فصل 05

Possibility

Soar, eat ether, see what has never been seen depart, be lost, but climb.

—Edna St. Vincent Millay How can I realize my potential more fully? Thats a question I still ask myself, especially when contemplating whats next in my life.

In every job Ive taken and every city in which Ive lived, I have known that its time to move on when Ive grown as much as I can. Sometimes moving on terrified me. But always it taught me that the true meaning of courage is to be afraid, and then, with your knees knocking, to step out anyway. Making a bold move is the only way to advance toward the grandest vision the universe has for you. If you allow it, fear will completely immobilize you. And once it has you in its grip, it will fight to keep you from ever becoming your best self.

What I know for sure is this Whatever you fear most has no power—it is your fear that has the power. The thing itself cannot touch you. But your fear can rob you of your life. Each time you give in to it, you lose strength, while your fear gains it. Thats why you must decide that no matter how difficult the path ahead seems, you will push past your anxiety and keep on stepping.

A few years ago, I was writing this question in my journal every day What am I afraid of? Over time I realized that while I had often seemed brave on the outside, I had lived much of my inner life in bondage. I was afraid that others wouldnt like me. I was terrified that if I said no to people, they would reject me. Everything I did, thought, felt, said, or even ate was connected to the fear I carried around with me—and I allowed it to block me from ever knowing who I really was.

Dr. Phil often says you cant change what you dont acknowledge. Before I could challenge my fear and begin changing what I believed about myself, I had to admit that, yes, I had always been afraid—and that my fear was a form of slavery. Author Neale Donald Walsch says, So long as youre still worried about what others think of you, you are owned by them. Only when you require no approval from outside yourself can you own yourself.

Its true that when you summon the courage to cast a vote for yourself, when you dare to step out, speak up, change yourself, or even simply do something outside of what others call the norm, the results may not always be pleasant. You can expect obstacles. Youll fall down. Others may call you nutty. At times it may feel like the whole world is rising up to tell you who you cannot become and what you cannot do. It can upset people when you exceed the limited expectations theyve always had for you. And in moments of weakness, your fear and self-doubt may cause you to falter. You may be so exhausted that you want to quit. But the alternatives are even worse You might find yourself stuck in a miserable rut for years at a time. Or you could spend too many days languishing in regret, always wondering, What would my life have been like if I hadnt cared so much about what people thought?

And what if you decided right now that you will stop letting fear block you? What if you learned to live with it, to ride its wave to heights you never knew were possible? You might discover the joy of tuning out what everybody wants for you and finally pay attention to what you need. And learn that, ultimately, you have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself. That is what it truly means to live without fear—and to keep reaching for your best life.

The true measure of your courage is not whether you reach your goal—its whether you decide to get back on your feet no matter how many times youve failed. I know its not easy, but I also know for sure that having the courage to stand up and pursue your wildest dreams will give you lifes richest reward and lifes greatest adventure. And whats really wild? Right now, no matter where you are, you are a single choice away from a new beginning.

One of my defining moments came in the third grade—the day a book report Id turned in earned my teachers praise and made my classmates grudgingly whisper, She thinks shes so smart. For too many years after that, my biggest fear was that others would see me as arrogant. In some ways, even my weight was my apology to the world—my way of saying, See, I really dont think Im better than you. The last thing I wanted was for my actions to make me appear full of myself.

Beginning when we are girls, most of us are taught to deflect praise. We apologize for our accomplishments. We try to level the field with our family and friends by downplaying our brilliance. We settle for the passengers seat when we long to drive. Thats why so many of us have been willing to hide our light as adults. Instead of being filled with all the passion and purpose that enable us to offer our best to the world, we empty ourselves in an effort to silence our critics.

The truth is that the naysayers in your life can never be fully satisfied. Whether you hide or shine, theyll always feel threatened because they dont believe they are enough. So stop paying attention to them. Every time you suppress some part of yourself or allow others to play you small, you are ignoring the owners manual your Creator gave you. What I know for sure is this You are built not to shrink down to less but to blossom into more. To be more splendid. To be more extraordinary. To use every moment to fill yourself up.

