فصل 22

22

Remember, the army will not send you to a destination unless it has been verified that that man is there waiting. In short, consider yourself parcelpost delivery.

Advice contained in a booklet given to war brides

travelling aboard the Argentina, Imperial War Museum

Twentyfour hours to Plymouth

It was several hours before the temperature had cooled enough to check it, but it was pretty clear once the working party got down there that the centre engine room was beyond repair the heat had melted pipework and welded rivets to the floor. The walls and hatches had buckled, and above it half of the seamens messes were gone, the decks above them warping so far with the heat that several gantries had toppled over. Other ratings had donated blankets and pillows so that those who had lost bunks and belongings could sleep in relative comfort in the forward hangar space. Nobody complained. Those who had lost treasured photographs and letters comforted themselves with the thought that within twentyfour hours they were likely to see in person the subjects of those precious keepsakes. Those who remembered Indomitable were simply relieved that no lives had been lost. If the war had taught them nothing else, it had taught them that.

Think you can limp into harbour?

Highfield sat in the bridge, watching the grey skies clear to reveal patches of pure blue, as if in apology for the evening before. Were less than a day away. Weve got one working engine. I dont see why not.

Sounds like the old girl suffered a bit. McManuss voice was low. And a little bird tells me you were a little too stuck in for comfort.

Highfield dismissed thoughts of armament clamps and his raw throat. He took another swig of the honey and lemon that his steward had prepared for him. Fine, sir. Nothing to worry about. The men . . . looked after me.

Good man. Ill take a look at your report. Glad you were able to bring it all under control – without frightening the ladies too much, I mean. His laugh echoed tinnily down the wire.

Highfield stepped out of the bridge, and stood on the flight deck. At the aft end, a row of men were making their way slowly along it, scrubbing off traces of the smoke that had filtered upwards, their buckets of grey, foaming water slopping as they went. They worked around the areas that had buckled, which were not safe to walk on. Several marines had been busy constructing barriers around them. The damage was visible, but it was all orderly. When they sailed into Plymouth, Highfields ship would be under control.

He had not lost a single one.

No one was close enough to hear the shaking breath that Highfield slowly let out as he turned to go back into the bridge. But that didnt mean it hadnt happened.

At least a hundred women had queued patiently by the main hatch since breakfast, waiting to be allowed back to their cabins. There had been hushed conversations about the state of their belongings, fears for cherished and carefully chosen arrival outfits now perhaps wrecked by water and smoke. Although there was no obvious damage on this deck, a brush against a wall or bunk left one with a shadow that revealed everything was veiled with a fine layer of soot. As they stood and talked, quieting for every piped instruction in case it heralded their being allowed in, more women drifted towards the queue.

Margaret, heavily pregnant and cumbersome as she was, tore through the hatch the minute it was opened, and was already in her cabin by the time the other brides had made it to the bottom of the stairwell. Maudie! Maudie!

The door had been open. She knelt down and peered under the two bottom bunks. Maudie! she cried.

Have you tried the canteen? Theres a lot of them still up there. A WSO had stuck her head briefly round the door. Margaret turned and stared at her perplexed, until she realised the woman thought she was looking for another bride.

Maudie! She checked under every blanket, lifting bedrolls and tearing the sheets from the bunks in her desperation. Nothing. She was not in the beds, in any of the bags. She was not even in Margarets hat, traditionally her place of comfort.

Margaret was hit with the scale of the search ahead at the exact moment she heard the scream. She stood very still for a minute, and then, as someone else cried, What on earth is it? she threw herself out of the door and lumbered down the passageway to the bathrooms.

Afterwards she thought she had probably known even before she got there. It was the only other place Maudie knew on the ship, the only other place she must have thought she might find Margaret. She stood in the doorway, staring at the girls gathered by the sinks. She followed their eyes to the little dog lying pressed against the back of the door, several dark streaks on the tiled wall where she must have tried to scrabble her way out.

Margaret stepped forward and fell to her knees on the damp floor. A great sob escaped her. The dogs limbs were stiff, the body cold. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Margarets face crumpled like a childs. She gathered the little dogs body into her arms. Oh, Maudie, Im so sorry. Im so, so sorry.

She stayed there for some minutes, kissing the wet hair, trying to will the body into life, knowing that it was hopeless.

