cared?

Yes.

There are other facial expressions too—like compressing your lips and lowering your head a bit, which implies sadness, or compressing your lips and nodding your head slowly, which implies sympathy and empathy. The master of this type of body language is President Bill Clinton. Back in his prime, he was the absolute best. He’d shake at least a hundred hands a day, and he had only a split second to earn someone’s trust, and he could do it every time. It seemed that from the second when he shook your hand and you fell into his magnetic zone, you got the feeling that he really cared about you. That he felt your pain.

As for the audible cues, the ahas! and yups!, they’re more effective at maintaining rapport than actually building it. They let the prospect know that you’re still on the same page with them; that you get what they are saying. The audible cues are even more important when you’re on the phone and don’t have body language to rely on. In that case, those little grunts and groans are the only way to stay in rapport with your prospect while they’re talking.

When you’re in person, though, you can also use matching—essentially adopting the same physiology as your prospect to slide into rapport with them. Some examples of this are the position of their body, their posture, and also their breathing rate. Even how fast they blink can be matched.

Matching is an incredibly powerful tool for getting into a rapport with someone, especially when you’re in person and you can match both body language and tonality. But it can also be extremely effective over the phone too, if you focus on matching not just someone’s tonality, but also their rate of speech and the type of words they use, including any slang.

And before you think I’m saying something creepy about copying someone, let’s review again. You’re not copying, you’re matching them; there’s a big difference. Copying someone is called mirroring, meaning that you actually try to mirror your prospect’s physical actions in real time, as they’re doing them. If they scratch their nose, then you scratch your nose, and if they cross their legs and lean back in their seat, then you cross your legs and lean back in your seat. Now, that is creepy, and it’s also obvious, which is something I’m not a fan of at all.

But I am a fan of matching, which means that if your prospect leans back in their seat, then you lean back in your seat too, but you do it slowly, casually, after a five- or ten-second lag. In the end, it all goes back to likability—meaning that people want to do business with people who are basically like them—not different. You start that process by entering a prospect’s world where they are, which sets you up to slide into rapport. Then you want to pace them, pace them, and then lead them in the direction that you want them to go. This is a really powerful tool when you use it right.

Remember, there’s pace, pace, lead . . . and then there’s Pace! Pace! Freaking Lead! That’s the way I teach it: ninja-style, on steroids. What I mean by this is that they don’t see it coming. Don’t forget that pacing is one of those things in life that needs to be done exactly right, or else it won’t work. But when you actually do get it right, then watch out! Not only will it help get you into a super-tight rapport with someone, it will also help you change his or her emotional state from a negative one to a positive one and increase the level of certainty.

One story I like to tell about this is the time my son, Carter, came home from soccer practice absolutely furious about this kid on his team who was a major ball hog. That night, my fiancée said, “Carter is really, really upset. Why don’t you go downstairs and see if you can calm him down?”

Here’s what I didn’t do: I didn’t walk downstairs, acting all soft and sympathetic, like I was trying to calm him down. I didn’t drop my tone and say, “Listen, buddy, I know you’re really upset right now, but you shouldn’t let someone get to you like that. It’s not good for you.”

Why? Because then he’d have gotten even madder. He’d have been like, “Don’t get upset? What do you mean don’t get upset? The kid’s a damn ball hog! I hate him! Everyone hates him! He should be thrown off the team!” And then I’d say, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Calm down, buddy. It’s no big deal. Relax for a second.” At which point he’d get even madder. He’d be like, “Bullshit! It is a big deal! I’m not gonna calm down!”

By trying to enter his world in a calm state, when he’s in an aggravated one, I’d only have aggravated him more. So, instead, I matched him. I walked in acting as pissed off and angry as he was. In fact, I acted even angrier. I said, my voice booming, “What the hell is going on, Carter? I know that bastard of a kid is a ball hog! We’ve got to do something about it right now! Should we call the coach and get him thrown off the team?”

Then he matched me, just like I knew he would. He became just as angry as he thought I was, and he said, “Yeah, let’s call the coach! Let’s get him thrown off the team! That kid’s a menace!” To which I said, “Yeah, let’s do that, buddy!” And, just like that, I began lowering my voice and taking on a more sympathetic tone. Then I shook my head sadly and said, “I don’t know, buddy. I wonder what causes him to act that way. You think he has some emotional problems?” And then I softened my voice even more, and added, “It really is a shame.”

And, of course, Carter started shaking his head sadly too. He said, in tones as sympathetic as mine, “Yeah, it really is, Dad. I guess I should feel bad for him. He’s probably really unhappy.”

And just like that, he calmed down.

Matching can be a way to calm anyone down, or get them excited about something, or feeling certain about something. You simply enter their world where they are, and then you pace them, you pace them . . . and then you lead them in the direction you want them to go.

Now, I didn’t invent pacing and leading. It’s been around since the very dawn of human communication. All great communicators do this. They do it naturally, without even thinking about it. But anyone can learn it, once they know the rules.

Remember, the next step in the system, which is the simultaneous gathering of intelligence and building rapport, is more about what your prospect will say to you than what you’ll say to your prospect. In fact, the best way to explain this to you is to go through a simple, yet very powerful, exercise.

The time has now come for me to sell you a pen.