In 1989 I read this passage in Gary Zukavs The Seat of the Soul

Every action, thought, and feeling is motivated by an intention, and that intention is a cause that exists as one with an effect. If we participate in the cause, it is not possible for us not to participate in the effect. In this most profound way, we are held responsible for our every action, thought, and feeling, which is to say, for our every intention.… It is, therefore, wise for us to become aware of the many intentions that inform our experience, to sort out which intentions produce which effects, and to choose our intentions according to the effects that we desire to produce.

That was a life-changing paragraph for me. I had recognized for a long time that I was responsible for my life, that every choice produced a consequence. But often the consequences seemed so out of line with my expectations. Thats because I was expecting one thing but intending another. My intention of always trying to please other people, for example, produced an unwanted consequence I often felt taken advantage of and used, and people came to expect more, more, more from me.

But the principle of intention helped me realize that other people werent the problem—I was. I decided to do only those things that came from the truth of who I am—and doing only that which pleased me to do for others.

What I know for sure is that whatever your situation is right now, you have played a major role in creating it. With every experience, you build your life, thought by thought, choice by choice. And beneath each of those thoughts and choices lies your deepest intention. Thats why, before I make any decision, I ask myself one critical question What is my real intention?

Since reading that passage in The Seat of the Soul, I have seen time and again how knowing the answer to that question can be your guiding force. The reverse is also true. When you dont examine your intention, you often end up with consequences that block your progress. Over the years I have witnessed far too many couples who stayed married when they shouldnt have, simply because their intention was just that—to be married, rather than to be fulfilled. And in the end, each of those couples had a relationship in which there was no regard for intimacy, growth, or building a strong life.

If youre feeling stuck in your life and want to move forward, start by examining your past motivations. Look closely—Ive learned that my truest intentions are often hiding in the shadows. Ask yourself How have my intentions produced the experiences Im having now? And if I change my intentions, what different consequences will I create? As you make choices that honor who you are, youll get exactly what life intended for you—the chance to reach your greatest potential.

Ive always had a great relationship with money, even when I barely had any to relate to. I never feared not having it and never obsessed about what I had. Like most people, I can remember every salary I ever made. I suppose we remember because a salary helps define the value of our service—and, unfortunately for some people, the value they place on themselves.

I first realized I was not my salary when I was 15 and making 50 cents an hour babysitting Mrs. Ashberrys rowdy kids, and cleaning up after she pulled nearly every outfit from her closet every time she got dressed. Her bedroom always looked like the end-of-the-day, last-call sale at Macys, with shoes and brightly colored necklaces and dresses everywhere. Just before flitting out the door without leaving any info as to where she was going or how she could be reached, shed say, Oh, by the way, dear, would you mind tidying things up a bit? Well, yes, of course I did mind, and the first time I tidied up, I did such a great job, I thought surely shed pay me extra when she saw how I cleaned not only her room but the kids rooms, too. She never did. So I moved on and found a job that would pay me more—a job where I thought my efforts would be appreciated.

There was a five-and-dime not far from my fathers store, and I got hired there for $1.50 an hour. My job was to keep things straight, stock shelves, fold socks. I wasnt allowed to work the cash register or speak to customers. I hated it. Two hours in, I found myself counting the minutes to lunch, then to quitting time. Even at 15 I knew in my soul this was no way to live, or make money. I was bored beyond anything Ive ever felt before or since. So after three days, I quit and went to work in my fathers store—for no salary. I didnt like working there, either, but at least I could talk to people and not feel like my spirit was being drained by the hour. Still, I knew that no matter how much my father wanted it to be, that store would not be a part of my future life.

By the time I was 17, I was working in radio, making $100 a week. And thats when I made my peace with money. I decided that no matter what job I ever did, I wanted that same feeling I got when I first started in radio—the feeling of I love this so much, even if you didnt pay me Id show up every day, on time and happy to be here. I recognized then what I know now for sure If you can get paid for doing what you love, every paycheck is a bonus. Give yourself the bonus of a lifetime Pursue your passion. Discover what you love. Then do it!

