فصل 13

FINCH

Day 13

I throw rocks at her window but she doesn’t come down. I think about ringing the doorbell, but that would only wake the parents. I try waiting her out, but the curtain doesn’t move, and the door doesn’t open, and it is really fucking cold, so finally I climb into Little Bastard and go home.

I’m up the rest of the night making a list called “How to Stay Awake.” There’s the obvious—Red Bull, caffeine, NoDoz and other drugs—but this isn’t about skipping a couple hours’ sleep, it’s about staying up and staying here for the long haul.

1. Run.

2. Write (this includes any thoughts I don’t want to have—write them out fast so they’re out of me and on the paper).

3. Along those lines, accept any and all thoughts (don’t be afraid of them no matter what they are).

4. Surround myself with water.

5. Plan.

6. Drive anywhere and everywhere, even when there’s nowhere to go. (Note: There’s always somewhere to go.)

7. Play guitar.

8. Organize room, notes, thoughts. (This is different from planning.)

9. Do whatever it takes to remind myself that I’m still here and have a say.

10. Violet.