فصل 43

FINCH

Day 75

“The cadence of suffering has begun.”—Cesare Pavese

I

am

in

pieces.

VIOLET

March 20

After U.S. Geography, Amanda tells Roamer to go on ahead and she’ll catch up. I haven’t spoken a word to him since Finch got expelled. “I need to tell you something,” she says to me.

“What?” I haven’t said much to her either.

“You can’t tell anyone.”

“Amanda, I’m going to be late for class.”

“Promise first.”

“Fine, I promise.”

She’s talking so low I almost can’t hear her. “I saw Finch at this group I go to. I’ve been going a while, even though I don’t really need to, but my mom is, like, making me.” She sighs.

“What’s the group?”

“It’s called Life Is Life. It’s this—it’s a support group for teenagers who’ve either thought about suicide or tried it.”

“And you saw Finch there? When?”

“Sunday. He said he was there because he swallowed a bunch of pills and had to go to the hospital. I thought you should know.”

I stay through last period, only because I have a test. Afterward, I grab Leroy and ride directly to Finch’s house. He doesn’t know I’m coming, and when I get there, no one answers the door. I find some pebbles in the driveway and throw them at his window, and with every ping ping against the glass, my heart jumps. Then I sit down on the front step, hoping his mom or his sisters will appear and let me in. I’m still sitting there twenty minutes later, the house as closed up and silent as when I arrived, and finally I head home.

In my room, I don’t even bother taking off my coat and scarf. I open my laptop and send Finch a Facebook message. He answers right away, like he’s been waiting. So tomorrow’s my birthday.…

I want to ask where he was and was he there the whole time and did he know that I was outside his house. I want to ask about the hospital, but I’m worried if I ask anything he’ll go quiet and disappear, so instead I write: How should we celebrate?

Finch: It’s a surprise.

Me: But it’s your birthday, not mine.

Finch: Doesn’t matter. Come over at six. Be hungry.