فصل 19

19

For others the ordeal left ineradicable scars – the excoriating cold, the fear and the proximity of untimely and senseless death mixed with the sheer degradation of life in a small, weatherbattered warship – to kindle a lifelong abhorrence of war.

Richard Woodman, Arctic Convoys 1941–45

Thirtyfive days one week to Plymouth

In the anonymous space at the back of the lecture room, Joe Junior shifted restlessly, perhaps feeling unfairly confined by the limitations of his environment. Margaret, looking down on the dome of her stomach, watching her tattered notebook ride the seismic wave of his movement, like a little craft on water, thought she knew how he felt. For weeks, time on this ship had seemed to stall. She had felt a desperate need to see Joe, and a deepening frustration with the way the days crawled by. Now that they were in European waters, time was speeding past, leaving her in turmoil.

She was grotesque, she thought. Her belly was hugely swollen, the pale skin traversed by purple tributaries. She could squeeze her feet into only a stretched, gritty pair of sandals. Her face, never slender, now peered back at her from the mirror in the communal bathroom as a perfect moon. How could Joe still want me? she asked herself. He married a lithe, active girl who could run as fast as him, who could race him on horseback across the endless green acres of the station. A girl whose firm, taut body, unclothed, had moved him to a point beyond speech.

Now he would find himself tethered to a fat, lumpen, heavyfooted sow, who sat down breathless after the shortest flight of stairs. Whose breasts, pale and veiny, flopped and leaked milk. A sow who disgusted even herself. She was no longer reassured by the easy affection of their conversation a few weeks ago – how could she be? He hadnt seen her new appearance.

She shifted on the little wooden seat and breathed out a silent oh of discomfort. Todays lecture had been entitled Things Your Men May Have Seen. Despite the title, it contained only repeated references to unmentionable horrors, which the speaker had evidently considered too unmentionable to describe. What was important, the welfare officer said, was not to press your husband on what had happened to him. Most men, history had shown, were better off not dwelling on things but simply Getting On With It. They didnt want some woman haranguing them to tell her everything. What men needed was someone to distract them with gaiety, who could remind them of the joys of what they had been fighting for.

The way this man talked made Margaret feel for the first time that she and Joe were not partners, as she had assumed, but that there was, by dint of her sex and his experiences, a huge abyss between them. Joe had only once hinted at his personal canon of horrors his friend Adie had been killed in the Pacific while he was standing just feet away from Joe on deck, and she had seen him blink furiously at the fine tide that rose in his eyes. She had not pushed him for details, not because she had felt this was something he should endure in private but because she was Australian. Of good farming stock. And the sight of a mans eyes filled with tears, even an Irishmans and they all knew how emotional they could get, made her feel a little peculiar.

There would be added strains, the welfare officer had said, with them having come from very different continents. There was little doubt that that would be an extra pressure on them, no matter how warm the welcome they received from their British inlaws. He suggested the girls find themselves a friend within the family. Or perhaps exchange addresses with some of their new friends on board so that they had someone to talk to if they were particularly concerned.

But they might find, for a few months, that their husband became a little shorttempered, snappy, at times. Before you censure him, perhaps take a moment to consider that there may be other reasons for his outburst. That he may have remembered something he doesnt want to burden you with. And perhaps before you loose your tongue in response, you might consider what your husband has done in the service of his country, and of yourselves. We have an expression in England. Here the welfare officer paused, and let his gaze span the little room. Stiff upper lip. Its what has kept our Empire strong these last years. Id advocate that you use it often.

The marine officers attendant had motioned to him twice now to help clear the wardroom. It took Joness urgent Cmon, man, shake a leg, to rouse Nicol from his reverie.

Around him the officers had finished their meal and were retiring to smoke pipes and read letters or old newspapers. There had been a longrunning joke throughout lunch about the state of Victorias engines, and an open book on whether they were going to last until Plymouth. Another parallel joke, the subject of much ribald discussion, concerned three ratings who had been informed that they were to appear before the Admiralty Interview Board to try to become officers, and the possible answers that one would give, a young man widely considered to have the intelligence and demeanour of a mule.

You half asleep, man? Jones virtually shoved him through into the wardroom annexe. The XO had his eye on you through the toasts – you were standing there like a sack of spuds. At one stage I thought you were going to stick your hands in your bloody pockets.

Nicol was unable to answer. Standing to attention during the toasts would normally have been reflexive to him. Like polishing his boots, or offering to go extra rounds. But strange things had happened to his sense of responsibility.

