فصل 02

Resilience

Barns burnt down / Now I can see the moon.

—Mizuta Masahide

seventeenth-century Japanese poet No matter who we are or where we come from, we all have our own journey. Mine began one April afternoon in 1953, in rural Mississippi, where I was conceived out of wedlock by Vernon Winfrey and Vernita Lee. Their onetime union that day, not at all a romance, brought about an unwanted pregnancy, and my mother concealed her condition until the day I was born—so no one was prepared for my arrival. There were no baby showers, none of the anticipation or delight that I see in the faces of expectant friends who rub their swollen stomachs with reverence. My birth was marked by regret, hiding, and shame.

When the author and counselor John Bradshaw, who pioneered the concept of the inner child, appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show in 1991, he took my audience and me through a profound exercise. He asked us to close our eyes and go back to the home we grew up in, to visualize the house itself. Come closer, he said. Look inside the window and find yourself inside. What do you see? And more important, what do you feel? For me it was an overwhelmingly sad yet powerful exercise. What I felt at almost every stage of my development was lonely. Not alone—because there were always people around—but I knew that my souls survival depended on me. I felt I would have to fend for myself.

As a girl, I used to love when company would come to my grandmothers house after church. When they left, I dreaded being alone with my grandfather, who was senile, and my grandmother, who was often exhausted and impatient. I was the only child for miles around, so I had to learn to be with myself. I invented new ways to be solitary. I had books and homemade dolls and chores and farm animals I often named and talked to. Im sure that all that time alone was critical in defining the adult I would become.

Looking back through John Bradshaws window into my life, I was sad that the people closest to me didnt seem to realize what a sweet-spirited little girl I was. But I also felt strengthened, seeing it for myself.

Like me, you might have experienced things that caused you to deem yourself unworthy. I know for sure that healing the wounds of the past is one of the biggest and most worthwhile challenges of life. Its important to know when and how you were programmed, so you can change the program. And doing so is your responsibility, no one elses. There is one irrefutable law of the universe We are each responsible for our own life.

If youre holding anyone else accountable for your happiness, youre wasting your time. You must be fearless enough to give yourself the love you didnt receive. Begin noticing how every day brings a new opportunity for your growth. How buried disagreements with your mother show up in arguments with your spouse. How unconscious feelings of unworthiness appear in everything you do and dont do. All these experiences are your lifes way of urging you to leave the past behind and make yourself whole. Pay attention. Every choice gives you a chance to pave your own road. Keep moving. Full speed ahead.

Every challenge we take on has the power to knock us to our knees. But whats even more disconcerting than the jolt itself is our fear that we wont withstand it. When we feel the ground beneath us shifting, we panic. We forget everything we know and allow fear to freeze us. Just the thought of what could happen is enough to throw us off balance.

What I know for sure is that the only way to endure the quake is to adjust your stance. You cant avoid the daily tremors. They come with being alive. But I believe these experiences are gifts that force us to step to the right or left in search of a new center of gravity. Dont fight them. Let them help you adjust your footing.

Balance lives in the present. When you feel the earth moving, bring yourself back to the now. Youll handle whatever shake-up the next moment brings when you get to it. In this moment, youre still breathing. In this moment, youve survived. In this moment, youre finding a way to step onto higher ground.

For years, I had a secret that almost no one knew. Even Gayle, who knew everything about me, wasnt aware of it until several years into our friendship. The same is true for Stedman. I hid it until I felt safe enough to share the years I was sexually abused, from age 10 to 14, my resulting promiscuity, and finally, at 14, my becoming pregnant. I was so ashamed, I hid the pregnancy until my doctor noticed my swollen ankles and belly. I gave birth in 1968 the baby died in the hospital weeks later.

I went back to school and told no one. My fear was that if I were found out, I would be expelled. So I carried the secret into my future, always afraid that if anyone discovered what had happened, they, too, would expel me from their lives. Even when I found the courage to publicly reveal the abuse, I still carried the shame and kept the pregnancy a secret.

