فصل 9

CHAPTER 9

LETTING YOUR OWN LIGHT SHINE

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure,“ says Marianne Williamson in A Return to Love. ”It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. You were born to manifest the glory of God that is within you. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” This chapter will show you how to let your entire light shine, how to embrace in yourself all the grace and magnificence you see in others. This means owning and embracing not just your dark shadow but your light shadow, too, everything positive that you’ve denied and projected onto others.

We live in a new age. It’s a time of opening up and of healing and growth. It’s not passive but it requires surrender—surrender of our egos and our old patterns. As Charles Dubois once said, “The important thing is to be able at any moment to sacrifice what you are for what you could become.” The only thing that stops us from being our whole, authentic selves is fear. Our fear tells us that we can’t fulfill our dreams. Our fear tells us not to take risks. It stops us from enjoying our richest treasures. Our fear keeps us living in the middle of the spectrum instead of embracing the full range. Fear keeps us numb. It blocks us from the exuberance and excitement of life. Fearful, we create situations in our lives to prove to ourselves that our self-imposed limitations are appropriate. To overcome our fear, we have to face it and replace it with love. Then we can embrace it. And once we can embrace our fear, we can choose not to be afraid anymore. Love allows us to cut that cord.

We fear our own magnitude because it challenges our core beliefs. It contradicts everything we’ve been told. Some of us recognize many of our gifts while others can see only a few, but it’s rare that I meet someone who’s comfortable with the full brilliance of their light. Everyone has different positive traits that he or she has difficulty embracing. Since most of us were told not to be cocky or conceited, we’ve buried some of our most precious gifts. These traits became our light shadow. We carry our light shadow around in the same bag with our dark shadow.

It’s just as difficult to take back all the light aspects of ourselves as it is the dark ones. When I was in a drug detox center a woman came in to give a lecture to a group of us. She began by telling us that she’d graduated from college at the top of her class. She had been married for thirteen years and had a fabulous relationship with her husband. She was a great mother and an excellent communicator. As she continued to tell us about all the things that she did well, I thought, “What a conceited bitch. Who does she think she is? Why do we have to listen to her?” Then she stopped, looked each of us in the eye, and said, “I came here to talk to you about self-love. About the importance of acknowledging all your good qualities and being able to share them with the people in your life.” She explained that in order to love ourselves, we had to be willing to let our own light shine brightly. We had to acknowledge ourselves every day for all the good we’ve done. We had to take inventory of our lives and applaud our accomplishments. And when we let our light shine, we’d demonstrate to others that it was okay for them to shine too.

I sat in my chair in a state of shock. I sometimes bragged about my talents, but I never believed it was okay to appreciate and honor myself. My bragging came from insecurity, from my never really feeling good enough. The paradox of the situation was that, according to the lecturer, I didn’t feel good about myself because I wasn’t willing to own my God-given gifts. I wasn’t willing to appreciate my talents. For some reason, I had always believed that downplaying the best parts of myself made me a better person.

That afternoon I learned one of the most valuable lessons of my life: not only is it okay to say nice things about ourselves, it’s imperative. We must recognize our gifts and our talents. We must learn to appreciate and honor all that we do well. We must search out our uniqueness. Many people cannot own their success, happiness, health, beauty, and divinity. They are afraid to see that they are powerful, successful, sexy, and creative. Their fear keeps them from exploring these parts of themselves. But in order to authentically love ourselves we have to embrace all of who we are, not just the dark but the light as well. And learning to recognize our own talents allows us to appreciate and love everyone else’s unique gifts.

Take a moment to quiet your mind. Take several slow, deep breaths and slowly read through the list below. After looking at every word, say to yourself, “I am __,” for every one. For example: I am healthy; I am beautiful; I am brilliant; I am talented; I am rich. Write down any word that you’re uncomfortable with, on a sheet of paper. Include words that represent things that you admire in someone else but don’t embrace in yourself.