He had been imagining her put off, and him following. During lunch he had allowed himself the daydream that her husband might send her a Not Wanted Dont Come, then cursed himself for wishing that shame upon her.

But he couldnt help it. When he closed his eyes, he saw her watchful face. The brief, bright smile she had bestowed on him when they had danced. The feel of her waist, her hands resting lightly on him.

Who had she married? Had she told him of her past? Worse, had the man been part of it? There seemed no way to ask her without implying that he, like the rest of them, was entitled to some sort of opinion on her life. What right had he to ask any of it?

These thoughts made his eyes screw shut against images he didnt want to own. In his mess the men, familiar with temporary visitations from war demons, allowed him a wide berth. They came back to haunt a man occasionally, buzzing low, divebombing his mind and scorching it black. Perhaps I could tell her, he thought. I could explain a little of what I feel. Saying it might act like a pressure valve. She wouldnt have to do anything about it.

But even as the words formed in his mind, he knew he could not speak out. She had created a future for herself, found some stability. He had no right to say or do anything that might interfere with it.

Last night he had stared up at the constellations that had once intrigued him, now cursing the conjunction of planets that had caused their paths to veer past each other at a point that might have redeemed them both. I could have made her happy, he thought. How could the unknown husband say the same? Or perhaps some selfish part of him just wanted to atone and diminish his own sense of guilt by being her saviour.

It was this uncomfortable revelation that forced him to his conclusion, which prompted him to swap his shifts with Emmett and kept him, for the next few days, well away from her.

It was no longer her past that troubled him. It was that she had escaped it.

Leading hand was still in his pit at ten to bloody eleven in the morning. You should have heard the captain Youre no more fit to be a leading hand than one of those bloody girls downstairs. You know where he was, dont you? Masteratarms reckons he was in the infirmary with the American. Investigating the . . . curative properties of alcohol.

There was a burst of laughter. He stared up at the picture of the King, which took pride of place on the wall, then took his place next to Jones, preparing to file out of the wardroom. He had received a wire four days after he had sent his own. It said simply, Thank you! The exclamation mark, with all it conveyed, had made him wince.

Unexpectedly, the dog began to howl when Margaret opened the door. She placed her hands frantically round Maude Gonnes muzzle and stumbled for the bed, hissing, Shush! Shush, Maudie! Shush now! The dog had barked twice, and Margaret had come as close as she ever had to smacking her. Shut up now! she scolded, her eyes fixed on the door. Come on, now, settle down, she murmured, and the dog turned tight circles on her bunk. Margaret looked guiltily at her watch, wondering when she could next take her out. Maude Gonne had tried to escape several times now. Like Joe Junior, she thought, the confinement was starting to tell. Come on now, she said, her tone soothing. Not much longer, I promise.

Only then did she realise she was not alone in the dormitory.

Avice was lying motionless on her bunk, facing the wall, her knees drawn up to her stomach.

Margaret stared at her as the dog leapt down and scratched halfheartedly at the door. It was, she calculated, the fourth day that Avice had lain like this. On the few occasions that she had risen for food she had picked at whatever was on her plate, then excused herself. Seasickness, she had said, to enquiries. But the water hadnt been choppy.

Margaret stepped forward and bent over the prostrate figure, as if she could glean some clue from her face. Once she had done this believing Avice to be asleep, and had felt a mixture of shock and embarrassment when her eyes were wide open. She had wondered whether to talk to Frances perhaps Avice was suffering from some medical complaint. But given the bad blood between the two women, she didnt feel it fair on either of them.

Besides, Frances was rarely here now. For reasons no one could explain, she had been helping out in the infirmary, Dr Duxbury having gleefully accepted the responsibility of organising the final of the Queen of the Victoria contest. Otherwise she disappeared for several hours every day, and offered no explanation as to where she had been. Margaret supposed she should be glad to see her so much happier, but she missed her company. Alone, she had had altogether far too much time to think. And, as her dad was fond of saying, that was never a good thing.

Avice? she whispered. Are you awake?

She did not reply until the second prompt. Yes, she said.

Margaret stood awkwardly in the centre of the little dormitory, her distended body briefly forgotten as she tried to work out what to do for the best. Can I . . . can I get you anything?

No.

The silence expanded round her. Her mother would have known what to do, she thought. She would have marched up to Avice, taken her in her arms in that confident maternal way of hers, and said, Cmon, now, whats up? And faced with her degree of certainty, Avice would have confessed her anxieties, or her medical problems, or her homesickness or whatever was troubling her.

Except her mother wasnt there. And Margaret was no more capable of taking Avice in her arms unprompted than she was of rowing this ship all the way to bloody England. I could get you a cup of tea, she ventured.