Ive never been a white-water-raftin, bungee-jumpin kind of girl—thats not how I define adventure. What I know for sure is this The most important adventure of our lives doesnt have to involve climbing the highest peak or trekking around the world. The biggest thrill you can ever achieve is to live the life of your dreams.

Maybe youre like so many women Ive talked to over the years who have suspended their deepest desires in order to accommodate everything and everyone else. You ignore the nudge—that whisper that often comes in the form of emptiness or restlessness—to finally get on with what you know you should be doing. I understand how easy it is to rationalize Your mate and your children need you the job that you admit makes you miserable demands so much of your time. But what happens when you work hard at something unfulfilling? It drains your spirit. It robs you of your life force. You end up depleted, depressed, and angry.

You dont have to waste another day on that road. You can begin again. Starting over begins with looking inward. It means ridding yourself of distractions and paying attention to that inkling youve been ignoring. Ive learned that the more stressful and chaotic things are on the outside, the calmer you need to get on the inside. Its the only way you can connect with where your spirit is leading you.

Many years ago, as a young television reporter at WJZ in Baltimore, I was given what was considered a plum assignment. I was sent to Los Angeles to interview a few television stars.

At first I was thrilled. Here was a chance to prove myself a good interviewer—alone, without the help of my usual co-anchor—and to add some celebrity cachet to my career experience. But by the time I arrived in California, I felt like a small fish dropped into the Hollywood fishbowl. I started to doubt myself Who was I to think I could just walk into their world and expect them to talk to me? Reporters from all over the country had been invited. There were throngs of us local newscasters, entertainment/lifestyle reporters, each given five minutes to interview an actor from the TV seasons upcoming lineup. I started to feel nervous. Uncomfortable. Inept. Not good enough to be there with all those other reporters from much bigger cities with more experience than I.

To make matters worse, a representative for Priscilla Presley, who was there for a new show she was hosting, told me—as I was eleventh in line to talk to her—You can ask her anything, but whatever you do, dont mention Elvis. Shell walk out on you. So now I wasnt just intimidated by this new world of stars and their handlers—I was feeling completely inhibited.

Id been a TV reporter since I was 19. Id interviewed hundreds of people in difficult situations and prided myself on being able to break the ice and establish rapport. But I wasnt accustomed to real stars. I thought they had some mystique, that being famous made them not only different but also better than us regular folk. And I was having difficulty figuring out how Id pull that off in a five-minute time frame with the most real questions being off-limits.

For some reason—you might call it a coincidence I call it grace in action—I was switched from the Priscilla Presley line to interview a young comedian who was starting a new show called Mork & Mindy. What followed were five of the most exhilarating, wild, off-the-charts minutes Id ever spent in an interview, with the most uninhibited, out-of-the-box, free-falling-in-every-second celebrity/human Id ever met.

I dont remember a word I said but I know I hardly said any. He was a geyser of energy. I remember thinking, Whoever this guy is, he is going to be BIG. He wasnt afraid to be his many selves. I had great fun playing with Robin Williams, and I learned in that instant to go where the interview takes you. He was all over the place, and I had to flow with it.

So when my turn came to talk to Miss Priscilla, I for sure had received the lesson You cant accomplish anything worthwhile if you inhibit yourself.

I asked about Elvis. She didnt walk out. In fact, she obliged me with an answer.

If life teaches you nothing else, know this When you get the chance, go for it.

My biggest mistakes in life have all stemmed from giving my power to someone else—believing that the love others had to offer was more important than the love I had to give to myself. I remember being 29 and in a relationship based on lies and deceit, down on my knees crying after Mr. Man, once again, brought me low. I had been waiting for him all evening—he stood me up, arriving hours after our date, and I had dared to ask why. I remember him standing in the doorway and hurling these words at me The problem with you, baby doll, is that you think youre special. At which point he turned on his heels and slammed the door in my face.