Satisfied, secure, loved, inspiring, sensual, radiant, delicious, passionate, cheerful, joyful, sexy, forgiving, alive, fulfilled, energetic, confident, flexible, accepting, whole, healthy, talented, capable, wise, honored, holy, empowering, embracing, divine, powerful, free, funny, knowledgeable, affluent, enlightened, realized, balanced, brilliant, successful, worthy, open, compassionate, strong, creative, peaceful, fair, famous, disciplined, responsible, happy, pretty, desirable, blissful, enthusiastic, courageous, precious, fortunate, mature, artistic, vulnerable, radiant, conscious, faithful, magnificent, cosmic, attractive, complete, centered, cherished, romantic, warm-hearted, lucky, assertive, thankful, gentle, quiet, full, soft, wanted, extravagant, decisive, juicy, tender, willing, timely, irresistible, generous, beautiful, calm, carefree, easy going, patient, non-judgmental, cool, thoughtful, spiritual, loyal, connected, articulate, spontaneous, organized, reasonable, humorous, acknowledged, content, adored, playful, clean, fruitful, punctual, fun, understanding, self-assured, dedicated, optimistic, forward, intelligent, credible, active, glamorous, fearless, vivacious, warm, focused, innovative, nurturing, superstar, wonderful, leader, solid, champion, rich, choice-maker, simple, genuine, giving, assertive, adorned, prolific, productive, bold, sensitive You possess all these qualities. All you have to do to manifest them is unconceal, own, and embrace each one. If you can see where in your life you have expressed a certain trait, or in what situations you can imagine yourself expressing a trait, you can own it. You must be willing to say, “I am that.” The next step is to find the gift in that trait. Unlike our dark shadow, the gift is often obvious. But many of us have to face our own fear and resistance. Many of us have developed sophisticated defense mechanisms to reinforce our belief that we’re not as talented or creative as someone else. And it’s vitally important to be just as committed to embracing the positive as the negative.

It may be particularly tough to embrace certain traits that contradict external reality. It’s difficult to embrace the word “rich” if you’re out of work and in debt. In a case like this it’s important to be able to imagine circumstances where you could become rich. A new job or career. If you cannot embrace a given word it’s unlikely you will manifest the experience. When you look in the mirror and see an overweight person this can complicate things when the word you cannot embrace is “skinny.” But if you don’t own the skinny person within yourself, he or she will never be able to come out. If you’re single and want to be married, you’ll have to embrace your married aspect. For each of us, the things we resist will differ. Some of them will have lots of evidence to support your belief that they don’t belong to you, but we can each find these aspects within us when we search with commitment.

Marlene was a woman in her early forties who attended my course. She was physically beautiful, but looked rather tired and sad. I went through the list of positive traits with the group and asked everyone to write down the words they couldn’t embrace. Marlene had about twenty. We began with the same exercise we used for the negative traits, except this time Marlene sat in a chair while two people sat directly in front of her. Marlene began by saying, “I am successful” and the two other people mirrored back the word, saying, “You are successful.” During this exercise I watched Marlene own several traits. Then I looked at her list and told her to own the words “sexy” and “desirable.” Marlene paused and shook her head. She said there wasn’t a chance she could embrace those words. It turned out that Marlene was desperately trying to heal her relationship with her husband. Several months earlier she had discovered that he was having an affair and she was feeling very undesirable. When she finally started working on “sexy,” at first she could hardly utter the word. Then, after a little coercing, she said, “I am sexy,” but without any emotion. For about ten minutes she was just going through the motions. Marlene was sure sexy was not part of who she was, because she believed that if she were sexy, her husband wouldn’t have cheated on her.

Marlene was doing this exercise with two women partners. I decided to ask a very attractive young man to change places with them. Marlene got very nervous when I told her that Tom was going to be her partner. When he pulled his chair up in front of Marlene and said, “You’re sexy,” she just sat there staring at him. Kneeling next to Marlene, I urged her to repeat the words back to Tom. With tears running down her face, Marlene finally said, “I am sexy.” Tom looked Marlene right in the eye and said, “Yes, you are sexy.” Marlene once again uttered, “I am sexy.” They continued back and forth twenty times until Marlene could finally say, “I am sexy,” without cringing or crying.

I then asked Tom to help Marlene embrace the word “desirable.” Tom once again leaned forward in his chair and with utter certainty said, “Marlene, you are desirable.” Marlene instantly started crying uncontrollably. No one, herself included, had told her that she was desirable for years. We worked with Marlene until she was ready to say “I am desirable.” It started out as a mere whisper. Tom grabbed her hands, saying again, “You are desirable.” Marlene joined in, repeating the words, “I am desirable,” all the time feeling deep sadness about her relationship with her husband.