Avice said nothing.

Margaret lay on her bed reading for almost an hour, not feeling able to leave either Avice or the dog, whom she did not trust to keep quiet.

Outside, the faint increase in movement of the ship told of the shift into cooler, rougher waters. Now, after weeks aboard, they were finely attuned to the vibrations of the Victoria, used to the everpresent hum of her engines, able to ignore the incessant piped commands that punctuated every quarterhour.

She had begun a letter to her father, then discovered she had nothing to say about life on board that she had not already told him. The real events that had taken place she could not conceive of putting on paper, and the rest of it was just waiting. Like living in a corridor, waiting for her new life to begin.

She had written to Daniel instead a series of questions about the mare, an urgent demand that he should skin as many darn rabbits as he could so that he could get over to England to see her. Daniel had written once, a letter she had received at Bombay. It comprised just a few lines and told her little, other than the state of the cows, the weather, and the plot of a movie he had seen in town, but her heart had eased. She had been forgiven, those few lines told her. If her father had threatened him with the belt to do it he would have put a blank sheet in an envelope rather than comply. There was a sharp rap on the door, and she leapt on her dog, cutting short her bark. Holding her, she broke into a fake coughing fit, trying to emulate the noise. Hold on, she said, her broad hand clamped gently but firmly round Maude Gonnes muzzle. Just coming.

Is Mrs A. Radley there?

Margaret faced Avices bunk. Avice, blinking, sat. Her clothes were crumpled, her face pale and blank. She slid slowly to the floor, lifting a hand to her hair. Avice Radley, she said, opening the door a little way.

A young rating stood before her.

Youve had a wire. Come through the radio room this afternoon.

Margaret dropped the dog behind her and stepped forward to take Avices arm. Oh, my God, she said involuntarily.

The rating registered the two wideeyed faces. Then he thrust the piece of paper into Avices hand. Dont look like that, missus – its good news.

What? said Margaret.

He ignored her. He waited for Avices eyes to drop to the paper before he spoke again, his voice thick with mirth. Its family. Your folks are going to be in Plymouth to meet you off the ship.

Avice had sobbed for almost twenty minutes, which had initially seemed excessive and had now become alarming. Margaret, her previous reticence forgotten, had climbed on to Avices bunk and now sat beside her, trying not to think about the way it creaked ominously under her weight. Its okay, Avice, she kept saying. Hes all right. Ians all right. That bloody wire just gave you a bit of a fright.

The captain wasnt best pleased, the rating had said gleefully. Said hed be using the radio room for taking down shopping lists next. But hed allowed the message through.

Margaret tutted. They shouldnt have sent someone down here like that. They must have known it would scare you half to death. Specially someone in our condition, eh? She tried to get the girl to smile.

Avice failed to answer her. But eventually the sobbing subsided, until it was just a stuttering echo of itself, a breath that caught periodically in the back of her throat. Finally, when Margaret felt the worst was over, she stepped down.

There now, she said uselessly. You get some rest. Calm yourself down a bit. She lay on her own bunk and began to chat about their plans for the last few days – the best lectures to attend, Avices preparations for the Queen of the Victoria final, anything to shake her out of her depression. Youve got to wear those green satin shoes again, she rattled on gamely. You dont know how many girls would give their eye teeth for them, Avice. That girl from 11F said shed seen some just like them in Australian Womens Weekly.

Avices eyes were raw and redrimmed. You dont understand, she thought, as she stared at the blank wall, not registering the endless stream of words that floated up from below. Just for a moment, I thought everything was going to be okay, that there was going to be a way out of this for me.

She lay very still, as if somehow she could turn herself to stone.

Just for a moment, I thought they had come to tell me he was dead.

So, anyway, there I was, dirty water up to my ears, pans sloshing up and down the galley, ship listing fortyfive degrees to port, and the old boy wades in, looks me up and down, empties several pints of bilge water out of his cap and says, I hope those arent odd socks youre wearing, Highfield. I wont have standards slipping on my ship.

The captain stretched out his leg. Best bit about it was he was right. God only knows how he could tell under four foot of water, but he was right.

Frances straightened up and smiled. Ive had matrons like that, she said. I reckon they could tell you the number of pills in every bottle.

She began to place the instruments back in the carrying case.

Ah, said Highfield. He cleared his throat. Well, then. Fortyone torpedo heads, separated from cases, two empty cases, thirtytwo bombs, most dismantled, four cases ammunition for 4.5 inch magazine, one case 4.5 inch HA/LA twin mounting, nine cases assorted armaments, smallarms magazine and pompoms. Oh, and twentytwo rounds for several assorted handguns. Those currently locked in my personal stores.

