چهار

This is a real tough love coaching session with a woman named Jesse who’s been struggling to lose weight for decades. Now I need to give you a trigger warning because boy is this a tough love conversation? The way I talk to this person, it’s intentional and it’s aggressive but I do it for a reason.

My name is Jesse I am 33 and I am from Syracuse New York. I’m just not comfortable in my skin on a physical level, it’s difficult to fit into certain chairs, to do normal everyday activities with my kids. I’m always the one that stands out in the crowd, typically is the bigger girl in the room and I’m ready to not be dealing with the extra weight that potentially could set, could take my life in the end.

If you’re struggling to lose weight, you’re probably gonna hate me as you listen to this. Just promise me you will listen all the way to the end because the issue that she walked in asking for help with, isn’t the one she needed help with. I was labeled as an emotional eater, as an overeater. I had like an eating disorder and I’m not saying I don’t but I don’t. Why do you get mad when people tell, when people say what’s true about you? Cause I wanna decide what’s true about me. I don’t want other people telling me who I am. You’re gonna hate talking to me, though. Well, maybe that’s why I’m here cause I need.. Yo know I said I needed to push. And let me tell you, she got one. Oh, shit.

You’re listening to live coaching sessions with real people. Hi, Mel. I’m Aisha Hamid from Pakistan. Love you Mel. Hi Mel. I wanna be coached by you. Pick me, Mel. Hi, Mel. My name is Lisa. I’m from Brazil. 54321, come on Mel Robbins, please pick me.

Facing real problems. Anxiety of what other people think. Self-acceptance is my biggest thing. Procrastination is causing me to just build a wall. The fear of losing weight. That should stip this fuck.

And experiencing real change. That’s powerful. That was the real talking. Oh, shit. Now I really know what to do and I feel empowered. That is nuts, Mel. You blew my shit away. This is Kick Ass with Mel Robbins.

Hi, hi. How are you? Good. Welcome to Boston. Thank you. Tell me why you’re here. Why do you wanna talk to me? Okay, I need to get over the self sabotage of my weight loss. Okay. So that’s the main reason. Okay, let’s talk about your weight. How much do you weigh? Alright, I am 293, maybe. Is this the heaviest you’ve ever been? Absolutely. Have you always been heavy? I was healthy weight up until my first second grade and then I had some abuse happened and since then I have always been overweight or obese. And what happened in second or third grade? I was sexually abused by a teenage boy in the neighborhood. What happened? I was at a sleepover and the girl that I was friends with, her older brother was babysitting us. He brought me into his room and he did some sexual acts to me and his friend also to his sister. Did you and the friend ever talk about? No, no. After that she started to bullying me and I started to gain weight so our friendship was over at that point and… What did she do to bully you? We were on the same softball team and it was just she was just snotty towards me on the bus. You know she would make comments about my weight. This is in first and second grades. This is very young. So like the details are foggy but that’s the truth and it’s really only been until recently that I’ve started talking about it. And had you always remembered it or had you suppressed it and then it came back later? I suppressed it and it came back later. Gotcha.

You know you got more choked up when you talked about the bullying than you did when you talked about the molestation and sexual abuse. Why? I think I’m more disconnected with the abuse. The bullying has been, that was something that went on for years. So that was more about like when I got older and older. And it wasn’t until middle school when I started to sing so I had like a positive thing I was known for, that I was able to build my confidence. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Okay, so when did you remember the sexual abuse? Nine months ago. That’s it? How old are you? 33. It was 27 when I remembered mine. I am a survivor as well. It was an incident at fourth grade. Oh, okay. We’re sort about the same.

And how did you remember? What happened? Shit, really? Yes. Oh, my God. Why? What? This is a dramatic story? Well, okay. I was being intimate with my husband and I had a flashback while we’re being intimate. Wow. Yeah, it socked, but as I learned that’s normal, like that’s the way that trauma can come back. And my husband’s a safe place and he was awesome. He’s a great man but yeah so I had this flashback. I was going to EM DR therapy. So you’re going through therapy for your weight and that start up a bunch of stuff that had you remember being sexually abused while making love to your husband? Yes. You can laugh. I laugh because I don’t know how to handle it right now. Look, our issues can be heavy or you can actually try to bring some levity to serious issues so that you have, you get in touch with humanity. Yeah, yeah. You’re still here, you’re still breathing, you’re still on the right side of the soil, like so, and you survived. I did. So the incident itself has enough heaviness to it that if you can find the humor in life, it can be helpful. Absolutely.