It took Marlene almost a half an hour before she could deal with the word desirable, but once she had said it out loud enough times she was able to evoke the memory of a time when she felt desirable. I could see in her face the moment she remembered that part of herself. Something lit up and reconnected her with that sacred part of her being. When she finally got it I asked her to stand up and scream, “I am desirable!” Marlene did it with joy in her eyes, and everyone applauded. We’d all been through an amazing process. It felt like we had given birth to a new person.

Feeling the pain of embracing certain things you’ve denied is essential to this process. Not all disowned aspects evoke such strong emotions, but when you find one that does, stay with it until you break the hold it has over you. The act of repeating a word over and over to yourself may bring a variety of responses. You might feel anger, resignation, fear, shame, guilt, joy, excitement, or any number of emotions. There is no right way to feel. But the important thing is to stay with it. No matter what you feel, don’t run away, because by committing to the process of taking back the disowned parts of yourself, you’re telling the universe you’re ready to be whole.

Owning a positive trait that you’ve previously denied is scary, because it requires you to leave all your stories and excuses behind. You have to let go of all the reasons why you haven’t gotten everything you’ve wanted in life. There was a woman named Patty in one of my courses who was unable to own “successful.” She’d spent her entire adult life taking care of her husband and children. As a little girl, she’d been told to forget about her dream of playing the cello professionally. She was taught that a good woman got married and had children. Once or twice she’d mentioned to her husband that she would like to take cello lessons, but he’d always replied that it was a waste of money. Patty was now nearly sixty years old, with grown-up children on their own. And when she wrote down the names of people she admired, they were all successful women in the arts. When it was Patty’s turn to do the mirroring exercise, she couldn’t say, “I am successful.” She was somewhere between laughing and crying.

Patty had decided that success meant having a career. But when I asked Patty if she had been a successful mother, she said yes, all her children were doing well. Then I asked if she had a successful marriage and Patty smiled, answering yes, she’d been married more than thirty years. I asked Patty if she had ever made a successful meal and she laughed and said she was a pretty good cook. Slowly, Patty began to see she was successful. It took Patty nearly twenty minutes to say the word, but eventually she owned it. She left the course walking tall. Ten months later I got a letter from Patty saying she’d started playing the cello again at a little theater near her home when they needed her. She said that having embraced her success she now felt confident enough to manifest more of her desires.

We are taught not to acknowledge our greatness. Most of us believe we possess some positive traits but not others. But we are all things: those that make us laugh as well as those that make us cry. We are every beautiful and ugly trait rolled into one. It is time to manifest all of your qualities. When you can own your entire list you will truly be in the presence of God.

Harry was a seventy-five-year-old man who had been in a recovery program for codependency for almost ten years. He came with his wife to my course to see if he could heal their troubled relationship. The moment I met Harry he told me how emotionally sick he was. He had been in a twelve-step program so he was comfortable affirming his unhealthy emotional state. We began owning positive traits and when I saw Harry’s list there were two words that were missing: healthy and whole. Harry didn’t believe it was possible for him to be emotionally healthy. So I gave him an exercise. For the rest of the day every time he wanted to say he was sick he had to say he was healthy and whole.

I could tell Harry was having trouble digesting these qualities. In the middle of the day, when we began mirroring positive traits, Harry, with deep resignation, started to say, “I am healthy.” He was able to embrace that word and move on to, “I am whole.” We were all moved by Harry’s courage and determination. He told us during the middle of the exercise that he finally got it, and that this was the first time he ever remembered embracing the healthy, whole part of himself. The day continued to open up for Harry when we did a forgiveness exercise with the group. After owning all his positive and negative qualities, Harry was able to unplug from the negative projections he had made on his wife. This allowed Harry to see Charlotte as a strong, beautiful, loving woman who cared for him deeply, instead of an unhealthy woman in a codependent relationship. Harry and Charlotte then were able to do the exercise together, and they had a tremendous healing. They both expressed a great deal that they’d been withholding. By embracing their own light they were able to embrace each other’s.