She did not actually cry, those watching reported, just sat, holding the dog, as if absorbing some great pain.

Eventually, at the point where the anxious glances around her became whispers, she peeled off her cardigan and folded the dog into it. Then, with a grunt, one hand on the smudged wall, she got to her feet. She held the bundle close to her, as one would hold a baby.

Would you . . . would you like me to fetch someone? A woman laid a hand on her arm.

She didnt seem to hear.

Crying bitterly, Margaret walked back along the passageway, clasping her swaddled burden. Those who were not preoccupied with their own smoked belongings peered into it, curious about this babys identity.

An uneasy hush had descended on the ship. Those women returning to their cabins did not chatter with relief, even though the worst damage to anyones belongings had been a coating of soot. The night had shown them the precariousness of their position, and it had shaken them. The voyage was no longer an adventure. There was not one who wasnt suddenly overwhelmed by an ache to be home. Whatever that turned out to be.

The WSO placed a hand under her arm as Frances lifted herself on to the bed, surprised by how tired that small act made her feel. The woman pulled a blanket over her, then made to adjust the other round her shoulders. The marine removed his own supporting arm, and let go of her hand with a hint of reluctance. She caught his eye and her exhaustion briefly disappeared.

Im fine, she said, to the WSO. Thank you, but really I am. Id be just as good in my own bunk.

Dr Duxbury says anyone whos been in the water needs to spend a few hours under observation. You might have hypothermia.

I can assure you I havent.

Orders are orders. Youll probably be out by teatime. The WSO moved to Avices bed, tucking in her blankets in a brisk, maternal gesture that reminded Frances suddenly of the hospital at Morotai. But they were in a side room off the infirmary, some kind of detergent store, Frances guessed, from the boxes around them and the pervasive smell of bleach. There were charts on the walls, with lists of supplies, and locked cabinets containing items that might be flammable. Frances shivered.

Sorry about the room, the WSO was saying. We need the infirmary for the men who inhaled smoke, and we couldnt have you mixing. This was the only place we could put you two. Only for a few hours, though, eh?

The marine, inches from her bed, was staring at her. Frances felt the warmth of his eyes and savoured it. She could still feel the imprint of his arm round her as he half walked, half carried her back on board, his head so close to hers that, if she had inclined her neck a little further, she could have felt his skin against hers.

Now, Mrs Radley, are you comfortable?

Fine, Avice said, into her pillow.

Good. Ive got to pop next door and get the men comfortable, but Ill be back as soon as I can. When youre feeling up to it, Ive brought you some nice clean clothes to change into. Ill put them just here. She placed the carefully folded pile on a small cabinet. Now, Im sure you ladies could do with a cup of tea. Marine, would you do the honours? Its chaos downstairs and I dont want to have to fight my way to the galley.

Id be delighted.

She felt his hand, the brief squeeze, and for a second she forgot about this room, about Avice, the fire. She was on a lifeboat, her eyes locked on to this mans, saying everything she had ever wanted to say, everything she had never believed she would want to say, without uttering a word.

Ill take a look at those cuts later, she murmured to him, and fought the urge to touch his face. She imagined how his skin would feel under her fingertips, the tenderness with which she would care for the bruised flesh.

He glanced behind him as he walked towards the door. Smiled when he saw she was still watching him, one hand raised unconsciously to her hair.

I dont suppose you particularly want to be stuck with me, do you? As he closed the door, Avices voice cut into the silence.

Reluctantly, Frances brought her thoughts to the woman in front of her. I dont mind who Im with, she replied coolly.

It was as if their hours in the lifeboat had never happened, as if Avice, uncomfortable at having been rescued by this woman, was now determined to restore the distance between them.

Ive got a stomachache. This bodice is too tight. Will you help me out of it?

Avice slid slowly out of her bed, her hair separated into pale, salted fronds. Frances helped her out of the ruined party dress, the stiff girdle and brassière, with impersonal care. It was only as she helped Avice back on to the bed that she saw the mark spreading slowly across the back of the peach silk robe. She stooped to pick up the soiled dress and saw further evidence. She waited until Avice had lain down, then stood stiffly beside her. I have to tell you something, she said. Youre bleeding.

In the little room, piled high with boxes, they examined the robe in silence. Avice took it off and stared at the ruby stain, which was even now making its way on to the sheet. She saw in Francess face what it meant. There was no visible change in her demeanour. She accepted the clean towel that Frances fetched without comment.