Something tells me, said Frances, youre not entirely ready for retirement.

Outside, behind his left shoulder, the sun was setting. It sank towards the horizon at a gentler pace than it had in previous waters. The ocean stretched around them, its greyish hue the only clue to the cooler temperature. Now they were often pursued by gulls, scavenging after the gash, or rubbish, the ships cook threw overboard, or bits of biscuit the girls hurled at them for the fun of watching them catch scraps in midair.

Highfield leant forward the scar tissue on his leg was like melted candlewax. Hows it . . . ?

Fine, she said. You must be able to feel it.

I feel better, he said. Then, catching her eye, Its still a little sore, but much improved.

Your temperatures normal.

I thought Id got a touch of the tropical sweats.

Probably had those too. She knew he felt better. It was in his demeanour something in him was no longer quite so grimly contained. Now his eyes held a glint of something else, and his smile came readily. When he stood straight, it was with pride rather than the desperation to prove he still could.

He had embarked on another story one about a missing torpedo case. She had finished, and allowed herself to sit neatly in the chair opposite him and listen. He had told her this story some days previously but she didnt mind she sensed that he was not a man who talked easily. A lonely man, she had concluded. She had often found those in charge to be the loneliest.

Besides, she had to admit, faced with the cold reception she still received from most of the brides, with Avices strange melancholy and the marines absence, she enjoyed his company.

. . . and the ruddy man was only using it to cook fish. Couldnt find anything else that looked like a fish kettle, he said. I tell you, when we thought about it, we were only grateful he hadnt used the warhead.

Highfields laugh emerged from him like a bark, as if it surprised him, and she smiled again, keen not to reveal her familiarity with what he had said. He would glance at her after each joke, an infinitesimal movement, but one in which she recognised his awkwardness with women. He would not want to bore her. She would not allow him to think he had.

Sister Mackenzie . . . can I offer you a drink? I often have a little tot at this time of day.

Thank you, but I dont drink.

Sensible girl. She watched as he manoeuvred himself round his desk. It was beautiful, a deep walnut colour embossed with dark green leather. The captains private room could have sat happily in any welloff house, with its carpet, paintings and comfortable upholstered chairs. She thought of the sparse conditions of the men below, their hammocks, lockers and bleached tabletops. Nowhere but in the British Navy had she seen the blatant difference in the mens living conditions, and it made her wonder about the country she was heading to. How did you do it? she asked, as he poured his drink.

What?

Your leg. You never said.

He was standing with his back to her and for a moment it went still enough for her to understand that her question had not been as inconsequential as she had intended. You dont have to tell me, she said. Im sorry. I didnt mean to pry.

It was as if he had not heard her. He stoppered the decanter, then sat down again. He took a long slug of the amber liquid, and then he spoke. The Victoria, he said, was not his ship. I served on her sister, Indomitable. From thirtynine. Then shortly before VJ Day we came under attack. We had six Albacores, four Swordfish and God knows what else up there trying to cover us, men on all the guns, but nothing hit them. I knew from the start we were done.

My nephew was a pilot. Robert Hart. Twentysix years old. My younger sister Mollys boy . . . He was a . . . We were close. He was a good chap.

They were briefly interrupted by a knock on the door. A flash of irritation briefly illuminated Highfields features. He rose and walked heavily across the floor. He opened the door, glanced at the papers that were handed to him and nodded at the young telegraphist. Very good, he muttered.

Frances, still lost in the captains previous words, barely noticed.

The captain sat down again, dropping the papers beside him on the desk. There was a long silence.

Was he . . . shot down? she said.

No, he said, after another slug of his drink. No. I think he would have preferred that. One of the bombs dropped into numbertwo hold and blew out several decks, from the officers berths to the centre engine room. I lost sixteen men in that first explosion.

Frances could imagine the scene on board, her nose scenting the smoke and oil, the screams of trapped and burning men in her ears. Including your nephew.

No . . . no, thats the problem. I was too late getting them out, you see? Id been blown off my feet, and I was a bit dazed. I didnt realise how close the explosion had been to the ammunition stores.

The fire cracked several of the internal pipes. It ran along the tiller flat, the steeringgear store and the admirals store and came up again under the ammunition conveyor. Fifteen minutes after the first, they caught and blew out half the innards of the ship. He shook his head. It was deafening . . . deafening. I thought the heavens themselves had cracked open. I should have had more men down there, checking the hatches were closed, stopping the fire.