Soon after the seminar, Harry had a stroke and died. His wife called to thank me for my work with her husband. Charlotte told me that a profound healing had taken place within Harry when he embraced all of himself. He had allowed his marriage to be strong and exciting for the first time in years. Charlotte also said that Harry knew he was going to die, and from reading the journal Harry had kept during the course, she knew that he died at peace, loving and accepting his total self. He saw divinity not just in himself but in his wife. Charlotte wept tears of joy that they had the opportunity to experience each other’s beauty before Harry left this earth.

Once we take back our positive projections we experience inner peace—the deep peace that lets us know we are perfect exactly the way we are. Peace comes when we stop pretending to be something other than our true selves. Many of us don’t even realize we are pretending to be lesser people than we really are. Somehow we have convinced ourselves that who we are is not enough. Allow the world within to manifest itself and it will show you the road to freedom—freedom to be sexy, desirable, talented, healthy, and successful.

When you don’t recognize your full potential you don’t allow the universe to give you your divine gifts. Your soul yearns to realize its full potential. Only you can allow this to happen. You can choose to open your heart and embrace all of yourself, or you can choose to live with the illusion of who you are today. And forgiveness is the most important step on this path to self-love. We must see ourselves with the innocence of a child, and accept our misdeeds and misgivings with love and compassion. We have to set aside our harsh judgments and come to terms with the mistakes we’ve made. We must know that we’re worthy of forgiveness. This divine gift teaches us that part of being human is making mistakes. Forgiveness comes from the heart, not the ego. Forgiveness is a choice. At any moment in time we can give up our resentments and judgments and choose to forgive ourselves and others. When we take back all our projections and find our gifts, we’re able to find compassion for ourselves. It then becomes natural to have compassion for those whom we have resented. When we see in ourselves what we’ve hated in others, we can take responsibility for what exists between ourselves and them.

Rilke wrote that “perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once, beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something that needs our love.” Love which does not include total acceptance of you is incomplete. Most of us are trained to look outside ourselves for the love we need. But when we let go of our need for love from the external world the only way to comfort ourselves is to go within, to find what we strive to get from others and give it to ourselves. We all deserve it. We must allow the universe within, our divine mother and father, to love us and nourish us.

When my friend Amy was going through her divorce and trying to heal her relationship with her husband, she couldn’t seem to shake loose of her anger. Every day something would come up that would leave her upset. Amy was desperately trying to love herself through this emotional process, but it often seemed impossible. Finally, in an attempt to clear her negative feelings, Amy wrote out a list of all the things she loved and hated about Ed. Of course, this was quite a long list on both sides, but slowly Amy was able to take back her positive projections, as well as most of her negative ones.

Yet again and again one word kept coming up that Amy couldn’t own. The word was “dead.” When Amy was angry she saw Ed as emotionally dead. She tried embracing herself as dead but she couldn’t see how she was like him. Amy had all the evidence in the world to prove how emotionally alive she was. Amy could easily laugh, scream, and cry. She experienced the entire spectrum of emotions. But nevertheless the word that affected her was “dead.” So she continued her search to find the dead part of herself.

Months passed. Amy’s divorce was final, and she was fine. But whenever she got upset, there was that word again—dead. Then Amy started dating Charles, who was much younger than she. One day she and her son, Bobby, were going on an outing with Charles. When Charles got in the car, he popped out the Sesame Street tape that they always listened to and put in Aaron Neville. He started singing and turning around to laugh with Bobby, who was shining bright at all the excitement. Suddenly tears started pouring down Amy’s cheeks. She couldn’t stop. It was such a beautiful moment; she didn’t know why she was so upset. Then Amy realized she was feeling dead. Here was Charles, young, full of energy, excited about life, and she realized a part of her was dead. A part of her had stopped jumping around, singing and dancing.

The good news was that after she embraced this dead part of herself, Ed no longer plugged her in. By loving and nourishing this disowned aspect, Amy was able to forgive both Ed and herself. It was her anger with Ed that had led her on this treasure hunt to find this hidden part of herself. Without it Amy wouldn’t have discovered this part of herself that needed to be awakened. By embracing her deadness she was able to reclaim her aliveness.