Okay so you discover it and then you go back into therapy and what did you learn? I learned that, this is essentially what I learned that this is the reason I’m blocked with my weight loss and also with my businesses that I, you know, my entrepreneur businesses that I sabotage myself a fear of really being seen. So whether that’s being acknowledged in my business, like it’s what I want, it’s what I know, I can get but that happens then I retreat and I sabotage all the hard work I’ve done. The same thing with the weight loss, like, so that’s what I learned after I had the flashback. Okay, and so now that you have this insight, which makes a lot of sense. Okay, good. I’m glad. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. That’s the fear that I talked about it. The reason that I’m fat is because I don’t want anybody to touch me. Yeah, and people go, oh, you’re just lazy. Like you don’t… Are you? No, I’m so fucking hard-worker. Then why are you fat? Because I sabotage myself cause I’m afraid of people. Yeah, but what does that mean? Because I eat. I will eat stuff from my childhood, like those are my favorite foods to go to.

Why did you get mad at me when I said you’re lazy? Because people have said that me. What if it’s true? There’s a difference between being busy which you are and being lazy, which means you actively avoid doing the hard stuff. Okay, okay. You see the difference? And I think that part of the issue is being busy. And you strike me as somebody who, it’s sort of like this energy that if you just keep moving, no one can catch you. Yeah, I do understand what you’re saying about the weight and how it can become a protection and it can become a sense of safety and identity, and it also allows you to not be seen, which makes you feel sad. But I do think there’s a deeper level to this that you haven’t uncovered about what you’re actively doing that will help give you the self-control and the power that you need that you can’t find. Okay.

Have you ever had a period in your life where you did lose weight? Yes. What happened? I was like 23, I think it was. And I was, it was the only time as a healthy weight. And how much you weigh? Did you… I was 150. Okay. Which is pretty… How tall are you? Like 5.7, 5.8. Yeah, that’s a great weight. Yeah, I’d like to be back. Okay, you can get back there. I know. Do believe that? I do. I know it’s gonna be hard and I don’t necessarily think what’s gonna be hard is the physical work. What’s gonna be hard? Letting go of the fear. What are you afraid of? People seeing me. What does that even mean? You see I don’t buy that. I don’t think that’s true. I think you’re dying to be seen. You’re a singer for crying out loud. True, right. I think there’s something else going on entirely. The way in which you’re describing this stuff, okay, is too convenient and seeing the things that you’ve seen it’s not making a difference. And that tells me that we haven’t discovered the truth yet. Okay, not necessarily about what happened with the trauma but actually what you did in response to it and the patterns that you started to develop and the strategies that you started to use. Does that make sense? Sure, yeah.

I was labeled as an emotional eater, as an overeater. I had like an eating disorder and I’m not saying I don’t but I don’t… Why do you get mad when people tell, when people say that what’s true about you? Cause I wanna decide what’s true about me. I don’t want other people telling me who I am. You’re gonna hate talking to me, though. Well, maybe it’s why I’m here, cause I need… You know I said I needed a push and like I need a big push and so, okay, There has been this defense mechanism. It’s like I don’t need anybody. I can do, I can do it on my own and my poor husband has been the, has got the brunt of that, a lot, so.. What do you think you’re angry about? Like, it’s interesting cause you’re lovely and funny and you got a great personality and I would imagine that when you walk into the room your energy and your personality is what’s in the room. Yeah. But underneath all of that there is somebody who’s very angry. Yeah, I could see that. So I don’t really have a lot of deep friendships. Probably for this reason. Cause it gets to that point and I say fuck you and I leave or I move or I go to a different church or I go to a different job. And it gets too close. Yeah, catch me if you can. Yeah, yeah, I don’t know how my husband stuck.. You’re constantly testing people. You… To see if they’re gonna stick around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who is it working? Not great, yeah, and I guess I’m afraid that my husband’s gonna go. I’m gonna push him. Have you? I haven’t pushed him far enough yet, but I know, he has said he’s not happy. He wants more of an intimate relationship. And I just like, close it off, I’m like, I don’t know what are you talking about, we’re fine. You know.

The cool thing is that you know a lot. You know what you reach for when you get emotional. You know that the sexual abuse makes you want to hide. The thing that we haven’t figured out is the real pattern. Okay. I think it has to do with anger. Okay. When I think about what we’ve been talking about so far, the piece that really jumps out at me though is the theme of friends, the theme of bullying and it’s striking to me that, that upsets you more than the sexual abuse that you remembered. That this lack of connection in your life and so let’s talk more about that. Okay.