You might have lost more.

Fiftyeight, all told. My nephew had been on the control platform. He hesitated. I couldnt get to him.

Frances sat very still. Im sorry, she said.

They made me get off, he said, his words coming thick and fast now as if they had waited too long. She was going down, and I had my men – those who could still stand – in the boats. The seas were eerily calm, and I could see the boats all sitting there below me, almost still, like lilypads on a pond, all smeared with blood and oil as the men hauled in the injured from the water. It was so hot. Those of us still aboard were spraying ourselves with the hoses, just to try to stay on the ship. And while we were trying to reach our injured men, while bits of the ship were cracking open and burning, the bloody Japanese kept circling. Not firing any more, just circling above us, like vultures, as if they were enjoying watching us suffer.

He took a gulp of his drink.

I was still trying to find him when they ordered me off. He dropped his head. Two destroyers came alongside to help us. Finally saw off the Japanese. I was ordered off. And all my men sat there and watched as I let the ship go down, knowing that there were probably men alive down there, injured men. Perhaps even Hart.

He paused. None of them said a word to me. They just . . . stared.

Frances closed her eyes. She had heard similar stories, knew the scars they caused. There was nothing she could say to comfort him.

They listened to the Tannoy calling the ladies to a display of feltwork in the forward lounge. Frances noted, with surprise, that at some point it had become completely dark outside.

Not much of a way to end a career, is it?

She heard the break in his voice. Captain, she said, the only people who still have all the answers are those who have never been faced with the questions.

Outside his rooms the deck light stuttered into life, throwing a cold neon glow through the window. There was a brief burst of conversation as several men left the squadron office and a pipe called repetitively stand by to receive gash barge alongside.

Captain Highfield stared at his feet, then at her, digesting the truth of what she had said. He had a long slug of his drink, his eyes not leaving hers as he finished it. Sister Mackenzie, he said, as he put his glass on the table, tell me about your husband.

Nicol had stood outside the cinema projection room for almost threequarters of an hour. Had he been allowed in to view the film, he would have been unwilling to watch The Best Years of Our Lives, even with its happy endings for those servicemen returning home. His attention was focused on the other end of the corridor.

I cant believe this, JonestheWelsh had said, as he dried himself in the mess. I heard she was being put off. The next thing captains saying its all a bloody misunderstanding. It was not, I can tell you. You saw her, didnt you, Duckworth? We both recognised her. Dont understand it. He rubbed briskly under his arms.

I know why, said another marine. Shes in there having a drink with the skipper.

What?

In his rooms. The old weatherguesser just took him in the longrange reports, and there she is, curled up with him on the settee having a drink.

The sly old dog, Jones said.

Shes not silly, eh?

Highfield? He couldnt get a bagoff in a brothel with a fiver sticking out of his ear.

Its one rule for us and another for them, thats for sure, said Duckworth, bitterly. Can you imagine them letting us bring a brass back to the mess?

You must be mistaken. Nicol had spoken before he realised what he was saying. The words hung heavy in the ensuing silence. She wouldnt be in the captains rooms. He lowered his voice. I mean, theres no reason for her to be there.

Taylor knows what he saw. I can tell you something else. Its not the first time, either. He reckons its the third time this week hes seen her in there.

Third time, eh? Cmon, Nicol, old boy. You know the reason as well as I do. Joness braying voice had exploded into laughter. Howd you like that, boys? Sixty years old and our skippers finally discovered the joys of the flesh!

Finally, he heard voices. As he stood back against the pipes, the captains lobby door opened. The air was punched silently from his lungs as he saw the slim figure step out lightly and turn to face the captain. He didnt have to look long to confirm who it was her image, every last detail, was now as deeply imprinted on his soul as if it had been etched there.

Thank you, Highfield was saying. I dont really know what else to say. Im not usually given to . . .

She shook her head, as if whatever she had bestowed upon him was nothing. Then she smoothed her hair. He found himself stepping back into the shadows. Im not given to . . . to what? Nicols breath lodged in his chest and his mind went blank. This was not how he had felt when his wife had revealed her affair. This was worse.

They muttered something he couldnt catch, and then her voice rose again. Oh, Captain, she called, I forgot to say . . . Sixteen.

Nicol could just make out Highfield staring at her, his expression quizzical.

She began to make her way towards the main hangar. Sixteen penicillin left in the big bottle. Seven in the smaller one. And ten sealed dressings in the white bag. At least, there should be.

He could hear the captains laughter the whole way down the gangway.