Search around for stored-up anger. If you are fearful about discovering your anger, remember that your power is buried along with it. Anger is only a negative emotion when it is suppressed or dealt with in an unhealthy way. When you have compassion for yourself you can easily allow all aspects of yourself, your love and your anger, to coexist within you. Whenever I’m judging myself or others, I know I’m holding onto negative interpretations of a quality or an event. It is essential at times like this to let myself express my emotions in a healthy way.

A woman named Carla came into one of my courses with a big smile on her face and a beautiful glow surrounding her. Carla worked hard during our weekend workshop, but when it came time to do anger work she froze. Carla said she had no anger. We were working on an exercise that involved hitting pillows with a plastic bat. Exercises like batting usually release a lot of blocked energy. Carla, a large woman and about forty pounds overweight, should have been able to clobber those little pillows, but she could hardly find the strength to raise the bat over her head.

After the session I went for a walk with Carla and casually started to talk about the power of anger. I suggested that our anger often holds the key to opening our hearts, and when released it allows all our vital life energy to How through us. Still, Carla couldn’t admit she was holding in any anger. I asked her why she had so much trouble losing her unwanted fat. She told me it was a temporary problem. I suggested that Carla do anger release work for thirty days even if she didn’t feel angry. I told her that if she just batted pillows every day for five or ten minutes it could unleash some amazing things that were buried inside of her. When Carla asked me what she should think about while batting I suggested if she really couldn’t find anything that made her mad she should just bat the fat.

Months went by before I spoke to Carla again. When she finally called me she was still having trouble losing weight, making money, and finding the intimate relationship she desired. My first question was about the anger-release work I had suggested. She told me she wasn’t doing it because “I’m not angry at myself or anyone else.” I told her that if we don’t have everything we desire it’s because we’re withholding it from ourselves—we feel we aren’t worthy. When we feel unworthy, it’s often because we think there’s something bad about us. And when we feel there’s something fundamentally bad about us we usually feel angry. Carla still insisted she had no resentments towards herself or others.

An entire year went by before Carla called back. Her first words were, “Guess what? I’m hostile!” I shouted with joy! Carla had found her hidden qualities. She said she’d felt stuck the entire year. Nothing in her life had been going well. Finally, in a crunch for money, Carla had taken a roommate into her home. After about a week, she started feeling angry and hostile towards this woman. No matter how she tried to hide these feelings, every time her roommate walked into her home Carla felt upset. She decided she’d made a big mistake, and told the woman she would have to move out. Not having anywhere to go, the woman told Carla she would move out when she found another place to live. Carla was beside herself and asked the woman to move immediately. She found herself doing what she called “evil things” to get rid of her. Finally Carla threatened the woman, telling her if she didn’t move within three days she would throw all her belongings out on the lawn.

Carla’s deeply hidden dark side finally showed its face, and she could no longer deny these shadow aspects of herself. Carla was able to see her anger, own it, and embrace it. She told me it was so shocking at first that she didn’t know what to do. So she used the tools she’d learned in the course and went within herself to find the gift of Hostile Harriet. In response to the question “What is your gift to me?” Hostile Harriet said her gift was life energy. She told Carla if she would love and honor her she would give her all the energy she needed to fulfill her dreams. Carla was able to pick up the bat that had lain unused in her house for over a year and whack her pillows till the stuffing came out. She told me how good it felt to let out all that anger and rage. Months later Carla felt better than she had in years. She had accepted another aspect of herself and forgiven herself for her angry feelings. Her business tripled and she started an exercise and diet plan to rid herself of her unwanted weight.

It often takes time before we’re able to see certain aspects of ourselves. Even when we have all the knowledge and tools to embrace all of our selves, there will be times when we aren’t ready to see something painful about ourselves. The truth is that the healing you’re looking for in your relationships will not come from another person. It must come from you first. It will come from communion with all the qualities that live within you.

Desperation comes from the gulf between God and self. To remember we are one with all is to reawaken the God within us. Our divinity and our passion are intertwined. When we awaken our passion we awaken our divinity. We have learned that passion is intended for external things, other people, other places, other things. It’s time to unleash your passion for yourself. And finding love for all of who you are is a complex task. It should be easy and natural, but for most of us it’s the most difficult job we will ever encounter. If you’ve been working for a long time and haven’t been able to fully love and embrace all of who you are, don’t be discouraged. This is our biggest assignment. It is the assignment we were sent here to fulfill.