Im so sorry, said Frances, a pebble of discomfort lodged inside her. It – it may have been the shock of the water. She had been prepared for Avice to scream at her, that she might relish the chance to add this lost child to Francess list of supposed sins. But she said nothing, just acceded to Francess quiet requests to lie still, put this towel there, take a painkiller or two.

Finally she spoke. Just as well, really, she said. Poor little bastard.

There was a brief, shocked silence, as if even she was surprised by her choice of words.

Francess eyes widened.

Avice shook her head. Then suddenly, lurching up and forward like somebody choking, she began to wail. Racking sobs filled the little room and she sank back on to the narrow bed, her face buried in the sheet, the muffled noise passing through her as if with seismic tremors.

Frances dropped the dress, clambered quietly on to Avices bed and sat beside her, stunned. She stayed there for some time until, unable to bear the terrible sound any longer, she put her arms round the girl and held her. Avice neither pushed her away nor leant in to her. It was as if she was so locked into her own private unhappiness that she did not know Frances was there.

It will be all right, Frances said, not knowing if she could justify her words. It will be all right.

It was some time before the sobbing subsided. Frances fetched more painkillers from the dispensary and a sedative, in case it proved necessary. When she returned, Avice was lying back against the wall, a pillow propped under her. She wiped her eyes, then gestured to Frances to pass her her dress, from which she pulled a piece of tattered, damp paper. Here, you can read this properly now, she said.

Not Wanted Dont Come?

No. Oh, he wants me, all right . . .

Avice thrust it towards her and, conscious that they had traversed some barrier, Frances took it and this time read properly the bits that had not run in the waters of the Atlantic.

I should have told you this a long time ago. But I love you, darling, and I couldnt bear the thought of your sad face when I told you, or the slightest possibility of losing you . . . Please dont misunderstand me – Im not asking you not to come. You need to know that the relationship between me and my wife is far more like brother and sister than anything. You, my darling, mean far more to me than she ever could . . .

I want you to know I meant every word I said in Australia. But you must understand – the children are so young, and I am not the type to take my responsibilities lightly. Perhaps when they are a little older we can think again?

So, I know Im asking a lot of you, but just think about this in your days left on board. Ive got a fair bit put away, and I could set you up in a lovely little place in London. And I can be with you a couple of nights a week, which, when you think of it, is more than most wives see their men in the Navy . . .

Avice, you always said that us being together was all that mattered. Prove to me, darling, that this was the truth . . .

As Frances digested the final words, she didnt know whether she should look Avice full in the face. She did not want her to think she was gloating. What will you do? she said carefully.

Go home, I suppose. I couldnt while there was . . . but now, I suppose, it can be like nothing happened. None of it happened. My parents didnt want me to come anyway. Her voice was thin and cold.

You will be all right, you know.

In her reaction to this, there was just a hint then of the old Avice the superciliousness that told Frances that what she had said, what she was, were worthless. Avice dropped the letter on to the bedcover. The way she looked at Frances now was naked, unembarrassed. How do you carry on living, she asked, with all that hanging over you? All that disgrace?

Frances understood that, for once, the words were not as harsh as they sounded. Beneath Avices pallid complexion, there was genuine curiosity in her eyes. She chose her words carefully. I suppose Ive discovered . . . we all carry something. Some burden of shame.

Frances reached under the girl, pulled out the towel and checked the size of the stain. She hid it discreetly, then handed her another.

Avice shifted on the bed. And yours has been lifted. Because you found someone prepared to take you on. Despite your – your history.

Im not ashamed of who I am, Avice.

Frances picked up the soiled items for the WSO to take to the laundry. Then she sat down on the bed. You might as well know. Ive done one thing in my life that Im ashamed of. And that wasnt it.

The Australian Army Nursing Service had set up a recruiting depot in Wayville, near the camp hospital. She had been a trainee nurse for some time at the Sydney Showground Hospital, had worked for a good family in Brisbane to finance her training, and now, single, medically fit, without dependants and with a glowing reference from her matron, the newly formed Australian General Hospital was keen to take her. She had had to lie about her age, but the knowing look the CO had given her when she calculated her new date of birth told her she wasnt the first. There was a war on, after all.