I had grown up watching my cousin Alice be physically abused by her boyfriend, and I had vowed I would never take such treatment. But sitting there on the bathroom floor after he walked out, I saw with great clarity that the only difference between Alice and me was that I hadnt been hit. Mr. Man was wrong I did not think I was special—and that was the problem. Why was I allowing myself to be treated this way?

Even with these insights it took me another year to end the relationship. I kept hoping and praying things would get better, that he would change. He never did. I started praying for the strength to end it. Id pray and wait to feel better. And wait. And wait. All the while repeating my same old patterns.

Until one day I got it. While I was waiting on God, God was waiting on me. He was waiting on me to make a decision to either pursue the life that was meant for me or to be stifled by the one I was living. I recognized the truth that I am all right just as I am. I am enough all by myself.

That revelation brought its own miracle. Around that time the call came for me to audition for a talk show in Chicago. If Id stayed entangled in that relationship, my life as I know it would never have happened.

What is the truth of your life? Its your duty to know.

In order to find out, know that the truth is that which feels right and good and loving. Love doesnt hurt, Ive learned in the years since I was 29. It feels really good. Its that which allows you to live every day with integrity.

Everything you do and say shows the world who you are. Let it be the truth.

Ill never forget the moment when I decided to always choose myself. I recall what I was wearing a blue turtleneck and black slacks, where I was sitting in my bosss office, what the chair looked and felt like brown paisley, too deep and overstuffed—when my boss, the general manager at the Baltimore TV station where I worked, said, Theres no way you can make it in Chicago. Youre walking into a land mine and you cant even see it. Youre committing career suicide.

He used every tactic he could muster to entice me to stay—more money, a company car, a new apartment, and finally, intimidation Youre going to fail.

I didnt know if he was right. I didnt have the confidence to believe I could succeed. But somehow I gathered the nerve to say to him before standing up and walking out, Youre right, I may not make it and I may be walking into land mines. But if they dont kill me, at least Ill keep growing.

In that moment, I chose happiness—the lasting happiness that abides with me every day because I decided not to be afraid and to move forward.

Staying in Baltimore would have been the safe thing to do. But sitting in my bosss office, I knew that if I let him talk me into staying, it would affect the way I felt about myself forever. I would always wonder what could have been. That one choice changed the trajectory of my life.

I live in a state of exhilarated contentment my definition of happiness, fueled by a passion for everything Im committed to my work, my colleagues, my home, my gratitude for every breath taken in freedom and peace. And what makes it sweeter is knowing for sure that I created this happiness. It was my choice.

Time is fleeting. Those of you with children are ever cognizant of this fact—because your children keep growing out of and into themselves. The goal for all of us is to keep growing out of ourselves, too, evolving to our best possible lives.

Somewhere deep within me, even when I was a teenager, I always sensed that something bigger was in store for me—but it was never about attaining wealth or celebrity. It was about the process of continually seeking to be better, to challenge myself to pursue excellence on every level.

What I know for sure Only when you make that process your goal can your dream life follow. That doesnt mean your process will lead you to wealth or fame—in fact, your dream may have nothing to do with tangible prosperity and everything to do with creating a life filled with joy, one with no regrets and a clear conscience. Ive learned that, yes, wealth is a tool that gives you choices—but it cant compensate for a life not fully lived, and it certainly cant create a sense of peace within you. The whole point of being alive is to become the person you were intended to be, to grow out of and into yourself again and again.

I believe you can do this only when you stop long enough to hear the whisper you might have drowned out, that small voice compelling you toward your calling. And what happens then? You face the biggest challenge of all to have the courage to seek your dream regardless of what anyone else says or thinks. You are the only person alive who can see your big picture—and even you cant see it all. The truth is that as much as you plan and dream and move forward in your life, you must remember you are always acting in conjunction with the flow and energy of the universe.

Move in the direction of your goal with all the force and verve you can muster—and then let go, releasing your plan to the Power thats bigger than yourself and allowing your dream to unfold as its own masterpiece. Dream big—very big. Work hard—very hard. And after youve done all you can, fully surrender to the Power.