So why do you think you don’t have any friends? Because I feel like if I am really honest with them then they won’t want to be friends with me. What does that mean? Like they’ll see my ugliness then they’ll run away. What’s your ugliness? What is my ugliness? All right, let’s go, let’s see. I’m selfish. Okay. I’m definitely selfish. I want to be the center of attention. I want to be the most, the best in the room. Trying to think of like, what would people say right now. I love this. I love it cause you’re actually, this is the first time you’re being honest. Okay. I think the last, I think the worst thing that actually happened to you is when a therapist told you that your fat because of sexual abuse. I think it’s the opposite. I don’t think that you want to hide it all. I think you’re pissed off when you’re not the center of attention. You just admitted it. I used to be just like, I used to be the world’s biggest narcissist. It’s why I have very few friends from high school, very few friends from college, very few friends from my 20s and 30s. And it wasn’t until I realized holy shit, I wouldn’t want to be my friend, either. Because I didn’t like to share the attention. I don’t like it when other people are doing better than me. I’m canny, I’m jealous. I’m gossipy and it’s all because it’s gotta be about me. And I think the reason why you haven’t lost weight has nothing to do with sexual abuse. You’ve been have it your whole life. You didn’t remember this. Right. Very floridian of a therapist to tell, oh, conveniently, now we have the answer. No, we don’t. You like your weight. Yes, it’s true. It’s true. Tell me more. I do like my weight.

Why do you like being fat? And I’m gonna use that word. That’s okay. It is fat. Yeah, why do you like it? Why do you like being the size you are? Maybe it’s because I’m… Oh, shit… because I’m the fattest person in the room. So that makes me special somehow. This is very interesting. It almost gives me a reason to be angry at people. Like I feel like people are judging me, but maybe not even saying anything but they look at me and then I’m like oh they think I’m fat. I hate them. You know and I’m like I don’t know this person. I’m trying to think of an example, like, let’s say on the airplane sitting next to this businessman and when you were a fat person like, oh, my God. I did have anxiety sitting, like who am I gonna sit next to? Why? Cause my chub goes over into their seat. You love that, though. Admit it. Oh, cause they see that I’m there. Like they have to know that I’m here. You take up space, man.

If you lost all that weight and you were just 150 pound pastor’s wife dear. Look you’re even disgusted by that idea and you have the audacity come in here and tell me I want to lose weight. I’m sad now, I wanna lose weight. No, you don’t. No, you don’t. Yeah, you’re right. I don’t because I know how to do it. What is the power that you get from being the weight that you are? Tell me all the things that are good about it. Tell me the ways in which you get to use your weight to boss your husband around. Oh, boy. Gosh, how do I use my weight to boss my husband. Or to dominate him. There is a sense of like, you need to pity me because I am fat. Bingo. And I’m fat so I need to take a nap. Yeap and what else? And you need to do the dishes. Yeah. And you need to do laundry and can you just take one of these fm kids so I can take a break because I’m fat… What? Are you kidding me? This is unexpected. It always is. You haven’t gotten down to the core route and the route is not sexual abuse. The core is narcissism and it’s a desperate desire to dominate the hell out of any situation. And yeah maybe you got some rage in you because you got bullied like everybody got bullied, but it spiraled out of control and when you started to get fat, you got people’s attention. Was your mother worried about your weight? Yes, but it was very like… It was very tiptoe. Everyone has tiptoe around me. Cause you’re special. I’m special and all I will, I did, I was. I shouldn’t say I was. I’m good at tantrums. They’ve gotten less and less over the years cause I have tools to better to deal with my anger but I was known as like the door slammer. So if you were gonna take my cookies away… No one wants to do that. There was a lot of like walking on eggshells around me.

So let’s go back to your husband. So do you deny him s@x because you don’t want to get naked? You know, I’m actually okay being naked. Great. I am. But you know why because you’re proud of how you look. Oh, my God. Some people say I hate being fat, I’m so fat and I’m like no, I am body positive. Like it’s okay to be big, you know… I wanna be honest with you about something. Okay. I don’t care what you weigh. I am all for body positive and people feeling amazing in their bodies. What you have to come to terms with is that you are using your weight to punish other people, to dominate other people and to be a big fucking whiny tantrum throwing adult. I can’t believe it. I mean it true, like… I’m shocked. I really am. But it’s true. Are you actually shocked? Meaning, I find it surprising that a therapist would not have, that somebody wouldn’t have pointed this out. But maybe they had. My husband’s been trying to tell me. You think that. I wasn’t listening to him. Like he would.. He’s been trying to tell me this. He’s been living with me. But you’re, if you’re narcissist, you don’t hear it. That’s the thing you don’t understand. You are a power-hungry narcissist who’s using her weight to control everything. You’re right, like that’s true. That is true.