At this point I suggest creating rituals for yourself if you’re serious about doing the work of nurturing yourself. When I tell people to go home and nurture themselves they often look puzzled. They always ask, “How do I do that?” It is different for everyone but the most important thing is to have the intention of nurturing yourself. Once you have the intention, you can work on the specifics.

Start by taking a baby picture of yourself and putting it up in a place where you’ll see it a couple of times a day. If you go to an office every day put another one there. This baby is an aspect of you, which if cared for will bring you all the joy and happiness you ever desired. You might look a little different from the self in that photo, but you’re still a beautiful being. Our hearts open up to love when we see babies. We project all our love and innocence onto them. When my son was born, it amazed me that strangers came up to me everywhere I went. They told me how beautiful my baby was, how sweet he was, how healthy he looked, how special he was. None of these people had ever seen him or me before, and yet all of them were sure that he had these particular traits. They projected some aspect of themselves onto him and shared it with me. My son could have been a nightmare, but no one would have noticed.

Consider what you project onto babies. Do you think about their beauty, their innocence, their perfection, or their sweetness? Do you think they’re spoiled, out of control, selfish, or rotten? Do you think they have bad parents who don’t know how to care for them? Whatever your thoughts, remember that they’re all aspects of you that you’re projecting. Unless you’ve spent time with a child and can give an objective evaluation, you’re probably seeing some aspect of yourself in them.

Putting up a baby picture often makes people think about the innocence within them. Most of us have more compassion for babies than we do for other adults or for ourselves. If a baby knocked over a glass of water near your computer, would you look at him or her with disgust or would you see the innocence of a child and just clean the water up? We judge babies less. Think of yourself as an innocent child who only needs your love, care, and approval. Allow this child to receive that love. Imagine yourself giving love to this child every day. Close your eyes and let an image of yourself when you were young come to the front of your mind. Ask, “What can I do for this child today? How can he or she feel loved and nurtured?” Listen to your inner voice. Hear what this being within you wants and needs. They might need to hear you say, “I love you, I accept you,” or “I appreciate you.” They might want a night off from your busy schedule, a trip to the movies, or an afternoon nap. Most often people seem to need rest and appreciation. We’re so busy being busy that we’ve forgotten how to take care of ourselves.

Morning is a sacred time for all of us to connect with our divinity. As the stillness of night gives way to a new day, the thoughts and feelings of the morning can set the foundation for our entire day. Taking just a few minutes in the morning for yourself before you start rushing around sets the stage for a wonderful day.

Try giving yourself an oil massage before your shower, and thank God for all the parts of your body. Starting with your head, rub in the oil and thank God for your features, your senses, your voice, ears, and brain; then work down to your beautiful neck and shoulders, into your arms and hands, and through your chest and stomach. Thank your body for being there for you, for housing your soul, and for being a strong foundation. Move into your buttocks and then down your legs, making sure you focus your attention on every part of your body that you are massaging. When you get to your feet remember that they’ve carried you around for many years so take the time to bless them and appreciate them. With your eyes closed, scan your entire body and feel whether there is any place where you feel stress or uneasiness. Bring your loving attention to these areas: thank them for communicating with you and let the tension leave your body now.

If you don’t have time for the oil massage, you can use a variation while taking your shower. Wash each part of your body with love, and acknowledge that area for doing its job and supporting the rest of your body. This whole process doesn’t have to take more than five minutes. If you have more time, then spend more time. The important thing is to honor yourself. Give yourself the message that you are important. Honor and respect your genius. By authentically honoring and respecting yourself, you’ll be able to do the same for others, drawing like-minded people and positive situations into your life.

You could also take time every night to do something special for yourself. A bath is a great way to relax and unwind from the day. Lighting candles, turning down the lights, and sinking into a tub full of warm water is a wonderful way to nurture yourself. You can meditate, just be silent, or listen to music that feeds your soul. If you don’t like baths, you could try setting up a nurturing environment for yourself every night before you go to bed. Lighting candles, using aromatherapy or incense to enliven your mood—these are all great ways to end your day. Turn on music or meditate in silence but allow the nurturing ambiance you design to penetrate your whole being.