When a family member who has since died leaked this story to the tabloids, everything changed. I felt devastated. Wounded. Betrayed. How could this person do this to me? I cried and cried. I remember Stedman coming into the bedroom that Sunday afternoon, the room darkened from the closed curtains. Standing before me, looking like he, too, had shed tears, he said, Im so sorry. You dont deserve this.

When I dragged myself from bed for work that Monday morning after the news broke, I felt beaten and scared. I imagined that every person on the street was going to point their finger at me and scream, Pregnant at fourteen, you wicked girl … expelled! No one said a word, though—not strangers, not the people I knew. I was shocked. Nobody treated me differently. For decades, I had been expecting a reaction that never came.

Ive since been betrayed by others—but although its a kick in the gut, it doesnt make me cry or take to my bed anymore. I try never to forget the words of Isaiah 5417 No weapon formed against you shall prosper. Every difficult moment has its silver lining, and I soon realized that having the secret out was liberating. Not until then could I begin repairing the damage done to my spirit as a young girl. I realized that all those years, I had been blaming myself. What I learned for sure was that holding the shame was the greatest burden of all. When you have nothing to be ashamed of, when you know who you are and what you stand for, you stand in wisdom.

Whenever Im faced with a difficult decision, I ask myself What would I do if I werent afraid of making a mistake, feeling rejected, looking foolish, or being alone? I know for sure that when you remove the fear, the answer youve been searching for comes into focus. And as you walk into what you fear, you should know for sure that your deepest struggle can, if youre willing and open, produce your greatest strength.

Have you ever come across an old picture and been instantly transported back in time—to the point where you can feel the clothes you were wearing?

Theres a photo of me at 21 years old that gives me exactly this feeling. The skirt I was wearing cost $40—more than Id ever spent on a single item of clothing—but I was willing to do it for my first major celebrity interview Jesse Jackson. He was speaking at a local high school, telling students, Down with dope, up with hope!—and I had been assigned to cover him. My news director didnt think the event was worth our time, but Id insisted okay, pleaded, assuring him I could come back with a piece worthy of the six oclock news. And I did.

I had a fondness for telling other peoples stories, extracting the truth of their experience and distilling it into wisdom that could inform, inspire, or benefit someone else. Still, I was uncertain about what to say to Jackson, or how to say it.

If I knew then what I know now, I would never have wasted even a single minute doubting my path.

Because when it comes to matters of the heart, emotion, connection, and speaking in front of large audiences, I thrive. Something happens between me and whomever Im engaged with I can feel them and sense that they are vibing right back with me. Thats because I know for sure that anything Ive been through or felt, they have, too, and probably more so. The great connection I feel with everyone I speak to stems from being aware that we are all on the same path, all of us wanting the same things love, joy, and acknowledgment.

No matter what challenge you may be facing, you must remember that while the canvas of your life is painted with daily experiences, behaviors, reactions, and emotions, youre the one controlling the brush. If I had known this at 21, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and self-doubt. It would have been a revelation to understand that we are all the artists of our own lives—and that we can use as many colors and brushstrokes as we like.

I have always prided myself on my independence, my integrity, my support of others. But theres a thin line between pride and ego. And Ive learned that sometimes you have to step out of your ego to recognize the truth. So when life gets difficult, Ive found that the best thing to do is ask myself a simple question What is this here to teach me?

I remember back in 1988, when I first took ownership of the Oprah show, I had to buy a studio and hire all the producers. There were a million things I didnt know. I made a lot of mistakes during those early years including one so big we had a priest come in to cleanse the studio afterward. Fortunately for me, I wasnt so well-known back then. I could learn a lesson, and grow from it, privately.

Today, part of the price of success is that my lessons are public. If I stumble, people know, and some days the pressure of that reality makes me want to scream. But one thing I know for sure I am not a screamer. I can count on one hand the number of times in my life—four—when Ive actually raised my voice at someone.