So here’s the question, do you want to lose weight? Or do you want to be fat and not a narcissist? You see what I’m saying? Yeah, cause I was skinny, I was still a narcissist. Like I wasn’t happy. I was still a bitch. Not that I like to call myself that, but I acted like it at times. So do I want to be… What do you wanna be, like what do you want. Like so the first 33 years of your life was, you were a tantrum throwing fat narcissist. I don’t want to be that anymore. I don’t want to be that anymore. I don’t want to be a mean person. Or you’re gonna get a divorce. Narcissists don’t stay married very long. I believe it might…

I don’t think you’ve completed the list. What do you, what you do with your husband to dominate him? Oh criticize. Yeap, when he tries to help what do you do? Shut up. I don’t need your help in a runaway kind of thing. What do you do at your husband’s congregation to be noticed because I bet it just burns you out, that he’s the one that gets all the attention. You just hate that they love him so much. It’s true? Why does that upset you? Cause that’s true. I want to help people, but then like this is been a huge argument in our marriage. My resentment for not being seen or appreciated, or acknowledged. It bothers you, yeah, that he’s the one upfront of that church. Yeah, because I can do it better. Hello, I went to school like he did. We went to bible school together. Like I can preach like you can. Oh, my God, this sounds so bad. It’s the truth. Yeah, it’s true, and he.. This is nothing to do with him. So you know it’s… That, say that. Say it. It’s disgusting. Let’s hear it. So what I did a year ago. This is so crazy. I dyed my hair blue and like purple and mermaid. It was really pretty. No, it wasn’t. Oh, fine. I know. Okay, it wasn’t. After a wash, it looked like shit. Why did you dyed you hair blue? Because I wasn’t getting attention and I got a lot of negative attention from the church after that. Yeah, I got a lot of attention everywhere because of that. In my business that I was in, I wasn’t getting any attention and I was pissed because I’d been with the company for four years. I hadn’t met these big goals and there was like no acknowledgment then I was like pissed. So then I done my hair blue to get, and I got actually some recognition from the company I was with. Because you were working on attention… I wasn’t getting the attention because it had grown, the company had grown so big that you know I was just another number.

But if I really wanted the attention, wouldn’t I work harder to get more recognition? No, it’s easier to throw a tantrum. It’s been what you’ve been doing since you were little. You don’t know how to work hard to get attention. You only know how to throw tantrums to get attention. That would be a true statement. The good news is I think you realize that this is getting to such a serious state with your marriage that the gig is up. And you are starting to realize that you’re single handedly destroying your marriage. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It’s true. And the fact that you are courageous enough and honest enough with yourself to admit that you’re angry about your husband’s success because he’s getting more attention and when they parade out of the congregation and give them the hogs and tell him that was an amazing sermon, and thank you for what you said to my father last week at my mother’s funeral, and what a community builder he is, and how this he is; it just enrages you. It’s okay. It’s ugly. It is ugly.

If you can have a sense of humanity for yourself, like, oh, man, ho;y shit… I’ve been doing this shit since first grade and people let me get away with this? I’m a really good tantrum thrower. Right. You know how that mean? Like if you can kind of have a little… You can laugh at the weight because the weight, that’s not the issue and neither is the sexual abuse. The issue is narcissism, attention seeking and tantrum throwing. That’s why you have no friends. That’s why your marriage is failing. That’s why you’re not happy. It’s okay. It sucks. Dude, I remember when I saw this shit in myself, the worst. I don’t want it anymore. Like I really don’t. I bet you’re exhausted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it’s a lot of work to throw tantrums and to push people out of your life and someone will confront me and then I’m fuck you. And I’m God, like you’re out, like delete from my friend list, see you later. It’s everywhere. Yeah, yeah. It’s everywhere. That sucks. It’s an easy thing to fix. Believe it or not. Okay, I’m good. I wanna…