When I first started my own healing process I made a list of all the things I could do for myself. It took me a while to figure out that going to the gym was not nurturing my soul. It did have a purpose, which was to make me look better and stay healthier, and it was good for my ego, but it didn’t nurture my spirit. It’s important to distinguish between what’s good for your self respect and what’s good for your soul.

I had just broken up with a man at the time and was feeling quite lonely. Instead of sinking into my sadness I decided to take on the project of falling in love with myself. Every night I’d make myself a beautiful dinner, even though I didn’t really know how to cook very well. When I went to the store I’d ask myself, “What could I eat tonight that would nourish me?” While I was eating I’d listen to music and light incense. After dinner I’d make a fire for myself and light candles all over my house. It was mood setting just for me. After a week or two, I couldn’t wait to go home and be with myself. Instead of waiting to find someone to romance me, I romanced myself—and it worked.

This nighttime ritual changed everything in my life. Every day I woke up feeling content, relaxed, and good about myself. Every day I learned more about nurturing my soul. Do for yourself what you would like someone to do for you. If you like flowers, buy yourself flowers. Play soft music, light candles. Go to a store and find some aromas that you like and start using them every day. Become important to yourself. Getting dressed for dinner even if you’re dining alone can be a nurturing experience if you don’t often pay attention to your appearance. Put on clothes that make you feel good even if you’re not going out. Treat yourself like royalty. You are!

The world mirrors yourself back to you. If you love, nourish, and appreciate yourself internally it will show up in your external life. If you want more love, give more love to yourself. If you want acceptance, accept yourself. I promise that if you love and respect yourself from the deepest place of your being, you will call forth that same level of love and respect from the universe. If you think you are doing this and your external world does not look like you think it should, I ask you to look inside one more time. Uncover the lie. Uncover what you are not allowing yourself to have, what you most desire.

EXERCISES

1. . This exercise is designed to identify and release toxic emotional energy. Our focus will be on forgiveness. Our intention is to release any emotion that’s blocking you—anger, resentment, regret, or guilt—feelings that stop you from forgiving yourself or someone else.

Journaling is a good tool to help process your emotions. It encourages whatever comes into your mind to flow out onto the paper. It allows the emotional toxicity in our bodies and minds to express itself freely. Once we can grant this toxicity being and allow it to exist without judgment it will be released.

Start by clearing off anything on your lap or in your way. All you need to have close by is your journal and a pen. You might want to put on some soft music, and light some candles or incense to help you relax. Now close your eyes. Use your breath to quiet your mind and surrender to the process. Take five slow, deep breaths.

With your eyes closed, imagine being in an elevator and push the button that will take you to the fifth floor. As the door opens, you see that you are in a beautiful garden. As you gaze out at the greenery and the flowers, you see a nice chair, a perfect place for you to sit and relax. As you sit down comfortably in this chair, take another slow, deep breath. Now ask yourself the following questions and allow the answers to come to you. Then open your eyes and write them down. Repeat this process for each of the four questions, making sure to close your eyes and take a few slow, deep breaths so you can clear your mind and hear the answers from your heart.

a. What story have I created about who I really am that explains my current life circumstances?

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b. What resentments, old wounds, anger, or regrets do I carry in my heart?

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c. Who in my life have I been unwilling to forgive?

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d. What needs to happen for me to forgive myself and others?

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e. Now make a list of people you need to forgive and write a short letter to them. If your list is long, write as many letters as you can. What you don’t finish now you can complete later.

f. What do you need to say to yourself to be current with your life up to now?

1. . Write a forgiveness letter to yourself. Make a list of the three people you admire the most. Write down three qualities that inspire you about each of them. Then make a master list of the nine qualities. Go through the list of positive traits on pages 139—40 and write down any that you cannot embrace within yourself. Add these words to your list of nine positive qualities.

Now, bring this list of words and go sit or stand in front of a mirror. Taking each word individually, look into your own eyes, and repeat the following sentence: “I am (a) __.” Continue to repeat the sentence until you no longer feel any resistance to the word. Choose a time each day to own one or two words from your list. If you get stuck and are unwilling or unable to own a particular word, move on and come back to it later.