So when I feel overwhelmed, I usually go to a quiet place. A bathroom stall works wonders. I close my eyes, turn inward, and breathe until I can sense the still, small space inside me that is the same as the stillness in you, and in the trees, and in all things. I breathe until I can feel this space expand and fill me. And I always end up doing the exact opposite of screaming I smile at the wonder of it all.

I mean, how amazing is it that I, a woman born and raised in Mississippi when it was an apartheid state, who grew up having to go into town even to watch TV—we certainly didnt have one at home—am where I am today?

Wherever you are in your journey, I hope you, too, will keep encountering challenges. It is a blessing to be able to survive them, to be able to keep putting one foot in front of the other—to be in a position to make the climb up lifes mountain, knowing that the summit still lies ahead. And every experience is a valuable teacher.

We all have stand-down moments that require us to stand up, in the center of ourselves, and know who we are. When your marriage falls apart, when a job that defined you is gone, when the people youd counted on turn their backs on you, theres no question that changing the way you think about your situation is the key to improving it. I know for sure that all of our hurdles have meaning. And being open to learning from those challenges is the difference between succeeding and getting stuck.

As I get older, I can feel my body making a shift. No matter how I try, I cant run as fast as I could before, but to tell you the truth, I dont really care to. Everythings shifting breasts and knees and attitude. I marvel at my own sense of calm now. Events that used to leave me reeling, with my head in a bag of chips, no longer even faze me. Even better, Im privy to insights about myself that only a lifetime of learning can bring.

Ive said that I always knew I was exactly where I was meant to be when I was standing on the stage talking to viewers around the world. That was truly my sweet spot. But the universe is full of surprises. Because Im learning that where sweet spots are concerned, were not limited to just one. At different times in our journeys, if were paying attention, we get to sing the song were meant to sing in the perfect key of life. Everything weve ever done and all were meant to do comes together in harmony with who we are. When that happens, we feel the truest expression of ourselves.

I feel myself heading there now, and its my wish for you, too.

One of my greatest lessons has been to fully understand that what looks like a dark patch in the quest for success is the universe pointing you in a new direction. Anything can be a miracle, a blessing, an opportunity if you choose to see it that way. Had I not been demoted from my six oclock anchor post in Baltimore back in 1977, the talk show gig would never have happened when it did.

When you can see obstacles for what they are, you never lose faith in the path it takes to get you where you want to go. Because this I know for sure Who youre meant to be evolves from where you are right now. So learning to appreciate your lessons, mistakes, and setbacks as stepping-stones to the future is a clear sign youre moving in the right direction.

During difficult times I often turn to a gospel song called Stand. In it, songwriter Donnie McClurkin sings, What do you do when youve done all you can, and it seems like its never enough? What do you give when youve given your all, and it seems like you cant make it through? The answer lies in McClurkins simple refrain You just stand.

Thats where strength comes from—our ability to face resistance and walk through it. Its not that people who persevere dont ever feel doubt, fear, and exhaustion. They do. But in the toughest moments, we can have faith that if we take just one step more than we feel were capable of, if we draw on the incredible resolve every human being possesses, well learn some of the most profound lessons life has to offer.

What I know for sure is that there is no strength without challenge, adversity, resistance, and often pain. The problems that make you want to throw up your hands and holler Mercy! will build your tenacity, courage, discipline, and determination.

Ive learned to rely on the strength I inherited from all those who came before me—the grandmothers, sisters, aunts, and brothers who were tested with unimaginable hardships and still survived. I go forth alone, and stand as ten thousand, Maya Angelou proclaimed in her poem Our Grandmothers. When I move through the world, I bring all my history with me—all the people who paved the way for me are part of who I am.

Think back for a moment on your own history—not just where you were born or where you grew up, but the circumstances that contributed to your being right here, right now. What were the moments along the way that wounded or scared you? Chances are, youve had a few. But heres whats remarkable You are still here, still standing.