First I’m curious do you actually wanna lose weight? I need to lose weight. do you want to ask if you knew god, could question, i feel like it doesn’t have to be. No, no, I said do you want to? I didn’t ask if you need to. I don’t want, oh God. That’s a complicated question. I feel like… It doesn’t have to be. Do I wanna lose weight? I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. We’re not gonna talk about your weight because I, unless it’s something that you want to change, you’re not gonna do shit about it. And it’s a waste of our time to discuss your weight. And you see until you deal with this attention seeking and cause I think that it’s true that you’re an emotional eater, but the emotion that triggers you to eat his anger. That would be a fair assessment. That every time you stick food in your mouth, it’s like somebody who is a, you know, a smoker. Every time you shovel in the mac & cheese or the ice cream or the cookies or the mashed potatoes or the sour patch kids or whatever it is that you reach for, it’s a nephew to everybody. It is. That is exactly true.

And so you have one of the greatest sources of power in your life, is over eating and your weight. For sure. And I think it would rock your identity to the core. If you actually lost the weight, and if you got control of your eating. I agree. I absolutely agree. So you know again I’m going to ask you, do you actually want to lose weight. I do. I do. Why? Because I want to leave behind that person. I want to leave that identity of I’m defined by my weight, and the control and I’m tired of doing that. If you want to save your marriage and if you would like friends and if you want to be happy, you have got to lose your weight and you have got to break the habits around eating for power because it is so tightly intertwined with this narcissism. I know in my heart that is true. That, that is here. I’ve never been able to identify that but that is very true. Yeah, so you know I think the massive massive distinction that we’ve gotten to it is that your weight is not the result of pain. It’s the result of power. It’s true, it is true. I promise myself before I came in here that I wasn’t gonna say that’s true to anything that I didn’t feel is true.

So I want you to walk out here and actually have a clear direction about what you’re going to change what you actually want. What business, you are a network marketer, right? Yes, yeah. So what do you sell? I sell ketones. What are ketones? Ketones help your body get into ketosis. So basically my whole business is about living optimally. Why is that funny, Mel? Why do you think it’s funny? Because I’m a fake, I’m a phony. I’m been hypocritical. Like buy this shit from me. I don’t do it. I don’t follow it. I don’t know what the fuck I want. I don’t even drink it every day because I want to be in control. And I told myself it’s because I want, I’m sabotaging my own weight loss. That’s why I’m not drinking it every day. But really it has nothing to do with that. It has to do with the control. But business isn’t about success for you, it’s about narcissism. It’s look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me. And so that’s why you don’t care. Because you don’t care about selling ketones or using them you care about the attention that you either get from the parent company or from the marketing or from your up line or the attention that your downline needs. That’s what it’s about and that’s why you’re not as successful as you wanted to be. And so the secret to fixing your marriage, the secret to having friends, the secret to being happy, the secret to being healthy, the secret to growing your network marketing business is to complete the chapter of your life where you were a raging tantrum throwing narcissist and turn the page and actually live the next chapter as somebody who is connected, somebody who cheers for other people, and somebody who truly does the work to be happy, to be healthy. That the tantrums are in the past.

What are some things that you really want for yourself? I mean you love to sing, is there way to expand that? Could you do the choir director at the church? I could. But you don’t want to? That’s correct because you want to be the center of the attention or because you don’t like the people or why? Because I’ll give an idea and then people will criticize it. They’re not criticizing it. They’re actually having what we call a discussion. I’m in charge. Listen, I’m not in charge, listen. If I’m not in charge then fuck it, I’m not doing it. Alright. Well, you’re gonna be in charge and alone and divorced and fat and unhealthy with no friends. That’s your choice. You’re either in charge of everybody else or you’re in fucking charge of yourself. And putting all of that crap and that narcissism to the side so you can actually get what you want. Look if you’re a happy narcissist, being alone and fucking up your marriage and being a total bitch to everybody you know, go for it. I’m not happy. I’m not happy. Well, then that’s what this battle’s about. It’s not about your weight. I agree. I’m totally agree. I’m mind blown.

Yeah it’s very clear. You either fix this and you get the connection that you want and you build the business that you want and you become the kind of mom that you want and you get healthy or you are going to die alone as a cranky, righteous narcissist. I don’t wanna do that. I want that. I don’t want that anymore. Well, that’s the fight. Okay. Your chapter of the narcissist was in charge. Okay, the narcissist gets defensive when she is asked about her weight, asked about what she ate, asked about exercise or is shown any other form of support or love or curiosity. Okay? You see how that is like the narcissist diet. That’s a book. I don’t wanna wright that book anymore. Honey you already did. Damn it.

