خداحافظ

GOOD-BYE

Dear Mom,

The first thing is that I love you. You already know that, but I may not get the chance to tell you again.

So. I love you. I love you. I love you.

You are smart and strong and kind and selfless. I couldn’t have wished for a better mom.

You’re not going to understand what I’m going to say. I don’t know if I understand it myself.

Because of you I’m alive, Mom, and I’m so, so grateful for that. Because of you I’ve survived this long and gotten a chance to know my small part of the world. But it’s not enough. It’s not your fault. It’s this impossible life.

I’m not doing this just because of Olly. Or maybe I am. I don’t know. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s Olly and it’s not-Olly at the same time. It’s like I can’t look at the world in the old way anymore. I found this new part of myself when I met him and the new part doesn’t know how to stay quiet and still and just observe.

Do you remember when we read The Little Prince together for the first time? I was so upset that he died in the end. I didn’t understand how he could choose death just so he could get back to his rose.

I think I understand it now. He wasn’t choosing to die. His rose was his whole life. Without her, he wasn’t really alive.

I don’t know, Mom. I don’t know what I’m doing only that I have to. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the way I was before, before I knew anything. But I can’t.

I’m sorry. Forgive me. I love you.

• Maddy