Joining the AGH, she said, had been like coming home. The sisters were stoic, capable, cheerful, compassionate and, above all, professional. They were the first people she had ever met who accepted her as she was, appreciated her effort and dedication. They came from all over Australia and had no interest in her history. Most had a reason for their lack of a husband, of dependants, and it was rarely one they wanted to dwell on. Besides, the necessities of their job meant they lived from day to day, in the present.

She had never tried to contact her mother. She thought it probably betrayed a rather ruthless streak in her personality, but even that hard knowledge about herself did not tempt her to change her mind.

Over several years they had served together in Northfield, Port Moresby and, lastly, in Morotai, where she had met Chalkie. During that time she had learnt that what had happened to her was not the worst thing that could happen to a person, not when you considered the cruelties inflicted in the name of war. She had held dying men, dressed wounds that had made her want to retch, cleaned out stinking latrines, washed foul sheets, and helped erect tents that were threadbare from overuse and mould. She thought she had never been as happy in her life.

Men had fallen for her. It was almost par for the course in the hospital – many of them had not seen a girl for some time. A few kind words, a smile, and they bestowed on you all sorts of qualities you might or might not have. She had assumed Chalkie was one of those. She thought, in his delirium, that it was possible he could not see past her smile. He asked her to marry him at least once a day and, as with the others, she had paid him little attention. She would never marry.

Until the day the gunner arrived.

Was he the man you fell in love with?

No. The one who recognised me. Here she swallowed. He came from the same unit that had been stationed by the hotel where I had lived all those years ago. And I knew there would be a time when I had to leave Australia, that it would be the only way I could ever get away from . . . She paused. So I decided to say yes.

Did he know? Your husband?

Francess hands had rested quietly in her lap. Now her fingers linked, separated, linked again. The first few weeks when I knew him he was delirious half the time. He knew my face. Some days he thought we were already married. He occasionally called me Violet. Someone told me that was the name of his late sister. Sometimes, late at night, he would ask me to hold his hand and sing to him. When the pain got very bad, I did, even though I have a terrible voice. She allowed herself a small smile. I never knew a man as gentle. The night I told him I would marry him, he cried with happiness.

Avices eyes closed with pain, and Frances waited until the cramp had passed. Then she continued, her voice clear in the darkening room. He had this CO, Captain Baillie, who knew Chalkie had no family. He knew, too, that I had nothing much to gain from the marriage, and that in simple terms it would make him happy. So he said yes where, I suppose, plenty wouldnt. It wasnt very honourable on my part, I suppose, but I did care for him.

And you knew you would get your passage out.

Yes. A half smile played across her lips. Ironic, really, isnt it? A girl with my history marrying the only man who never laid a finger on me.

But at least you kept your reputation intact.

No. That didnt happen. Frances fingered her skirt, the same grubby, salthardened one she had worn on the lifeboat. A few days before Chalkie and I were married I was sitting outside the mess camp, washing bandages, when that gunner came up and – she choked – tried to put his hand up my skirt. I screamed, and hit his face quite hard. It was the only way I could get him off. But the other nurses ran out and he told them it was all I was good for. That he had known me in Aynsville. That was the decider, see? It was such a small town, and I had told them where I came from. They knew it had to be true. She paused. I think it would have been easier for them if he had told them Id killed someone.

Did anyone tell Chalkie?

No. But I think that was out of sympathy for him. Oh, some chose to ignore it. I suppose when youve been so near death peoples reputations cease to matter. But they all knew how he felt about me, and he was fragile. The men are loyal to each other . . . It comes out in strange ways sometimes.

But the nurses did what I did in judging you?

Most of them, yes. I think the matron took a different view. Wed worked together for a long time. She knew me – she knew me as something else. She just told me I should make the most of what he had given me. Not many people get a second chance in life.

Avice lay down and stared at the ceiling. I suppose she was right. No one has to know. No one has to know . . . anything.

Frances raised an eyebrow, unconvinced. Even after all this?

Avice shrugged. Englands a big place. There are a lot of people. And Chalkie will look after you now.

As Frances failed to reply, Avice asked, No one told him in the end, did they? Not after all that?

No, Frances said. No one told him.

On the other side of the door, where he had been listening, still holding two stonecold tin mugs of tea, the marine moved his head gently away from the hard surface, and closed his eyes.