Let’s turn the page. What do you want this new chapter to be defined by? The old one was the temper tantrum throwing attention seeking narcissist bitch. That’s my title for your old chapter. What is the new chapter? What do you want? I want to be loving. Great, loving. Like genuine, terrific, and what will your marriage be like? Sweet. You are very sweet when you’re not pissed. That’s how I got him, you know, by the way. It’s also how you keep him, by the way. The hardest thing for narcissist to learn has took me a long time. Do not wait until your 41 figure this out okay. Other people want to be with you when you make them the center of your attention. The second you’ve invert it and you realize that when you focus on the other people, you become the choir director, you become beloved. Because everything you’re doing is elevating everybody else. When you walk into a room and you are not the loudest but you’re cheering the loudest for everybody else, you become loved. When you go to a party and all you do is ask people questions about their lives and you don’t say a single thing about your own, even though when you leave you’re gonna be like those mother fucker’s didn’t asked me anything about, 54321 control, calm, loving, connected. When other people are talking about themselves they think, oh my gosh, just she is just the greatest ever. She’s interested in me. That is the secret, that’s the simple secret to every single human being and when you’re narcissist, you do the exact opposite which is what makes everybody run from you and makes you just angrier. So it’s not gonna feel natural. But trust me when I tell you, if you take all those skills that you have around attention and you use it to deliberately cheer for and elevate others; you will be shocked at how quickly your friends grow, your business grows and your happiness grows. Awesome. It works for everybody and anybody, even the biggest curmudgeon narcissist on the planet. You pay attention and they love you. It’ll work and you can do it.

So name this next chapter. In the new chapter I want to be the sweet, the sweet fairy, sweet Jesse. I love it. I do see you as a fairy, flipping about, spreading magic and joy and elevating other people. So I want you to keep this very simple because the patterns that you’re trying to break have been worn in over 30 years. Okay? And so that’s why I talk about old chapter, new chapter. You’re gonna slip up. You’re gonna step into the old chapter because you’ve lived it for 30 years. The second that you realize, I’m being a narcissist again. No problem, turn the page. We’re sweet, we’re the fairy. I apologize. Lift people up. Be connected. Have some humanity for yourself. Okay? Okay. Change’s simple and it’s even faster when you keep the distinction simple old chapter, new chapter, I slipt. Laugh at yourself, clean up the mess, fly away like a fairy. Okay. I feel light. I feel grateful, calm, yeah. I’m excited to call my husband and thank him for not giving up on me and give him some hope of what I’ve learned and I think that will be provided some relief for him. I’m excited to do that.

I’m so excited for Jesse, too. Weren’t you so moved by her honesty and her vulnerability? One of the things that I love about Jesse is, boy, she took that tough love coaching to heart and she is now kicking ass. I’ve been following her in social media and I’m so proud to tell you that she’s made 180° turn. All she’s doing now is cheering for her husband, her friends, her kids and she’s also become super transparent in her business. So let’s talk about the big themes from this coaching session and what you can do with it. I know we spoke a lot about narcissism. But you don’t have to be a narcissist to apply one of the biggest takeaways from the session and that’s the secret to improving your relationship with anybody. Take the focus off of you and put it on everybody else. How do you do it? Start cheering for people. The second take away from this particular coaching session is that if you have a problem that you have been trying to fix forever and you’re not making any progress, just like Jesse and her weight loss struggle, maybe you don’t have any interest in fixing it at all.

You know I used to do this when I suffered from anxiety. I would use my anxiety as an excuse to not have to do anything that scared me. And I also used it to manipulate my husband. You see when I was anxious, the attention was on me and he was on egg shells and boy oh boy did it work like a charm. So if you’re stock and you can’t make headway, just consider maybe it’s not a problem. Maybe you’re using this as an excuse to not take responsibility. And finally, I think you know by now, my commitment is to try to make change simple and fun and one of the tools that you learned about during the conversation with Jesse is naming the old chapter that you’re stuck in versus the new chapter you want to step into. Now Jesse’s old and new chapters are super clear. In the old chapter, she was the narcissist, in the new chapter she’s light is a fairy. Creating these kind of archetypes of old and new, it makes things super black-and-white. And the more descriptive and fun, you make these descriptions, the easier it is to catch yourself when you slip into the old narcissist and the more fun it becomes to be able to switch into the new you. And that’s just going to help you make change, simple and fun.